The Train Job
TEASER
(A bar. A belly dancer dances around the room. Men are sitting around playing cards. Pan up to Mal in brown coat playing chinese checkers. He's sitting with Zoe and Jayne. As the belly dancer goes by she slips Mal a piece of paper which he quickly puts in his pocket.)
Jayne: (to Mal) Your move.
(Mal moves pieces.)
Zoe: That's a bold move.
Mal: I live on the edge.
(Mal takes a swallow of his drink. Zoe moves her pieces, and apparently causes Mal to lose.)
Jayne: (to Mal) Nice work, dumbass.
Mal: I'd given some thought to movin' off the edge-- not an ideal location--thinkin' a place in the middle.
Man: (os) Toast! Toast! (the noise continues) QUIET! SHUT UP!
(Camera moves to a man standing at the bar. He's large, bald, and drunk -- and his name is Lund.)
Lund: I'm, uh, I got words... I'm sayin' this is an a'spicious day.
(Mal looks uncomfortable.)
Lund: (cont'd) We all know what day it is.
Jayne: (quietly, to Mal) Suspicious... what day is it?
Lund: A glorious day, for all the proud members of the allied planets. Unification day! (Pumps his fist for emphasis. The camera moves back to Mal, who closes his eyes as if in pain, then looks at Zoe.) The end of the scumbag independents, the dawn of a new galaxy! Rough cheers burst from the crowd.
(Mal gets up.)
Zoe: Captain?
Mal: (leaving the table) I just feel the need for another drink.
Jayne: (confused, half to himself) What month is it?
(Mal walks to the bar, and stands next to Lund, leaning forward to get the bartender's attention.)
Mal: (in Chinese) Can I have one more glass of Ng-Ka-Pei, please?
Lund: Hey, you gonna drink t'the Alliance wi' me? Six years today, the Alliance sent the browncoats running, pissing their pants. (He looks at Mal’s coat.) Y'know, your coat is kinda a brownish color.
Mal: It was on sale. (He downs his drink.)
Lund: You didn't toast? Y'know, I'm thinkin' you one of them independents
Mal: And I'm thinkin' you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other, til we go away?
(He turns away from Lund and faces the bar.)
Lund: The Independents were a bunch of cowardly inbred pisspots. Shoulda been killed off of every world spinnin'. (Mal sets down his drink, stone faced. Turns to Lund.)
Mal: (edge of anger to it) Say that to my face.
(They both stand, getting into each others' face.)
Lund: (slowly) I said, you're a coward, and a pisspot. Now what are you gonna do about it?
Mal: (chipper) Nothin'. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind ya. (Lund turns, and his face meets Zoe’s fist.) Drunks are so cute. (The entire bar gets up slowly, looking pissed.) (in Chinese) Oh, this is a happy development...
Zoe: Jayne...
(Jayne is still sitting at the table with his feet up looking relaxed.)
Jayne: Hey, I didn't fight in no war. Best of luck, though. (He drinks.)
Mal: Fine. Let's do this.
(OUTSIDE)
(We see a large window, which turns out to be some sort of field rather than glass. We know this because it shifts as Mal comes flying through it. He quickly pulls out his communicator.)
Mal: (into com) Wash, we've got some local color happening. Your grand entrance would not go amiss.
(Cut to front of the building. Zoe is pushing two men around. It’s a regular brawl. Zoe and Mal, taking on the whole bar.)
Mal: (to Zoe) Is Jayne even awake?
(Cut to front of the building. Jayne comes out fighting, a few more men getting pushed around by his barstool. lots of punching and fighting. Zoe head-butts someone. The fight continues until…)
Mal: (looking down. Way down.) Woah woah... haha! (He, Jayne, and Zoe are backed up against the edge of a cliff.) There's just an acre of you fellas. (to Zoe) This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.
Zoe: Thanks for the re-enactment, sir.
(Lund comes out, big gun in hand, pointed at Mal. The two men flanking him also draw their guns.)
Jayne: Hey, them ain't kosherized rules.
Lund: I'm thinkin' somebody needs to put you down, dog. What do you think?
Mal: I'm thinkin' we'll rise again.
(A whir of noise and dust as Serenity appears behind Mal, Zoe, and Jayne. A voice comes over the loudspeaker.)
Wash: (os) Every man there go back inside, or we will blow a new crater in this little moon.
