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Written by: Scott Silveri

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: The hallway. Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon.]

Chandler: Wait, before we go in, I just want you to know, I love you. We had a great time on our honeymoon and I can’t wait for us to go in there and spend the rest of our lives together.

Monica: You’re really sticking with the shell necklace, huh?

(Phoebe and Joey come out of #19.)

Joey / Phoebe: Hey, you’re back!! / Hey!!

(They all hug.)

Phoebe: Yay! C’mon in! (Phoebe and Joey take the luggage inside. Chandler and Monica follow) So how was the honeymoon?

Monica: It was so much fun. But the incredible part was, we met this great couple, Greg and Jenny.

Phoebe: That was the best part? Great honeymooning, tiger!

Monica: They were really cool and they were on their honeymoon too!

Phoebe: Uh.

Chandler: They were terrific and they live right here in the city.

Monica: Yeah, and is it too soon to call? I wanna call!!

Chandler: I’m sorry. We’re just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with!

Monica: Oh!

Joey: (mad) A couple? Like two people? Like (points to himself) one (points to Phoebe) two people?

Monica: This is different. I mean, Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.

Phoebe: Uh!! Greg and Jenny!! (weird voice) “Hi Greg, this is Chandler.” “Hi Chandler.” “Hi Greg.” “Hi, Jenny, this is Monica.” “Hi Jenny.” “Hi Monica.” Ugh!!!

Chandler: Listen, they are really great, if you just got the chance to -

Joey: Y’know what, why don’t you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell outta here?

Chandler: We didn’t have a chance to -

Phoebe: You have got to be kidding me!!

Monica: We didn’t get anything for anyone!!

Joey: Yeah, umm-hmm, nice necklace!

Monica: That you can have.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Ross and Rachel enter. Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Monica are already there.]

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: Hi! Welcome home!

(They hug.)

Ross: How was the honeymoon?

Monica: It was great, but you! You’re having a baby!

Rachel: Look! I have a sonogram picture!

(She shows Chandler and Monica.)

Monica: Oh, great!

Chandler: Ross, it’s got your wavy black lines.

Monica: All right, now that Ross knows, can you tell us how it happened? Y’know, how many times did it happen?

Phoebe: Oh, Monica! That’s not right! Start with where.

(Rachel looks at Ross who motions for her to talk.)

Rachel: Well, it happened about six weeks ago. And, uh, I had just gotten home from work and Ross was already there, so I guess he had been hanging out with Joey.

Joey: You’re welcome, buddy.

Ross: Yeah, thanks.

Rachel: And I had a lot of work to do and Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out and we had a little wine, we got to talking and the next thing I know, Ross comes on to me.

Ross: That’s, that’s a little misleading.

Rachel: What is?

Ross: The lie you just told!

Rachel: That-that you came on to me?

Ross: That’s the one!

Rachel: But you did! I was just being honest.

Ross: Yes, let’s!

Rachel: Uh!

Ross: Y’know what, uh, it’s not, it’s not important. What’s important is that, is that we’re having a baby. That doesn’t matter, who came on to who.

Joey: Whom. (Ross stares at him) That’s right!

Rachel: You know you kissed me first.

Ross: What?! What?!! You were begging me to kiss you!! You were sending me signals all over the place!

Rachel: Sending you signals?

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: Oh please! Anyone in this room who thinks I would send Ross begging signals please raise your hands.

(Ross does.)

Ross: Y’know what, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter what people believe! What matters is what happened.

Rachel: But these signals, you ought to explain these signals to me Ross, because I should be more careful. (stands up) I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?!

Ross: Y’know what, y’know what, Rachel, Rachel, just drop it.

Rachel: No! Please show me how I begged you!!

Ross: I CAN!!! Well, I have it on videotape!! (this shocks everyone) It’s an expression...

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Everyone but Ross and Rachel are in the kitchen.]

Phoebe: I can’t believe he taped the two of them having sex.

Joey: Yeah...you gotta tell a girl before her. Such a rookie mistake.

(He laughs.)

Chandler: You know who has a great video camera?

Phoebe: (annoyed) Greg and Jenny?

Monica: Do you think we should call them? I wanna call them!

Chandler: Let’s call them.

Joey: Yeah! See if they got their friends any souvenirs!

(Monica calls them.)

