Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
Transcribed by: Sonja
(San Dimas, California - 2688 )
Rufus: Hi. Welcome to the future. San Dimas, California, 2688 and I'm telling you it's great here. The air is clean. The water's clean. Even the dirt is clean. Bowling scores are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down. And we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you this place is great. But it almost wasn't. 700 years ago, the two great ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two on the correct path the basis of our society will be in danger. Don't worry, it'll all make sense.
(San Dimas, California - 1988)
(Bill's Garage)
(Bill and Ted are playing their instruments in Bill's garage. Ted is video-taping.)
Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.
Ted: And I'm Ted "Theo…(he realizes he's still behind the camera) Oh! Bill, here take it.
Bill: Okay. (he takes the camera and begins filming Ted.)
Ted: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.
Bill: Yeah! (he sets down the camera and faces it so that it's taping both of them.)
Both: And we're Wyld Stallyns.
(They both play their guitars, and they are very bad. They end up blowing out a speaker and they open up the garage door to air out the garage.)
Bill: Oh, Dude! Let's bail. We blew it. I guess we used too much power. Ted, while I agree that in time our band will be most triumphant, the truth is Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted: Yes Bill, but I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
Ted: Well how can we have decent instruments when we really don't even know how to play.
Bill: That is why we need Eddie Van Halen.
Ted: And that is why we need a triumphant video.
(Pause)
Both: Excellent. (Air Guitar.)
(At that moment that alarm clock goes off.)
Bill: Uh-oh. We're late.
Ted: For what?
Bill: For school, dude.
Ted: Oh yeah.
(School - History Class)
Mr. Ryan: Bill, I'm waiting.
Bill: (thinking) He's dead?
Mr. Ryan: So Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short, dead dude.
Bill: Well yeah.
Ted: (quietly to Bill) You totally blew it, dude.
Mr. Ryan: Ted, stand up.
Ted: Stand up?
Mr. Ryan: Yes son, stand up. (Ted does so) Now, who was Joan of Arc?
Ted: (thinks) Noah's wife?
(The bell rings for the end of class.)
Mr. Ryan: Listen guys, don't forget, tomorrow. Final Reports, 1:30-3:30, okay? (to Bill & Ted as they leave) Hey guys.
Bill: Mr. Ryan, before you say anything, my distinguished colleague Ted and I wish to express to you our thanks for all the things we have learned in your class.
Mr. Ryan: And what have you learned?
Bill: We have, uh…we've learned that the world has a great history.
Ted: Yes, and that thanks to leaders such as Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method, the world is full of history.
Mr. Ryan: It seems to me that the only thing you have learned is that Caesar was a salad dressing dude. Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple. You have flunked every section of this class. Now unless you get an A+ on your final oral report tomorrow, guys, I have no choice but to flunk the both of you. Now you know your topics so I would at least suggest that you cover those areas. (motions to a paper that Bill is holding) Do you understand?
Both: Yes sir. (they turn to leave.)
Mr. Ryan: Guys. (they turn back to him) Your report had better be something very special.
(Outside the School)
(Bill and Ted are walking. Ted is carrying a huge pile of books.)
Ted: Bill, what are we supposed to know for our report?
Bill: I'm not sure. One thing I know is that Joan of Arc is not Noah's wife.
Ted: Well then who is Noah's wife?
Bill: I dunno, Ted. But I do know that we're in serious trouble. Listen to this. (reads from the paper) Express to the class how an important historical figure from each of your time periods would view the world of San Dimas, 1988. We're in danger of flunking most heanously tomorrow, Ted.
(Missy drives up in her flashy red car.)
Missy: Hi, Bill. Wanna a ride?
Bill: Sure Missy. (she frowns at him) I mean, Mom. (she smiles)
Ted: (quietly to Bill) You're step-mom's cute.
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
Ted: (quietly to Bill) Remember when she was a Senior and we were Freshman?
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
(Ted's House – Outside)
(Missy drives up with the boys seated in the backseat.)
Ted: I'll be right back, as soon as I get my books.
(Ted hops out of the car and runs inside. Bill grabs a bag of chips from one of the grocery bags in the front seat and opens it and starts munching.)
(Inside)
(Ted's dad is in the living room looking for his car keys. Ted comes in quietly and tries to sneak to his room, but his dad spots him.)
Captain Logan: Ted.
Ted: What are you doing home, dad?
Captain Logan: I'm looking for my keys.
Ted: Oh?
Captain Logan: You haven't done anything with them, have you?
Ted: No, sir.
Captain Logan: I spoke with your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing History.
Ted: Me and Bill…
Captain Logan: He also said that if you fail History you flunk out of school, and you know what that would mean Ted?
Ted: That I would have to go to Oats Military Academy, sir.
Captain Logan: Uh-huh. I spoke to Col. Oats this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted.
(Outside)
(Ted comes out the front door a few minutes later with his books and hops back into the car.)
Ted: (to Bill) Dude, we gotta pass. Otherwise there's no more band.
Bill: Why?
Ted: My dad's sending me to Military School.
Bill: Where?
Ted: Alaska.
(San Dimas - 2688)
(Three Great Leaders sit on a throne.)
Head Leader: It is time. Their separation is imminent.
(Rufus nods. The Leader opens his hand and a ball of light comes out. It forms this piece of metal into a 1988 telephone booth.)
Rufus: Be excellent to each other.
Head Leader: Party on, dude!
(Rufus steps into the booth, dials the phone, and takes off for the past.)
(1988-Bill's Room)
Bill: Okay Ted. George Washington. One - the father of our country.
Ted: Two - born on President's Day.
Bill: Three - the dollar bill guy.
Ted: Bill, you ever made a mushroom out of his head?
Bill: Ted, Alaska…
(Ted settles down.)
Ted: Okay. Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.
Bill: That's Captain Ahab, dude.
Ted: Oh wait. Remember Disney World, The Hall of Presidents.
Bill: Yeah, good, what'd he say?
Ted: "Welcome to the Hall of Presidents."
(Missy knocks on the door and then comes in.)
Missy: Hi, I brought you guys some food.
(Bill looks at her in lust.)
Ted: (to Bill) It's you're mom, dude!
(Bill's dad walks in.)
Mr. Preston: How's it going guys?
Both: Bad!
Bill: We are destined to flunk most egregiously tomorrow.
Ted: And I am destined to end up at Oats Military Academy.
Bill: And then we'll never start our band.
(Mr. Preston is watching Missy as she plays with his beard.)
Mr. Preston: Good. Good.
Missy: What are you guys studying anyway?
Ted: History.
Missy: Mr. Ryan?
Ted: Uh-huh.
Missy: Tell him, 'Hi'.
Mr. Preston: Why don't you guys take a dinner break. (he gives them some money)
Bill: Thanks, dad.
(They grab their stuff and go out into the hallway. They turn back, but Mr. Preston closes the bedroom door.)
