Buffy Group Quotes
Good Guys Bad Guys
*NOTE: After Spike has the chip in his head I don't consider him to be evil anymore so his font will be white. In the latter episodes of Season 6 when Willow goes postal after Tara's death her font is in red because she has quite obviously gone bad.
Buffy: What do you want?
Angel: The same thing you do.
Buffy: Okay. What do I want?
Angel: To kill 'em. To kill 'em all.
Buffy: Sorry, that's incorrect. But, you do get this watch and a year's supply of turtle wax. What I want is to be left alone.
Willow: We were able to decipher pretty much everything except these.
(She hands Buffy half dozen sheets of a parchment inscribed with strange markings.)
Tara: It's not written in any ancient language we could identify –
Xander: (chuckling) It's Klingon. They're love poems -- (geek alert) -- which have nothing to do with the
insidious scheme you're about to describe.
Dracula: Very impressive hunt. Such power.
Buffy: That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job. Care to step up for some overtime?
Dracula: We're not going to fight.
Buffy: Do you know what a Slayer is?
Dracula: Do you?
Buffy: Who are you?
Dracula: I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Dracula.
Buffy: Get out!
Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.
Faith: When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I like that feeling.
Buffy: Well sure, beats that "dead" feeling you get when they win and you lose.
Faith: You can't trust guys.
Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.
Angelus: No weapons... no friends... no hope. Take all that away and what's left?
Buffy: Me.
Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too coupley around Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?
Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
Willow: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?
Buffy: Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
Buffy: What should we do with the trio over here? Should we burn them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows.
Buffy: It's over.
Spike: I've memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want.
Buffy: I know that. I do want you. Being with you ... makes things ... simpler. For a little while.
Spike: I don't call five hours straight a little while.
Buffy: I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just ... being weak, and selfish...
Spike: Really not complaining here.
Buffy: ...and it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry ... William.
Spike: Should I really trust you?
Adam: Scout's honor.
Spike: You were a Boy Scout?
Adam: Parts of me.
Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Can I make him one?
Spike: No. On second thought, yes. Go make him a vampire. Take your time. Get Melanie and the kids, too.
Spike: Where have you been pet?
Drusilla: I went for a walk. I met an old man. I didn't like him, he got stuck in my teeth.
Anya: Listen, I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if…
Willow: Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog-geyser-person.
Xander: So, we Bronzin' it tonight?
Willow: Wednesdays, kinda beat...
Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.
Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let's just say, I'm a friend.
Buffy: Yeah, maybe I don't want a friend.
Angel: I didn't say I was yours.
Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
Bartender: (deadpan) ID.
(Anya glares at him.)
Bartender: (deadpan) ID.
Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Bartender: (deadpan) ID.
Anya: (sigh) Gimme a Coke.
Anya: You know this isn't your world, right? I mean, you know you don't belong here.
Vamp Willow: No. This is a dumb world. On my world, there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.
Anya: You dosed her. You knew she was going to take your powers all along.
Giles: W-well, I knew there was a possibility. The gift I was given by the coven was the true essence of Magic. Which comes, in all it's purity, from the Earth itself. Willow's magic came from a place of rage and power.
Anya: Oh, and vengeance. Don't forget vengeance.
Giles: How... could I? In any case, the magic she took from me tapped into the spark of humanity she had left. Allowed her to feel again... Giving Xander the opportunity to reach her.
Anya: Xander?
Giles: Yes. It was he that got to her in time. (looking at her) He saved us all.
Spike: What, your Mom doesn't know?
Joyce: Know what?
Buffy: That I'm, uh...in a band. A rock band...with Spike here.
Spike: Right. She plays the-the triangle...
Buffy: Drums.
Spike: Drums, yeah. She's hell on the old skins, you know.
Joyce: (to Spike) And what do you do?
Spike: Well I sing.
Willow: So, how did it go?
Xander: On a scale from one to ten? It sucked.
Ford: I wanna be like you...A vampire.
Spike: I've known you for two minutes and I can't stand you. I don't really feature you living forever. Can I eat him now love?
Xander: You're considered somewhat cool.
Oz: I am?
