Him
(Xander’s Apartment – Night)
(Xander's showing his apartment to his new roommate, seeming somewhat peeved.)
Xander: You're gonna live in that small room over there. I know it looks like a closet, but it's a room now. (Buffy and Dawn follow Xander into the apartment.) You're not gonna touch my food. I take the first shower in the morning, and if I use up all the hot water, (show Spike standing at the doorway) that's your tough noogies. (to Buffy) And I hate this plan. (to Spike) Are you keeping up, or do you need some kind of English-to-ConstantPainInMyAss translation?
Buffy: (leans forward to remind Xander) Invitation.
Xander: (to Buffy) Is there something more emphatic than hate? Can I revile the plan? Fine. (to Spike) I invite you in. (Spike enters) Nimrod. (stands in front of his closet)
Spike: Don't want your soddin' food anyway.
Xander: (to Buffy) I just don't understand when his problems became your problems—more specifically mine.
Buffy: The school basement is making him crazy. We can't just leave him there.
Xander: Why not? Crazy-Basement-Guy is better than Stalking-Buffy-Guy.
(Spike looks down, ashamed.)
Dawn: It's true. You guys aren't... You're not starting up again with the whole—
Buffy: No. A thousand gallons of no. OK, it's just—things are different now—he has a soul.
Xander: I'm sure that'll be a real comfort when he soulfully attacks you again.
Dawn: Yeah, what does that mean exactly—that Spike is all soul-having?
Buffy: I don't know, but he's been through a lot, OK, and nobody's attacking—
(Spike walks forward and touches Buffy's arm. She's startled.)
Spike: Buffy— Sorry.
Buffy: No, it's me. I-I just—
Spike: I'll go. This can't work.
Buffy: It will. I-it already is. OK, you know, you've been out of the basement for half an hour, and you've already stopped talking to invisible people.
Spike: Bollocks.
Buffy: OK, so there was that one episode in the car, but—
Spike: No, bollocks to the whole thing. I don't need your mollycoddling.
Buffy: It's not coddling. Now go to your closet.
(She leaves and Dawn follows. Spike sighs.)
(Sunnydale High – Football Field – Day)
(Football players are practicing while Buffy and Dawn talk on the bleachers. It's a pretty, sunny day.)
Dawn: So, what is it?
Buffy: What's what?
Dawn: Last night, you said you weren't helping Spike out of pity. What is it?
Buffy: It's a good question. (sips her drink through a straw)
Dawn: Is sitting there drinking soda some kind of a Zen non-answer?
Buffy: (puts sunglasses on top of her head) No, I just... I don't know what I'm feeling. I think I can't stand him, but sometimes...
Dawn: You love him?
Buffy: No. I—I feel for him.
Dawn: Feel what, exactly?
Buffy: (shakes her head) Dawn...
Dawn: No, I'm—I'm just trying to understand. I mean, none of it makes sense. First you say Spike disgusts you, but secretly you two are doing it like bunnies. And then Spike says he'd die for you, but he tries to rape you.
Buffy: (sighs) For the record, Spike knew how wrong it was. That's why he went away.
Dawn: But to get a soul? Like that would make him a better man? Xander had a soul when he stood Anya up at the altar. And now he says he still wants her? I just don't think it's the school basement that's making people crazy.
Buffy: (sighs) I should really get back. You comin' with? (gathers her things)
Dawn: I just don't see why people bother. I mean, you put all this energy into chasing and having and brooding and— I just don't understand these relationships where you all do insane things.
Buffy: Bye, rant girl. (walks away)
Dawn: Well, you could, like, paint a beautiful mural on every ugly wall in the world, and then you could paint a beautiful mural on every ugly mural in the wor—
(Dawn spots the quarterback, a tall, slender, athletic blonde teenager, putting on his letterman jacket after practice. The theme song from "A Summer Place" plays in the background. She's mesmerized as he drinks from a squirt bottle and then douses his face with water from the bottle and walks off. She's watching him so intently, that she leans after him as he leaves, causing her to lose balance and fall off the bleachers.)
(Anya’s Apartment)
(Buffy's using her battleaxe to fight a demon in Anya's apartment. The place is completely trashed. Anya's on the floor in the corner, crawling.)
Anya: Maybe I'm not even the right Anyanka. Ever think about that? There's tons of Anyanka's out there. Maybe one of them pissed off this, uh— what did you say his name was? D'Hoffryneffer...
(Buffy and the demon continue to fight until Buffy finally hurls the battleaxe at him, and it lands in his chest, killing him.)
Buffy: Good thing I stopped by and heard screaming. (helps Anya up) So, I guess D'Hoffryn decided to take you out after all?
Anya: Yeah. He's, uh, not head of vengeance for nothing. (gets ice tray from the freezer) Well, thank you for the generous life-saving. Now please go away. (takes ice and dishtowel into the other room, picks up a knocked-over chair) Look, I don't need anyone's help. Or, OK, clearly I do, (sits in chair) but I don't want to need anyone's help, so stop helping. (starts making an ice pack with the ice and towel)
Buffy: I get it. After last week, you feel you need to be all renegade and broody. Taking yourself out of the loop—
Anya: I need to figure out who I am. (puts ice pack on her leg)
Buffy: Another, something bad is happening. I don't want my friends out there alone right now, OK?
Anya: Well, I-I guess you guys could use my help. Willow's not very good with the practical strategizing—except when she's evil. And Dawn—she's not really good for anything.
