The Princess Bride
Transcribed By: Sonja
(A baseball video game is being played. A young kid is lying in bed, coughing. He's playing the game. The boy's mother enters and goes over to him.)
Mother: You feeling any better?
Boy: A little bit.
Mother: Guess what.
Boy: What?
Mother: Your grandfather's here.
Boy: (not happy) Mom, can't you tell him that I'm sick?
Mother: You are sick, that's why he's here.
Boy: He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that.
Mother: Maybe he won't.
(The boy gives her a look. The boy's Grandfather enters the room. He has a wrapped package tucked under one arm. He's goes over to the boy and pinches his cheek.)
Grandfather: Hey! How's the sickie? Heh?
(The boy gives his mother another look that say's 'I told you so.' The mother ignores it.)
Mother: I think I'll leave you two pals. (she leaves)
Grandfather: I brought you a special present.
Boy: What is it?
Grandfather: Open it up.
Boy: (opens the gift) A book?
Grandfather: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today, I'm gonna read it to you.
Boy: Has it got any sports in it?
Grandfather: Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles.
(The Grandfather sits down in a chair by the bed.)
Boy: (shrugs) It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Grandfather: Oh. Well, thank you very much. It's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. (he opens the book and begins to read.) The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin.
(Fade into the story)
Grandfather: (os) Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley, but she never called him that. (to the boy) Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
Boy: (os) Yeah. It's really good.
Grandfather: (os) Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.
(Buttercup's Family Farm - Day)
(Buttercup is standing holding the reins of her horse.)
Buttercup: Farm boy. (he looks at her) Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
Westley: As you wish.
Grandfather: (os) "As you wish" was all he ever said to her.
(A few days later)
(Westley is outside chopping wood. Buttercup comes out of the house and sets down two large buckets near him.)
Buttercup: Farm Boy. Fill these with water (a beat) please.
Westley: As you wish.
(Buttercup turns to leave but he continued to watch her. She stops and turns to look back at him.)
Grandfather: (os) That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you."
(Later)
(Buttercup is in the kitchen. Westley enters with an armload of firewood.)
Grandfather: (os) And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.
Buttercup: (pointing to a pitcher that she could easily reach herself) Farm Boy, fetch me that pitcher.
(Westley comes over to stand beside her. He slowly reaches up and gets the pitcher for her. She smiles.)
Westley: As you wish. (he turns and goes outside.)
(Buttercup's Farm)
(Westley and Buttercup are in a loving embrace. They are kissing.)
Boy: (os) Hold it. Hold it.
(The Boy's Room)
Boy: What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?
Grandfather: Wait, just wait.
Boy: Well, when does it get good?
Grandfather: Keep your shirt on. Let me read. (reading again) Westley had no money for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea.
(Buttercup's Farm)
(Westley and Buttercup are saying their good-bye's.)
Grandfather: (os) (reading) It was a very emotional time for Buttercup…
Boy: (os) (groaning) I don't be-leeve this.
Buttercup: I fear I'll never see you again.
Westley: Of course you will.
Buttercup: But what if something happens to you?
Westley: Hear this now: I will come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Westley: This is true love. You think this happens every day?
(He smiles at her, and then she smiles back. She gives him a big hug. They kiss. Then Westley walks away and Buttercup watches him go.)
Grandfather: (os) (reading) Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered…
Boy: (os) Murdered by pirates is good.
(Buttercup is staring out the window of her bedroom.)
Grandfather: (os) …She went into her room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate.
Buttercup: I will never love again.
(Close up on her face, it's very sad.)
(Florin Castle - Day)
(There is a large group of citizens gathered in the main courtyard of the palace.)
Grandfather: (os) (reading) Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Humperdink's bride-to be.
(Prince Humperdink stands on the balcony and addresses his people.)
Humperdink: (raises his hands, starts to speak) My people ... a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves, (pause) but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?
Crowd: Yes!
(The crowd turns to face a doorway, where a figure now stands. The figure slowly walks forward until we can see her. It's Buttercup. She's very beautiful.)
Humperdink: My people ... the Princess Buttercup!!
(Buttercup stops walking just outside the doorway. She's now among the people. They all fall to their knees.)
Grandfather: (os) Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humperdink the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Humperdink's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.
(Woods)
(Shot of Buttercup riding her horse into a wooded glen. It's almost sundown. Buttercup stops.)
Man: A word, my lady?
(Shot of three men standing side by side. These are Vizzini, a Sicilian, Inigo Montoya, a Spaniard, and Fezzik, a giant.)
Vizzini: We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?
Buttercup: There is nothing nearby, not for miles.
Vizzini: Then there will be no one to hear you scream.
(He nods at Fezzik, who reaches over and renders Buttercup unconscious, cutting off her scream before it can start.)
(Florin Channel)
(A sailboat stands ready to sail. Inigo finishes his final preparations for their departure. Fezzik carries Buttercup on board. Vizzini rips a piece of fabric from an Army jacket and tucks it in the saddle of Buttercup's horse.)
Inigo: What is that you're ripping?
Vizzini: (without stopping what he's doing) It's fabric from the uniform of an Army officer of Guilder.
Fezzik: Who's Guilder?
Vizzini: (points) The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Florin. (slaps the horse's rump) Go!
(The horse takes off running.)
Vizzini: Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone.
(Vizzini hops onto the boat.)
Vizzini: I've hired you to help me start a war. That's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition.
Fezzik: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.
Vizzini: Am I going mad or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass.
Inigo: I agree with Fezzik.
Vizzini: (getting very mad) Oh. The sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her. (louder) And remember this… never forget this…(to Inigo) when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy, (to Fezzik, who backs up as much as he can) and you…friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless. Do you want me to send you back to where you were, unemployed in Greenland?
(Vizzini glares at him, then turns, leaves them. During all of this Inigo has inched his way closer to Fezzik, who is upset at what just happened. Inigo casts off.)
Inigo: (softly) That Vizzini, he can fuss.
Fezzik: (looking at Inigo) Fuss... fuss...I think he likes to scream at us.
Inigo: Probably he means no harm.
Fezzik: He's really very short on charm.
Inigo: (proudly) Oh, you've a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, some of the time. (he smiles)
Vizzini: (irritated) Enough of that.
(As they sail off we can hear Inigo and Fezzik continuing with their rhyming game.)
Inigo: (os) Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we'll all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
(Vizzini screams in irritation.)
(Later)
(Night has fallen now, and the Kidnappers are deeply in the Florin Channel headed for Guilder. Inigo is at the helm, Fezzik stands near Buttercup. Vizzini sits motionless.)
Vizzini: (to Inigo) We'll reach the Cliffs by dawn.
(Inigo nods, then turns to glance behind the boat.)
Vizzini: Why are you doing that?
Inigo: Making sure nobody's following us.
Vizzini: That would be inconceivable.
Buttercup: Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the Prince will see you all hanged.
Vizzini: Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own.
(Inigo keeps turning to look behind them.)
Vizzini: Stop doing that. We can all relax, it's almost over.
Inigo: You're sure nobody's following us?
Vizzini: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done. And no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. (pause) Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Inigo: No reason. It's only, I just happened to look behind us, and something is there.
Vizzini: What?
(Fezzik and Vizzini rush to the back of the boat to look behind them.)
(Shot of a small ship following them. The ship has a black sail.)
(Shot of Inigo, Fezzik, and Vizzini staring at the boat.)
Vizzini: Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel-infested waters.
(Suddenly a splash can be heard. The guys turn and see Buttercup in the water.)
Vizzini: Go in, get after her!
Inigo: I don't swim.
Fezzik: I only dog paddle.
Vizzini: Veer left. Left. Left!
(Shot of Buttercup in the water. She stops swimming as she hears a high-pitched shrieking sound.)
Vizzini: Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the Shrieking Eels. If you doubt me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh.
(Shot of Buttercup still treading water. She's not that far from the boat. The eels are getting louder and closer.)
Vizzini: If you swim back now, I promise, no harm will come to you. I doubt you will get such an offer from the eels.
(Shot of Buttercup still in the water. She stays silent. The shrieking is getting louder, and something brushes past her. Suddenly one of the eels zero's in on her…she sees it coming closer to her…the eel continues to get closer…the eel opens it's mouth wide…)
Grandfather: (os) She doesn't get eaten by the Eels at this time.
