Angel Group Quotes
Good Guys Bad Guys
Angel: Who are you?
Doyle: Doyle.
Angel: You don't smell human.
Doyle: Now that's a bit rude. So happens that I am very much human. (he sneezes and blue spikes pop out all over his face) On my mother's side.
Doyle: Say you wouldn't have a beer of any kind in here, would you?
Angel: No.
Doyle: Come on, you must have something besides pig's blood!
Angel: Why would a woman I've never met even talk to me?
Doyle: Have you looked into a mirror lately? (hesitates) No, I guess you really haven't, no.
Oliver: I'm Oliver. Ask anyone about Oliver. I'm a fierce animal. I'm your agent as soon as you call me.
Angel: I'm not an actor.
Oliver: Funny. I like that. I like the whole thing. Call me. This isn't a come-on. I'm in a very serious relationship with a landscape architect.
Cordelia: So are you still (holds up her hands like claws and makes a face) - grrr?
Angel: Yeah, there's not actually a cure for that.
Cordelia: Right. But you're not evil, I mean your not here to bite people?
Angel: No, I'm here with a friend.
Cordelia: Oh, good. Well, it was nice seeing you, but I've got to get mingly. I really should be talking to people that are somebody. (walks away)
Angel: (to himself) It's nice that she's grown as a person.
Angel: Doyle, I don't want to share my feelings, I don't want to open up. I want to find Russell and I want to look him in the eye.
Doyle: Then what?
Angel: Then I'm going to share my feelings.
Doyle: Wow, you're really going to war here. I guess you, ah…you've seen a few in your time, yeah?
Angel: 14, not including Vietnam. They never declared it.
Cordelia: Oh, god. I'm sorry! I'm getting all weepy in front of you. I probably look really scary. (gets up and looks around the room) I finally get invited to a nice place with no mirrors, and lots of curtains… hey, you're a vampire!
Russell: What? No, I'm not.
Cordelia: Are too!
Russell: I don't know what you're talking about.
Cordelia: Hey, I'm from Sunnydale. We had our own Hellmouth! I think I know a vampire when I'm alone with him…in his fortress-like home. And you know, I think I'm just feeling a little light headed from hunger. I'm just wacky. And kidding! Ha, ha.
Russell: (to Angel) You made a very big mistake coming here.
Cordelia: You don't know who he is, do you? Oh, boy! You are about to get your ass kicked!
Russell: Angel. We do things a certain way here in LA.
Angel: Well, I'm new here.
Russell: But you're a civilized man. We don't have to go around attacking each other. Look at me. I pay my taxes. I keep my name out of the paper, and I don't make waves. And in return I can so anything I want!
Angel: Really. Hmm. Can you fly? (he thrusts Russell's chair out the window into the sun where Russell burns up.) Hmm. I guess not.
Doyle: What happened to Russell?
Angel: He went into the light.
Doyle: Hey, you know, maybe we should go over this thing again of you getting out in the world and involving yourself with people. It's Friday night. It's the most social night of the week! A couple of lookers like us should be out there enjoying the nightlife. Not sitting here in the dark like some kind of…
Angel: Some kind of vampire?
Doyle: Well, yeah. I was going to say Slacker, but, yeah, to you, Mr. Obvious. You got to come out, man!
Cordelia: Your cards.
Doyle: The cards.
Cordelia: Your calling cards to leave with people so they know how to reach you.
Doyle: Great idea! Calling cards. It's not like you have a signal folks can shine in the sky when ever they need help, you know?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Angel: Um, I'm just wondering, have you noticed anything unusual tonight?
Bartender: Unusual?
Angel: Yeah, you know, out of the ordinary. Possibly even…dangerous?
Bartender: Don't worry. It's early yet. The real hot women don't mosey in until around 11:00.
Cordelia: Yeah, I mean, what's with those vision things of yours?
Doyle: They're messages I get, you know from the higher powers, whoever they may be. You know, it's my gift!
Cordelia: If that was my gift, I'd return it.
Cordelia: I guess the single life's particularly tough on you.
Angel: Why?
Cordelia: Well, a couple of hundred years ago all you had to worry about was a hang over. Today, because of your curse thingy, you can't sleep with anyone or else you might feel a moment of true happiness, lose your soul, become evil again, and kill everyone.
Angel: Thanks Cordelia, I always appreciate your perspective.
Cordelia: No problem. Hey, the last thing I want is to show up at the office and find that I'm working for a homicidal monster.
Kate: Well, I'll tell you what: I can go where ever I want and ah, you can go to hell.
Angel: Been there, done that.
Angel: I know you guys have been working hard. I mean, you've been cooped up inside a lot. And to show my appreciation I was thinking, the night being, you know, young and all that the three of us could well, should, You know, maybe, go out, you know, for fun.
Cordelia: Or we can go home.
Doyle: And you can sit in the dark alone.
Angel: God, yes! Thank you.
Doyle: All I'm saying is that if we're ever going to take that cruise to the Bahamas together, we're going to need a lot more clients of means.
Cordelia: And an alternate reality in which you are Matthew McConaughey.
Cordelia: This is so cool! I mean, here you are in LA, and you're the total embodiment of all things Sunnydale.
Oz: It's a burden, but I manage.
Cordelia: We have some serious catching up to do. How is everything? How's…how's The Bronze?
Oz: The same.
Cordelia: And the gang?
Oz: They're good.
Cordelia: Good? Good! Good.
(Pause)
Oz: Are we done?
Cordelia: Completely.
Marcus: His skin…
Spike: Annoying isn't it? Still attached.
Marcus: He's known love.
Spike: Yeah, and with a Slayer no less. How is that for perversion?
Spike: Right, vampire with a soul. Cursy-cursed to walk the earth trying to do good. That's not going to be a problem, is it?
Marcus: On the contrary. Creatures with souls have something to lose.
Spike: Souls, fingers, toes… Let's get chopping, will you? I want my damn ring!
Marcus: What do you want Angel?
Angel: A house in the country, a pair of good running shoes that you can also wear out to dinner.
Spike: She is cute when she is hurting, isn't she?
Angel: I think she's cuter when she's kicking your ass.
Cordelia: When you are done giving the place the Johnny Depp once-over I hope you have the cash to pay for all of this.
Spike: Cordelia. Love the hair.
Cordelia: Wish I could say the same.
Angel: Am I intimidating? I mean, do I put people off?
Cordelia: Well, as vampires go, you're pretty cuddly. Maybe you might want to think about mixing up the black on black look.
Cordelia: Maybe he has an accomplice, or a hidden camera. Not everything has to be creepy and supernatural, you know.
Angel: Not everything, but Doyle had a vision.
Cordelia: Which last time led to a sex-changing-body-switching-tear-your-innards-out-demon, right. I guess they don't call you for their every day cases.
Doyle: Let's march down to the bank and deposit this beauty.
Angel: You guys go ahead. I think I'll stay here and not burst into flames.
Doyle: Oh, right, you're pretty much the night deposit guy. Still, cause to celebrate.
Cordelia: We need more of these now. Have a vision.
Doyle: I can't just perform on demand.
Cordelia: We need the clients. Have a vision.
Doyle: That money has corrupted you.
Cordelia: If I hit you on the head, will you have a vision?
Doyle: Get away from me. You're insane.
Cordelia: Am not. Now will you have a vision?
Cordelia: I am not giving up this apartment!
Angel: It's haunted.
Cordelia: It's rent controlled!
Cordelia: I'm sorry.
Maude: You better be sorry, you stupid little bitch.
Cordelia: I'm a bitch.
Maude: You are going to make yourself a noose and put it around…
Cordelia: Back off! Polygrip. You think *you're* bad? Being all mean and haunty? Picking on poor pathetic Cordy? Well, get ready to haul your wrinkly translucent ass out of this place, because lady, the bitch is back.
Maude: Do you think that I'm going to take that from trash like you?
Cordelia: I tell you what I think. I think that you're going to pack your little ghost bags and get the HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Angel: So I'm a little reserved, that doesn't mean I don't care.
Cordelia: It's like you don't have a pulse.
Angel: I don't.
Angel: I've heard some things. I don't know the specifics yet, but I think that Papazian's taking a contract out on you.
Kate: Wow.
Angel: I'm going to stay on this…
Kate: He's really acting out, isn't he?
Angel: Well, yeah! He wants you dead.
Kate: Oh, I get that. I'm just saying that he must be in some kind of pain to strike out at other's in that way.
Kate: (to Angel) You have the most intense eyes. I see such an old soul.
Doyle: He gets that a lot, you know.
Cordelia: Hey! What's your damage?
Doyle: I think he's just found Mr. Sensitivity.
Angel: He was right in here all the time, just waiting to come out. Gosh, what our folks do to us, huh?
Cordelia: (to Angel) He put the whammy on you! You stink with whammy!
Doyle: She's right.
Angel: Talking stick, it's cursed all right.
Cordelia: (to Doyle) There's a stick that talks?