(Sunnydale High – Hallway)
(Dawn is pacing back and forth in front of the stairway, psyching herself up for something. Around the corner, the quarterback she saw earlier is talking with some friends: another male football player and two female cheerleaders, one of whom is on crutches. They are all standing in a circle in front of the lockers.)
Injured Cheerleader: You guys, I've been thinking about it, and I think I can still cheer. I mean, I could use a chair or we all could, like the Laker Girls.
Cheerleader: Oh, honey, you need to concentrate on getting better. Don't worry. We'll find a replacement for you tomorrow.
Injured Cheerleader: I just feel like I let you down.
Dawn: (walks up to their circle) Hey, R.J.
Cheerleader: Oh, Dawn.
RJ: Hey, Summers.
Dawn: (they don't let her in the circle) Um, so I-I-I was wondering. You had Mr. Gurin for English back at your old school, right?
RJ: We all did.
Dawn: I have him this year. (uneasy silence) What a drag.
RJ: I actually kinda liked him.
Dawn: Right! Right. No, no, I like him. It's just, you know, I meant drag in a good, fun way.
Jock: (ignoring Dawn) So, um, are the tryouts tomorrow? You're gonna make the new girls jump up and down a lot, right?
Cheerleader: God, gross! A vending machine fell on Cheryl and all you can think about is new cheerleaders?
(Despite the fact that these people are actively ignoring her, Dawn persists.)
Dawn: Hey, um, so, you know, I heard someone saying yesterday that we're gonna go all the way to the championships this year. In football.
RJ: Yeah, we actually have a good shot, considering we're a new team.
Jock: Yeah, well if you can get us past Highland, we've got a good shot.
RJ: Oh, like you could do better.
Jock: We'll see.
RJ: Wait, you actually think Coach'd start you at quarterback over me?
Jock: I'm just saying...
Dawn: (impassioned) The quarterback is like the most important member of the team. He is like the rudder that guides the ship.
RJ: Right. Could I give you a hand with that? (gesturing to the book bag of the girl on crutches)
Injured Cheerleader: Would you really? (hands her bag to R.J.)
Cheerleader: (catty) It's OK, she can do it herself.
RJ: Hey, we're all on the same team, all right?
(They all walk off without acknowledging Dawn.)
Dawn: (under her breath) Yeah, you're all on the team. (calls after them) We'll talk later, guys. That's cool.
(Summers Residence – Basement – Night)
(Dawn's going through boxes that are stored in the basement. Finally, she finds what she's looking for after going through a half-dozen boxes.)
(Sunnydale High – Gym – Day)
(They're holding cheerleading tryouts in the gym. There are a dozen or so girls trying out, all dressed in workout clothes, except Dawn, who's dressed in Buffy's old cheerleading uniform.)
Wannabe: (cheers) Gooooo Razorbacks! (does a somersault)
(R.J.'s friend, the same girl from the circle, is heading the cheerleader tryouts.)
Cheerleader: OK. Awesome. Thank you. Up next, we have—Dawn Summers. (Dawn walks to the open area) Nice outfit.
Dawn: (cheering badly) Razorbacks, razorbacks, we're gonna play, we got a secret weapon and his name is R.J. Hear us cheer, hear us yell, listen what we say, razorbacks, razorbacks, go R.J.!
(Dawn's cheering was abysmal. She tries to do a cartwheel at the end, but falls down on her butt. R.J. was there to watch the auditions, and seemed kind of embarrassed.)
Cheerleader: OK. Thank you. Very... spirited.
(Summers Residence – Upstairs – Night)
(Buffy's standing at a door. Dawn's obviously locked herself in the bathroom to hide from today's events. Dawn's sobbing audibly behind the door.)
Buffy: Come on, Dawnie. Come out. Dawn, sweetheart, it's not that bad.
Dawn: (opens door) How would you even know? R.J.'s never gonna notice me now.
Buffy: From what you said, I'm sure he already noticed you, I mean with the falling and the—(Dawn squeaks, closes door.) spirit. Spirit. They said you were spirited, right?
Dawn: Go away!
Buffy: Dawn... (Xander walks upstairs to find Buffy.)
Xander: Things are a lot better, I see.
Buffy: I don't think tonight's gonna be good for videos, Xand.
Xander: Right, with the wailing and the crying... Still better than a cozy evening with Spike. Shall I order a pizza? Don't teens in a snit like pizza?
Dawn: (opens door angrily) It is not a snit! I-I finally met him—they guy of my dreams, OK—and I blew it. R.J. hates me now.
(On the bathroom floor, Buffy sees her cheerleading outfit, shredded.)
Buffy: Dawn, what is that?
Dawn: Just the end of my life. (storms off to her room to cry more)
(Buffy collects her outfit.)
Xander: Remember when she used to have a crush on me? I miss the much cuter "me" crush.
(Dawn’s Room)
(Dawn is lying across her bed, listening to music. Buffy comes into her room, carrying her shredded cheerleading outfit. Xander follows.)
Buffy: You shredded my outfit.
Dawn: I'll buy you a new one.
Buffy: That's not the point. I don't want a new cheerleading outfit.
Xander: Now, now, let's not be hasty. (Buffy glares at him) Not the right time.
(Buffy hands shredded outfit to Xander and sits on bed beside Dawn.)
Buffy: Dawn, I'm sorry that you feel so bad. OK, but in the morning this won't seem so terrible. You don't even know this R.J. Not really.
