Our Mrs. Reynolds
(PLANET - TRIUMPH SETTLEMENT – DAY)
(Two horses pull a covered boat-wagon down the bed of a shallow river, hiding their tracks. About six horsemen burst out of the wooded banks and surround the covered wagon, bringing their progress to a halt. In the front seat sit a husband and wife, their faces covered by a brimmed hat and flowered bonnet, respectively.)
Bandit #1: Pardon me for intruding, but I believe y'all carrying something of mine.
Man: T'ain't your'n!
Bandit #1: Did you think we wouldn't find out you changed your route? (beat) You gonna give us what due us, and every damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe you're gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus.
(The man lifts his head and we see that it’s Jayne in disguise.)
Jayne: Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.
(The “woman” lifts her head and we see that it’s Mal.)
Mal: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you purtier, I would.
Mal: You are not the man I met a year ago. (They both suddenly draw their guns on the horsemen, Mal slowly pulling his bonnet off.) Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty flowered bonnet, I will end you.
(Mal and Jayne stare down the bandits for a moment, no one moving.)
Bandit #1: Take 'em!
(Zoe leans around the covered wagon and shoots a horseman at the yell. The gunfight begins - Mal, Jayne and Zoe outnumbered but scoring direct hits. Within seconds, all the horsemen are dead.)
(TRIUMPH SETTLEMENT – NIGHT)
(Music and dancing. Pan across the merry, rustic crowd.)
Mal: In the morning -- (We now see Mal and Inara walking through the crowd.) -- we'll head for Beaumonde. Give you a chance to find some work of your own.
Inara: I appreciate it. (beat) This place is lovely, but...
Mal: Not your clientele? I understand. (Inara laughs) You gotta play at being a lady.
Inara: Well, yes. So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?
Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. 'Sides, those soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. It's the whole... air-flow.
Inara: And you'd know that because...?
Mal: You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery.
Inara: Let's keep it that way. I withdraw the question.
(Long shot of the bonfire. Camera moves in on Jayne sitting on a wooden log next to Elder Gommen. Elder Gommen is holding a rain stick, explaining its use to Jayne.)
Elder Gommen: Makes the rain come for eternity. The rain is very scarce, comes only when needed most. And such it is with men like you. (hands the stick to Jayne)
Jayne: (drunkenly) This is the most... you, friend. You're the guy... (hugs Elder) I will treasure this.
(Book watches from a distance as a young woman puts a crown of daises on Mal's head, then gives him a bowl of wine to drink. Mal drinks the wine, smiling broadly at the young woman. The young woman smiles back and twirls out onto the dance floor. Mal smiles and mouths "flowers" to Jayne, who is sitting next to him. Wash and Zoe are cuddling by the bonfire. After a moment, Mal and Jayne are pulled out to dance by several young women.)
(SERENITY - OPEN AIRLOCK – DAY)
(The crew of Serenity are preparing to leave the planet. Mal is walking toward the airlock with Elder Gommen.)
Mal: Elder Gommen, thank you for the hospitality.
Elder Gommen: We owe you a great debt. I'm sorry we have so little to pay it with -- though I hope our gifts will show our regards.
Mal: Well I don't think Jayne's ever lettin' go of that stick. (Elder laughs)
Zoe: (to Mal) Mal, there's a patrol boat heading into atmo right now.
Mal: (to Elder) Well we gotta fly.
Elder Gommen: We'll pray for a safe voyage, and hope to lay eyes on you again 'ere too long, my friend.
Mal: Count on it. Bye now.
Elder Gommen: Bless you.
(Echoes of the settlers calling goodbye as the airlock closes.)
(WIDE SHOT of Serenity closing its doors and rising into the atmosphere.)
(SERENITY - CARGO BAY)
(Mal is alone in the cargo bay storing supplies. He squats down to put away what look like propane tanks into a wire cage when he spots a stowaway.)
Mal: (surprised) Gaaahhh! (beat; angrily) Who the hell are you?
Saffron: What do you mean?
Mal: Well, I think I was pretty clear. What are you doing on my boat?
Saffron: But... you know I'm to cleave to you...?
Mal: To-whubba-who?
Saffron: Did Elder Gommen not tell you?
Mal: Tell me what? Who are you?
Saffron: Mr. Reynolds, sir. (beat) I'm your wife. (Mal's stunned.) I am your wife. That was your agreement with Elder Gommen, since he hadn't cash or livestock --
Mal: I'm-I'm sorry. Go back to the part... (beat) where you're my wife?
Saffron: I don't please you?
Mal: You can't please me. You never met me. (Zoe and Jayne enter the cargo bay.) Zoe, why do I have a wife?
