A life from death

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox and the WB.  No copyright infringement is intended.

She sired me, not the other way around. Our former friends made the assumption that I turned her; in actuality, she was taken first. Her sire wanted to give her the opportunity to introduce to me in death the passion she denied both of us in life. I didn’t mind. She gave me the option of returning home, alive,
and I chose to stay with her. I knew then that I would rather die with her than live without her. I figured out that she gave my life meaning, so there was no reason to stay alive if she wasn’t with me.

Vampires aren’t supposed to feel love. Well, except for Angel, the pussy. Spike and Dru were rare. The love and devotion (well, devotion on Spike’s part) that they experienced are not common among vampires. Yet, she and I loved each other passionately, fiercely, and we had been inseparable since our deaths. The only thing I could figure is that our love transcended all time, so it should transcend even death. Vampires are notoriously passionate, but they are rarely capable of true love. She and I were deeply in love, and felt the need for affection, which surprised even us. We were grateful nonetheless that we were allowed to make up for the time we lost when we were alive. We’d spent the last two years together, sharing everything. Our kills, our grudges, our passion, our love. I’d never regretted it. One of the most especially satisfying moments of our new existence was when I drained his blood, knowing she was watching and enjoying it as much as!! I was.

I smiled evilly as I recalled Oz flailing around, pleading with Willow not to let me kill him, praying that some semblance of her feelings for him remained. She delighted in belittling the importance of those puny emotions; reveled in killing his heart before I murdered his body. My groin tightened as I remembered with sadistic pleasure how she took the initiative in seducing me before her former boyfriend’s dying eyes. We both got off on the suffering in his eyes, knowing it had nothing to do with his imminent death.

I was brought back to the present when I felt her feminine body sink down next to mine, teasingly pressing up against me. “Xander, you’re thinking about it again,” Willow breathed coyly, running her fingertips over my chest. I grabbed her hand and yanked her against my body, crushing her lips beneath mine. It was a brutal, vicious kiss that thrilled her just as much as the tender, passionate ones or the skillfully seductive ones did. “Oh, yes,” she moaned in a passion-laced voice. She moved quickly to straddle my hips, tangling her hands in my hair and angling her head down to mine, sucking my tongue into her mouth. I thoroughly enjoyed it when she initiated our sexual interludes, so I sat back and let her continue. It didn’t take long before we were both ready to explode, and we quickly shed our clothes, coming together with a fury. She snuggled up to me when we were done, trailing her fingers languidly all over my body. “Hungry now,” she purred contentedly. I laughed.

“Will, are you sure you’re really hungry? I think you’re just anxious for your usual post-sex kill,” I teased, a glint in my eye as I imagined the warm metallic liquid gushing down my throat. In sync as always, I watched Willow’s face shift into its true form as I felt my own do the same. 

"Come on, lover,” she commanded, lithely sliding off the bed. “Let’s go make the streets run with blood.”

It was two months later when it happened. Willow and I were just arriving home from a fresh kill that had served as a powerful aphrodisiac. Upon entering our apartment I tossed her down on the bed and began to shed my leather jacket. She was looking up at me lustfully, licking her lips in anticipation, when an odd look crossed her face. Then, for the first time in the two years since our deaths, I saw her do something human.

Willow threw up.

It was fascinating, watching her vomit up the coppery red life force she’d just drained from my old algebra teacher. Then I too felt an old human instinct kick in. I held Willow’s head as she retched, then cradled her to me, murmuring soothing words and rubbing her back, doing everything I could to comfort her. When she was more composed I pulled back from her.

She looked up at me; fear, rage, and uncertainty battled for control in her expressive green eyes. “Xander, what’s happening to me?” she cried, confused.

“I don’t know, Willow, but we’re going to find out,” I vowed.

“How?” she demanded, her eyes narrowed and glittering dangerously.

“Same way we solved problems when we were alive,” I shrugged. “We go to Giles.”

“He won’t help us!” she protested. “He’d rather kill us. It’s been two years-it’s not like he has any of those old warm, fuzzy feelings left.”

“We’ll promise not to kill him or Buffy or any of the new Slayerettes, if there are any,” I offered. “Besides, it’s Giles. He’ll be so excited for the chance to research something new and to ‘help us’ that he’ll risk it.” 

“I suppose,” she allowed reluctantly. She checked the clock. “Ten-thirty. Do you think he’s still at the library?”

“Can’t hurt to check. Let’s go.” I slung my arm around her shoulders, letting my hand rest possessively on her breast, and we left for our second venture of the night.

Not too much later, we quietly eased into the deserted school, slipping silently into the shadowed stacks. Giles was, predictably, ensconced in his books.

“Shouldn’t read so much, G-man. Bad for your health. You might work yourself into an early grave. . .” I trailed off suggestively, emerging from the darkened rows of books. I could see his back stiffen, could feel his heart quicken its beat. I smiled coldly, knowing he had recognized not only my voice, but my unique greeting for him. 

“Xander,” he said slowly.

“And he wins the prize! What do we have for the man, Willow?” I asked sardonically, descending the stairs. Again, I could sense the older man’s sorrow at the remembrance of his protégé’s evolution from Slayerette to that which she helped slay.

“Hmm, Xander, I do believe it’s the chance to escape a brutal, tormenting death,” Willow mocked. She floated down the steps behind me, molding her body to my back. I hissed, realizing for the first time that we’d never gotten around to our post-kill sex. “Let’s make this quick,” she urged, reading my thoughts.

“Fine.” I turned to Giles. “We’re having a slight problem, and we need your help,” I informed him. “In exchange, you get to live.”

“What sort of problem, exactly?” he inquired warily, curious in spite of himself.

