Selfless
(Summers Residence – Buffy’s Old Room)
(Dawn is helping Willow unpack her things. She's moving in to Buffy's old room.)
Dawn: My advice to you is do exactly what everyone else does all the time.
Willow: Got it.
Dawn: Do what everyone else does, wear what everyone else wears, say what everyone else says.
Willow: OK.
Dawn: People may say something to you you don't understand. Just don't be afraid to keep your mouth shut and pretend like you know what they're saying.
Willow: (laughs) You know, Dawn, I've been to college before.
Dawn: People may say something like "My protein window closes in an hour." Just nod and smile. Mm-hmm. Turns out it has something to do with fitness.
(Buffy and Xander enter the room, carrying boxes.)
Buffy: Have you talked to her lately?
Xander: Not since that night with the Gnarl demon. And that wasn't exactly the kind of "how have you been" kind of talk. More of the "pierce its eye with something sharp" kind of talking. I'm thinking I should call her.
Buffy: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Xander: Hopes? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single. I'm a strong, successful male who is giddy at the thought of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future.
Buffy: Strong, successful males say "giddy"?
Xander: I just worry about her, that's all.
Willow: Anya?
Xander: Yeah, she seems so sad.
Dawn: She should try acting like everybody else more.
Willow: Apparently it's what all the kids are doing nowadays.
Buffy: Well, I'm not sure I get the sad vibe, but there's definitely a vengeance vibe worth worrying about.
Xander: Oh, that? No, no. I don't worry about that. She was hurt and she just turned back to what she knew when I— you know. But that's not her anymore.
Buffy: I hope you're right.
Xander: Well, she turned that worm guy back before any real damage happened, right? It'll just take some time. I really think she's coming around.
(UC Sunnydale – Frat House)
(A boy is dead on the ground. Pan around to show several boys have been killed, their hearts ripped out of their bodies. The place is full of dead boys. Show Anya sitting in shock, looking around at the mayhem, smeared with blood.)
Anya: What have I done?
(Medieval House – Day)
(A long-haired brunette Anya is holding a cute brown bunny. Olaf walks in and starts talking to her in swedish language (dialogue shown below is subtitled). He's wearing leather and animal skins. Anya is in a dress.)
(TITLE CARD: Sjornjost, 880.)
Olaf: Aud! Sweet, beautiful Aud! I am so hungry, I could eat a small child!
Anya: Olaf! Are you injured? You smell of blood and musk.
Olaf: Fear not! It takes more than a band of minor trolls to bring down the mighty Olaf!
Anya: Trolls!
Olaf: Oh! They are wretched creatures indeed. The mere thought of them makes me bend at the knee and flex! (does a muscleman pose)
Anya: Sweetheart, please sit down. Allow me to tend to you.
Olaf: I am fine. Really. I could go for some mead, though.
Anya: Certainly.
Olaf: (looking around the room) Is it my imagination, or do we have substantially more rabbits in this house today?
Anya: Oh, they breed so quickly that it's—
Olaf: All this talk of breeding... it makes me want to breed!
Anya: Honey, of course. But here—drink your mead first.
Olaf: Ah, yes. Mead.
Anya: The rapid reproductive rate of our rabbits...has given me an idea. I can give the excess out to the townspeople, exchanging them not for goods or services, but for goodwill and the sense of accomplishment that stems from selflessly giving of yourself to others.
Olaf: Ha, ha, ha! Sweet Aud! Your logic is insane and happenstance, like that of a troll. It is no wonder that the bar matrons talk of you.
Anya: You've been to the bar...
Olaf: (sighs) It is not my fault they don't take kindly to you. You speak your mind, and are annoying. It's one of the things I love most about you.
Anya: Was Rannveig there?
Olaf: Bah! I've told you a thousand times; I have no interest in this Rannveig. Her hips are large and load bearing, like a Baltic woman. Your hips are narrow, like a Baltic woman from a slightly more arid region. You are my perfect Aud. I could never want for another.
Anya: I am sorry. I simply love you so much...I feel as though I could burst at times...I could not live without you.
