The Regulator
(1500 kilometers south of Madagascar)
(seaQuest DSV, D-Deck)
Ford: Must be a hundred degrees in here. (looks at computer) Hundred and two.
Hitchcock: Who designed this thing?
Bridger: I did, Commander. This originally was going to be the sauna.
Hitchcock: Yes, sir. Pull. (with help pulls down pipe, looks inside, pulls out chip) It's toast. I used the last stock on B-deck two weeks ago. It's been back ordered on the ship for months now, Captain.
Bridger: It's a fifty cent item, and we don't have it in stock?
Ford: Well that's about right, sir.
Bridger: How many crew members bunk on this deck?
Ford: (shrugs) Thirty.
Bridger: Shut it down. They'll have to double bunk.
(A-Deck - Hallway)
Crocker: (group shuffles out of Mag-lev) Woah, hold it. (pushes his way to the front) Ten hut. Now you were military trained and by golly you're going to behave that way. I want a column of two's. Paktan.
Paktan: Sir.
Crocker: Hernandez, up front.
Hernandez: Yes, sir.
Crocker: Forward, hut. (all walk off)
(A-Deck, Hallway, later)
Crocker: Andriadous, Grayson, (knocks on door) You're in with O'Neill.
O'Neill: (opens door) Hi, guys, make yourself at home.
Crocker: (crosses hall, knocks on door) Loeb, Crenshaw, step up.
Krieg: (opens door) Uh, Chief, my quarters are exempt from the bunk crisis. As supply officer, I've got valuable provisions in here I'm responsible for.
Crocker: Wouldn't happen to have a thermal chip in there, would you?
Krieg: Back ordered for months. That's a gaffe at UEO.
Crocker: Uh huh. Loeb, Crenshaw.
Krieg: I am personally responsible for these supplies.
Crocker: Are you suggesting, Ben, that Loeb and Crenshaw here can't be trusted?
Krieg: I am saying that my quarters are part of the supply system, and as such require security considerations.
Crocker: You're absolutely right. Mars, Olden, step forward. These are my two top security men, Ben. You supplies have never been safer. Loeb, Crenshaw, this way. (walks off, Mars and Olden enter room)
Krieg: Great, just great.
(Krieg's Room)
(Olden is humming. Mars is doing push-ups. Krieg sits up in bed.)
Krieg: Does it mean anything to you guys that I'm trying to sleep? I mean, if nothing else, you've got to recognize the fact that I'm the superior officer in this room.
Mars: You made me lose count, sir.
Krieg: Fine, sorry, return to, uh, whatever you were doing there, sailor. (gets up, digs out book)
(Ward Room)
Computer: Is the unit required for your equipment currently in supply? If not, have the proper requisition forms encoded and filed with our central processing center. While waiting for a United Earth/Oceans Organization acquisitions representative…
Bridger: (knock on door) Come in.
Krieg: Captain, could I have a minute of your time?
Bridger: Come in, Lieutenant, sit sown, this concerns you. I'm on hold with UEO acquisitions.
Krieg: (sitting down) Oh, why didn't you call me?
Bridger: Easy, easy. A lot of us took in bunk mates last night and a lot of us are tired. I let you sleep.
Krieg: Thanks. Who's bunking with you?
Bridger: Lucas.
Krieg: Oh, that's nice, little father/son thing going on there.
Bridger: Beats Olden and Mars.
Nyeir: (on screen) Hello.
Bridger: Hello, my name is Nathan Bridger, I'm Captain of the seaQuest.
Nyeir: (on screen) Mr. Nyeir, UEO acquisitions appropriation. What do you need?
Bridger: Mr. Nyeir, I can't see your face.
Nyeir: (on screen, leans down) This is my face. Now forgive me for not leaving it here. I cannot sit all day like this and I cannot get them to adjust my vid-com. (leans back up) What do you want?
Bridger: We've run out of thermal chips.
Nyeir: (on screen) Unit number?
