Entropy
(Cemetery – Night)
(Episode opens on two pairs of feet running through the graveyard. Sound of motors running. Cut out and we see it's two vampires running, looking nervously behind them. Cut out farther and we see three all-terrain vehicles chasing the vampires. Cut closer to reveal the Geek Trio on the ATVs, holding long stakes like jousting spears. Warren gives a yell or laugh of excitement as the chase continues.)
Warren: Ha ha!
Andrew: They're getting to the gate!
Warren: I see it, I see it!
(The vampires continue fleeing. Now we see one of them has something in his hand: a flat round metallic disk three or four inches in diameter. The Geeks continue pursuing. One vampire grabs a branch from a passing tree. The branch breaks off and he throws it at the ATVs. The branch hits Andrew in the face and he loses control of his vehicle. He falls off as Jonathan roars up behind him. Jonathan and Warren swerve to avoid hitting Andrew. Jonathan side-swipes a gravestone, shattering it. He ends up riding head-on toward Warren. They both stop just in time but go tumbling off their vehicles and onto the ground.
Andrew comes limping over.)
Andrew: We're gonna lose 'em.
(We see the vampires still running. They have almost reached the wide gate that marks the exit to the cemetery. Jonathan and Warren get to their feet.)
Jonathan: We need that disk.
(The vampires run through the gate and onto the street, only to be attacked by Buffy. She hits the first vamp and grabs the second, but he twists out of her grip. The disk goes clattering across the pavement. The second vamp kicks at Buffy but she blocks, hits him and throws him against the gate. He falls to the ground and Buffy turns to the other vamp. The Nerd Herd stands watching.)
Warren: Wait.
(The fight continues, moves around the gate and out of the Geeks' view. Warren moves forward. The second vamp gets to his feet and prepares to rejoin the fight. But suddenly he rises up off the ground.
Reveal Spike sitting atop the stone pillar of the gate, holding the vampire by the back of his shirt, calmly watching Buffy. The vamp struggles ineffectively. The Geeks walk closer, carefully. Buffy gets the first vamp in a strangle-hold, tries to stake him but he holds her arm off. Spike continues watching and holding the second vamp in the air. The first vamp gets loose from Buffy's hold and hits her. Warren crawls across the ground toward the disk. He gets to it, grabs it. Andrew and Jonathan start to run off, as Warren follows. Buffy never saw them. The first vamp throws Buffy to the ground and reaches for her throat.)
Spike: How you doin'?
Buffy: (holding the vamp off) Oh, fine. You know, same old same old.
Spike: Here, I could take care of this guy if you want.
Buffy: Whatever. (She kicks the first vamp off and flips to her feet.) Your call.
Spike: I mean, sure he don't look like much...
Vamp 2: Hey!
Spike: ...but I'd wager he could give you a bit o' nasty. (Buffy kicking Vamp 1) Save you the staking. (Buffy throwing Vamp 1 to the ground) All you gotta do is-
Buffy: I am not telling my friends about us.
Spike: Right, I'll just be dropping him down to you then.
Buffy: (still struggling with Vamp 1) You wanna tell them so badly? Go ahead. (She finally manages to get a hand free and stakes the first vamp. Buffy stands up and walks over to the gate, looks up at Spike and the still dangling Vamp 2.) You know why? I tried to kill my friends, my sister, last week ... and guess how much they hate me. Zero. Zero much. (shrugs) So I'm thinking, sleeping with you? (Spike looking annoyed) They'll deal.
(She turns to go. Spike lets Vamp 2 go. He falls to the ground and rushes at Buffy from behind.)
Spike: In that case, why won't you sleep with me again?
(Vamp 2 pauses, looks back at Spike in confusion.)
Vamp2: Huh?
(Buffy turns back, stakes the vamp and glares at Spike. Turns again and resumes walking.)
Buffy: (quietly as she walks away) Because I don't love you.
(Spike looks down, pouts.)
Spike: (to himself) Like hell.
(Xander’s Apartment)
(It's dimly lit and very red. Sad music plays. Pan across to reveal Xander sitting on the floor holding a bottle of beer. He takes a sip, stares blankly. Xander takes another sip of beer, continues staring blankly. Xander picks up a remote control and pushes a button. The music stops. He looks around in the silence. Gets up. He walks over to a chair, picks up a jacket and puts it on as he leaves the apartment.)
(Outside)
(Xander exits, goes down the walkway toward the street. Pan over to some bushes. We see Anya standing behind them, watching him go.)
(UC Sunnydale – Day)
(Willow stands beside a classroom door holding books. Students are walking out of the classroom. Tara exits the classroom, also holding books. She doesn't see Willow, begins walking. Willow rushes to intercept her, smiling. Willow grabs Tara's shoulder.)
Tara: Hey!
Willow: Hey. Look at you. All coming out of class and everything. (they continue walking)
Tara: (smiling) I do that sometimes. Usually at the end part of the class.
Willow: Right. (nervous laugh)
Tara: So how's your, you know, after the whole basement deal? (gesturing at her neck)
Willow: (puts hand to her neck) It's between a hitch and a kink, with a side of a twinge. It's okay. (smiling)
Tara: And Buffy's okay too? Enjoying the refreshing sanity and so forth? (stops walking)
Willow: (loud fake laugh) Ha, yeah! Refreshing san - that's funny. (more seriously) She's okay. A little ... freaked. I'm glad she didn't hurt you.
Tara: You too. (Pause. They resume walking.) So, this is becoming kind of a regular thing, you and me after class.
Willow: (nervous) Uh, I didn't...
Tara: Only this time you stuck around.
Willow: Uh, um ...
Tara: She was just a friend.
Willow: (relieved, nervous laugh) Friends are nice!
Tara: (smiles) You rushed off before I could, you know, explain.
Willow: Well, officially, I have to say I have no idea what you're talking about.
Tara: Unofficially?
(Tara stop walking, gives a teasing look. Willow smiles hugely, then calms down but still looks happy.)
Willow: We should have some coffee some time. (nervously) Uh, maybe some day ... this week after class?
Tara: (small smile) I'm free tomorrow.
Willow: Uh, you could, you could bring your friend.