(Hallway)
Ted: Now you're dad's going for it. In your own room.
Bill: Shut up Ted.
Ted: Your step-mom is cute though.
Bill: Shut up Ted.
Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom?
Bill: Shut up Ted!!
(Circle K)
(Bill is sitting on the curb. Ted is walking back up to him, muttering under his breath.)
Ted: 1275…1275…(sits down) Okay the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
Bill: So it's not just a water sport, I knew it.
Ted: (spots a lady going into the store) Excuse me, when did the Mongols rule China?
Cashier: I don't know. I just work here. (leaves)
Ted: Wanna try the Thrifty Mart.
Bill: Sure.
(They pack up their stuff and get ready to leave, but the wind picks up and it looks like a storm's building. They look up and suddenly a phone booth comes right out of the sky and lands in front of them.)
Both: Whoa! Not bad.
(The booth's door opens and Rufus walks out.)
Rufus: Greetings, my excellent friends.
Ted: Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?
Rufus: Well, perhaps we could ask them. Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Logan. Gentlemen, I'm here to help you with your History report.
Ted: What?
Bill: How?
(Suddenly another phone booth drops from the sky. They turn and look at it.)
Ted: Bill?
Bill: What?
Ted: Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.
(The doors to the second booth open and another Bill and Ted come out. For our purposes here this new Bill and Ted will be Bill2 and Ted2.)
Bill2: Dudes, you guys are gonna go back in time.
Ted2: Yeah! You are gonna have a most excellent adventure through History.
Bill: Who are you guys?
Ted2: We're you, dude.
Ted: No way. No way!
Ted2: Yes way, Ted!
Bill2: Look, we know how you feel. We didn't believe it either when we were you and we us said what we us are saying right now.
Ted: Okay wait, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Bill2 & Ted2: 69, dudes!
Bill & Ted: Whoa!
(All four of them play the air guitar.)
Bill2: Look, we've gotta go.
Ted2: Yeah, we gotta get back to the report. (they turn to leave and spot Rufus) Rufus!
Bill2: Listen to this dude, Rufus. He knows what he's talking about.
Ted2: Right! And Ted, give my love to the Princesses.
Ted: Who?
Ted2: You'll see.
Rufus: Gentleman…is everything all right?
(They turn and walk back to the booth.)
Ted2: Ted, don't forget to wide your watch!
(Ted nods his head and looks down at his watch.)
Bill2 & Ted2: Thanks Rufus.
(They get back into the booth.)
Bill2 & Ted2: Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.
(They close the door and take off. Rufus turns back to Bill and Ted and motions for them to enter his booth. Ted holds up a finger for him to wait a moment and he turns to Bill.)
Ted: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?
Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides we told ourselves to listen to this guy.
Ted: What if we were lying?
Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?
(Ted nods and they walk over to the booth.)
Ted: (to Rufus) How are you gonna help us?
Bill: Yeah, are you gonna call someone and get the answers?
Rufus: Gentlemen, we're gonna do a lot more than that. (he dials the phone.)
Both: Whoa, excellent.
(Rufus then hangs up the phone and puts on his sunglasses.)
Rufus: Brace yourselves amigos. Gentlemen, we're history.
(The booth takes off.)
(Circuits of History)
Ted: Rufus, where are we, dude?
Rufus: These are the Circuits of History, gentlemen. They'll take us to any point in time we wish.
Bill: How?
Rufus: Modern technology, William.
Both: Whoa.
(Austria, 1805)
(The booth shoots out of the Circuits of History and lands in Austria.)
Bill: That was most unprecedented Rufus.
Ted: Where are we, Rufus.
Rufus: Austria, 1805, the French have just invaded. (he points)
(The guys go over and look at the battle raging on the field below them.)
Ted: Bill, check it out! We're in the middle of a war, dude!
(French Base Camp)
(Napoleon comes out of his tent and his Generals show him Bill and Ted.)
(The Booth)
Rufus: Amigos, time to depart.
(Bill and Ted get into the booth. Ted waves.)
(French Base Camp)
(Napoleon looks at the booth through a telescope.)
Bill and Ted: How's it going dude?
Napoleon: (in French) Blow them up! Move it!
(He takes a step but an incoming cannon ball explodes near him and he's thrown into the Circuits of Time behind the booth.)
(San Dimas - Ted's House)
Ted: Now where are we, dude? (looks around) Oh, it's my house.
(Napoleon now dangles from the tree, none of them see him.)
Bill: Rufus, can we go anywhere we want? In any time?
Rufus: Gentlemen, you can do anything you want, as long as you remember this, no matter what happens, you must get to that report. Got it? All right amigos, (points) that book will tell you the number of any place you want to go. Now, most important, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, that clock (points to Ted's watch), the clock in San Dimas is always running. Got it? (they nod) All right, time for me to go.
Bill: What do you mean, Rufus?
Ted: Yeah, aren't you coming with us?
Rufus: Gentlemen, you're on your own.
(He gets back in the booth and takes off. Immediately it is replaced by another booth.)
Bill: Ted, this has been a most unusual day.
(Napoleon falls out of the tree. They go over and look at him.)
Bill: Ted, it's Napoleon.
Ted: Who?
Bill: The short, dead dude from our History revue. Ted, I have a most excellent idea. Grabs his legs, let's get him inside. I think I've figured out a way to pass our report.
Ted: How?
Bill: Well we've got one historical figure here. Maybe we can go back and get some more.
Ted: Yeah!
(Ted's Room)
(Napoleon is now lying on the bed. Ted's little brother Deacon is there too.)
Ted: Deacon, you have to watch this guy. His name is Napoleon. He's a very famous French dude.
Bill: We have decided to collect other important figures in History for an oral report we are doing. While we are gone you are not to let him out of your sight.
Ted: Here is some money. Take him to the movies or something.
(Napoleon opens his eyes and looks around.)
Bill: Uh, Napoleon, I am Bill. We'll take you back to France after you tell us what you think of San Dimas. (points) This is Ted's little brother, Deacon.
Deacon: Hi.
Bill: He'll take care of you. Ready Ted?
Ted: Ready Bill.
Bill: Let's go back into history.
(Air guitar)
(Living Room)
(They almost make it out the door, but Ted's father catches them.)
Bill: This should be most triumphant.
Captain Logan: (to Ted) I want to speak with you son. (pause) Alone, please Bill. (Bill goes to wait outside.) All right, sit down. What am I gonna do with you, huh?
(Outside)
(Bill sees through the window that Ted is getting another lecture.)
Bill: Great.
(Inside)
Captain Logan: You lose my keys. You fail History. You spend all your time with your loser friend planning a band that'll never happen. Now you're not to leave this house again until tomorrow morning. (phone rings) Yes?
Bill: (on phone, with a disguised voice) Captain Logan? This is Deputy Van Halen down at the station.
Captain Logan: Deputy Van Halen?
