Written by: Robert Carlock
Transcribed by: Jean Liew
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Chandler and Monica come back from grocery shopping. Phoebe’s there with a giant sometthing wrapped in blue paper.]
Phoebe: Hey, I got you a present!!!!!
Chandler: Oh my goodness, where did you hide it?!
Phoebe: I got it for your wedding and I ordered it weeks ago and it finally got here!
Chandler: Pheebs, you didn’t have to get us anything for our wedding, you already did so -
Monica: I love it!! It’s huge!! Let’s open it!!!! Open it!!!!
(She tears off the paper.)
Phoebe: It’s a Ms. Pacman machine!!
Monica: Oh my God!!
Phoebe: I didn’t know where to put it so I just left it here for now.
Monica: Maybe we can put it in the guest bedroom.
Chandler: Yeah, ok. (He tries to push it but it won’t budge) I kinda like it here.
Phoebe: Do you really like it?
Monica: Are you kidding? I practically spent all my childhood at the arcade. Oh my God, this is my second favorite game.
Phoebe: Oh, what was your first?
Monica: Well, I don’t really remember the name of it.
Chandler: Well, what did it do?
Monica: Well, it was just - you put a quarter in, you pull, pull some handles and you win a candy bar or something.
Chandler: A vending machine?
Monica: Hey, don’t feel bad for me. I won every time!!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Rachel are there. Rachel is reading Fit Pregnancy magazine. Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey. I’m so glad you guys are here. I’ve been dying to tell someone what happened at the Paleontology department today.
Joey: Do you think he saw us or do you still think we can slip out?
Ross: Professor Newman, the head of the department, is retiring, sooo...
Rachel: They made you the head of the department!
Ross: ...I get to teach one of his advanced classes!! Why didn’t I get the head of the department?
Joey: Oh, hey, Rach, listen, I got a big date coming up. Do you know a good restaurant?
Rachel: Uh, Paul’s Cafe. It’s got great food and it’s really romantic.
Joey: Ooh, great, thanks.
Rachel: Yeah. Ooh, uh, and then afterwards, you would take her to the Four Seasons for drinks. Or downtown and listen to some jazz...Or dancing. Ooh, take her dancing!
Joey: You sure are naming a lotta ways to postpone sex, I tell ya.
Rachel: Oh, I miss dating. Getting all dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant. I’m not going to be able to do that for so long! It’s so much fun! I mean, not that sitting at home and worrying about giving birth to a 16 pound baby is not fun.
Joey: Hey, y’know what?
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: Why don’t I take you out?
Rachel: What? Joey, you don’t want to go on a date with a pregnant lady.
Joey: I do. And we’re gonna go out and have a good time. We’re gonna take your mind off childbirth and C-sections and, and giant baby heads stretching out -
Rachel: Ok, ok! I’ll go with you!!
Joey: That, that’d be fun.
Rachel: All right? Ok.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Phoebe’s sitting on a stool and playing the game. It’s still located between the kitchen and the living room.]
Phoebe: Yes! Yes! No! Aahh... Look at that, Monica. I just knocked off all your top scores. How sad.
Monica: Ok, I’m next. No! Don’t start another game! I said I’m next. Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear over all the winning.
Monica: Chandler, Phoebe’s hogging the game!
Chandler: Who cares. It’s a stupid game.
Monica: You only don’t care cause you suck at it.
Chandler: I don’t suck. It sucks... You suck.
Phoebe: Wait, ok, if this game is going to cause problems between the two of you, then maybe I should just keep it.
Monica: No, no, no. I love it. It’s a great present, but, y’know - in fact, why don’t you go home and wait for the thank you card?
Chandler: Why do you want to play this game so badly?
Phoebe: Yeah, it’s not like it spits out a Clark (?) bar after every game.
Monica: Ok, that’s it. Get out of the chair. Come on. Come on. (she tries to pull her off, but Phoebe goes all limp) Oh come on! Phoebe!!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Rachel is in the bathroom putting on her earrings. Someone knocks at the door.]