Tara: (surprised) I wasn't gonna - I-I mean, if you have a friend-
Willow: No! (quickly) I'm, oh, I-I'm friendless.
Tara: Yeah, yeah, no friends. (quickly) I-I mean, I have friends-
Willow: Right, many dear friends, yeah.
(They both laugh and fidget nervously.)
Tara: (sighing, smiling) Coffee.
Willow: With us. Who are ... just friends. (both nodding at each other)
(Downtown Sunnydale)
Buffy: (os) Okay, how about this store?
(Long shot of Buffy and Dawn walking along. Buffy points at a store window.)
Dawn: Ah. Three pairs of earrings, a coin purse and a toothbrush.
Buffy: (dubious) You stole a toothbrush.
Dawn: (defensive) A mother-of-pearl handle. Very fancy.
Buffy: Yeah, but you stole a toothbrush. As far as rebellious teenagers go, you're kinda square.
Dawn: (smiling) Dental hygiene is important.
Buffy: Guess this was kind of a lame sisters' day out, huh? I make up for trying to kill you by taking you to places you can't go in.
Dawn: No, it's my bad. I'm the one that got caught taking stuff.
Buffy: (noticing something offscreen, pointing) Hey, how about the pet store? You didn't take anything from there, did you?
Dawn: A pocketful of goldfish. It didn't work out. (Beat. They continue walking as Buffy stares at Dawn. Dawn laughs.) No!
Buffy: (smiling) Okay, good. We can go, and we can look at all the puppies.
Dawn: (grimacing) Ehh. It's so awful! There's puppy mills, and keeping them in cages, and, and people poking at them all day.
Buffy: Yeah, but puppies, cute! Come on, you used to love the pet store.
Dawn: Yes, when I was in my fives and sixes. (sees Buffy looking disappointed) Uh, come on, we'll go look. (looking around) Besides, I don't think there's another store here where I can ... show my face.
Buffy: It'll pass. You've returned all the stuff that you still had, and we're paying for the rest.
Dawn: I'm paying for the rest.
Buffy: We'll figure it out.
(They look at each other.)
(The Geek’s Lair)
(Close-up of the disk from earlier. We see that it has symbols drawn in concentric rings on its surface. It sits on a table leaning against a small glass jar filled with yellow liquid.)
Jonathan: (os) Get back.
(Reveal Jonathan sitting by the table holding a glass mortar and pestle. The table also holds an array of test tubes, and the requisite arrangement of curly tubes and jars filled with liquids of various colors. Warren stands by Jonathan's shoulder.)
Jonathan: You don't want to make me rush this. (mixing stuff in the mortar)
Warren: I'm not impressed, padawan. When do we hit pay-dirt?
Jonathan: If something goes wrong, it's gonna surge... (Warren pacing to the other side) ...and we'll be deader than an ex-girlfriend.
Warren: (pauses, whirls to stare at Jonathan) What did you say?
Jonathan: (annoyed) Just let me work!
Warren: (playing it cool) All right. All right, you do what you need to do. You get us to the goods, and then watch out! (smiles) It'll gonna be like ... it'll be like the whole world just spread open and gave it up for you, man.
(Jonathan doesn't look thrilled by that. He looks up at Warren.)
Jonathan: (quietly) And then we're done, right? We each take our share and we call it a day.
Warren: You that ready to get rid of us? Huh? (In background Andrew appears, pretends to be doing something but really is listening in.) Don't worry. We pull this off, you can go buy any tropical island you want. (Jonathan still looking grim) Aw, cheer up, Short Round. You're about to get us everything we ever wanted.
(Jonathan still looks displeased but he nods and turns back to the chemistry set. Warren turns away, goes over to Andrew.)
Warren: (quietly) He's almost done. (shot of Jonathan working)
Andrew: I sorta feel ... kinda sorry for him.
Warren: (glares at him) That's a weakness.
Andrew: (uncertain) Um ... okay.
Warren: Look at him. (shot of Jonathan working, frowning)
Andrew: He's got that same look on his face, the one he had that time I highlighted in his Babylon 5 novels. (He smiles at the memory, suddenly realizes something.) Right before he told his mother on me! Warren! I don't think we can trust him.
Warren: We don't have to. Not for that much longer.
Andrew: Is it gonna be that soon?
Warren: The milk. In the fridge. How long 'til it expires?
Andrew: Well, we got it on Friday, and I remember noticing there wasn't a full two weeks on it, (Warren rolling his eyes) but we did get it in the fridge pretty quick, unless I'm thinking of the two-percent milk...
Warren: (annoyed) Forget it. It was a thing. (explaining) It's gonna be soon.
Andrew: (pretending to get it) Oh. Wow.
(They nod at each other.)
(Xander’s Apartment – Night)
(Xander enters from the hallway, closes the door behind him, turns around, sees something and stops. Reveal Anya sitting at the table. She stands up quickly.)
Xander: Oh my god. (He walks quickly toward her. She backs away, twisting her hands nervously.) How are you?
Anya: Ducky. You?
Xander: (holding out a hand toward her) Ahn. (sighs) Please. Let me, uh, explain. (Anya watches him, still fidgeting with her hands and looking nervous.) I know there's nothing that I can say or do to make up for what I did. I can't. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I'm like, 'oh god, is this my life? Was that me?'
Anya: (softly) Me too.
Xander: But you gotta believe me, please. I want to make up for it. I want to take away the hurt. (small sigh) I love you so much. (Anya looks touched, seems to be softening up a bit.) (embarrassed smile) I, I may have practiced that a couple times in front of the mirror.
Anya: I just ... don't understand what happened.
Xander: I do. I'm an idiot. All I had to do was say something earlier. (Anya looks surprised) I could have spared you from that ... that nightmare.
(Through this speech Anya begins to frown and look hurt again. She backs away a few steps and folds her arms.)
Anya: Said something about what?
Xander: (makes "uh-oh" face) No, no! I mean, you know, if I were, like, more ... self-aware. Because, with the whole idiot thing.
Anya: (arms still folded, angrily) If you had been more self-aware, you would have what? (Xander looking alarmed) Been able to stop the wedding?