Olaf: Fear not, sweet Aud, you will always be my beautiful girl.
(UC Sunnydale – Frat House – Present Day)
(Blood-soaked hands are washing up at a porcelain sink. The water runs red. Anya looks up from her washing and can barely face herself in the mirror)
(Sunnydale High – Basement – Day)
(Spike is sitting on the floor with his back to a chain link fence that's separating one area from another. He seems rather substantially more coherent and mentally stable than he's seemed recently, and definitely more sound than he's ever seemed in the basement.)
Spike: I don't trust what I see anymore. I don't know how to explain it, exactly. It's like I've been seeing things. (pan over to show he's talking to Buffy) Dru used to see things, you know? She'd always be staring up at the sky watching cherubs burn or the heavens bleed or some nonsense. I used to stare at her and think she'd gone completely sack of hammers. But she'd see the sky when we were inside and it'd make her so happy. She'd see showers. She'd see stars. Now I see her.
(Buffy's wearing a white shirt and an open, non-judgmental face.)
Buffy: (compassionate and patient) Spike.
Spike: I'm in trouble, Buffy.
Buffy: I can help you.
Spike: I could never ask. Not after...
Buffy: It's different. You're different.
Spike: I could never ask.
Buffy: Spike, it's me. It's you and it's me, and we'll get through this.
Spike: Never...
(Spike's nervously got his hand behind his ear, and Buffy reached to hold his hand.)
Buffy: We'll get through this.
(Pan over to show someone is coming. It's Buffy, wearing a black shirt and a scowl. Spike is still sitting huddled on the floor. Alone. He seems crazy again now.)
Buffy: Spike. (he looks up, surprised) This basement is killing you. This is the hellmouth. There is something bad down here, possibly everything bad.
Spike: (laughs) Can't hear you. Can't hear you.
Buffy: You have a soul? Fine. Show me.
Spike: Scream montresor all you like, pet.
Buffy: Get up and get out of this basement.
Spike: I don't have anywhere else to go.
(UC Sunnydale – Day)
(Willow is talking to her professor.)
Willow: And it's not like I've been gone for that long, and I've already done all the reading that I missed. And I can sign up for—
Professor: Willow, Willow, it's OK. We'll get you caught up in no time.
Willow: (smiles) Really?
Professor: What am I gonna say? No, I don't want my best student back in my class? Well, of course I noticed that drop-off in your grades at mid-term last year, and I was concerned—
Willow: Yeah, that was—
Professor: But then—viola. You turned it around and aced all your finals like—boom. Magic.
Willow: (nervous laugh) Yeah, similar to, but, um...
Professor: Look, come see me during office hours tomorrow and we'll see about what we need to do to get you caught up, all right?
Willow: OK. Thanks, professor. (professor leaves, Willow spots Anya and waves) Anya! Anya!
(Anya is wearing a raincoat pulled tightly over her dress to hide the bloodstains as she walks out of the fraternity house into the populated campus. Willow is happy to see a friend, but Anya is nervous and distracted.)
Anya: Willow, hi! What're you doing here?
Willow: Oh, I'm starting back up at school again! Yeah, I can't believe how great everyone's been. I-I was a little worried, but I already have books and homework and they even said they'd give me periodic surprise quizzes just to make up for the ones that I missed, and... Wh-what're you doing here? (confused) Walking out of the fraternity house in the middle of the day?
Anya: Uh, um... I have a new boyfriend now. He lives here.
Willow: That's great.
Anya: (avoiding eye contact) Yeah, we just had lots and lots of sex.
Willow: OK. This is so great. I am so happy to see you've— (Anya nervously pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, and Willow sees blood on her hand) moved on.
Anya: Yeah, we're tremendously happy together. Now, um, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for something important.
Willow: Uh, OK. See you later.
(Willow goes to the fraternity house to check it out.)
(Frat House)
(Willow walks into the house through huge glass paned wooden double-doors. It's the Gamma Kappa Tau house.)