(The men go back inside. Zoe, Mal, and Jayne board the ship. Mal waves goodbye to the men.)
(SERENITY - CARGO AREA)
Jayne: Damn yokels can't even tell a transport ship ain't got no guns on it. (laughs) "Blow a new crater in this moon." (laughs)
(He walks off as Mal and Zoe head for the bridge.)
(BRIDGE)
Mal: My thanks Wash, nice save as always.
Wash: A pleasure.
Mal: And how are our passengers?
(Kaylee slides out from under the instrument panel.)
Kaylee: They're fine. So... (excited) ... what happened? Was there a terrible brawl?
Zoe: Oddly enough, there was.
Wash: Are you gettin' my wife into trouble?
Mal: Wha? I didn't start it! Just wanted a quiet drink.
Zoe: (deadpan) Funny, sir, how you always seem to find yourself in an Alliance-friendly bar come U-day, looking for a "quiet drink."
Mal: See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety. Makes it hard.
(Kaylee laughs.)
Wash: Did we at least make a contact?
Mal: (pulling out a piece of paper) Ladies and menfolk, we have ourselves a job. (Zoe grabs the paper with a smile.) Take us out of the world, Wash, got us some crime to be done.
(INFIRMARY)
(River is on the table, asleep.)
(Flashback to River undergoing torture.)
(River screams and jumps off the table.)
Simon: River? (River is crying, kneeling against the wall.) River, it's okay, it's me. (River continues to cry, her hands over her ears.) You know who I am?
River: Simon.
Simon: Were you dreaming? (River stands, slowly.) Did you dream about the Academy?
River: It's not relevent.
Simon: If you can talk about what happened there, and I know it's hard but, the more I know, the faster you'll get better.
River: (quietly) This isn't home.
Simon: (gently) No. No, we can't go home. If we go home, they'll just send you back to the Academy. This is safer now. (River just shakes her head and looks upset.) We're on a ship.
River: (looking around) Midbook Transport. Standard radio and accelerator core. Class code 03-K64--Firefly.
Mal: (entering room) Well, that's somethin'. I can't even remember all that.
(He walks over to the sink, and starts washing his hands.)
Simon: Need a weave on that?
Mal: It's nothin'
Simon: I expect there's someone's face feels differently.
Mal: Well, they tell ya, never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is on occasion hilarious.
(He dries his hands.)
Simon: I suppose so. So the, ah, the fight (looking over at River) ...didn't umm, draw any, umm, any attention.
Mal: No Feds. Just an honest brawl between folks. Ain't none of us wanted the Alliance on us, Doctor, that's why you're here.
Simon: I thought I was here because you needed a medic.
Mal: Well, not today. (He walks out.)
River: (staring after him) Mal, bad. In the Latin.
(HALL – OUTSIDE INFIRMARY)
Mal: Shepherd Book.
Book: Captain! How's the girl?
Mal: Just a little whimsical in the brainpan. Seems calm enough though.
(In the background, River can be seen freaking out through the windows of the medical bay.)
Book: That young man's very brave.
Mal: (mock seriousness) Yeah. He's my hero.
Book: Gave up everything to free his sister from that place. Go from being a doctor on the Central Planets to hiding on the fringes of the system. There's not many would do that.
Mal: Suppose not. (He starts to walk off.)
Book: Not many would take them in, either. (Mal stops.) Why did you?
Mal: Same reason I took you on board, Shepherd. I need the fare.
(He starts walking up the stairs towards the engine room. Book follows him with a laugh.)
Book: There's neither of can pay a tenth what your crew makes on one of your "jobs".
Mal: Are you referring to our perfectly legitimate business enterprises?
Book: I'm wondering why a man so anxious to fly under Alliance radar would house known fugitives. The Alliance had her in that institution for a purpose, whatever it was, and they will want her back. You're not overly fond of the boy, so why risk it?
Mal: Only cause it's the right thing to do. (He looks into the Engine Room. It’s a complete mess.) Oh, would you look at this? Kaylee!
(He and Book keep walking.)
Book: I begin to wonder if you yourself know why you're doing it.
Mal: Well what about you, Shepherd? How come you're flying about with us brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the fuzzy-wuzzies or some such?
Book: Oh, I've got heathens aplenty right here.
Mal: If I'm your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You're welcome on my boat, God ain't. (walks off) (to himself) Where the hell's that girl?
(INARA'S SHUTTLE)
(Inara is brushing Kaylee’s hair.)