(Ted looks up at this, then he looks out the window and sees Bill on the phone in the booth. They both air guitar.)
Bill: I'm new dude, uh, sir. Look, we found your keys, and if you want 'em you better come and get 'em. (hangs up)
Captain Logan: When I get back from the station I want you packed and ready to go. Got it?
(Ted nods, then as soon as his dad is gone from the room he hurries outside.)
(Outside)
Ted: We are in serious trouble. My dad already signed me up, my plane leaves tomorrow night.
Bill: Only if we fail, dude.
(They both turn to look at the booth.)
Both: No way!
(They go over to the booth and Bill opens the phone book.)
Ted: (looking at a paper) Okay, we got Sigmund Freud, Beethoven…
Bill: Uh, is there one for Western Movement in America in the 19th Century?
Ted: Yeah.
Bill: (picks up the phone) Well then, let's reach out and touch someone. (dials as Ted closes the door to the booth.)
(The booth takes off just as Captain Logan comes out the front door. He looks around, but doesn't see anything.)
(New Mexico, 1879)
(A cowboy goes into an outhouse to do his business. All of a sudden the ground shakes a little and the booth drops down right next to the outhouse. The guy stumbles out, pulling up his pants, as Bill and Ted walk out of the booth and head into town.)
Ted: How's it going, Old West Dude?
(The guy stumbles away without answering.)
Ted: Hey, Bill, this is just like Frontier Land.
Bill: Yeah, but you can get shot here, Ted. Just try to act natural.
Ted: (to man) Howdy partner.
Man: Howdy.
Bill: Oh, watch out for the horse crap, Ted.
Ted: Oh, thanks dude. Hey, Bill, I'm totally thirsty.
Bill: Me too.
(They enter the saloon and walk over to the bar.)
Bill: (slaps down some money) Two beers please.
(The bartender doesn't say anything, just hands them the beers.)
Ted: Whoa, he didn't even card us, dude!
Bill: Yeah, we're gonna have to remember this place. So, who should we take with us?
(A young man enters and fires his gun in the air, then places it back in the holster.)
Bill: Who's he?
Bartender: He's Billy the Kid.
Ted: He's famous, dude.
Bill: Let's bag him.
Billy: I need two men. Who's with me?
(All the other patrons look down at their cards or into their beers.)
Ted: We're with you Billy the Kid.
(Billy walks over to them.)
Billy: Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep.
Both: Sounds good Mr. The Kid.
(He gives them an odd look.)
(Later)
(They are now seated around a poker table with some other men. Billy is dealing. Every time Ted gets a card he smiles. Bill is more subdued. Bill is also smoking a cigar.)
Bill: (to Ted) Dude, you gotta have a poker face, like me.
(Ted looks at Bill's face and loses his smile. Bill looks down at his cards and grins.)
Bill: Whoa! Three aces! (holds them up)
Man: What the hell's going on here, Billy?
Man2: Are you cheating us, Kid?
Billy: Cheatin'? Me? No!
(He tosses the table aside and a fight breaks out. Through most of it Bill and Ted remain seated as the fight circles around them. Everyone in the bar is involved. Suddenly Bill and Ted realize that they are surrounded and get up out of their seats.)
Bill: Look, we're totally weak. We can't possibly fight you.
Ted: However, how would you gentlemen like free passes to Waterloo. Home of excellent water slides.
(The guys just look at them.)
Bill: Nice try, dude.
(They are each picked up and thrown down the bar, where they crash through the walls. The wall happens to lead to the saloon girls dressing room. They wave at the boys. Billy helps them get their heads out of the wall. They turn around and three men are approaching them.)
Ted: Look! (points) It's the Goodyear Blimp.
(The men turn to look, and our guys jump them and shove their hands down on their heads. One of the guys guns goes off and it hits him in the foot. Our guys run out of the bar.)
Bill: I can't believe they fell for that!
(They quickly run over to the booth. Bill opens the phone book and looks for a number.)
Men in the bar: Let's get 'em!!
(At The Booth)
(Bill is dialing.)
Billy: You guys saved my life.
Ted: Nothing doing Billy the Kid.
Billy: Where we going?
Ted: The Golden Age of Civilization.
Billy: Where?
Bill: Ancient Greece, dude.
Ted: Don't worry, we'll bring you back as soon as you talk in our report.
(The men from the bar have run outside and are running towards the booth.)
Billy: What?!
(The booth disappears.)
(The men all look around, dumbfounded. Then slowly make their way back towards the saloon.)
(Athens, Greece, 410 BC)
(Billy is sitting by the booth playing with a Nerf ball. Bill and Ted go over to where an older man is giving a speech. They watch him from a distance.)
Bill: Socrates. Hey, we know that name.
Ted: Yeah. Hey, look him up. (Bill takes out a book) Oh, it's under So-crates.
Bill: Oh yeah. So-crates: The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing.
Ted: (thinks) That's us, dude!
Bill: Oh yeah. Let's bag him.
(They walk over to where Socrates is giving his lesson.)
Socrates: (in Greek) So you see, our lives are but specks of dust falling through the fingers of time.
(Bill and Ted walk up and Socrates stops talking to look at them.)
Bill: How's it going? I'm Bill, this is Ted. We're from the future.
Socrates: Socrates…hmmm.
Ted: Now what?
Bill: I dunno, philosophize with him.
Ted: All we are is dust in the wind, dude.
(Socrates obviously doesn't understand.
Bill: (picks up some dirt out of a pan) Dust. (makes a motion with his hand to mean wind) Wind.
Ted: (points at Socrates) Dude.
Socrates: (in Greek) Yes, like sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. (laughs)
Bill: Let's get out of here, dude.
(They walk off with Socrates laughing.)
(Medieval England)
(The booth sets down in a wooded area just outside of a castle. Socrates is obviously shocked at what has just happened.)
Bill: All right!
Billy: Not bad, eh Socrates? Where are we dudes?
Bill: England, 15th Century.
Ted: We are in most excellent shape for our report.
Bill: Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from Medieval.
Billy: Excellent.
Bill: Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease. (to peasant) Excuse me. Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here?
(The peasant points behind them, and they turn to look at the castle.)
All: Whoa!
Ted: Check it out.
Bill: It must be the castle of King Henry. Let's go, dude!
Ted: Billy, watch the booth. And keep an eye on Socrates.
(They walk off and Socrates moves to follow them.)
Billy: Socrates.
(Socrates turns back and Billy holds out the Nerf ball.)
Bill: So, who should be get from Medieval? How about that knarly old goat dude? Ted?
(Ted's looking up at the castle)
Ted: I'm in love, dude.
(Bill looks up too and sees the Princesses.)
Bill: Whoa. Those must be the Princesses you told yourself about at the Circle K. (sighs) We gotta go, it's a history report, not a babe report.
Ted: But Bill, those are historical babes.