Krieg: Um, TC154L58.
Nyeir: (on screen) Where are your dashes?
Krieg: (annoyed) TC dash 154 dash L dash 58.
Nyeir: (on screen) Authorization code?
Krieg: UEOS - (Nyeir clears his throat) excuse me, UEO dash SQ dash one.
Nyeir: (on screen) Your order is being processed.
Krieg: This order is two months old. How long do we have to wait?
Nyeir: (on screen) I only confirm orders, not fulfill them.
Krieg: (angrily) No, you don't do anything…
Bridger: Wait, wait, wait, we need this immediately.
Nyeir: (on screen) I only confirm orders, I do not fulfill them.
Bridger: Who fulfills them?
Nyeir: (on screen) Fulfillment.
Bridger: Can you transfer me please?
Nyeir: (on screen) I cannot transfer. Call back.
Bridger: I've been on hold for half an hour.
Nyeir: (on screen) Procedure.
Bridger: I've got a serious problem here.
Nyeir: (on screen) Everyone I talk to has problems. Call fulfillment.
Bridger: Wait a minute. Transfer me to your supervisor please. (screen changes) Are they always this rude?
Krieg: Generally.
Charles Butch: (on screen) This is supervisor Charles Butch. You got a problem, Cap?
Bridger: Yes, we need a unit that's essential to our boat's life support system.
Butch: (on screen) You're talking air conditioning. I don't consider that essential.
Bridger: Some of the sleeping quarters are over a hundred degrees.
Butch: (on screen) The units will be there inside of three weeks. Your guys can't take the heat, let 'em sleep on deck.
Bridger: We're on a submarine.
Butch: (on screen) Well maybe there's a lesson in there for you. Ya all have a good day. (screen goes blank)
Bridger: If I wanted a nuclear warhead I'd have it within an hour. It's gonna be a rough three weeks.
Krieg: Well, I might be able to remedy that for you, sir.
Bridger: Really? How?
Krieg: You don't wanna know.
Bridger: Lieutenant.
Krieg: Well there are salvage operators I can call.
Bridger: Which one?
Krieg: I exhausted every possible means before calling this person…
Bridger: A name Lieutenant, please.
Krieg: The Regulator.
Bridger: The man's a thief.
Krieg: There's no proof.
Bridger: A thief. Boat's disappear, years later he's selling off their spare parts.
Krieg: He could've found them.
Bridger: He finds them before they sink. A thief.
(He leaves, crosses the hall and opens door to own cabin. He sees Lucas headbanging to hard rock and turns back to Krieg)
Bridger: Lieutenant, you're right. I don't wanna know anything about it. (walks off)
Lucas: (exiting Bridger's room) Well? (Krieg makes OK sign)
(Regulator's Lair)
Regulator: You cheated me.
Guy: We had a deal.
Regulator: I ask for the forefront of technology and you bring me the rear end of software. You're standing in the way of progress.
Guy: It's research software, it's all classified. I risked my neck. Get your hands off me.
Regulator: It's worthless to me.
Guy: It's exactly what we agreed on.
Regulator: Exactly? What do you know about exactly?
Guy: You still owe me the money.
Regulator: You've gotten all you're going to get.
Guy: There are people above me.
Regulator: Yes, and I'm one of them. (guy screams) You cheated me.
Guy: No.
Regulator: (angrily) You cheated me.
Guy: No.
Regulator: (angrily) You cheated me.
Guy: Nooo. (lands in water)
Regulator: Dive back to your boat you bottom feeder. (guy swims away, vid-link rings) Oh, I'll get that, Verne. (Verne is an orangutan.) Why do I have to deal with the twenty-first century equivalent of the flat earth society? (puts Verne in chair) Sit there and act tough. (pushes button)
(seaQuest DSV, Ward Room)
Regulator: (off screen) What do you want?
Krieg: (talking with Lucas, stops, looks at screen) I'm Lieutenant Ben Krieg, United Earth/Oceans Organization, we're aboard…
Regulator: (off screen) Krieg, you buying, selling, or gone? Speak to me.
