Originally written by Andrew Reich and Ted Cohen
Lisa Kudrow: Previously, on Friends...
Joey: There’s this woman that I like. A lot. but, uh, it can’t happen.
Ross: So, uh, uh, is she someone from work? (Joey nods) Well, uh, does she like you?
Joey: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn’t matter because I can’t do anything about it.
Ross: Why not?
Joey: It’s complicated. Uh, she was with this other guy fro a long time. Someone from work too. And, uh, I could never do that to the guy. We’re really good friends.
Ross: So, uh, this, this guy that she used to go out with. Is she still in love with her?
Joey: I don’t think so.
Ross: Ok, um, is he a good guy?
Joey: Yeah, he’s the best.
Ross: Then talk to him. He might be fine with it.
Joey: Oh, uh, I dunno...
Ross: But Joey come on. It’s worth finding out. I mean, if you like her.
Joey: So much. I can’t stop thinking about her.
Ross: Y’know what, Joey, you have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? I mean, you owe it to yourself. Ok? And let me know how it goes.
(He’s about to leave.)
Joey: It’s Rachel.
(Ross stops in the doorway.)
Ross: I’m sorry. Did, did you just say it was Rachel?
Joey: Yes.
Ross: Um, you, you like Rachel?
Joey: Yes, I like Rachel.
Ross: RACHEL?!!! Rachel?
Joey: Yeah, ok, but, uh, y’know, y’know who else I like? You! and, and it doesn’t get said enough. I like you, Ross.
Ross: R-r-rachel?! Rachel?!
Joey: It’s not a big deal.
Ross: It’s not a big deal? Oh, I, I’m sorry. Um, I, what about all the stuff you just said/ Uh, like, you can’t stop thinking about her. Like, you can’t sleep?
Joey: All right, I’m an actor, y’know? As, as a group, we tend to be overdramatic.
Ross: Rachel, who’s carrying my baby, Rachel?
Joey: Yeah. I know it’s bad and I know it’s wrong, ok? But, but it’s not like anything’s even going to happen. These, these, these are just feelings. They’re just gonna go away.
Ross: Y’know, I, I gotta go.
Joey: Oh, come on Ross! Ross, don’t -
Ross: Y’know, I, I just want to - RACHEL?!!!!!!
(Ross leaves, and says through the window, “RACHEL?!!!!” Joey turns around...)
Gunther: RACHEL?!!!!!!!!!!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel and Chandler are there.]
Rachel: Ooh, oh!! Ok, she’s kicking.
Chandler: Oh. (he puts her hand on her belly) She’s growing inside you!
Rachel: Whoa!! Wow, that was a big one.
Chandler: I think that’s the youngest girl ever to reject me!
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Oh, hey you guys!
Chandler: Oh, hey.
Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: Listen. Let me ask you: Do you believe in soulmates?
Rachel: Oh, yes I do. I think that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. When you find him, you stop looking for him. That’s why I’ve stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He’ll find me.
Phoebe: Uh huh. And you?
Chandler: No. I mean, I believe that some people are more suited for each other, and I believe in falling in love. But soulmates, I don’t think they exist.
Phoebe: Ok, good.
Chandler: Why?
Phoebe: Well, last night I met Monica’s.
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a date with this guy and I swear to God that he is her other half.
Chandler: Oh, come on, don’t be crazy. You don’t think there’s someone better suited for Monica than me, do you?
(Rachel can’t answer.)
Rachel: ...But what’s he like?!
Phoebe: Well, he’s tall.
Rachel: Uh huh.
Phoebe: He has brown hair.
Rachel: Of course, of course.
Chandler: Tall guy with hair similar to mine. Oh, small universe!
Phoebe: Oh, works with food.
Rachel: Oh sure! Older?
Phoebe: Obviously. British.
Rachel: Oh, I was just going to ask!!
Phoebe: Yeah... And he, he’s so centered and mature and confident...
Rachel: Oh... It’s too bad they never had a chance to meet!
Chandler: And the guy she settled for can’t hear what you’re talking about.
Phoebe: Oh, I’m so sorry. And maybe I’m wrong. I’ll find out more when I go out with him again.
Chandler: You believe that this guy is destined for somebody else and you’re still going to date him?