Inara: Do you want me to put it up?
Kaylee: No, that's okay.
Inara: You have such lovely hair. I'm sure the Doctor would agree.
Kaylee: Who? Simon? No, he's much too, I mean I'm just-- do you think it looks better up?
Inara: We can experiment. We might even get wild later and wash your face.
Kaylee: Do you ever do this for your clients?
Inara: Very occasionally. Not all of them have enough hair to get a brush through.
Kaylee: Have you ever had to service a really hideous client? With boils and the like?
Inara: A Companion chooses her own clients, that's Guild law. But physical appearance doesn't matter so terribly. You look for a compatibility of spirit. There's an energy about a person that's difficult to hide, you try to feel that—
Mal: (walks in) And then you try to feel the energy of their credit account. It has a sort of aura.
Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?
Mal: That it was manly and impulsive?
Inara: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was "don't".
Mal: Well, you're holding my mechanic in thrall. And Kaylee, what the hell's goin' on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?
Kaylee: I had to rewire the grav thrust because somebody won't replace that crappy compression coil.
Mal: Well get the place squared away. It's dangerous in there, and I ain't paying you to get your hair played at.
Kaylee: (in Chinese) Horrible old tyrant...
(She gets up to leave.)
Mal: We work before we play. (Kaylee leaves and Mal turns and watches Inara collect her tea things.) You're servicing crew now?
Inara: In your lonely, pathetic dreams. What do you want?
Mal: We have a job.
Inara: Congratulations. This job wouldn't be on a decently civilized planet where I could screen some respectable clients perhaps?
Mal: Respectable clients, it seems a contradiction.
Inara: (interrupting) Don't start. There is something that is intended to be UST.
Mal: There's, umm... We haven't gotten a location yet. We'll be landing on the Skyplex in a bit. Run by a fellow called Niska.
Inara: Never heard of him.
Mal: Well I have. While we're there, you'll stay confined to the ship.
Inara: Is the petty criminal perchance ashamed to be riding with a Companion?
Mal: (serious) This guy has a very unlovely rep. He's got work for me, fine. But I don't... (pauses) I'm not sure you'd be safe.
Inara: (smiling) Mal, if you're being a gentleman, I may die of shock.
(Mal grunts, and bows, walking off. He turns around and walks back towards Inara.)
Mal: Have you got time to do my hair?
Inara: Out.
(SKYPLEX.)
(Serenity docks, and Crow a rather large man with tattoos opens the door. Mal, Zoe, and Jayne enter.)
Niska: (os) He's fine. Crow, they can come in. And Malcolm Reynolds is which?
Mal: I'm Captain Reynolds. My First Mate Zoe, this is Jayne.
Niska: Very nice. I am Adelai Niska. You have seen Crow. He likes to stand at the door to say Boo!
Mal: We got word you might have a job for us.
Niska: (standing) Yes! Yes, an exciting job. A train has, eh, something I need. You have worked a train before?
Mal: We did a few.
Niska: Are you going to ask me what it is I need?
Mal: As a rule, no.
Niska: Yes. Good! You have reputation! Malcolm Reynolds gets it done is the talk.
Mal: Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Niska: You know what is reputation? Is people talking. Is gossip. I also have reputation. And not so pleasant I think you know. Crow? (Crow swings open a door to reveal a man hanging by his feet, looking pretty gorram tortured to death.) Now for you, my reputation is not from gossip. You see this man. Eh, he does not do the job. I show what I do him, and now my reputation for you is fact, is solid. You do the train job for me, then you are solid. No more gossip.
Mal: Right.
Niska: Oooh. You do not like I kill this man.
Mal: Oh, no. I'm sure he was a very bad person.
Niska: My wife's nephew. At dinner, I'm getting earful. There is no way out of that. So, oh! The train job. Come here! (He beckons them and turns on a display of a train.) Here, in fifth car, two boxes. Alliance goods. You don't mind taking from Alliance I think. From your reputation? You get on train at Hancock, headed for Paradiso. You take boxes off, before you reach Paradiso, and deliver to Crow -- (he touches a spot on the display, which lights up) -- here. Half money now, Crow give you other half money at rendezvous point. Anything goes wrong, then, your reputation, only gossip, and things between us, not so solid. Yes?
(TRAIN)
(Mal and Zoe are seated in one of the cars of the train.)
Mal: How long till we hit Paradiso?