Monica: Hello? (listens) 8th Street Deli?

Joey: Hey, hang up. You get food poisoning just talking to that place.

Monica: Uh, sorry, wrong number.

(She hangs up.)

Chandler: Here you go.

(He holds out the paper and Monica dials.)

Monica: Hello? (listens) It’s the deli again!

Joey: All right, I’ll have a sandwich.

Monica: I don’t think this number’s right!

(Phoebe and Joey start laughing.)

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: You got fake-numbered!

(Joey nods.)

Monica: What?! People don’t do that!

Joey: Oh, I think we do!

(They continue laughing.)

Monica: They gave us a fake number? Wh-why would they do that?

Chandler: I don’t know. You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions.

Monica: I mean, you had never been funnier! Joke, joke, joke, joke! I mean, you were a hoot!

(Chandler laughs.)

Joey: Oh, don’t worry about it. You still got me and Phoebe.

Phoebe: Excuse me! I don’t want Greg and Jenny’s rejects!

(Ross enters.)

Ross: Rachel won’t talk to me. She won’t even open the door.

Phoebe: I wonder why, pervert!

Ross: Ok, listen, I am not a pervert!

Phoebe: That’s like the pervert motto! Yeah. Yeah! They have you put your right hand up and your left hand down your pants and repeat that!

Ross: Filming Rachel wasn’t what I planned! Ok, Joey, look, look, you can back me up on this. All right, about, about a month and a half ago, I came to you with a problem? Uh, a personal thing?

(Joey thinks.)

Joey: Personal, what personal thing?

Ross: About sex?...That I hadn’t had sex in months?

Joey: Yeah, I know what you were talking about.

(The flashback starts. Six weeks earlier )

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Ross enters, wearing the red sweater.]

Ross: Hey.

(Joey is sitting on Francette, reading the back of a cereal (Vaffle Crisps) box.)

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Do you have a minute? I, I want to talk to you about something I, I’m uncomfortable talking about.

Joey: Ok. How about uh, you showering with your mom?

Ross: I actually had a topic in mind!

(Joey sits and motions for Ross to sit also. He does.)

Ross: I’m kinda going through a dry spell...sex wise.

Joey: Ooh, like months?

Ross: Five to be...lying. Six.

Joey: Six months?! Wow, that’s rough.

Ross: Well, I mean, it’s not all bad. I appreciate the, uh, smaller things in life, like, uh, the sound of a bird or the color of the sky.

Joey: It’s blue, Ross and I had sex yesterday.

Ross: Please help me. I have a date tonight. It has to go well, ok? I’m concerned for my health!

Joey: Ok, ok. Oh! I got something! Ok, it’s a story I came up with. Very romantic. That’s why any woman who hears it, they’re like putty.

Ross: Really? Then tell it to me.

Joey: Ok. You’re going to want sex with me after you hear it, but it is just the story.

Ross: I will try to control myself.

Joey: Ok. Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe -

Ross: You were backpacking across Western Europe?

Joey: How about six more months, Ross?

(He gets up but Ross pulls him back.)

Ross: Ok. Ok. All right. I’m sorry. Please. Please. You were in Western Europe...

(He motions for him to continue.)

Joey: I was just outside of Barcelona, hiking along the foothills of Mt. Tippedabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing. There was a lake and it was secluded and there were tall trees all around. It was dead silent and gorgeous. Across the lake, I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself, but she was crying.

(Ross stares at Joey.)

Ross: Why?

(Cut to Ross’s place. He’s having wine with his date, Kristen [yeah, another Kristen!].)

Kristen: Mm. Mm. This is great wine.

Ross: It’s from France.(She nods) In Europe. Western Europe. Y’know, um, a few years ago, actually, I was backpacking across Western Europe.

Kristen: Really?

Ross: Wait, it, it gets better. Um, yeah! I was in Barcelona.

Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona.

(Ross stares at her.)

Ross: Anyway, anyway, so I was hiking.

Kristen: I love hiking!

Ross: Oh!! I was hiking along the foothills of uh, Mt. Tippedaybo -

Kristen: Tippedahbo.

Ross: Ok, do you want to tell the story?!!!

[Scene: Rachel and Joey’s. Ross enters.]

Joey: Whoa, what are you doing here? How’d your date go?

