Spin The Bottle
(Night Club)
(Lorne's on stage sitting on a stool in front of a red curtain, singing into a handheld microphone. Beside him is an upright piano with a drink and a smoking ashtray sitting on top. Blue light shines on him.)
Lorne: (singing) Memories. Like the corner of my mind. (audience claps) Misty water-colored memories of the way we were. (talking) Ah, youth. Is there anything more magical? A time of first loves, great discoveries—let's face it: youth is it. It's a national obsession, crazy cats. But somewhere, people all forget what a mess youth is. It's a time of magic, all right, and there's nothing more unreliable or annoying than magic. Lemme tell ya a little story. It starts with a kid…
(Alley)
(Connor's walking down the street, while angry metal music plays. He's flashing back to memories of him and Cordelia together, lying in bed together, his hand on her breast, hugging each other, kissing. Connor seems angry. The picture freeze frames.)
Lorne: (vo) No, actually, it really starts here…
(Hyperion – Garden – Night)
(Angel and Cordelia are talking while sitting on the edge of a pond.)
Cordelia: Were we in love?
Angel: Hmm.
Cordelia: Were we?
Angel: What?
Cordelia: In love?
Angel: With each other?
Cordelia: Mister, if you start giving me the run-around…
Angel: I'm not. (stands) I'm not.
Cordelia: Then tell me the truth!
Angel: I don't know.
Cordelia: You don't know?
Angel: Well, I'm not sure.
Cordelia: Now, I think that's the sort of thing I'd remember. Hey, maybe you wrote it down somewhere…a note on the fridge, maybe?
Angel: I had feelings for you, and thought that maybe you…but you never told me. You asked me to meet you...to talk, and... I never saw you again.
Cordelia: And you think I wanted to meet you to tell you I was in love with you?
Angel: I really don't think you're ready to be dealing with…
Cordelia: Or maybe I was gonna tell you to back off, buddy. (stands, walks toward him) Maybe you were coming on too strong—harassing me in the workplace. Maybe I had a red-hot restraining order in my mitts. (in his face) You ever think of that?
Angel: I was never…in the workplace, I well, there was that one time with the…the ballet and the stripping and the roundness, but that was a spell. And-and we were meeting in Malibu on the bluffs at night. That's a pretty romantic restraining order!
Cordelia: Don't yell at me. You're yelling at me. (turns her back to him)
Angel: I'm not. See, this is why I don't want to answer questions I don't have the answers for. (Cordy rolls her eyes) All I know is that you are my dearest friend. And I hope that—I just— I want that back. That much, at least.
Cordelia: (sighs) You have no idea how much this is killing me. (sits by pond) I know my ABC's, my history, I know who's President, and that I sorta wish I didn't. I know the name of every shoe store in the Beverly Center, but I don't… (sighs, starts to cry) I don't even recognize the sound of my own name.
Angel: We'll get you back. No matter what. (sits beside her) I promise you, we will get you back.
Lorne: (walks into the garden) What's all this "we", pale face? I'm the one out there doing all the leg-work, well, it's really more lap-work, 'cause guess what just fell into it.
(Lorne's holding a opaque ceramic bottle with a cork in the top.)
Cordelia: What?
Lorne: A memory spell, provided by one of my clients, that is guaranteed to bring our Cordy back to the way she was.
Angel: Guaranteed?
Lorne: No pain, no side-effects. I'm telling you, swingers, there's no way this can fail.
(Night Club)
(Resume narration. Various background sounds come from the audience.)
Lorne: So, I'm an idiot. What are you, perfect? Well, the fact is, I had every reason to believe that the spell would work. And it did, after a fashion. (sips drink) Well, what happened during it and what came after... Ooh, I'm gonna need a bigger drink. But, now the spell was legit. Straight up. (extreme close up of Lorne's face) I had it off this wraith, sweet girl, not overly tangible…
(Camera rotates around his face and transitions to the garden scene.)
(Hyperion – Garden)
(Angel and Cordelia are talking while sitting on the edge of the pond, with Lorne talking to them.)
Lorne: …but she deals in memory spells professionally. Now she swears up and down that with the right mix, we can stop this talking and cut to the Cordelia Chase in two ticks of a... ticking thing.
Angel: I don't know. Spells... I don't trust them.
Cordelia: And I don't care. (stands) I'm in.
Angel: (stands) Cordy, I just—
Cordelia: I don't care. Pain, side effects, this thing turns me into a mousaka... I'm happy. As long as I can remember I'm a mousaka.
Lorne: Don't even worry about it, princess. I've got all the ingredients lined up. As soon as we gather the six, we'll be good to go.
(Lorne and Cordelia go into the hotel.)
Angel: The six what?
(Wesley’s Apartment)
(There's open boxes of weapons and ammunition on the floor. Wesley's practicing using a sophisticated new concealed weapon on his forearm that shoots stakes and has a collapsible sword-like blade. There's a man standing in his apartment, watching him.)