Phoebe: Hey may not be my soulmate, but a girl’s got to eat!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s. He opens the door; it’s Monica.]
Monica: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Monica: I just talked to Joey. I just, I wanted to see how you were.
Ross: I can’t believe it. Joey and Rachel?! I mean, it, it’s like you and me going out, only weirder!
Monica: All right. I know you’re hurting and I want to be supportive, but don’t say that again!
Ross: Oh my God. What if, what if they get married? He’s going to father my child.
Monica: Honey, I don’t think that’s something you need to worry about... First of all, he, he’s going to tell her how he feels about her. And even if he did, you have no idea how she would react.
Ross: Sure, cause women never like Joey. Y’know, I think he’s a virgin?
Monica: Joey is not even thinking about going after Rachel!
Ross: He’s not?
Monica: No! That is how you’re taking this. Listen, it’s completely freaking him out. He’s talking about moving to Vermont.
Ross: Why?
Monica: He wants to move out of the country. He thinks you hate him.
Ross: Hate him? I...I don’t hate him. It’s just that it’s Rachel, y’know?
Monica: Honey, I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you... But I don’t want you to lose Joey over it. And right now, he just needs to know that you’re still his friend.
Ross: Ok. Ok. I’ll talk to him.
Monica: And do it soon. He just asked me how he could convert his dollars to Vermont money.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. Phoebe enters with Monica’s soulmate, aka her boyfriend.]
Phoebe: Oh, hi.
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Chandler, Monica, this is Don.
Don: Hello.Hello. Nice to meet you.
Monica: Nice to meet you too.
Phoebe: *cough* Soulmate! *cough*
Monica: So, what have you guys been doing?
Don: Well, we’ve just had a terrible lunch today at the ???. What is with all the sun-dried tomatoes at that place?
Monica: I know! What is this, 1985?
Don: That is exactly what I thought. Phoebe, isn’t that strange?
Phoebe: Not really.
Chandler: What’s wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? On a barbequed chicken pizza? ...no?
Monica: So, Don, what, what other restaurants do you like?
Don: Well, I love 27&7. And there’s this great new place. Alessandro’s.
Monica: Oh my God! That’s my restaurant!
Don: You’re kidding me!
Monica: No!
Don: Your food is fantastic!! Well, I really ought to talk to you about your menu. But I thought I’ll get some coffees first. Do you want any?
Monica: Oh, I’d like a latte. If you’re going to talk about me, I’m going to go with you.
(They go to the counter.)
Chandler: What are you doing?!
Phoebe: Nothing! I swear to God, I didn’t know you guys would be here!! The good is you don’t even believe in soulmates, so -
Chandler: I believe in tall, handsome strangers, who hit on my wife!!
Phoebe: They’re just talking. And just because I think they’re soulmates doesn’t mean anything’s going to happen.
Monica: Phoebe? Good work!
Phoebe: Yeah...
Monica: I mean, he’s great. I love him.
Phoebe: (to Chandler) Don’t worry. We’ll find you someone else.
[Scene: Joey’s place. Knock, knock. It’s Ross.]
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: Look, i understand if you came by to hit me. I deserve it.
Ross: I don’t want to hit you.
Joey: Uh, what? Kick me?
Ross: No.
Joey: (scared) Bite me?!
Ross: No, I don’t, I don’t want to do anything to you. I came to tell you that I’m not mad at you. And, and that I certainly do not hate you. I guess I just came here to say that.
(He turns to leave.)
Joey: Hey, hey, Ross, Ross! Wanna, wanna come in for a beer or something?
Ross: Uh...yeah, sure.
(He comes in.)
Joey: Do, uh, you got any beer? Uh, all I got is this melon stuff that Rachel left.
(He gets out a bottle of something green.)
Ross: Ok.
(He pours some.)
Joey: Hey, look, Ross, you need to understand something, ok? I, uh, I am never going to act on this Rachel thing, ok? Uh, I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize my friendship with you.
(He hands him a glass.)
Ross: Thank you.
(They drink. Joey hates it, but Ross likes it. He sees the look on Joey’s face and pretends to hate it too.)
Joey: Anyway, it, uh, it’ll just take a little while to get over her. I’m not even sure how to do that. I mean, I’ve never been in love before.