Dawn: (sits up in the bed) I do know him. I know his soul.
Buffy: Really? Dawn, he wasn't even on your radar yesterday.
Xander: It's the jacket. It's true. Something about the big letter on the chest makes girls get all swoony and crushy. I saw it all the time in school. And you couldn't just pin any old felt letter to your coat and get play— (catches himself) not that I tried.
Dawn: It isn't a crush. It's love. I love R.J.
Buffy: Again, since yesterday. Dawn, it's awfully fast.
Dawn: (incensed) What? You're telling me I don't feel what I feel?
Buffy: No, of course not. I believe that you think it's real. It seems real... to you.
Dawn: You know what? Maybe I don't want advice from the Dysfunction Queen. You have no idea how I feel. You have no idea what real love is. Maybe if you did, you wouldn't make fun of me this way.
Buffy: Dawn, I'm not making fun of you.
Dawn: Just go. Leave me alone. (flops back down on the bed)
(Sunnydale High – Hallway – Day)
(The bell rings between classes. Dawn happens to be in the hallway near R.J.'s locker when R.J.'s jock friend is talking to him.)
Jock: I talked with the coach.
RJ: Yeah? I told you man—all those fumbles in practice—he was gonna come down on you.
Jock: I'm starting on Saturday.
RJ: Great. Who knew fumbling all the time was the key?
Jock: It's just time to let someone else have a turn, man. And you knew this was coming.
RJ: Yeah. Sure. (turns to his locker)
(The Jock walks down the hall toward the stairs, and Dawn follows him.)
Dawn: You can't do this to R.J.
Jock: Oh, hey, it's you. Nice cheering the other day. (laughs)
Dawn: It isn't fair. He works so hard.
Jock: What do you care? I mean, this is how the game is played. It's dog eat dog, may the best man win.
Dawn: But nobody's better than R.J.
Jock: (laughs) Yeah, well, that's not really up to you, is it? Hmm?
(Dawn pushes him down the stairs without so much as a blink or a flinch.)
(Principal’s Office)
(Dawn is sitting in the chair in front of Principal Wood, who's at his desk. Buffy's leaning against a table near him. They are both staring at Dawn.)
Dawn: It all happened so fast. I mean, one minute he was walking, and the next he stumbled, and then he fell.
Wood: Why would he say you pushed him down the stairs?
Dawn: I don't know. Maybe he was just embarrassed. It's hard being clumsy, especially when you're popular and athletic. I'd bet.
Wood: Yeah, well, to be candid, it wouldn't be the first time I caught O'Donnell in a lie.
Buffy: It'd be nice if his lies didn't involve my sister, though.
Wood: Anyway, I'm gonna have to call Coach Wheeler and, uh, tell him the bad news. Not a conversation I really want to have.
Dawn: At least you still got R.J. to take over.
(Buffy looks at her suspiciously.)
Wood: Yeah. Well, I think we have everything we need for now. I'm sorry you had to get involved in this, Dawn.
Dawn: That's OK. I'm just really sorry it happened. (stands and leaves)
(Hallway)
(Dawn's walking down the hall, and R.J. catches her attention.)
RJ: Summers! Hey.
Dawn: Hi.
RJ: (walking with Dawn) I heard Wood hauled you into his office.
Dawn: Well, yeah.
RJ: About O'Donnell?
Dawn: Yes.
RJ: That sucks, facing the whole inquisition thing.
Dawn: Yeah. "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition." (beat) God, it's like I have a disease or something. It was really no big deal.
RJ: (stops walking) No. (touches her shoulder) It was. I think it's cool that you faced him. Wood.
Dawn: We just talked. He just wanted me to tell him about... the accident.
RJ: Yeah. It sucks when these things just happen—out of nowhere.
Dawn: Right. Out of nowhere.
RJ: (continues walking, Dawn follows) You know, I was thinking of heading out tonight, after practice. You want to meet up?
Dawn: Uh... hmm... (smiles)
(The Bronze – Night)
(Lots of people are dancing. Buffy, Xander and Willow are sitting at a table together, talking.)
Xander: Well, Spike definitely seems a little more cogent, less (moves finger up and down on lip to make sound) bl-bl-bl-bl-bl. I'm just saying... once you get back the soul, doesn't that mean you start, like, picking up your own wet towels off the floor?
Willow: No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there.
Buffy: At least he's showering, and that's a refreshing and delightful change.
Xander: (gesturing to the dance floor with a nod of his head) Buff.
Buffy: (looks at R.J. dancing) I think that's the guy.
Willow: What guy?
Buffy: The one who, according to Dawn, is the quote smartest, funniest, coolest, hottest, and having the thickest boy eyelashes boy in school unquote.
Xander: He don't seem so tough.
Willow: Check out the fan club.
(There's a girl dancing with R.J. She's got long light brown slightly wavy hair, is slim, wearing tight hip-hugging blue jeans, and a tight, sheer blouse that's off one shoulder and bares the midriff. She's dancing with him very sexily, gyrating her hips and running her hands through her hair.)
Xander: Daddy like.
Buffy: What is that shirt made of? Paint?
Willow: (eyes wide) Buff—
Buffy: Glad Dawnie isn't here to see her precious boyfriend getting all thrusty with some slut-bag hussy—
(R.J.'s dancing partner turns around where Buffy can see her face. It's Dawn. Buffy stares, slack-jawed, in disbelief.)
Buffy: Oh.