Wesley: Tell Emil if it tests right in the field...(telephone rings) he'll be hearing from me again. (hands the man a stack of cash)
Guy: Yeah. OK. He'll be thrilled. (leaves the apartment)
Wesley: (picks up phone) Price here. Yes. Lorne, I said yes. I'll be there right away. If it works, it's worth doing. All right. Is everything…Uh, is everyone there? No. No. I was just wondering if everything was all right with Fred.
(Fred & Gunn’s Room)
(Fred and Gunn are lying in bed awake, staring at the ceiling in silence. There's a knock on their door, and Fred goes to answer it. It's Angel.)
Fred: What do you want?
(Lobby)
(Lorne's painted a symbol on the floor of the lobby. The symbol painted in thick white strokes in the form of a two-foot diameter circle with six evenly spaced three-foot spokes coming off of it. He's placing bundles of magical supplies and candles in each section. Gunn and Fred walk down the stairs into the lobby.)
Gunn: Oh, good. Symbols on the floor. That's always good.
Lorne: Check your sarcasm at the door, pouty britches. This is for Cordy.
Gunn: I just don't want no portals opening up around here. I've had enough of that crap.
Fred: Sorry, Lorne. We really have had a lot of that crap.
Lorne: Yeah, well, my parade is rain-proofed, baby doll. My first reading since I got my head drilled, and I find the spell that's gonna bring our little Cordy right back to us. Lo-lath ch-owrng ne bruun.
Fred: Kaya-no-m'tek.
(Wesley comes through the front doors confused at what he hears.)
Wesley: Did I miss the spell? Did English go away?
Lorne: No, it's Pylean, crumpet. I said, "I may be prepared to shout a joyful chant."
(Fred stares at Wesley, her eyes wide, seeming shocked to see Wesley here.)
Fred: And I said, "May your words please the gods."
Wesley: Are you all right? Did you...?
Fred: (nervously) It's done.
(As Fred and Wesley talk, Gunn watches from down the hall.)
(Night Club)
(Resume narration.)
Lorne: OK, first of all, she didn't say, "May your words please the gods," so much as "May you orally please the gods," which is a slight... inflection's very crucial in our…oh, God bless her, it's always nice to hear the mother tongue…as long as it's not from my mother. Is this on? (taps mic)
(Hyperion – Lobby)
(As Lorne narrates, show shots of each character as he describes them.)
Lorne: (vo) And secondly, I didn't know that a couple hours ago, Fred had tried to kill her evil Professor by opening a portal. Gunn didn't know that Wesley had helped her. And Wesley didn't know Gunn had killed the guy himself to save Fred from becoming a killer. And Fred didn't know that Gunn was right then figuring out that Wesley had helped her try.
(Night Club)
Lorne: So, you can see, I didn't have all the facts when I started this. It's my job to read people, but nobody in this clan was exactly singing. And me? Hey, I was thinking about Cordelia.
(Hyperion – Cordelia’s Room)
(Angel's come to talk to Cordelia, who is just getting out of the shower, wrapped in an oversized pink bath towel.)
Angel: Hey!
Cordelia: Oh!
Angel: Oh! Sorry.
Cordelia: I... wanted to clean up. Connor and I are not exactly staying at the Mondrian.
Angel: How is he?
Cordelia: He's eighteen. He's a mess. (goes to her closet) There's a lot of pain in him. I think it helps, having me there.
Angel: Good. That's good. We're almost ready. I'll be downstairs. (starts to leave)
Cordelia: So... (Angel stops at the door) you're perfectly OK with just wandering into my room any old time? That fits the "we were in love" theory and the harassment theory pretty much equally.
Angel: Well... Hopefully that'll all be answered soon. (shuts her door)
(Angel’s Office)
(While Fred and Lorne are in the lobby preparing for the spell, Wesley walks into the office to look at the bottle Lorne got for the spell. Although Wesley didn't see him sitting there in the shadows, Gunn is waiting for him in the office.)
Gunn: So, I guess I'm the muscle, huh?
Wesley: Sorry?
Gunn: Angel's the man on the card. It's his world. I'm not a leader no more. Don't got that champion's heart like Cordy. And the brains—that was you. So that leaves muscle.
Wesley: What about Fred?
Gunn: Well, that's the question, isn't it? She's pretty brainy too. Maybe you two are kindred souls. Maybe that's why she went to you for help getting revenge on that Professor. Killing takes brains.
Wesley: I did what you weren't prepared to do.
Gunn: (stands) You have no idea what I've—What I would do for her.
Wesley: Is there some reason I should need to know?
Gunn: You think I don't smell this a mile off? You think I don't know why you keep coming back here?
Wesley: Because you keep needing my help.
Gunn: (in his face) I'm gonna say this once: you move on Fred, and I'm gonna put you down hard.
Wesley: I'm glad to see you have such faith in your relationship.
Gunn: Keep pushing, English.
Wesley: Do you think you could get out of my way? (puts up his right hand to push Gunn away)
Gunn: (grabs Wesley's hand) I don't know what…
Wesley: (a blade springs out of his forearm contraption) Not all of us have muscle to fall back on. (retracts blade and walks away)
Gunn: What happened to you, man?