Xander: Is it because you always tend to express yourself in short, non-commital sentences?
Oz: Could be.
Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?
Wesley: The Council's orders are to concentrate on the…
Buffy: Orders. I don't think I'm going to be taking any more orders. Not from you, not from them.
Wesley: You can't turn your back on the Council.
Buffy: They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.
Buffy: You read my diary? That is not OK. A diary is like a person's most private possession. You don't even know what I was writing about. Hunk can mean a lot of things, bad things. And, and when I said his eyes were penetrating, I meant bulging.
Angel: Buffy...
Buffy: A doesn't even stand for Angel for that matter. It stand for Achmed, a charming foreign exchange student. And that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you, at all...
Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched her from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear.
Buffy: Oh.
Xander: I still don't know why we had to come here to look up information on a killer snot monster.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space. ...I did not say that.
Buffy: You sound like Mr. Initiative! "Demons bad, people good."
Riley: Something wrong with that theorem?
Spike: Do I have anyone on watch here? It's called security, people. Are you all asleep? Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?
Ford: I know who you are.
Spike: Yeah, I know who I am too, so what?
Buffy: I can't believe you got into Oxford!
Willow: It's pretty exciting.
Oz: That's some deep academia there.
Buffy: That's where they make Gileses!
Willow: I know! I can learn, and have scones!
Anya: I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well, gosh, I wonder why not? It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch.
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Angelus: You know, I never properly thanked you for sending me to Hell.
Buffy: No...
Angelus: I'm wondering, where do I start? A card, fruit basket, hmm? Evisceration?
Xander: The mayor is gonna kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
Cordelia: Yeah. Me too.
Buffy: The world is what it is---we fight, we die. Wishing doesn't change that.
Giles: I have to believe in a better world.
Buffy: Go ahead. I have to live in this one.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine's much more advanced.
Harmony: How are you gonna kill her? Think! The second you even point that thing at her, you're gonna be all "Aaagh!" (holding her hand to her head in imitation of Spike), and then you'll get bitch-slapped up and down Main Street, unless she's finally had enough and just stakes you!
Spike: Sure, it'll hurt like hell for about two hours. But she'll be dead just a little longer than that.
Xander: Nice. Look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy.
Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to (imitates Dracula's accent) leave you. And where'd you get that accent Sesame Street? One, two, three - three victims. Mwah, ha, ha, ha!
Buffy: Xander, I'm pretty sure that's Dracula.
Xander: Wow, really? Hey, sorry, man, I was... just jokin' around.
Buffy: We have a marching jazz band?
Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... scary.
Willow: He's just being Oz.
Oz: Pretty much full time.
Vamp Xander: Isn't that what they called The Slayer?
Vamp Willow: Buffy, ohh scary.
Vamp Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.
Angel: The Master arose. He let me live... to punish me. I kept hoping you'd come. My destiny...
Buffy: Is this a get-in-my-pants thing? You guys in Sunnydale talk like I'm the second coming.
Anyanka: You trusting fool. How do you know the other world is any better than this?
Giles: Because it has to be.
Xander: So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go? No, I don't mean that either.
Angelus: "Dear Buffy..." Hmmm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?
Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: It doesn't say "spare me" by any chance?
Buffy: No, but, see, Mom, that doesn't really work for me. We're just going to the magic shop, no school supplies there.
Dawn: Yeah, Mom. I'm not going to Hogwarts. (chuckles) Hog- (looks at Buffy, who's not amused) Jeez, crack a book sometime.
Spike: Whatcha doin', love?
Drusilla: I'm naming the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day.
Drusilla: No, I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion.
Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbing creature-of-the-night boyfriend.
Willow: You can't stop this.
Xander: Yeah, I get that. It's just - where else am I going to go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end - where else would I want to be?
Willow: Is this the master plan? You're going to stop me by telling me you love me?
Xander: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony.
Willow: Still making jokes.
Xander: I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid and hey, still want to hang. You're Willow.
Anya: I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you! And your lips!
Willow: No, it was not! Well, yes it was so, but... that was a long time ago, do you think I'd do that again?
Anya: Why not?
Willow: Hello? Gay now!