Jayne: You got a wife? All I got is that dumbass stick sounds like it's raining. How come you got a wife?
Mal: I didn't. (to Saffron) We're not married.
Saffron: (upset) I'm sorry that I shame you.
Mal: You don't shame me! (to Zoe) Zoe, would you get Wash?
(Zoe walks to comm, hits it.)
Zoe: This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay.
Mal: Whoa, whoa. I said Wash.
Zoe: (grinning) Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss.
Mal: There's-there's no bliss! I don't know this girl!
Jayne: Then can I know her?
Zoe: (smacks Jayne's arm) Jayne! (beat) Don't sully this.
Mal: You are gonna be cleaning latrines with your face you don't knock that off.
(The rest of the crew comes pouring into the cargo bay, curious.)
Book: Who's the new recruit?
Zoe: Everybody, I want you all to meet... (beat) Mrs. Reynolds.
(Kaylee gasps excitedly. Inara looks less than pleased.)
Kaylee: You got married?!
Simon: Well, that's, uh... (searching) Congratulations.
Wash: We'd always hoped you two kids would get together. (to Mal) Who is she?
Mal: She's no one!
(Saffron bursts into tears.)
Kaylee: Captain.
Mal: (to Saffron) Would you stop that?
Saffron: I'm sorry.
Wash: You brute.
Kaylee: (comforting Saffron) Hey, sweetie. Don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster.
Mal: I'm not a monster! (to Wash; Jayne laughing) Wash, turn the ship around.
Wash: Can't.
Mal: That's an order.
Wash: Yeah, but can't.
(Cutting between Mal and Wash talking, and Book and Simon, all in the cargo bay.)
Mal: What the hell is wrong with...
Book: (to Simon) Have you got an encyclopedia?
Simon: (nodding)(in Chinese) Of course.
Wash: ...the Alliance touched down the second after we left, and there's already a bulletin on the cortex as to the murder of a prefect's nephew. That's right, one of our bandits has family ties. So unless you feel like walk into a gallows, I suggest we continue on to Beaumonde, and you... enjoy your honeymoon.
Mal: This isn't happening. (to Saffron) Would you stop cryin'?
Inara: For god's sake, Mal. Could you be a human being for thirty seconds?
Wash: As one married man to another --
Mal: (yelling) I'm not married! (beat; to Saffron) I'm sorry. You-you have very nice qualities, but I didn't ever marry you.
Book: (entering with encyclopedia) I believe you did. Last night.
Mal: (aside, to Jayne) How drunk was I last night?
Jayne: Well I dunno. I passed out.
Book: It says here: (reading) "The woman lays a wreath upon her intended" – which I do recall -- "which represents his sovereignty."
Mal: (to Saffron) That was you?
Book: And he drinks of her wine. And then there's a dance, with a joining of hands. The marriage ceremony of the Triumph settlers. You, sir, are a newlywed.
Mal: (beat) What's it say in there about divorce?
(Upset, Saffron runs from the cargo bay.)
Kaylee: (in Chinese) You don't deserve her, you fink.
Mal: (in Chinese) Mind your own business.
Zoe: Really think you're the one to talk to her, sir.
Mal: Way I see it, me and her got one thing in common. We're the only ones don't think this is funny.
(Mal exits the cargo bay after Saffron.)
(CORRIDOR)
(Mal is searching the ship.)
Mal: Hello? Woman... person? (He climbs upstairs. Saffron’s sitting in a corridor quietly crying. Mal enters.) You all right?
Saffron: I thought last night during the ceremony that you were pleased.
Mal: Well, yeah, last night I was. Had some mulled wine, pretty girl gave me a hat made out of a tree. Nobody said I was signing up to have and to hold.
Saffron: Are you gonna kill me?
Mal: What?! What kind of crappy planet is that? (scoffs) Kill you.
Saffron: In the maiden's home I heard talk of men who weren't pleased with their brides --
Mal: Well I ain't them! And don't you ever stand for that sort of thing. Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back! (sits next to her) Look, wife or no, you are no one's property to be tossed aside. You got the right same as anyone to live and try to kill people. I mean, you know... people that are... (beat) That's a dumb planet.
Saffron: What will you do with me?
Mal: Not rightly sure. We're bound for Beaumonde. Decent kind of planet. Might be able set you up some kind of work there.
Saffron: I'll not be anyone's doxy.
Mal: I don't mean whoring. I mean the factories and the like. Some ranches, if you're more for the outdoors. Near a week before we get there. We'll figure something.
Saffron: I'd be a good wife.
Mal: Yeah, well, I'd be a terrible husband. You got five whole days to figure that out.