Wesley: (stops, turns) I had my throat cut and all my friends abandoned me. (leaves room)
(Lobby)
(As Lorne conducts the spell, all six people are sitting on the floor, arranged around the symbol Lorne painted earlier. They're all holding hands, with candles lit in front of them. Clockwise from Lorne, it's Angel, Cordy, Gunn, Fred, and Wesley.)
Lorne: OK, eyes on the bottle. We come in supplication and hope. Bring her back.
(The bottle starts to move, to dance around the center of the circle. Suddenly, magical amber light streams out of the bottle, and a stream heads for each person there. When the light stops, the bottle falls over and spins in the center of the circle.)
Cordelia: What's going on?
Lorne: I feel a little... (crawls away)
(Everyone seems a little confused or entranced or buzzed. They break the circle. Lorne crawls behind the counter and passes out.)
Gunn: What's happening to us?
(Angel goes outside. Inside, Fred's inspecting a houseplant.)
Fred: This is important. It's so beautiful... (pukes into the plant)
(Gunn practices martial arts moves. Wesley is still sitting where he was when they started.)
Wesley: We'll just wait to see if there are any side effects. (giggles)
Cordelia: (paranoid, stands) What's happening? We can't just... we have to... No! (She smashes the bottle with her foot. This seems to make the buzz go away for everyone.) OK. What the hell is goin' on here?
Wesley: What's your name?
Cordelia: I'm Cordelia Chase, dumbass. And if this is some sort of sophomore hazing prank where I get doped up and left with a bunch of proto-losers, then my parents are gonna be suing the entire population of Sunnydale. Comprendez?
Gunn: What the hell are you talking about?
Cordelia: It's called kidnapping a minor, hair club for men. And if you think for a second I'm gonna be putting up with this, well, you don't know Cordelia… (Angel walks in the room) Cordelia... Hello, salty goodness.
Wesley: All right. Hang on. You're Cordelia Chase, you're a high school student, you live in Sunnydale?
Cordelia: Right.
Wesley: (to Gunn) So who are you?
Gunn: I'm the guy that's gonna be kicking a whole mess of ass if somebody don't tell me what's going on.
Cordelia: What do they call you for short?
Wesley: Does anyone here recognize anyone?
(Angel stays back near the door, not coming down the steps into the lobby. He crouches down, balancing on his tiptoes, hugging his chest.)
Fred: Um, I'm Fred Burkle. (to Cordelia) I'm also in school in San Anton.
Cordelia: Oh, we're both in school. Oh, gosh, let's be best friends so I can lose all my cool ones.
Wesley: There's no need to be snippety, Miss.
Cordelia: This is a clarion call for snippety, Princess Charles.
Wesley: It's Wesley, thank you. Wyndham-Price. (grabs his lapels, puffs up with pride) I am from the Watcher's Academy in southern Hampshire. In fact, I happen to be head boy.
Cordelia: Gee, I wonder how you earned that nickname.
Wesley: A lot of effort, I don't mind saying.
Gunn: Gunn.
Wesley: (panics) Where?
Gunn: Me. That's my name. The short version.
Wesley: Ah. What school do you attend?
(Gunn rolls his eyes, and Cordelia scoffs.)
Cordelia: (walks up to Angel) So, we've heard from the socially handi-capable. What's your story?
Angel: Mad. (stands) You're all mad. These clothes. Your speech. This place. What land is this?
Gunn: What land is it supposed to be?
Wesley: Yes, where do you hail from, friend?
Angel: I'm not your friend, you English pig. We never wanted you in Ireland. We don't want you now.
Gunn: You Irish?
Cordelia: You don't sound Irish?
Angel: For most certain, I sound exactly… (holds hand to throat) Something wrong with my voice.
Wesley: Well, what's your name?
Angel: Liam. (concerned, holds his throat again)
Cordelia: Great. We've all got names. (walks toward the door) Bye, now.
Wesley: I wouldn't be so quick, Miss Chase, to leave. Clearly, we're all victims of some nefarious scheme.
Angel: (sitting on the stairs, muttering to himself) Liiiiiaaamm....
Wesley: (points to door) I'll lay odds that that door is bolted shut. And who knows what peril lies outside it.
Angel: (sitting on the stairs, muttering to himself) English pig. English pig?
Wesley: Before we do anything, I suggest we gather as much information as we can.
Angel: (sitting on the stairs) Liiiiiaaamm....
Cordelia: And I suggest we gather some cops.
Gunn: Yo... I don't want no heat near me.
Fred: I don't think we should call the police anyhow. I mean, they're probably involved.
Gunn: In what?
Fred: Don't y'all think this is some kind of government conspiracy? 'Cause my friend, Levon, says the government's always taking kids and experimentin' on 'em. Did anybody else have to take a personality disorder test recently? They ask you about politics and your bowel movements and if you want to be a florist…
Cordelia: OK. We've heard from Scarlet O'PleaseShutMeUp. Does anyone sane have a theory?
Fred: There's conspiracies and stuff. Y'all don't even know...
Gunn: I got no problem with the idea that the man is messing with us.