Bill: Okay, you're the ladies man, how we gonna meet 'em?
(Castle Hallway)
(Two guards march by a row of gleaming suits of armor. When they're gone, two of the suits move and turn to watch them leave. Apparently Bill and Ted are inside the suits of armor.)
Ted: Excellent. Bill?
Bill: What?
Ted: These are heavy.
Bill: Yeah, heavy metal. (Air guitar.) Whoa, we gotta go find the princesses.
Ted: Yeah.
Bill: Watch it!
(They keep running into each other.)
Bill: Who turned out all the lights?
Ted: Hey, Bill?
Bill: What?
Ted: I'm Darth Ted. (hits him on the head with a sword)
Bill: Yeah, well I'm Luke Bill. And you're not my father. (They begin to sword fight - sort of.) Come on!
Ted: Hey! I totally conquered you, dude!
Bill: No way! Come on! I'll never rule the Universe with you.
Ted: Hey Bill… you totally know how to sword fight.
(Bill rushes him, and accidentally knocks Ted down a flight of stairs into the kitchen. Bill rushes down the stairs and looks as two guards look down at Ted who's on the floor. One of the guards thrusts his sword into Ted's chest.)
Bill: (quietly) Ted.
Guard: Search the castle, their might be more of them.
(Bill quickly hides as a guard comes up the stairwell. When the guard is gone he goes down into the kitchen.)
(Kitchen)
(Bill looks down at Ted's body.)
Bill: (to kitchen wenches) Get outta here! (they leave) Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant. Oh, Ted, don't be dead, dude. (the guard that killed Ted enters the kitchen again) (yelling) You killed Ted you medieval dickweed! Ahhh!
(Bill lunges at the guard and they fight. Bill gets knocked to the ground, but before the guard can kill him he's hit in the head by…Ted! The guard falls to the ground unconscious. Ted helps Bill up.)
Bill: Whoa! Ted, you're alive!
Ted: Yeah! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor.
(They hug, then quickly pull back.)
Both: Fag!
(They grin at each other.)
Bill: Dude, you totally boned that dude in the head.
Ted: Yeah! He's a total bonehead.
(The Gardens)
(The Princesses are walking in the garden trying to figure out how to escape their upcoming marriages. Bill and Ted walk up.)
Elisabeth: Boys. I can't believe they're here.
Both: How's it going ladies?
Elisabeth: You're the ones we saw in front of the castle.
Ted: I am Ted of San Dimas and I bring to you a message of love.
(The girls laugh prettily.)
Elisabeth: From who?
Ted: From…from myself.
Elisabeth: And what is this message you speak of?
Ted: Uh…
Bill: Lyrics, dude. Recite 'em some lyrics.
Ted: Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time…Will you go to the Prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time.
(The girls giggle again.)
Bill: Way to go, dude.
(The King is coming down some steps with two ugly old men behind him. They are looking for the girls, but don't see them.)
King: Flora. Elisabeth.
Elisabeth: It's father!
(They run out of the gardens.)
(Bedroom)
Bill: What does your father want?
Flora: We're to be married to horrible old men today.
Ted: No way!
Elisabeth: Will you help us escape?
Bill and Ted: Of course, babes.
(They open up the bedroom doors to reveal the King.)
Bill: How's it going royal ugly dudes? (pause) I am the Earl of Preston.
Ted: And I am the Duke of Ted.
(The King walks slowly into the room.)
King: Put them in the Iron Maiden.
(The girls are shocked.)
Bill and Ted: Iron Maiden? Excellent.
King: Execute them!
Elisabeth: Oh no!
Bill and Ted: Bogus.
(Bill and Ted are dragged out of the room.)
Ted: We'll save you babes!
(The girls smile hopefully as the doors are shut behind them.)
(Courtyard)
(Bill and Ted are now both tied down with their heads near chopping blocks. Two masked men sharpen their blades. The king and his daughters watch all of this from the royal box facing the Courtyard. The peasant from earlier is now riding around on a wagon that holds the booth.)
Peasant: Witches. Heretics! I saw them! They fell from the sky! Heretics! They fell out of the sky! They had fire in their eyes, and they had horns!
King: Off with their heads!
Ted: Bill.
Bill: What?
Ted: I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn.
(The hooded men raise their axes in unison, and swing down. They cut the ropes that bind Bill and Ted.)
Bill and Ted: Huh?
(The hooded men free Bill and Ted, then take off their hoods.)
Bill: Billy!
Ted: Socrates!
King: Guards! Stop them!
Bill: Catch you later, evil dudes.
King: Catch them!
(Our guys climb onto the wagon where the booth is and take off. They are followed out of the city by the guards.)
(The Forest)
(Billy pulls the horses to a halt. They all climb into the booth as Bill tries to find a working number.)
Ted: Dial fast, dude!
Operator: I'm sorry, the number you've dialed is not in service at this time. Please check your directory and dial again.
Bill: Oh no.
Operator: Party on, dude!
(Bill begins dialing again as the guard closes in.)
Ted: Bill!
Bill: (hangs up the phone) Okay, I got one, let's go!
(They close the booth door as the guard arrives and begins to swing his weapon. When the weapon would have connected with the booth and smashed it, the booth disappears.)
(San Dimas - 2688)
(The Head Leader and the other two leaders look up as the booth arrives. Bill and Ted exit the booth. There is music playing in the background.)
Bill: (to Billy and Socrates) You guys stay here.
Ted: Where are we, dude?
Bill: I don't know. They sure do play excellent music.
Ted: Most outstanding.
(They walk around to the other side of the booth and see the leaders. The leaders take off their sunglasses.)
Head Leader: It's you.
Ted: Yeah! It's us! (to Bill) Who are we?
(Bill shrugs. The leaders make a slow air guitar motion with their hands. Bill and Ted do it back to them. Suddenly several people enter the room, all dressed in futuristic clothing. As the crescendo rises in the music all of the people around the room make the air guitar motion. Bill and Ted look around in awe. The people then lower their arms and the Head Leader motions for them to speak.)
Ted: I think they want us to say something.
Bill: What should I say?
Ted: Make something up.
Bill: (things) Be excellent to each other.
Ted: (shrugs) Party on, dudes!
(Everyone smiles and laughs at this. Bill and Ted begin heading back to the booth.)
Bill: Well, we gotta get back to our report.
Ted: Yeah, (to leader) we'd take you with us. But it's a history report, not a future report.
(He smiles and nods.)
Bill: Later.
Everyone: Later.
(They climb back into the booth.)
Ted: Come on, let's get back and do our report.
Bill: Yeah.
(Bill dials and the booth disappears.)
(Circuits of History)
Ted: Dude, where're we going?
Bill: I don't know. I think the booth's broke. We gotta keep going to San Dimas until we get back and get Napoleon.
