Decision

Dedication: To Cri, for her work
Authors Notes: This I wrote in an hour, its me trying to get into the heads of w/x for the past few seasons and I'm really not sure how successful I was or if I made sense . .  you be the judge :-)

He shook his head at her, unable to cope with the simple, almost unavoidable truth that what they had shared, the past that had bound them was slipping away
as simply as he let water slip through his fingers. She was sitting quietly on the bed, a pencil slowly twirling in the air in front of her, suspended by forces he had yet to believe she grasped. Willow - a witch. The woman she was now failed to merge with the girl he had grown with and perhaps there lay the fault in the relationship. There was too much past to create any hope of a future. She let him stand there. Let the silence drag. When had there ever been silences between them before? In all these years there must of been a time when they had nothing left to say to each other - but he honestly couldn’t recall a single moment. For even when their mouths were closed, they used to speak to each other without needing words. She had said it so simply too, the sentence coming out like any other. Not like his entire life hung in every letter she spoke.

It had begun innocently. He had come round, found Buffy absent and had asked her if she wanted to catch a movie. She had said no, she was busy. He had pressed the matter. He was bored. He wanted company. She had asked where Anya was. He said he had no idea, joked she was probably off chasing demons for the secret password back into bad guy brigade.

After a moments pause, she had explained she was meeting Tara, to attempt a spell they had found. He had blinked and asked who Tara was. Willow had smiled. It was one of those spontaneous smiles that people seem to do without actually thinking, they do them just because they are totally and utterly happy. “She’s my friend.”

And then his world had shattered. Just gone away from him. It had been about thirty seconds since that sentence. He could record every thought that had rushed through him since then. The first ten seconds wondered who Tara was, tried to remember when Willow had talked about her, even in a casual mention. He came out blank. Was she new? How long had she known her? Why didn’t she tell him? The answer was simple, its solution was another question - when did she ever have the chance?

The next ten he spent wondering why they never talked. Tried to remember the last time they really, truly had. Again he came out blank. It was . . . a while. His brain had come to the horrific conclusion that at the moment he knew nothing about his best
friends life. For the last ten seconds his brain was trying to absorb into his heart that the truth was - she was no longer his best friend.

“Why?” That word slipped out, escaped from his lips before he had a chance to stop it. That had happened before, he said things his brain didn’t think it should - ‘I love you’ A year, was that when he had said it, sat, clasping her clammy hand, praying so hard to a God he no longer believed in. Asking her to come back. For what? So she could go away again? She looked up at him and the pencil dropped to the floor with a clatter. A slender eyebrow raised to study him “Why is she my friend?” she queried.

“No” He blinked, his throat feeling dry and parched. He could back out now. It was simple, a quick hasty retreat. He could find Anya and they could . . . interlock, or whatever.

He could run. It was something Willow herself had often accused him of doing and maybe that was what made him stay his ground. To prove that he wasn’t
going to run away anymore. “Why aren’t I?” he asked. He was impressed how calm he sounded. It didn’t sound like an end of the world, billion dollar question. He sounded like he was just asking her, why she cut her hair, why she had taken to wear her watch on her left wrist now instead of hr right? Nothing important, despite the fact that he no longer knew those unimportant things about her. She seemed perplexed by that, shaking her head, dismissing it “You’re my friend”

He shook his own head and marched forward, taking a place on the bed beside her “No, I’m not. What happened to us Will?” his voice was earnest now, a hint of desperation creeping in. She seemed ready to dismiss it again, argue with him. Instead she sighed and he had never heard so much sorrow in her sighs

“Time” she replied. “Time shouldn’t be a factor. Not with friendship. It shouldn’t mean anything. Not if the friendship is strong enough” “Maybe it wasn’t” she said quietly.

He reeled back, shocked - he hadn’t been prepared for that, not even in his worst nightmares “You think our friendship was weak?” he demanded, when finally
able to make words again.

She frowned, her forehead creasing as if in deep thoughts. Her eyes were slightly distant, as if she was looking back at something “I just think . . . we’d never know. Growing up, we never had a chance to choose to be friends. We just were. It happened before we had a chance to remember and when we were old enough to talk, to question, it was too late to question our friendship. We grew up with each other, Xand. That doesn’t equal a strong friendship”

“It means we each hold a part of each other” he was desperate now, god he hated the pleading tone in his voice, so pathetic against the reflective, almost clinical tone of hers “It means, we had something that survived, that grew. I watched you become someone
Willow, you were there at every important stage of my life. It was strong. We didn’t have to be everything to each other just because we didn’t know any
better. We choose to be. Every time you phoned me for no reason, or I came round with a silly gift I’d made for you. Each time we did that we made a decision. I will always believe I made the right one”

Her eyes had a light now, but it wasn’t a bright one. There was a dark edge to it. “I lost that faith Xander. I’m sorry”

“When?” His voice actually cracked. It hurt that much.