Wesley: The important thing is to start with the facts. We're all from different cities, we're all of an age... (rubs chin thoughtfully) Judging from the amount of facial hair I've grown, we've all been unconscious for at least a month.
Cordelia: (touches her short hairstyle) Oh, God. Oh, God. My hair. My hair. (crying) The government gave me bad hair.
Fred: (goes to Cordelia) No, no, it's nice.
Wesley: (goes to Cordelia) Yes, it's, uh, just the thing.
Cordelia: Are you sure?
Wesley: It's...eh...very attractive. But a clue, nonetheless. Perhaps the whole point of this experiment is hair. (touches his chin stubble)
Gunn: I vote he's not in charge.
Angel: It's the devil. It's the devil.
Cordelia: (crying) My hair?
Angel: My father said I was a sinner, that I'd come to a bad end. Now I've come to hell.
Gunn: Well, hell's a lot nicer than my place.
Wesley: It appears to be some sort of hotel.
Fred: Well, maybe it's Motel Hell. (giggles and snorts)
Wesley: Well, let's get the lay of the place.
Gunn: Don't be giving me orders. I run my own crew.
Wesley: I'm sure your seafaring adventures are very interesting, but I have experience of things you couldn't imagine. I'm not head boy for nothing.
Gunn: (in his face) You 'bout to be headless boy, you don't get out my face.
Wesley: Intimidation. Ha. Ha. Points for effort. Perhaps a little kar-ate technique will put you in your place.
(Wesley does a pretty bad demonstration of karate martial arts. When he bends down his wrist, a dagger shoots out of his forearm. Wesley gasps and jumps back.)
Cordelia: What the hell was that?
Wesley: A clue?
Gunn: Was that a wooden stake you got?
Wesley: Apparently, yes. Which changes the scenario quite a bit.
Fred: (tries karate moves of her own, inspects her hands) I didn't get one.
Gunn: Nobody got one except English, here. Why's that?
Wesley: I don't know. I suggest we look about for weapons of some kind.
Gunn: Yeah, that part works.
(Fred and Gunn walk around to the back of the front counter. Fred screams. Wesley's concealed weapon starts going haywire: the sword comes out, but it's to unwieldy for him.)
Fred: Aah!
Wesley: Aah! (finally getting his weapon under control) All right. Nobody scream. Or touch my arms.
Fred: Well, I think I found another clue.
Gunn: She's not wrong.
Cordelia: OK, this is even less funny. What the hell is that?
(They have found Lorne, who's passed out on the floor.)
Angel: I knew it. It's the devil.
Fred: Why is the devil sleepy?
(Alley)
(There's a fight going on in the alley. Hard rock music plays in the background. Connor's fighting two vampires, throwing them around, against the walls and ground.)
Vampire: This ain't your business, kid.
Connor: No... (beating the vampire up) this is my bad mood. (Connor jumps into the air and kicks both vampires in the face at once. One runs away, but the other can't escape. There's a woman standing nearby, watching the fight.) This is my business. (stakes him) (to woman) Are you hurt?
Woman: They were gonna kill me. Bastards.
Connor: Well, you're safe now. (starts to walk away)
Woman: Whoa. Whoa. Hey. (coming on to him) Baby, you saved my life. (touches his chest) Don't you want your reward. (leans in face to face) I can give you a nice reward.
Connor: Uh...yeah, OK.
Woman: You got 50 bucks?
Connor: What for?
Woman: You got nothing. (walks away)
Connor: Wait. (grabs her arm) Hey, I saved you.
Woman: You still don't ride free, junior. Why don't you run home to mama. Maybe she'll give you a special treat for being such a good boy.
(Night Club)
Lorne: Classy girl. And poor Connor: engine revving and stuck in park. Yeah, well, enough about him. In the meanwhile, guess what I'm doing for fun.
(Hyperion – Lobby)
(Wesley is duct-taping Lorne to the lobby bench while Gunn and Cordelia look on.)
Gunn: I say we cut his head off.
Wesley: He may have information we need. When he wakes up…
Gunn: When he wakes up, we don't even know if this tape is gonna hold him. I say we cut his damn head off.
Wesley: Thank you very much, Marie Antionette.
Gunn: What'd you call me?
Cordelia: Hey. Hey, you two want to stop the homo-erotic buddy cop session long enough to explain this. Wooden stakes. A guy with horns. And neither of you seems that surprised when things just keep getting weirder.
(Meanwhile, Fred and Angel have found the weapons cabinet. They open it and look inside.)
Fred: They really are. Have you got any weed?
Wesley: (overly dramatic) All right. I'm going to let you all in on something you may have trouble comprehending. I assure you that however…
Gunn: Vampires are real.
Wesley: I was telling!
Gunn: Vampires are all over L.A. I've been fighting 'em my whole life.
Angel: That creature's a vampire?
Gunn: No, I ain't never seen nothin' like that.
Wesley: I have. (raises hand) Oh. It's... a demon. Probably of the Karathmama...nyuhg family. You see? Some of us have slightly broader experience…
Gunn: How do you kill it?