Saffron: Five days... we'll be together?
Mal: We'll be together on the ship, but not in any --
Saffron: That'll be fine. I'll do for you -- or not -- as you choose.
Mal: Well. Shiny. (beat) Hungry? Kitchen's just through there.
Saffron: I'll cook you something.
(Saffron moves quickly toward the kitchen area. Mal trails after her.)
Mal: Well, no, I meant for you.
Saffron: I'm a fine cook. Everyone says.
Mal: That's-that's great. What... Hold it. Hold... (beat) I ain't never even --
Saffron: My name is Saffron.
(Saffron exits. Book comes into frame, watching Saffron walk away.)
Book: Divorce is very rare and requires dispensation from her pastor. I can send him a wave, see what I can do.
Mal: I appreciate that. (beat) She's a nice girl.
Book: Seems very anxious to please you.
Mal: Well, that's their way, I guess.
Book: I suppose so. (beat) If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Mal: What -- I am not... preacher, you got a smutty mind!
Book: Perhaps I spoke out of turn.
Mal: You may perhaps I'm thinking!
Book: I apologize. I'll make her up a room in the passenger dorm.
Mal: Good.
(Book walks away and around the corner. A beat later, he pokes his head back around again.)
Book: The special hell.
(GALLEY)
(Saffron puts a plate of food in front of Mal, who is seated at the dinner table.)
Mal: Thank you.
(Wash and Zoe enter the kitchen area.)
Wash: Something smells good.
Zoe: Havin' yourself a little supper, captain?
Mal: Well, Saffron insisted on... you know, I didn't want to make her feel... it's damn tasty!
Wash: Is there any more where that came from?
Saffron: I didn't think to make enough for your friends. But everything's laid out if you'd like to cook for your husband.
(Wash and Zoe sit at the table.)
Wash: (laughs) Isn't she quaint? (to Saffron) I'm just not hungry.
Zoe: So, are you enjoying your own nubile little slave girl?
Mal: She wanted to make me dinner. At least she's not cryin'.
Wash: I might. Did she really make fresh bao? (off Zoe's look) Quaint!
Zoe: Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?
Mal: You know what, you all are makin' a big deal. I would appreciate it if someone on this boat would not assume that I'm an evil lecherous (in Chinese) asshole.
Zoe: Nobody's saying that, sir.
Wash: Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly. (beat) Is that cider?
Mal: By the stove.
Wash: Yum. I'll get you a refill, (in Chinese) asshole.
(Wash takes Mal's cup and stands. Saffron is suddenly there, snatching the glass firmly from Wash's hand.)
Saffron: That's for me to do.
(Wash sinks back into his chair and gives Zoe a significant glance.)
Mal: You know, um... you weren't lyin' about your cookin'. If I hadn't already eaten...
Saffron: You don't want to finish?
Mal: No, I just -- um, I have captainy things to do. But truthfully, it was a fine meal. Thank you.
Saffron: Do you need anything else?
Mal: No. No. Um. You just... have somethin' to eat yourself, and uh, I will go captain --
Saffron: If you're done with supper... would you like me to wash your feet?
(Mal stares blankly for a beat, then swiftly exits. Wash pulls the plate of bao over to his side of the table.)
(INARA'S SHUTTLE)
(Inara sits in front of a console, programming appointments.)
Inara: Beaumonde. City of New Dunsmuir. Arrival October 24th. Departure --
Mal: (entering) Can I come in?
Inara: No.
Mal: See? That's why I usually don't ask.
Inara: What do you want?
Mal: (sitting) Oh, I just... needed a place to hide.
Inara: So I take it the honeymoon's over?
Mal: Oh, she's a fine girl, don't misread. A hell of a cook, too.
Inara: I'm sure she has many exciting talents.
Mal: Do you ever... wash your client's feet?
Inara: It's my specialty. (beat) We'll be on Beaumonde at least two weeks, right?
Mal: Mm. Can't exactly be sure.
Inara: Well, I need you to be exactly sure, Mal. I can't make commitments and then not keep them. That's your specialty.
Mal: I'm sorry. Are you testy because I got myself a bride or 'cause I don't plan to keep her?
Inara: I find the whole thing degrading.
Mal: That's just what Saffron said about your line of work.
Inara: Maybe you should think twice about letting go of Saffron. You two seem like quite a match.
Mal: Maybe you're right. Maybe we're soulmates.
Inara: Yes. Great. I wish you hundreds of fat children.
Mal: Aw, could you imagine that? Me with a whole passel of critters underfoot? Hell, ten years time I could --
Inara: Could you leave me alone for five minutes, please?
(Mal, slightly offended, gets up and leaves the shuttle, shutting the door behind him.)