(The Boy's Room)
Boy: What?
Grandfather: The eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous.
Boy: Well, I wasn't nervous. (The Grandfather just looks at him.) Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned. But that's not the same thing.
Grandfather: Because I can stop now if you want.
Boy: No. You could read a little bit more ... if you want.
(The Grandfather picks up the book)
Grandfather: (reading) "Do you know what that sound is, Highness?"
(Florin Channel)
(We're back in the boat.)
Vizzini: Those are the Shrieking Eels.
Boy: (os) We're past that, Grandpa.
(The Boy's Room)
Boy: You read it already.
Grandfather: Oh. Oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon.
(Florin Channel)
(Buttercup is treading water.)
Grandfather: (os) All right, all right, let's see. Uh, she was in the water, the Eel was coming after her. She was frightened. The Eel started to charge her. And then…
(Now we're back where we left off. The eel is bearing down on her with it's mouth wide open. Suddenly a giant hand pounds the eel unconscious, then picks Buttercup up out of the water. Fezzik then drops Buttercup onto the Deck of the boat.)
Vizzini: Put her down. Just put her down.
Inigo: (pointing to the boat behind them.) I think he's getting closer.
(Vizzini is busy tying Buttercup's hands.)
Vizzini: He's no concern of ours. Sail on! (to Buttercup) I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?
Buttercup: Only compared to some.
(Dawn)
(The black sailboat is bearing down on our Kidnappers. The black sailboat is manned by a Man in Black.)
Inigo: Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using.
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's too late(pointing ahead of them) See? (insanely) The Cliffs of Insanity!
(Shot of the Cliffs of Insanity. They are incredibly high.)
(Shot of the two sailboats. The Man in Black getting ever closer, but not close enough.)
Vizzini: Hurry up. Move the thing and ... that other thing. Move it! (staring back now) We're safe. Only Fezzik is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours 'til he finds a harbor.
(The Cliffs of Insanity)
(Now they have reached the Cliffs. Inigo straps a harness to Fezzik. He lifts Buttercup into one side, then Vizzini. He then straps himself in. Then Fezzik begins to climb right up the wall, carrying all four of them.)
(Shot of the Man in Black reaching the Cliffs. Shot of Fezzik climbing all the way up the cliffs. Shot of the Man in Black jumping from his ship and starting to climb the rope. He's very fast. Quickly closing the gap between himself and the others.)
(Fezzik is still climbing at a steady pace.)
Inigo: (looking down) He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us.
Vizzini: Inconceivable!
(He pokes Fezzik who increases his pace.)
(The Man in Black continues to gain on the others.)
Vizzini: (shrieking) Faster!
Fezzik: I thought I was going faster.
Vizzini: You were supposed to be this colossus. You were this great, legendary thing. And yet he gains.
Fezzik: Well, I'm carrying three people. And he's got only himself.
Vizzini: I do not accept excuses. (shaking his head) I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all.
Fezzik: Don't say that, Vizzini. Please.
(The Man in Black continues to gain.)
Vizzini: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?
(The Top of the Cliffs)
(Vizzini quickly gets off and goes over to where the rope is tied to a large rock. He pulls out a knife and begins to cut the rope. Inigo quickly helps Buttercup up. Fezzik gets up himself and stands off to the side. Looking around, they are in what's left of a castle. It's very worn down.)
(The Man in Black is almost at the top.)
(The Top of the Cliffs)
(Vizzini finishes cutting the rope, and it drags across the ground and falls into the Channel. Fezzik, Buttercup, and Inigo are standing by the edge of the cliff.)
Fezzik: (to Inigo, impressed) He has very good arms.
(The Cliff Wall)
(The Man in Black is hanging onto the cliff rocks for dear life.)
(The Top of the Cliffs)
Vizzini: He didn't fall? Inconceivable!!
Inigo: You keep using that word -- I do not think it means what you think it means. (looks down again) My God! He's climbing.
(The Cliff Wall)
(The Man in Black has indeed begun to climb. Very slowly, and carefully.)
(The Top of the Cliffs)
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Princess, and must therefore die. (to Fezzik) You, carry her. (to Inigo) We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.
Inigo: (nods) I want to duel him left-handed.
Vizzini: You know what a hurry we're in.
Inigo: Well, it's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right it's over too quickly.
Vizzini: (turns abruptly, starts off-screen) Oh, have it your way.
(The Cliff Wall)
(The Man in Black continues to climb very slowly.)
(The Top of the Cliffs)
Fezzik: (to Inigo) You be careful. (gravely) People in masks cannot be trusted.
Vizzini: (calling out) I'm waiting!
(Fezzik nods, hurries after Vizzini.)
(Inigo watches them leave, then turns to look down at the Man in Black. He watches a moment, then walks around relaxing his muscles for the fight to come. He doesn't like waiting. He goes back to look at the Man in Black. He walks away again, and then goes back.)
(NOTE: From here on out, the Man in Black, will be known as MIB. It's easier to type.)
Inigo: (hollering down) Hello there.
(The Man in Black glances up.)
Inigo: Slow going?
MIB: Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks. So I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
Inigo: Sorry.
MIB: Thank you.
(Inigo walks away, draws his sword, and practices a bit. He then re-sheathes his sword and looks over the edge again.)
Inigo: I do not suppose you could speed things up?
MIB: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope, or a tree branch, or find something useful to do.
Inigo: I could do that. In fact, I've got some rope up here. But I do not think that you will accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
MIB: That does put a damper on our relationship. (He finds another hold a few inches higher)
Inigo: But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
MIB: That's very comforting. But I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Inigo: I hate waiting. (starts to walk away but quickly comes back.) I could give you my word as a Spaniard.
MIB: No good. I've known too many Spaniards.
Inigo: You don't know any way you'll trust me?
MIB: Nothing comes to mind.
Inigo: I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive.
MIB: (pause) Throw me the rope.
(Inigo quickly goes and uncoils more of the rope and throws it over the edge. The MIB grabs the rope and hangs on. Inigo begins to pull the man up the cliff. Inigo pulls him all the way to the top. The MIB climbs gratefully onto solid ground.)
MIB: Thank you. (begins to pull out his sword)
Inigo: We'll wait until you're ready.
MIB: Again. Thank you.
(The MIB goes over and sits down. He tugs off one of his boots and turns it upside down. Several stones fall out. Inigo stares at the MIB's gloved hands.)
Inigo: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?
(The MIB glances up.)
MIB: Do you always begin conversations this way?
Inigo: My father was slaughtered by a six- fingered man. (The MIB holds up his hand, which has only five fingers. Inigo shrugs and continues.) He was a great sword-maker, my father. And when the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done.
(He pulls out his sword and hands it to the Man in Black. The Man in Black turns it back and forth, examining it.)
MIB: I have never seen its equal.
Inigo: The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so, naturally, challenged his murderer to a duel ... I failed ... the six-fingered man did leave me alive with the six-fingered sword, but he gave me these. (He touches his scars.)
MIB: How old were you?
Inigo: I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
MIB: You've done nothing but study swordplay?
Inigo: More pursuit than study lately. (he sits down next to the MIB) You see, I cannot find him. It's been twenty years now. I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.
MIB: (handing back the great sword, starting to rise) Well, I certainly hope you find him, someday.
Inigo: You are ready, then?
MIB: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
Inigo: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
MIB: (walking away a few paces, unsheathing his sword) You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
Inigo: Begin!
(And so the fight begins. I don't know much about swordplay, so I'll give the best description I can. Our two guys fight in earnest. It's easy to see that they have both studied. They are equal fighters. Inigo forces the MIB up a rocky incline.)
Inigo: You're using Bonetti's defense against me, ah?
MIB: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain.
Inigo: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Cappa Ferro.
MIB: Naturally. But I find Thibault cancels out Cappa Ferro, don't you?
(The MIB is now at the edge of the castle ruin. He jumps onto the sand as Inigo stares down at him.)
Inigo: Unless the enemy has studied Itsa Glippa. (He then somersaults over the MIB's head, and lands facing him.) Which I have.