“Well, see, ever since that little run-in with Spike two years ago, Willow and I have been vampires. Now, the thing is, vampires can’t do human things-“

“Except sex. Sex is good,” Willow piped up from behind me, making Giles blush. 

“Vampires can’t do human things,” I began again, “or feel human emotions. Yet, Willow and I have been experiencing them both lately. We want to know how that’s possible.”

“Well, I would be willing to help you,” Giles admitted slowly. I grinned triumphantly at Willow, but Giles wasn’t done. “If you vow not to harm me, Buffy, or anyone at all, even.”

“Wait a minute,” I protested. I glared at him. “You, yes. Buffy, sure. But no one at all? We have to kill. It’s how we survive.”

“Angel has an arrangement with the hospital. I’ll get him to let you two in on it,” Giles promised. “But in order for me to help you figure out what’s wrong with you the two of you, I need your word that you won’t kill anyone.”

I glanced at Willow. This undertaking was more for her benefit than it was mine. She looked pained, but nodded affirmation. “I guess it seems we have no choice.”

“All right then. Would you care to sit down and we’ll discuss what has happened thus far?” He gestured towards the table that we had sat around so many times before. Willow and I sat down gingerly; me in my old chair and Willow in my lap. She toyed with some of my hair and lightly nipped at my neck. “Why doesn’t one of you start?” he prompted.

I looked to Willow. She pouted but started. “It’s happened a couple times, actually,” she admitted reluctantly. I stared hard at her. She’d never mentioned anything like that happening before. “I’ll get home after a particularly satisfying kill and all of a sudden my stomach will start to heave and I’ll be throwing up blood everywhere.”

“Odd. Anything else?” Giles asked, a frown on his face.

“Yeah. I’ve been hungry a lot lately, only, not for blood, but for human food. The other night I was craving pistachios like crazy,” she added. I felt a pang of longing when I remembered how pistachios had been our favorite snack as children. The jolt of memory and emotion confused and angered me. 

“Damn it, Giles, what is going on here?” I exploded, shoving Willow out of my lap so I could get up and pace. “Willow may have been experiencing all these human physiological failings, but I’ve been getting the emotional end of the mortal defects. I’ve been bombarded with all sorts of feelings that I can’t control
and don’t understand, and I despise not being in control!” I howled. My rage consumed me and my face slipped into its demon mask. Willow looked up at me, thrilled with the violent anger I was exuding.

Giles just sat back, calm as ever, and wiped his glasses on his shirt. “The answer may be simpler than either of you could imagine.” We looked at him curiously. “I suppose that the two of you never came across any mention of half-vampires?” he asked off-handedly. With a growing sense of alarm, I glanced at Willow, whose eyes displayed the same uneasy confusion.

“No, I never knew anything about half-vampires. I didn’t know such a thing existed,” I replied. My heart, if it had been beating in the first place, would have skipped one at the look in his eyes.

“Then I suppose it’s never occurred to you that you might be one,” he stated simply

What are you trying to say, Giles?” Willow asked dangerously, her eyes narrowed. She looked close to losing what little control she had of her killer instincts. Although I too would have liked to drain the blood from his body, I valued his knowledge far more than his death.

“Will, darling, I think we need to listen to what he has to say,” I interjected in a low tone. We stared at each other, silently communicating the way we had always been able to do.

“Fine,” she pouted. She glanced back to Giles. “Finish.”

Giles looked a little disturbed, not that I could blame him. It must have been extremely disconcerting sitting across from two remorseless killers who would have slit his throat in an instant, had he not been the possessor of some greatly-needed information.

“Well, there have been several recorded instances of vampires that retained some of their human qualities after their deaths. They were capable of all sorts of things. They could feel emotions, like guilt and fear and misery, and their bodies did things that only a live body could do. They could cry, real tears, not just blood; they could breathe and eat real food, and could even live for extended periods without blood. On more than one occasion, a female vampire that had thought herself incapable of bearing children found that she was pregnant.”

My head whipped around to stare in horror at Willow. It made sense. The vomiting, the craving for food that wasn’t blood. . . “Willow?” I breathed hoarsely.

“NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!” she screamed in rage. She launched herself from her chair and grabbed Giles by the neck. “Damn it, no! I am NOT pregnant!” she howled. I pulled her away from him and gathered her into my arms, where I felt her trembling from her fury.

“How can these things happen?” I seethed. “How, exactly, can someone become a ‘half-vampire’?“

“It’s quite simple, really, and I’m surprised I didn’t expect it earlier from the two of you,” he murmured, almost to himself. “You see, when a vampire takes a human life, it takes the soul away from that person. However, some people don’t have a complete soul; in some cases, another person has a part of their
soul. When two people are inextricably intertwined, they share their souls. When Spike took you, Xander, Willow still held on to a part of your soul, so Spike didn’t take it all away.”

“Damn, why do you people keep thinking Xander got taken first? Spike took me, and then I turned Xander,” Willow exploded huffily. Giles’ eyebrows raised in surprise, but he continued anyway.

“Fine, then, Willow, Xander still had part of your soul. You couldn’t be turned into a complete vampire, because part of your soul still existed, only in another body. And Xander, it was the same for you when Willow made you into a vampire. She still had part of it, the part that the vampire couldn’t take control
of, and so neither one of you is a full vampire because you each have a part of the other’s soul,” he finished in a great exhalation of words and breath.

“So how come we didn’t know this?” Willow questioned quietly. I could sense it, not so much feel it, but I knew she was regressing to the mousy computer hacker she had been in life. Her vampiric passion was slowly slipping to the back of her mind, allowing her human instincts to take over. What was stranger was
that I didn’t mind. I wanted to lose that part of myself as well. I held her hand comfortingly, in a supporting way, and she squeezed it as if to say that things would be okay for us.