Xander: No no, it's not like that, that's not what... (pauses, frustrated sigh) Okay, see, I didn't practice this part.
Anya: (firmly) Do you still want to get married? (Close on Xander's face. He hesitates, looks unsure. Anya looks upset.) Oh.
Xander: Ahn, it's a very complicated question.
Anya: (getting teary) No, actually, it's really not. It's kind of an either-or deal. Do you want to get married?
Xander: Someday, yes, very much. When we're ready. (Anya looking very hurt.) I don't want you to take this as a bad thing. It's good. (Anya looking resigned, annoyed.) I love you, I love you so much, I'm just trying to be honest with you.
Anya: (angry) Yes, honesty *now*. Congratulations, Xander, on being honest now. I wonder what the medal will say.
Xander: (confused) Okay, clearly I'm not handling this well.
Anya: (yelling) Well, duh!
(She turns away, walks a few steps away. Xander walks a few steps toward her. Shot of both with Anya in foreground, her back to Xander, arms crossed and looking angry; Xander in background.)
Xander: All I want is for us to be together. I love you, I ... I wish we could just go back to the way things were before.
(Anya's face slowly morphs into her demon face.)
Anya: (demon voice) And I wish you were never born!
Xander: I know this is all coming out wrong.
(Anya morphs back into human face, frowning in confusion. She turns around to look at Xander.)
Anya: (angry) I wish you felt the pain of a thousand searing pokers boiling your heart in its own juices!
Xander: I know, honey. I totally deserve that.
Anya: (confused) I ... I wish you had tentacles where your beady eyes should be! I wish your intestines were tied in knots and ripped apart inside your lousy gut!
Xander: (sadly) They are.
Anya: (hopeful) Really? (Xander nods) Right now? Does it hurt?
Xander: God, yes. It hurts so bad it's killing me. Anya ... I love you, I want to make this work.
Anya: (annoyed) Those are metaphor intestines! You're not in any real pain! What's wrong with me?
Xander: No, honey, it's not you, it's me. That-
Anya: (frustrated) Ohh!!
(She shoves past him and goes storming toward the door.)
Xander: Ahn! Ahn! Wait. Please. (Anya yanks the door open and exits. Xander goes to the door and stands in the doorway, looking down the hall at her.) Ahn!
Halfrek: (vo) So there was no child support in, like, eleven years...
(Restaurant – Day)
(Halfrek and Anya sit at a table. Halfrek holds a coffee cup. Anya is fiddling with a yellow flower, not really listening to Halfrek.)
Halfrek:...not a single check, so now, every time he picks up a piece of paper that isn't a check for the child? Paper cut. (She laughs cheerfully. Anya is oblivious.) Oh, you know how I hate to toot my own horn ... but now his hands are just covered in all these tiny little bandages. (smiling) Like a quilt. (chuckles) You know, made of bandages.
(Halfrek looks over at Anya, finally notices that she isn't paying attention. Anya looks up.)
Anya: Hmm?
Halfrek: Okay, do they not teach listening skills in Human World? (puts down coffee cup)
Anya: I'm sorry. I know. (puts the flower back into its vase on the table) I'm just distracted.
Halfrek: What, about this thing with Xander? Don't worry, you'll figure out a way to-
Anya: No, that's just it, I've tried everything. I tried every curse I knew, nothing's worked.
Halfrek: Wait. Did you try to curse him yourself?
Anya: Yeah, I am the wronged party here, of course I-
Halfrek: You can't exact justice against someone on behalf of yourself, silly! (laughs) How long have you been away?
Anya: I haven't been scorned by a man in, like, a thousand years. I never had to make a wish for myself. There has to be some way around that.
Halfrek: Well ... (thinks) You could try getting someone to make the wish for you. I suppose.
(Anya stares at her, contemplating this. A very small smile appears on her face.)
(Summers Residence – Kitchen)
Dawn: Uh ... did we open a chain? (Close shot on the island set with two place settings, bowls of fruit, four bottles of syrup. Reveal Buffy standing by the stove holding a spatula and frying pan. Several cereal boxes lined up on the counter.) Are we the International House of something?
Buffy: Nope. Got up early, and it felt like a breakfast kind of morning. (puts pancakes from the pan onto a plate) Okay, what kind of syrup do you want on your pancakes?
Dawn: (amazed) Syrups have kinds?
Buffy: Oh! Also, you know, I was thinking, (turns away to put the pan in the sink) after the mall yesterday, maybe we, we shouldn't go out tonight, you know, maybe we could stay in and, uh, (taking toast from the toaster) ow ... um, you know, get a pizza, or, uh, rent a movie?
Dawn: Um...
Buffy: (putting plateful of toast on the island) Also, I didn't know if, you know, if you had plans this weekend, (turns to grab the cereal boxes) but I thought, maybe we could...
Dawn: Hey, Buffy? (Buffy pauses, looking at Dawn, with a large armful of cereal boxes.) I'm gonna be okay with the basement thing. Really. You weren't you.
Buffy: (quietly) This isn't guilt. I want us to spend time.
Dawn: Okay. Good. I love spending time-
Buffy: (realizing) But I'm cramping your teenage style.
Dawn: No-
Buffy: Yes, I am. (alarmed) I'm the embarrassing mom who tries too hard. When did this happen?
Dawn: (smiling) No, you're not, it's not that, it's just ... what if, instead of you hanging out with me? Maybe I could hang out with you. (Buffy stares blankly, not getting it.) Why don't I come patrolling with you tonight?
Buffy: Oh. And then? Maybe we can invite over some strangers and ask them to feed you candy.
Dawn: Well, you guys went out patrolling every night when you were my age.
Buffy: True ... but technically, you're one-and-a-half. (Dawn gives her patented adolescent exasperated look.) See, I thought a little levity might ... but okay, also no.
Dawn: I just ... I just think I could help.
Buffy: I'm sure you could. But it's a little more dangerous than I had in mind.
Dawn: But-
Buffy: Dawn, I work very hard to keep you away from that stuff. Okay, I don't want you around dangerous things that can kill you.
Dawn: Which would be a perfectly reasonable argument, if my sister was chosen to protect the world from tax audits? But, see, my sister is you, and ... dangerous things that want to kill me seem to find me.