(San Dimas - Ziggy Piggy)
(Deacon has taken Napoleon to an ice cream shop. He's brought friends of his, two red-headed twins. Two Ziggy Piggy employees come over. They set down a huge bowl of ice cream.)
ZP Employee: Behold. Behold, the Ziggy Pig. The single greatest ice cream spectacle known to man.
ZP Employees: Eat the pig. Eat the pig. Ziggy ziggy ziggy zig.
(They leave.)
Napoleon: Un barton.
Deacon: It's ice cream. You eat it.
(Napoleon tastes it.)
Napoleon: Le glace?
Deacon: Whatever, just eat it.
(They all dig in.)
(Later, the bowl is almost empty except for some melted ice cream on the bottom. Napoleon cuts off one of the girls spoon so he can have the rest himself and he burps. The ZP Employees come back over.)
ZP Employee: All behold, he ate the pig. Thus proving that he's a Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy.
(They pick up the bowl and make pig snorting noises as they walk away. Napoleon uses his finger to pick up some remaining ice cream that was on the table. He licks his finger while Deacon and the girls look on in disgust.)
(Circuits of History)
Ted: What's that?
Bill: I don't know.
Both: Shit!!!!
(They begin to yell in fear, but the fear turns into excitement. It's like their on a roller coaster ride.)
(Vienna)
(A bearded man in a nice suit is walking down the street when the booth lands in front of him.)
Ted: Where'd we land now?
Bill: (sees the man) Dude, it's Sigmund Freud. How much time have we got left.
Ted: (checks his watch) Tons! Why?
Bill: Extra credit, dude!
Ted: (steps out of the booth) How's it going, Freud dude?
Sigmund: (in Austrian) Am I dreaming?
(Ted steps aside and Billy ropes Sigmund.)
Sigmund: Ah, ah desist. Let go of me. What are you doing?
(He's shoved into the booth, and it takes off again.)
(Austria)
(Beethoven is playing the piano for a gathering of people. The booth arrives in an outer room. Bill and Ted walk in and lift Beethoven up, piano chair and all, and haul him out of the room. The booth takes off again.)
(Orleans, France)
(Joan of Arc is in a chapel. She takes off her head guard and lays it by her helmet. She then kneels with her sword in front of her by the alter. She prays. Suddenly the booth appears on the alter. She looks up in awe. The doors open and Ted sees her. He holds out his hand, and she takes it. She enters the booth.)
Ted: Welcome aboard Ms. Joan of Arc. I'm Ted, and this is Bill.
(The booth takes off again.)
(Mongolia)
(Genghis Khan is eating his dinner. A slave girl comes in and begins to feed him. He stops and spits out the food, then grabs her and proceeds to begin to ravish her. Suddenly with a flash of light the booth arrives. Ted holds out a Twinkie. Genghis grabs his club and goes after the Twinkie.)
Ted: Would you like a Twinkie, Genghis Khan? Say please. Mmmmm.
(He enters the booth and it takes off again.)
(The White House)
(Lincoln is in the oval office. There is a knock at the door.)
Man: Candygram.
(Lincoln goes over to the door to answer it. He opens the door and Genghis grabs him and shoves him into the booth. The booth takes off again.)
(The Circuits of History)
Ted: We've got plenty of time, but we don't have any more room left.
Bill: Ted, we're outta control.
Ted: What?
Bill: The next place we stop we gotta try and figure out what's wrong with the booth.
(Ted happens to turn around and look at the antenna.)
Ted: Bill, I think I got an idea what's wrong.
Bill: What?
Ted: The antenna's broken.
(They begin to scream.)
(San Dimas - Bowling Alley)
(Deacon has now taken Napoleon bowling. Deacon bowls a strike but Napoleon marks down that he only hit one pin. Napoleon goes and picks up his ball. He shhs the man next to them and bowls. His motion with the ball throws him to the floor and it's a gutter ball.)
Napoleon: (in French) Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Deacon: (to girls) Come on, let's ditch him.
(Deacon and the girls quickly get up and leave him. Napoleon looks up and sees them leaving and tries to follow them. But the owner of the bowling alley gets in his way.)
Napoleon: Excuse moi, mister.
Owner: No, no, not so fast there buddy.
Napoleon: Buddy?
Owner: You ain't paid yet.
Napoleon: Pay?
Owner: Pay?
(A few moments later the owner tosses Napoleon out into the street.)
Owner: I don't want to see you around here anymore. Beat it.
Napoleon: (french)
Owner: Beat it, buddy!
Napoleon: Idiot!
(Napoleon picks himself up and walks off by himself.)
(Prehistoric San Dimas)
(Bill is trying to fix the antenna)
Ted: (to others as he passes out pudding cups) Here is a treat to make a minor prehistoric pit stop a bit more enjoyable.
Lincoln: Thank you.
(Bill sits on top of the booth, as he tries to fix the antenna he accidentally brakes it.)
Bill: Uh-oh.
(Later everyone is chewing gum. There is a ball of gum being passed down the line, as it reaches each person they take their gum and add it to the ball. Ted is the last to get it. He adds his gum, then hands the ball up to Bill.)
Bill: Thanks guys. I sure hope this works.
(A few moments later they are all piled into the booth with their fingers crossed.)
Ted: I think it's working dude.
(The booth takes off.)
(San Dimas - Last Night)
(The booth lands at the Circle K. Our Bill and Ted are now looking at the old Bill and Ted.)
Ted: Hey! That's us. We're back in San Dimas.
Bill: Yeah, only now it's not now. It's last night.
Ted: Dude.
Bill: What?
Ted: Let's go talk to ourselves.
Bill: Excellent.
Ted: What'll we say anyway?
Bill: I dunno…let's go find out.
(Flash Forward)
(The other Bill and Ted are now Bill2 and Ted2. Our Bill and Ted are just Bill and Ted.)
Bill & Ted: 69, dudes!
Bill2 & Ted2: Whoa!
Bill: Look dudes, we gotta go.
Ted: (spots Rufus) Rufus!
Bill: Listen to this dude Rufus, he knows what he's talking about.
Ted: Right. Oh, and Ted, give my love to the Princesses.
Ted2: Who?
Ted: You'll see.
Rufus: Gentlemen, is everything all right?
Bill: Yeah, except how come the number for San Dimas brought us here instead of to tomorrow, Rufus.
Rufus: Because in San Dimas it is tomorrow, William. You have to dial one number higher.
Bill: Oh yeah, thanks Rufus.
Rufus: And you better hurry, because you don't have much time left.
Ted: What do you mean, Rufus? We got ten hours left.
Rufus: Uh-uh, you got 2 hours left.
Bill: Ted you forgot to wind your watch again. Even after you reminded yourself not to.
Ted: Well I better remind myself again. (to Ted2) Ted, don't forget to wind your watch! (Ted2 nods)
Bill & Ted: Thanks Rufus. (they open the booth door, to Bill2 & Ted2) Catch ya later Bill and Ted.