(The battle continues. They get closer and closer to the edge of the Cliffs. The MIB keeps forcing Inigo closer and closer to the edge.)
Inigo: You are wonderful!
MIB: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
(The Cliff edge is very close now. Inigo is continually being forced toward it.)
Inigo: I admit it, you are better than I am.
MIB: Then why are you smiling?
(Inigo is indeed smiling.)
Inigo: Because I know something you don't know.
MIB: And what is that?
Inigo: I am not left-handed.
(He then tosses his sword into his right hand and immediately the battle turns in favor of Inigo. The MIB is a little stunned. Now he's the one trying to keep up. Now Inigo is in control of the battle.)
MIB: You're amazing!
Inigo: I ought to be after twenty years.
(Inigo has now backed the MIB up against a stone pillar. He's close to going over the edge.)
MIB: There's something I ought to tell you.
Inigo: Tell me.
MIB: I am not left-handed either.
(He tosses the sword into his other hand, and now the battle is equal again. Inigo is forced down the steps, and suddenly the MIB knocks his sword out of his hand. Inigo quickly retreats to go get his sword. He spots a moss covered bar suspended in an archway. He swing out and quickly gets his sword. The MIB tosses his sword into a pile of moss, where it lands perfectly, with the handle in the air. Then he does a swing on the bar as well. He spins completely over a couple of times, and lands perfectly. He picks up his sword, ever so casually.)
Inigo: (in awe) Who are you?!
MIB: No one of consequence.
Inigo: I must know.
MIB: Get used to disappointment.
Inigo: Okay.
(They continue to fight until eventually Inigo again loses his sword. He drops to his knees and shuts his eyes.)
Inigo: Kill me quickly.
MIB: I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either…(he slams the handle of his sword onto Inigo's head. Inigo falls forward, unconscious.) Please understand, I hold you in the highest respect.
(He grabs his scabbard and takes off after the others.)
(Mountain)
Vizzini: Inconceivable!
(Vizzini is staring down the mountain path as the MIB runs after them. Fezzik is carrying Buttercup.)
Vizzini: Give her to me. (grabs Buttercup starts off) Catch up with us quickly.
Fezzik: What do I do?
Vizzini: Finish him, finish him. Your way.
Fezzik: Oh, good, my way. Thank you, Vizzini. (pause) Which way is my way?
Vizzini: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder, and in a few minutes, the Man in Black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock! (He and Buttercup hurry off.)
Fezzik: (little frown; softly) My way's not very sportsmanlike.
(He picks up one of the rocks and goes to hide behind the boulder.)
(A Few Minutes Later)
(The MIB comes running up the trail. He slows down and then stops. He slowly starts forward again when suddenly a rock flies at him, and smashes on the boulder just inches from his head. The Man in Black turns to look at Fezzik comes out of hiding. Fezzik has another rock in his hand.)
Fezzik: I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss.
MIB: I believe you. So what happens now?
Fezzik: We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
MIB: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword, and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people?
Fezzik: (raises the rock) I could kill you now.
(The MIB shakes his head, takes off his sword and scabbard, begins the approach toward the Giant.)
MIB: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise. (he tosses the rock aside.)
(The two men face each other. The MIB is now the smaller of the two. There is a pause and then the MIB throws himself at Fezzik. He tries a number of different wrestling moves, but to no avail. Fezzik isn't even fazed.)
MIB: Look are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Fezzik: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed.
(They brace themselves to start again. Fezzik makes his move as he jumps forward and tries to grab the MIB. The MIB drops do his knees and slips between Fezzik's legs.)
Fezzik: You're quick.
MIB: And a good thing too.
Fezzik: Why do you wear a mask? Were you burned by acid, or something like that?
MIB: Oh no. It's just that they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.
(Fezzik considers that for a moment, then makes his move. The MIB quickly slips down to avoid the charge, but Fezzik moves right with him. As Fezzik turns his back, the MIB quickly jumps behind him and wraps his arms around Fezzik's throat. The MIB hangs on for dear life as Fezzik tries to get him off his back.)
Fezzik: I just figured out why you give me so much trouble.
(Fezzik begins stumbling around as he fights for air. He slams back against a rock. The MIB takes the brunt of this.)
MIB: (his arms never leave FEZZIK's throat) Why is that, do you think?
Fezzik: (his voice just beginning to get a little strained) Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing.
(Fezzik slams into another rock, and again the MIB takes the brunt of the force.)
MIB: Why should that make such a …(another slam)…difference?
Fezzik: Well ...(he's growing weaker and weaker) ... you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about one.
(Again Fezzik slams the MIB into a rock. Only this time Fezzik is about to pass out from lack of air. The MIB never releases his grip as Fezzik falls to the ground and passes out. The MIB finally lets go and rolls Fezzik over. He puts his ear to Fezzik's heart to make sure he's still breathing.)
MIB: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well ... and dream of large women.
(He gets up and picks up his sword with his foot. He then follows after Vizzini.)
(The Cliffs of Insanity)
(Prince Humperdink and his search party, which includes Count Rugen, have arrived at the Cliffs. Humperdink imitates the dual that took place earlier.)
Humperdink: There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters.
Rugen: Who won? How did it end?
Humperdink: (looks around) The loser ran off alone. (points to some footprints) The winner followed those footprints toward Guilder!
Rugen: Shall we track them both?
Humperdink: The loser is nothing. Only the Princess matters. (to the armed warriors) Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Guilder. We must be ready for whatever lies ahead.
Rugen: Could this be a trap?
Humperdink: (vaulting onto his horse) I always think everything could be a trap. Which is why I'm still alive.
(They ride off.)
(Hillside)
(The MIB crests a hill and finds Vizzini and Buttercup seated and a make-shift table. Vizzini has a knife pointed at Buttercup's throat, and Buttercup is blindfolded. Vizzini is eating an apple. On the table there is a tablecloth, two wine glasses and a bottle of wine. There is also some cheese and a few apples. As the MIB sees Vizzini he slows down.)
Vizzini: So, it is down to you. And it is down to me. (The MIB nods and moves closer.) If you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward.
(He pushes the knife closer to Buttercup's throat.)
MIB: Let me explain…
Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.
MIB: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached.
Vizzini: There will be no arrangement. And you're killing her!
(He pushes the knife hard against Buttercup's throat, and she gasps. The MIB stops in his tracks.)
MIB: Well, if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically. And you're no match for my brains.
MIB: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
MIB: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons.
MIB: Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Vizzini: For the Princess?
(The MIB nods.)
Vizzini: To the death?
(The MIB nods again.)
Vizzini: I accept.
MIB: Good. Then pour the wine.
(Vizzini fills the glasses with wine as the MIB pulls a small packet from his pocket. He hands it to Vizzini.)
MIB: Inhale this, but do not touch.
Vizzini: (sniffs and hands the packet back to the MIB) I smell nothing.
MIB: (taking the packet) What you do not smell is called Iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadlier poisons known to man.
Vizzini: Hmm.
(Vizzini watches at the MIB takes both glasses and turns his back. A moment later he turns back and sets the glasses on the table, one in front of Vizzini and one in front of himself. He drops the empty packet beside the glasses. )
MIB: All right, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's? (he studies the MIB) Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I'm not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
MIB: (giving nothing away) You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: Not remotely. Because Iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
MIB: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait till I get going! Where was I?
MIB: Australia.
Vizzini: Yes, Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
MIB: You're just stalling now.
Vizzini: (cackling) You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
MIB: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Vizzini: (triumphant) It has worked. You've given everything away! I know where the poison is.
MIB: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will. And I choose…(he stops and points at something behind the MIB.) What in the world can that be?
(The MIB turns to look.)
MIB: What? Where? I don't see anything.
(While the MIB's back is turned Vizzini switches the glasses.)
Vizzini: Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
(The MIB turns to face him again. Vizzini starts to laugh.)
MIB: What's so funny?
Vizzini: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
(They both pick up their glasses and drink.)
MIB: (smiling) You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: (roaring with laughter) You only think I guessed wrong. (louder now) That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. You fool.
(The MIB just watches him.)
Vizzini: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line."