Buffy: But you don't need to go looking for them. (Beat. Dawn gives Buffy a pleading look.) Now eat up. You're gonna be late for school.
(Buffy turns back to the stove. Dawn sighs quietly and sits down.)
(Espresso Pump)
Tara: (os) Okay, wait, it was under her wig?
(Pan across various customers to reveal Tara and Willow sitting at a table with cups of coffee. Both smiling as Willow tells the story of the old lady in episode "Double Meat Palace.")
Willow: Well, it was this thing, it just came out from inside her head.
Tara: That's disgusting! What did it look like?
Willow: Well, let's put it this way, if I wasn't gay before...
Tara: (laughing) God, and this was *after* the invisible ray?
Willow: Yep.
Tara: Okay, I'm gone for a couple of months-
Willow: Oh, did I tell you about the demon eggs?
Tara: See, now, now I know you're just trying to make me jealous.
Willow: (grinning) So, what, no rollicking adventures in the dorms?
Tara: (quieter) Mm, it's not the same. It's not like living with a house full of family, or sharing a room with someone you...
Willow: ...are friends with?
(As they gaze at each other, Anya walks up.)
Anya: Hi.
Willow: Oh my god. You're back. (hugs Anya)
Tara: We've been so worried.
Anya: Yeah, sorry. I needed to, you know ... I couldn't stay here. Not after ... everything that happened.
Tara: No, no no, we, we totally understand.
Willow: But, you're back now, right?
Anya: It's complicated. (sits) You know, and there's a lot to deal with.
Willow: Well, if there's anything we can do, just let us-
Anya: Actually ... um ... there is an eensy something I could use a little help with. You're lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy. (Willow and Tara look at each other in puzzlement.)(cheerfully) Let's talk about Xander.
(The Magic Box)
Dawn: He feels awful.
Anya: You think it's anywhere close to what I feel?
Dawn: No, but-
Anya: What if it were you, Dawn? What if ... all you dreamed about was that magical day? (Dawn looking chastised) The day when the one person you loved with all your soul would promise to cherish and protect your heart for the rest of his life, but instead he shatters it into a million jagged pieces?
(Espresso Pump)
Tara: Well, it's, it's not really so much about hating the men.
Willow: We're more centered around the ... (smirking) girl on girl action. (Tara grins.)
Anya: And men really like to watch that kind of stuff, don't they? Men like Xander.
(Summers Residence – Front Porch)
(Anya and Buffy stand on the front porch, leaning against the two pillars on either side of the door, facing each other.)
Buffy: I don't think he could feel any worse.
Anya: Let's test that theory.
Buffy: Anya, Xander's my friend. I know what he did was wrong, and ... if it had happened to me, I'd-
Anya: (hopefully) Wish his penis would explode?
(The Magic Box)
Dawn: I never use that word anymore.
Anya: Coagulate?
Dawn: W-i-s-h.
Anya: Oh, wish! As in 'I wish Xander-'
Dawn: Right! That word. There's vengeance demons out there that are still active, remember? Any 'I wish' could totally end in horrible grossness.
Anya: Gimme a for-instance?
(Summers Residence – Front Porch)
Buffy: I don't really think I should.
Anya: Did I mention the whole 'left at the altar' thing? Didn't leave that out, did I?
Buffy: No. (shakes head) Look, I - I know what he did was wrong. God, if it happened to me, I ... I-I, it must have been torture.
Anya: (excited) Okay! Let's talk about torture!
(The Magic Box)
(Dawn looks very dubious.)
Anya: So. Tell me more about wishing Xander's brains and guts would go blooey.
Dawn: I didn't say that.
Anya: Yes you did.
Dawn: No I didn't.
Anya: I heard you.
Dawn: I swear, I didn't say that.
Anya: Didn't say what?
Dawn: Um ... I just saw you were back and wanted to talk to you about working off my debt. (nervous chuckle) You know, my whole sticky-fingers, grabby-hands thing?
Anya: Oh, right, the mad thieving! Good, yes, there 's much to do. (mock stern) I'm gonna put you to work, missy! (She gives a fake laugh. Dawn continues to look dubiously at her.) So, back to Xander's brains and guts...
(Summers Residence – Front Porch)
(Now Anya and Buffy are sitting on the step.)
Anya: Squish squish squish! Guys have been running roughshod over you for years. (Buffy nodding, pouting, reluctantly agreeing) Torturing that perky little ticker. Aren't you sick of it? Don't you wish guys like that-
Buffy: Whoa. Guys? There have only been four - three! Three! Three guys. That's barely plural.
Anya: And didn't each of them rip your heart out? Don't men like that, as to pick an example, Xander, deserve to be punished?
(Espresso Pump)
Willow: Well, Xander is a guy, so ... (Tara looking confused) it's kinda not the surprise that he likes to watch ... girls ... Why are we talking about this?
Anya: (annoyed) We're comforting me!
Tara: Well, I-I guess it's ... natural for guys to be interested in-
Anya: God! What kind of lesbians are you?! If you love men so much, go love men!
(Anya jumps up and grabs her to-go coffee cup, storms off.)
(Summers Residence – Front Porch)
(Anya has stood up there too and started to storm off.)
Buffy: Anya, I know you're hurting, but-
Anya: What? Xander doesn't deserve to suffer for what he did 'cause he's your friend, and I'm not, right? I get it.
Buffy: No. That's not what I'm saying at all. What he did was wrong. He knows that.
Anya: (upset) It just, it hurts. He hurt me so much.
Buffy: (gets up) He really did. (puts hand on Anya's arm) Look, I-I wish that...
Xander: (os) Anya?
(Xander walks up. Buffy and Anya look at him.)
Anya: (angry) Well, congratulations. They all still love you. Even after what you did to me.
(She starts to walk off. Xander starts to follow, but Buffy grabs him.)
Xander: Anya, wait...
Buffy: Okay. Not, not crazy about that idea.
Xander: What are you doing? I have to go after her.
Buffy: Or, in the land of the sane, you could give her some space, let her cool down.
Xander: (frustrated) That's not Proactive Guy. (pacing) That's Sit-Around-And ... Watch-The-Rest-of-Your-Life-To-Turn-To-Crap Guy.