Willow: Hello? Is anybo—
(She looks down and sees huge bloodstains and smudges on the floor. Looking around, the house is eerily empty. She walks in further to investigate, and there are blood stains everywhere, on the walls, door, and floor. When she opens the door to an adjacent room, what she sees horrifies her. She hears a high-pitched whimper from another room, and goes to investigate. It's coming from a closet. Willow opens it to see a young woman in there crying and rocking in fetal position. She also has blood on her clothes.)
Young Woman: (crying) I take it back. I take it back. I take it back.
Willow: (bends down to talk to her) It's OK. You're OK.
Young Woman: (crying) I take it back.
Willow: W-what do you take back?
Young Woman: (crying) 'S gonna be a party. Everyone's gonna be there. Everyone's bringing a date. I'll have a great time. But it was just me. And them. He broke up with me in front of them. I was a game. It was all a game.
Willow: It's OK. You're OK now.
Young Woman: They laughed and they laughed and I cried and they laughed. And I yelled, "Just once, I wish you could all feel what it's like to have your hearts ripped out. Just once. I wish..." (sobs) and it came.
Willow: (stands) OK. Come on, what came? What did this?
Young Woman: A spider.
Willow: W-where did it go?
Young Woman: What do you mean?
Willow: The spider. Where is it now? (As she talks, we see a huge (~5 foot long) spider crawling up the wall behind her. It lunges at her, and she puts her hand up for a spell.) Protect! (A shield of yellow light protects Willow and the Young Woman from the spider attack. Frightened, the Young Woman starts crying again. Willow, black-eyed, snaps back at the Young Woman.) For God's sake, shut your whimpering mouth! (The spider is trying to get through the protective barrier, and Willow magically thrusts it out through a nearby window.) I'm sorry.
(Sjornjost Village – Day)
(Villagers are fleeing in a mob.)
Man: Troll!
Woman: It's the largest troll I've ever seen!
Man: Run! Hide your babies and your beadwork!
Troll: Stop! (It's Olaf (with his hammer). He's got horns and green skin now, and so no one recognizes him.) Stop! It is Olaf!
Man: The troll is doing an Olaf impersonation!
Troll: I am Olaf!
Man: Hit him with fruits and various meats.
Troll: Aaarrrrgh! I am Olaf!
(The villagers chase him out of town while Anya watches. D'Hoffryn steps up beside her.)
D’Hoffryn: Impressive.
Anya: Thank you.
D’Hoffryn: What is that? A Woodlow Transmogriphic spell?
Anya: Thornton's Hope.
D’Hoffryn: Thornton's Hope. But how did you get the troll element?
Anya: Eelsbane.
D’Hoffryn: Eelsbane. Brilliant! What'd he do?
Anya: Bar matron. A load bearing bar matron.
D’Hoffryn: Is there any other kind. (Anya starts to walk off.) I'm sorry. How rude of me. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is D'Hoffryn.
Anya: I am Aud.
D’Hoffryn: Are you? Hmm. I'm afraid you don't see your true self. You are Anyanka. I'm a patron of a family of sorts. We're vengeance demons. I'm sure you've heard of us.
Anya: No, I'm sorry.
D’Hoffryn: Oh, well, that's quite—
Anya: Oh, no, don't feel bad. I, uh, I don't talk to people much. I mean, I talk to them, but they don't talk to me. Except to say that your questions are irksome, and perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river.
(Olaf is chasing the mob now.)
Troll: Come here tiny man. You are small and toy like.
D’Hoffryn: I get the sense that your talents are not fully appreciated here, Anyanka. We'd like you to join us.
Anya: Why do you keep calling me that? My name is Aud.
D’Hoffryn: Perhaps, but Anyanka is who you are.
Anya: What would I have to do?
D’Hoffryn: What you do best. Help wronged women punish evil men.
Anya: Vengeance.
D’Hoffryn: But only to those who deserve it.
Anya: They all deserve it.
D’Hoffryn: That's where I was going with that, yeah.
(Sunnydale High – Guidance Office – Buffy’s Cubicle.)
(Buffy's at her desk, wearing the same black shirt she wore in the basement. Buffy is clearly bored, as evidenced by her balancing a pencil holder full of pencils on her forehead. The phone rings and breaks her conversation, causing her to jump and spill the pencils. She answers the phone.)