Oz: So, do you steal weapons from the Army often?
Willow: Well, we don't get cable, so we have to make our own fun.
Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that.
Angel: No, I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck.
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.
Xander: Yep, vampires are real. A lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow'll fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
Principal Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually, that would be one of the five.
Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes. That's why one slays them.
Spike: In that case, why won't you sleep with me again?
Buffy: Because I don't love you.
Spike: (to himself) Like hell.
Warren: Look at him.
Andrew: He's got that same look on his face, the one he had that time I highlighted in his Babylon 5 novels.
Dawn: Are we the International House of something?
Buffy: Nope. Got up early, and it felt like a breakfast kind of morning. Okay, what kind of syrup do you want on your pancakes?
Dawn: Syrups have kinds?
Dawn: Well, you guys went out patrolling every night when you were my age.
Buffy: True ... but technically, you're one-and-a-half.
Andrew: You think they'll let my aunt bring me my disc man?
Jonathan: That's what you're worried about? In-flight entertainment? We're in jail…
Andrew: We're in custody. We haven't been charged yet…
Jonathan: Thank you, Dragnet.
Willow: Xander, wanna stay and help me?
Xander: Are you kidding?
Willow: Yes, it was a joke I made up.
Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?
Cordelia: I guess you should know since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time.
Giles: Yes, do bring that up as often as possible.
Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with dead boy on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?
Buffy: Ahh, it's okay. Gave Cord and I chance to spend some quality death time.
Cordelia: And we got these free corsages.
Buffy: Hey, I know! Why don't you kill them?
Giles: I'm a Watcher, I haven't the skill.
Buffy: Oh, come on. A stake through the heart, a little sunlight. It's like falling off a log.
Buffy: I'm sorry, it's just been a really weird day.
Xander: Yeah, Buffy died and everything.
Willow: Wow, harsh.
Buffy: Mom, the only way you get a new slayer is if the old slayer dies.
Joyce: Then that means you... When did you die? You never told me you died.
Buffy: It was just for a few minutes.
Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way or... well, actually, there's just the hard way.
Darla: That's fine with me.
Buffy: Are you sure? Now this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content.
Buffy: See, this is a school. And we have students and they check out books and then they learn things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.
Drusilla: How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with coffee?
Giles: Alright. I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.
Giles: I suspect your mother would want to... put it on the refrigerator.
Buffy: Yeah. She saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded.
Giles: I've been on the Hellmouth too long, that was metaphorical, yes?
Buffy: Yes.
Joyce: Something's gonna eat those babies?
Principal Snyder: I think that is so wrong.
Joyce: You belong in a good old fashioned college with keg parties and boys. Not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.
The Master: You were destined to die, it was written.
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.
Oz: It's Willow, she's nearby.
Cordelia: What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume.
Oz: She's afraid.
Cordelia: Oh my God, is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing.
Oz: I really agree.
Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
Xander: Yeah, I'm irrational that way.
Xander: How could you let her go?
Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not "let" her go.
Xander: The band, yeah. They're great. They march.
Willow: Like an army. Except with music, instead of bullets, and usually no one dies.
Buffy: I told one lie... I had one drink...
Giles: Yes. And you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "Let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.
Angel: I knew this was gonna happen.
Buffy: What? What do you think is happening?
Angel: You're 16 years old, I'm 241.
Buffy: I've done the math.
Angel: You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you want.
Buffy: Oh, no. I think I do. I want out of this conversation.
Giles: Might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence even.
Xander: I don't get your crazy system!
Giles: It's called the alphabet.
Xander: Would ya look at that.
Jenny: You're here again? You kids really dig the library don't you?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.
Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah, does it ever get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles: Yes. It's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies... and everyone lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.
Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
Professor Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job. (leaves)
Professor Walsh: I like her.
Riley: Really? You don't think she's a little peculiar?
Buffy: I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh."
Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Riley: I thought maybe we could have a little spread. Sandwiches, maybe some ants. Could be fun.
Buffy: We were talking about a picnic?
Riley: Oh... so, was that a conversation I actually had or one I was just practicing?