Krieg: Buying. TC154L58, thermal chip. We need it immediately.
Regulator: (off screen) Position?
Krieg: (looks at computer in Lucas's hand) Forty degrees ten minutes east, thirty-one degrees six minutes south.
Regulator: (off screen) Five hundred UEO credits.
Krieg: (surprised) Five hundred!
Regulator: (off screen) Tank of nitro and two hundred pounds of bananas. We done?
Krieg: Five hundred, just like…w-w-wait, wait. All right, OK, five hundred. But I don't know if I can get my hands on two hundred pounds of bananas.
Regulator: (off screen) Give me what you've got. We done?
Krieg: We're done.
Krieg: Yeah, yeah I know, blood.
(Launch Bay)
Dispatcher: Regulator One, engage magnetic guidance.
Krieg: We ready with the nitro?
Dispatcher: Soon as he's docked.
Krieg: (jumps down to door, pulls out and counts credits) What?
Crocker: Wound up a little tight there, aren't you, Ben?
Hitchcock: How many times you gonna count that?
Krieg: This is not a man you want to short change. Do you know this guy's reputation?
Crocker: He puts his pants on just like the rest of us Lieutenant.
Krieg: Well you haven't seen his pants, have you?
Crocker: (door opens, Regulator steps out) Fuel him up, on the double.
Seaman: Right sir.
Krieg: Welcome aboard this sh- seaQuest, uh, uh, five hundred UEO credits. (Regulator takes envelope from Krieg) And, uh, one hundred thirty eight pounds of bananas. That's every banana we have on board. This is Security Chief Crocker.
Regulator: Uh huh.
Krieg: And Lieutenant Commander Hitchcock. (Regulator nods at Hitchcock) This is the Regulator.
Hitchcock: Nice to meet you. (holds out hand)
Regulator: (shakes Hitchcock's hand) My pleasure, Commander.
Krieg: Yes, well, and the thermal chip?
Regulator: (holds out chip, pulls it back) I'd, uh, I'd like to see your boat.
Crocker: (gruffly) I'm sorry, partner, we've got a lot of highly classified material on board here.
Regulator: And no air conditioning.
Crocker: And no one available to conduct tours.
Regulator: Do I look like a tourist?
Crocker: Oh, no, I wouldn't say that. That'd be an insult to tourism, wouldn't it?
Regulator: Oh, come on, Crocker, isn't there room on this ship for just a little bit of kindness?
Crocker: It's Chief Crocker, (looks Regulator up and down) and you don't appear to have dressed aboard the good ship Lollipop. Load up his bananas. (Verne runs off) Hey! Hold it right there. (follows Verne)
(Hallway)
Crocker: (chasing Verne) Halt! You ever think about keeping this thing on a leash? (into PAL) Security.
Krieg: What are you doing? Bridger knows this guy's on board, he'll go nuts.
Crocker: (sees Verne) There. (points)
Regulator: Verne. (all run after Verne)
Crocker: Great supply contact, Ben.
Krieg: How did I know he'd bring his monkey?
Regulator: Verne, Verne. (comes down stairs with others following, runs into Filie)
Crocker: Ensign Filie, have you seen anything … unusual?
Filie: (staring at Regulator) Is that a trick question, Chief?
Crocker: Never mind, I'm sorry to bother you. Go about your duties. (Filie walks away) He obviously didn't come down this corridor or Filie would have seen him. Let's try down here. (walks off with others, Verne drops down, goes other way)
(Sea Deck)
Lucas: (holds up card) Ape.
Darwin: Ape.
Lucas: (holds up card) Boat.
Darwin: Boat.
Lucas: (holds up card) Man.
Darwin: Man.
Lucas: Very good. (holds up card) Dolphin.
Darwin: Darwin.
Lucas: No, dolphin. (waits, no response) I can't believe we've got to reprogram an entire language base.