(They get into the booth.)
Ted: That conversation made more sense this time.
Bill: Ted, you're too tall, dude.
(Bill finally makes it to the phone and dials. The booth takes off.)
(San Dimas - Present Day)
(The booth lands in Bill's back yard while Missy is watering. The booth has landed on top of the water hose so the water's slowed to a trickle, Missy turns around to see what's going on and sees the booth.)
Billy: Whoa! Who's the Senorita? She's cute.
Ted: It's his mom, dude.
Billy: Oh.
(They open the doors and step out.)
Missy: Hi guys.
Bill: Hi Missy…I mean Mom.
Ted: Uh, Mrs. Preston we'd like you to meet some of our friends.
(As each of the guys/girl gets out of the booth they shake hands with Missy.)
Bill: Yeah, this is uh Dave Beethoven, and Maxine of Arc, Herman the Kid.
Ted: Bob Genghis Khan, Socrates Johnson, Dennis Freud and, uh, Abraham Lincoln.
Missy: Well it's nice to meet all of you. There are soda's in the fridge.
Bill: Mom, can you give us a ride someplace.
Missy: Bill, I'm not taking you anywhere until you do your chores.
(Montage of all the guys doing housework. Freud is vacuuming, Genghis is doing the toilets, Joan and Billy are doing the dishes, Beethoven is washing the windows.)
(Later)
All: Done!
(The Mall)
(They are all going up the escalator.)
Bill: This is the San Dimas mall. And this is where people of today's world hang out. All right everybody, watch your step getting off. Beethoven make sure you don't get sucked under. Everybody get together. Make sure you remember who your buddy is. Socrates, watch out for your robe, dude. Okay, follow me. You've got your Broadway down here, and your Sears over here…
(School - Auditorium)
(A girl is giving her report)
Girl: …is much like Marie Antoinette's. The few posses much, while the masses posses little but their television sets. This dicotamy led to a revolution in which Antoinette and her husband were be-headed. Today, leaders are appeased rather than be-headed. Still, while in her day Marie Antoinette said 'Let them eat cake', perhaps today she'd say, 'Let them eat fast food'.
(Audience claps.)
(Mall - Food Court)
(Bill sets down a tray of different flavored slushie drinks.)
Ted: Enjoy!
Bill: Okay, look around, see what you think. We'll be back as soon as we find Napoleon. (to Ted) Come on, dude, we don't got much time.
Lincoln: Yes, but what do we…
(Baseball Field)
(Deacon is obviously at a game.)
Bill: You ditched Napoleon?!
Ted: Deacon, do you realize you've stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas?
Deacon: He was a dick.
Ted: Well, how're we gonna find him.
Bill: Okay, wait, if we were one of Europe's greatest leaders, and we were stranded in San Dimas for one day, where would we go?
(Pause)
Both: Waterloo!
(Waterloo)
Woman: (at gate) Eleven children please.
(All the kids begin going in, Napoleon goes in right along with them.)
Napoleon: Mon dieu!
(Later Napoleon is at the top of a very high water slide. He's never seen anything like this before. It's now his turn, he's a little leery.)
Lifeguard: Hey buddy, you're holding up the line!
(He takes a step in.)
Lifeguard: Come on, buddy.
(He gently pushes Napoleon and he falls and begins his trip down the slide. He's screaming at first, but by the time he hits the water at the bottom he's having a great time.)
(Now Napoleon knows what the park is all about so he repeatedly goes up to the top of this slide. On the final time when he gets out of the pool Bill and Ted are there to great him. They wrap him up in a towel.)
Napoleon: C'est fantastic.
Bill: Come on, Napoleon. Everybody's waiting for us.
Napoleon: No, no, no…
Bill & Ted: Yes, yes, yes…
(Mall - Food Court)
(The table where our historical figures sat is now empty, as are the drink containers. They've spread out all over the mall.)
(Gym)
(Joan has stumbled across a gym in the middle of the mall. She looks around in wonder.)
Woman: Why be soft and flabby when you can be firm and trim. When you can have a body that cries out, 'look at me, admire me'.
Instructor: Come on! Let's go ladies!
(They begin an aerobics class. Joan watches, fascinated.)
(Music Store)
(Beethoven is examining a keyboard synthesizer.)
Salesman: You a musician? (Beethoven looks at him.) Well here, try this. (He hits a button and music comes right out of the keyboard.)
(Beethoven laughs in delight.)
(Food Court)
(Billy and Socrates are watching two pretty girls who are watching them.)
Girl1: He's so cute.
Girl2: Look at his sandals.
(Billy and Socrates walk over to them.)
Billy: Hi. I'm Billy, this here is So-crates.
Socrates: Socrates.
Billy: We're from history. (holds up a wanted poster)
(The girls laugh nervously. Freud walks up.)
Freud: Hello, I'm Doctor Freud, but you may call me Ziggy.
Girl2: Oh my God! (they laugh)
Freud: You both seem to be suffering from a mild form of hysteria.
Girl2: You are such a geek. (they get up and leave)
Billy: Way to go egghead.
Socrates: Geek!
Freud: What is a geek?
(Oshmans' Sporting Good)
(Genghis is there checking out the baseball bats. He tries one out on a dummy that happens to be standing by. A guard happens to be watching.)
Guard: (into walkie-talkie) I need some help. I've got a live one here.
(Portrait Studio)
(Abe has just has his photo taken.)
Lincoln: Thank you.
Kid: Okay, I need the stupid hat and the Lincoln beard back.
Lincoln: You don't understand, I'm Abraham Lincoln.
Kid: Yeah, right. Ha ha. Now, come on, mister…(reaches for the hat and beard)
Lincoln: This is my hat and my beard.
(He runs out.)
(Gym)
Instructor: Keep it up! You're looking great!
(Suddenly Joan comes up and pushes her out of the way and begins to teach the class herself.)
(Music Store)
(The sales man is getting a littler irked that Beethoven hasn't bought anything and that he's still playing the keyboard.)
(Oshmans')
(The guards try to grab Genghis but he escapes on a skateboard and heads out into the mall.)
(Outside Oshmans')
(Billy comes running by and shoots off his gun, causing the guards to fall to the ground. Socrates comes running after him shooting off a plastic gun.)
(Escalator)
(Lincoln and Freud try to escape up the escalator but are caught.)
Freud: I demand, my own lawyer.
Guard: Don't get smart with me buddy. Let's go.
(Gym)
(The instructor has called security and they take Joan away.)
(Ice Skating Rink)
(Billy, Socrates, and Genghis head out onto the skating rink to get away from the guards, but the guards manage to surround them and capture them.)
(Music Store)
(The salesman has finally called security because a crowd has gathered. The guard goes over to Beethoven and leads him out. He goes quietly.)
(Car)
Bill: Mom, can't you go any faster?
(Missy burns rubber.)