Wesley: Well, I know this breed is nocturnal and feeds on roots or possibly human effluvia, and, uh, it's a horned race…
(Fred goes to look at Lorne up close.)
Gunn: So you know jack?
Wesley: They're nocturnal.
Gunn: I'm gonna get me one of them axes.
Wesley: Hold on.
Gunn: Hey! Don't matter what it is. It looks wrong, it dies. (walks away)
Wesley: (grabs Gunn's arm to stop him) Not 'til we find out… (Gunn grabs Wesleys's neck from behind) Oh, quit it! (Wesley grabs Gunn's ear)
Gunn: Oh, get off my…
Wesley: Watch the arm. Watch the arm!
Cordelia: Aren't you gonna get in there and stop them?
Angel: It's about time the English got what's comin' to 'em. I'm rootin' for the slave.
(Lorne's still unconscious, his head hanging limply down, and Fred's still inspecting him. She touches his horns. Then Lorne lifts his head and looks into the camera at the audience.)
Lorne: Ugh. I know I'm still unconscious during this part of the story, but... (gestures to the fight) can you believe these mooks? (hangs head limply again)
(Cordelia breaks up the fight.)
Cordelia: Enough, OK. If head cheese here has a theory, then let's hear it.
Wesley: There are stories at the Watcher's Academy of a test. A secret gauntlet which only the most cunning can survive. You're locked in a house with a vicious, deadly vampire, and you have to kill him before he kills you. It's been done in the past with slayers.
Fred: Slayer? The band?
Wesley: No, it— The point is... this could be a test—the weapons, the maze-like locale, the innocent civilians, and the mysterious Karathmama...nyuhg demon. This is a test!
Gunn: I ain't a civilian. I've been killing vamps since I was twelve.
Wesley: Which only supports my theory. You must be here in an advisory capacity.
Gunn: I think I'm here in a "chop that green bitch's head off" capacity, and I don't give a damn about no test!
Fred: (to Gunn) Are you always this grouchy?
Gunn: Only when I wake up with a bunch of insane white folks trying to tell me what to do. The day I take orders from guys like you is the day I…not even gonna happen.
Cordelia: Keep explaining why we're not walking out that door?
Angel: Because they did something to us. They changed us.
Cordelia: You mean, this is about my hair?
Fred: I sorta see his point. Not one of y'all looks exactly seventeen. It's like time's been pushed forward, like we missed a bunch of years.
(Everyone's inspecting their bodies. Wesley feels his bicep. Cordelia feels her breasts.)
Cordelia: I kinda have filled out even more.
Fred: And… (looks at her own chest) I apparently ain't gonna.
Angel: I feel cold... inside.
Cordelia: This is so unfair! I'm a craggy 20-something? What about prom?!
Gunn: Could be that demon put a whammy on us.
Fred: So, you think, if we kill this vampire, they take off the spell whammy and we can go back to being ourselves?
Cordelia: (hopefully) And never see each other again?
Wesley: I believe we can all just go about our business.
Cordelia: (hopefully) And never see each other again?
Gunn: Great. So we go vamp hunting. (goes to weapons cabinet to select an axe) This place looks pretty big. I say two groups.
Cordelia: Great. I'll go with tall, dark, and slightly less pathetic than you two here. We'll try the rooms. (She grabs a stake for herself and a sword for Angel from the weapons cabinet.)
Wesley: We'll look downstairs, but remember, if you find the vampire, it is a vicious animal. Just try to draw it in toward us. Don't worry. We'll win this day, I assure you.
Fred: I'm ready. I'm OK. Be cooler if we could score some weed, though.
(Hallway)
(Cordelia is walking behind Angel down the hallway. She's got a stake in hand. They hear music coming from a radio in one of the rooms.)
Cordelia: God, there's like a million rooms.
Angel: (hears the radio, and goes in the room to investigate) Minstrels. (He pokes at the radio with his sword, looking at the box with interest. Cordelia presses the power button.) How did…? You stopped the tiny men from singing.
Cordelia: You really are far from home, aren't you?
Angel: (sits on bed) I tell ya, I get through this, I'm gonna have a great cup of ale…I don't care what father says it does to you.
Cordelia: (sits beside him) Maybe we should just sit tight and let the vampire experts deal with this thing. (rubs his back)
Angel: Sorry for acting so... womanish.
Cordelia: Oh, you're no…(feels his bicep) really not womanish.
Angel: You're very sweet.
Cordelia: You don't know the half of it. What is it about danger that makes…makes your blood just… (While Cordelia's talking about blood, Angel stares at her neck longingly. He vamps out momentarily, but returns to normal before Cordelia can see him.) What's wrong?
Angel: Nothing. Excuse me. (Angel stands, and goes to the bathroom. He looks in the mirror and sees no reflection. He comes back into the bedroom, panicked.) I'm invisible.
Cordelia: No, you're not.
Angel: Oh. Excuse me.
(Angel goes back into the bathroom and closes the door. He looks into the mirror again, but there's no reflection. He's worried. He vamps out and feels his bumpy forehead and fangs. Then he goes back to normal face again. Panicked, he starts exercising his vamping ability by going back and forth between vamp and normal face several times rapidly, rhythmically, going faster and faster like it's building up to something. Angel's making small grunting sounds and breathing hard.)