Buffy: Hello to the pain.
Willow: The pain is not a friend.
Riley: We've been tear-assing through every jungle from Paraguay up, taking out nests. As soon as we put one Suvolte down, a dozen take its place. They're breeders, Buffy. One turns into ten, ten becomes a hundred. This gets out of hand and there's a war with humans? Humans are gonna lose.
Buffy: So they're like really mean tribbles. (Riley gives her another look) Sorry, I've been dealing with these, these geeks, it's, it's a whole thing.
Buffy: Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away.
Giles: Oh, please.
Spike: Giles, make her stop!
Giles: If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.
Xander: Jeez. You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh.
Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her.
Xander: That's sweet.
Giles: But this is why I think we should all keep a level head in this.
Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head and yours is the one things would roll off of.
Buffy: Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class.
Oz: Which could also be construed as the brain thing.
Giles: I need you to take Spike for a few days.
Xander: What?
Spike: What?
Anya: What?
Spike: I'm not stayin' with him.
Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
Spike: We're out of Wheat-a-Bix.
Giles: We are out of Wheat-a-Bix because you ate it all. Again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Wheat-a-Bix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
Spike: Sissy.
Adam: You failed me.
Spike: Let's not quibble about who failed who.
Angel: Buffy, careful with this gift. Lots of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful.
Buffy: Like, say, immortality?
Angel: Exactly. I'm dying to get rid of that.
Buffy: Funny.
Angel: I'm a funny guy.
Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you... you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.
Buffy: No... when you kiss me, I wanna die.
(After finding Spike outside her house.)
Buffy: What are you doing here, Spike? Five words or less!
Spike: (counting on fingers) Out... for... a... walk... bitch.
Rack: If I were you, I'd be worried about the witch.
Warren: Witch? Which witch?
Rack: Willow. Slayer's pal. She's the new power, man - anybody with intuition can feel it. She's going to blow this town away - starting with you.
Xander: Oh my God... Are you okay?
Buffy: Sure. How'd I get here?
Xander: You've got to stop doing this. I mean the dying thing is funny once. Maybe twice-
Oz: We survived.
Buffy: Yeah, it was some battle.
Oz: I meant high school.
Dawn: What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend!
Willow: Oz is a werewolf.
Buffy: It's a long story.
Oz: Got bit.
Buffy: But obviously not that long.
Buffy: Every time you show up like this, you risk all your parts, you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you and I... are you naked under there?
Buffy: Get out.
Spike: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part...
Cordelia: You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
Cordelia: I can hold my own.
Xander: All right, where is he? Where's the creep who turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Dammit. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm tired of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm through being everybody's butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.
Buffy: Angel, do you snore?
Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anyone's been in a position to let me know.
Ford: What happened?
Spike: We're stuck in a basement.
Ford: Buffy?
Spike: She's not stuck in a basement.
Willy: What are you gonna' do with him, anyway?
Spike: I'm thinkin' maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.
Buffy: Do we really need weapons for this?
Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.
Spike: What's Big Blue doing anyway?
The Judge: I am preparing.
Spike: It's interesting to me that preparing looks a great bit like sitting on your ass.
Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday's my life like, uh oh, pop quiz. Today, it's rain of toads.
Giles: (scoffs) Magic! Magic's all balderdash and chicanery. I'm afraid we don't know a bloody thing. (everyone looking at him) Except I seem to be British, don't I? Uh, and a man. With ... glasses. (removes glasses) Well, that narrows it down considerably.
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. (everyone looking at him) You Englishmen are always so... (pauses) Bloody hell! (ticks off on his fingers) Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!
Giles: Welcome to the nancy tribe.
Spike: 'Made with care for Randy.' (looks at Giles angrily) Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!
Giles: Randy's ... a family name, undoubtedly.
Riley: Way I heard it. You were all peaceable now. You didn't by any chance go and lose that pesky soul again, did you?
Angel: Don't push me, boy.
Riley: Now what possibly could've happened with Buffy that would make you lose your soul?
Angel: That'd be between me and her.
Riley: Where do you think you're going?
Angel: Going to see an old girlfriend.