“The power of suggestion, I would suspect,” Giles realized. He sighed. “Neither of you knew anything but that you were supposed to be vampires. You were dead, yet alive. You didn’t know that there was such a thing as half-vampires, so you didn’t know that there was anything you could do about controlling your vampiric urges. I’m assuming that you’ve had time to let your guard down and that is why your human qualities are presenting themselves now. I would guess, Willow, that you are pregnant and have been for a few months. What you are experiencing is morning sickness, most commonly sighted around month two or three. And Xander, you’re having time to deal with all the emotions you repressed during your lifetime. Now that you understand how much you love Willow, you’re giving her what you didn’t in life. Plus, it’s probably safe to say that you are more in tune with her than you were then. Your subconscious might have understood what was happening and was trying to give Willow the comfort she needed.”

I took a deep breath. Breath. It’s funny that I never thought about it, but I had been breathing for the last two years. I didn’t need to, for there were times that I hadn’t been able to, but I could. It was just a natural thing that I never really thought about. “So, what’s next for us?” I asked in the same quiet tone Willow had employed.

“If you are willing, we can begin training to help you learn how to control your natural tendencies,” he allowed. “Buffy, I’m sure, would be willing to help you, and there’s Angel, who would be able to teach you how to remain in control. He, more than anyone, would know what the two of you are going through and
how to help you. However, you must commit yourselves to this fully. We can’t give you the support you’ll need if you continue to indulge in your killing,” he warned.

I looked at Willow. “Baby, it’s going to be hard,” I acknowledged. “This is new, and hard to take in. But the more I think about it, the more I allow my feelings to come to the surface, the more I want to try. The living part of Xander Harris wants to make things work. What about you?”

“Xander, I want to try, too,” she whispered. Tears filled her eyes. “My conscious is taking over, telling me that what I’ve been is evil. I always knew I was but I never cared. Now I do. I have to try and separate myself from what I was. But I can’t do it without you.”

“You won’t have to,” I promised. I turned back to Giles, determination in my eyes. “Whatever we have to do, Giles, we will. Just help us. We can’t do it without you.”

“Of course, Xander,” he replied kindly. I saw the tears in his eyes, and I knew he thought he had us back, that we would be what we once were. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that although Will and I would try, we were still vampires. We couldn’t go back to how things had been.

“Giles!” a terrified voice rang out. I turned around and hissed. Buffy stood poised with her crossbow aimed directly at my heart. 

“Hey, Buffy,” I greeted her coolly. “We’re home.”

“Don’t move,” she commanded. I could see the bow trembling in her hand and noticed Willow sneaking up on her from the stacks. In a quick movement, she had leaped at Buffy and torn the bow from her grip, leaving Buffy unarmed. Buffy quickly moved into a defensive stance. 

“We’re not going to kill you,” Willow allowed in a bored tone of voice. She tossed the crossbow down to me and I in turn handed it to Giles. Buffy’s eyes widened in surprise and confusion.

“Giles, what’s going on?” she asked tremulously. Giles sighed and launched into one of his customary long-winded v speeches. When he had finished explaining the situation to Buffy’s satisfaction, she sank down into the chair opposite mine. She watched me closely.

“How can you be a killer one moment and then eager to be more human the next?” she asked quietly. Her arms were folded over her breasts and she wasn’t budging an inch, although she seemed to give us the benefit of the doubt for the time being.

“I don’t know,” I confessed. “Once I understood what was happening, what I was, it was like my subconscious made the decision that I needed to be more human than vampire. I can’t explain it. I reveled in being evil, but once I knew that I could stop if I wanted to, then I wanted to.” I felt Willow move to stand beside me.

“I felt the same,” she confessed in her quiet, unobtrusive human-Willow voice. “I didn’t want the demon to be the dominant force once I knew that I could keep it at bay,” she added. I held her hand and tugged her into my lap. She snuggled close to me and I felt reassured to know that although we would keep the murderous urges of our demons in check, we would continue to let the passion they felt control our responses to each other.

Buffy’s eyes brightened with tears and she jumped up to hug us. Both Willow and I hissed and she jumped back, hurt. “Buffy, you have to understand,” I started. 

“We’re not the same Willow and Xander you were friends with,” Willow continued. “We’re going to try to control ourselves, but it’s going to be hard. And we’re not ‘souled’ like Angel is. We’re not the same. We’re still vampires, vampires with the demon still inside. True, we’re partially human, but we’re still partially the distrustful, distanced demon as well. It’s going to take time before we can respond to you like we used to, if we can at all.” 

Buffy nodded, blinking back the tears that wanted to rush forward. “Okay,” she allowed, taking a deep breath. “We’re just going to have to concentrate on helping you two beat your demons.” “And we’re going to have to be particularly careful with Willow,” Giles cautioned. We looked to him, not understanding what he meant. “Now that she is with child, her moods and hormones are going to fluctuate continuously. There are going to be times that Xander may well be the only one allowed near her, the only one who can help her control what she’s feeling. Her vampiric tendencies are going to be multiplied with her raging hormones. There will be times that she’ll be more dangerous than anyone ever imagined.”

I looked down at Willow, still snuggled against my chest, amused to see the self-satisfied smirk on her face. I had to remind myself that she might be allowing her human qualities to dominate the vampire, but she still had the demon in her, and it wanted to gloat about the power it could wield.

“Pregnant,” Willow sighed reluctantly. She shook her head ruefully. “Who ever knew that we needed protection?” she asked me with a small smile. I smiled back.