(As Xander paces, we get a shot of the tree on the front lawn. There are a few straggly plants around the tree's base, and a little ceramic garden gnome nestled among the plants.)
Buffy: True, uh, but at least Crap Guy gets to keep all of his appendages.
Xander: And I'm supposed to what? Walk away? (Buffy looking sympathetic) Shouldn't be too hard. It's what I'm good at, right?
(Xander kicks out in frustration, smashing the garden gnome.)
Buffy: Okay, see, that's exactly why a heart-to-heart is probably not your best course of action right now. (Xander still pacing) When you're both angry and upset and ... what the hell is that creepy little thing doing in my yard? (She walks forward, looking down at the bits of gnome. Xander looks at them too.) Did Willow put that there when I was dead? 'Cause if I had known, I would have crawled out of the grave sooner to-
Xander: Buffy.
(They both kneel beside the gnome's head. We can clearly see a tiny camera inside it. Xander picks it up.)
Buffy: Oh my god.
Xander: Looks like someone's been keeping an eye on all your ins and outs.
Buffy: What the who?
Xander: Well, now, let's see. Who's obsessed with Buffy? Who likes to hang out in her yard and keep an eye on her? Who's in love with you and not getting any?
(Buffy looks grim.)
(Spike’s Crypt)
Spike: What's this?
(Spike is holding the camera up to look at it as Buffy stands confronting him.)
Buffy: It's a camera.
Spike: Yeah, I got that part. Why am I holding it?
Buffy: Someone was using it to spy on me. On my house. (Spike frowning) Xander thinks it's you.
Spike: Oh, the great Xander thinks so! Shudder gasp! It must be true!
Buffy: Spike-
Spike: That ponce has always had it for me. Every chance he gets, he sticks it- (He pauses, looking at Buffy. He gets outraged.) You believe him, don't you? You think I was spying on you. (Buffy doesn't answer.) You think I could do that?
Buffy: Because you don't lie or cheat or steal or manipulate...
(Spike gives her back the camera.)
Spike: (quietly) I don't hurt you.
(He walks a few steps away.)
Buffy: I know.
Spike: No, you don't. I've tried to make it clear to you, but you won't see it. (pauses) Something happened to me. The way I feel ... about you ... it's different. And no matter how hard you try to convince yourself it isn't, it's real.
Buffy: I think it is. (Beat. He looks at her.) For you. (She turns to walk away. Spike looks hurt. Buffy pauses by the door, turns back.) I know that's not what you want to hear. I'm sorry. I really am. But, Spike, you have to move on. You have to get over-
Spike: (softly) Get out.
(Buffy looks grim, turns and leaves.)
(The Magic Box)
(Anya stands behind the counter talking to Halfrek, who is on the other side of the counter sitting on a stool.)
Anya: No! They're all, 'oh, poor Xander! It took so much out of him, all that running away he did.' I just don't understand what's wrong with these people.
Halfrek: Did you really think they were the ones who would help you?
Anya: Well, but-
Halfrek: Do you want retribution, Anyanka?
Anya: I want Xander good and cursed.
Halfrek: Then you know what you have to do.
Anya: Get a wish from someone who doesn't freaking love him.
Halfrek: Exactly.
Anya: Yeah, but my social circle is a little limited here. What am I supposed to do, just stumble upon someone who doesn't give a fig's ass if Xander gets hurt?
(The bell over the magic shop door jingles as Spike enters. He slams the door shut and strides toward Anya.)
Spike: Hey. I need a thing.
(Zoom in on Anya as she gazes speculatively at him.)
Anya: So. What's your pleasure?
Spike: Fresh of out of pleasure. That's why I'm here. (sighs) I need something. Numbing spell, maybe.
Anya: (fake smile) Uh huh. Hang on.
(Halfrek smiles and gets up as Anya walks to the end of the counter. Halfrek moves that way too so they can talk privately. We see that Anya is wearing a red skirt, matching red tank-top, and matching red cardigan.)
Anya: (quietly, smiling) Oh my God. Spike *hates* Xander. Maybe I could get him to wish ... dammit, if only he were a woman. (thinks) Got it! If I can somehow get someone to wish that Spike were a woman, then I could go to him - well, he'd be a her by then - then I could go to her -
Halfrek: Anyanka. There's an easier way. Now, I know you have this whole female-power, Take Back the Night thing, I think that's cute. But I've been telling you for decades - men need a little vengeance now and then, too.
Anya: Oh. (looks over at Spike)
Halfrek: Maybe this is a good chance to try it out. (She gives a cheerful little wave at Spike and heads for the door.) Good luck with that. Ta-ta!
(She leaves. Anya smiles nervously at Spike.)
Spike: Sorry to bust up the little girls' night out.
Anya: (walking toward him) That's okay. I'm ready to do some business.
Spike: Right then. Got something that'll dull the ache a bit?
Anya: (smiling) Actually, yes. (walks back behind the counter) Um, Giles left a couple of supplies here, and I think ... this might help. (She bends over, begins rummaging in the cabinet under the cash register.) Eases the hurt ... makes the sun shine a little brighter, (Spike frowning) even makes boring people seem more interesting. Ah. Here.
(She produces a bottle of whiskey and puts it on the counter-top with a clank. Spike grins.)
(Summers Residence – Dining Room)
(Close shot on a table strewn with various colored wires. The camera from the garden gnome sits there with several wires attached. A hand attaches another wire to it. We see a laptop computer next to the camera. Pan up to reveal Buffy sitting at the other end of the table.)
Buffy: How's it coming? Can you see who's getting the camera's signal?
(Reveal Willow sitting in front of the computer. Xander stands beside the table.)
Willow: Should have something once I get tapped into the fiber-optic network. We're gonna use the feedback relay to, uh, get their signal routed into our system.
Xander: Okay, if it's not Spike, and I'm, I'm not saying I believe him ... but if it's not Spike, I think we already know who's behind this.
Willow: (typing) Makes sense.
Buffy: (grimly) I want. To find. These guys.