Mal: (to Inara) I wasn't lookin' for a fight!
(CATWALK)
(Reverse camera to reveal Jayne standing on the catwalk with a very large gun.)
Mal: Always do seem to find one, though.
Jayne: There's times I think you don't take me seriously. I think that ought to change.
Mal: Do you think it's likely to?
Jayne: You got something you don't deserve.
Mal: And it's brought me a galaxy of fun, I'm here to tell ya.
Jayne: Six men came to kill me one time. The best of 'em carried this. (approaches Mal) It's a Callahan full-bore autolock. Customized trigger, double-cartridge thorough gauge. (beat) It is my very favorite gun. (holds it out to Mal)
Mal: (beat)(in Chinese) The explosive diarrhea of an elephant! (in English) You offering me a trade?!
Jayne: A trade?! Hell, it's theft. It's the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It's miles more worthy than what you got.
Mal: What I got? She has a name.
Jayne: So does this. I call it Vera.
Mal: Well my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
Jayne: Well, damnit Mal, I'd treat her okay.
Mal: She's not to be bought, nor bartered, or borrowed, or lent. She's a human woman doesn't know a damn thing about the world and needs our protection.
Jayne: Well I'll protect her!
Mal: Jayne! (beat) Go play with your rain stick.
(Mal walks away, heading down the stairs. Jayne grumbles and exits out of frame.)
(CARGO BAY)
(Mal hits the bottom of the stairs and rounds the corner.)
Mal: Gaahh! (Saffron’s sitting right there.) You do sneak about, don't you?
Saffron: You're a good man.
Mal: You clearly haven't been talking to anyone else on this boat.
Saffron: I don't wish to be wed to the large one. I'd rather -- if I am not to be yours -- I'd rather have the work you spoke of. I could be useful on a ranch.
Mal: It's good work. My momma had a ranch -- back on Shadow, where I'm from. Ran cattle, mostly. Wasn't nobody ran harder or smarter. Used to tell me: don't brand the cattle, brand the buyer; he's the one likely to stray.
Saffron: She raised you herself?
Mal: Well, her and about forty hands. I had more family for a kid... (beat) Well that is odd.
Saffron: What?
Mal: I just don't... I'm not one talks about what's past, and here you got me...
Saffron: Does your crew never show interest in your life?
Mal: No, they're... they just know me well enough to... (beat) What about you? What's your history?
Saffron: Not much to say. Life like yours, I'm figure you'd find mine terrible dull.
Mal: Oh, I long for a little dullness. Truth to say, this whole trip's gettin' to be just a little too interesting.
(INTERGALACTIC CHOP SHOP)
(Closeup of a firefly schematic on a computer monitor screen.)
Breed: It's a wreck.
Corbin: No, this is good.
Breed: It's parts. A lot of cheap parts we'll never unload.
Corbin: This is why you'll never be in charge, Breed. You don't see the whole. The parts are crap.
Breed: I said exactly that.
Corbin: But you put it together you got a Firefly. Thing'll run forever they got a mechanic that's even half
awake.
Breed: She's got no flash.
Corbin: Some people ain't lookin' for flash. She comes this way, you prep the nets.
(SERENITY – BRIDGE)
(Zoe and Wash are returning to the bridge, arguing.)
Zoe: Clearly she's out of her mind.
Wash: Well, she's let a sheltered life.
Zoe: Did you see the way she grabbed that glass from you?
Wash: Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon
where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand of god. (beat) Baby geese. Goslings. They were juggled.
Zoe: Of course. The man rushes in to defend her.
Wash: I'm talking about geese.
Zoe: Captain shouldn't be babysitting a damned groupie, and he knows it.
Wash: Okay, when did this become not funny?
Zoe: When you didn't turn around and put her ass back down on Triumph where it belongs.
Wash: Oh, hey! Now it's even my fault? Is there anything else on your mind that I should know about? There are all kinds of twists and cul de sacs. It's wild!
Zoe: She's trouble.
Wash: I'm getting that.
Zoe: I'm going to bed.
(CORRIDOR)
(Mal is walking down a corridor toward his quarters.)
(MAL'S ROOM)
(Mal enters his room from the walkway above, idly unbuttoning his shirt as he walks farther into the room.)
Mal: (startled) Hey! (Camera pans left to reveal an obviously naked Saffron in Mal's bed, covered only by a sheet.) You're, uh... uh... well, there you are.
Saffron: I've made the bed warm for you.
Mal: It looks, uh, warm.
Saffron: And I've made myself ready for you.
Mal: Let's ride right past the part where you explain exactly what that means. Didn't you see you got a room of your own?