Cordelia: (standing at the bathroom door) What's going on?
Angel: (to Cordelia) Uh, I'm almost finished. (to himself) I'm a vampire. They're gonna kill me.
(Night Club)
Lorne: Well, those were some exciting products. Am I right? (smokes cigarette, audience claps) Mmm. Let's all think about buying some of those. But if I can bring it down a moment. (takes off jacket, spotlight changes from blue to red) Is there anything worse than feeling like you're all alone? (While Lorne narrates, show Angel coming out of the bathroom. He and Cordelia leave the bedroom together.) Like you're the only person in the world who thinks the way you do, and if anyone else found out, they'd drive a pointy wooden thing through your heart? And as for our fearless vampire killers...
(Hyperion – Kitchen)
(Gunn, Fred and Wesley are walking around the kitchen. Fred's holding a wooden stake that's three feet long, made from a baseball bat whose heavy end has been cut to a point. She's got it hoisted over her shoulder like she's at-bat. Gunn's ahead of Fred and Wesley, who are closer together.)
Fred: I just don't think we should be rulin' out the idea of aliens. I mean, he is a greenish sorta fella. And his bein' asleep all that time. I mean, think about it a minute. (stops walking, turns to Wesley) They could have been doin' Heaven knows what. I can just see myself lying on a table—no clothes, no will—while they probed and explored and did whatever they wanted to my naked, helpless body. (Wes's dagger accidentally shoots out of his forearm) It's horrible.
Wesley: Horrible. Yes. But I assure you, this is demonic work. And they're not nearly so exploratory as— (pats her hand awkwardly) Don't be afraid.
Gunn: Ain't nuttin here. 'S gettin' old.
Wesley: Well, let's not give up probe. (beat) Hope. Give up hope. We're not…
(Gunn and Fred walk away.)
(Lobby)
(Wesley's back in the lobby. He's inspecting Lorne, who's still passed out, more closely. Angel and Cordelia walk down the stairs into the lobby.)
Wesley: Any luck?
Angel: We saw no vampires of any kind anywhere.
Wesley: Did you check every room?
Cordelia: Only the ones that wanted turn-down service. There's five floors. My feet hurt. You finish.
Gunn: It's a waste of time.
Angel: (backs toward door) I agree. There's nothing here. This place is evil, and I think that I should leave now 'cause of evil.
Wesley: (runs after Angel) Don't be a fool!
Angel: Good luck, all. (leaves through front door)
Gunn: (polishing his axe) So, we're all locked in, huh?
Cordelia: Excuse me? Did I just get the brush off? Did a guy just bail on me? There really is some sort of horrible spell.
Fred: Do you think Liam's OK out there?
Gunn: If something's eating him, at least he ain't as bored as me.
Wesley: Joke all you like. Liam, right now, may be facing horrors he's never even imagined.
(Outside Hyperion)
(Angel runs out to the street through the garden. He sees lots of traffic on the street, and is frightened by the loud noises of honking and the bright headlights and the speedy cars and trucks. He runs back toward the hotel through the garden.)
(Lobby)
(Panicked, Angel comes in through the front doors and shuts them behind him.)
Fred: Liam!
Angel: Demons?!
Wesley: Really? (to Gunn) Told you. (Gunn stands, axe ready) How many?
Angel: Hundreds. Screaming.
Fred: (hiding behind a column) Will they try to get in?
Angel: Don't think they saw me.
Fred: I guess you really better solve this puzzle and all.
Wesley: What type of demons, would you say?
Angel: Shiny.
(Wesley, hiding behind column with Fred, looks confused. Angel walks down into the lobby and sits by Cordelia.)
Cordelia: Yep, I still got it.
Gunn: So, that means we gotta check the rest of the rooms? 'Cause I'm bored just saying it.
Fred: Wouldn't the vampire be comin' after us anyhow? Aren't we vittles?
Wesley: And he should be starving, by rule. But I also happen to think that further searching would be pointless. I think the Council has been far cleverer than I imagined.
Fred: Ooh. How?
Gunn: Yes, speech, speech.
Wesley: Five people, each unknown to each other, far from home, trapped together at night— (Angel eyes Cordelia's neck as she listens intently to Wesley.) I submit that the blood-sucking fiend may be closer than we dared suspect. That it may be…
Angel: (stands suddenly) I'll search the rooms.
Wesley: I was getting to the good part!
Angel: But we can't just wait for the vampire to appear. I'll just flush him out…
Wesley: (jumping up and down) ...that it may be one of us.
Cordelia: Uh... you're kidding.
Wesley: Would that I were, Miss Chase, but the simple fact is... the fiend has been under our noses the entire time, waiting for the moment to... (takes cross out of his breast pocket, and puts it in Gunn's face) strike!
(Gunn punches Wesley in the face, and Wesley falls to the ground.)
Angel: See? (giggles) The English is stupid. Let's have a different theory.