Buffy: Hello. Willow, hey! Is everything— A spider demon? Wh— h-hold on. A-are you all right? Like how? (grabs paper to write something down) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Wait, OK, go ahead. No, no, no, no, no. It's all good. I'll get Xander to go. But seriously, you just— Whoa. Ripped out the heart? My God. Hey, did you get that physics class you wanted?
(Anya’s Apartment)
(Halfrek is sitting on couch visiting, talking to Anya.)
Halfrek: This is just wonderful, Anyanka. There's even talk of having some sort of ceremony. I can't tell you how many times today I've heard "Anyanka is back to her old self again." (Anya looks troubled) Honey, what is it? What's wrong?
Anya: It's nothing. I just— There was just so much screaming, so much blood. (Hallie smiles, imagining it.) I— I forgotten how much damage a Grimslaw demon could do.
Halfrek: Oh, tell me about it. They can be feisty little guys and impossible to house train. I mean, once they start nesting, forget— Are you OK? Oh, did something happen?
Anya: I-I guess I'm just a little rusty. I didn't think it would hit me like this.
Halfrek: Oh, sweetie. This is perfectly normal. It's a reflex. You'll get over it in no time, trust me.
Anya: Oh, Hallie! I can't tell you how good it is— Thank goodness you're here.
Halfrek: Oh, sweetie. Of course.
Anya: It's just lately, with everything that's been going on, I-I've had trouble even remembering—
(Willow walks into the room.)
Willow: (sternly, to Hallie) Get out.
Halfrek: Lemon drop, if you think I'm gonna—
Willow: Get out.
(Halfrek looks at Anya.)
Anya: It's OK.
Halfrek: Well, OK. If you need anything, you holler.
(Halfrek teleports out of the apartment with her trademark exit.)
Willow: Anya, you have to stop this.
Anya: (picks up teacups from coffee table) Do you know what they did to her? Do you? (takes teacups into kitchen) It was a game. They were humiliating her.
Willow: Anya, listen to me. You're in trouble. You know it. I'm here to help you.
Anya: (chuckles) You're here to— Well, that's great, Willow. Flayed anybody lately, have you? How quickly they forget!
Willow: I haven't forgotten one second of it.
Anya: What do you want?
Willow: I want to help you.
Anya: They got what they deserved.
Willow: No, they—
Anya: I am a vengeance demon! Do you understand that?
Willow: No.
Anya:Try! They got what they deserved.
(Woods)
(Buffy and Xander are walking through the woods on a trail, looking for the spider demon. Xander is carrying a sword, and Buffy has her battle-axe.)
Buffy: Thanks for side-kicking. I didn't want to trouble Willow. Figure she's got enough to do. First day back and all.
Xander: Are you kidding? We're doing vent work at the site. Anything's better than breathing freon for eight hours. (beat) So, did she say what this thing is?
Buffy: Some sort of spider demony thingy. She had to go pretty quickly. I think she had to sign up for classes or something.
Xander: Ah, yes, there is little that can distract the Willow when she's on the hunt for the mighty syllabi.
Buffy: I don't know. I guess she was a little more nervous than she was letting on.
(They stumble across a boy's body. The heart has been ripped out. Xander starts hyperventilating.)
Xander: How big did she say this thing was?
Buffy: She didn't. But I can't imagine she'd send us out if it wasn't— The heart is completely ripped out. This is our guy.
Xander: Or a copycat spider demon. So what's this black stuff? (There's black stringy things hanging on the nearby tree. Xander touches it.) Aw, it's sticky!
Buffy: Willow said it was a spider demon. Maybe it's its webbing.
Xander: This isn't springy high-flying fun.
(A noise comes from the tree above them, like something's moving around in it.)
Buffy: (looking up) Xander.
Xander: Is that it?
Buffy: I can't tell. There is definitely something moving up there.
Xander: Maybe we can somehow lure it.
(One of the sticky black webs is shot down from the tree, landing on Xander's shoulder. He dives out of the way.)