Saffron: And I'm to sleep there?
Mal: That's the notion. Assuming you're... yeah. Sleepy.
Saffron: But we've been wed. Aren't we to become one flesh?
Mal: Well, no, uh... We're still two fleshes here, and I think that your flesh ought to sleep somewhere else.
Saffron: I'm sorry. When we talked I'd hoped, but I don't -- (moves to stand)
Mal: Whoa, hey! Flesh... (beat) Listen, Saffron... it ain't a question of pleasing me. It's more a question of what's, um, of what's morally right.
Saffron: I do know my bible, sir. (beat) On the night of their betrothal the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow. He shall work in her again and again, til she bring him to his full. And rest him then upon the sweat of her breast.
Mal: Whoa. Good bible.
Saffron: I'm not skilled, sir. Nor a pleasure to look upon --
Mal: Saffron, you're pleasing. (sits down) You're... yep, you're all kinds of pleasing, and uh, it's-it's been a while -- a long damn while -- since anybody but me took ahold of my plow, so don't think for a second that I ain't interested. But you and me, we ain't married. Just 'cause you got handed to me by some (in Chinese) asshole (in English) couldn't pay off his debts don't make you beholden to me. I keep trying to explain --
Saffron: Let me explain. I lived my life in the maiden house waiting to be married off for trade. I seen my sisteren paired off with ugly men. Vicious or blubberous. Men with appetites too unseemly to speak on. And I've cried for those girls. But not half so hard as I cried the night they gave me to you.
Mal: (worried) Why? Is there blubber?
Saffron: I cried for I'd not dreamed to have a man so sweet. So kind and beautiful. Had I to dare to choose, I'd choose you from all the planets the night sky could show me. If I'm wed, I am a woman, and I'll take your to leave to be bold. I want this. I swell to think of you in me. And I see that you do, too.
Mal: Oh. That's-that's just, um --
Saffron: Leave me at the nearest port. Never look upon me again. I'll make my way with the strength that you've taught me. Only let me have my wedding night.
Mal: Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell. (They kiss. Mal pulls back reluctantly.) I-I really, really wish it was that simple, but I... (Saffron pulls him back into the kiss, hotter than before. Suddenly Mal pushes back from Saffron, looking dazed. He looks at his hand awkwardly.) Son of a...
(Mal falls heavily to the floor, drugged to the gills.)
Saffron: Night, sweetie.
(BRIDGE)
(Wash is alone on the bridge, piloting Serenity. Saffron enters.)
Wash: Well, if it isn't the master chef. Not sleepy?
Saffron: Am I allowed to be up here?
Wash: Well, sure. Why not? Not like anyone else is taking up space.
Saffron: I've never been off-world before.
Wash: It's beautiful, isn't it?
Saffron: It's like a dream.
Wash: Planet I'm from, couldn't see a one of 'em, pollution's so thick. Sometimes I think I entered flight school just to see what the hell everyone was talking about. (re: Saffron shutting bridge door) What are you doing?
Saffron: Now we're alone. Just us and the stars. No ship, no bellowing engines, no crew to bicker at each other. Look. (pulls Wash out of his chair) Do you know the myth of Earth-that-was?
Wash: Not so much.
Saffron: That when she was born, she had no sky, and was open, inviting. And the stars would rush into her, through the skin of her. Making the oceans boil with sensation. And when she could endure no more ecstasy, she puffed up her cheeks and blew out the sky.
Wash: Whoa. Good myth.
Saffron: My whole life, I saw nothing but roofs and steeples and the cellar door. A few days I'll be back to that life and gone from yours. Make this night what it should be. Please? Show me the stars.
Wash: (in Chinese) Holy mother of god and all her wacky Nephews. (in English) Do I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinkie!
Saffron: I've been too forward.
Wash: No! Well, yes, but I actually like that in a woman. That's part of why Zoe and I are, as recently mentioned, married.
Saffron: I thought she didn't seem to respect you.
Wash: Not everybody gets me and Zoe at first glance. Did it get very hot in here? I need air flow.
Saffron: You love her very much.
Wash: (emphatically) Yeah. (beat) I never did meet anyone quite like Zoe. The, uh, the first time we met, she actually --
(Wash turns his back to Saffron to open the bridge door. Close up on Saffron's face as she rolls her eyes in disgust, then kicks Wash in the head and knocks him out cold. Saffron rushes to the bridge and begins reprogramming the ship's navigation system, then shorts it out. She drags Wash out of the bridge, then seals the door with a kind of explosive sticky tape.)
(CATWALK)
(Saffron is running across the catwalk toward a shuttle door. As she reaches for the door, Inara opens it from the inside and steps out, startling them both.)