Xander: Oh. Oh! No! "Daddy"— No, I wasn't— When I was looking, I wasn't— Oh, God!
Willow: (leans to Xander) Right there with ya.
(While Dawn continues dirty dancing with R.J., Buffy's still staring in disbelief, while Xander looks like he's going to gag and Willow seems ashamed of Dawn's behavior. A few minutes later Dawn makes her way to the bar, but Buffy catches up with her.)
Buffy: So, do you have plans later, or are you just gonna go down to the docks and wait for the fleet to come in?
Dawn: What?
Buffy: (pulls Dawn aside by the arm) Where do I start with the bad? First, you told me you were going to the library. Second, you do not go out on a date without informing me first. Third, Anna Nicole Smith makes you look tacky.
Dawn: (crosses her arms) Yeah, well I think I look hot, and so does R.J.
Buffy: Oh, I bet he does. Maybe I should go have a little word with him. (starts to walk off)
Dawn: (grabs Buffy) No! Don't you dare embarrass me in front of him.
Buffy: I don't like this. This boy has you acting crazy.
Dawn: It's my life. I'll do what I want to.
Buffy: I don't think so.
Dawn: Oh. So, what—suddenly you're Mom now?
Buffy: No, I'm not. And I am glad she's not here to see you like this. (Dawn stares) Look, I'm sorry. I just—
Dawn: You just can't handle it.
Buffy: What?
Dawn: You've always been the special one. Hot little Buffy with her boyfriends. The Slayer. And now someone likes me, and you just can't stand that I'm getting the attention.
Buffy: That is the farthest thing from true.
Dawn: No it's not. And I'm sorry, but I like the way R.J. makes me feel, and if you think that makes me a slut or whatever, I don't care. (starts to walk away)
Buffy: (blocks Dawn) Oh, no, no, no. You are not going back out on that dance floor.
(Dawn grabs her coat and storms off.)
(Alley)
(Dawn exits the Bronze, still mad from her exchange with Buffy. She hears something and slows down.)
Dawn: R.J.?
(R.J.'s cheerleader friend steps out from the shadows.)
Cheerleader: I know what you're doing, slut. I saw you. I saw you with R.J.!
Dawn: So? We were just dancing.
Cheerleader: Right? You think I'm stupid? You're gonna back off (points at Dawn) now.
Dawn: You know what's sad? A girl who can't move on when she's been dumped.
Cheerleader: (grabs Dawn) He didn't dump me!
(The cheerleader picks a fight with Dawn, pulling her hair and screaming. They fall to the ground. Buffy breaks up the fight. The girls stand.)
Buffy: (sighs) OK, first with the lap dance, now with the cat fight. Hey, you wanna get drunk and barf next?
Dawn: (to Buffy) Let go of me. (to cheerleader) This isn't finished.
Cheerleader: I'll never let you have him, bitch. (kicks Buffy in the shin, then runs off yelling) R.J. is mine. I mean it! Stay away from him!
Buffy: Well, at least someone agrees you shouldn't be dating this guy.
(Sunnydale High – Office – Day)
(Principal Wood is talking to R.J. outside his office door, near Buffy's cubicle. Buffy's listening to the conversation. R.J.'s wearing a grey t-shirt, and holding his letterman jacket by the collar.)
Wood: How 'bout if you try doing your own homework for a change? No more getting these young, impressionable women to do it for you. Avoid detention, R.J. Sound good?
RJ: Whatever.
Wood: Oh, sweet infectious enthusiasm.
(Principal Wood walks back into his office, while R.J. starts to go back to class. Buffy interrupts him.)
Buffy: Whoa. Hang on there, slappy. I'm not done with you yet.
RJ: Oh, man. Like it's not bad enough I got that guy riding my back all the time. Now I gotta deal with you, too?
Buffy: Actually, I'm a bit more formidable than Mr. Wood. You might come to look fondly on his back-riding.
RJ: Yeah, but come on—
Buffy: Sit.
RJ: (sits in chair in lobby area) Hey, I told him I was sorry about the homework.
Buffy: Mmm... not the homework, Mr. Wizard. The girls. What you're doing to them. In specific, my sister.
RJ: Hey, I didn't do anything to your sister. And you saw how hot she looked last night. I think that proved that she—
Buffy: (turns away, hands up, to avoid the conversation) Aah! No more with the talky. Look, I know how guys like you work. You turn on the charm, you get whatever you want, no matter who gets in your way, right?
RJ: (stands) OK, look, it's not like that. (starts putting on jacket) I just— (Buffy pushes him back into the seat) get along really well with girls.
Buffy: Oh, I see how you get along. (turns to pace while she rants) Oh, look at me, I'm Mr. Quarterback. (while Buffy's facing away, R.J. finishes putting on his jacket) I crush little girls and all their little feelings. All I have to do is— (turns, facing him now, and suddenly changes to a more pleasant tone) lead a team of high school athletes trying their best to do a good job. Everyone depending on me. That is a lot of pressure. But it doesn't mean you get to disregard other people's feelings.
RJ: It's not like I meant to hurt anyone.
Buffy: I know. (sits on table beside R.J.) I know that. It's just— you're a leader, a captain, OK? People look up to you. You need to keep that in mind when you— (distracted by looking at his body) I bet you run a lot, huh? I mean, they work you pretty hard, don't they?
RJ: Yeah, (stands) I guess so.