Riley: Buffy . . . I feel like we've gotten really close. At least I thought we had. I don't know much about Angel or your relationship with him . . but . . . all I ask is . . if you're gonna break heart, do it fast.
Buffy: What? You think that Angel and I…
Riley: Didn't you?
Buffy: No. Of course not. How can you even ask me that?
Riley: I don't know. Xander said…
Buffy: Xander?! Oh, he's the deadest man in Deadonia.
Riley: And, uh after that, I went a little nuts! You know? I mean…on the one hand …I should believe in us. But on the other…Sometimes things happen between exes and when I saw that he was bad…
Buffy: He's not bad.
Riley: Seriously? That's a good day? Well, there you go. Even when he's good he's all Mister Billowy Coat King of Pain and girls really-
Buffy: Then why with the crazy?
Riley: Because I'm so in love with you I can't think straight.
Buffy: Okay, well, how long before you un-crypt it?
Willow: Hours. Days maybe. Anyone suggesting months would not be accused of crazy talk.
Giles: You never train with me anymore. He's gonna kick your ass.
Buffy: Giles!
Xander: Oh. Okay. You and Willow go do the superpower thing, I'll stay behind and putt around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred here.
Giles: Ah-ah, no. I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget. Alfred had a job.
Buffy: What the hell are you doing?
Spike: I thought they were demons.
Buffy: Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher.
Warren: Dude, what are you doing?
Jonathan: We're not breaking into Langley here. It's Sunnydale.
Andrew: Well, you never know what new stuff they have, better safe than-
Warren: Okay, the security system here is a guy named Rusty.
Amy: Mm-hm. Yeah. Just ... you know. Everything feels weird. I mean, it's like ... I felt like I was in that cage for weeks. But it can still be okay ... right? I-I can still get into the swing of things, like ... prom's coming up. I-I'm so hoping Larry would ask me. We would make such a splash at- (sees Willow's expression) Oh. Oh god. He hasn't asked someone else, has he?
Willow: Uh, Amy ... three things we have to talk about. One, Larry's gay. (Amy staring at her) Two, Larry's dead. And three, high school's ... kinda over.
Amy: Hi Buffy.
Buffy: Hi. How've you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead.
Amy: Oh.
Amy: Sorry about your mom.
Buffy: (softly) Thanks.
Amy: It's crazy, all the things that've happened since I went away.
Buffy: No kidding.
Amy: Snyder got eaten by a snake ... high school got destroyed...
Buffy: Oh, Gatorade has a new flavor. Blue.
Amy: See? Head spinning. People getting frozen ... Willow's dating girls ... and did you hear about Tom and Nicole?!
Spike: Knock knock, robot boy. (knocks on Warren's head) Need you to look at my chip.
Jonathan: Is that like, British slang or something? 'Cause we're not-
Spike: In my head, the chip in my head.
Warren: We're kind of in the middle of something.
Spike: Well, you can play holodeck another time. Right now, I'm in charge.
Spike: Examine my chip, or else Mister... (looks at the label on the stand) ...Fett here is the first to die.
Jonathan: Hey, all right, let's not, let's not do anything crazy here.
Andrew: That's a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.
Warren: All right, dude ... chill. You can still make it right. You know you don't wanna do this.
Spike: What I want ... is answers, nimrod.
Warren: Right. But you don't wanna hurt the Fett, 'cause man, you're *not* comin' back from that. You know, you don't just do that and walk away.
Andrew: You're English, right?
Spike: (suspiciously) Yeah.
Andrew: I've seen every episode of Doctor Who. (Spike continues frowning) Not Red Dwarf, though, 'cause, um...
Jonathan: 'Cause it's not out yet on DVD.
Andrew: Right. It's not out on ... (weakly) DVD.
Xander: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.
Anya: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. (to Buffy) She's a witch.
Xander: Please, she- (pauses) Really?
Anya: Of course. Nobody could do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness.
Dawn: Buffy called. She said she was going straight from the Magic Box to do some patrolling.
Willow: Oh, did she need help?
Dawn: No, she was just calling to check in. For like the tenth time today. I think she's feeling all Joan Crawford 'cause of the other night.