Wesley: I'm not quite finished. I think it's only fair that everybody have a turn. The cross obviously doesn't affect me or our friend, (points to Gunn) the pugilist.
Gunn: Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up.
(Cordelia takes the cross and waves it around in front of her. She scoffs and tosses the cross to Fred. Fred scans her body with the cross like a security guard would with a metal detector/scanner at the airport. She hands the cross to Angel, who takes it in his hand. He holds onto the cross despite the fact it's starting to burn him; his hand smokes and he puts it by his side where it's difficult for the others to see.)
Angel: See. No vampire here. I'm just like the rest of you.
Fred: Does anyone else here…?
Angel: Look, the devil's awake.
(Everyone goes to investigate Lorne. Angel tosses the cross over his shoulder.)
Wesley: Don't get too close.
Lorne: Ooh...Oh...Guys, hey, that was quite a whammy. A little trip through the transitive nightfall of diamonds, if you know what I mean. I certainly don't, but…
Angel: He speaks madness.
Lorne: Hey, here's a funny sidebar. (wriggles against restraints) I'm tied to a chair…again! What the hell's going on?
Wesley: We were hoping you would enlighten us, spawn of evil.
Lorne: Oh, dear. I'm starting to suspect my surefire hit spell closed out of town. (whimpers) Did anything go right? Anything? Did Cordy at least get her memory back?
Wesley: (pointing at Lorne) Just tell us where the vampire is, fiend. (Angel stiffens up)
Lorne: What are you talking about? There aren't any vampires here. (Angel relaxes) Well, I mean, except for our boy here.
Angel: Uh, lying devil man.
Lorne: Oh, like my spell made you not a vampire anymore. My magic isn't that…
Angel: (punches Lorne hard in the head) Shut your mouth.
(Freeze frame.)
(Night Club)
Lorne: Ow!
(Hyperion Lobby)
(Resume. Unfreeze the frame. Lorne was punched so hard, it sent him and the chair he's tied to sliding across the floor. Gunn, wielding the battle-axe, pushes Fred behind him and out of the way. She wanders over to where Wesley and Cordelia are.)
Angel: It's not…he just…
Wesley: Well, our mystery solved.
Gunn: Explains the lame-ass cover story about being Irish, too.
Cordelia: (to Wesley) Is this a convenient time to point out that you left me alone with him, genius?
Angel: (between Wesley and Gunn now) Well, I-I never touched her.
Cordelia: So, clearly, deviant.
Angel: I'm not.
Wesley: (trying to activate his forearm weapon) Vampires are all the same, my friend. There's nothing human about them. (a stake comes out, poised)
Gunn: (holds axe menacingly) That's right. You ain't a person. Just dust waitin' to happen.
Angel: I don't wanna hurt anyone.
Fred: What do we do?
Wesley: Don't fear. It's under control.
Fred: (grabs Wesley's arm) Are you sure?
Wesley: (stake shoots out from his forearm) Sorry. I mean, ha!
(The stake landed in Angel's side, but didn't dust him. Angel vamps out and starts fighting with Gunn. He wrestles the axe away from Gunn and throws him across the room. Angel turns toward Wes, Fred and Cordelia in vamp face. Cordelia goes to hide behind the chair Lorne's tied to. Fred cowers behind Wesley.)
Angel: You want a vampire, then? I guess I'm your man. I guess I'll start feeding on your corpses. Startin' with the girls. So, who's gonna be the first course? Hard to choose between you two girls…
Cordelia: (stands up from behind the chair) What do you mean, it's hard? (eyes widen) I mean, she's the tasty one. (points to Fred) Look at her. Half of her is neck. (Fred shrugs to hide her neck)
Wesley: (activates the sword part of his forearm weapon) Miss Chase, Miss Burkle, run.
(Cordelia and Fred run away, while Wesley charges toward Angel with his sword. Wesley swings at Angel, but Angel just punches Wesley in the nose. He falls to the ground.)
(Storage Room)
(Cordelia's running away from Angel, trying to hide in a storage room behind some boxes.)
Angel: It baffles me. You liked me so much before, and now I can't even get a little kiss. I can see you. (Cordelia tries to make a run for it, but Angel catches her. He holds her in front of him by her upper arms.) I seem to be strong, too, and fast. It's not so bad, this vampire thing.
Cordelia: Well, I've got a super power of my own, hot shot.
Angel: What's that now? (She screams really loud. Angel back off a little, putting his hands up defensively.) That really is inhuman. But what good do you really think that…
(Connor comes into the room and knocks Angel across the room. Wesley follows Connor down the stairs into the storage room, but trips on the stairs and falls to the floor.)
Wesley: Yes, that one…Kill that one, please!
(Angel lunges at Connor, who throws him out the window. Angel lands a floor below, in the kitchen.)
Cordelia: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Connor: Why did he attack you?
Cordelia: Well, who wouldn't? (rubs his shoulder, eyes him sexily) Look, you're a wee bit chess club for my usual beat, but you kill that freak and you're getting a big reward.
Connor: You mean it?
Cordelia: Hoo doggy!
(Kitchen)
(Connor goes to the hotel's kitchen to find where Angel landed. Angel swings at Connor and they start to fight.)