Rachel: Joey, could you get that? (more knocking) Joey...uh... (she goes to open it. It’s Joey. She looks at him and at his room) What are you doing here? I thought you were in your room.
Joey: No. I’m picking you up for our date. These are for you.
(He gives her lilies.)
Rachel: Ohhh... Lilies. Joey, they’re my favorite. Thank you.
(She smells them.)
Joey: And a brownie. (He hands her a paper bag) Well, half a brownie. Actually, it’s just a bag. (grabs it) It was a long walk from the flower shop and I was starting to feel faint, so -
Rachel: Yeah. This is so great. (puts lilies in water) I actually feel like I’m going on a real date. Except there was a hint of morning sickness and I’m wearing underwear that goes up to about (snaps it) there.
Joey: Oh come on now, this is a real date: Oh nice place you got there. Foosball, huh? Pizza box. Ah, subscription to Playboy. My kinda woman.
Rachel: Well, actually, that’s my roommate’s.
Joey: I would like to meet him. He seems like such a stand up guy.
Rachel: Ah yes. But he’s very protective of me so you better watch yourself.
Joey: Ah. Hey, so, uh, this roommate of yours, is he good looking?
Rachel: Umm hmm.
Joey: So, it must be hard to keep your hands off him.
Rachel: Yeah, but I’m pretty sure he’s gay.
Joey: No, no, no, no. He’s not. No! Why are you trying to ruin the game? Come on!
[Scene: Ross’s class at NYU.]
Ross: ...which brings us back of course, to Gullimimus Theodophysis. [I dunno. That’s what’s written on the board!] (the bell rings) Oh, that’s it for today. Oh, uh, does anyone know where the Freeman Building is?
Student: Yeah. It’s the new building on Avenue A.
Ross: What?! That’s all the way across town. I need to teach a graduate seminar there in ten minutes.
Student: Ooh, dude, that’s not gonna happen.
(Ross rushes out into the crowd of students.)
Ross: Ok, move it. Move it! Hey! I’m the teacher!!!
[Scene: The class at the Newman Building. Ross enters exhausted.]
Ross: Hello. (He throws his jacket at the coat sack and it lands on the floor) Sorry, I’m a little late. (checks his watch) Whoa, a lot late. Uh, well, let me start by, by, uh, introducing myself. I’m, uh, Professor Geller. (the bell rings) So, to sum up, I’m Professor Geller. Good job today.
[Scene: The restaurant. Joey and Rachel are looking at their menus.]
Rachel: Now, the filet mignon, what comes with that?
Waitress: There’s a side of steamed vegetables.
Rachel: Now, instead of the vegetables, is there any way that I can substitute the three pound lobster?
Joey: Y’know what, bring her both. And I’ll have the same.
(The waitress takes their menus and leaves.)
Rachel: Oh, wow, this is shaping up to be a pretty good date. Oh, I almost forgot. I haven’t paid the rent yet.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. No roommate stuff, this is a real date.
Rachel: Ok. Wow, so I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So you have any moves?
Joey: No. No. I’m just myself. I, I spend all night being - (starts laughing) Oh, I can’t take it!! I’m sorry. I couldn’t get through that.
Rachel: I knew it. I knew it. Come on, tell me your moves.
Joey: Uh, all right. Um, ok. I usually start by having a bottle of wine sent to my table by a fan.
Rachel: Oh my God. And that works?!
Joey: Yeah, it does if you combine it with “Oh my God, this is so embarrassing. I just want to have a normal life.”
Rachel: Oh, you poor little famous man.
Joey: Umm hmm. Oh ok, how about this one? I was waiting until the end of the night to kiss you, but you’re just so beautiful and I don’t think I can.
Rachel: ...oh my God! Wh - that was fantastic. I almost leaned in, I really almost did!
Joey: All right. So, so tell me some of your moves.
Rachel: All right. Uh...so where’d you grow up?
Joey: That’s your move? Boy, Rach, you’re lucky you’re hot, you know that?
Rachel: Just answer the question!
Joey: Uh, Queens.
Rachel: And so were you, were you close to your parents?
Joey: Yeah, with my mom, yeah. Not so much with my dad.