Buffy: I get that. I do. I'm there. Or at least I was there when I was still in high school. Which I was, just a couple of years ago, really. You know, I just realized (blushing) that I'm basically the same age as you. I'm not really older at all, actually. Just like you, (making eyes at him) but with the sexual experience and stuff.
RJ: I think I hear what you're saying.
(A colleague comes into the office lobby area. Buffy stands and clears her throat, changing the tone of her conversation to seem more professional.)
Buffy: Um, right, I'm—I'm really glad that w-we had this talk, so, uh, I think you'd better to get back to class.
RJ: OK. Thanks.
(As R.J. leaves the office, the theme song from "A Summer Place" starts to play and Buffy watches longingly, grinning like a lovesick fool.)
(Summers Residence – Living Room – Night)
(Dawn's coming home through the front door as quietly as she can, but Buffy's sitting on the couch waiting for her.)
Buffy: (os) Dawn. You wanna come talk to me?
Dawn: (under her breath) Ambush. (walks into living room, sits on couch by Buffy)
Buffy: I wanted to tell you that I talked to R.J. today. He's OK. I think he likes you.
Dawn: (grinning, excited) Really? Tell me what he said about me—every word—including intonation and facial expressions.
Buffy: Well, he thinks you're-you're funny and-and pretty and interesting. Didn't have a thing to say against you. (avoids eye contact)
Dawn: Yes, he did. I can tell.
Buffy: The tiniest thing. (tentatively) He might have said that you came on a little strong.
Dawn: Oh, my God! I'm the pushy queen of slut town.
Buffy: No, honey, honey, not at all. No, no. It's just—you know, lay back a little. Let him come to you.
Dawn: I'm just scared that while I'm laying back, some other girl's gonna come and sweep him up.
Buffy: But we have inside info. We know he doesn't like being swept. He likes to be the sweeper. Dawn, you're gonna come out the winner here, with me looking out for you.
Dawn: Yeah, I guess so. Thank you. (leans on Buffy's shoulder)
(Sunnydale High – Classroom – Day)
(R.J.'s in math class, being lectured on algebra.)
Teacher: So we do know that 6 x + y = 16, so we can solve for y in terms of iso—
(Buffy bounces into the room, wearing a black satin shirt and a short skirt.)
Buffy: Sorry to interrupt, but we need to see R.J. Brooks down in the guidance office.
(Empty Classroom)
(In a different classroom that's not being used, R.J. looks around while Buffy closes the door behind them.)
RJ: There's no one here.
Buffy: Yeah, there is. (points to him) There's one of you, (points to herself) and there's one of me. (walks up to him, touching his back) You were the one in math class. Tell me what that adds up to. (walks to nearby desks)
(Hallway)
(Dawn's walking down the hallway past R.J.'s math class.)
Dawn: I'm not coming on too strong if I just look at him.
(She peeks in the window on the door to his class, but his desk is empty.)
(Empty Classroom)
(Resume conversation between Buffy and R.J. in the empty classroom.)
Buffy: I've always been fascinated by football. So, what's it like to lead a team?
RJ: The thing of it is: the time. Nobody gets how much time goes into it, with practices and games.
Buffy: I totally get it. I was kinda juggling some stuff when I was in high school, too—which was also very recent. Principal Snyder was always on me.
RJ: I still say Wood's the worst. You haven't seen the way that guy rides me. I wish somebody'd get him off my back.
Buffy: Yeah, that would be cool.
RJ: And sometimes, I didn't even do anything wrong— (Buffy grabs him by the collar and kisses him passionately. They kiss for a moment, then he pulls back.) You're like a teacher.
Buffy: Not really. (sweetly) But, I mean, does it bother you?
RJ: Not so much.
(They kiss again and lean back on the desks.)
(Hallway)
(Dawn's found her way to the hallway in front of R.J.'s math class again. Classes are out, and R.J.'s still hasn't come back to class to get his books. She's distressed, and starts casually looking around for him. She peers into nearby classrooms until she comes to the empty classroom. When she looks in, she's completely forlorn. She runs out of the school.)
(Courtyard)
(Dawn runs out of the building, and sits down outside on the edge of a large planter. She starts to cry when she looks down and sees Xander's work boots standing there. Xander seems concerned, and sits down beside her.)
Xander: Dawn? What's wrong? Is this— Did that guy in the jacket—
Dawn: (crying) Uh! I don't even want to hear his name anymore!
Xander: I just called him "that guy in the jacket".
Dawn: That's what I used to call him in my head before I knew his real name!
Xander: Dawnie, honey, you seem extremely perturbed. Maybe I should go get Buffy—
Dawn: No! I don't ever want to see her again.
Xander: I thought that was about that guy in the— um, that guy with the thing.
Dawn: No, it's about both of them. (cries again)
(Empty Classroom)
(Xander bursts into the empty classroom that Buffy and R.J. are in. He starts talking before he realizes what's going on.)
Xander: Buffy, I think Dawn needs y— Uuh!
(Buffy is straddling R.J.'s hips while he's lying on top of a desk. Her blouse is pulled half off, baring her shoulders. R.J.'s still fully clothed and wearing his jacket. They don't get up when Xander walks in.)
Buffy: Xander, hi. This is R.J.
RJ: Hey, guy. It's called knocking.
Xander: (to R.J.) I'm sorry. It's just checkout time was an hour ago. We were hoping to make up the bed. Also, it's a classroom, you chowder-head! (to Buffy) Now get off the boy, Buffy. We're going home.