“Would that have stopped us?” I queried rhetorically. I didn’t even need to ask the question; there was no way Willow and I would have been able to keep away from each other even knowing the possibility of pregnancy was real. She shook her head again, giving me a lustful look that caused me to clench the arms of the chair tightly. “Will, you better stop that,” I warned. She grinned playfully, knowing the effect she had on me. Buffy expelled a sigh and we immediately stopped our playing.

“Vampires that don’t have to worry about losing their souls are no fun to be around,” she complained. She pouted, evidently thinking about her you-can-look-but-you-can’t-touch policy with Angel.

“Sorry,” we chorused contritely. She managed a half-grin and shrugged her shoulders. 

“Buffy, how did the slaying go tonight?” Giles asked, maneuvering the subject back to safe territory.

“Predictable,” she sighed. “Three vamps, all tried to make me think they’re the strongest vamp since the Master, all had bad fashion sense, all had bad one-liners, all are now dust.”

I felt Willow stiffen on my lap, and I knew what she was feeling. “Giles, I think we’ll be leaving now,” I announced, getting up. I held Willow suspended in the air, curled up in my arms like a contented kitten. “No offense, but we’re not ready for this.”

“Of course,” he responded sympathetically. That’s Giles for you. Sympathy for a vampire. No one else in his position would ever have even thought about it. Especially not a Watcher.

“So, we’ll see you guys tomorrow?” Buffy questioned casually. Her eyes were guarded. She still couldn’t trust us. Smart girl. “With bags of blood for your first non-human meal?” So that was what was bothering her.

“We will not feed on humans from this night,” Willow vowed. Her eyes glittered and I could tell her anger was mounting. “We gave you our word. That will have to be enough. The integrity and honesty Willow was full of is still there. It’s just been lying dormant these last two years. Be ready with those bags. We’ll be back at sundown tomorrow.”

“All right,” Buffy allowed. Her eyes were sad as Willow and I turned and walked away.

“Buffy, it’ll get easier,” I heard Giles promise, his voice fading like a withered flower.

“My two best friends are vampires, Giles,” she reminded him in a small voice. “It’s never gotten easier. It’s
all my fault. They’re vampires because I had a fling with Spike.”

It took just a few minutes to get home. We were both in such strange moods that we didn’t talk on the way, but Willow looked up at me curiously as we entered our apartment. “You wanna. . .” she inquired suggestively, looking in the direction of our mussed-up bed. My blood warmed as I envisioned lying with her curled up in my arms.

“Yeah,” I agreed. For probably the first time in our entire vampiric existence, our trip to bed began slowly, tenderly. She ran her hands over my chest and slid them below the shirt, gently pulling the white tee over my back and chest. She tugged it over my head and nestled her head against me, tentatively flicking her tongue over my skin. Strangely enough, her gentle eroticism stirred me more than her aggressive foreplay ever did. I returned the favor by slowly pulling her leather halter top down her arms and over her hips. Then we both unbuttoned the other’s jeans and slid them down each other’s legs. When we fell into bed our lovemaking was passionate, but tender and sweet. It was a strange feeling. Both of us had gone to our deaths virgins, so we didn’t know how slow, sensuous sex felt. All we knew was animalistic passion.

“Xander, I liked that,” Willow admitted shyly in the aftermath, her head resting on my chest and her hand resting lightly on my lower stomach. “I liked how it wasn’t angry and brutal.”

“Me too, Will,” I assured her, running my fingers through her hair. I pulled her into my arms, nestling her head against my shoulder, my arms around her protectively. I thought for the first time that had circumstances been slightly different, she would have shared her first time with a completely different person. We never would have shared what we did. I thought, again for the first time, of what we had done to our respective significant others with something other than cold-blooded glee. “Willow?” I began. She sensed the change in my mood. 

“What, Xander?” she prompted gently, rubbing her hand over my chest. She did it lovingly, not intending to  arouse me, but to be close to me in a way that we never had been before, despite our sexual intimacy.

“Will, do you ever regret what we did to Oz. . . and to Cordy?” I asked. She lowered her eyes and sighed.

“Xander, we are not responsible for what happened to them. Our demons understood that they were in the way. They were the ones responsible for us pulling away from each other. They had to be punished. No, I don’t regret that they died. I don’t regret anything I did as a vampire, because it was my nature. I just followed instinct. I’m going to change now, but that was what I was then. It wasn’t my fault, nor was it yours. We just have to live from now on knowing that we can’t ever do that again,” she said firmly.

“Do you think we should let Buffy and Giles know we murdered Cordelia?” I inquired softly. “They know we killed Oz, but they still think that Cordy is living somewhere in L.A.”

“No, let’s let them continue to believe that only Oz became to a victim to our demons,” she decided. “They’d only suffer needlessly, because they already think of Cordy as being gone. . . just not gone.” I acknowledged the intelligence in her decision and laid back, just letting my mind drift. Willow moved slightly, bringing me from my thoughts.

“Xander,” she began hesitantly. I looked down and saw her biting her lower lip. “Xander, do you regret that you let me turn you into a vampire?” she blurted out. She looked into my eyes, afraid that she would find recrimination in them.

“God, Willow, no,” I cried, pressing my lips to her forehead. She sighed against the touch and curled tighter into me. “If you hadn’t, I would have had to live my entire life without knowing how it feels to touch you, to hold you, and to know that you love me as much as I love you. I would have been alone. Will, I never would have been able to love anyone else as long as I had the perfect memory of you. I don’t regret a moment of the time we’ve spent together.”