Buffy: Xander! (The spider jumps out of the tree, knocks Buffy down to the ground, and lands on top of her. She squirms, but can't get free, as the spider demon's second mouth comes out to try and bite her face. She pushes it off, and it scurries away. She grabs her battle-axe off the ground and looks up in the tree for the spider demon.) You OK?
Xander: Buffy, where'd it go? I think we need more swords.
Buffy: (still looking up into the tree) Uh-huh.
Xander: I say we go home, pick up more swords, and some sort of spidery demon protection amulet. We come back, and— (Buffy who has never stopped tracking the spider demon in the tree, throws her battle-axe up into the treetop. The spider falls to the ground with the axe in it.) Or—
(Summers Residence)
(Xander and Buffy come home covered in huge scrapes and gashes.)
Buffy: I'm more concerned with where that thing came from. If there are more of those spider demons running around, we need to know about it. We should hit the research, find out if—
(Buffy and Xander walk into the living room to see Willow is waiting for them.)
Willow: I know where it came from.
(Buffy and Xander sit down beside each other on the couch, facing Willow who's in the chair.)
Buffy: How many?
Willow: Ten, twelve.
Xander: When were you planning on telling us?
Willow: I'm telling you now.
Xander: Great. Thank you. Willow, it's Anya. How could you let us— How could you not have told us?
Buffy: Xander...
Xander: How could you not have told me?
Buffy: Xander. It's OK. She didn't tell us for a reason. She didn't tell us because she knows what I have to do. (Xander looks from Willow to Buffy.) I have to kill Anya.
(Banquet Hall – Night)
(Generals and such are slumped over onto their dinner plates, while Anya and Halfrek chat it up at the head of the table. There is a window behind them, showing a battle going on outside. The girls are wearing Victorian outfits with the feathered hats and elaborate jewelry, etc. and sipping champagne.)
(TITLE CARD: St. Petersburg, 1905.)
Halfrek: I swear, I'm in awe of you.
Anya: Oh, stop.
Halfrek: Oh, I will not.
Anya: I grant wishes. It's all inside the girl. I just bring it out.
Halfrek: Yes, I'm sure this is what she had in mind.
Anya: Well, I don't know about her mind, but it was in her heart. Besides, Russia was ready to explode. All we did is just give it a little push.
Halfrek: What should we do with the rest of our evening? I hear they're going to raze the Winter Mansion.
Anya: Well, I thought we'd head on down to Madame Dubasov's. No better spot for vengeance than a brothel.
Halfrek: Oh, it's always work, work, work with you.
(A man comes into the room on fire, and the girls don't even flinch. They just carry on their conversations without noticing him or helping him.)
Anya: Well, of course. What else is there?
Halfrek: What else is there? Why, the whole world, for one. Darling, take a look around. There's a lot to see. There's a revolution going on outside that you are somewhat responsible for. Aren't you the teeniest bit interested?
Anya: Well, what is there to be interested in? The worker will overthrow absolutism and lead the proletariat to a victorious communist revolution, resulting in socio-economic paradise on earth. It's common sense, really. I have better things to worry about.
Halfrek: But, Anyanka, there's a whole world out there.
Anya: Yes, filled with wronged women who need my help.
Halfrek: Oh, but you're talking work.
Anya: I'm talking about life. Vengeance is what I do, Halfrek. I don't need anything else. Vengeance is what I am.
(Summers Residence – Present Day)
Buffy: She's not the Anya that you knew, Xander. She's a demon.
Xander: That doesn't mean you have to kill her.
Buffy: Don't act like this is easy for me. You know it's not.
Xander: There are other options.
Buffy: I've considered them.
Xander: When? Just now? Took you all of ten seconds to decide to kill one of your best friends?
Buffy: The thought that it might come to this has occurred to me before. It's occurred to you, too.
Xander: But we can change what she did. Fix it. These are mystical deaths, right? There has to be something.
Willow: I don't have anywhere near that kind of power. I didn't have that kind of power when— And I-I don't think I trust the power I do have.