Ross: What? You’re in love with her?
Joey: Yeah. I thought you knew that.
Ross: Um...no.
Joey: Oh. Hey, look, if it helps, I don’t wanna feel this way. I just, I just keep thinking, ah, I’ll get over this. Y’know? It just, it just keeps getting hard. I don’t, I don’t know what to do. Y’know? What do, what do I do?
Ross: I think you need to tell her how you feel.
Joey: Ok, that’s the green stuff talkin’!
Ross: No, I’m serious. You need to find out where she is. If she’s not where you are, then you need to find a way to get past this.
Joey: But what if, and I’m not saying she will be -
Ross: If, if she is where you are, then, uh....then my feelings for her about it shouldn’t stand in the way.
Joey: Are you sure?
Ross: Yeah. Look, if she’s going to end up with anyone else, the truth is, she couldn’t find a better guy. So -
Joey: Ok. Thanks.
Ross: So when do you think you’re going to talk to her?
Joey: Oh my God. I have to tell her. I haven’t thought about what I was going to say. What am I going to say?!
Ross: I’m understanding, but let’s not get carried away.
Joey: Right. Sorry. Sorry... What am I going to say?
(He takes another sip and makes a face.)
Ross: Yeah, tell me about it.
(He turns around and enjoys the melon stuff.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Phoebe and Don are there.]
Don: So, I’ve been slowly phasing out the wine importing and I’ve been focusing on the, um, cheese. So -
Chandler: Cheese, you say? That’s some pretty smelly work, huh, Don?
Don: Excuse me?
Chandler: Cheese. Smelly. You smell a lot of the time too.
Don: Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I’m one of the people who thinks the smellier the better.
Monica: Yeah. Chandler can’t stand it. Yeah. He won’t even allow me to have bleu cheese in the house!
Don: You’re still married to him?
(They laugh.)
Monica: You know what I would like to do? I would like to go to France and eat nothing but bread and cheese. No, not even bread. Just cheese. No, I want the bread. Yeah. And pastries. And pate. Oh, I’m really not high. It’s just that I used to be fat.
Don: Well, if you really want to go, let me know. I’ve got a little villa where you could stay.
Chandler: Is it made of cheese?
Don: No. But, God, a house made of cheese! Wouldn’t that be incredible?
Monica: I’d move in tomorrow!
Chandler: Oh come on!! (to Phoebe) Are you listening to this/
Phoebe: I’m so sorry.
Chandler: What are we going to do?
Phoebe: I dunno. They both want to live in a house of cheese. I don’t know how you fight that.
[Scene: The hallway outside of Ross and Rachel’s. Joey walks up to the door, but can’t knock.]
Joey: Ok. Ok. I can do this. I can tell her how I feel. Just, uh, ok, stand up straight. (stands up straight) Now take a deep breath. (takes two) Be confident. (He takes another deep breath, when Rachel opens the door and comes out) Oh!! Geez.
Rachel: Oh, Joey, what’s up?!
Joey: I just came by because I, uh, I, I just wanted to talk to you about something.
Rachel: What’s up?
Joey: Here, in the hall? What are we, animals?
Rachel: Honey. I’m about to be late for a meeting. So, can you make it quick?
Joey: Um, yeah. I just came by to tell you that I...want to have dinner with you tonight.
Rachel: Sure! Sounds great. Just leave me a message to tell me where to meet you. Ok?
(She leaves.)
Joey: Ok. Ok! Ok. That’s good. Ok. That gives you a couple of hours to prepare what you’re going to say. (A guy comes out of his apartment behind Joey.) Oh!! Don’t you people ever knock?!!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. They enter.]
Monica: I’d like to have Don and Phoebe over. Would that be nice?
Chandler: Let’s set it up. I’ll just be over here, browsing through the personals.
Monica: Are you ok? You’ve been acting weird all afternoon.
Chandler: Yeah. Fine. Fine. Not perfect! But good enough.
Monica: Geez, what is with you?
Chandler: I’m sorry. Did you say “cheese”?
Monica: Ok, what’s going on?
Chandler: Phoebe said you and Don are soulmates. And I don’t believe in that kind of stuff, but you two totally got along. So I’m not going to stand in your way if you’re gonna go run off with Don and live in a house of cheese.