(Summers Residence – Living Room – Night)
(Dawn's sitting on the couch, crying while Buffy tries to comfort her.)
Buffy: Dawn, please stop crying. Please? Crying isn't going to make his love for me go away, you know.
(Pan out to show Xander, Anya, and Willow are standing there, staring at Buffy and Dawn.)
Xander: Listen, you're under a love spell. That's what this has to be.
Buffy: (to Xander) You're right. He's right.(to Dawn) You're under a spell. Oh, poor little Dawnie.
Willow: But we're working on it. It'll be better soon.
Anya: Yes. Soon neither one of you will be in love with this boy.
Buffy: He's not a boy.
Dawn: What do you know about our love? It's true and real. This isn't magic. This is my heart.
Anya: Fine.
Xander: We'll be working.
Willow: Look, I know this feels terrible, but it isn't real. Try to hold onto that.
Buffy: Did you hear that? It isn't real. You're just crazy.
Dawn: It is so real! I love him. You knew how I felt—like I finally found something, and you betrayed me.
Buffy: I betrayed you? You're the one that constructed this elaborate fantasy about you and my lover.
Dawn: (stands) Your lover? Your lover! (Buffy stands)
Willow: (mediating) Guys— Guys—
Buffy: I tried to get you to back away.
Dawn: That's right! You lied to me!
Buffy: Did you want me to tell you that he's in love with me? That your little crush is hopeless?
Dawn: (crying) It's not a crush! Stop. You're not supposed to do this.
Buffy: Why? Because he's younger than me? You know, I'm extremely youthful. And peppy.
Dawn: No, because you were the one I trusted. (runs to her room and slams door)
Buffy: Dawn, wait! (Buffy goes after her)
(Dining Room)
(Xander, Anya and Willow are sitting around the dining room table doing research. The table is covered in books and papers, and Willow's using her laptop.)
Anya: Crazy little lust puppies, aren't they?
Xander: Well, at least the yelling went away. It was starting to sound like Christmas morning with my family.
Willow: Love spells. People forget how dangerous they can be.
Xander: Hey, been there...
(Xander flashes back to episode 2x16 "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered," where lots of girls are coming after Xander in Buffy's basement. Cordelia's there, not under the spell, but every other woman he knows is under the spell, including Buffy, Willow, and even Joyce, Buffy's mom. They're all reaching for him, putting their hands on him, completely crazy for him. Xander's remembering all this fondly, with a satisfied grin on his face.)
Xander: Good times.
Willow: Here. Something. (turns laptop to show others)
(Buffy walks into the room.)
Buffy: She's locked her door. That spell has her good and loopy.
Willow: Info on one R.J. Brooks.
Buffy: Oh, lemme see. Is there a picture?
Xander: Family stuff. Hey, I knew his brother. He was a big jock at Sunnydale High too. Couple years ahead of us. He used to stick chewing gum in my hair. (Willow looks horrified) Huh.
Willow: What're you thinking?
Xander: Well, I think my relationship with R.J.'s brother was complex at best, but...maybe he's a way in.
Buffy: (to Willow) Now, look for a picture.
(Street)
(Standing in front of someone's house, Xander's talking to Spike, who seems a bit uncomfortable.)
Xander: I'm just saying, we're—we're tangling with a powerful spell here. (they walk up to the house) We don't know what the deal is so—so keep an eye out if this guy looks twitchy. And don't let this guy charm you, either. He had everyone around him practically kissing his ring back in high school.
(They're standing on the front porch now, ringing the doorbell. An angel decorates the door jamb, and Spike avoids its glare. A tall, ungroomed, unathletic guy answers the door in a pizza delivery uniform. Xander and Spike both stare at him in disbelief.)
Brother: Yeah?
(Time Lapse)
(The brother is sitting slouched in an overstuffed chair. Xander and Spike are sitting across from him on the couch. The room's lovingly decorated with pale ivory colors, soft lighting and lace, and there are knick-knacks everywhere. Each guy is drinking a bottle of beer.)
Brother: Construction, huh? That's awesome.
Xander: Yeah.
Brother: So, what's up with R.J.? How's he doing at the old alpha mater?
Xander: Good. It's just— (Spike stands and starts walking around the room) I know a girl that might be going out with him and I was wondering—
Brother: God, and you want to know if he's a good guy. Truth is, he's the best. Following in my footsteps. You might not know it now, looking at me with a couple of extra pounds, but back then, I was quite the guy.
(Spike's standing at the back of the room now, near a curio cabinet full of statuettes.)
Xander: Yeah, I gather that R.J. is pretty popular, too.
Brother: I gotta tell ya. There was a time I was worried about R.J. He was into comic books, Model U.N., geek stuff—no offense, Harris. (While the brother's talking, Spike's inspecting the figurines on the curio cabinet. They're all angels. Dozens and dozens of angels. He starts turning them around, where they're not facing him anymore.) One time, I found all this poetry under his bed. Turns out, he wrote it. Then he, uh—what do you call it? Blossomed. That's what it was like.
(Spike's still walking around the room, looking at things.)
Xander: And do you have any idea why he, you know, burst into a flower all of a sudd—?
(Standing in front of the mantle, Spike's looking at the pictures that adorn it.)
Spike: You're wearing your brother's jacket. Here, in this picture.
Brother: Oh, no, dude. He's wearing mine. That jacket was with me all the way through high school. Gave it to him when I graduated, right before I started over at the Pizza Barn. I'm in the management program.