Buffy: (to Willow) It's OK. (turns to Xander) Xander, I know this is hard for you to hear, but it's what I have to do.
Xander: Hard for me to hear? Buffy, you wanna kill Anya!
Buffy: I don't want to.
Xander: Then don't! This isn't new ground for us. When our friends go all crazy and start killing people, we help them. (looks at Willow)
Willow: Sitting right here.
Xander: I'm sorry. But it's true.
Buffy: It's different.
Xander: Because you don't care about her the same way I do. Buffy, I still love her.
Buffy: I know. And that's why you can't see this for what it really is. Willow was different. She's a human. Anya's a demon.
Xander: And you're the slayer. I see now how it's all very simple.
Buffy: It is never simple.
Xander: (stands) No, of course not. You know, if there's a mass-murdering demon that you're, oh, say, boning, then it's all gray area.
Buffy: Spike was harmless. He was helping.
Xander: He had no choice.
Buffy: And Anya did! She chose to become a demon. Twice.
Xander: You have no idea what she's going through.
Buffy: (stands) I don't care what she's going through!
Xander: No, of course not. You think we haven't seen all this before? The part where you just cut us all out. Just step away from everything human and act like you're the law. If you knew what I felt—
Buffy: I killed Angel! Do you even remember that? I would have given up everything I had to be with— I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life. And I put a sword through his heart because I had to.
Willow: And that all worked out OK.
Buffy: Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you. Do you remember giving me Willow's message: Kick his ass.
Willow: I never said that—
Xander: This is different—
Buffy: It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line, and that is always going to be me. You get down on me for cutting myself off, but in the end the slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook. No all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.
Xander: There has to be another way.
Buffy: Then please find it.
(Xander takes his coat and leaves. Buffy goes to the tool chest and grabs a sword. She looks at Willow, wanting her to follow, but Willow doesn't move.)
Willow: I can't. I'm sorry.
(Buffy leaves the house, sword in hand.)
(Willow’s Room)
(Willow goes to her desk and looks frantically through the drawers. Finally, she finds what she's looking for. An amulet.)
(Bathroom)
(Willow pours sand on the floor in a circle while chanting in Latin and holding the amulet.)
Willow: Beatum sit in nomine D'Hoffrynis. Fiat hoc spatium porta ad mundum Arashmaharris.
(A bright flash of light, then D'Hoffryn appears, facing away from Willow.)
D’Hoffryn: (low) Behold, D'Hoffryn. Lord of Arashmahar. He that turns the air to blood and rains— (turns to Willow, speaking normally) Miss Rosenberg. How lovely to see you again. Have you done something with your hair?
Willow: Hello, D'Hoffryn.
D’Hoffryn: I figured I'd be hearing from you soon. The flaying of Warren Meers? Oh, truly inspired. That was water cooler vengeance. Lloyd has a sketch of it on his wall.
Willow: That's not me anymore.
D’Hoffryn: Is that right? So, I didn't feel your presence earlier today? I didn't feel a bit of the old you?
Willow: We need to talk about Anya.
D’Hoffryn: (growls) Very well. Let's talk about Anyanka.
(UC Sunnydale – Frat House – Night)
(Anya is thoughtfully touching the wall where blood spattered it. A door opens.)
Xander: I thought I might find you here. Have you forced yourself to look at the bodies yet?
Anya: What do you want?
Xander: I want to help you.
Anya: (sighs, walks away) Everyone is so considerate today. I should've slaughtered people weeks ago.
Xander: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did to you. Everything I put you through.
Anya: Thank you. All better. Thank goodness you got here in time.
Xander: You don't understand. This isn't an intervention. Buffy's coming to kill you.
Anya: She's coming to try.
Xander: Did everybody have their crazy flakes today? You guys are friends. How could you talk like this?
Anya: I have a job to do. And so does Buffy. Xander, you've always seen what you wanted to. But you knew, sooner or later, it would come to this.
Xander: (Buffy enters, he turns to face her) Buffy, get out of here.
Buffy: Get out of my way, Xander.
Xander: No. (turns back to Anya)
Anya: (in demon face) Get out of her way, Xander.