Angel: Cordelia, do you have *any* idea just how *precious* you are?
Doyle: So there was never any contract on detective Lockley?
Angel: No, Little Tony was planning all along just to kill her himself. Poor guy.
Cordelia: Poor guy?
Angel: Well, he's got issues.
Cop: We're closed.
Doyle: You're the police! You can't close.
Cop: Why not? Haven't we done enough? It's always 'find this, rescue that' with you people. Well, see how you like it!
Cordelia: Come on! Let's go!
Angel: (re: the broken window) Wow. That's vandalism. We should leave a note.
Cordelia: Would you come on?
Angel: What's the magic word?
Cordelia: Urgh!
Angel: No, I don't think 'urgh' is the magic word, if one would call it a word. And even then it's certainly not a magic one.
Cordelia: We don't have time for this!
Angel: There is always time to be considerate of others, Cordelia.
Tony: Thought you finally it over on me, huh? Thought you were smarter than Little Tony. Well, nobody beats me baby. Not even a stone bitch like you.
Kate: I am not a bitch! I'm just protected.
Angel: Hey! I'm feeling some serious negative energy in this room.
Tony: Oh, I've been wanting to see you again.
Kate: I'm sure he'd say the same thing, but that gun really makes you come off as hostile.
Angel: That and the body language. It's so closed.
Angel: It's so sad, isn't it?
Kate: Some people just really need to live in the problem.
Doyle: So that's it then? That's your exciting plan for this evening? A book?
Angel: I get enough excitement.
Doyle: Yeah of the evil fighting variety. How about a little off-duty fun?
Angel: Such as?
Doyle: Two beautiful words: Sports Bar!
Cordelia: So, here I am at Le Petite Renard with Mr. Armani, who could keep me in blue boxes for the rest of my life…
Angel: Blue boxes?
Cordelia: Tiffany's! God! And the whole night I was bored silly. All I could think about was: if this wimp ever saw a monster he'd probably throw a shoe at it and run like a weasel. Turns out the shoe part was giving him to much credit.
Dad: Ah, lets see…first we greet the man of the hour. Then we drink. We bring out the food. Then we drink. Then comes the Stripper. Darts. Then we have the ritual eating of the first husbands brains, and then charades.
Brother: Wait! What was that? Charades?
Cousin: Yeah, I don't know about that.
Richard: Really? I think it'll be fun.
Everyone: Oh, all right.
Aunt Martha: Come on girls, it's pornographic pictionary time!
Harry: (to Cordelia) Their ways are *not* our ways.
Cordelia: Hello?
Angel: It's Angel. Where are you?
Cordelia: In the netherworld known as the 818 area code.
Harry: Excuse me ladies.
Mom: What is it, honey?
Harry: It's about the bachelor party. Richard said having the former husband present was some sort of tradition. I was just wondering…
Aunt Martha: Well, they're certainly not going to eat your ex-husband's brains! For instance.
Dad: The accursed books tell us all very plainly that ingesting a priorly married prospective bride's former primary mate's fresh brains will insure a happy second marriage. This way, Richie can incorporate all the love you and Harry shared, making their union whole. It's an Ano-movic thing, don't ask.
Richard: You're not trying to back out, are you? Not after you gave your blessing.
Doyle: Yeah, yeah. I take it back!
Richard: Oh. Well. I see. Now I'm not so sure I even *want* to eat your brains!
Dad: Don't be petulant, Richard. You'll eat his brains. He can't take back a blessing. Now, apologize to your friend.
Richard: He's right. That was rude. I'd be honored to eat your brains.
Harry: I'm only going to ask you this once, Richard, and I expect a straight answer. Were you or were you not intending to eat my ex-husband's brains?
Richard: In a way.
Harry: And when were you planning on telling me?
Richard: I thought maybe I wouldn't have to.
Harry: You were going to start out our life together with deceit?
Richard: I was just trying to bless our marriage - like in the ancient teachings.
Harry: And since when does your family follow the ancient teachings?
Uncle: We don't flaunt our beliefs, but they're very dear to us.
Harry: (to Uncle) Oh, *please* Uncle John! When is the last time you pried your self away from ESPN long enough to spill the blood of a she-goat?
Cousin: Are you going to let her talk to Uncle John like that?
Harry: (to Richard) You know how I feel about these barbaric Ano-movician customs!
Cousin: Racist! You're nothing but a racist!
Brother: You don't need her anyway!
Cousin: Yeah, who wants a wife whose knees only bend the one way?
Cordelia: He saw Buffy. He was in Sunnydale for three days, tracking her and that thingymagiggy you saw in your vision. Where is the crabby scowl, the morbid gloom? This just means that it cut deeper then usual. Batten down the hatches, here comes Hurricane Buffy.
Doyle: You think? Maybe he's over her.
Cordelia: You have so much to learn little Irish man.
Angel: Look, Buffy will always going to be a part of me, and that's never going to change. But she's human and I'm not. And that's also never going to change. We said our good-byes, no need to stir any of this up again.
Cordelia: You don't want to 'stir', but if my ex came to town and was all stalking me in the shadows and then left and then didn't even say 'hello' I'd be…
Buffy: A little upset. Wouldn't you?
Buffy: So, what, you just took a whole 24 hours to weigh the ups and downs of being a regular Joe and decided it was more fun being a super hero?
Angel: You know that's not it. How can we be together if the cost is your life or the lives of others?
Angel: I tried to do what I thought was right. It's complicated how this all happened, Buffy, you know? It's kind of a long story.
Buffy: You're new sidekick had a vision, I was in it, you came to Sunnydale?
Angel: Okay, maybe not that long.
Buffy: Friend of yours?
Angel: Never saw it before.
Buffy: It was rude. We should go kill it.
Angel: I'm free.
Angel: Buffy and I were attacked by some kind of demon. I- I tracked it - and killed it a-and some of its blood mixed with mine.
Doyle: And you wound up with a pulse?
Angel: Oh my God. Food. This is unbelievable. This is so…you know, I forgot how good it all tastes when you're alive!
Cordelia: Yeah, and they didn't even have Cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip when you were alive.
Angel: Mmm, I want some! Can you get that?
Cordelia: It'll go straight to your thighs.
Cordelia: Why didn't you tell me that you were half demon? I thought we agreed that secrets are bad!
Doyle: I wanted to tell you. I was afraid. I thought if I did, you'd reject me.
Cordelia: I've rejected you way before now! So, you're half demon. Big Whoop! I can't believe you'd think I'd care about that. I mean, I work for a vampire! Hello?
Doyle: It's true. I just...
Cordelia: What do you think I am, superficial? So you're half demon. That's so far down the list, way under 'short' and 'poor'! Is there anything else I should know?
Doyle: The half demons thing is pretty much my big secret.
Cordelia: Good. That's out. It's done. Would you ask me out to dinner already?
Doyle: You had the one thing in your unnaturally long life and you gave it back?
Angel: You never know your strength until you're tested.
Cordelia: I didn't ask for this responsibility, unlike some people, who shall remain lifeless! I don't have anything to atone for. If they know what's good for them, the PTB better just stay out of my head.
Angel: The Powers That Be. You had a vision.
Cordelia: Boy! Howdy. And guess what, you know how they look painful? Well, they feel a whole lot worse!
Wesley: I'm a rogue demon hunter now.
Cordelia: Oh, wow. What's a rogue demon?
Cordelia: Do you even know where you're headed?
Wesley: Us rogue demon hunters rarely do. Wherever evil lurks, wherever the forces of darkness threaten humanity, that's where I'll be.
Cordelia: Well, okay. Keep in touch.
Wesley: Yes. Yes, I will. But now the evil lurking everywhere bids me onwards. So…I go.
Cordelia: Take care.
Wesley: Yes. No rest for the wicked fighters. Through storm and rain, heat, famine, deep, painful, gnawing hunger I go.
Angel: Breakfast?
Wesley: Ooh (eagerly hurries to the table) I suppose so.
Cordelia: (to Wesley) One of the perks of the job. After an all-nighter of fighting the lurking evil we get eggs.
Emily: Want to come?
Angel: Oh, I think I may be busy. Besides, ah, I, uhm, I don't lounge all that well.
Wesley: Good one! Oh, yes. No, he's ah, he's no lounger (puts an arm around Angel) this one.
Sarina: (to Emily) The good ones are always gay.
(Wesley quickly removes his arm from around Angel's shoulder.)
Angel: We have to move fast. You're gonna have to see what's inside her.
Wesley: I beg your pardon?
Angel: Pre-natal exam, Wesley.
Wesley: Oh, of course. And what about you?
Angel: I'm going to find Daddy.
Bartender: So, you her boyfriend?
Angel: No. I'm family.
Cordelia: You saw what's inside of me?
Wesley: I think we should find Angel.
Cordelia: Wesley, please just tell me!
Wesley: Cordelia...
Cordelia: Do they look healthy?