Zoe: Another twenty minutes. We should be in the foothills in five.
Mal: Best get to work.
(They stand.)
Zoe: He's a psycho you know. Niska.
Mal: He's not the first psycho to hire us, nor the last. You think that's a commentary on us?
Zoe: I just have an image in my head of a guy hanging from the ceiling.
Mal: I've got an image of it not being me. Let's do the thing.
(3rd TRAIN CAR)
(Zoe and Mal enter only to find that the car is jam packed with Alliance soldiers.)
Mal: Hi.
(SERENITY – GALLEY)
(Book is sitting at the table reading his bible as Inara enters. She goes over to the kitchen and begins to make some tea.)
Inara: Shepherd.
Book: Good day. So, how do you think it's going?
Inara: The caper? Mal knows what he's doing.
Book: How long have you known him?
Inara: I've been on this ship eight months now. I'm not sure I'll ever actually know the Captain.
Book: I'm surprised a respectable Companion would sail with this crew.
Inara: It's not always this sort of work. They take the jobs they can get, even legitimate ones. The further you get away from the Central Planets, the harder things are, so this is part of it.
Book: I wish I could help. (off Inara's look) I mean, I don't wanna..not help help, not with the thieving, but... I do feel awfully useless.
Inara: You could always pray they make it back safely.
Book: I don't think the Captain would much like me praying for him.
Inara: Don't tell him. (She pours water into a teakettle) I never do.
(TRAIN – 3rd CAR)
(As Mal and Zoe quickly try to figure out what to do, a woman and her 2 children enter from another car. They walk through the soldiers and into the car that Mal and Zoe just exited. Figuring they’re okay, Mal and Zoe head to the 3rd car.)
(4th TRAIN CAR)
(Mal and Zoe walk through the car. It’s filled with several families, and they don’t look very healthy.)
Zoe: (urgently) Sir, is there some information we might maybe be lacking as to why there's an entire fedsquad sitting on this train?
Mal: Doesn't concern us.
Zoe: It kinda concerns me.
Mal: I mean they're not protecting the goods. If they were, they wouldn't be letting people past 'em.
Zoe: You don't think that changes the situation a bit?
Mal: I surely do. Makes it more fun.
Zoe: Sir? I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
Mal: Come on. We stick to the plan. We get the goods, we're back on Serenity before the train even reaches Paradiso, only now we do it under the noses of twenty trained Alliance Feds. And that makes 'em look all manner of stupid. Hell, this job I would pull for free.
Zoe: (amused) Can I have your share?
Mal: No.
Zoe: If you die, can I have your share?
Mal: Yes.
(SERENITY - CARGO BAY)
Simon: Hey.
Kaylee: Oh! Hey, Doctor.
Simon: You really should just call me Simon.
Kaylee: Oh, I'll do that, then.
Simon: So, what are we doing?
Kaylee: Oh! Crime.
Simon: Crime? Good. Okay, crime.
Kaylee: It's a train heist. See, we fly over the train car. The Captain and Zoe sneak in, we lower Jayne onto the car, and they bundle up the booty, and we haul 'em all back up. Easy as lyin'.
Simon: They've done this before?
Kaylee: (laughing) Hell no. But I think it's gonna work. The Captain's (in Chinese) an absolute genius (in English) when it comes to plans.
Simon: Uh, well, uh... Is there anything I can... something I should be doing?
Jayne: (walks up) Stayin' the hell outta everyone's way.
Kaylee: There's no call to be snappy, Jayne.
Jayne: You about to jump on a movin' train? Captain ain't around. I'm in charge.
Kaylee: Since when?
Jayne: And just cause Mal say's you're Medic, don't make you part of the crew. (Pan up to River sitting on the catwalk, watching them.) You just, play at figurin' what's wrong with that moonbrained sister of yours till we call for ya. (in Chinese) Understand?
Simon: Right.
(Simon walks off. A rope lowers and Kaylee and Jayne prepare to attach Jayne to it.)
Kaylee: You shouldn't be so rude to him.
Jayne: Why? Cause he's all rich and fancible?
Kaylee: He's not rich. The Alliance crashed his accounts when he snuck out his sister.
Jayne: Well, we could all be rich if we handed her back.
Kaylee: You're not even thinking that.
Jayne: Mal is.
Kaylee: That's not funny.
(On the catwalk River is still watching them.)