Rachel: Why?
Joey: I don’t know. I guess it’s always been this distance between us, y’know? I mean, we both try to pretend it’s not there but it is.
Rachel: Ohh. It’s gotta be rough.
Joey: It is. It’s very rough. Y’know, I think - wow!! Nice move!
Rachel: Uh huh.
Joey: “Where’d you grow up” - so simple!
Rachel: Thank you. Now if you’ll excuse me. I’ll go to the bathroom.
Joey: Oh yeah.
(He watches her walk away.)
Rachel: And now you’re watching me walk away.
Joey: Yes I am. And again, so simple!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey.
(Chandler’s sitting at the machine.)
Chandler: You are not going to believe what I did today.
Monica: It clearly wasn’t showering or shaving.
Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule at it. They should rename it to Ms. Chandler. Although I really hope they don’t.
Monica: Wait a minute. You stayed home and played Ms. Pacman all day while I went to work like a chump?!
Chandler: Uh huh. And I got all the top ten scores. I erased Phoebe off the board. Ha!!
(He holds up his hand but his fingers are stiff, like they’re curved over a joystick.)
Monica: What’s wrong wit your hand?!
Chandler: Well, I’ve been playing it for eight hours. It’ll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Uh, and also, look at the initials. They’re dirty words.
Monica: Uh, why would you do that?
Chandler: Because it’s awesome.
Monica: You think this is clever?
Chandler: Well, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S, it is kind of a challenge.
Monica: Well, wait a minute. (points) This ones’ not dirty.
Chandler: Well, it is if you put it together with that one.
(He point at the screen)
Monica: Oh. Well, if you don’t clear this off, you won’t be getting one of those from me. But Ben’s coming over tomorrow to play this game. This can’t be there.
Chandler: He won’t even know what they mean.
Monica: Chandler, he’s seven, he’s not stupid.
Chandler: Have you talked to him lately?
Monica: Ok, I’m just going to unplug it.
Chandler: No, no, if you unplug it, there’ll be nothing to show for my day. It’ll be like I was at work. No - (Monica unplugs and replugs it) Hey, look at that! Look at that! It’s still there! This program must have some kind of primitive wrongship (?) in it or something!
Monica: Hey, you, you gotta beat your scores!
Chandler: With the claw?!
(He holds up his messed up hand.)
Monica: Fine, fine. I’ll do it. I just need to get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him “pull my finger.”
Chandler: Pull my finger. (holds up his hand) My hand is messed up!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. They enter after their date.]
Rachel: ...oh Joey I am not going to answer that!
Joey: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Ross, if you had to, who would you punch?
Rachel: No one. They are my friends. I wouldn’t punch any of them.
Joey: Chandler?
Rachel: Yeah, but I dunno why. Looks like we’re having such a wonderful time!
Joey: Me too! Hey, Rach, can I just say I think this is the best date I have ever had.
Rachel: I know!
Joey: I’ve never laughed so hard. Did you see the wine come out of my nose?
Rachel: Yeah, Joey, I think everybody saw the wine coming out of your nose.
Joey: I gotta say, I never knew I could enjoy the non-sex part of a date so much.
Rachel: Well, that is because you’ve never been on a date with me before.
Joey: Huh.
Rachel: All right, now don’t judge me. I normally wait until my date leaves, but you live here. (points to an aluminum foil swan) I’m ripping into this one.
Joey: Ok, well then, you don’t judge me. I’m going to suck on the cellophane from the brownie I had before.
(He gets it and sits on Francette.)
Rachel: Mmm. Mmm. So, tell me what are Joey Tribbiani’s end of the night moves?
Joey: Uh, well, if I want the girl to kiss me, the first thing I do is make my lips irresistible.
Rachel: How do you do that?
Joey: Well, you can’t tell anyone, but I put on a shiny lip balm.
Rachel: Oh my God.
Joey: Yeah. Like a moth to the flame. Ok, all right, so now you go.
Rachel: I’m not going to tell ya.
Joey: Why not?
Rachel: Cause it’s embarrassing.