Ross: Great, I’m across the street having sex with her right now! Your story sucks!!

Joey: Hey, look, if it didn’t work, it’s because you didn’t tell it right. Show me how you did it.

(He sits down.)

Ross: No! No. I don’t want to.

Joey: How long since you’ve seen a girl naked?

(Ross quickly sits.)

Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe.

Joey: I’m not feeling it.

Ross: I was just outside Barcelona, hiking -

Joey: No, no! I’m not hot! Ross, are you hot?

Ross: It‘s been six months! I’m always hot!!

Joey: Well, you’re not selling the story! It’s like, it’s like you don’t believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date. But try this. Do what I do when I have an audition. I’ll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and see what you’re doing wrong.

(He gets the camera.)

Ross: What the hell...

Joey: I’ve got you all set up. You’re good to go. Just hit record.

Ross: All right. Thanks. Joey, listen...

Joey: Yeah?

Ross: ...if you ever have a problem with the ladies, you know I’ll help you out.

(Joey stares at him.)

Joey: It means a lot to me, man!

(He leaves. Ross pours himself a glass of wine and turns on the camera.)

Ross: Hello. Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery ok? (Rachel enters with a box) Rachel!

Rachel: Oh my God, Ross. I’m so glad you’re here. You have got to help me... Were you just talking to yourself?

Ross: That’s less embarrassing...yes, yes I was.

Ross: (voice over) But when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. (Cut to Ross, present) It kept rolling and it recorded everything.

Chandler: Uh, yeah, we’re gonna have to see that tape.

(Phoebe and Monica nod.)

Ross: What a great idea! That’ll get Rachel to forgive me!

Joey: Y’know what, this is not fair to her. Let’s just forget the tape.

Ross: Thank you.

(Joey mouths something.)

Ross: No!

Joey: You’re right.

(He does it again.)

Ross: Joey! No!

Joey: Loud and clear!

(And again...Ross leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. They’re in the living.]

Monica: I still don’t get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number!

Joey: Maybe they didn’t give you their real names either.

Monica: Ok, many people give out fake numbers but they don’t give out fake names!

Joey: Oh yeah? Hi! Ken Adams! Nice to meet’cha!

(He offers his hand.)

Phoebe: Regina Philange.

(She shakes it.)

Chandler: I just don’t get it. We didn’t do anything wrong.

Monica: I know! Ok, but you did tell an awful lot of jokes.

Chandler: I thought you said those jokes were funny! “Oh joke, joke, joke!”

Monica: Bleh, bleh, bleh!

Chandler: Well, maybe it was all of your questions!

Monica: What about my questions?

Chandler: The sheer volume - it was like flying with the Riddler!

Monica: Ooh, I’m sorry, was that another joke?

Chandler: Was that another question?

(Monica glares at him. Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hey, is Ross still here?

Joey: Uh, no. Uh, but, listen. He told us what happened and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake.

Rachel: Really? How would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped it? (Joey makes his Joey-face) Forget it!! (Ross enters) Oh, there he is now, the father of my baby, the Porn King of the West Village.

Ross: Look, it was an accident. I didn’t mean for it to happen. And I swear, I didn’t even watch, but anyway - (he pulls out the tape) Here. I thought you might be more comfortable destroying it yourself.

(He throws it at Rachel.)

Rachel: Thank you.

(She puts it on the floor and is about to step on it when everyone jumps up in protest.)

Joey / Phoebe / Chandler / Monica: No!! No!! No!! Don’t!!

Rachel: What?!

Joey / Phoebe / Chandler / Monica: Don’t do it!!!

Rachel: You don’t want to see this, do you?

Monica: Hell yeah!

(Rachel picks it up.)

Rachel: I am not going to show you this.

Phoebe: Oh no, not the sex part. Just the stuff leading up to it.

Ross: Forget it, she’s destroying it.

Phoebe: Ok, fine! Fine! We’ll just think of some other way to put the who-came-on-to-who thing to rest! Now think!!

Ross: Forget it, Phoebe. It’s Rachel’s tape and she can do whatever she wants with it. She wants to destroy it, so end of story.

Rachel: I wanna see it.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Clearly, you don’t want to see this tape. And I don’t want to see this tape. But you so badly don’t want people to see it that I actually want to see it. Do you see?

Joey: Are you watchin’ the tape or not?!!