Jayne: (os) He ain't stupid. Why would he bring on trouble like those two if there weren't no profit in it? (camera moves back to Kaylee, locking the rope on Jayne) Captain's got a move he ain't made yet, you'll see. (He pulls on a ridiculous hat with floppy ear covers and a chin strap.) Time for some thrilling heroics.
(TRAIN – 5th CAR)
(Mal is swiping a card in a reader.)
Mal: Niska's sources better be good.
(The card works. The door slides open.)
Zoe: Shiny.
(3rd TRAIN CAR)
(A soldier stands up, and walks back towards the car where Mal and Zoe are.)
(5th TRAIN CAR)
(Mal pulls a box to the middle of the car, stands on it, and starts unscrewing a roof panel.)
Mal: Find the cargo.
(Zoe pulls a sheet off of two black boxes with red labels.)
Zoe: All hail the great Alliance.
(EXTERIOR TRAIN)
(Serenity is moving over the train, approaching from the rear.)
(SERENITY-CARGO BAY)
(A hatch opens. Jayne pulls on goggles.)
(BRIDGE)
(Wash is flying.)
(CARGO BAY)
(Jayne drops through the hatch.)
(EXTERIOR TRAIN)
(Jayne lands on the train with a grunt.)
(5th CAR)
(Mal pulls off the panel, leaving an opening for Jayne.)
(4th CAR)
(The soldier cocks his gun.)
(5th CAR)
(Jayne drops through the hole. Mal pats him on the back. They attach the cargo to the rope bucket thing.)
Mal: (into com) Fifteen seconds.
(SERENITY-CARGO BAY)
(Kaylee waits.)
(BRIDGE)
(Wash is still flying very carefully.)
(TRAIN – 5th CAR)
(The soldier enters. The smoke trap they've set up goes off. The soldier starts shooting and Jayne’s leg takes a hit.)
Zoe: (to Jayne) Gorram!
Jayne: (into com) GO! Go now!
(SERENITY-CARGO BAY)
(Kaylee starts pulling him up w/ the stuff.)
(TRAIN – 5th CAR)
(A fight ensues. The soldier gets knocked out.)
Mal: (to Zoe) Come on!
(They start running through the cars.)
(SERENITY – BRIDGE)
(Wash continues to fly.)
(CARGO BAY)
(Jayne collapses as the stuff is lowered.)
Kaylee: Where are the others?
Jayne: Ah! They shot my gorram leg.
Kaylee: Jayne, are they still on the train? Are they gonna be okay?
(EXTERIOR TRAIN)
(The train has stopped.)
Voice: Everybody off. Everybody in there okay?
(PARADISO)
(It's a small, ragged town. Very dusty and Westerny. Mal and Zoe are standing with their backs to an Alliance soldier and the Sherriff.)
Soldier: Our man didn't get a look.
Sheriff: Well, Jesus, can somebody find out what they took? (to someone in the crowd) Handy! Keep those people together.
(His Deputy wanders up.)
Deputy: It's the medicine, sir. All of the supplies.
Sheriff: They stole the gorram medicine? (Zoe and Mal look grim.) We've been waitin'... All of it?
Deputy: Every ounce.
(Camera pans over sad, tearful townspeople.)
Sheriff: (sighing) God help us.
Mal: Son of a bitch.
(ALLIANCE SHIP)
(An Alliance officer is walking into a station. There's an alert. The officer turns to an ensign and starts talking.)
Officer: What's the fuss?
Ensign: All network alert. Cargo theft. Medical shipment lifted off a train in the Georgia System en route to Paradiso.
Officer: (looking at the alert screen) Six crates of Pasceline D. Right. That'll get you a tidy fortune on the black market. (dismissive) Tag it received, bounce it back. Locals can deal with it.
Ensign: Sir, there is a regiment holding in Paradiso. They were on the train, headed for the installation.
Officer: Then get them back on the train and get it moving. Who's holding them there?
Ensign: The Sheriff requested we deploy a few to help them investigate...
Officer: (impatient) These are federal marshals, not local narcotic hounds. They've got better things to do, so do we. (leaves)
(SERENITY – INFIRMARY)
(Jayne is on the table as Simon works on his leg.)
Jayne: Gorram it, let's get us moving.
Simon: Now, I'm not, I'm not finished.
Jayne: (not caring) Why are you parked here? This ain't the (in Chinese) dog humping (in English) rendezvous spot.