Westphalen: Just be patient.
Lucas: He's teasing me. Darwin, it's not you, it's the computer, the heat fried it. We've got to establish a language base.
Darwin: No.
Lucas: Yes.
Westphalen: Man.
Darwin: Man.
Westphalen: Man, Lucas; Lucas man. Man.
Darwin: Lucas man.
Westphalen: Darwin, dolphin.
Darwin: Darwin dolphin.
Westphalen: That's it.
Darwin: Darwin is dolphin, (Regulator enters) Lucas is man.
Lucas: That's right. (with Darwin and Westphalen) Darwin is dolphin, Lucas is man.
Westphalen: (sees Regulator and turns off the vo-chorder) Excuse me, you shouldn't be here.
Regulator: That dolphin talked.
Westphalen: Who are you?
Lucas: (to self) Very cool.
Westphalen: What you just saw is a classified experiment. You will respect that and keep it to yourself.
(Regulator nods)
Lucas: (comes over) I'm Lucas … Wolenczak. (holds out hand)
Regulator: (takes Lucas's hand) So it is, pioneer, the Regulator. You shouldn't hold creatures against their will.
Crocker: Look who's talking.
Lucas: He's free, he, uh, goes out to feed.
Westphalen: Lucas.
Regulator: You're on the edge of the future, Lucas, don't let these uniforms stand in your way.
Hitchcock: Excuse me, we've got some unfinished business to take care of.
(leaves with Krieg, Crocker, and Regulator)
Lucas: Absolutely superb.
Westphalen: (disgusted) Naturally.
(Hallway, Near Bridge)
Bridger: (exits Mag-lev, passes Verne, who enters Mag-lev) Excuse me. (door closes, Bridger pushes button on comlink) Crocker.
(Another Hallway)
Bridger: (on PAL) There's a monkey in the Mag-lev.
Crocker: (into PAL) Port or starboard, sir?
Bridger: (in hall outside bridge) Starboard.
Crocker: (into PAL) We're on our way.
(Sea Deck)
(Verne exits Mag-lev, walks over to moon pool)
Lucas: (holding up card) Boat.
Darwin: Boat.
Lucas: (holds up card) Lion.
Darwin: Lion. Ape.
Lucas: No, this is a cow.
Darwin: Ape, ape, ape, (Lucas sees Verne) ape, ape. (Lucas falls off chair)
Westphalen: (into comlink) Security to sea deck. (guys run over) Don't move.
(Crocker and group enters)
Regulator: (picks up Verne, holds up voltage disc) Back off.
Crocker: (calmly) Put down the voltage disc.
Regulator: They leave first. (Bridger enters, Crocker shakes head) Hello, Bridger.
Bridger: Hello, Leslie. What are you doing on my boat?
Regulator: Air conditioning repair. I've, uh, I've come to hard times, nobody wants second hand anymore.
Bridger: You can go back to work. (security leaves) Thermal chip. (takes chip, hands it to Krieg) I thought that was you, Verne. You know, continued association with this character is a bad reflection on you. What else have you got? (Regulator pulls out PAL)
Hitchcock: (sheepishly) I'm sorry, sir. (takes PAL from Bridger's hand)
Bridger: Chief, if we've settled up with Mr. Ferina, please escort him to his vessel. And make sure that he leaves. So long, Verne. (leaves)
Crocker: OK, you and your monkey, this way.
Regulator: He is not a monkey, he is an orangutan.
Crocker: This way.
Darwin: Ape. (all leave)
(Launch Bay)
Crocker: Regulator gets in his ship, doors close, Crocker reaches for gun) Son of a…He stole my weapon. Open the doors, don't let him go.
Dispatcher: He's separating now, I can't stop him.
Crocker: (to Mars) Get to a speeder as quick as you can. (to Olden) Notify the bridge, tell then we're in pursuit. Security, give me your weapon. (gets in speeder)
Olden: (into PAL) Crocker's in emergency pursuit of civilian vehicle. Will advise.