Monica: Chandler, you don’t believe in soulmates?
Chandler: Well, I’m sure “ to-mah-toes” does!
Monica: I don’t believe in soulmates either.
Chandler: You don’t?
Monica: No. I think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and we work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.
Chandler: So, you don’t want to live with Don in a cheese house?
Monica: No, I, I, I’ve had second thoughts about that. Do you realize how hard that would be to clean?
Chandler: I love you.
Monica: I know.
Chandler: Y’know what, I’m going to take you out to dinner tonight. I’ve found this place that makes the best mozzarella sticks and jalapeno poppers. No? Really? They taste so good!
[Scene: The restaurant.]
Rachel: I mean, I know Chandler’s kidding, but it happens every time he touches my stomach. Y’know, I’m really worried that the baby’s not going to like him. Are you ok?
Joey: What? Yeah, sure. Uh, look, the, uh, the reason...is it hot in here?
Rachel: No, no, not for me. Why don’t you take off your sweater?
Joey: I would, but this is a nice place and my t shirt has a picture of Calvin doin’ Hobbes.
Rachel: Oh my God! Really? Can I see it? (Joey stands up and pulls out his sweater so she can see it) Huh. Wow. I wouldn’t think Hobbes would like that so much.
Joey: Uh... How long have we known each other?
Rachel: Um, seven...eight....eight years.
Joey: Uh huh. Long time.
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: But over the past few weeks. I -
(A waiter comes up.)
Waiter: Ok! Sorry about the wait, but it is mega-jammed in here! We have a couple specials tonight.
Joey: Uh, actually, could you give us a second?
Waiter: Sure! (looks around) Second’s up! (Joey glares at him) Not...that kind of table.
(He leaves.)
Rachel: So you were saying...
Joey: I’m not quite sure.
Rachel: Well, you had asked me how long we knew each other. And I said eight years. And the, um, waiter came over and cut his tip in half. And, umm, now here we are.
Joey: Yeah. Here we are. Uh...I...I think I’m falling in love with you.
Rachel: What?!
Joey: I’m falling in love with you.
(Rachel looks around uncomfortably.)
Rachel: Who’re you talking to? Oh, you’re kidding. Oh, it’s a joke. (tries to laugh) Oh, I see. It’s funny. ...I don’t get it. (sees Joey’s serious) Oh. Ok. Umm... I, I, I, how? How? Are you, um... How did, um... When?
Joey: Does it really matter?
Rachel: Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. It is hot in here.
Joey: Rach. Rach. I know this is a lot, and you don’t have to say anything. You, you, uh, take as much time as you need. (silence) Ok, you gotta say something!!
Rachel: I... Joey, Joey, I love you so much. But I -
Joey: But...
Rachel: Joey...
Joey: Yeah. Right. Ok. That, uh, that, that’s ok. That’s fine. That’s, uh, pretty much what I was expecting, you know? So, uh, it’s no big deal. All right? I think I’m going to go.
(He gets up.)
Rachel: Joey, Joey, please don’t go! (starts to cry) Please don’t leave me like this! Number one, you can’t do this to a pregnant woman!
Joey: I thought this would make me happy (?). you can’t do that, Rach, cause you’re gonna make me do that! (starts to cry too) Oh, there I go!
Rachel: Can I -
Joey: Yeah...
(They hug.)
Rachel: Oh, Joey, I don’t wanna, I don’t want to ???.
Joey: Hey, hey, you can’t. Ok? Ever.
Rachel: I’m so sorry.
Joey: Rach, please don’t be sorry. Ok? Don’t be sorry. (they hug again) Y’know, I was only kidding.
Rachel: Yeah, it was a real good one.
Closing Credits
[Scene: The restaurant. Everyone’s left but Rachel and Joey. They’re still crying and hugging. The waiter from before is watching them. Another waiter comes up.]
Waiter 2: Is this your table?
Waiter: Yeah.
Waiter 2: God, you’re going to be here all night.
Waiter: I know. I haven’t even read them the specials yet.
Waiter 2: What’s the matter with them?
Waiter: I don’t know. I think maybe one of them is dying. I kinda hope it’s the girl. The guy is really cute!
End