Inara: Oh! Are you lost?
Saffron: I'm sorry. I thought the other shuttle was yours.
Inara: It is. I was on the cortex and my screen shorted. This one's out too.
Saffron: Looking for customers?
Inara: What were you looking for?
Saffron: I don't mean to be rude. A companion's life is so glamorous and strange. I wish I had the skill for such a trade.
Inara: Like to please your new husband?
Saffron: Oh he'll have none of me. For true I'm somewhat relieved. If I'm to learn of love, I'd like it to be at the hands of someone gentle. Someone who could feel what I feel.
Inara: But Mal said... you-you don't approve of my work.
Saffron: Sure'n he said that to keep you from me. I was too curious about you. Ever since I saw you...
Inara: Come to my shuttle.
Saffron: You would... you would lie with me?
(Overhead, an alarm starts sounding, breaking the tension.)
Inara: I guess we've lied enough.
Saffron: You're good.
Inara: You're amazing. Who are you?
Saffron: Malcolm Reynold's widow.
(Inara, slightly stunned, blocks a punch from Saffron. Saffron pushes Inara down violently and runs for the shuttle, shutting the door behind her, strapping in, and firing up the engines.)
(SPACE)
(Shot of the shuttle detaching from Serenity and taking off.)
(SERENITY – CORRIDOR)
(Inara rounds a corner and ends up outside the bridge. Zoe is hovering over Wash, who is still on the ground.)
Zoe: Baby, wake up. (to Inara) He's bleeding!
Wash: There's no one in there.
Kaylee: (entering) What's going on?
(Inara climbs down the ladder from the corridor.)
(MAL'S ROOM)
(Inara sees Mal lying on the floor.)
Inara: (upset) Mal! Mal-Mal-Mal-Mal-Mal! (She runs to his side and kneels next to him, taking his head in her hands. Mal moans incoherently.) (in Chinese) Thank god. (Inara kisses him in relief. Inara rises and hits the comm.) Get the doctor, Mal's hurt. (growing groggy) He... (realizing, touching her lips) Oh... you stupid son of a --
(Inara collapses next to Mal on the floor.)
(TIME LAPSE)
(Close up shot of Mal's face. Mal wakes, looking around groggily.)
Mal: Is it Christmas?
(The entire crew tightly packed into Mal's room, watching him closely.)
Simon: Well, he's back.
Mal: What happened about me?
Zoe: Your blushing bride was a plant. (re: Wash) She took both of you out.
Mal: How did...?
Simon: Narcotic compound. Probably spread over a seal on her lips. You get it on yours, and pow.
Zoe: Lips, huh?
Mal: Well...
Simon: Yeah, we used to get a lot of guys brought in on the night shift at the ER. Usually robbed, very groggy. They called it the "good night kiss."
Zoe: So you two were kissin'?
Book: Well. Isn't that... special?
Mal: Wash, how did --
Wash: Hey, I just got kicked in the head.
Zoe: My man would never fall for that (in Chinese) cheap floozy.
Wash: Most of my head wishes I had.
Mal: You guys don't understand.
Book: Seems pretty simple from here. You were taking advantage of her --
Mal: I was the one being taken advantage of!
Book: My apologies. You were victimized, Wash was beaten, and Inara found you here.
Inara: (groggily) Then I fell. My head got hurt like Wash.
Mal: I don't get any of this.
Inara: (groggily) I only fell, is all.
Mal: What the hell's our status?
Zoe: We're shut down. Jayne and Kaylee are trying to get us on the bridge.
Wash: All we know is we're headed somewhere and it ain't Beaumonde.
(The crew starts standing and moving out of Mal's room. Simon approaches Inara, who has been propped awkwardly on a bunk throughout the scene, looking like a rag doll.)
Inara: (to Simon) I'm-I'm fine. I don't need to be examined. I'm comfy.
(CORRIDOR)
(Jayne lights a blowtorch and pulls down a pair of goggles over his eyes. Behind him, we follow Kaylee as she turns around and jogs down the stairs to meet Mal and company.)
Kaylee: She didn't just lock it, she fused it to something. Both entrances.
Mal: Why the big act? What was she after?
Book: Beside the less-than-innocent captain?
Mal: You want to stow it, preacher? We're in some peril here.
Zoe: She can fly this thing, or just take the shuttle.
Wash: Maybe she likes shuttles. (re: Zoe's look) Some people juggle geese!
(Jayne finally breaks through the seal on the doors.)
(BRIDGE)
(Wash and Kaylee are on their backs under the navigation system, staring up at wiring with flashlights.)
Kaylee: She's a pro.