(Police Station)
(All the historical figures are being interrogated.)
Cop: I want to know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud.
Freud: Why do you claim I'm not Sigmund Freud?
Cop: Why do you keep asking me these questions?
Freud: (pause) Tell me about your mother. (the cop gets up in disgust) Would you like a couch to lie on?
Cop: No, I don't want a couch to lie on.
(Captain Logan's office)
Captain Logan: All right, what's your name.
Lincoln: Abraham Lincoln. That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.
Captain Logan: I know how to spell Lincoln. What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?
Lincoln: February 12th, (pause) 1809. (smiles)
(School Auditorium)
(A jock is on stage giving his report.)
Jock: Everything's different, yet the same. Things are more moderner than before…bigger, and yet smaller. It's computers. (pause) San Dimas High School Football Rules!
(Crowd yells and claps!)
(Police Station – Outside)
Ted: I can't believe my dad arrested them all. What are we gonna do?
Bill: Okay, Ted, you go in and talk to your dad. I'm gonna scope the place out. Missy, I mean Mom, please keep an eye on Napoleon. (to Napoleon) Stay!
(Inside)
Captain Logan: All right lock him up with the rest of those wacko's.
Lincoln: I am a lawyer you know…
(A cop escorts him away.)
Ted: Dad!
Captain Logan: You can pack your bags, Ted.
Ted: What?
Captain Logan: You're going to Military School.
Ted: But, Dad…
Captain Logan: No I don't want to hear about it, Ted.
Ted: But…
Captain Logan: Ted, you go home and you pack your bags, now! (shoves Ted out the door)
(Outside)
Bill: How'd it go?
Ted: Bad. Our historical figures are all locked up and my dad won't let them out.
Bill: Can we get your dad's keys?
Ted: Could steal them but he lost them two days ago.
Bill: If only we could go back in time to when he had them and steal them then.
Ted: Well, why can't we?
Bill: Cause we don't got time.
Ted: We could do it after the report.
Bill: Ted, good thinking dude. After the report we'll time travel back to two days ago, steal your dad's keys, and leave them here.
Ted: Where?
Bill: I don't know. How about behind that sign? That way when we get here now, they'll be waiting for us. (bends down and picks up the keys) See?
Ted: Whoa! Yeah! So after the report we can't forget to do this, or else it won't happen. But it did happen! Hey, it was me who stole my dad's keys!
Bill: Exactly, Ted. Come on. (goes over to the car) Mom?
Missy: Yes?
Bill: Can you please bring the car around back?
Missy: Sure.
Bill: (stands up) Come on, Ted. We've got some historical figures to rescue.
(Inside)
Cop: (on CB) Roger, over and out. (gets up and leaves)
(The door opens and Bill and Ted sneak in, but stay below eye level by hiding behind a desk by the front door.)
Ted: How are we gonna get past my dad?
Bill: Do you have a tape recorder at home?
Ted: Yeah.
Bill: Okay. Remember to get the tape recorder. Set a timer on it for 2:13. Got it?
Ted: Got it! (pause) What am I gonna say on it?
Tape Recorder Ted: Dad! Hey Dad!
Bill: It's you, dude.
(Captain Logan looks up in his office.)
Captain Logan: Ted?
Tape Recorder Ted: I'm over here. Yeah, this way.
(Air guitar)
(They begin sneaking back to the holding cell. They hide behind a desk and spot a message for them on the typewriter.)
Ted: Whoa, check it out.
Bill: (reading) Dear Bill and Ted, good luck on the report. Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire & Ted 'Theodore' Logan.
Ted: Wow, that was nice of us.
Bill: (reading) PS. Duck!
(They duck quickly just as a cop walks by.)
Bill: Excellent work, dude.
(Holding Cells)
(All the Historical figures are there as Bill and Ted walk in. Joan is praying.)
Joan: (seeing them) Merci. (she crosses herself then stands up)
Bill: Time is of the essence. May I ask that you all work together so that we can get down to the car. Against the wall. Single file.
Ted: Hurry up, Billy.
(All the figures line up against the wall so that Bill & Ted can help them out the window.)
(Office)
(Captain Logan is still following Tape Recorder Ted's voice.)
Tape Recorder Ted: Over here, Dad. Down here!
(Captain Logan finds the tape recorder.)
Tape Recorder Bill: Way to go, dude. We stalled him.
Tape Recorder Ted: What else do I say? (pause) And now, opening for Iron Maiden, Wyld Stallyns!
(Captain Logan drops the recorder and hurries back to the holding cell.)
(Holding Cells)
(Bill & Ted are helping Billy out the window.)
Captain Logan: Ted? What the hell do you think you're doing?
Ted: (to himself) Remember a trash can. Remember a trash can!
Captain Logan: Trash can…what are you…(suddenly he's covered by a trash can) Get this off me, Ted!
Ted: Sorry dad, but we've got to go pass our history report. Oh, (takes the keys from Bill's mouth) I found your keys.
(He sets them on the bars.)
(School Parking Lot)
(Missy's car screeches to a halt.)
(Auditorium)
(Another Jock is giving his report.)
Jock: In conclusion, I think Abraham Lincoln would be most impressed with the world of San Dimas. I know I am.
(Applause)
(Parking Lot)
Bill: Down the hall, to the left.
(Auditorium)
(Mr. Ryan is addressing the students.)
Mr. Ryan: And I'm sure I speak for Mr. Ward and Mrs. Row when I say that your reports were very entertaining and very informative for all of us. So, it seems we may be one report short today, so we'll leave just a bit early. (applause) But once again I want to thank you all for your very hard work…
(Suddenly all the lights go out. And spot lights begin to search the stage.)
Ted: (on speakers) Hello San Dimas. Please welcome, for the final report of the afternoon, from all throughout history, some of the greatest leaders who have ever lived, in their 1988 World Tour!
(The curtains open and a spotlight hits Billy as he walks to the front of the stage.)
Billy: How's it going? I'm Billy the Kid.
(The audience laughs at this, so Billy whips out his gun and shoots one of the lights in the ceiling. The audience shuts up.)
Billy: (holstering his gun) I'd like you all to put your hands together. (the audience begins to clap) And now, my good friends, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Logan. Yehaw!
(Billy goes back to his place as Bill & Ted run out on stage.)
Bill & Ted: Thank you! Thank you! Hello San Dimas High.
Bill: Mr. Ryan, fellow distinguished classmates, teachers, babes.
Ted: Our first speaker was born in the year…
(Missy sneaks in and sits down next to Mr. Ryan.)
Missy: Hi, long time no see.
(Mr. Ryan smiles at her.)
Ted: …470 BC. A time when much of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zepplin album 'Houses of the Holy'.
Bill: We were there. There were many steps and columns, it was most tranquil. (gives a thumbs up.)
Ted: He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle. And like Ozzy Osborne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.
(Mr. Ryan watches them with interest.)