She sniffled delicately, pressing her face into my chest. I held her close, rocking her, not knowing how to make sense of the bombardment of emotions I was experiencing.

“Willow, we’ve never talked about the nights that you and I were made into vampires,” I suddenly realized. “I never knew what happened to you, and I only have the vaguest recollection of what happened to me. Would you tell me now what happened?”

“If you really want to hear it,” she agreed. I nodded my head. “What do you remember?” she started.

“I remember walking with you in the park. We were talking about Oz and Cordy going away for the summer. I think it was after you restored Angel’s soul and he and Buffy were working through their “Angelus” issues. We were talking about how great it was that they were going to be able to be together, even if they couldn’t be together physically. You were saying that it was nice that Buffy had her true love back, and I asked you if you missed yours. You told me that you still didn’t think of Oz as your true love, but you did miss him and couldn’t wait for him to come home from that thing with his band. And I was saying how it was nice that Cordy could go and have fun, and hopefully she’d come back a little bit more human,” I recalled, smiling at the irony of thinking Cordy was the one that needed humanizing. Willow nodded, and I continued. “I know that we weren’t concerned about Spike and Dru, because we had thought they left, but I remember walking around the corner of that stone wall and coming face to face with him.

I went to stake him but he must have cold-cocked me or something, and then the next thing I remember was being in a cold little prison somewhere in the mansion. Then you walked in, a vampire, and you made your offer. The rest, they say, is history,” I concluded. She took a deep breath and we both gave a sardonic smile at the reminder of our half-human state.

“All right, Xander, that’s a good part of it,” she allowed. “What happened to me really wasn’t all that important. It was just the turning point,” she demurred. I looked hard at her.

“Willow, tell me the rest,” I demanded.

“All right,” she sighed. She sat up, distancing herself from me, and I wanted to pull her back against my body, but I resisted. “Did you know beforehand that Buffy and Spike were lovers at one point?” she asked.

“No,” I denied, shaking my head. “It wasn’t until after the change that I found out.”

“That was the reason why it all happened, you know,” she admitted. “Buffy was angry about Angel losing his soul, and one night while she was patrolling she ran into Spike. He had just lost Drusilla, and the two of them  sort of comforted each other. They ended up sleeping together to keep the memories of their respective lovers from haunting them. Afterwards, he got all pissed off that he had sex with a Slayer and went out to prove that he hadn’t gone soft. He was going to kill randomly, then realized that if he killed her best friends, that would be the greatest revenge of all. So he sought us out. He knew that Oz and Cordy were gone and figured we would be together where we weren’t with Buffy. When he found us, he clocked you, like you figured, and threatened to kill you right then and there if I didn’t go with him. I agreed, mostly
because I couldn’t leave you. So, he took us back to the mansion that he, Dru, and Angelus had lived in, and stuck you in some cold little room. Then he took me upstairs and began his little talk. . .” Her eyes glazed over and I could see that she was drifting back in time. I sat back and prepared myself for what I was going to hear.

Well, luv, I have to admit that I don’t like the defiance bit,” Spike admitted as he circled an angry Willow. “I rather liked the times when you were fearful and prayed for a quick death or a quick victory. The rebellious look just isn’t a turn-on.”

“Sorry, Spike,” the young hacker spit out. Her face matched her hair when she retorted, “I wasn’t looking to turn anyone on. Although I’m glad I didn’t succeed in your case.”

Spike leaned over and grabbed a handful of the fiery red strands. “I’d thank you to keep your hole shut, you bloody bitch!”

“Oooh, sweet talk,” Willow snarled. She didn’t know where the bravery was coming from, but she called every bit of it she could get to her. “You really know how to make a girl feel loved.”

“Keep it up, little girl, and all you’ll get is a morgue. Do you really want that, when you could have eternal life?” he coaxed.

“I’d throw myself on a stake,” she bit out. Spike chuckled.

“Somehow, pet, I don’t think you would. I think that your fiery hair would match your temperament and you’d be one of the most vicious killers around. And I think you’d enjoy it.”

“Never,” Willow hissed, beginning to become a tad bit fearful. Death she could handle. Vampirism? Being the one thing that haunted her nightmares? She couldn’t take it.

“Ahh, there’s the fear,” Spike whispered gleefully. He knelt down in front of the redhead and put a hand over hers. She yanked it away and he laughed. “Willow, luv, I could introduce you to passion you’ve never dreamed of. I see you, little one, when you think no one’s watching. You love him, don’t you? And he doesn’t love you back. I could change all that.”

“What are you talking about?” Willow whispered. Her face paled.

“Xander, of course. You love him. Even that Oz chap can’t take your mind off of him. You want him. Well, come to my side and you could have him,” Spike promised.

“I can’t,” she choked out. Tears began to fall. “He doesn’t want me. I’d just be dying for nothing, would become the horror I’ve fought, for nothing.”

< She’s thinking about it, > Spike thought, satisfied. < I have to get her to give in to her desires. > “Willow, ducks, you can’t see it because you’re afraid. But Xander? He loves you. He hates that you’re with Oz and he wants you all to himself. Maybe he doesn’t understand that it’s love that fuels those desires, but he knows how he feels anyway. Give in to me, and you can make him yours.”

“Why?” The question popped out of nowhere. Spike hesitated.

“Because I want you,” he admitted. Her eyes widened and she immediately looked for an escape route. “Not that way,” he quickly assured her. “Although I wouldn’t mind. . .” he added suggestively. She vehemently shook her head and he shrugged. “Drusilla has been killed. Darla is long gone. There are no female vampires around worth their salt as vampiress leaders. I want you to rule the vampire community. You could be the best, pet, and no one would ever dare stop you.”