Cordelia: I learned something, too. I learned, uhm, men are evil? Oh, wait, I knew that. I learned that LA is full of self-serving phonies. No, had that one down, too. Uh... sex is bad?
Angel: We all knew that.
Cordelia: Okay. I learned that I have two people I trust absolutely with my life. And that part's new.
Cordelia: Hi! Are you having fun?
Angel: Sure. This is, ah...
Cordelia: Your idea of hell?
Angel: Actually in hell you tend to know a lot of the people. No, I-I'm having a great time.
Cordelia: Yeah? Can I get you some blood or anything?
Angel: I'm good.
Angel: Shipping order. We've got an address. We're heading out.
Wesley: That's it? They seemed... There were quite a few of them. Perhaps we need a plan.
Angel: Here is the plan: we go in, I start hitting people hard in the face see where it takes us.
Guy: Welcome, bro.
Angel: I need to see Jhiera. Now!
Guy: I'm sorry, no Jhiera here, but I already see I can help you. First lets talk about the clothes vibe.
Angel: She's in trouble. There are men coming for her.
Guy: And which dimension are you from, brother?
Angel: You don't want to know.
Angel: The mark of Kekfadlorem. I've heard of it, but I've never seen it.
Wesley: A knife with that mark is the only thing that will kill a Kek demon. Could be very useful.
Angel: Especially if Kek demons weren't extinct.
Seth: A lot of health nuts these days, you know? Like anyone needs to live forever.
Angel: No one needs that.
Rick: That's a Shorshack box.
Cordelia: What's the diff?
Rick: About 20 Dollars, and it's not available in a mahogany finish.
Cordelia: Looks the same. Handcrafted by blind Tibetan monks?
Rick: Pieced together by mute Chinese nuns. Now that's craftsmanship.
Cordelia: Demons, Demons, Demons. Wow! They put a lot of thought into that title.
Wesley: It's a demon database. What would you call it?
Cordelia: I don't know. How about Demon Database?
Wesley: Ahh! A name rife with single entendre.
Cordelia: Why isn't Wolfram & Hart in here?
Wesley: Because they are lawyers, not demons?
Cordelia: Fine line, if you ask me.
Angel: You both did great. And I think we did a good thing here tonight.
Wesley: Yes. We set the captives free.
Cordelia: Well, actually, didn't we set a bunch of demons free?
Wesley: Oh. Well. Technically…yes.
Cordelia: (aims a bottle of water at him) Back off!
Angelus: What are you going to do? Melt me?
Cordelia: One more step and you’ll find out. You think this is just water?
Angelus: You’re bluffing.
Cordelia: Am I? You don’t think I wasn’t ready for this, do you? That I hadn’t prepared for it? Why do you think I have a stake stashed in my desk – a cross in my bag? I think about this happening - every single day!
Angelus: That’s just drinking water.
Cordelia: Fresh from a mountain spring, delivered right to our door – then blessed every second Tuesday by Father Mackie, the local parish priest, while you’re down in the Bat-cave, sleeping through the better part of the day. - You don’t believe me? - Have some! (She tosses the water in his face, Angel groans and turns away. He straightens back up, staring, not burned.) And the Oscar goes to...
Gunn: Give me one good reason.
Angel: It'll be extremely dangerous.
Gunn: Okay.
Angel: You want to try and stop me, Kate?
Kate: I'm glad we are not playing friends anymore. And I'm real sick and tired of your attitude. There is a thing called the law!
Angel: This isn't about the law, this is about a little thing called life. Now I'm sorry about your father. But I didn't kill your father. And I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for everything you can't handle! You want to be enemies? Try me.
Attendant: That guy has horns.
Angel: Steroids. Not good for you.
Angel: The thing about a gym is that you're not alone. You've got people around. That encourages you to work out.
Cordelia: You don't have to work out. You're eternal.
Angel: I may not always be. You got your steam. You got your sauna. You got fresh towels. I mean, how bad could it be?
Cordelia: You shower with a lot of men.
Angel: I'll always be a loner.
Gunn: He was on our side?
Angel: Yeah.
Gunn: Well, did you find the scumbag that killed him?
Angel: I'm the scumbag that killed him.
Gunn: Oh.
Angel: So you didn't kill her.
Faith: I really wanted to. Took a big beating from the guards, too.
Angel: Sorry.
Faith: Earned worse. Guys like us kind of got it coming.
Angel: I had to sing Barry Manilow.
Faith: You're kidding.
Angel: In front of people.
Faith: And here I am talking about my petty little problems.
Angel: Just wanted to give you a little perspective.
Faith: Copa cabana?
Angel: Mandy. I don't wanna dwell on it.
Faith: The road to redemption is a rocky path.
Angel: Food getting any better?
Faith: You know, it's not that different from what I grew up on. It's a little one note. Eating the same thing every day.
Angel: I wonder what that's like.
Faith: Right.
Cordelia: Oh, this place is never gonna get clean.
Wesley: Buck up. It's just a little dust.
Cordelia: This isn't mere dust. This is 'son of dust.' This is the kind of dust that spawns countless generations of little baby dust. I give up.
Cordelia: When you do find him, you may wanna be a little more Guy Pierce in L.A Confidential and less Michael Madsen in Reservoir Dogs?
Gunn: I haven't bothered to see a movie since Denzel was robbed at the Oscars for Malcom X. - Later. (leaves)
Wesley: That was quite a performance.
Cordelia: I know! Talk about being wound up to tight.
Wesley: No. I-I mean Denzel.
Cordelia: Oh. Well, he is always great.
Wesley: (to Angel) What about you?
Angel: Who doesn't love Denzel?
Wesley: No! I mean what you said before. It's true. I've never seen you have so much trouble with a simple vampire before.
Angel: Off day. Lets go.
Wesley: Angel, it's me!
Angel: What are you doing here?
Wesley: Gunn's in trouble. Can't breathe.
Angel: Gunn can't breathe?
Wesley: I can't breathe.
Angel: Oh, sorry.
Wesley: Oh, it's quite alright. (Looks up at Angel) Now about the naked thing...
Angel: (looks down at himself) I'll get dressed.
Wesley: Much appreciated.
Angel: I've come to help you. My name is Angel.
Bethany: Great. I've stabbed an angel. Now I'm really never getting into heaven.
Angel: I'm not an angel. It's just a name.
Angel: She's very powerful. We got to find out everything we can about her.
Cordelia: Like oh, say, her name?
Angel: I was impaled at the time.
Cordelia: Of course. Perfectly understandable.
Angel: You know how hard it is to think straight with a re-bar through your torso?
Cordelia: Actually, I do. Benefits of a Sunnydale education.
Angel: She said she was staying with a friend.
Cordelia: Well, that narrows it down to people with friends. (To Wesley) Where do we keep that list?
Gunn: You call, I come. Loaded for bear, ready for battle, and something else that starts with B.
Wesley: What is that?
Gunn: (holds up a homemade ax) Ah, isn't that thing? Some of the kids at my camp put it together for me. Thought I might get the chance to stick it in something now.
Cordelia: Men are all alike.
Gunn: Fair Cordelia - you still saving my life?
Cordelia: Every minute.
Gunn: How's that working out?
Cordelia: You're alive, aren't you?
Gunn: I'm still dealing with this man's ugly-ass Living Room-set. Some people just shouldn't have money.
Angel: On the subject of money. How would you feel, maybe, you know, on a case by case basis?
Gunn: Are you offering to pay me for helping you?
Angel: Yeah.
Gunn: Cool.
Wesley: What you're saying is impossible. You staked her to dust three half years ago.
Angel: I know that. I also know it was her.
Wesley: Vampires don't come back from the dead.
Angel: I did. And I saw her. I'm not crazy!
Wesley: Where?
Angel: Right between the clowns the big, talking hot dog.
Gunn: Okay, what I want to know is how'd I live in L.A. all my life and not notice weird-ass stuff was going on?
Cordelia: Oh, the ass is even weirder than you think.
Wesley: The Host, the fellow talking to Angel over there? He helps demons, reads their souls, senses their futures...
Cordelia: Yes, but he can only do it when they sing Karaoke.
Magev: That car is your problem, pal. Says everything about you.
Angel: The car.
Magev: Yes, the car. You live in L.A. It's all about the car you drive.
Angel: I really don't think...
Magev: Vampire, living in a city known for its sun, driving a convertible.
Magev: Oh. So why all the layers, all the black? You know it's been about 80 degrees in the shade lately.
Angel: No reason. I-I don't have a body temperature so...
Magev: So it's for the look.
Angel: No. It's just this way I don't have to worry about matching.
Magev: You need to get over her. Okay, what does she look like?
Angel: She's beautiful. Small, blonde...
Magev: Right. So here's what you do. You go out and find yourself some small, blonde thing. You bed her, you love her, you treat her like crap, you break her heart. You and your inner demon will thank me, I promise.
Angel: Um...
Magev: Morning traveler. Do you seek enlightenment?