(The Geek’s Lair)
(Green, blue, yellow liquids bubble in the chemistry set. Jonathan lights a red candle on the table next to the chemistry stuff. Warren and Andrew stand watching. We see that there's an old map spread out on the floor a few feet away. Jonathan holds a short wooden rod with the magic disk attached to the end of it. He positions it in front of the candle and sprinkles some powder over the disk. Close shot on the disk as the powder makes it glow red-hot and give off purple smoke.)
Jonathan: Uncover. (A beam of purple light shoots from the candle, through the disk, and onto the map. We see that the map is labeled "Map of Sunnydale." The light lands on a single point on the map.) There. That's it. That's where we have to go.
Warren: Well, now that we've found out where we're supposed to go-
(Suddenly the map bursts into flame where the beam of light is touching it. They all yell.)
Jonathan: Yah!
(Jonathan screams and runs off.)
(The Magic Box)
(Spike is sitting on the stool beside the counter, Anya still standing behind the counter. They both have shot glasses and are in the process of drinking the shots.)
Spike: (angrily) So then, this girl says, "real for *you*."
Anya: Right. But getting back to Xander...
Spike: (scornful) Xander. Let's not waste any more breath on that wanker.
Anya: But he made a fool of me. And nobody seems to care enough to do anything!
Spike: I care. What he done to you? I've never stooped that low, and I'm an 'evil, soulless thing.' (bitterly) According to some people.
Anya: But shouldn't he pay? Don't you wish he had to pay in some horrible way?
Spike: Absolutely. (He picks up the whiskey bottle and his shot glass, turns to walk over to the round table in the middle of the room.) Take him on myself, if it wasn't for my little handicap. (gesturing at his head)
(Anya comes out from behind the counter, bringing her glass.)
Anya: Right. (sits) So ... hypothetically, what do you wish you could do to him? (Spike pouring fresh shots for both of them)
Spike: You name it, pet. You're the wronged party. Something, uh... (lifts his glass) gruesome, how 'bout?
(Spike drinks. Anya maintains her fake-cheerful smile, drinks also.)
(The Geek’s Lair)
(Andrew and Warren are stomping on the fire trying to put it out. Jonathan runs in with a fire extinguisher. Warren grabs a blanket off the sofa and tosses it on the fire trying to smother it. He and Andrew continue stomping.)
Jonathan: Hey! That's my blanket!
Warren: Well, makes sense, it was your fire.
(Behind Warren's head we see a red light-bulb suddenly light up.)
(Summers Residence – Dining Room)
(Willow still working on her laptop.)
Willow: Hey hey, I think I've got something.
(Buffy and Xander, now both sitting, look over at her.)
(The Magic Box)
(Spike and Anya sit facing each other on the bench next to the round table. Anya gestures wildly with the bottle. She has removed her cardigan sweater and now just wears the red tank top over her red skirt.)
Anya: (angrily) Thing about it is, none of this was my idea. (disgusted) I didn't ask to be human. (pouring)
Spike: Right! And I didn't ask for this bloody chip in my head.
Anya: To tell you the truth ...(puts bottle down) all I wanted was to use him and lose him. I hadn't had a good tumble in a thousand years...
Spike: (grinning) Me too. The using part. I just wanted to know what I was missing, move on.
Anya: (maudlin) Yeah ... and he was ... all bumpy ... in the right places. And nice to me...
(She trails off, looking wistful. Spike looks the same way.)
Spike: (softly) She was so raw. I've never felt anything like it.
Anya: Next thing you know ... I'm changing to please him. (a little more upset) I care if he cares!
Spike: (nodding) Right.
Anya: And I'm off my guard. Happy! I'm singing in the shower and doing my sexy dance?!
Spike: Exactly. (pauses) I ... have no dance.
(He looks sternly at Anya as if to make sure she's buying it. She nods, but frowns a little.)
(Summers Residence – Dining Room)
(Willow continues typing.)
Buffy: Talk to me, Will.
Willow: Technology's pretty sophisticated, lots of booby traps and firewall stuff... (shot of the screen showing a "radar" diagram of concentric circles)
Buffy: But can you get us a location?
Willow: Well, hey, I'm still me. Just one - whoa.
Buffy: What?
Willow: There are other cameras.
(The Magic Box)
(Anya is now sitting on the table.)
Anya: Screw 'em!
Spike: To the rafters!
They clink their glasses together and drink.
Anya: I did everything for that man. Was it ever enough?
Spike: Never! (slurred) I was always going above and beyond. I saved the Scoobies how many times? And I can't stand the lot of you.
Anya: Me either! I hate us! Everybody's so *nice.* Nobody says what's on their mind.
Spike: You do. That's why you're the only one of them I wouldn't bite if I had the chance.
Anya: (giggles, pleased) Really?
Spike: Absolutely. I have nothing but respect for a woman who is forthright. Drusilla was always straightforward. Didn't have a single buggering clue about what was going on in front of her, (Anya giggling) but she was straight about it. That's a virtue.
Anya: Mm. Xander didn't think so. He thought I was rude.
Spike: (like 'duh') That's because he's one of them. Uptight. Repressed. (makes "uptight" gesture with one finger)
Anya: (frowning) You think?
Spike: Please. It's no wonder they couldn't deal with the likes of you and me, luv. We should have been dead hundreds of years ago ... and we're the only ones who are really alive.
(Anya smiles, gazing down at him. He looks up at her. They both smile at each other.)
(Summers Residence – Dining Room)
(On Willow's laptop screen we can see a tiny image of the exterior of the Double-Meat Palace.)
Willow: Oh my god, the Double Meat Palace? (image changes) The Bronze? My classes on campus...
(Close on the screen showing an overhead shot of a UC Sunnydale hallway. Then it changes to an image of a deserted construction site.)
Willow: (os) Xander's site... (Xander looks surprised)
Buffy: What?!
Xander: They've been spying on all these places?
Willow: I can tell there are more feeds, I, I'm just having a harder time pinpointing 'em. Here, lemme... (typing)
(The Magic Box)
(Anya is sitting on the bench again, closer to Spike than before. The bottle is nearly empty. Spike picks it up with a sigh, pours the last of it into one shot glass.)
Spike: Here. (picks up glass, holds it toward her) Ladies last.