Wash: It is now.
Jayne: That's cause people are waitin', they ain't partial to waitin'.
Wash: (sarcastic and firm) Let 'em read a magazine. We don't make the sale until Mal and Zoe are back on the boat.
Jayne: These are stone killers, little man. They ain't cuddly like me.
Wash: I'm not flying anywhere without my wife.
Kaylee: (nervously) She'll be okay. She's with the Captain.
Jayne: (standing) There, you see? Everybody wins. (He tries putting his leg down and screams in pain. Book is just watching the action.) Doc, I need a pop to quiet this pain some.
Simon: (goes to get some medication) All right, but what about the authorities? I mean, we're sitting here with stolen Alliance goods. Won't they be looking for us?
Wash: They buzz this canyon, we'll hear them long before they ever see us. I figure we're good for...
River: (interrupting) Won't stop. Won't ever stop. They'll just keep coming until they get back what you took. Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of blue.
Jayne: (to River) How's about you shut that crazy mouth? Is that a fun game? (to everyone) Now I'm in ruttin' charge here, and I'm tellin' you how it works. We don't get the goods to Niska on time, he'll make meat pies out of the lot of us. And I ain't walkin' into that.
Book: Is this Adelai Niska you're talking about?
(Simon injects Jayne with a pain shot.)
Jayne: Now how would a Shepherd know a name like that?
Book: As I've heard it, he made a deal with the Captain. If the Captain's not there to finish it, if Niska finds out he's being held, and may speak as to who hired him--I think we're better off being a little late.
(PARADISO - HOLDING AREA)
(Zoe and Mal are sitting next to each other. There are a lot of people around, and many of them look sickly. Most of them are passengers from the train.)
Mal: This is a nightmare.
Zoe: Nothing points to us yet, sir.
Mal: That ain't what I'm talking about. (Long shot of poor, coughing, sick, poor people.) Whatever happens, remember I love you.
Zoe: (confused) Sir?
Mal: (with a plan) Because you're my wife.
Zoe: Right. Sir. Honey.
(The sheriff walks up, paperwork in hands.)
Sheriff: Car 3, Row 12, Mr. and Mrs. Ring?
Mal: Can you tell us what's going on? We've been here for so long. Did someone on the train get killed?
Sheriff: No, no, no. Nothing like that. Ah, says there your fare's paid for by a third party?
(He moves towards his desk, Mal and Zoe follow.)
Mal: My uncle. It was a wedding gift.
Sheriff: Wedding gift? (He motions for them to sit. They do.) Spending your honeymoon in Paradiso?
Zoe: Actually, we're here lookin' for work.
Sheriff: That right?
Mal: My uncle said he knew a Joey Bloggs out here, said he might have an opening. Thought we'd try our luck.
Sheriff: You a miner by trade? Either of you?
Mal: Not really.
Sheriff: Hmm. You don't see many choose this life weren't born to it.
Zoe: Well, work is real scarce for a couple just starting out.
Mal: How come there's so many sick here?
Sheriff: Bowden's Malady. Know what that is?
Zoe: Affliction of the bone and muscle. Degenerative.
Sheriff: Very. Every planet that's been terraformed for human life has its own little quirks. Turns out the, uh, air down underground, mixed up with the ore processors is a recipe for Bowden's. Everybody gets it. Miners, dumpers. Hell, I got it, I ain't never set foot in a mine.
Zoe: But it's treatable?
Sheriff: There's medicine. Pasceline. Means you can live like a person, you get it regular. But our shipment got stole, right off the train you was riding in. Which is why you won't be seeing a parade in town today.
Mal: Stolen? Well, didn't I see a whole regiment of fine young Alliance Federals on the train?
Sheriff: You did. Same regiment let our medicine get swiped right under their noses, then took off for their own camp without so much as a whoopsy daisy.
Mal: That sounds like the Alliance. Unite all the planets under one rule so that everybody can be interfered with or ignored equally.
(The Sheriff gets up, gets a cup of coffee, and sits on his desk.)
Sheriff: Alliance ain't much use to us out here on the border planets. But... they ain't the ones that stole the medicine. I ever find those people, they ain't ever going to see the inside of a jail. I'm just gonna toss 'em in a mine, let 'em breathe deep for the rest of their lives.
Mal: Can't argue with that.
Sheriff: Ah. You mind telling me when it was you last spoke to Joey Bloggs?