(He laughs and continues to laugh, until he falls over dead. The MIB steps over him and takes the blindfold off Buttercup, who looks down at Vizzini's now dead body. The MIB then unties her hands and feet.)
Buttercup: Who are you?
MIB: I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know.
Buttercup: (a final glance back toward Vizzini) To think all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
MIB: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocane powder.
(He then takes off, dragging Buttercup behind him.)
(Mountain Path)
(Humperdink and his army has arrived at the place where the MIB fought Fezzik. Fezzik is now long gone. Humperdink is looking around.)
Humperdink: Someone has beaten a giant! There will be great suffering in Guilder if she dies.
(He leaps onto his horse and they charge off.)
(Open Terrain)
(The MIB comes into view, still dragging Buttercup behind him. He finally stops when she is close to exhaustion.)
MIB: (his voice harsh now) Catch your breath.
Buttercup: If you'll release me ... whatever you ask for ransom ... you'll get it, I promise you!
MIB: And what is that worth, the promise of a woman? You're very funny, Highness.
Buttercup: I was giving you a chance. No matter where you take me ... there's no greater hunter than Prince Humperdink. He could track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
MIB: You think your dearest love will save you?
Buttercup: I never said he was my dearest love. And yes, he will save me. That I know.
MIB: You admit to me you do not love your fiancée?
Buttercup: He knows I do not love him.
MIB: "Are not capable of love" is what you mean.
Buttercup: I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream.
(The MIB raises his hand as if to strike her, but he does not.)
MIB: That was a warning, Highness. The next time, my hand flies on its own. For where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies.
(The Picnic Table)
(Humperdink has arrived and found Vizzini's body. The picnic is spread as before. Humperdink picks up the now empty poison packet and sniffs it.)
Humperdink: Iocane. I'd bet my life on it. (gestures to the trail ahead) And there are the Princess's footprints. She is alive ... or was, an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be very put out.
(He jumps up onto his horse and they head off again.)
(The Ravine)
(Buttercup is thrust towards a log at the edge of the Ravine.)
MIB: Rest, Highness.
Buttercup: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. (The MIB just looks at her.) You're the Dread Pirate Roberts! Admit it!
MIB: With pride. (bows) What can I do for you?
Buttercup: You can die slowly cut into a thousand pieces.
MIB: Hardly complimentary, Your Highness. Why loose your venom on me?
Buttercup: You killed my love.
(The MIB watches her closely.)
MIB: It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another Prince like this one? Ugly, rich, and scabby?
Buttercup: No. A farm boy, poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm. (pause) On the high seas, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners.
MIB: I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time.
Buttercup: You mock my pain.
MIB: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be, what, five years ago?
(Buttercup nods.)
MIB: Does it bother you to hear?
Buttercup: Nothing you can say will upset me.
MIB: He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please. Please, I need to live." It was the "please" that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him. "True love," he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.
Buttercup: And what am I?
MIB: Faithfulness he talked of, madam. Your enduring faithfulness. Now, tell me truly. When you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?
Buttercup: You mocked me once, never do it again. I died that day!
(The MIB is about to reply when something catches his attention. He looks up and can see Humperdink and his army high up on the hill. As he watches them Buttercup braces herself.)
Buttercup: You can die too, for all I care!
(She gives a great shove and he falls into the ravine. He rolls down the impossibly steep hill, stumbling over rocks, and such. Buttercup just watches, but as the MIB rolls down the hill, we can hear him call up to her.)
MIB: As ... you ... wish...
Buttercup: Oh, my sweet Westley; what have I done?
(And without a second thought she starts into the ravine. A moment later, she too is falling, spinning and twisting, crashing and torn, down the steep hill.)
(The Edge of the Ravine)
Humperdink: Disappeared. He must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking in error. Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the Fire Swamp.
(The Ravine)
(Buttercup and Westley lie a few feet apart. Westley gets up and moves over to Buttercup. Westley gathers Buttercup into his arms.)
Westley: Can you move at all?
Buttercup: Move? You're alive. If you want, I can fly.
Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Buttercup: Well ... you were dead.
Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: There will never be a need.
(They begin to kiss when…)
Boy: (os) Oh no. No, please.
(The Boy's Bedroom)
Grandfather: What is it? What's the matter?
Boy: They're kissing again, do we have to hear the kissing part?
Grandfather: Someday, you may not mind so much.
Boy: Skip on to the Fire Swamp, that sounded good.
Grandfather: Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you. (he picks up the book again) So now, where were we here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah. Oh. Okay. Westley and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor.
(The Ravine)
(Buttercup and Westley race along the ravine floor towards the Fire Swamp. Westley glances up behind them and spots Humperdink and his men perched on the edge of the Ravine watching them.)
Westley: Ha. Your pig fiancée is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp.
Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.
(The Fire Swamp)
(The Fire Swamp isn't really so bad. It's dark, dank, and scary. Just like any other swamp. Except this one is a dry swamp. No water. There's also very little light.)
Westley: It's not that bad. I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.
(Buttercup just looks at him like he's crazy. They continue walking and suddenly there is a loud popping sound. They stop, trying to figure out what it is, when a flame bursts up out of the ground and catches Buttercup's dress on fire. Westley quickly puts the fire out and tries to calm Buttercup.)
Westley: Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?
Buttercup: (She shakes her head "no") You?
(He too shakes his head "no." As he pulls her to her feet there is another popping sound. Westley quickly picks up Buttercup and pulls her to the side as another flame bursts up from the ground.)
Westley: Well, one thing I will say. The Fire Swamp certainly does keep you on your toes.
(They continue forward into the Fire Swamp.)
(Later)
(Our hero and heroine are still in the Fire Swamp, but it's later in the day.)
Westley: (happily) This will all soon be but a happy memory because Roberts' ship "Revenge" is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts.
Buttercup: But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?
Westley: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. (There is another popping sound, and Westley simply picks Buttercup up and moves her out of harms way just as a flame shoots up. He keeps on talking without missing a beat.) You see, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. (They reach some ugly looking vines, and Westley takes out his sword, and begins slicing them a path.) Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right, Westley, I've never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.
Buttercup: What? Go on.
(Westley picks her up and carry's her across some swamp water that is bridged by a narrow, rickety tree branch.)
Westley: Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret. "I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts," he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts, either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. (The two of them have now crossed the swamp water.) So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except, now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?
(Buttercup still looks a little confused, but she nods "yes". She moves to continue walking, but when she takes her next step she steps into a patch of Lightening Sand, and she sinks immediately. Westley look on in horror, and then uses his sword to slash a vine in half. He takes one half, takes a deep breath, and dives into the Lightening Sand. There is complete silence for a moment and then a R.O.U. S. pads into view. The R.O.U.S. (Rodents of Unusual Size are probably only about 50 lbs.) sniffs at the sand, and then walks off. Suddenly Westley bursts through the sand and takes a deep breath. Buttercup takes a deep breath also as she breaks free of the Lightening Sand. Both Westley and Buttercup are now covered in sand. The R.O.U.S. watches them as Westley pulls them to safety then lets go of the vine. Westley wipes some of the sand away from Buttercup's face. He glances up and spots the R.O.U.S. He manfully tries to ignore it and press on.)
Buttercup: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.
Westley: No. No. We have already succeeded. (he glances back at the R.O.U.S. again, only to see that there are now two of them. He helps Buttercup to her feet and they start walking.) I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurts. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the Lightning Sand. But you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
Buttercup: Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?
Westley: Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist...
(And at that exact moment the R.O.U.S launches itself at Westley, knocking both of them to the ground. Buttercup screams as Wesley and the beast fight each other. Wesley desperately tries to get to his sword. He flips the beast off of him and makes for his sword. The rodent sets it's sights on Buttercup.)
Buttercup: Westley!
(Westley forgets his sword and grabs the rodent by the tail, keeping it away from Buttercup. He grabs a tree branch and bashes the rodent in the head. But the rodent manages to grab onto the hem of Buttercup's dress and drags her to the ground. The beast sinks it's teeth into Westley's shoulder. Wesley pauses as he hears the now familiar popping sound of the flame spurt. He rolls the beast over until they reach the spot where the flame will come up, and as it does the R.O.U.S. is caught in the flames. Westley lets go of it and gets up quickly. He grabs his sword and stabs the rodent several times to make sure it stays dead. Westley is clearly exhausted.)