Anya: (gazing sentimentally at him) Thank you.
Spike: Take it quick or my chivalry'll run out.
Anya: No ... (puts her hand on Spike's) thank you. (Spike frowns a little, puts the glass down, moves a little closer to her.) This is the first time since ... (shrugs) It feels good to be with someone who understands.
Spike: (softly) Intimately. (sighs)
Anya: This whole time, I've been coming on all ... hell-bent and mad. Wanting his head, you know?
Spike: Yeah.
Anya: When, really, I ... (tearfully) can't sleep at night, thinking it ... has to be my fault, somehow...
Spike: (shakes his head) Shh...
Anya: (crying) What if it was just pretending? What if he never wanted me ... the way I wanted him? (She snaps out of it a little, shakes her head.) Ohh. I'm sorry.
Spike: Now now. (He gently brushes some hair out of Anya's face, then cups her cheek in his hand.) He would have to be more than just the git he is, Anya. He'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to want a woman like you.
Anya: (whispers) Then why?
Spike: (looks away, sadly) The two of them ... they're weak, is all. (pauses) But, I'll tell you what, though. (continues stroking Anya's face) They'll, uh, miss the water now that the well's gone dry.
(Now Spike has his fingers under Anya's chin and she leans her face into his hand.)
Anya: (quietly) Too hot to handle.
Spike: Too hot...
(He leans forward, very close. Leans his forehead against hers.)
Anya: Um ... just-just one more question.
Spike: Hmm?
Anya: (very softly) Can I see your sexy dance?
Spike: (small grin) I'll show you mine...
(He moves as if to kiss her.)
Anya: Wait. Wait. (very soft whisper) What are we doing?
Spike: Moving on.
(They kiss passionately.)
(Summers Residence – Dining Room)
Willow: Here, I think there are a couple more transmitters on the network, I just ... ucch, I've almost got a picture on 'em.
(The Magic Box)
(Spike and Anya still kissing. Then she pushes back a little.)
Anya: You know I'm only doing this 'cause I'm ... I'm lonely and drunk and you ... smell really good.
Spike: See? Forthright.
(She grins and nods, and they resume kissing.)
(The Geek’s Lair)
(The red light continues flashing, now accompanied by a loud alarm noise. The geeks look over in alarm.)
Warren: Ahh!
Andrew: It tapped into our feed, something's wrong!
(They all run toward the bank of computers along one wall.)
(The Magic Box)
(Kissing continues as Anya climbs onto Spike's lap, straddling him. He pushes his hands up underneath her shirt and pushes the shirt up, revealing a black bra.)
(The Geek’s Lair)
(The geeks still racing for the computers. Jonathan still holds the fire extinguisher.)
(The Magic Box)
(Spike sweeps a pile of stuff (including the empty liquor bottle) off the table with one arm. Then retreats out of shot so all we see is the bare table. Then Spike's hands place Anya on the table, now wearing just her black bra and short red skirt. She lies back on the table panting. Then Spike moves on top of her, between her legs. They resume kissing.)
(Summers Residence – Dining Room)
Willow: I think I've got the Magic Box. (She continues typing and looking at the screen.) Whoa!
(She stands up quickly, staring at the screen.)
(The Geek’s Lair)
(Close on the multiple keyboards sitting on the table, multiple hands typing frantically.)
Warren: (os) Shut it down, shut it *all* down!
(Shot of the monitors with various windows flashing chaotically across the screens.)
Andrew: I'm trying, I can't find --
Jonathan: (reaching across Warren to Andrew's keyboard) Here, dorkface-
Andrew: I'll get it myself-
Warren: Guys, we have to - oh, holy crap.
(They all freeze, staring at one monitor. Close on the monitor showing a full-color view of Spike and Anya having sex on the table in the Magic Box. The geeks stare, dropping their hands from the keyboards.)
Jonathan: Oh my god.
Warren: What is that, p-porn?
(We get another shot of the screen as the action heats up, the kissing becomes more frantic.)
Jonathan: Oh my god.
Warren: Is that the cam in the Magic Box?
Jonathan: Oh my god.
Andrew: What are they ... ohh.
Warren: Is that-
Jonathan: Spike.
Andrew: (riveted) He is so cool. (glances at the others, self-consciously) And, I mean, the girl is hot too.
Warren: (shaking his head) Dude.
(They all continue to watch intently.)
(The Magic Box)
(The kissing and such continues. Pan over to a nearby display case where a human skull is sitting. The camera in its eye is clearly visible.)
(Summers Residence – Dining Room)
(Buffy and Xander, alarmed by Willow's reaction, get up and come over to look at the screen.)
Willow: Wait, Xander, no.
Xander: (looks) Oh, god.
(Buffy stares at the screen, looks over at Xander, back to the screen. Close on the screen. It's monochrome unlike the Geeks' setup, but the image of Spike and Anya kissing and writhing on the table is quite clear. Shot of Buffy and Xander both watching in horror. Sound of a door opening. Dawn enters through the front door, closes it, sees the others in the dining room and walks that way.)
Dawn: Hey guys. What's up?
(Dawn walks over to them as Buffy and Xander are staring at the screen and Willow staring at them. Dawn looks at the screen and gasps. Willow quickly puts her hand over Dawn's eyes.)
Willow: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Xander: I ... what is she...
(Willow looks at Xander with concern, then at Buffy. Close on Buffy looking, if anything, even more upset than Xander. Close on the screen as the action continues.)
Willow: Buffy?
(Dawn and Willow stare at Buffy.)
Buffy: That's enough.
(Buffy storms out. Willow and Dawn exchange a look. Xander walks off in a daze. Willow snaps out of it, a little.)
Willow: (sits) Here, lemme just... (typing) (Shot of Buffy's back as she heads toward the kitchen and the back door.) You know, we, we aren't even really sure what we're just seeing here, there could be something- (Dawn rolls her eyes, follows Buffy.) There, got it. (Sound of a door closing (back door) and one opening (front door). Willow looks up, realizes she's alone.) Xander?
(She gets up and goes to the foyer, finds the front door standing wide open. Willow goes into the living room, sees something. Zoom in on her face looking upset. Zoom in on the weapons chest that Xander made for Buffy. Its lid is open and the weapons are in disarray.)