“Buffy would,” Willow pointed out, her resolve already weakening. It sounded so tempting. . . A life of easy killing, no remorse, she’d never have to feel sad again, she’d be able to do everything she’d ever wanted to everyone who had ever made her feel bad. . . She’d have Xander. That last thought stopped her. “How would I have Xander?” she asked softly.

Spike smiled triumphantly, but Willow, with her eyes downcast, didn’t see it. “You can introduce to him in death the passion you denied him in life,” he purred. “You will be his sire. You will both be flooded with passion, vampiric passion, and you will turn it on each other. There’s no way that either of you will be able to walk away from the other. You’ll be bound for eternity.”

“Will it hurt?” she asked, defeated. Spike’s eyes lit up in victory.

 “Yes, ducks, it’s going to hurt,” he admitted. Her lower lip trembled and Spike stared, fascinated, at the quivering flesh. “It’ll be terribly painful. But when you rise, you’ll feel all the power that you’re destined to have, and the pain will be insignificant.”

“You’re going to kill me anyway,” Willow realized.

“Yes, I’m going to kill you. But if you want it, I can give you eternal life. What would you rather have, an unfulfilled love for him that dies when the two of you do, or an eternity to spend with him?” he prompted. It was all over but for the feeding.

“I want to be with him.” With this Willow titled her neck, giving him access and showing her submission. Spike’s face quickly morphed into the vampire form and he sank his fangs deep into her jugular. She winced and faltered, but he held her steady. When he was done, just as she was on the verge of passing out, he slit his cheek and offered it to her. Weakly, she stretched up to him and tentatively licked the oozing blood. “It’s done. It’s over.” She slumped over and Spike caught her.

“It’s not over, luv, it’ll never be over.”

Three days later

Willow stirred on the couch that Spike had left her on, and when she opened her eyes, it was Spike who stood by her. She stood up, straight and tall, and gazed at him. “Sire,” she acknowledged, kneeling to show her fealty.

“Rise,” he commanded. She did so, and stared him straight in the eye. “How do you feel?” he inquired.

“Thirsty,” she replied, her eyes turning yellow and her face growing craggy with ridges. She licked her lips and eyed the young girl who was tied to a chair, struggling frantically and screaming silently against her gag. Spike noticed the look and gestured for her to attack.

“Your first gift,” he announced. Willow’s eyes gleamed as she advanced on the terrified blonde.

“Harmony, how nice to see you,” she greeted the other girl. “You remember how you always made fun of me, you criticized that I had no taste? Well, I’m gonna have to hand it to you, you pegged me right. I mean, I must have no taste to accept an airhead as my first real meal. But, you’re here, so. . .” As she trailed off, Willow launched herself at the Cordette and sank her fangs deep into the girl’s pale white throat. She drank deeply until Harmony stopped twitching and lay still for the final time. “Satisfying,” Willow realized, standing up and licking the last drops of crimson from her lips. She turned to her sire and bowed her head.

Spike tilted her head up with his fingertip. “Willow, I believe that someone is waiting for you,” he revealed in a sing-song tone of voice. Her eyes lit up.

“Xander?” she cried. Spike nodded. “Where?”

“In the upstairs bedroom, two doors down on t he left,” he informed her, and she was gone. She flew up the stairs and threw the door wide open to find Xander handcuffed to a four-poster bed.

“Xander,” she whispered, advancing on the resigned youth.

“Willow!” he cried when he recognized the figure making its way towards him. “He let you go?”

“Of course not,” Willow scoffed, sitting down next to him. She lightly trailed her fingers over his chest and he shuddered in pleasure. Suddenly he realized what was happening.

“Willow? What did he do to you?” Xander inquired fearfully.

“What do you think?” she queried rhetorically. She leaned down and vamped out. Xander’s heart dropped and he stared at the beautiful face, even with the ridges and fangs, and he felt sick.

“God, Willow, I couldn’t stop it,” he moaned. “I’ve failed you.”

“No, you haven’t. I’m glad you didn’t stop it. I’ve never felt so powerful before, so invincible. I only need one thing and I will have everything I want,” she purred. He looked at her warily. “I need you, Xander. I want you. Stay with me.”

“Do I have a choice?” he sighed, accepting his imminent death. Willow surprised them both.

“Yes.” He looked up at her, astonished. “I don’t want you with me if you don’t want to be with me. I love you, Xander, and I always have. I did this for you, so that we could be together. But I can’t tie you to me if it will make you unhappy,” she allowed.

Xander hung his head and took a deep breath. In that instant, he realized with sudden clarity how much he loved her, how much she meant to him. He understood everything that he had spent years denying. “Yes, Willow, I want to be with you. I can’t live without you, so I want to die with you.”

Willow looked at him, unable to contain the joy she felt at his admission. “Tilt your head, Xander. It will only hurt for a minute,” she promised him. Xander complied with her command and allowed her to move in on him. She ran her tongue over his throat and he shivered with the intensity of the moment. She carefully pressed her fangs into his neck, taking care not to be too brutal and painful with him. She drank for the  second time in fifteen minutes and nearly drained him completely in her exhilaration. She stopped just in time and quickly made a cut on her palm, then  held it up to Xander’s lips. He drank tiredly, and she gently pushed him back down on the bed. “Sleep, love, you’ve earned it,” she whispered. He nodded, and managed to whisper one last thing to her.

“Now I’m yours forever.”

“You woke up four days later and you know the rest,” Willow concluded. She dropped back down against the pillow and into my arms. I stroked her hair and she absent-mindedly traced the lines of my muscles. 