Wash: This is a masterful job of muck-up. See how she crossed the drive feeds?
Kaylee: Ya-huh.
Wash: So we even try to reroute, it'll lock down. (in Chinese) Brilliant.
Kaylee: She went straight for the thermal cap.
Wash: Yeah, yeah. We are so hung!
Mal: I'm glad you two are havin' a good time under there. Can we progress to the makin' it right?
Wash: That's not gonna happen for a long while, cap'n.
Mal: Well we don't have a good long while. We could be headin' straight into a nice big solid moon, for all we know. So, how's about we get to work?
Kaylee: Hey. It was your big make-out session that got us into this, sir.
Mal: I was poisoned!
Inara: You were drugged.
Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.
(Long beat full of reaction shots while everyone processes this.)
Mal: Well what can you do?
Wash: Give us some time, we can get the cortex and nav comm back online. At least see where we're headed.
Mal: What about steering?
Inara: What about stopping?
Wash: She humped us hard. We're gonna have to do a lot of --
Mal: Well do it. Doesn't help me to see where we're going if I can't change course.
Kaylee: This girl really knows her ships.
Inara: That's not all she knows. She's well-schooled.
Simon: What do you mean, the sedative? The "good night kiss"?
Inara: Well, I only hit my head, but Mal went through that. But, no... I mean seduction. Body language, signals. She's had training. As in companion. As in academy.
Book: Our little Saffron's quite a wonder. I'm beginning to think she married beneath herself.
Mal: How do you know -- about the training?
Inara: She tried to seduce me, too.
Mal: Really? (beat) Did she... did you...
Inara: You don't play a player. It was sloppy of her to try it, but I think she was in a rush.
Mal: Yeah but she had professional... So in my case, it was really... (to Book) You woulda kissed her, too.
Zoe: Wash didn't.
Mal: But she was naked! And all... articulate!
Wash: Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.
(INTERGALACTIC CHOP SHOP)
(A radar screen is beeping.)
Breed: They're coming!
Corbin: How far out?
Breed: Ten minutes or so, right on target.
Corbin: Speed?
Breed: A1.
Corbin: That girl's a wonder.
Breed: She gets it done. Tell the boys.
(SERENITY – BRIDGE)
(Wash is working on restoring the nav comm.)
Wash: Yes!
Mal: You got it?
Wash: Uh, we got light, we got screens. It's a qualified yes. A partial.
Mal: What about nav control?
Kaylee: No.
Mal: So where are we headed?
Wash: The coordinates she entered we're headed for something and it's not too far.
Mal: Did she signal anybody?
Wash: Uh... (in Chinese) hold on a minute. (in English) She did. Same coordinates, no ID.
Jayne: Who's out there?
Wash: Let me see if her signal wave can translate into a visual. There might be... (looks at red blob on radar) Electromagnetic interference, uh... bouncing the signal all over the place. Look at it. Looks like a circle.
Mal: It's a net.
Jayne: I don't get it. Where we headed?
Book: The end of the line.
(SPACE - ELECTROMAGNETIC NET)
(Slowly pull back on the giant net that houses our intergalactic chop shop.)
(SERENITY – BRIDGE)
Book: It's a carrion house. Scrap shop. Takes ships, pulls 'em apart, or fixes 'em up.
Wash: Doesn't sound that scary.
Mal: That pattern you're lookin' at is a net. We fall into that we're more than just helpless. It'll turn this ship into one big electrical conduit and burn us all from the inside out.
Book: Some of the newer ones will just hold you, and then the scrappers will override the airlocks. Pull the O2 or just gas you. They're not lookin' to deal with survivors.
Jayne: One day you're gonna tell us all how a preacher knows so damn much about crime.
Mal: Kaylee?
Kaylee: I'm trying, sir.
Mal: Keep on it. We can't fall into that net. (beat) We're gonna need a Plan B. (Mal comes up with some kind of idea, walks across the bridge and hits the comm.) Zoe, get our suits prepped now. (to Wash) I figure we got one shot at this. Gimme a visual as soon as we're close.
Wash: It won't be long.
Jayne: What do I do?
Mal: You go get Vera.
(CARGO BAY)
(Mal, Zoe and Jayne are suiting up in their mylar space suits. Jayne is loading Vera.)
Jayne: She needs oxygen around her to fire and we don't have a case.
Mal: Gonna use a suit.
Simon: (bringing the suit) Here. We got it.
Jayne: What am I aimin' for, the window?
Mal: Well that might kill some folk but it won't short the net. See these six points where it'sbrightest? Those are the breakers. Hit one of those, should short it out.
Jayne: What do you mean "should"?
(SPACE)
(Close on Serenity, then reverse camera to watch the shop fly past toward the net.)