(Street)
(Xander walks along, walking fast with a grim look on his face. Pan down to reveal the short-handled axe in his hand.)
(Summers Residence – Backyard)
(Buffy sits in one of the wooden lawn chairs, staring blankly. Dawn stands nearby, her arms folded across her chest.)
Dawn: So. This is it? This is the stuff you've been protecting me from? You and Spike?
Buffy: And a lot of monsters.
Dawn: Uh-huh.
Buffy: But it's over. (Dawn sitting in the other chair) Spike.
Dawn: I wish you'd told me.
Buffy: I kinda didn't wanna admit it to myself.
Dawn: I get that. (Buffy continues staring at the ground.) I know it must hurt. To feel like you have to hide, to keep secrets from everybody?
(Buffy looks at Dawn, pensively. Willow bursts out the back door of the house.)
Willow: Buffy. Xander's gone. He took your axe.
(The Magic Box)
(Pan across the assorted stuff scattered on the floor. The bench is lying on its side. There's also a tipped-over chair with Anya's sweater hanging on it. Anya, wearing her tank top again, picks up the sweater. In background we see Spike fastening his belt. Anya has her back to him. He looks over at her. Close on Anya looking a little ashamed or embarrassed. Pan to Spike looking the same. Spike finishes with his belt and starts walking toward the door as Anya puts on her sweater, staring blankly into space. Spike pauses by the door and they both turn to face each other from across the room. Anya gives a little nod, and after a moment Spike nods back. He turns and opens the door, walks out.)
(Outside)
(Spike exits and immediately looks shocked at something directly in front of him. He dodges to the right and the short-handled axe plunges into the wall behind where he just was. Shot of Xander struggling to pull the axe free. Spike stares at him in some alarm. Xander gives up on the axe, grabs Spike by the front of his shirt and throws him down on the sidewalk. Shot of Buffy running around a corner farther down the street, running hard toward them. Xander picks Spike up and throws him against a pillar, grabs him and turns him around, punches him in the gut. Spike doubles over.)
Xander: Get up. Get up! (Spike glares up at him but doesn't move.) You're just gonna sit there? Do nothing? (Spike doesn't answer. Xander grabs him, pulls him to his feet and slams his head against the pillar.) That the kinda man you are?
Spike: I'm not gonna fight you. Chip.
(Xander knees him in the stomach. Spike groans and doubles over again.)
Xander: Too bad.
(Xander pulls a stake from his pocket, just as Anya opens the door and sees them.)
Anya: Xander, no! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! (Anya runs over, distracting Xander. She reaches him just as Buffy does, coming up behind him and shoving him aside. Xander pants and glares at Buffy. She pants and glares back.) Xander, I...
Xander: (panting) Don't even try to deny it. 'Cause I saw it all. The whole beautiful show.
Anya: How...? (Xander glares angrily at her.) It was just, it ... it was just a thing. I ... I felt bad, and he was just ... there.
Buffy: (to Spike) Didn't take long, did it? (Spike looking sourly at her)
Xander: (still yelling at Anya) Oh, oh, oh, okay! You had to do it. Because he was there. Like Mt. Everest. (upset) Like I used to be.
Anya: (angry) And then you weren't. You left *me,* Xander. At the altar. (yelling) I don't owe you anything.
Xander: So you go out and bang the first body you can find? Dead or alive?
Anya: Where do you get off judging me?!
Xander: When this is your solution to our problems. I hurt you, and you hit me back? Very mature.
Anya: No, the mature solution is for you to spend your whole life telling stupid, pointless jokes, so that no one will notice that you are just a scared, insecure little boy!
Xander: (bitterly) I'm not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. (pointing at Spike) You wanted me to feel something? (Anya looking chagrined) Congratulations, it worked. (Anya stares at him, looks like she might cry again.) I look at you ... and I feel sick. 'Cause you had sex with that. (points at Spike again)
(Anya looks down at the ground, hurt. Buffy looks a bit ashamed too.)
Spike: (quietly) It's good enough for Buffy.
Xander: (yells) Shut up and leave her out of...
(Xander stops as what Spike said sinks in. He and Anya stare at Buffy. Buffy looks all upset.)
Anya: Buffy?
Buffy: Xander...
Xander: (shaking his head, full of pain) I don't want to know this. (Shot of Xander's stake clattering on the ground.) I don't want to know any of this.
(He walks off. Buffy looks very upset, watches him go for a moment, then turns to glare at Spike. Spike just looks back at her, unapologetic. Buffy looks angry but resigned. She turns and follows Xander. Spike and Anya stand side-by-side watching Buffy go. Shot of Buffy's back as she walks away.)
Spike: Bloody Xander, mucking up everything. (looks sullen) You know, I wish-
Anya: Don't.
(Spike looks at her, a little surprised. Anya grimaces in self-disgust. They move off in opposite directions, Spike down the street, Anya back toward the shop. Another shot of Buffy still walking away.)
(The Magic Box)
(Anya walks into the store, stares unhappily at the mess. She slowly walks down the three steps into the main room, picks up the bench and rights it. Continues starting to clean the place up.)
Tara: (vo) Things fall apart. They fall apart so hard.
(Summers Residence – Willow’s Room)
(Willow is lying on the bed with some homework, but looking in surprise at the doorway. She sits up on the edge of the bed.)
Willow: Tara?
(Reveal Tara in the doorway, leaning against the door frame.)
Tara: You can't ever ... (sighs) put them back the way they were.
Willow: Are you okay?
Tara: I'm sorry, it's just ... (deep sigh) You know, it takes time. (walking into the room) You can't just ... have coffee and expect-
Willow: (guilty) I know.
(Long shot of the two of them -- Willow sitting, Tara standing -- with a considerable distance separating them.)
Tara: There's just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides ... (Willow looking upset.) You have to learn if ... if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives. (Willow continues looking at Tara, sadly.) It's a long... important process, and ... can we just skip it? Can-can you just be kissing me now?
(Willow looks hopeful, then delighted as the words sink in. She smiles widely, jumps up. Tara meets her halfway and they kiss passionately.)