(Later)
(Buttercup and Westley have reached the opposite end of the Fire Swamp and they emerge victorious.)
Buttercup: (in disbelief) We did it.
Westley: Now, was that so terrible?
(As they look up the spot Humperdink and his men waiting for them. More men circle around behind them.)
Humperdink: Surrender!
Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.
Humperdink: I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.
Westley: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time. So, whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.
Humperdink: I tell you once again, surrender!
Westley: Will not happen!
(Buttercup looks around and sees all the men with their weapons pointed at Westley.)
Humperdink: For the last time SURRENDER!
Westley: DEATH FIRST!!
Buttercup: Will you promise not to hurt him?
Humperdink: What was that?
Westley: Yes, what was that?
Buttercup: If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?
Humperdink: (right hand held high) May I live a thousand years and never hunt again.
Buttercup: (looks at Westley) He is a sailor on the pirate ship "Revenge." Promise to return him to his ship.
Humperdink: I swear it will be done.
(Buttercup and Westley stare deeply into each other's eyes.)
Humperdink: (quietly to Count Rugen) Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair.
Rugen: I swear it will be done.
Buttercup: I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you.
(Westley is clearly shocked by this turn of events and can think of nothing to say. Buttercup goes to say something more, but she's swooped off her feet and onto Humperdink's horse. They head back to Florin. Westley stares after them. Then he's escorted over to Count Rugen.)
Rugen: Come, sir. We must get you to your ship.
Westley: We are men of action. Lies do not become us.
Rugen: Well spoken, sir. (Westley glances down and spots that Rugen has six fingers on his right hand.) What is it?
Westley: You have six fingers on your right hand…someone was looking for you.
(Rugen clubs Westley hard across the skull. Westley falls unconscious.)
(The Pit of Despair.)
(Westley is strapped to a table. He's still unconscious. An Albino man enters the pit carrying medicine. He sets down the tray as Westley wakes up.)
Westley: Where am I?
Albino: (hoarse whisper) The Pit of Despair. (He begins to clean Westley's wounds. Westley winces in pain.) Don't even think…(he does a hacking cough and his voice is now normal.)…don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either. The only way in is secret. And only the Prince, the Count, and I know how to get in and out.
Westley: Then I'm here till I die?
Albino: Till they kill you. Yeah.
Westley: Then why bother curing me?
Albino: The Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.
Westley: So it's to be torture. (The Albino nods.) (false bravado) I can cope with torture. (The Albino shakes his head 'no'.) You don't believe me?
Albino: You survived the Fire Swamp. You must be very brave... (little pause)... but nobody withstands The Machine.
(Westley has a very thoughtful look on his face as he takes this in.)
(Florin Castle - Day)
(Buttercup is wandering down a corridor. She's very sad. She walks past an intersecting corridor, and Humperdink and Rugen watch her. She doesn't even see them.)
Humperdink: She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp. (looks at Rugen) It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her.
Rugen: Of course.
(Florin Castle - Night)
Grandfather: (os) The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdink were married.
(Florin Castle - Main Courtyard - Day)
(Prince Humperdink and the old Queen stand on the Balcony.)
Grandfather: (os) And at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their Queen.
Humperdink: My father's final words were...
Boy: (os) Hold it. Hold it, Grandpa.
(The Boy's Room)
(The boy is now sitting up in bed. He's obviously feeling much better now. He's very into the story.)
Boy: You read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdink, she marries Westley. I'm just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her, if she does not marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
Grandfather: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair.
Boy: I'm telling you you're messing up the story, now get it right!
Grandfather: Do you want me to go on with this?
Boy: Yes.
Grandfather: All right, then. No more interruptions. (starts to read again) ... at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their Queen.
(Florin Castle - Main Courtyard)
Humperdink: My father's final words were "love her as I loved her, and there will be joy." I present to you your Queen. Queen Buttercup.
(Buttercup again emerges from the Archway. All the people kneel down before her. All but one. An old woman stands and boos Buttercup.)
Buttercup: Why do you do this?
Old Woman: Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up.
Buttercup: But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it.
Old Woman: Your true love lives and you marry another. (to the crowd) True love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse! So, bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo!
(She advances on Buttercup now, who is more and more panicked.)
(Buttercup's Bedroom)
(Buttercup wakes up from her nightmare. She grabs a robe and hurries out of her room.)
Grandfather: (os) It was ten days till the wedding. The King still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were growing steadily worse.
Boy: (os) See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdink?
Grandfather: (os) Yes, you're very smart. Shut-Up.
(Study)
(Buttercup rushes into the Prince's Study. Count Rugen stands nearby, watching.)
Buttercup: It comes to this, I love Westley. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning.
(There is a thick pause while Humperdink takes this in.)
Humperdink: I could never cause you grief; consider our wedding off. (to Rugen) You returned this Westley to his ship?
Rugen: Yes.
Humperdink: Then we will simply alert him. (to Buttercup) Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.
Buttercup: My Westley will always come for me.
Humperdink: I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships. One in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both. If not ... please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?
(Buttercup nods.)
(Forest)
(Count Rugen and Humperdink are walking through the forest.)
Rugen: Your Princess is really a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable.
Humperdink: Oh, I know. The people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war.
(Rugen stops in front of a particular tree.)
Rugen: Now, where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find. (Finding the knot on the tree he touches it and a door within the tree opens up, revealing a descending stairway.) Are you coming down into the Pit? Westley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on The Machine tonight.
Humperdink: Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work. But, I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped.
Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything.
(He gives Humperdink a small smile and then goes down into the Pit. The door closes behind him, perfectly in place.)
(The Pit of Despair)
(A very large machine stands ready to be used. Rugen rolls Westley's table right up next to this machine.)
Rugen: Beautiful, isn't it? (The Albino starts attaching suction cups to Westley) It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present I'm writing the definitive work on the subject. So I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel. (There is a lever on the side of The Machine that reads 1-50. Rugen goes over to it.) This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. (He turns The Machine on to "1". Westley begins to twitch with pain. Rugen watches for a moment and then shuts the machine off.) As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really, that's all this is. Except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel? (Westley says nothing, he just begins to cry.) Interesting.
(Florin Castle - Study)
(Humperdink is up to his neck in paperwork. A middle-aged man appears in the doorway.)
Humperdink: Yellin.
(Yellin walks over to him bows, then kneels beside his chair.)
Yellin: Sire.
Humperdink: As Chief Enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.
Yellin: My spy network has heard no such news.
(Buttercup enters the study.)
Buttercup: Any word from Westley?
Humperdink: Too soon, my angel. Patience.
Buttercup: He will come for me.
Humperdink: Of course. (She walks out and he turns back to Yellin.) She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested.
Yellin: Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate.
Humperdink: Form a Brute Squad then. I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.
Yellin: It won't be easy, Sire.
Humperdink: Try ruling the world sometime.
(The Thieves Forest - The Wedding Day)
(The Thieves are being rounded up by the Brute Squad.)
Grandfather: (os) The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full carrying out Humperdink's orders.
Yellin: (to Brute) Is everybody out?
Brute: Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble.
Yellin: Well, you give him some trouble. Move! (he leaves in his wagon.)
(At Inigo's Home)
(Inigo sits outside, very, very drunk. He's got a bottle in one hand and a sword in the other.)
Inigo: I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved.
(He takes a big swing from his bottle. He stops as the earlier Brute walks up to him.)
Brute: Ho there.
Inigo: I do not budge. Keep your "Ho there."
Brute: But the Prince gave orders…
Inigo: (lashing out with his sword.) So did Vizzini. When a job went wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job. So it's the beginning, and I'm staying till Vizzini comes.
Brute: (gesturing to someone.) You! Brute! Come here.
Inigo: I am waiting for Vizzini.
Fezzik: (os) You surely are a meanie.
(A huge hand picks Inigo up. Inigo compares the huge hand to his normal size one, and then looks up and smiles at Fezzik.)
Fezzik: Hello.
Inigo: It's you.
Fezzik: True!
(The other Brute makes as if to knock Inigo out, but Fezzik clubs him and he goes down hard.)