Gunn: I seek Angel. He with you?
Magev: Well, he was until the sun came up, then... You see that pile of dust over there? (Laughs) I'm just joking! He's inside. Come on.
Gunn: Joking. Great. We got ourselves a funny Zen Master.
Wesley: It has to be Paul Lanier. He thought that would keep Virginia unprotected. Then when his men couldn't take me out, he tipped off Bryce that I wasn't Angel. He hoped Bryce would get me out of the way.
Angel: What's going on? Were you in Virginia?
Wesley: That's beside the point.
Bryce: You were supposed to be Angel. This wouldn't have happened. That's why I hired him. He's a eunuch.
Angel: Eunuch?
Bryce: Ginny, don't do this! Don't make me angry!
Virginia: Right. Because then you might do something bad. You were going to kill me! You are not my father anymore.
(re: Cordelia's new haircut)
Wesley: What happened to your hair?
Cordelia: Excuse me?
Wesley: Your hair. It's new... - it's great! (Cordy smiles) When did this happen?
Cordelia: (stops smiling) Ten days ago.
Angel: You were at a party.
Cordelia: You know, party, soiree, night of a thousand humiliations...
Wesley: I spilled it on her in front of Mr. Fat Chow - Chow...
Cordelia: Chow Yun Fat!"
Angel: What, you met Chow Yun Fat?!
Cordelia: So, you were doing your laundry?
Angel: Yeah. There is an old washer and dryer in the cellar. Hmm, don't you just love it when they're still warm from the dryer? Wrinkle free, right after you iron it for about 15 minutes!
Wesley: It's good to see you taking a domestic tack.
Cordelia: Yeah, you seem all calm and homey. Are you on drugs?
Angelus: This is outrageous! Don't these people know who we are?
Darla: I think they do. Which would explain the lynch mob.
Angel: You're not a prisoner.
Darla: I've been hearing that a lot lately.
Angel: Just give me a chance. Okay? (leaves)
Cordelia: So, first up you're a prisoner.
Wesley: I'd have to concur with that, yes.
Cordelia: See, you've got our friend all in knots.
Wesley: Can't say we like you much.
Cordelia: So, sorry about the dying, but if you try to escape we will hit you.
Wesley: On the head.
Cordelia: With very large and heavy objects. Okay?
Lindsey: You can make this disease go away today if you wanted to.
Angel: By killing her again.
Lindsey: By giving her life! Eternal life.
Angel: And then what, Lindsey? You and her can be together? If I were to do it if I turned her, how long do think it would be before she hunted you down and had you for breakfast? I've got to say, I mean, that thought alone almost makes it worth it.
Angel: Well, he said I had to take the plunge.
Darla: Into an empty pool?
Angel: Sure. 'Cause if you had water, you'd get all wet and miss out on all that skull crushing.
Gunn: Okay. I'm still trying to get this family tree straight. Darla sired Angel.
Wesley: Correct.
Gunn: And Angel sired this Drusilla?
Wesley: Back when he and Darla were together, yes.
Gunn: But before Angel got his soul back, right?
Wesley: Certainly.
Gunn: Now these lawyers, they brought Darla back as human. Now this Drusilla-vamp goes and bites Darla?
Wesley: So it would seem.
Gunn: Making her a vampire again.
Wesley: That's the cosmological upshot, yes. Darla's human self has died and sometime before dawn, unless Angel can stop it, she will rise again, a soulless demon.
Gunn: So that means...
Wesley: The clock is ticking.
Gunn: No, no, what I'm saying is, that means the granddaughter remade the grandmother.
Wesley: Oh... yes.
Gunn: Man, somehow that weirds me out more than the whole bloodsucking thing.
Wesley: Angel, are you certain about this? A burial isn't necessary for a newly made vampire to...
Angel: It would be for Drusilla. She's a classicist.
Cordelia: She's a loony.
Darla: Your wife was kind enough to invite us in, Holland.
Holland: Ah. (he smiles)
Drusilla: Very sweet she was, like clover (licks a bit of blood from the corner of her lips) and honey.
(Holland's smile disappears.)
Darla: Just think of it as our way of giving you what you want.
Holland: What would I...
Darla: I believe you said something about… (she and Drusilla both vamp out) a massacre.
Darla: Come on, love. I never did get that good-bye kiss.
Angel: You will. But not tonight.
Lilah: For god's sake, help us.
Holland: Angel, please. People are going to die.
Angel: And yet, somehow, I just can't seem to care.
Cordelia: You have to change the way you've been doing things. Don't you see where this is taking you?
Wesley: Listen to her! Right now the three of us are all that's standing between you and real darkness.
Gunn: Best believe that, man.
Angel: (beat) I do. You're all fired.
Cordelia: What just happened? Can someone explain to me what just happened here?
Wesley: I believe we were fired.
Gunn: Canned.
Wesley: Let go.
Gunn: Axed.
Wesley: Shown the door.
Gunn: Booted.
Cordelia: Alright! I get it!
Virginia: Oh, the wizard community is very progressive.
Wesley: Your father tired to sacrifice you to the goddess Yeska.
Virginia: Yeah, one of the many reasons why I'll never talk to him again. Although I'm healing, thanks to a lot of therapy and a gigantic trust-fund.
Wesley: Come to find your destiny, have you? - And who's gonna help you with that?
Cordelia: Shanaia Twain or Madonna. I hadn't decided.
Wesley: I suppose we're both rather at lose ends now that Angel has...
Cordelia: ...pulled a total wig?
Wesley: Quite. I must admit, I'm somewhat embarrassed.
Gunn: How do you think *I* feel?
Cordelia: Gunn. What are you...? What happened to 'this was just a side gig?'
Gunn: Hey, I got a rep to maintain, alright? I can't have you all seeing through my brusque and macho exterior.
Cordelia: Oh, heavens forfend!
Wesley: So, I'll assume it's not Madonna, but what song were you going to sing?
Gunn: You wouldn't know it.
Cordelia: Ha. That's rich coming from Mr. 'I don't take orders - now where do I stick my ax?'
Gunn: What is that supposed to mean?
Wesley: Well, Gunn. You've never been very supportive of Angel's leadership role. I remember a certain shroud.
Gunn: Hold up. Hold on, are you trying to tell me this is my fault?
Wesley: Well, how is the man supposed to run a business if his employees won't follow directives?
Gunn: Was one of his directives 'hire pansy-assed British guys?'
Wesley: My ass is not pansy.
Cordelia: Earth to retards: you have an obsession you pretty much squeeze it into your schedule, no matter what!
Wesley: Aha! So you admit it's an obsession.
Cordelia: No. I mean, yes. But no.
Wesley: Hypocrite.
Cordelia: Ass-pansy.
Gunn: Where's Cordy?
Wesley: We don't know. Not here.
Gunn: You checked her pad?
Angel: I stopped by there earlier.
Gunn: You enjoying your visit to nineteen seventy three? (Picks up a memo pad) I meant her message pad.
Kate: I'm okay. Anyway, I'm *not* headed towards another pillathon. I'm very grateful. I never thought you'd come for me, but... I got cut a huge break and I believe... I don't know what I believe, but I have faith. I think maybe we're not alone in this.
Angel: Why?
Kate: Because I never invited you in.
Willow: Harmony? Wha-what about Harmony?
Cordelia: She's here in L.A.
Willow: Yikes. Big yikes. Uh. What happened? Did she come after you?
Cordelia: Yeah! She practically attacked me in my bedroom last night.
Willow: Your bedroom. How did she...
Cordelia: Came in while I was sleeping. Good thing I woke up, too. She was ready to jump me right there! But I think she got the message that I don't' go for that sort of stuff when I shot her down.
Willow: You wounded her?
Cordelia: She'll get over it. I never should have invited her to stay with me.
Willow: Say what?
Cordelia: Yeah, I know. Awkward much?
Willow: Cordelia! Okay. We're all clear on the fact that Harmony is a vampire, right?
Cordelia: Oh. Harmony is a vampire? That's why she…oh, my god, I'm so embarrassed! (Giggles) All this time I thought she was a great big lesbo! (pause while she listens to Willow) Oh, yeah? Really? Well, that's great! Good for you.
Cordelia: What's all this?
Angel: Lunch. I was hungry.
Cordelia: You don't eat food.
Angel: Oh, I can. It doesn't keep me alive, but, you know, sometimes I get a hankering.
Cordelia: You had a hankering for turkey, ham and roast beef sandwiches?
Angel: You missed the vegetarian.
Cordelia: Soup and salad, too? What is going on here?
Angel: (quietly) I forgot what you liked.
Cordelia: Why didn't you ask me?
Angel: Well, you said, why is everyone asking you if they can get you anything, and-and I didn't wanna *do* that...
Cordelia: So you did this instead.
Angel: (quietly) Yup.
Cordelia: I love you.
(Angel smiles)
Cordelia: And you ought to do that more often.
Angel: Buy you food?