Mal: Never did myself.
Sheriff: Right. Your uncle. It was indicated to you that, uh, Joey had an opening?
Mal: Any job would do.
Sheriff: It's funny your uncle never went to mentioning the Bowden's problem. Or that Joey Bloggs ate his own gun, about eight months back.
Mal: Did he?
Sheriff: Yep. Blew the back of his head right off.
Mal: (beat) So... would his job be open?
(SERENITY – BRIDGE)
(Wash and Kaylee are there. Jayne comes limping up the stairs followed by Simon.)
Jayne: That's it! We've waited long enough. Let's get this bird in the air.
Wash: No rutting way
Simon: (to Jayne) You really should sit down.
Kaylee: You can't just leave the Captain and Zoe here.
Jayne: They ain't comin', we can't walk in there and get 'em, so they're done. Now let's fire it up.
(Inara and Book walk in.)
Inara: What's going on?
Jayne: Strap in, we're takin' off.
Wash: We're NOT.
Jayne: Captain'd do the same if it was one of us.
Kaylee: Not in a million years!
Jayne: Shove it.
Wash: Listen to me!
Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command here. Now we're finishing this deal, and then maybe maybe we'll come back for those morons who got themselves caught. (starts breathing heavily) You can't change that by getting all... (voice slows) ...bendy.
Wash: (not understanding the bendy thing) All what?
Jayne: (drugged) You've got the light.. from the console.. keep you, lift you up. They shine like... (tries to catch the light in his hands) ...little angels...
(He passes out with a thud. The rest of them just stare.)
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.
Kaylee: (amazed) You doped him.
Simon: It was supposed to kick in a good deal sooner. I, I just didn't feel comfortable with him in charge. I hope... hope that's all right.
(They all look at each other. Yeah, it’s all right.)
Book: So. How do we get the others?
Wash: Jayne was right about them not making contact. Chances are, they got pinched getting off that train.
Kaylee: We can't just waltz in and pull them out.
Book: Someone respectable enough might be able to.
(PARADISO - HOLDING AREA)
(Inara, looking regal as usual, walks towards Mal and Zoe.)
Mal: What the hell?
(Inara slaps him.)
Inara: Don't you dare speak to me. (to Sheriff) Sheriff, I want this man bound by law at once. That's assuming he hasn't been already?
Sheriff: No one's been bound, not yet.
Inara: Thank God you stopped them. (to Mal) Did you honestly think you could access my accounts and I wouldn't find you? And Zoe, what would your husband say if he knew you were here?
Zoe: I... I was weak.
Sheriff: So I take it they ain't newlyweds?
Inara: Hardly. Malcolm's my indentured man, with three years left on his debt. I imagine we'll have to add another six months after this little adventure.
Sheriff: (re: on-looking men gawking at Inara) You'll have to pardon them. Don't think a one of 'em's ever seen a registered Companion before.
Inara: I apologize for my manner.
Sheriff: Oh, not a bit.
Inara: Should I contact my ship? Do you need to hold them very much longer?
Sheriff: Looks to me like we're about done here. I, uh. We had some unrelated trouble. His story had kind of an odor to it.
Inara: Yes, it's not the only thing about him that does. Thank you, very much Sheriff. (to Mal and Zoe) Come along.
Sheriff: (to Deputy) That's one hell of a lady. Her files were all in order?
Deputy: I ran 'em twice.
Sheriff: Hmm. Let's get started with the rest, then.
(SERENITY - CARGO BAY)
(Inara steps out of her shuttle.)
Kaylee: Hey. How'd it go?
Mal: She hit me.
(Wash and Zoe hug. Jayne is sprawled unconscious on the catwalk.)
Kaylee: (re: Jayne) We tried to get him into the infirmary, he's just heavy.
Wash: Captain, I've got the engine running, we're good to go.
Mal: We're not going.
Wash: Not? What? Not why?
Zoe: We're bringin' the cargo back.
Jayne: (semi-conscious, slurring) Wha? Whadda mean back? I waited for you guys!
Wash: What are you talking about? What about Niska? Won't this put him in more or less a killing mood?
(Mal and Zoe grab the cargo.)
Mal: There's others need this more.
Zoe: Let's get it on the mule.
Inara: My shuttle's faster.
Mal: You already risked enough flying in there once. And... I don't wanna get slapped around no more. Far as Niska goes, we'll just have to explain to him the job went south when we return the money.