Fezzik: (to Inigo) You don't look so good. (Inigo blows out a puff of air in protest and Fezzik gets a whiff of the alcohol.) You don't smell so good either.
Inigo: Perhaps no. But I feel fine.
Fezzik: Yeah?
(Fezzik set Inigo down, and Inigo faints.)
(Later)
(Inigo sits in a chair while Fezzik feeds him some stew.)
Grandfather: (os) Fezzik and Inigo were reunited. And as Fezzik nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Inigo of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well.
(Inigo passes out face forward into his stew.)
(Later)
(Fezzik and Inigo stand before two big tubs of water. One is very hot and the other is cold. Fezzik dunks Inigo's head into one and then into the other. Only giving Inigo time to take a breath before his head is underwater again.)
Grandfather: (os) Fezzik took great care in reviving Inigo.
(Inigo pulls back before Fezzik can dunk him again.)
Inigo: That's enough. That's enough! Where is this Rugen so I may kill him?
Fezzik: He's with the Prince in the Castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men.
Inigo: How many could you handle?
Fezzik: I don't think more than ten.
Inigo: (counting on his fingers) Leaving twenty for me. At my best, I could never defeat that many. I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy.
Fezzik: But Vizzini's dead.
Inigo: No, not Vizzini. I need the Man in Black.
Fezzik: What?
Inigo: Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini, and a man who can do that can plan my castle's onslaught any day. Let's go.
Fezzik: Where?
Inigo: To find the Man in Black, obviously.
Fezzik: But you don't know where he is.
Inigo: Don't bother me with trifles. After twenty years, at last, my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!!
(Florin Castle - Study)
(Humperdink sits in his study sharpening a dagger. Yellin enters, goes over to Humperdink and kneels.)
Humperdink: Rise and report.
Yellin: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate.
Humperdink: Double it. My Princess must be safe.
Yellin: The gate has but one key, and I carry that.
(He pulls out the gate key from his pocket and shows it to the Prince. Buttercup enters at that moment.)
Humperdink: Ah! My dulcet darling. Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Florin Channel where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
Buttercup: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. (Humperdink looks at her blankly) Every ship but the four you sent.
Humperdink: Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally, not those four.
Yellin: (bows) Your Majesties. (leaves)
Buttercup: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. It doesn't matter. Westley will come for me anyway.
Humperdink: (sharply) You're a silly girl.
Buttercup: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.
Humperdink: I would not say such things if I were you.
Buttercup: Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that. Not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it. Not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.
(Humperdink slams his dagger back onto the desk and grabs her by the arm and drags her out of the room.)
Humperdink: (angrily) I would not say such things if I were you!!
(Corridor)
(Humperdink is still dragging Buttercup behind him. He reaches her bedroom door, opens it and tosses her in. He slams it shut and locks it behind him. He then takes off running.)
(The Pit of Despair)
(Westley is still hooked up to The Machine, but it is not on. Rugen sits at a table, writing. Humperdink enters suddenly and runs over to Westley.)
Humperdink: You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will.
(With that he quickly turns and pushes the lever on the Machine up to "50".)
Rugen: Not to fifty!!!
(But it's too late and The Machine roars to life. Westley is in so much pain. He roars with it. Such pain, to be carried only by his voice. His scream can be heard all over the kingdom.)
(Florin Castle Gate)
(Yellin and his brutes stand outside the gate. They all look around in fear when they hear the scream.)
(Buttercup's Bedroom)
(Buttercup sits at a table in her room. She looks around but cannot find the source of the scream.)
(The Village)
(Fezzik and Inigo are walking through the village. They too can hear the scream.)
Inigo: Fezzik, Fezzik, listen, do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The Man in Black makes it now.
Fezzik: The Man in Black?
Inigo: His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has cause for Ultimate Suffering? (He begins trying to make his way through the crowd.) Excuse me, pardon me, it's important….(but no one is moving out of his way.) Fezzik, please.
Fezzik: (bellowing) Everybody ... MOVE!!
(The crowd falls silent and moves out of the way. Inigo takes off running to track the fading scream.)
Inigo: Thank you.
(The Forest, Near the Pit of Despair Entrance)
(The Albino comes around some trees pushing a wheelbarrow. Inigo stops him by aiming a sword at his heart.)
Inigo: Where is the Man in Black?
(The Albino looks at him in fear, but says nothing.)
Inigo: You get there from this grove, yes? (silence) Fezzik, jog his memory.
(Fezzik slams his fist down onto the Albino's head. The Albino drops to the ground like a lead weight.)
Fezzik: (upset) I'm sorry, Inigo. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Inigo?
(He turns and sees Inigo kneeling on the ground with his sword held tight in his hands. His eyes are closed.)
Inigo: Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere ... somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please.(He rises with his eyes still closed.) Guide my sword.
(Inigo follows where his sword leads him, turning this way and that. Finally he comes up to the tree with the secret staircase. His sword runs right into it. Inigo opens his eyes and just stares at the tree. In despair he leans against the tree, and the secret knot. The door opens up. Fezzik and he look at each other, then head down into the Pit.)
(The Pit of Despair)
(Fezzik is leaning over Westley who lies unmoving on the table. He stands up straight again and shakes his head at Inigo.)
Fezzik: He's dead.
Inigo: (clearly upset) It just is not fair.
Boy: (os) Grandpa, Grandpa wait…
(The Boy's Room)
(The boy is sitting up in bed, and obviously feels better.)
Boy: Wait, what did Fezzik mean, "He's dead?" I mean he didn't mean dead. (The Grandfather says nothing, just sits there) Westley's only faking, right?
Grandfather: You want me to read this or not?
Boy: Who gets Humperdink?
Grandfather: I don't understand.
Boy: Who kills Prince Humperdink? At the end, somebody's got to do it. Is it Inigo? Who?
Grandfather: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
Boy: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa! What did you read me this thing for?
Grandfather: You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now. (he starts to get up)
Boy: No! I'm okay. I'm okay. (gestures toward the chair) Sit down. All right?
Grandfather: Okay. (sitting and opening the book again) All right, now, let's see. Where were we? Oh yes. In the Pit of Despair.
(The Pit of Despair)
(We're back where we left off. Inigo stands there in defeat for a moment, then straightens up.)
Inigo: Well, we Montoya's have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Fezzik. Bring the body.
Fezzik: The body?
Inigo: Have you any money?
Fezzik: I have a little.
Inigo: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.
(Fezzik picks up Westley and follows Inigo up the stairs.)
(Miracle Max's)
(Inigo knocks on a wooden door.)
Max: (os) Go away!
(Inigo knocks again, more insistent.)
Max: (opens a small window in the door and looks out.) What? What?
Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the King all those years?
Max: The King's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed! (he shuts the window, but Inigo knocks again.)
Max: (opens the window) Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad.
Fezzik: I'm on the Brute Squad.
Max: (looking at Fezzik) You are the Brute Squad.
Inigo: We need a miracle. It's very important.
Max: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.
Inigo: He's already dead.
Max: (interested) He is, eh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.
(He unlocks the door and lets them in. Inigo and Fezzik walk inside. Fezzik carry's Westley over to a table by the fire and set's him down. Max comes over and picks up one of Westley's arms and it falls limply back down to the table.)
Max: I've seen worse.
(He studies Westley for a minute.)
Inigo: Sir. Sir.
Max: Hah?
Inigo: We're really in a terrible rush.
Max: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
Inigo: Sixty-five.
Max: Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause.
Inigo: This is noble, sir. (points to Westley) His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.
Max: Are you a rotten liar.
Inigo: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
Max: Your first story was better. (looking around) Where's that bellows? (spots it) He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him. (he goes over and picks up a huge bellows)
Inigo: He's dead. He can't talk.
Max: Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth.
(Inigo complies and Max places the bellows into Westley's mouth and starts to pump air into Westley's lungs.)
Max: Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.
Inigo: What's that?
Max: (stops pumping) Go through his clothes and look for loose change. (starts pumping again and then stops and takes the bellows out of Westley's mouth. He leans down right next to Westley's ear and talks very loudly.) Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for? (he straightens up and presses down on Westley's chest, making the air in his lungs exhale.)