Angel: Think I'm a bit tired of being bullied.
(Lobby)
(Fred was hiding behind a curtain near the front desk of the lobby. When she thinks it's all clear, she tiptoes over to Gunn's side; he's passed out on the floor behind the front desk.)
Lorne: Um, sweetie?
Fred: Huh?
Lorne: Uh, can I take a minute of your time? We have a huge problem, but I can solve it.
Fred: Why should I trust you?
Lorne: 'Cause we're buddies, Freddikins. We did a spell, it went wrong, but we can make it right. Is the bottle still there, on the floor, in the circle?
Fred: (crawls out from behind the counter to look) You mean those bitty bits of broken glass?
Lorne: Oh, balls...Well, we can still do it. Maybe one at a time. You just gotta untie me first.
Fred: I don't know.
Lorne: Oh, Fred. Look into your heart. Am I evil?
(Kitchen)
(Angel and Connor are still fighting.)
Angel: You're stronger than the rest. Are you not a vampire yourself, then?
Connor: You don't remember?
Angel: I remember waking up here in this madhouse with that fine lot of hypocrites.
Connor: Hypocrites.
Angel: I'm supposed to be evil, but they attack me without cause. They gang up on me because I'm different. They're as bad as my father.
Connor: Fathers. Don't they suck?
Angel: Say one thing, then... "Be good. Fear God. Do as you're told." And the whole while I know good and well, he's had his share of sinning.
Connor: Sounds kinda like my father.
Angel: Is he a self-righteous bastard?
Connor: You'd be amazed. (Connor goes for Angel, but Angel evades him.) You're afraid to fight me?
Angel: Truth to tell, I'm not much for fighting. I'd rather be satisfying my sinful urges with the Chase girl.
Connor: You keep the hell away from her.
Angel: Oh, the girl's yours, then?
Connor: That's right.
Angel: She never did mention you when we were alone togeth…
(Connor grabs a cast iron skillet and throws it at Angel, hitting him in the head. They continue to fight.)
(Lobby)
(Lorne's mixing up some potion in the lobby. Fred's there, eyes clinched shut, sticking out her tongue.)
Fred: (mumbled because her tongue's sticking out) Hurry up. I'm nervous.
Lorne: OK. OK. (puts a drop of the potion on Fred's tongue with his finger)
Fred: (makes a face) Oh, Lord.
Lorne: Well, did it work?
(Gunn's conscious now, coming at Lorne with a weapon.)
Fred: Wait!
(Kitchen)
(Angel and Connor continue to fight. Angel finally gets the upper hand when he flips Connor onto the floor, hurting his back momentarily.)
Connor: You happy now?
Angel: I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be attacked. I didn't ask to be a freak. Hell, I didn't even ask to be born.
(Angel walks away. Connor gets up off the floor and calls after him.)
Connor: Wait.
Angel: What do you want? Another beating.
Connor: Oh, I so almost had you.
Angel: Ha. Not in a dream.
Fred: (sticks her head through the broken window Angel fell through earlier) Hold it. Nobody kill anybody. Please?
(Lobby)
(Wesley walks through the lobby, sullenly. Gunn and Fred clean up, but no one speaks.)
(Night Club)
Lorne: (split screen while lobby action is shown beside) (playing piano) So, all's well that ends well. Right, kiddies?
(Hyperion – Lobby)
(Lorne is giving Cordelia her drop of potion while Angel and Connor look on. She makes a face and then runs out of the lobby.)
(Night Club)
Lorne: But since nothing ended all that well, I guess I gotta say that well, nothing was well. See, none of us knew it then, but the sequence of events was a little different than we thought. It went more like this…
(Hyperion – Lobby)
(In the hotel lobby, Lorne is giving Cordelia her drop of potion while Angel and Connor look on. She has a vision of a scary red-faced demon opening its eyes. She makes a face and then runs out of the lobby.)
(Night Club)
Lorne: Well, it's been a long night. For everyone. (closes keyboard cover) I hope you've all enjoyed my little tale so much that you tip your waitresses with obnoxious abandon.
Audience Man: Finish it!
Lorne: (stands) Always leave 'em wantin' more, kiddo. That's the rule. Anyway, I've got no more to tell. Applause, applause. I got a sea breeze that's gonna up and leave with someone else if I don't get to her soon. (puts on jacket) So you kids be good and go home. Hug your families while you can. And stay away from the magic. Trust me.
(Hyperion – Hallway)
(Cordelia's walking away, but Angel's going after her.)
Angel: Cordy.
Cordelia: I can't. Angel, I-I'm sorry.
Angel: You remember.
Cordelia: I remember all of it. All of it. And I have to be alone. Please? For a while. It's too... I… (walks away)
Angel: (calls after her) Cordelia. (she turns around) Were we in love?
Cordelia: We were. (walks away)
(Night Club)
(Lorne's finished putting on his jacket, and he walks off the stage through the audience full of empty tables. It turns out he was in the Hyperion Ballroom the whole time. He continues out of the ballroom.)
Season Four Guide