Wash: You wanna explain, now's your chance.
(They look to the dock and see some of Niska’s men, led by Crow.)
Crow: You didn't make the rendezvous.
Mal: Ran into a few complications.
Crow: You were thinking of taking Mr. Niska's money and his property, maybe.
Mal: Ah, interestingly, neither.
Crow: I don't understand.
Mal: Yeah, look. Here's what it is. Deal's off. (beat, Crow still doesn't get it) We changed our minds.
Crow: (exasperated) You entered into an arrangement with Mr. Niska. There is no mind changing.
Mal: (nervous laugh) I'm afraid that's where you're wrong. We just... we can't take this job, so you just relax. We'll get you all the money Niska gave us up front, you return it to him, and we'll call it even.
Crow: (shakes head) There is no even.
Mal: Is that right?
(Crow throws his knife and it hits Mal in the shoulder. Guns get drawn. Zoe’s included. Everybody fires, people fall (the bad guys.) Crow starts punching Mal. Wash uses the mule to drive over some guys. Mal is on the ground, about to get speared by Crow when another shot rings out and Crow is kneecapped.)
Mal: Nice shot.
(Camera pans up to Jayne, smoking gun in hand.)
Jayne: (slurred) I was aiming for his head.
(PARADISO – NIGHT)
(Mal and Zoe are using the mule to drive the cargo back to town.)
Mal: We'll have to drag 'em from here. Leave 'em just off the street. We'll notify the Sheriff when we're in deep, deep space.
Sheriff: Why not tell him in person? (We then see the Sheriff and his men coming over a ridge. Mal looks shocked, and Zoe looks resigned.) Got word of a ship not far out, came lookin'. Didn't expect to find you comin' back.
(It's clear now that the Sheriff and his men are armed and prepared to use those arms if need be.)
Mal: Didn't expect to be comin'.
Deputy: (checks the cargo) Nothin' missing.
(The Sheriff looks at Mal and smiles.)
Sheriff: You were truthful back in town. These are tough times. If a man can get a job, he might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all the details of a situation like ours, well, then he has a choice.
Mal: (looking stone-cold serious) I don't believe he does.
(A look of understanding passes between them.)
Sheriff: (to crew) Get these crates back to town. Make yourselves useful.
(SERENITY – NIGHT)
(Mal stands just outside the docking bay with Crow, who is on his knees with his hands tied behind his back.)
Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You bring it back to him, tell him the job didn't work out. (Crow spits) We're not thieves--but we are thieves. Point is we're not takin' what's his. Now we'll stay out of his way the best we can from here on in. You explain that that's best for everyone, okay?
Crow: (stands) Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.
Mal: Darn. (He kicks Crow into the engine intakes. Horrible crunching sounds happen. A second one of Niska's henchmen is brought bound before him.) Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance...
Henchman: Oh, I'm good. I speak for everyone. I'm right there with you.
(INFIRMARY)
(Simon is stitching up Mal’s shoulder.)
Simon: You should have let me do this sooner.
Mal: I have had plenty worse it's just…OUCH!
Simon: Sorry.
Mal: Just be careful. Pretty fast thinkin', doping up Jayne. Can't say you've made a lifetime friend.
Simon: I'll deal with him.
Mal: Yeah, I'm not too worried about you. (beat) How's your sister?
Simon: The same. One moment she seems perfectly cogent, the next...
(The camera moves to the outside of the infirmary and pans right.)
(HALL)
Simon: (os)...she speaks nonsense, like a child. So difficult to diagnose. And I still don't know what the government was trying to do with her, so I have no idea if they succeeded.
(RIVER’s ROOM)
(Simon’s voice fades out as River's grows louder. The camera moves in on her. She's curled in a corner, chanting.)
River: Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of blue...
(ALLIANCE SHIP)
(The officer from earlier walks into a room. There are two men in suits there.)
Officer: Sorry to keep you waiting. There's always one crisis...
(He's interrupted by the MAN.)
Man: We're not interested. We're here about a theft.
Officer: The medicine, on that planet. Word came up that was returned.
2nd Man: We didn't fly 86 million miles to track down a box of band-aids, Colonel.
Man: We're looking for a girl. (The man slides a picture of River across the desk. We see that his hands are encased in tight blue gloves.) This girl.
(As the camera pans out, we see that 2nd Man is also wearing blue gloves.)
BLACK OUT.