Westley: (very slowly and not quite coherent) True love.
(Everybody stares at Westley lying there on the table.)
Inigo: True love. You heard him. You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Max: Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated…
(Max's wife comes barging in at this moment, very angry.)
Valerie: Liar. LIAR! LIAR!!
Max: Get back, witch!
Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.
Max: You never had it so good.
Valerie: "True love." He said, "true love," Max. My God…
Max: (retreating) Don't say another word, Valerie.
Valerie: (to Inigo and Fezzik) He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdink fired him, his confidence is shattered.
Max: Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!
Valerie: What, Humperdink? Humperdink. Humperdink. Humperdink!
Max: (holding his hands over his ears) I'm not listening.
Valerie: True love lies expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
Max: Nobody's hearing nothing!
Valerie: Humperdink! Humperdink! Humperdink!
Inigo: (jumping into the argument) This is Buttercup's true love! If you heal him, he will stop Humperdink's wedding.
Valerie: Humperdink. Humperdink…
Max: (to Valerie) Shut up! (to Inigo) Wait. Wait. I make him better, Humperdink suffers?
Inigo: Humiliations galore!
Max: That is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job.
(Valerie whoops with excitement.)
(A few minutes later Max and Valerie sit at a table. They are putting chocolate coating on a miracle pill.)
Inigo: (unsure) That's a miracle pill?
(Max nods.)
Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what?
Max: An hour. (he drops the pill into a small pouch)
Valerie: Yeah, an hour.
Max: A good hour. Yeah.
(Inigo takes the pouch and Fezzik picks up Westley.)
Inigo: (heading out the door) Thank you for everything.
Max: Okay.
Valerie: (waving after them) Bye-bye, boys.
Max: Have fun storming the castle.
Valerie: (to Max) Think it'll work?
Max: It would take a miracle. Bye!
Valerie: Bye.
(Florin Castle Wall - Near the Gate)
(Inigo, Fezzik, and Westley are walking along the top of the outer Castle wall. Fezzik takes a peek at the guards standing by the gate. He turns to Inigo, who is concentrating unsuccessfully, trying to prop Westley against the wall.)
Fezzik: Inigo, there's more than thirty.
Inigo: (not fazed) What's the difference? (holds up Westley's head) We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force feed him.
Fezzik: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Inigo: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour and we must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand. (Fezzik sits Westley up against the wall.) Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.
Fezzik: (complies) How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?
(Inigo kisses the pill for luck and forces it down Westley's throat.)
Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine.
(Suddenly Westley's eyes pop open.)
Westley: I'll beat you both apart. I'll take you both together.
(Fezzik slaps his hand over Westley's mouth to shut him up.)
Fezzik: I guess not very long. (he removes his hand)
Westley: Why won't my arms move?
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day.
Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.
Westley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup?
Inigo: Let me explain…(pause)…no, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is marrying Humperdink in a little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape after I kill Count Rugen.
Westley: (he wiggles his finger as he talks) That doesn't leave much time for dilly dallying.
Fezzik: You've just wiggled your finger. That's wonderful.
Westley: I've always been a quick healer. (to Inigo) What are our liabilities?
Inigo: There is but one working castle gate. (He and Fezzik lift Westley up so he can see the gate, and then lower him back down.) And it is guarded by sixty men.
Westley: And our assets?
Inigo: Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.
Westley: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this...(he shakes his head from side to side.)
Fezzik: You just shook your head -- that doesn't make you happy?
Westley: (twists his head so he can look at Fezzik) My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the Albino had?
Fezzik: Over the Albino, I think.
Westley: Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
Inigo: There we cannot help you.
Fezzik: (pulls one out from under his shirt) Will this do?
Inigo: (surprised) Where did you get that?
Fezzik: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
Westley: All right, all right. Come on, help me up.
(They comply. Westley is now propped up on Inigo's back.)
Westley: Now, I'll need a sword eventually.
Inigo: Why? You can't even lift one.
Westley: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? (his head falls forward and Fezzik tips it back.) Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside. (his head falls back and Fezzik tips it forward and holds it there.)
Inigo: I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?
Fezzik: (over Westley's head) Don't pester him, he's had a hard day.
Inigo: (nods) Right, right, sorry.
(Fezzik makes Westley nod his head in acceptance of the apology. They move forward along the wall. They are silent for a moment. Then…)
Fezzik: Inigo.
Inigo: What?
Fezzik: I hope we win.
(Buttercup's Bedroom)
(Buttercup is now in her bridal gown. She's very beautiful. Humperdink is fastening a pearl necklace around her neck.)
Humperdink: You don't seem excited, my little muffin.
Buttercup: Should I be?
Humperdink: Brides often are, I'm told.
Buttercup: (confidently) I do not marry tonight. My Westley will save me. (she gets up and walks away.)
(Castle Gate)
(Westley is looking down at the gate with Inigo and Fezzik. The sixty men are still standing there, guarding the gate. Inigo and Fezzik put their hands together, and after a bit of trying, so does Westley. They are now a team.)
(Chapel)
(Buttercup and Humperdink kneel before the Priest.)
Priest: (clears his throat) Mawidge. Mawidge is what bwings us togever today. Mawidge, the bwessed awangement. That dweam wiffin a dweam.
(Suddenly from outside a commotion can be heard.)
Yellin: (os) Stand your ground, men. Stand your ground.
(Castle Gate)
(All of the men are making the commotion, yelling and such.)
Yellin: Stand your ground.
(From their point of view we see Fezzik in the black cloak, seemingly floating towards them.)
Fezzik: I AM THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS. THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS.
(We now see that the reason Fezzik seems to be floating is because he's standing on the wheelbarrow that's being pushed by Inigo. Westley rests on Inigo's back. Inigo is clearly about to pop a vein from the exertion.)
Inigo: Now?
Westley: Not yet.
Fezzik: MY MEN ARE HERE, AND I AM HERE, BUT SOON YOU WILL NOT BE HERE!
(The men are still not moving, though they are very scared now. They continue to stand their ground.)
Inigo: Now?
Westley: Light him.
(Inigo lights the robe on fire.)
Fezzik: (roaring) THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS TAKES NO SURVIVORS. ALL YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
(Chapel)
(The priest is still carrying on.)
Priest: ... Ven wuv, twu wuv, wiw fowwow you fowever..
(Humperdink turns and nods to Rugen, who quickly heads out of the Chapel with some guards.)
(Castle Gate)
Fezzik: (still burning) THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS IS HERE FOR YOUR SOULS!
(That's about all the guards can take and they all start running in different directions.)
Yellin: Stay where you are. I said stay where you are!
(Chapel)
Priest: ... so tweasure your wuv..
Humperdink: Skip to the end.
Priest: Have you the wing?
(Humperdink takes out the ring.)
Buttercup: Here comes my Westley now.
(Castle Gate)
(All the other men are gone except for Yellin. Fezzik takes off the burnt robe and drops it to the ground.)
Westley: Fezzik, the portcullis.
(Fezzik rushes forward and grabs the closing portcullis, and lifts it back up over his head. Yellin watches in fear.)
(Chapel)
(Humperdink shoves the ring on Buttercup's finger.)
Humperdink: Your Westley is dead. (Buttercup just smiles.) I killed him myself.
Buttercup: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
(Castle Gate)
(Yellin has backed up against the Main Gate. Our guys close in on him.)
Westley: Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
(Fezzik takes one step towards Yellin, and Yellin whips out the gate key.)
Yellin: Oh, you mean this gate key.
(Fezzik takes the key from him.)
(Chapel)
Priest: And do you, Pwincess Buwwercwup...
Humperdink: Man and wife! Say man and wife!
Priest: Man and wife.
Humperdink: (to the King and Queen )Escort the bride to the Honeymoon Suite. I'll be there shortly. (He runs off.)
Buttercup: (dazed) He didn't come.
(Corridor)
(Count Rugen and his guards running through the corridors.)
(Another Corridor)
(Westley, Inigo, and Fezzik are making their way through the castle. Fezzik is dragging Westley, who is dragging Yellin's sword. They pause at a corridor intersection and Westley nods his head in the direction that they need to go. They turn the corner and run into Rugen and his guards.)
Rugen: Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning.