Ross: I don’t want people to see it for your sake.

Rachel: I don’t believe you. I think you don’t want them to see you begging me.

(She puts it in the VCR.)

Ross: Rachel, please.

Rachel: Ah, a little preview.

Ross: Fine. Fine. But I want the record to show that I took the high road. Because in five minutes, I’m gonna be saying

(He laughs maniacally at Rachel and then they both sit down.)

Rachel: Ok, here we go.

(She pressed PLAY.)

Joey: I’m so happy!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Op, there I am.

Phoebe: (singsong voice) You’re gonna get pregnant...

(Rachel is uncomfortable. Monica holds her hand.)

Monica: Sweetie, sweetie, it’s ok. Everybody made it to the wedding. I’m fine.

Rachel: You kinda hurt my hand there.

Monica: I know.

(Rachel fast-forwards.)

Chandler: Did you do it on our wedding invitations?

Ross: Not on the ones we sent out.

Chandler: Oh, so, just the ones you gave back to us and we had framed?

(He shows him an invitation and cringes.)

Rachel: In about ten seconds, you’re gonna see him kiss me.

Ross: In about five seconds you’re gonna see why.

(Everyone’s shocked.)

Rachel: Ok, get read to see some beggin’!

Phoebe: Aw, you came on to Ross!!

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Now I’m so happy.

Rachel: What are you talking about?

Monica: You used the Europe story!

Chandler: That’s the story you use when you wanna have sex!

Rachel: How do you know about that story?!

Joey: How do you know about that story?!

Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy!

(Joey raises his hand and points to himself.)

Joey: Some guy!!

Rachel: No, no. She told me that his name was Ken Adams.

(Joey raises his hand and points to himself.)

Joey: Ken Adams!!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Rachel’s there and Ross enters.]

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: So, uh, apparently people are familiar with the Europe story?

Ross: Yeah. Listen, about that. The whole, uh, who-came-on-to-who thing really doesn’t matter. I mean, I think it would’ve happened either way. I mean, if you hadn’t initiated it, I know I would have.

Rachel: It was an amazing night.

Ross: It was, it was an amazing night.

Rachel: You think it looked amazing?

Ross: I, uh, I don’t know. I mean, I, I honestly didn’t watch it.

Rachel: Yeah, me either. Yet.

Ross: Oh, uh, uh, that, that will be weird.

Rachel: Yeah, it will be weird.

(Ross quickly puts the tape in the VCR and Rachel goes to lock the door. They sit down on Francette.)

Ross: Good luck.

Rachel: Good luck to you.

Ross: Yeah. (Ross turns it on) Mind if I mute?

Rachel: Oh, please.

(He does so.)

Ross: Ooh, ooh, there, there go the clothes!

Rachel: You’re undressing awfully quickly.

Ross: Six months, Rachel, six months.

Ross / Rachel: Ah...Hey!

Ross: We look, we look pretty good.

Rachel: I know.

Ross: Whew, nice tan!

Rachel: Thank you. I’d just gone to the beach that weekend.

Ross: Ahh.

Rachel: Oh! Have you been working out?

Ross: I had been working out.

Rachel: Wow, this is so much better than I thought.

Ross / Rachel: Oh...Egh.

Ross: Oh, that’s not pretty!

Rachel: Oh, oh, oh...

Ross: No!

Ross / Rachel: Oh no! Oh no! No! / Oh make it stop, make it stop!!

(They both run to turn it off.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. They’re in the living room and Monica’s on the phone.]

Monica: Hello, Greg? Hi! This is Monica from the hotel. Listen, the number that you gave me, 853-5 - (listens) (to Chandler) That is their old number Jenny’s been giving out since they moved!

Chandler: That is so Jenny!

Monica: Hey, listen, how would you like to get together, say, next Saturday? (listens) Ok, how about Sunday? (listens) Ok, um, the week after that? (listens) The week after that? (listens) Y’know what, y’know what, Greg? We are good, interesting, funny people with good questions. If you and your precious Jenny can’t see that then - (listens) January 15th? We’ll see ya then! Ok!

(Chandler and Monica hug.)

NBC announcer: Based on the true story of the young freedom fighters who took after the enemy lived. Uprising, NBC Sunday in two weeks. [With DAVID SCHWIMMER!!!!!!!!]