Cordelia: Smile.
Angel: There is only one thing we can do now.
Cordelia: Oh, god. Oh, no.
Wesley: The Karaoke bar.
Gunn: Angel's gonna sing?
Cordelia: Isn't there some other way?
Wesley: There has to be. Think, damn it!
Angel: Hey!
Cordelia: You should pick something short.
Angel: I was thinking about Stairway to Heaven.
Wesley: Don't even joke about that.
Lindsey: What-why aren't you trying to kill me?!
Angel: Excuse me. I'm on a case here, Lindsey. Does everything always have to be about killing you all the time?
Lorne: They need the hotspot because they're going to Pylea, my home dimension.
Aggie: And you're not going with them?
Lorne: Hey, I'd rather have a hydrochloric acid facial. I'd rather invite a hive of wasps to nest in my throat. I'd rather sit through a junior high school production of Cats! You see where I'm going with this?
Lorne: How you're holding up?
Angel: I wanna go bad. I'm just waiting for Wes to have that Eureka moment.
Wesley: Eureka!
Angel: Oh, jeez. Thank god.
Lorne: You mean he actually really says Eureka?
Angel: So, we made it then. This is your world.
Lorne: Oh yes. Home sweet hell.
Angel: Ha! I'm not on fire.
Wesley: And we're together. (Look down at himself then at Lorne and Gunn in the backseat) And we didn't merge into some freakish, four-men Siamese twin!
Gunn: That was a risk? How come nobody told me that was a risk?
Angel: Can everyone just notice how much fire I'm not on?
Lorne: Just remember, keep your heads down. Xenophobia kind of a watch-word where I'm from.
Gunn: I don't get it. Why're they afraid of Xena? I mean, I think she's kind of fly.
Wesley: Xenophobia. Fear of foreigners?
Gunn: Oh. Then can we pretend I didn't just say that?
Groo: I was cast from my village. Cut off from my life givers. Forced to make my way on my own.
Cordelia: My parents were busted for tax fraud and my trust fund dried up over night.
Gunn: We're lost.
Wesley: Nonsense. I've been following the sun. We're headed due west, back toward the village.
Gunn: Which one?
Wesley: Which village?
Gunn: Which sun? There're two of them. Alternate dimension? We're lost.
(Wesley stops and holds up a hand for silence.)
Gunn: You're having a Blair witch moment?
Wesley: Something's hunting us.
Leader: Shove the list in their mouths, put their severed heads on sticks and display them outside the princess' window.
Gunn: Have I mentioned just how glad I am I decided to leave my people behind in LA so I could come here to die?
Cordelia: This is just pretty unsettling for me.
Lorne: Oh, I'm sure it must be. And after all, I only lost my head! Technically my body.
Cordelia: Okay, I realize this is a trying experience but I really don't see how yelling at me can help matters.
Lorne: Just put me in a bag and take me to the mutilation chamber.
Cordelia: I have no idea where the mutilation chamber might be! I...
Lorne: So, I guess I'll just sit here and die then. Find someone who knows!
Wesley: Forgive me, Gunn. I should never have opened my mouth.
Gunn: I've got a plan!
Wesley: Oh thank god! What is it?
Gunn: We die horribly and painfully, you go to hell and I spend eternity in the arms of baby Jesus.
Wesley: Oh.
Fred: I've been trying to make an enchilada out of tree bark.
Angel: Bark enchiladas. Huh. How's that going?
Fred: There is work to be done.
Cordelia: I knew that.
Marelda: Of course you did, exalted one. You know all. You must cut my tongue from my worthless skull!
Cordelia: No! No cutting. What is it with you people and mutilation?
Marelda: We don't have a lot of - entertainment, mum.
Angel: Krv... drplgr.. I know these words. These are the words we used to open up the portals.
Fred: They're not words. They're consonant representations of a mathematical transfiguration formula.
Angel: (beat) Well, obviously.
Angel: What can you tell me about the princess, huh?
Captain: The filthy cow bitch that brought you into our world?
Angel: Call her that again I'll remove your face…slowly.
Cordelia: Boy, that looks like your suit.
Lorne: It *is* my suit! You think they have French Viscose in this hellhole? (Moans) Why am I still alive? Once they chop me up it's over! I'm looking at pieces of myself! Oh, it's over! (Sobs) Wait a second. Since when do I have five toes?
Groo: I disobeyed the Covenant. I shall spend eternity burning in Tarkna for my sin.
Cordelia: Oh, who believes a literal Tarkna nowadays.
Angel: I challenge the Groosalug to mortal combat. Come out and face me you spineless coward!
Fred: Uh! Why'd you add that coward thing? That's really gonna piss him off.
Groo: What is this reconstruction?
Cordelia: Gunn, you wanna field this?
Gunn: It means sayin' people are free don't make 'em free. You got races that hate each other, you got some folks gettin' work they don't want, others losin' the little they had. You're lookin' at social confusion, economic depression and probably some riots. Good luck.
Wesley: Should people be bowing in a free society?
Cordelia: These things take time.
Cordelia: I can understand people who drink too much. I understand people who put a little note on the parking meter that says it's broken when it's not. I don't understand people who worship demons.
Gunn: Yeah. Especially Lu-rite demons. The stink on that thing... If you're a prince of the underworld, bro, take a Jacuzzi every once in a while.
Wesley: It's sad. The only way some people can find a purpose in life is by becoming obsessed with demons. By the way, Gunn, technically that wasn't a Lu-rite. It was a Mu-rite, a sub-species of the Lu-rite. The male sports a small, tell-tale fin just behind the third shoulder.
Gunn: So glad to know we're not the sad people obsessed with demons.
Gunn: Hmm. Angel and a bunch of monks in the middle of nowhere. There's a party! He should have got hammered and went to Vegas just like I told him.
Wesley: He doesn't need a lap dance. He needs some peace and quiet to work through this.
Man (speaking Tibetan): What happened?
Angel (answering in Tibetan): Demon monks. I should've gone to Vegas.
Cordelia: So, I hope you had a good retreat, all peaceful and meditate-y.
Angel: Sure, until the monks turned out to be life-sucking Shur-hod demons.
Wesley: Oh...
Gunn: Vegas.
Angel: (little laugh) Yeah.
Gunn: Ah, what Cordelia means is that she doesn't choose to have a vision. The Powers send them to her when they got info to share.
Wesley: Think of them as gifts.
Cordelia: Yes, having-my-head torn-open-and-hot-lava-poured-into-my-skull gifts.
Gunn: Right. Because why would I wanna walk with a cute, young woman on a beautiful night when I could be out hacking and slaying an ugly, boil-covered demon monster and getting myself killed.
Fred: I can't apologize enough.
Gunn: Hey, I just follow orders. No matter how tough the job.
Wesley: I think so. Something you probably won't like to hear is that both artifacts are considered objects of good.
Angel: Oh. So the Chinese guy and the boil guy...
Wesley: Were also aligned with the forces of good.
Angel: Damn! So hard to tell these days. You know, they should wear lapel pins or something.
Angel: How come he's not screaming in pain?
Skip: Oh, he is. My will prevents him from being heard. I mean there is only so many 'oh my god! The pain! Please make it stop!' that you can listen to before it starts to bug the crap out of you.
Lilah: You're a remarkable man, Angel.
Angel: Yeah, and you're an evil bitch.
Lilah: It's just business.
Angel: Right. Just business. Don't you come at me through Cordelia ever again. You play that card a second time and I'll kill you.
Angel: Am I the only one who read this?
Wesley: Read what?
Angel: Charlton Heston. Double feature! At the Nu-art. "Soylent Green" and "The Omega Man.
Gunn: Wow.
Angel: It's two for one. Did I mention, Charlton Heston? Who's in?
Fred: So now that she's alive again, are they gonna get back together? Angel and that girl with the goofy name?
Wesley: Well Fred that's a difficult question. I think it's fair to say…no. Not a chance, never, no way, not in a million years, and also 'nuh-uh.'
Wesley: My gypsy curse sometimes prevent me from seeing the truth. Oh, Buffy!
Cordelia: Yes, Angel?
Wesley: Oh, I love you so much I almost forgot to brood!
Cordelia: And just because I sent you to hell that one time doesn't mean that we can't just be friends.
Wesley: Or possibly more.
Cordelia: Gasp! No! We mustn't.
Wesley: Kiss me.
Cordelia: Bite me!
Angel: (os) How about you both bite me.
Roger: Frankly, Angel, I don't care if you drink pig's blood, cows blood, or those froofy, little, imported beers. You saved my little girl.
Angel: Well, I wouldn't 've had to if she hadn't gone all Amazonian and whacked that thing with a golf club.
Roger: Well, I tell ya, I hadn't seen a stroke like that since Nicklaus took on Gary Player in the '63...
Both: Bob Hope Dessert Classic.
Wesley: Brilliant deduction, Fred!
Gunn: Not to mention, that little axe gadget is tight.