Xander: So, Lance, where did you get the jacket?
Brother: Oh, dad gave it to me. Made a big deal about it, too. How he met mom wearing that jacket. She was a former Miss Arkansas. Very hot in her day.
Xander: (stands) Wow, that's wonderful. Boy, it's getting late.
Brother: Hey, you guys don't have to take off if you don't want too. I got sort of a rumpus room set up in the basement. There's air hockey and a mini fridge. We could party.
Mrs. Brooks: (os) Lance? Do you have guests down there? There's little boxes or raisins if you want snacks.
Xander: We really gotta go.
(Summers Residence – Dining Room)
(Willow and Anya are still working.)
Willow: (sighs) Damn love spell. I have tried every anti-love spell spell I could find.
Anya: Even if you find the right one, the guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love spell spell... spell.
Willow: What? (doorbell rings, she stands) I'll get it. (goes to door) Maybe it's Xander with some answers from the brother. (She opens the door, and it's R.J. standing there, wearing his jacket.) Oh, you have to be—
RJ: I was looking for Buffy. Miss Summers.
Willow: Buffy's not here. Go away!
RJ: Are you sure?
Anya: (walks up to the door, stands beside Willow) No Buffy for you. Leave quickly now.
RJ: Uh-huh. OK. Tell her to call me.
Willow: Man...
Anya: Good thing Buffy and Dawn are upstairs. If they knew he was here...
(As R.J. walks away, the theme song to "A Summer Place" starts to play in the background. Anya and Willow stare at him intently, watching him walk away. Clearly, they're getting excited by this sight.)
(Time Lapse)
(Willow and Anya are having a spat.)
Willow: But you don't even know him!
Anya: Yes, I do. I looked into him and saw his soul.
Willow: He was walking away, so unless his soul was in his ass—
Anya: A.J. is my best friend and my dearest darling—
Willow: It's R.J. And what you were picking up on was his deep caring and devotion to me.
(Buffy and Dawn walk downstairs and see Willow and Anya arguing.)
Dawn: What's going on?
Anya: Willow thinks she's in love with my boyfriend, R.J.
Dawn: What? No! You two can't do this.
Buffy: Willow, you're a gay woman—and he isn't.
Willow: This isn't about his physical presence. It's about his heart.
Anya: His physical presence has a penis!
Willow: I can work around it!
Dawn: This isn't fair! How can you all be doing this to me?
Buffy: OK, wait. Everyone wait. Just calm down, OK? I-I think I know what this is. Clearly, you've both been affected by the same love spell that got Dawn. (Willow and Anya roll their eyes)
Dawn: Uh! This isn't a spell. He owns my heart.
Buffy: Dawn, be quiet. We're trying to work this out. We don't need you interfering.
Willow: There's a simple answer to this. Just think about who loves him the most. Clearly I do, since I'm willing to look past the whole orientation thing.
Dawn: I need him.
Anya: Well, you're gonna have to do better than that—I'd kill for him.
Willow: (scoffs) You'd kill for a chocolate bar.
Buffy: No. Yes! Kill for him. I'm the slayer. Slayer means kill. Oh, I'll kill the principal.
Anya: Ooh, that is hard to top.
Willow: Yeah, well I have skills. I can prove my love with magic.
Anya: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do—use magic to make him into a girl? (Willow's eyes widen) Damn.
(Willow goes upstairs, Anya goes out the front door, Buffy goes to the living room, and Dawn stands still leaning against the wall.)
Anya: Ooh, I know what he'll like.
(Buffy turns around to get her jacket from the foyer and stops to talk to Dawn.)
Buffy: Sorry, Dawnie. You're never gonna get him.
Dawn: No. Never.
(Willow’s Room)
(Willow's sitting on the floor, lighting candles. Looks like she's preparing for a spell. Her scene is shrunk to a fourth of the screen size and placed in the top left corner of the screen. Cheezy "Charlie's Angels" type music is played.)
(Sunnydale High – Parking Lot)
(Cheezy music is still playing. Buffy is driving (poorly) an SUV through the parking lot. She parks the car. Her scene is shrunk to a fourth of the screen size and placed in the top right corner of the screen, beside Willow's.)
(Sunnydale Securities Bank)
(Cheezy music is still playing. Anya's dressed in all black, like a burglar, carrying a sack. She pulls the ski mask down over her face. Her scene is shrunk to a fourth of the screen size and placed in the bottom left corner of the screen, beneath Willow's. Three scenes are on the screen now. In Buffy's scene, she's getting a bazooka out of the car.)
(Sunnydale Train Yard)
(Cheezy music is still playing. Dawn's walking beside railroad tracks. She lies across them and waits. Her scene is shrunk to a fourth of the screen size and placed in the bottom right corner of the screen, beneath Buffy's. Four scenes are on the screen now. )
(Summers Residence – Willow’s Room)
(Willow's in the middle of the spell now. She's got four white candles lit, and a bowl of crystals in front of her. As she says the spell, the crystals glow, come out of the bowl and swirl around in front of her.)
Willow: Oh, Hecate, I call on you. I humbly ask your will be done. Hear my request, a simple change, create a daughter from a s— (Xander puts his hand over her mouth, interrupting the spell. The crystals stop glowing and drop out of the air. Spike's standing in the door.) Oh, man! Now I've gotta start all over. Hecate hates that.