Bill: And since he doesn't speak English, my friend Ted here, is going to interpret for him. (Ted shrugs his consent.) So please welcome, to tell us what he thinks of San Dimas, the most bodacious philosophizer in Ancient Greece…
Both: Socrates!
(The spotlight hits Socrates and he looks a little stumped.)
(School Parking Lot)
(Captain Logan and Mr. Preston are hurrying into the school.)
Captain Logan: …is totally out of control. And I got a pretty good idea where he gets it from. I mean if you and that, that wife of yours would show a little discipline you're son wouldn't be such a bad influence.
Mr. Preston: Oh, is discipline the key to the success with Ted? (goes inside)
Captain Logan: (following) Yes! He's going to the Alaskan Military School.
(Auditorium)
(Captain Logan and Mr. Preston enter the Auditorium and see the boys on stage. Ted is speaking for Socrates.)
Ted: He loves you best in all the world.
Captain Logan: What are they doing up there?
(Mr. Preston shhhs him.)
Ted: He also loves baseball!
(From here on out there are little snippits of all of the speakers, in no particular order.)
(Ted lies on a gurney. Freud is analyzing him.)
Freud: Therefore, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of his own deepest anxieties about himself. And, hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.
(Ted sits up.)
Ted: Whoa!
(Freud lays him back down.)
Freud: Okay, Ted?
Ted: Yes, thank you very much Sigmund Freud.
(Freud motions for Bill to lie on the gurney.)
Bill: Nah! I just got a minor Oedipal complex.
(Missy looks at Mr. Ryan and shrugs.)
(For those of you that don't know, Bill was making a reference to Oedipus Rex. In which Oedipus, without knowing it, was wed to his mother.)
Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in Medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted: Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian.
Both: Mr. Genghis Khan.
Ted: This is a dude who seven hundred years ago totally ravished China. And whom we are told, 2 hours ago, totally ravished Oshmans' Sporting Goods.
(Bill and Joan of Arc are play fighting.)
Ted: A most bodacious solider, and general, Ms. Of Arc totally rousted the English from France. And then she turned this dude Gofann, into a kid, and all this by the time she was 17.
(Napoleon is now set up on stage with Maps of Austria and toy soldiers.)
Napoleon: (French)…avec me waterslide…
(Beethoven is on stage playing the keyboards.)
Ted: The music of Ludwig Von Beethoven.
(Genghis practicing swordplay on stage)
Bill: As you can see Genghis very much enjoys Twinkies because of the excellent sugar rush.
Ted: (re Socrates) He also loves Billiards.
(Beethoven playing on stage)
Bill: Beethoven's favorite works include Mozart's 'Requiem', Handal's 'Messiah', and Bon Jovi's 'Slippery When Wet'.
(Joan and Bill are still play fighting)
Ted: To improve on the condition of her armies, Joan of Arc plans on instituting a full scale aerobics program on her return to France.
Ted: (to Napoleon) I don't think it's gonna work.
Napoleon: No? (French)
(He trashes the models with his stick.)
(Beethoven playing.)
(Socrates on stage, still gesturing.)
Ted: He loves…he love San Dimas.
(Audience goes crazy.)
(Later)
Ted: And now, for our last speaker. One of the greatest presidents in American History, Mr. Abraham Lincoln.
(Audience claps as Lincoln steps forward.)
Lincoln: Fore score and seven minutes ago, we, your fore fathers were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure. Conceived by our new friends, Bill and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other, and (pause) party on dudes!
(Again the audience goes crazy!)
Bill: No…
Ted: …Way!
Bill & Ted: Thank you San Dimas High!
(All of them climb back into the booth…smoke rises up from the floor and obscures the booth as it takes off. When the smoke clears and the booth is gone the audience continues to clap.)
All: We want more! We want more!
(Lighters are lit all over the room.)
(Bill's Garage)
(Once again the guys are filming the intro to their video.)
Ted: (holding the camera) Intro…
Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.
(They switch places.)
Ted: Bill?
(Bill lowers the camera.)
Bill: What's up, Ted?
Ted: Well, we traveled through time. I mean, we met lots of great leaders, and we got an A+ on our history report, but look at us, nothing's different.
Bill: Maybe it's time we get Eddie Van Halen.
Ted: Maybe we should start learning how to play.
Bill: Maybe you're right, Ted.
(The hear a noise outside signaling the arrival of another booth, and then the garage door opens. Rufus stands there with the two Princesses.)
Rufus: Hello, again, my excellent friends. Congratulations on passing your history report.
Bill: Rufus…the babes…
Ted: We looked all over England for you.
Bill: Where'd you get those savory clothes?
Elisabeth: Rufus introduced us to a place called the mall.
Flora: And something called credit cards.
Rufus: I got them out of England just before they had to marry those royal ugly dudes.
Ted: Whoa, way to go Rufus.
(The girls walk over to them. Elisabeth gives Ted a kiss, and Flora kissed Bill. Rufus watches with a smile.)
Bill: How can we ever thank you, Rufus?
Rufus: Well you can start by signing this for my kids.
(Holds out a CD of Wyld Stallyns music.)
Ted: Why?
Rufus: They're big fans of yours.
Ted: What?
Rufus: Everyone is. Wyld Stallyns music is the foundation for our whole society.
Bill & Ted: No way.
Rufus: Yes way. In fact, I believe you were there. The futuristic place with the domes?
Bill: And the totally excellent music.
Ted: They totally worshipped us there, Rufus.
Rufus: I know. That's why I was sent to make sure you passed your History report. If you guys were separated it would have been disastrous for life as we know it. You see, eventually your music will help put an end to war and poverty. It will align the planets and bring them into universal harmony. Allowing meaningful contact with all forms of life. From extra terrestrials to common household pets. And, it's excellent for dancing. Why don't you have the ladies sign as well, would you please. After all, they are in the band.
Bill: They are? Excellent.
Girls: Excellent.
Bill: Where are you going, Rufus?
Rufus: I got a surprise for you.
(He goes over to the booth and comes back with two brand new guitars. He holds them out to the guys, who take them.)
Rufus: Here. That's to help you as you start your band.
Bill & Ted: Thanks Rufus.
Rufus: Now I just have one more humble request. If I might be so honored to jam with you?
Ted: Oh, do you know how to play?
Rufus: I play a little.
(He puts on one of the old guitars and proceeds to play excellently. All are very impressed.)
Ted: Most outstanding, Rufus.
Bill: Let's jam.
(They both plug in their guitars, and turn up the amps. Elisabeth goes over to the keyboard, and Flora goes over to the drums.)
Ted: Bill my friend.
Bill: Yes, Ted my friend.
Ted: This has been a most excellent adventure.
Bill & Ted: One, Two…One, Two, Three, Four…
(They all begin playing, and they're really bad.)
Rufus: (to camera) They do get better.
(THE END)