I absorbed what she had told me. “So, you’re saying that you became a vampire for me? You loved me so much that you would rather become the thing that you hated rather than lose me?” It was too much for me to comprehend. I knew she loved me, but I never understood how much, what she was willing to sacrifice for me.

“Xander, I couldn’t *not* love you,” she whispered. Tears were gathering in her eyes and I brushed them away.

“Shh, Will, it’s okay,” I soothed. She sniffled a bit and then seemed okay. “So, you’re pregnant,” I mused, changing the subject. She stiffened. “God, who would have thought? We’re going to be parents.” 

Willow frowned thoughtfully. “It’s still so hard to believe,” she muttered. “But what’s going to happen? If we don’t age, how can the baby? Is it going to be a baby forever? Is it going to be a vampire? How can it be anything other than a vampire, when it has vampire parents? I’m still so confused. I don’t understand how this could happen.”

“I don’t either, Will. But one thing we learned from all those years of demon hunting and being the Slayerettes, is that the unexpected occurs. You don’t have to understand everything that happens. You just take it in stride and learn to adapt,” I philosophized. She giggled.

“You’re turning into Mr. Serious,” she teased. She nipped at the finger that was still stroking her cheek absently and I jumped. “Care to do something else besides spout philosophy?” she invited with a grin. I shook my head.

“As tempting as you are, Will, I think we should get some sleep,” I realized. She pouted. “Look, we’re going to be up for a long night of research and training tomorrow,” I pointed out. “And we’re not going to have the hunt to strengthen us. We’re going to be living off frozen food for the rest of our unlives,” I added. She smiled at my reference to the refrigerated blood that was to become our new source of sustenance.

“True,” she acknowledged. Willow sighed and snuggled down next to me. “I guess we should get some sleep, then,” she allowed, letting her eyes sleepily shut. “Now that you mention it, I am getting a bit sleepy. Sweet dreams, lover,” she whispered before she drifted off.

I burrowed under the covers with Willow’s lithe form pressed next to me. “Sleep tight, Willow,” I whispered back before I, too, closed my eyes.

When we woke up it was just an hour until sundown. Feeling remarkably refreshed, Willow and I rose and prepared for the grueling evening of training ahead of us.

“Xander, do you think we’re doing the right thing?” Willow asked after we got dressed and she put on her makeup.

“Yeah, Will, I do. I mean, demons are unnatural to begin with. *Fighting* demon tendencies is what we should be doing, not giving in to them,” I proclaimed. “Now that we have help and we know we can, it’s our duty to do it. We have to stop hurting other people.”

Willow stared up at me. “You’re my hero,” she sighed with a mischievous giggle. She pretended to swoon and I caught her before she could drop to the floor.

“Willow, you’re a nut,” I admonished her playfully.

She stood back up and brushed off her shirt. “Well, you always did the brave thing when we were Slayerettes. You never shirked you duties and you did what you knew was right. Now you’re doing it again,” she said. “I am so proud of you. I have never met anyone braver or more honorable than you, Xander Harris.”

I warmed under her praise. “Well, I try,” I mumbled modestly.

She squeezed me tightly. “You do a heck of a lot more than try,” she insisted. Willow lay her head against my chest and sighed. “Why does this feel so right?” she wondered. “We’re vampires. Demons. How come all of a sudden it’s so easy to just be a normal, domestic couple that doesn’t have any homicidal tendencies?” she asked.

“Honestly, Will, I couldn’t tell you. I don’t understand it. But like I said, we’re not supposed to understand everything. We should just go with it and make the best of our situation.”

Willow glanced out the tiny bay window situated high in the wall, high enough up that it couldn’t direct the harmful sunlight towards us. “Sundown,” she observed. “We probably better get to the library, or Buffy will be ready to stake us for breaking our promise.”

“You’re right. Ready to go?” I asked, offering her my arm. She ducked her head underneath and stood up with her body pressed against mine. I tightened my arm around her shoulders and she laced her fingers with mine.

“Ready,” she affirmed.

Nestled together, we left our haven for the second night in a row to seek out Giles and his knowledge.

For the next six months, Willow and I continued to train with Buffy and Giles, working out our aggression and learning to control our demons. It was so hard at times; sometimes I just wanted to lash out and kill them both and become a remorseless killer again. Every time I looked at Willow, pregnant with our child, I realized I couldn’t do that. I was going to be a father, and I was half human. I needed to curb my instincts to be evil and concentrate on how far I had come. I had to be strong for Willow, too. I was so proud of her. I knew she had it harder than I did, with her hormones and emotions on continual roller coasters. There were times that the only thing keeping her from turning on all of us was my strength, and then sometimes only her inner determination. It was a tough road, but we were strong and we persevered.

“Xander, concentrate!” Buffy hollered. I came out of my thoughts and viciously attacked the punching bag that she was throwing at me. I could feel the demon struggling to control me, and I beat it down. A few minutes later, I flopped down onto the practice pad.

“No more, Buff,” I wheezed. She crouched down over me, sympathetically sweeping the hair off my forehead.

“All right, Xander, I think you destroyed the bag anyway,” she conceded. I smiled up at her. Things between Buffy and me, and between Buffy and Willow, had improved a great deal. We were almost back to the way we were. Willow and I still couldn’t participate in the vampire slaying, although I’m sure our vampiric strength would have been an incredible asset to her, but we were friends again. Giles had become our mentor and resumed being the father that neither one of us had ever really had. It was a strange existence, but Willow and I were determined to get as much of our old lives back as we could.

“Xander?” Willow called from the stacks.

“Yeah, baby?” I called back. I made my way up the stairs to find her making her way to a couch. 

“I don’t know much about labor, but I think I’m in the first stages,” she explained.