Xander: (takes the bowl of crystals away from Willow) What the hell are you doing?
Willow: (stands) Proving I love R.J. the most!
Xander: Will, honey... R.J.'s a guy.
Willow: I did notice that, yeah. 'S why I'm doing my spell, 'cause, you know, he doesn't have to be. (reaches) Now, hand me back my crystals. I don't have much time.
Xander: (holds the crystals out of her reach) Much time before what?
Willow: Before Buffy and Anya and Dawn have a chance to prove that they love R.J. the most.
Xander: And how are they gonna do that, exactly?
Willow: Well, Buffy's gonna kill Principal Wood, Any—
Xander: Fine, OK, let's start there.
(Sunnydale High – Principal’s Office)
(Principal Wood is working at his desk, facing away from the window. He's listening to soft jazz music on his Bose stereo. Through the open levelor blinds, Buffy can be seen walking up with her bazooka. She aims it at the principal, but a growling Spike tackles her before she shoots, and they fall to the ground. Spike tries to walk away, but Buffy tackles him, and again they fall to the ground. Spike runs away with the Bazooka, and Buffy runs after him. Principal Wood looks out the window, but they're gone already.)
(Front Lawn)
(Spike's running away with the bazooka, and Buffy's chasing him. Spike stops when he gets to Xander and Willow. Buffy stares at Willow, who's sitting on the ground doing magic.)
Buffy: Hey! What are you guys doing?
Willow: Locator spell. Human variety. Almost done.
Buffy: (antsy) Well, I've got a principal to kill. What's going on? Who are we looking for?
(Sunnydale Train Yard)
(Dawn's lying across the tracks. There's the sound of an approaching train. Xander pulls up in his sedan. Xander drove with Willow as passenger, and Buffy and Spike in the back seat. The car stops and they all get out.)
Buffy: You realize that Anya's probably seducing R.J. even as we speak.
Willow: My God. You think so?
Buffy: Well, I wouldn't put it past her. She's recently evil, you know.
Willow: Well, so am I. Why should I miss out?
Xander: Hey, crazy chicks—look. (points to Dawn)
Buffy: Dawn? Dawn! (runs toward Dawn)
Willow: Buffy!
(A train is in the train yard now. Buffy's running alongside of it, in the same direction as Buffy's running. Another train is coming into the yard in the opposite direction. It's on the track Dawn's on. Buffy jumps onto the train beside her and climbs up to the top of the train car. Dawn can tell the train is close to running her over, so she turns her head away, clinches her eyes shut and waits. Buffy jumps off the train, landing near Dawn. She stands up and grabs Dawn, pulling her off the tracks just in time, as the train rolls down the tracks where she was only moments before. Buffy and Dawn stand.)
Buffy: What were you doing? I mean, what is this?
Dawn: It doesn't matter.
Buffy: This is the plan? You're gonna steal R.J. by being trisected?!
Dawn: What am I—gonna compete with you? You're older and hotter and have sex that's rough and kill people. I don't have any of that stuff. But if I did this then his whole life he'd know there was someone that loved him so much they'd give up their life.
Buffy: Dawn...
Dawn: And it would be true forever.
Buffy: No guy is worth your life—not ever.
Dawn: R.J. is. And don't say he isn't. Look what you were willing to do.
Buffy: Dawn, I would give him to you in a second if I could. (crying) That's how much you're scaring me.
Dawn: But I—I thought you wanted him... for you.
Buffy: Nah. Well, yeah. My God, that boy is hot. Sorry. I think I might be under a spell here.
Dawn: I hear ya.
(Street)
(Xander and Spike are stealthily walking beside the display window for an electronics store. They're sneaking up on R.J., who's walking down the street with the cheerleader on crutches.)
Xander: Now, you're sure you understand the plan?
Spike: I think I got it, yeah.
(Xander and Spike run out into the street. Xander tackles R.J. while Spike takes the jacket off of him. They run away with the jacket.)
(Summers Residence – Living Room)
(R.J.'s letterman jacket is burning in the fireplace. There's music playing on the radio.)
Xander: That, my friends, is the smell of sweet, sweet, victory.
Anya: Also, burning cotton-poly blend.
Buffy: Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slipping that jacket on just a little bit?
Xander: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.
Anya: Man, this tool gets his jacket from his brother, who got it from their father, and we'll never know where he got it. That bites.
Xander: Yeah, welcome to the hellmouth, where even outerwear isn't safe.
Willow: I can't believe I almost—
Buffy: I can't believe I almost—
Anya: It was a spell. You were helpless. We're not responsible for anything we did morally or, you know, legally...
Xander: True. You fell for a mystical, ancient curse. Who hasn't made that mistake seven, eight times?
(Buffy goes to sit by Dawn on the couch.)
Buffy: You hear that? Not your fault.
Dawn: (sighs) I'm just so... the way I acted, the way I talked to you. I feel so stupid. All over a spell.
Buffy: Get ready to feel even stupider when it's not.
Willow: Hey, Anya, you never told us what you can't believe you almost.
Anya: (playing dumb) Almost who, now?
Willow: No, you can't be the only not embarrassed one. What did you do?
Anya: (stutters) I, uh, wrote a poem. An epic poem... comparing him to a daisy and a tower and a lake.
Radio: (music stops and announcer speaks) And now the latest on Sunnydale's late-night bandit who is still at large. A masked thief held up a number of large businesses—
Anya: (turns off radio) OK, great, ice cream. My treat.