Fred: That was just a random thought I had. What if you had to do battle with your arms cut off? Sure, you'd hemorrhage to death pretty quick, but at least you could take your enemy with you!
Roger: Now, Spiro Agnew, I *know* he was...
Angel: A Grathnar demon! You knew that? I thought I was the only one that knew that!
Roger: What else would he be, but a demon?
Cordelia: She died because of me.
Angel: No.
Cordelia: Yes! Angel, if he's somehow responsible then so am I.
Angel: You're not the one who broke him out and put him back on the streets. I did that.
Cordelia: For me. You did it to save me.
Angel: And I'd do it again.
Cordelia: Angel feels responsible for this guy because he brought him back from hell. I feel responsible because he did it to save me. You, who are actually responsible for the entire thing, feel nothing at all, because you are a vicious bitch.
Lilah: So? You know me.
Cordelia: Please, I was you with better shoes.
Angel: I'm looking for Billy Blim?
Dylan: Are you a friend of his or what?
Angel: Friend? To be honest I'm looking to kill the bastard.
Dylan: Oh. Come on in.
Billy: So, you can dress like a man, talk like a man? (Smiles) Does that make you feel superior?
Cordelia: Actually, I'm feeling superior because I have an arrow pointed at your jugular. And the irony of using a phallic shaped weapon? Not lost on me.
Cordelia: Hmm. It's weird!
Angel: What is?
Cordelia: I'm starting to get used to being creeped out and comforted at the same time.
Angel: I get that.
Angelus: Shouldn't we be killing Holtz?
Darla: I know, but it's just so much fun ruining his life. He's like family now.
Cordelia: Then way are Gunn and Wesley breaking and entering right now?
Angel: Breaking and entering is such a negative term. They are simply retrieving some missing pieces from the Nyazian Scroll. Just to make sure...
Cordelia: Hey, what are friends for?
Darla: If you ask me, they're for knocking you up and leaving you high and dry.
Fred: Can I say something about destiny?- Screw destiny! If this evil thing comes we'll fight it, and we'll keep fighting it until we whoop it. 'cause destiny is just another word for inevitable and nothing's inevitable as long as you stand up, look it in the eye, and say 'your evitable!' Well, you…you catch my drift.
Lorne: Wow. I like her so much!
Wesley: Not to mention some bastard's blown a gaping hole in the lift.
Angel: Sorry. My bastard.
Wesley: Angel, we could use your help when you're finished changing the baby, who is being changed on my desk.
Angel: Sorry. I needed the space.
Wesley: Of course. And seeing as you once nearly had sex on my desk I shouldn't be surprised that now there is a baby on it.
Angel: Hey! First of all that wasn't me, that was some guy who switched bodies with me. And second of all (whispers) can we keep the S-E-X talk away from the baby?
Gunn: What are you doing?
Wesley: Trying to imagine myself as John Wayne in Rio Bravo. You?
Gunn: Austin Stoker, Assault on Precinct Thirteen.
Cordelia: If we live through this, trade in your DVD Players and get a life.
Gunn: Ladies. Less yammering, more scrub.
Cordelia: My, Gunn, don't you look sterile.
Gunn: Couple more hours of sniffing that industrial cleanser, I think I might be.
Cordelia: The Powers That Be popped me out of my body and sent me to a mall?
Skip: Actually, this is more a construct of a mall. You know, like in the Matrix.
Cordelia: You've seen the Matrix.
Skip: Oh, I love that flick. When Trinity is all 'dodge this' and the agent just crumples to the (Cordy sighs) and I'm not really instilling any *awe* anymore, am I?
Skip: We've been over this. I respect what you're trying to do. It's noble and heroic, and all that other Russle Crowe 'Gladiator' crap.
Cordelia: You've seen...
Skip: Didn't love it.
Fred: How is the Connor fund?
Angel: There was a dollar eighty three in the cushions out there. That's perfectly good money just lying around.
Cordelia: Oh, he wonders where his father's been.
Angel: Papa's got mouths to feed.
Cordelia: Ah. I have a mouth, too. Always have had one. Kind of known for it and we've fed it fine for years. Yeah.
Angel: Hey, Lorne.
Lorne: If this is about the baby formula that I snagged from the fridge last night - sorry. I was feeling a little peckish and it was that or a glass of pig's blood. By the way, baby formula and Kaluha? Not as bad as it sounds.
Wesley: The Internet article I'm currently writing posits a formula for the genome mapping of creatures who don't have genes. It's an exciting arena.
Lorne: One I'm sure we can all download at 'I'll-never-know-the-love-of-a-woman dot com.'
Lorne: Bon giorno, everybody, bon giorno.
Angel: You've been drinking?
Lorne: Oh, I can hold my liquor, Mister. Unfortunately I can't say the same for my firewater.
Fred: Aren't they the same thing?
Lorne: Hey, Fred-girl! No, this is special firewater, used to loosen the tongue of my Gar-wak snitch. They light the water on fire and there's chanting and a bong, and look out, Houston!
Lorne: Bro, I'm on it. I've got rats looking all over this town. Well, not actual rats, except two of them.
Ally: But why? Why is he hanging around here? What does he want?
Wesley: Perhaps there is something he left unfinished, something he wants to tell you.
Gunn: Or maybe he just wants to eat your intestines.
Fred: There is a ascending and descending causation instantly proved by (the pieces stick together) - that! (Giggles) I think I'm on to something here.
Lorne: Yeah, me too. Unfortunately it requires a vomitorium.
Gunn: Well, I guess you cut off the snake's head...
Wesley: You piss the other snakes off.
Lorne: Uh, still tied up down here.
Fred: Oh...
Lorne: Yeah, come on. My hands are turning pink.
Angel: Guys, can I say something? (looks at the spilled money) Money's important but it…it isn't everything. I got…I got carried away. I just (looks down at Connor) I never had a life that was totally dependent on me before. (looks at the money again) But that's no excuse. (To Cordy) Where was I?
Cordelia: Money's not the most important.
Angel: No, it's not. What's important is (looks from Connor to the other) family - and the mission.
Cordelia: (beat) They tried to cut Fred's head off. We earned every penny.
Angel: What?
Cordelia: Nothing! I just find it endlessly fascinating how your instincts are so highly attuned when it comes to boring old evil, but you have yet to make any mention of these new shoes.
Angel: Look, Cordelia. Women's shoes... men... they just don't--
(Doyle enters.)
Doyle: Great shoes! New?
Angel: Okay. There may have been some magic.
Lorne: There. You see?
Angel: Actual magic, Lorne. Whatever happened, it was a spell. It's worn off now. There's nothing between Cordelia and me.
Lorne: Sure there is. And it got arms like steel cables and a deeply ironic sense of timing.
Fred: I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous, I know. It's just - I don't have a lot of experience in this area. I spent the last five years in a cave.
Gunn: Yeah, I know what that's like.
Fred: How could you?
Gunn: Because now everything's so bright my eyes hurt.
Wesley: Angel, you're the reason we've all come together. It's your mission which animates us. We each contribute, it's true, but you - you're unique. (Indicates the shelves) You're like one of these rare volumes. One of a kind.
Proprietor: (walking up with three books) I've got three of them.
Cordelia: Oh, wait. It's not like your strength is in your hair, or anything like that, right?
Groo: No. I - believe it is in my muscles.
Cordelia: Okay. So, we lose the "Battlefield Earth" hair, and get you out of these animal skins, and it'll be a whole new you!
Angel: Okay. Oh, jeez. Well, it's okay. You know, no one is using my heart at the moment anyway.
Demon: Kill you.
Angel: Sorry. Already dead.
Demon: Vampire!
Angel: Yeah. Did I mention that?
Angel: You-you don't understand. I-I got like really good hearing. I mean *really* good hearing.
Doctor: Well, most first time parents do. You said this wheeze or gurgle happened while you were feeding him?
Angel: Is that bad? What is it?
Doctor: In my professional opinion - it's called digestion.
Angel: Oh.
Gunn: I wanna know how he does it. No last name, no bank account. How are you ordering stuff off the web?
Fred: It's not that hard, really. All you have to do is hack into the shipping database, find someone who is ordering what you want, then substitute your information. (Sees Gunn and Angel looking at her.) Except that would just be high-tech robbery.
Angel: I memorized Cordelia's credit card numbers.
Fred: Oh. Low-tech robbery.
Angel: You know, hockey is a great sport.
Gunn: You realize this is the whitest sport known to man?
Angel: True. But the games are indoors, and they usually play at night.
Gunn: Got you.
Lilah: You don't have an appointment.
Sahjhan: That's it? No 'wow, how did he do that?' No screaming in terror? You twenty first century types are so jaded.
Lilah: You're Sahjhan, aren't you? I may be jaded, but I do my homework. And there's a girl downstairs, she's got records on everything that ever happened. (Sits back) My company rocks.
Follower: Maybe we should cut out his tongue - send a message to Angelus.