Joey: More embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm? (she looks at him) I didn’t say raspberry before, did I? Just tell me, Rach, just tell me!!
Rachel: Ok. All right. Stand up. (he does) Well, when we’re at the door, I lightly press my lips against his and then move into his body for just a second. And then I make this sound. Mmm... Ok, I know it didn’t sound like anything, but I swear it works!
Joey: Yeah - I - that’ll work for you...
Rachel: All right. I gotta go to bed. Honey, I had such a wonderful time...
(She kisses him on the cheek.)
Joey: Oh, yeah. (She goes to her room) Me too.
(He shakes it off and goes to his room.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Rachel are there.]
Rachel: You were fifty minutes late to the class?! Did you crawl there?
Ross: No, I ran. Ok? It’s really far. And when did people stop understanding the phrase “get the hell out of my way”?!
Rachel: Why didn’t you take a cab?
Ross: Uh, between all the cars and the traffic at that time of day and all the one way streets, it’d take me twice as long. Besides, I teach the class three times a week. Who am I, Rockefeller?!
Rachel: Well, you’re not going to be able to keep doing this.
Ross: Well, I have to. If I don’t, they’ll take the class away from me. And I’ve already put it in the family newsletter.
Rachel: The what?
Ross: You’ve seen it. The Geller Yeller.
Rachel: Right. Wow.
Ross: Besides, I think I figured out a much faster route. I, I’m sure I’ll make it this time. I just can’t be afraid to get, uh, a little bit...hit by cars.
(He leaves and Joey enters.)
Joey: Hey.
Rachel: Hi! Remember, um, last night, how we were talking about that movie Cujo?
Joey: Uh, yeah. I still can’t believe you’ve never seen Cujo. What is wrong with you?
Rachel: Relax! It’s not like it’s Citizen Kane!
Joey: Have you ever tried to sit through Citizen Kane?
Rachel: Yeah, I know, it’s really boring, but it’s like a big deal. Anyway, I was thinking about renting Cujo some time.
Joey: Oh, all right. How about tonight?
Rachel: Well, don’t you have that big date tonight?
Joey: Oh right!
Rachel: Hey, Joey, can I ask you something?
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: After our date last night, did you feel a little weird?
Joey: Oh my God, you did too? It totally freaked me out. What was that?!
Rachel: I, I, I don’t know. I, I’m kinda thinking it, it was the lobster?
Joey: Ahh, yeah, yeah! The lobster.
Rachel: Cause I was up sick all night.
Joey: Yeah, me too, all night.
Rachel: Really? How come we didn’t cross paths?
Joey: Yeah, well, that’s because I stayed in my room. Yeah, you don’t want to look in my hamper.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica’s playing the game. There’s now a little table with Chinese takeout and a drink on top of it beside the machine.]
Monica: Ok, I got that. I’ll escape over there, come back over here. All right, come on, Ms. Pacman. I’ll just - (game over) Well! You’re just a little bitch, aren’t you?
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Hey, you guys. Listen, I’m sorry that I was hogging the game before. (sees the screen) Oh my God! Your friends have some unfortunate initials!
Monica: They’re all Chandler.
Phoebe: Chandler sucks. He couldn’t have gotten this good.
Chandler: Yeah. (holds up his hand) But it came at a price.
Phoebe: Oh!
Monica: Well, Ben’s coming over tonight and he can’t see this.
Chandler: Come on. By age seven, kids have already seen orgies. (he gets two weird looks) Was it just me?
[Scene: Ross’s class at the Freeman Building. He enters.]
Ross: Yeah!! Ah, yes, I made it! I’m on time!! (He takes a student’s water bottle and drinks. Then he squirts some water in his face and hands it back.) Ohhh... Ok, why don’t we all, uh (breathes hard) open our books to page twenty-three, where, where you will see, uh, a bunch of, uh, red spots. (closes the book) Why don’t you, why don’t you all start to read while I -
(He collapses in the aisle.)
[Scene: The restaurant. Joey’s on his date with Mabel.]
Mabel: Hey. Are you all right. You seem a little distracted.