(Anya backhands Xander and he falls down out of the way. Buffy lunges at her with the sword, but Anya pushes her off. They continue to fight during the dialogue.)
Anya: This is getting to be a pattern with you, Buffy. Are there any friends of your left you haven't tried to kill? (fighting) C'mon, Buffy. Don't you have a clever retort for me? (fighting)
(The fighting is fairly even, or Anya may appear to have the slight upper hand. Buffy is thrown onto the floor. She looks up at Anya.)
Buffy: Anya, I'm sorry. (stands)
Anya: You're apologizing to me. What fight are you watching? Or is this like one of your little pop-culture references I don't get, 'cause I'm a vengeance—
(Anya lunges at Buffy who presses her against the wall and stabs her in the heart with her sword. Anya groans.)
(Xanders’a Apartment)
(Xander is asleep in a recliner and Anya's on the couch reading. Xander's talking in his sleep.)
Xander: (asleep) I just want... happy... ending...
Anya: Honey? Honey?
Xander: (asleep) What? I'm awake. I'm OK.
Anya: Honey? Was that weird? That thing earlier with the singing... and the coconuts.
Xander: (asleep) What? No, it's fine.
(Singing can be heard through the balcony window.)
Neighbor Man: (os)(singing) Oh, no. Mustard on my shirt.
Neighbor Woman: (os)(singing) Mustard. I'll never get it out.
Neighbor Man: (os)(singing) My favorite red shirt.
Neighbor Woman: (os)(singing) Dry clean it.
Neighbor Man: (os)(singing) How could you serve—
Neighbors: (os) (singing) Mustard.
(Anya shuts the balcony door.)
Anya: Are you still hungry? Because I'd be— (looks fondly at Xander sleeping)
(singing) Mr. Xander Harris. (walks to him)
That's what he is to the world outside.
That's the name he carries with pride. (puts away his hard hat and tool box)
I'm just lately Anya.
Not very much to the world, I know.
All these years with nothing to show. (puts away his shoes)
I've boned a troll, I've wreaked some wrath,
But on the whole, I've had no path. (twirling)
I like to bowl, I'm good with math,
But who am I? (kneeling)
Now I reply that
I'm the Missis (looks at engagement ring)
I will be his Missis.
Mrs. Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins Harris. (twirling, dancing)
What's the point of loving...
I mean except for the sweaty part. (gathers pillows)
What's the point of losing your heart?
Maybe if you're lucky
Being a pair makes you twice as tall. (gathers a blanket)
Maybe you're not losing at all. (opens blanket)
No need to cover up my heart, (spreads blanket on Xander)
Plus see above RE: sweaty part.
So maybe love is pretty smart
And so am I
I found my guy!
And I'll be Missis (sits on his lap while the recliner spins)
I will be his Missis
Mrs. Anya Lame-Ass-Made-Up-Maiden-Name Harris.
We'll never part (walks into the kitchen)
Not if we can
And if we start
Then here's my plan
I'll show him what bliss is
Welcome him with kisses
'Cause this is a Missis who misses her man
He's my Xander
And he's awfully swell
It makes financial sense as well,
Although he can be—I'll never tell—
Just stand aside
Here comes the bride (goes through balcony door, and is suddenly in wedding gown)
I'll be Missis.
I will be his Missis
I will be—
(UC Sunnydale – Frat House)
(Resume. Buffy has just stabbed Anya through the heart with her sword. Anya, in human face, is slumped, but hasn't fallen. Xander regains consciousness and is still on the floor. He looks over and sees Anya's condition.)
Xander: Anya!
(Anya face is tear-streaked and bloody. Suddenly, she gasps for air and opens her eyes. She looks down at the sword in her chest.)
Anya: Forgotten how much swords through the chest hurt. (pulls it out) Aaahh! (breathes heavily) You know better than that, Buffy. It takes a lot more to kill a vengeance demon.
Buffy: Oh, I'm just getting started.