Wesley: Maybe.
(Wesley hauls back and hits the man, dropping him to the ground.)
Wesley: Or perhaps you could lie on the floor and gag for a while.
Wesley: Demons that can make themselves look human - for a time. Ten days, two weeks, then they revert to what they really are.
Gunn: I wonder why they would wanna look like musicians?
Angel: For the chicks. Musicians get the chicks! (Everyone turns to look at him) What? They're gonna appear as dentists? Let's take 'em out.
Singer: Dude! You're paying for that window.
Gunn: No, I'm not.
Drummer: Wait, are you the "A" and "R" guys? This isn't even the whole band. We got a killer chick who sings! (Looks at Fred) Hey, baby! Hey, don't worry about the window, Holmes.
Angel: We're not the "A" and "R" guys. We're just here to kill you.
Drummer: Ah, dude, they wanna kill us.
Singer: Okay. But they're still paying for the window.
Angel: So - you all are in cahoots. Ethereal time-traveling demon - you're the screwball that brought Holtz back. - How's that working out? He's not very fond of demons, is he?
Sahjhan: You will learn nothing from me.
Lilah: Other than that you're his sworn enemy, who brought Holtz back, and when that didn't work out, you came to me. Idiot.
Angel: I'm a little confused.
Fred: About what? What was unclear?
Cordelia: Well... upstairs -- you said you thought Gunn was in danger.
Fred: He is!
Cordelia: Right... and you think that because...
Fred: He broke up with me!
Cordelia: Ah.
Fred: But not really!
Cordelia: Oh.
Fred: Don't you see? He hurt me! And the only reason he'd do that is to protect me from something! And whatever it is, it's gotta be bad because... this hurts like hell.
Angel: Then I guess we better help him. (pause while everyone looks at him) We are not losing another member of this family.
Angel: Double or nothing!
Jenoff: You offerin' me your soul?
Angel: A chance to win it, anyway.
Jenoff: How stupid do I look to you? You're a vampire. I can smell it from here.
Angel: Take a bigger whiff. I'm a vampire with a soul.
Jenoff: Oh. You're that vampire.
Lorne: Okay, unless anyone else has something, let me be the first to say WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
Angel: That... was Cordelia.
Groo: You are truly a goddess.
Cordelia: (an aside to Angel) Well, demonness, anyway. Sure beats horns and a tail.
Lorne: (offended) Hey. I'm standing right here.
Gunn: Angel? I hate to bring that up, but are we sure this was Connor? Just 'cause he said 'hi, dad'?
Angel: That was him.
Gunn: Couple of weeks ago he was wearing diapers. Now he's a teenager?
Cordelia: Tell me we don't live in a soap opera.
Groo: Yes. I'm sure Angel has regaled you with his many exploits.
Cordelia: Oh, he's tried alright. But I get so bored with all that 'days of yore' crap.
Fred: Connor is new to this world, alone, probably scared.
Gunn: Yeah, he looked scared, kicking my ass.
Fred: But what if it was some vengeance-y else thing that's after Connor?
Angel: He survived Quor-toth this long. He can take care of himself.
Fred: Okay. So he survived and unspeakable hell dimension. Who hasn't? You-you can't just leave him alone in the streets of Los Angeles!
Angel: Listen, um, - I - I, ah, have to go out for a while.
Connor: It's okay.
Angel: It's kind of my job.
Connor: Yeah. Whatever.
Angel: It could be kind of dangerous. There's a lot of killing and violence. (pause) You wanna come?
Lorne: Oh, hey, kiddo. I didn't see you there. You looking for your dad? Come on. He's upstairs. I'll show you the room. - This way.
Connor: I'm not going anywhere with you, demon.
Lorne: I'll tell you what, since you were raised in a hell dimension by a psychopath, and since that happens to be a topic that I know a little something about, we'll just let that slide. Now I'll fetch your pop for you.
Angel: How do you know?
Cordelia: Because you're you.
Angel: Me. A vampire.
Cordelia: You, a vampire.
Angel: Who drinks blood, keeps to the shadows, and is older than everybody he knows put together.
Cordelia: You're all those things, plus tight with a buck. But none of that matters.
Angel: Why not?
Cordelia: Because you have the biggest and best heart of anyone I've ever known. He's a smart kid. He'll figure it out. It's gonna be alright.
Cordelia: What do you mean?
Lorne: Leaving - on the midnight train to Georgia. Actually it's the nine eighteen flight to Vegas tomorrow, but where is the poetry in that?
Angel: Is this because of Connor? - Steven.
Lorne: This is because of me. A buddy of mine has a club just off the strip, and he needs a singer and a seer. I could maybe do a little good.
Cordelia: Well, what about rebuilding your club here?
Lorne: That's a great idea, pixie-cat. Except every time I do, you all seem to destroy it.
Cordelia: It was only - three times.
Lilah: Mind if I join you?
Wesley: On many levels and with great intensity.
Skip: Sorry. You remember me? I'm...
Cordelia: Yeah. Skip. You tend to remember your demon guides.
Linwood: What - you're gonna kill a human in front of your son, set an example?
Gunn: I vote yes!
Angel: (to Linwood) You're not human.
Gunn: *Now* he's humming.
Fred: He's *really* happy. But not perfectly happy, I hope!
Angel: No! Ouch!
Fred: Just checking.
Angel: What are you doing here?
Connor: We're family. And I wanna show you how I feel about that.
Skip: You remember me? I'm...
Cordelia: Yeah. Skip. You tend to remember your demon guides. What is going on?
Skip: I think you know.
Cordelia: I'm dying.
Skip: No. No, you're not - dying.
Cordelia: Not dying?
Skip: No.
Cordelia: (punches him) Say that part first!
Cordelia: Why would the Powers give me time to have the most important conversation of my life? I'm on my way to... (Skip just looks at her) I'm in love! With Angel.
Skip: What you're being called to do - transcends love.
Lorne: Back in Pylea they used to call me 'sweet potato.'
Connor: Really?
Lorne: Yeah, well, the exact translation was 'fragrant tuber' but...
Cordelia: You can't toast with an empty glass.
Angel: It's not bad luck, is it?
Cordelia: Angel, relax. It's over. Things are back the way they should be and nothing is ever going to break us apart again. And if anything tries I'm gonna have to go all glowy and personally kick it's ass.
Angel: I like it when you glow.
Cordelia: Well, play your cards right...
Connor: That thing with the ax was cool, huh?
Gunn: Yeah, that was tight. (Hands the ax to Connor) Now you get to clean it.
Connor: Vamps dust, nothing to clean.
Gunn: Two coats of polish.
Fred: Lorne!
Gunn: Did he have anything?
Fred: No. And who's fluffy? Are you fluffy?
Gunn: He called me fluffy?
Fred: He said make sure... Wait. You don't - think he was referring to anything of mine that's fluffy, do you? Because that would just be inappropriate.
Angel: Why is it like this?
Lorne: Well, that's the age-old, bubby. I'll fire you off a postcard if I'll noodle the answer.
Angel: Life should be beautiful and bright. But, no matter how hard I try, everything I touch - turns to ashes.
Lorne: Well, there goes that encouraging hug I was planning. Snap to, buckaroo. The only one turning to ashes is that patricidal pup of yours. Hell, I'd take him out myself if I wasn't just a crappy hallucination.
Wesley: How is he?
Lorne: How do you think?
Justine: He won't shut up.
Angel: I have to stop him.
Lorne: You wanna bitch-slap sour-puss over there for practice? I'm your cheering section.
Fred: Angel!
Angel: All that talking really takes it out of you.
Fred: Smell anything?
Angel: Cordelia. Maybe some old incense or candles. Strangely enough—lemons. Lots and lots of lemons.
Fred: I might have gone a little nuts with the floor polish. Wanted the place to look nice for when the landlords start showing it.
Angel: I appreciate you guys looking out for Connor all summer. It's just—he's confused. He needs time. That's all.
Fred: Right. Time, and some corporal punishment with a large heavy mallet. Not that I'm bitter.
Wesley: One of the Eleusian mysteries. A dark demi-goddess of the lost. Only the dead can enter her presence, and those that do, she often traps for eternity.
Angel: Sounds cheery.
Gunn: Yeah, but if it's an auction house, can't we just, you know, E-Bay it? How much is it? (He takes a sip of coffee.)
Angel & Fred: 33 million dollars.
(Gunn chokes on his coffee.)
Gunn: I think my lungs (coughs) have coffee.
Angel: Who are you?
Gwen: Who are you?
Angel: I asked you first.
Gwen: What are you, seven?
Angel: Miss me?
Lilah: Only in the sense of... no.
Lilah: Why should I?
Angel: Because just this once, I’m going to forget the fact that you’re within 50 feet of my son. Just this once.
Fred: So, what was it like?
Gunn: What's what like?
Fred: Being dead. Gone. See anything interesting? White light? Shirley MacLaine?
Angel: So you're a freak. Boo-hoo. So what?