(His guards lunge to attack Inigo, but he quickly dispatches all of them. He then turns to Rugen.)
Inigo: (softly) Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
(Inigo and Rugen both take fighting stances. Then suddenly Rugen takes off running in the other direction. Inigo chases after him. Fezzik and Westley stay behind and exchange curious looks. Rugen runs though a wooden door and locks it behind him. Inigo throws himself at the door to try and open it. No luck. He tries again. Still no luck.)
Inigo: (calling out) Fezzik, I need you!
(Corridor)
(Fezzik is still standing there with Westley, who is still unable to walk.)
Fezzik: I can't leave him alone. (meaning Westley)
(Another Corridor)
(Inigo is desperately throwing himself at the door in an attempt to open it.)
Inigo: He's getting away from me, Fezzik. Please!! Fezzik!!
(Corridor)
Fezzik: (to Westley) I'll be right back.
(He then props Westley up against a large suit of armor and takes off towards Inigo.)
(Another Corridor)
(Inigo is still doing his best to break down the door. Fezzik walks up and stops him in mid slam, and with one hand bangs the door open, and motions for Inigo to proceed.)
Inigo: Thank you!
(Inigo continues after Rugen, and Fezzik heads back to Westley.)
(Yet Another Corridor)
(Buttercup is on her way back to her room with the King and Queen by her side.)
King: Strange wedding.
Queen: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along.
(Buttercup stops and places a gentle kiss on the old king's forehead.)
King: (pleased) What was that for?
Buttercup: Because you've always been so kind to me. And I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the Honeymoon Suite.
King: (smiling, since he didn't really hear a word she just said) Won't that be nice? (calling out to the Queen) She kissed me!
(Corridor)
(Rugen is running down a corridor, looking back to see if Inigo is behind him.)
(Another Corridor)
(Inigo is closing the gap fast.)
(Corridor with the Suit of Armor)
(Fezzik arrives back at the suit of Armor but Westley is gone.)
(Stairwell)
(Rugen runs down the stairs, pauses to pull a dagger out of his boot, then continues running.)
(Stairwell - about 30 seconds later)
(Inigo runs down the stairs into the dining hall.)
(Dining Hall)
(Rugen throws the dagger and it hits Inigo in the stomach. He stumbles back against the wall.)
Inigo: Sorry, Father. I tried. I tried.
(Rugen just looks at him, and then takes in the scars on Inigo's face.)
Rugen: You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. It's simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous.
(Inigo sinks to the floor.)
(Honeymoon Suite)
(Buttercup enters and closes the door behind her. She crosses to sit at the desk near the window. She opens a jeweled box and pulls out a dagger. She aims the dagger at her chest and prepares to end her life, when…)
Westley: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.
(Buttercup whirls, and we see Westley lying on the bed. Buttercup runs to the bed, and covers him with kisses. Westley's arms lie lifeless at his sides. He can't hold her.)
Buttercup: Oh, Westley, darling. (more kisses) Westley, why won't you hold me?
Westley: (gently) Gently.
Buttercup: At a time like this that's all you can think to say? "Gently?"
Westley: (not so gently) Gently!!
(She lets go, thumping his head against the headboard. Westley groans quietly.)
(Dining Hall)
(Rugen watches Inigo in surprise as he tries to get up.)
Rugen: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win?
(Inigo struggles, but finally makes it to his feet. He's holding his wound with his left hand. Rugen pushes off from the table he's been leaning on.)
Rugen: You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble some day.
(Rugen thrusts his sword at Inigo, but Inigo blocks it and the blade hits his left shoulder. Rugen tries again, and again Inigo blocks the deadly thrust. This time the blade goes into his right arm. Rugen tries to strike again, but Inigo blocks with a good flick of his wrist.)
Inigo: (quietly) Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die.
(Rugen launches into another attack, but none of his blows hit home.)
Inigo: (louder) Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die.
(They continue the fight.)
Inigo: (louder still) Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Rugen: Stop saying that!
(Inigo thrusts twice, and twice his sword hits it's mark. Rugen is now wounded in both arms, just as Inigo is.)
Inigo: (yelling) HELLO! MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA. YOU KILLED MY FATHER. PREPARE TO DIE.
(Rugen is now trapped against the table.)
Rugen: No!
Inigo: Offer me money! (he strikes out and cuts Rugen on the cheek.)
Rugen: Yes!
Inigo: Power too! Promise me that! (he strikes out again and cut's Rugen's other cheek.)
Rugen: All that I have and more! Please!
Inigo: Offer me everything I ask for!
Rugen: Anything you want!
Inigo: (angry) I WANT MY FATHER BACK, YOU SON-OF- A-BITCH!
(With that Inigo thrusts his sword into Rugen's stomach. Rugen pitches forward. Inigo pulls his sword back and Rugen falls. Inigo stands for a moment, just looking at Rugen. Then, he smiles. He then runs out of the Dining Hall.)
(Honeymoon Suite)
(Westley still lies unmoving on the bed.)
Buttercup: Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me?
Westley: What hideous sin have you committed lately?
Buttercup: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.
Westley: It never happened.
Buttercup: What?
Westley: It never happened.
Buttercup: But it did. I was there. This old man said, "Man and wife."
Westley: Did you say, "I do"?
Buttercup: Well, no, we sort of skipped that part.
Westley: Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it. (pause) Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?
(Humperdink stands in the doorway. He enters the room and pulls out his sword.)
Humperdink: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death.
Westley: No! To the pain.
Humperdink: (about to charge, stops short) I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
Westley: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you wart-hog-faced buffoon.
Humperdink: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Westley: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.
Humperdink: And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right.
Humperdink: (takes step forward) And then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it.
Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. (Humperdink pauses) So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Humperdink: I think you're bluffing.
Westley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, thatI'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. (pause) Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all.
(Every so slowly, Westley rises to his feet. Humperdink watches him with wide eyes. Westley raises his sword and points it at Humperdink.)
Westley: Drop Your Sword!
(Humperdink drops his sword to the ground.)
Westley: (motions to a chair with his sword.) Have a seat. (to Buttercup as Humperdink sits down in the chair.) Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.
(Buttercup grabs some rope and begins tying him up. Inigo hears them from the hallway and walks in.)
Inigo: Where's Fezzik?
Westley: I thought he was with you.
Inigo: No.
Westley: In that case…(he takes a step and almost falls down.)
Inigo: (to Buttercup) Help him.
Buttercup: Why does Westley need helping?
Inigo: Because he has no strength.
Humperdink: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was bluffing.
Inigo: (pointing his sword at Humperdink) Shall I dispatch him for you?
Westley: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice.
Fezzik: (os) Inigo! Inigo, where are you?
(Westley and Inigo look at each other and then go over to the window. Fezzik is down near the stables with four horses. He looks up and sees them in the window.)
Fezzik: Ah, there you are. Inigo, I saw the Prince's stables, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, lady. (He waves and Buttercup waves back.) So I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did.
Inigo: Fezzik, you did something right.
Fezzik: Don't worry -- I won't let it go to my head.
(Buttercup climbs up into the window frame and jumps down into Fezzik's arms. He catches her and they smile at each other.)
Inigo: (to Westley) You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Westley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts.
(Westley jumps out the window as Inigo considers a career in Piracy.)
(Castle Gate)
(Our four hero's ride out of the castle on the white horses.)
Grandfather: (os) They rode to freedom. (We see all of them riding across the countryside) And as dawn arose, Westley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other...
(Buttercup and Westley reach for each other.)
(The Boy's Room)
(The Grandfather stops reading.)
Boy: What? What?
Grandfather: No, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear it.
Boy: I don't mind so much. (he gestures for his Grandfather to finish the story.)
Grandfather: Okay.
(Countryside)
(We pick up where we left off. Buttercup and Westley reaching for each other and finally sharing a beautiful kiss.)
Grandfather: (os) Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end.
(The Boy's Room)
(The Grandfather shuts the book.)
Grandfather: Now I think you ought to go to sleep.
Boy: Okay.
Grandfather: (getting his things together) Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So long.
Boy: Grandpa? (The Grandfather stops and looks back at him.) Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Grandfather: (pause) As you wish.
(He smiles and steps out the door.)
THE END