Buffy: Get dressed. Dawn's missing.
Spike: Again? Ever think about a Lojack for the girl?
Willow: The magic wasn't all great. I won't miss the nosebleeds and the headaches and stuff.
Buffy: There you go.
Willow: Or ... keeping stinky yak cheese in my bra. (Buffy frowns) Don't ask.
Warren: I mean, it still needs a trial run, but it's-
Jonathan: Kind of clunky-looking.
Warren: What?!
Andrew: I pictured something cooler. More ILM, less Ed Wood.
Buffy: Spike ... this nice woman is, uh, from Social Services?
Spike: Oh, right! Uh ... hey! Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis. (Both Buffy and Ms. Kroger smiling) Like, um, when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it.
Ms. Kroger: (frowning) I'm sorry, did you say-
Buffy: Crib! He said crib. You know kids today and their buggin' street slang.
Willow: It was nothing, I ... I-I didn't slip.
Xander: Will, nobody's mad. Relapse is a part of recovery, we understand that. We just have to figure a way to fix it.
Willow: (confused) Fix what?
Xander: Fix Buffy.
Willow: Buffy's broken?
Manny: Interesting, isn't it?
Buffy: (fake smile) Oh yes! Like how the cow and the chicken come together even though they've never met. It's like Sleepless in Seattle if, if Meg and Tom were, like, minced.
Anya: Well, time is running very short. After Willow gave us the 'whoosh' engagement party, I got slack on the planning 'cause I figured she'd help, but, well, now that's all been blown to hell.
Willow: Hey, standing right here! Standing right exactly here.
Anya: Sorry. Didn't mean to tempt you.
Spike: You're not happy here.
Buffy: (quietly) Please don't make this harder.
Spike: You don't belong here. You're something ... you're better than this.
Buffy: I need the money.
Spike: I can get money. Walk with me now, come on.
Xander: Hey, did your friend have a good time? And then leave?
Anya: (sullen) She's gone.
Xander: So, Ahn, the way she looked, with ... the face... (nervous laugh) That wasn't what you used to look like, was it?
Anya: Is there something wrong with that? I mean, did you think she was unattractive?
Xander: Okay, is there any answer to that question that won't make you nuts?
Dawn: (to Willow) What do you see?
Willow: There's no reaction.
Xander: Oh god, no! No reaction!
Willow: Which means it's not human.
Xander: (upset) It's not human! (realizing) It's not human?
Anya: Well, is it demony? I mean, maybe someone's ... you know, killing demons and using them as a cheap source of meat. I mean, we've all heard of that.
Lorraine: It's a formed and texturized vegetable-based meat-like product, suitable for grinding. It's blended with large amounts of rendered beef fat for flavor.
Buffy: Wait, the secret ingredient in the beef is ... beef?
Buffy: You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
Spike: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.
Buffy: I've been thinking about doing something to my room.
Spike: Yeah?
Buffy: Yeah, I think the New Kids On The Block posters are starting to date me.
Warren: Oh, you're not still sore about that thing, are you?
Katrina: What *thing* would that be exactly? What, the wind-up slut you tinkered together? Or when Little Miss Nuts and Bolts tried to choke me to death?
Warren: Okay, so I've made a few mistakes.
Xander: Hey, I see sitting where there should be dancing.
Anya: Come share in the joy of our groove thang.
Willow: And despite that, I succumb to the beat.
Buffy: What? Like I'm one of those losers who can't make friends outside her tight little circle? No. I'm friendly. We bonded instantly. Peas in a pod. Bonded peas.
Anya: Really? Um, what's Sophie's last name?
Xander: (to Buffy) You wanna try poker?
Clem: Still say it's weird without the kittens.
Buffy: No kittens. (Richard giving her a funny look) He's quirky.
Tara: I thought vengeance demons only punished men who wronged women.
Halfrek: Oh, that was Anya's little raison d'être. Most of us try to be a little more well-rounded. And actually, we prefer 'justice demon.' Okay? FYI.
Buffy: Riley.
Riley: Sorry to just drop in on you like this, Buffy.
Buffy: It's you.
Riley: It's me.