My heart started beating triple time. “Giles!” I hollered frantically. He came running up the stairs. “Willow thinks she’s in labor,” I whispered. Giles immediately took control, which was a good thing, ‘cause I couldn’t even remember my own last name.

“Harris,” Buffy reminded me as she popped her head around the corner. At my astonished look, she said, “You were thinking out loud, I think. You just said you couldn’t even remember your own last name.”

“Damn, I’m more out of it than I thought,” I chuckled. I turned to help Willow but saw that Giles had already gotten her downstairs and was herding her out the doors.

“Buffy, make sure Xander gets to Angel’s okay,” Giles commanded as he directed Willow out of the library. “I’m going to get Willow there now.”

“Will do, Giles,” Buffy assured him, and the two of them were gone. She turned to me. “Xand, are you going to be okay?” she asked, concerned.

“Yeah, Buff. It’s just not everyday that a vampire becomes a father,” I joked. I felt weak. “Buffy, I feel so strange. Almost like I can’t hold myself up. Is something wrong with me?”

“Just nerves,” she reassured me, smiling. “I think this must be what every expectant father feels like when his child is being born. Now, let’s get you to Angel’s.”

“Lead on, fair lady,” I managed to quip. I still felt weak. It was a good thing I had Buffy’s support. I’m not
sure I would have made it on my own.

When we arrived at Angel’s place, Willow and the midwife were already doing their thing. I wanted to stay outside where I could pace and be frantic and anxious, but I also wanted to watch my baby being born. It had been a weird pregnancy, since Willow couldn’t go to a doctor. Seeing as how she was technically
dead, most of her vital signs wouldn’t appear, and that would confuse the hell out of any doctor. We had been forced to rely on one of Angel’s friends, a midwife who knew all about demons and such. We didn’t know anything except the baby was truly alive, with a beating heart. She had told us that we wouldn’t know until after its birth if would be a vampire or not, or what gender it would be.

“Buffy, is she going to be okay?” I asked in a whisper as I fearfully took in Willow’s struggle. 

“Xander, I think she will be,” Buffy whispered back. “I mean, she’s already dead. And you guys can handle a lot more pain than the average human. I think she’ll be fine.”

“This is just so new to me,” I confessed. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t kill anything or beat anything up to make myself feel like I’m in control. All I can do is watch Will suffer.” 

“Xander, it’s almost over,” the midwife spoke up. Willow was breathing heavily, but she didn’t seem to be in too much pain, so I took comfort from that. “The baby is almost ready to be born. I just need Willow to give me one good, hard push, and the baby will crown,” she instructed. Willow nodded and took a deep breath, then pushed with all her might. I nearly fainted as I saw my baby’s head emerge from Willow’s body.

“Xander,” Willow cried weakly. I rushed to her side and stroked her hair. The midwife asked her to push once more, and she did so. She clenched my hand as she bore down as hard as she could, and then she shuddered and relaxed. The squalling sound of my baby crying rent the air, and Willow nearly collapsed. “Xander, it’s our baby,” she murmured happily.

“I know, Will, I know,” I said in wonder. The midwife snipped the baby’s umbilical cord, cleaned it up, and wrapped it in a blanket before handing it to me. 

“I think you should see for yourself what gender it is,” she told me with a smile. I untucked the blanket from around my baby’s perfect body and looked down.

“Will, we have a baby boy,” I announced proudly. I felt as if my face would split. I couldn’t imagine being happier. Willow and I had a son. He was a miracle.

“Let me see him,” she urged. I handed him to her and she looked into his perfect little face. “Brendon,” she cooed happily. We had decided to name the baby Brendon Barratt if it was a boy, in honor of our paternal grandfathers. Neither Willow’s nor my father had taken active roles in our lives when we were actually alive, so we elected to use our favorite grandfathers’ names. “He’s so perfect, Xander,” she spoke up in awe.

“I know, Will. We created this perfect little boy,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. 

“Let the boy feed,” the midwife instructed, breaking the moment of family unity. Willow and I looked uncertainly at each other and she complied by lifting Brendon to her breast. “If the baby bites and drinks your blood, it is a vampire. If he drinks your milk, he is human,” the woman informed us.

Willow and I held our breaths as the baby explored Willow’s breast. When he was satisfied, he turned his attention to feeding, and Willow began to cry.

“Willow, what?” I asked anxiously. “Is he feeding, or is he. . . *feeding*?”

“He’s drinking the milk,” she shouted happily. “Our baby is human! He’s not cursed with our vampire heritage!”

Buffy and Giles breathed sighs of relief, but I could only thank God that my son had been spared the curse I was forced to live with. 

“Xander Harris, you are now a father,” Buffy cried delightedly. I nodded in wonder. I couldn’t believe that we had created such a beautiful little soul.

“We’re going to be okay, aren’t we?” Willow asked from her perch on the spare bed.

“Yeah, Will, we are,” I promised. I took my place at her side and stroked Brendon’s downy black hair. “We have to be. For our son.”

“Our son,” she repeated. 

“To Brendon Barratt Harris!” Giles, Buffy, Angel, and the midwife cheered. I hugged Willow and my son to me. I had my true love, and our son. For a vampire, life couldn’t get any better.

Author’s Note: I would like to attach a challenge to this story. You can take any path you want with it; you could write a sequel, with Xander and Willow’s son in the future, or you could write a prequel, an adventure Willow and Xander share after they’re converted but before they find out they’re only half-vampires. Write it from Willow’s POV. Make it so that Brendon discovers he really is a vampire but a half-breed like his parents. Go wild. Have fun. But be sure to send it to me, ‘cause I want to read all of them!

The End