Joey: No. I’m fine. It’s just that - hey, can I, can I ask you something? Have you ever looked at someone that you’ve known for awhile and suddenly, suddenly seen them in a different way?
Mabel: You mean from behind?
Joey: ...yeah. Yeah. That’s exactly it. Yeah.
Mabel: You know what? Once I saw this guy from behind and he seemed like a totally normal guy. And then he turned around and it was Stephen Baldwin!
(She laughs.)
Joey: Ooh! Yeah. So, yeah. So you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Mabel: Totally. Wow. Would you excuse me for a sec?
Joey: Yeah. Sure.
(He watches her walk away.)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Phoebe’s playing with Chandler and Monica cheering her on.]
Monica: Oh my God, Phoebe, you’re on fire!!
Chandler: One more score to go. You can do it!!
Phoebe: Don’t touch me!
Monica: Don’t touch her!!
Chandler: Ok, go left, go left, go right!!!
Phoebe: I can’t!!!!! (game over) NOOOO!!!! You son of a -
(Everything starts to go in slow motion. Ross enters with Ben just as Phoebe starts to cuss out the machine hysterically. Opera music comes out of her mouth. Ross covers Ben’s ears. Monica puts her hand to her forehead and Chandler covers his ears.)
Ross: Phoebe!!
Phoebe: Oh hi Ben. No, don’t look at the machine.
(She covers the screen.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Rachel is sitting on Francette with a blanket partially covering her face. She’s watching Cujo. Joey enters and she screams.]
Rachel: God!! Thank God you’re home. I’m watching Cujo.
Joey: Alone?
Rachel: Yes! What is wrong with this dog?! [He’s got rabies!]
Joey: Hey, did you get to the part where they’re all trapped in this car and Cujo’s throwing himself at the windshield?
Rachel: No, seriously, what’s wrong with the dog?! Wait, why are you home so early? What happened to your date?
Joey: Oh, it didn’t work out.
Rachel: Wanna watch the rest of the movie with me?
Joey: Uh, ok. Yeah.
Rachel: Y’know, I never thought I’d say this about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies. (Joey sits on a stool next to her) What are you doing over there? Come sit here. You protect me.
Joey: Oh, sure. Yeah. Why not?
(He sits with Rachel.)
Rachel: Ok. (presses play) Ok, ok, that’s, that’s him! That’s Cujo!!
Joey: All right, I know. I know. It’s, uh, it’s going to be ok.
Rachel: Oh my God, what’s he going to do now? I can’t watch!! (She pulls Joey down and covers her eyes) Oh, seriously, how can you watch this? Aren’t you scared?
Joey: T-t-terrified.
(Rachel starts to cry so he hugs her.)
{Promo for 8-13}
(“All New Friends. Thursday. NBC” Enya’s Only Time plays.)
Announcer: Next Thursday, the Friends story continues.
(Joey and Rachel at Central Perk; Chandler and Monica’s bathroom, Chandler’s in a bubble bath.)
Announcer: The friends discover Joey’s feelings for Rachel.
(Phoebe at Joey and Rachel’s, talking to Joey.)
Phoebe: I know.
(Chandler in the tub.)
Chandler: You like Rachel?!
(Joey at his place.)
Joey: What am I going to do?!
Announcer: Rachel and Ross learn the sex of their baby.
(Everyone but Chandler are in this scene.)
Phoebe: Oh wow!!
(They hug.)
Announcer: Find out if it’s a boy
(“Boy” appears on the screen in purple.)
Announcer: ...or a girl.
(“Girl” replaces it.)
(Ross and Rachel laughing at Central Perk.)
Announcer: All new Friends. Must See TV Thursday.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Ross’s class at the Freeman Building.]
Ross: So is everybody here? I got here a little early myself. Let us begin. Now the hydrasaurus has been unearthed in two main locations. (He comes out from behind his desk - he’s wearing roller skates. He skates over to the map and points to the Middle East) Here and (he turns around and points to China) here! Well, as for the hydrasaurs -
(He skates the other way and uses his pointer stick to keep from going out the door. He comes back in but breaks the pointer in half.)
End.