(Regulator's Launch)
Regulator: Hey, nice lift, Verne. Wonder what this does. (reads gun) Stun safety, that's a lot of bulk for a stun gun. Must be worth somethin' to somebody. (beeping) Ooh, we got company buddy, hang on.
(Sea Speeder)
Crocker: Go to starboard, cut off his path.
Mars: (in other speeder) He's pulling away.
Crocker: (into radio) Leslie, Leslie, turn back.
(Regulator's Launch)
Crocker: (on radio) Can you hear me, Leslie?
Regulator: Not any more, Crocker. (Crocker fires) Oh, nice guy.
(Sea Speeder)
Crocker: That's just a warning buster.
Bridger: (on radio) Crocker, what are you doing?
Crocker: Regulator stole my disrupter, sir.
Bridger: (on radio) Let him go.
Crocker: But, Cap, I…
Bridger: (on radio) You'll burn more fuel than the cost of replacing it. The price of doing business with this man.
Crocker: Cap, I, I…
Bridger: (on radio) Chief, come home.
Crocker: All right, sir. Disengage.
(seaQuest DSV, Hallway)
Krieg: (as Mars and Olden leave) Great havin' you guys, stop by any time. Thank you. (to Ford) Where are you going?
Ford: You're coming too. Captain Bridger wants to talk to you.
Krieg: Oh? About what?
(Bridger's Room)
Bridger: Got your room back, huh?
Lucas: Yeah. How'd you know that guy?
Bridger: Impressed by him, weren't you?
Lucas: Pretty outrageous.
Bridger: That's not always a good thing, Lucas.
Lucas: Maybe I should put on a jumpsuit and snap to every time you breathe.
Bridger: What did you say?
Lucas: I think I said, "Yes, sir."
Bridger: I think you better call up the professor. (knock on door, Bridger opens it) I thought you all might want to hear this.
(Hitchcock, Crocker, Krieg, and Ford enter, Bridger goes to close door, Westphalen runs up)
Westphalen: I'm curious too.
Bridger: (lets Westphalen in) Of course, please. (closes door, to Martinson) Biography, Leslie Ferina.
Professor Martinson: Leslie Ferina was born in New York City in 1975.
Bridger: After college.
Professor Martinson: In 1992 he received a Ph.D. in marine geophysics from the University of Rhode Island.
Lucas: Seventeen years old.
Professor Martinson: Correct, Mr. Wolenczak. He was a leading aquanaut of the nineties.
Bridger: Do we have any stored images?
Professor Martinson: Yes. Leslie Ferina studied experiments conducted at Duke University, where mammals took their first breaths directly from liquid, a saline solution saturated with oxygen. Duke developed the hemosponge, an artificial gill that extracts air from water. In 1999 Dr. Ferina was banned from the legitimate science community after trying to surgically adapt a miniature hemosponge to a mammal to advance his theory of spherical evolution. In 2002 (two thousand two) Dr. Ferina designed Aqua-Sphere 1, the first undersea colony, commonly called 'Trenchtown' due to its failure to attract
colonists. In 2003 his houseboat burned to the waterline. Subsequently, a suicide note was received by the New York Times.
Westphalen: Not what I'd expected.
Crocker: Not dead either.
Bridger: Might as well be. A genius who's every effort failed. And then he fakes a suicide to escape the ridicule of his peers.
Lucas: I can sympathize with that.
Westphalen: But you knew that he wasn't dead.
Bridger: Well I bumped into him about six years ago in a grocery store in Dominica. I was, uh, running away from my own demons at the time so I was a bit more tolerant. He'd developed this, uh, bizarre persona, didn't have a friend in the world, except for Verne.
Lucas: What's spherical evolution?
Bridger: He's searching for the center of the universe.
Lucas: (happily) That's spectacular.
Bridger: (disgusted) He'll pick your pocket to get it. Spherical evolution, this from one of the most promising scientists of his time.
Continued