(Anya comes at Buffy with the sword. Buffy pushes a stool at her, knocking her off balance. She falls to the floor, dropping the sword. Anya's lying with her back on the floor. Buffy takes the sword, straddles Anya, and prepares for another thorough double-fisted stabbing of Anya. Xander pushes Buffy out of the way. They all stand up.)
Anya: Stop trying to save me, Xander!
(Lightening bolts flash in the room knocking everyone down, then D'Hoffryn appears.)
D’Hoffryn: Oh, please, don't mind me. Continue with whatever it was you were doing. (walks to look in an adjacent room) Oh, breathtaking. It's like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. (Buffy stands and grabs her sword) Easy now. I'd be gone before you could swing. (sighs, offers a hand to Anya to help her stand) Isn't that just like a slayer. Solving all her problems by sticking things with sharp objects. I talked to your friend, Miss Rosenberg. She's a firebrand. I have high hopes for her.
Xander: Stay away from Willow.
D’Hoffryn: (to Anya) Oh, he's gallant, isn't he. I understand what you saw in him. (to all) Look, Miss Rosenberg seems to think Anyanka would be better suited outside the vengeance fold. I think we already know what Lady HacksAway wants. And the young man, he sees with the eyeballs of love. But I'm not sure if anyone's bothered to find out what Anyanka herself really wants.
Xander: Her name is Anya.
D’Hoffryn: Actually, funny historical side-bar, her original name was—
Anya: (crying) I wanna take it back.
D’Hoffryn: I'm sorry. What was that?
Anya: I wanna take it back. I wanna undo what I did.
D’Hoffryn: Hmm. You want to take it back. Must be twelve bodies in there. Such a thing—not easily done. But not impossible. You're a big girl, Anyanka. You understand how this works. The proverbial scales must balance. In order to restore the lives of the victims, the fates require a sacrifice. The life and soul of a vengeance demon.
Anya: Do it.
Xander: Wait!
Anya: Stay out of this Xander.
Xander: OK, all right. That seems smart. He just said you have to die! Perhaps there's some sort of alternate price.
Anya: Xander, you can't help me. I'm not even sure there's a me to help. (to D'Hoffryn) I understand the price. Do it.
D’Hoffryn: You're sure? This is your wish?
Anya: This is my wish. Undo what I did.
D’Hoffryn: Very well.
(D'Hoffryn gestures with his hands, and a flash of light appears.)
Xander: No!
(Where the flash was, Halfrek shows up, smiling sweetly.)
Halfrek: Anya!
(Anya looks at D'Hoffryn, realizing what's going to happen.)
Anya: Hallie!
(Halfrek bursts into flames and light shoots out of her eyes. She shrieks and disappears. Anya starts to cry as D'Hoffryn berates her.)
D’Hoffryn: Who did you think you were dealing with? Did you think it would be that easy to get away?
Anya: Why?
D’Hoffryn: Why? Because you wished it!
Anya: But she was yours.
D’Hoffryn: Like you were mine? Haven't I taught you anything, Anya? Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain. (Xander starts for D'Hoffryn, but Buffy stops him.) Hold him back, Slayer. Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt. I've got plenty of girls. There will always be vengeance demons. But now you, Anya, you're out. Congratulations. You're wish is granted.
Anya: You should've killed me.
D’Hoffryn: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. From beneath you, it devours. Be patient. All good things in time.
(In a flash, D'Hoffryn disappears. Anya looks at Xander and Buffy and walks out.)
Buffy: (to Xander) Go. I'll check on the boys.
(Outside)
(Xander follows Anya outside the fraternity house.
Xander: Anya, wait.
Anya: Xander, please. Just go away.
Xander: Whatever's between us—it doesn't matter. You shouldn't be alone in this.
Anya: Yes, I should. My whole life, I've just clung to whatever came along.
Xander: Well, speaking as a clingee— I kinda didn't mind.
Anya: Thanks. For everything. (Xander nods, realizing that this is her rejecting his offer to help.) Xander— what if I'm really nobody?
Xander: Don't be a dope.
Anya: I'm a dope?
Xander: Sometimes.
Anya: That's a start.
(Xander walks away, leaving a teary-eyed Anya to deal alone.)