Buffy: You're here.
Riley: I know.
Buffy: And ... were you always this tall?
Riley: (leans closer) Look, this isn't the way I wanted it. But something's come up, something big. We don't have much time. You understand?
Buffy: (nodding) Not a work you've said so far.
Buffy: How's your arm?
Riley: It'll heal. How you doin'?
Buffy: Complicated question.
Riley: I just meant-
Buffy: I know.
Riley: I hear ya. Got some, uh ... big stories to tell you to. If we ever get half a second.
Buffy: Did you die?
Riley: No.
Buffy: I'm gonna win.
Buffy: I'm ... Buffy the bridesmaid. (flash of lightning, clap of thunder)
Willow: Duty-schmuty. I'm supposed to be best man. Shouldn't I be all ... Marlene Dietrich-y in a dashing tuxedo number?
Buffy: No.
Willow: Oh.
Buffy: That would be totally unfair. We must share equally in the cosmic joke that is bridesmaids-dom.
Demon Teen: My family is worse.
Dawn: (scoffs) No way. Mine is so messed up you have no idea.
Demon Teen: No, just wait until you see my mom dance at the reception, okay, and then tell me who's messed up.
Dawn: (laughs) I guess they're all messed up.
Demon Teen: Yeah. Everybody's pretty lame.
Buffy: I am not telling my friends about us.
Spike: Right, I'll just be dropping him down to you then.
Buffy: You wanna tell them so badly? Go ahead. You know why? I tried to kill my friends, my sister, last week ... and guess how much they hate me. Zero. Zero much. (shrugs) So I'm thinking, sleeping with you? They'll deal.
Andrew: You have got to chill. This isn't "Oz" - it's, like, Mayberry. Besides, Warren is going to find a way get us out of here-
Jonathan: (scoffing) Yeah. I'm sure he'll be breaking us out of here any minute.
Andrew: He will. He's just coming up with a plan. Like in "War Games", remember? That decoder Matthew Broderick used?
Jonathan: Oh, yeah. That was rad. The one he made from the scissors and tape recorder?
Andrew: I miss "Ferris" Matthew. "Broadway" Matthew - I find him cold.
Jonathan: You're checking for implants?
Andrew: (defensive) Lex Luthor had a false epidermis escape kit in Superman versus the Amazing Spider-Man Treasury edition ...
Jonathan: Okay, first of all, those were sonic disrupters and second of all ...you are sadness personified. Waiting for Warren? Yeah, maybe he'll bust us out of here on Santa's magic sleigh.
Xander: Hey now - play nice, fellas, or you'll break our concentration.
Anya: Which means no protection spell...
Xander: And Willow will make sure you two boneless chickens are skinless, too.
Andrew: Then what? You think your Li'l Witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck driving Magic Mamma. We've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers, and not one of you bunch has the midiclorians to stop her.
Xander: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?
Willow: So. Here we are.
Buffy: Are we really gonna do this?
Willow: Come on! This is a huge deal for me! Six years as a side man, and now I get to be the Slayer.
Buffy: A killer isn't a Slayer. Being a Slayer means something you can't conceive of.
Willow: Oh, Buffy. You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked.
Buffy: Then show me what you got. And I'll show you what a Slayer is.
Willow: Buffy, I gotta tell you - I get it now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world with the power to stop me now.
(Suddenly she’s hit by a blast of energy and knocked to the ground.)
Giles: I'd like to test that theory.
Anya: Giles, you... you have to rest.
Giles: Silly girl. I'm dying.
Anya: No, you're not.
Giles: It was... It was the only way. I thought there'd be a chance now, but... (somberly) I know where Willow's gone... She's going to finish it...
Anya: Finish what?
Giles: The world.
Willow: You won't go without a fight and I really don't have time for one. But you should go out fighting.
Buffy: Willow - what do you-
Willow: It was me that took you out of the Earth. Well, now...the Earth wants you back.
Demon: You have endured the required trials.
Spike: Bloody right I have. So, give me what I want. Make me what I was... so Buffy can get what
she deserves.
Demon: Very well. Your soul is returned to you.
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