Gwen: Excuse me?
Angel: I think you've already figured out I'm not the poster-boy for normal. Sometimes, you gotta let go.
Angel: You were gonna fry him.
Gwen: Was not.
Angel: Don't fib.
Angel: I know you're there, watching me.
Cordelia: (in higher dimension) Oh my God! Angel, you can hear me? I so love you. You don't know what it's been like…
Fred: We weren't spying...
Cordelia: (in higher dimension) Oh, for crap's sake!
Angel: Wow. This place sure has changed.
Gunn: Get out! You never told me you've been to Vegas before.
Angel: Yeah, a few times. Been a while, though. (points off to the right) Used to be dunes over there.
Gunn: Oh, man, it has been a while. They tore down the Dunes ten years ago.
Angel: (chuckles) Not the casino, I mean actual dunes. Bugsy used to call them bug piles.
Gunn: You... you know who I am, right?
Angel: Gunn.
Gunn: That's right. And I'm your friend.
Angel: I know. I'm not stupid.
Lee: I want answers. (beat) And they better be the right ones, or you're dead.
Angel: Uh, I know this room...
Lee: I'll-I'll start again. How did you win on the slot machine?
Angel: I put a quarter in the slot, and I pulled that little lever.
Angel: Hmm. Lady Luck. I don't know. Just, I don't get why or how I was able to fight when I had no reason to, no destiny.
Lorne: Well, even without a flight plan, bucko, you're still a stealth bomber. You were fighting for your friends' futures. The people you love are part of your destiny. Nobody can take that away, not even you. Well, listen, I got a lot more insightful bon mots like that, but, um, I've been stuck in a car for five and a half hours, and I gotta pee. Excuse me.
Cordelia: Are there other people here?
Angel: No.
Fred: Um, not to sound all "Movie of the Week", but I think you might have some kind of amnesia. Like maybe you fell or banged your head.
Fred: Angel, aren't you curious about why she's back?
Angel: I hadn't even— I was just so happy to see her. Why is she back?
Fred: I don't know. But if Cordy's been where I think she has, anything's possible.
Murray: (on machine) Uh, yeah, this is Murray, down at the spa. Listen, it's after midnight, and uh, you better get down here. That demon broad came back. Looks like she's gonna try and hatch her blood-sucking little…
Fred: (grabs phone) We're here. Uh-huh. OK. We'll be right there.
Cordelia: Did—he say "demon broad"?
Fred: Yeah. His, um, wife. It's an ugly divorce case thing. You know, private eye stuff. (to Angel) I should get Charles and terminate it before the situation multiplies.
Angel: Cordelia, stop. Stop. It's OK. It's OK. He's with us.
Lorne: (stands) Hey, if this was about that missing lingerie, that was for a friend.
Cordelia: Tell me that this is Halloween, and he isn't what I think he is.
Lorne: Trick or treat.
Angel: I know it's a lot to take in.
Cordelia: Says the vampire with a soul and his wacky gang of sidekicks.
Gunn: (raises his hand) Um, not a sidekick.
Fred: If it makes you feel better, I would have chosen you.
Angel: Thanks. But no, it doesn't.
Lorne: Smashing. Listen, I know I've been a wee bit jumpy the last couple of days, but did I hear a scream?
Angel: Oh, it's just Fred. I think it's a Texas thing.
Gunn: You don't wanna go in there. (sighs) Girl kept me up all night. She is un-stoppable.
Angel: More than I need to know.
Fred: (excited) Did Charles tell you?
Angel: He-he didn't describe it...
Fred: I've been asked to present my article at the Physics Institute. P-Dimensional Subspace has always been a fascinating area, but I had no idea there would be so much interest. Can I practice my speech for you? I think Lorne's a little conked.
Fred: She's just trying to put the pieces back together. It'll work out, and it'll all be for the best. It will. Five years of unendurable torture and mental anguish aside, if I hadn't been sucked through that portal, I never would have figured out my string compactification theory.
Gunn: Exactly. 'Cause, you know, strings need... to compactify.
Gunn: All these people here to see you?
Fred: I'm just a minor speaker. Oh, God! I'm between Ed Witten and Brian Greene? (no reaction from Angel or Gunn) Think Nomar Garciaparra and Sammy Sosa.
(Gunn whistles.)
Angel: Fred skipped the minors and went straight to the show.
Prof. Seidel: Winifred's a natural. By the end of the semester, she was taking on W.I.M.P.s.
Gunn: You should see her now, killer left hook.
Fred: W.I.M.P.s are Weakly Interactive Massive Particles.
Thwack Guy: (to Angel) Jeez! He gonna hurt me?
Gunn: Think Daredevil 181. I'm Bullseye, you're Electra. One wins, one dies. Get what I'm saying?
Fred: (stern and calm) It was Professor Seidel.
Gunn: Yeah.
Fred: And he's done it before.
Angel: That's right. There were others.
Fred: No. To me. He's the son of a bitch that sent me to Pylea.
Gunn: What?
Angel: (stands) We're gonna get this guy.
Gunn: Count on it. He's gonna pay.
Fred: No. He's gonna die.
Wesley: Fred, you do know that everything Angel and Gunn have told you is true. Vengeance will have a price. And once you've acted, you can't go back. You have to live with your actions forever.
Fred: He's a serial killer.
Wesley: All right, then.
Gunn: I just don't want no portals opening up around here. I've had enough of that crap.
Fred: Sorry, Lorne. We really have had a lot of that crap.
Lorne: Yeah, well, my parade is rain-proofed, baby doll. My first reading since I got my head drilled, and I find the spell that's gonna bring our little Cordy right back to us. Lo-lath ch-owrng ne bruun.
Fred: Kaya-no-m'tek.
Wesley: Did I miss the spell? Did English go away?
Cordelia: Hi, guys.
Lorne: Oh, hey, Cordy.
Gunn: 'Sup, Cordy?
Cordelia: OK, uh, I gotta go see Angel. (hastily walks out of the lobby toward his room)
Gunn: See, I told you Connor can't be trusted. Look how weird he's made her.
Cordelia: I swear. Like father, like son. The two of you have cornered the market on teenage snits. How 'bout you stop being angry at me…
Angel: (very angry) How about you stop pretending to give a damn about my feelings.
Cordelia: I do give a damn. In fact, I give a whole lot of damn.
Angel: Not much to go on, Cordy.
Cordelia: But it's something. And a vision means the phone lines between us and the Powers That Be are still open. Maybe they'll send us a clue.
Angel: (sarcastically) As if there's somebody up there watching.
Cordelia: I was, (Angel looks at her) but I'm back now. So you're going to have to suck it up and deal because things are going to hell, and—and you're the leader. So lead.
Angel: I’m not having the best week, to be honest.
Gwen: Tell me about it. I mean, really, tell me. Freak to freak. Is the world about to end, or what?
Gwen: Jeez. Where were you when they taught stealth in super powers? (Angel makes it to the bottom of the cliff. Gwen slips and loses her grip, falling into Angel's arms.) I did that on purpose.
Angel: That's pretty pathetic.
Gwen: If it's a lie, or if it's the truth?
Angel: Forget that. We can take you somewhere safe, Manny. We can protect you.
Manny: Right, Super Hunk and Spandexia. This thing takes out Mesektet, and you two are gonna protect me?
Angel: I don't see anybody else lined up for the job.
Fred: But where are we going to hide him? We need a small, controlled space.
Angel: Secure the perimeter. Guards on duty at all times.
Gunn: Kitchen's got a meat locker.
Wesley: Brilliant. Let's store the one thing that'll stave off perpetual darkness in the home of the only people we're sure the demon knows.
Angel: How's Manny?
Gunn: Gave him some magazines about half hour ago to keep him occupied.
Gwen: Swimsuit Edition. (smiles) He's occupied.
Connor: You knew this thing, and you didn't tell us?
Angel: No, I couldn't come up against something like that and not remember.
Gunn: The answer is among you. It's what the little girl meant, isn't it? This was never about Connor, it's about…
Fred: Angelus.
Angel: I don't know what to tell any of you, 'cause I don't know what the plan is.
Wesley: No, but Angelus might. There's only one way we're gonna defeat this Beast. We need Angelus.
Beast: We could rule this world. Why do you oppose me?
Angel: Rain of fire? Blocking out the sun? You’re just kinda pissing me off!
Beast: The boy joins his father in death.
Connor: No. In kicking your stony ass!
Beast: So much arrogance. Just like Angelus.
Connor: His name…is Angel.
(The Beast turns and Angel rams the sword through his brain.)
Angel: Consider your ass kicked!
Cordelia: Must be hard. Seeing everyone so happy because of what you did. Bringing the light back, but not being able to go into it.
Angel: There’s no place I’d rather be…than here with you.
Lilah: He’s going to kill us.
Cordelia: I know. (She slams a dagger into Lilah’s neck, killing her.) Why do you think I let him out? You stupid bitch.
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