(ELECTROMAGNETIC NET)
(Pan across the glowing blue net.)
(SERENITY – AIRLOCK)
(Mal, Jayne and Zoe are suited up and waiting as the airlock opens to reveal the net.)
Mal: You see it?
Jayne: Clear as day. See, Vera? Dress yourself up; you get taken out somewhere fun.
(Long moment, then Jayne fires at the net.)
(INTERGALACTIC CHOP SHOP)
(Interior of their digs starts shaking and sparking. Our two criminals dive for cover.)
(SERENITY – AIRLOCK)
(Jayne fires Vera rapidly at the net.)
(INTERGALACTIC CHOP SHOP)
(Our two criminals watch bullets pound into the walls. They trade a slow glance of, "Oh, shit.")
(SPACE - ELECTROMAGNETIC NET)
(The blue sparks stop shooting just in time for Serenity to slip on through.)
(SERENITY – BRIDGE)
(Wash is looking triumphant.)
Wash: We got it. (Mal enters, looking hopeful.) It's not pretty, but we can steer enough to turn the hell around.
Mal: Nice work, Jerry Lee.
Kaylee: Not soon enough to help.
Mal: Hey. Lot easier to pull things apart than it is put 'em right. Let's do the best we can at floatin'.
(Mal kisses the top of Kaylee's head.)
Wash: Captain, didn't you know kissin' girls makes you sleepy?
Mal: Well sometimes I just can't help myself. (beat) Now, let's go visiting.
(PLANET SURFACE - WINTER – DAY)
(CABIN)
(Saffron, now made up and wearing revealing clothing, is packing when Mal bursts through the door with his gun drawn.)
Mal: Honey, I'm home. (Saffron freezes, then struggles with Mal. After a moment, he wrestles her onto the bed, pinning her arms and legs.) Looks like you get that wedding night, after all. (Saffron rolls them off the bed and they hit the floor, her back on the bottom after another struggle.) It's the first time, darlin'. I think you should be gentle with me.
Saffron: You gonna kill me?
Mal: Can you conjure up a terribly compelling reason for me not to?
Saffron: I didn't kill you.
Mal: You handed me and my crew over to those that would kill us. That buys you nothing.
Saffron: I made you dinner.
Mal: Why the act? All the seduction games, the dancin' about folk? There has to be an easier way to steal.
Saffron: You're assuming the payoff is the point.
Mal: I'm not assuming anything at this juncture.
Saffron: How'd you find me?
Mal: Only a few places that shuttle would make it to from where you left. Happy to find it intact.
Saffron: You're quite a man, Malcolm Reynolds. I've been waiting a long time for someone good enough to take me down.
(Beneath Mal, Saffron does a little wiggle-shimmy-bump-and-grind.)
Mal: Saffron, you even think about playing me again I will riddle you with holes.
Saffron: Everybody plays each other. That's all anybody ever does. We play parts.
Mal: You got all kinds of learnin' and you made me look the fool without tryin', and yet here I am with a gun to your head. That's 'cause I got people with me. People who trust each other, who do for each other, and ain't always lookin' for the advantage.
Saffron: Promise me you're gonna kill me soon.
Mal: Aw, you already know I ain't gonna.
Saffron: You know, you did pretty well. Most men...they're on me inside of ten minutes. Not tryin' to teach me to be strong and the like.
Mal: I got one question for you. Just one thing I'd like
to know, straight up.
Saffron: Ask me.
Mal: What's your real name? (Saffron stares at him for a moment -- it's not what she expected. Then, as she's about to reply, Mal knocks her out.) You'd have only lied, anyhow.
(SERENITY - INARA'S SHUTTLE)
(A knock sounds on Inara's door.)
Inara: Come in.
Mal: (entering) Back on course. Be on Beaumonde a day or two late. Hope that's all right.
Inara: Should be fine, thank you. And does the vixen live?
Mal: Yeah, if you can call it that. All's well, I suppose.
Inara: Yes.
Mal: You're a very graceful woman, Inara.
Inara: (startled) I -- (beat) Thank you.
Mal: So here's where I'm fuzzy. You got by that girl, came and found me. And somehow you happened to just trip and fall.
Inara: What do you mean?
Mal: How's about we don't play. You didn't just trip, did you?
Inara: No.
(Hold on that -- it's an intense moment. They're standing close, tension thrumming... Then, a big smile breaks over Mal's face.)
Mal: Isn't that something. (beat) I knew you let her kiss you.
(Mal leaves Inara's shuttle, grinning as big as all get out. Inara stares at his back as he leaves, blinking in disbelief.)
BLACKOUT