“You know. If you were any kind of friend, you’d know”

His eyes closed in pain. "'No, it just means you’d rather be with someone you hate then be with me'"“That long?” he croaked.

She watched him. He felt her eyes on him. She didn’t seem to need to check that he really did know when. “Yeah, that long” she did sound sorry, apologetic even “But it was more a gradual realization. A wakening. When I saw you, with her, I knew then”

His eyes opened “Knew what?” He sounded sharp, angry. It soothed the pain.

“Knew that something that was everything to me, was so little to you. If you could that casually destroy it” she chewed a lip, the first sign he had seen she was in distress “Things just snowballed from that moment until . . .” she waved her hand, struggling
“until, this” she finished weakly. He was still trying so hard to understand, to get it

“But, the fluke, when you said what you said, outside the magic shop that time”

She lowered her head, her red hair shielding her face “I didn’t want it to go, you know. I tried to fight to save it. That was what the fluke was, at least to me. I was just, trying to, I don’t know, put feeling back into something that was dead to me. That sounds awful, I’m sorry . . .”

“You keep saying that” he said flatly “And when you told me I love you?”

“I had never said it before. 14 years of friendship and I had never said that, though I thought it. I thought the world was going to end. I said it then, to see . . . I don’t know. To see that I could finish with no regrets, feeling complete” a single eye looked over at him accusingly “Then I found out you slept with Faith. Thats when I had to accept it was over. After that, it had to be all about Oz. I poured myself into him, hoping I could regain what I lost with you” she sniffed sadly “Look where that got me. Now, it has to be about finding me, finding what I love” a smile, a ghost of a one “I love magic. I love college”

“You don’t love me” It wasn’t even a question. He had understood.

“As of now, I don’t know what love means” she sounded so cynical, so bitter. Like Buffy on a bad day. She shook herself, maybe shaking away tears, maybe just depressing thoughts, maybe their entire friendship. She jumped up, reached for her bag tossed on the floor “I have to go” she spoke quickly.

He grabbed her arm in a sudden motion “Don’t go”

She gazed down at him, right into his eyes. Something flickered fleetingly across her face “I have too” she replied “I have to go”

He was going to cry. He knew it. He didn’t want to cry “Don’t leave me, Will”
Damn. A tear. A single one dripping down his cheek. There was going to be more, unless . . .

“What else can I do?”

There, he had heard emotions in her voice. Pain, regret. All of that.

“You can stay” he begged “Just stay with me? Its no hard” he shook “Don’t leave things like this. You’re my best friend”

Her expression softened, just a little “Oh Xand” she moaned.

“I know its hard. I know I messed up. But Will, please, all I did was struggle to grow up. I made mistakes, I made a tonne and I’m sorry for not being the perfect white knight, the Prince Charming that you made me into when we were kids. I was trying to be Xander and trying to work out what that meant. And, okay, sometimes I got it wrong. But I learned. Do you know what I learned, in all these years?”

She lowered herself gently back down to be beside him. His arm remained on hers.

“What?”

He watched her steadily “There’s no me without you”

Her eyes widened. Her mouth parted “Oh”

He was a little calmer because he felt, this was the moment. The pivotal moment of whatever that people talked about. The one that decided the rest of your life. And the surprise was, he was strong enough to face it. Maybe the Hellmouth had made him strong enough for this.

“The question is, can you exist, can you be, without me?” She sat back heavily.

He let the silence go on this time. It was her choice, her decision. He had to let her make it. If eternity could last several seconds, thats how long it was.

“You know the thing about love stories?” she asked him matter of factly. Mutely, not trusting himself to speak, he shook his head.

“In real life, you don’t ever get the happy ending. No riding off into the sunset, and especially no happily ever afters. I don’t think the world works that way. At least I don’t believe it does. You killed that in me. You killed that faith. And I’m not blaming you, not really, all I’m saying is” her voice caught in her throat, tears glistened in her eyes “I want it back. And I don’t know how”

“You can get it back. We can get it back”

She shook her head “No, you don’t understand. I thought you were perfect, when I grew up, the sun rose and set in you. That was how much you meant to me. You never saw that, Xand. I didn’t know you didn’t until I saw you kissing Cordelia. It killed
me because I finally knew, I didn’t stand a chance with you and never did. I couldn’t accept it. Its petty and shallow, but guess what, I am. I’m not perfect either. I can’t make the way I feel disappear”

“You seemed to do a pretty good job with your feelings for me” He knew it was dumb as soon as he had said it. Humour as a defense, typical Xander.

“Aren’t you listening?” she snapped at him, angrily “They’re not gone. They’ll never be gone. But I don’t want them anymore. I’m not prepared to fight to keep them because it hurts too much. And I’m trying to let them go but the only way I can do that is if . . . “

“Is if I go, out of your life?” he finished for her. She didn’t seem to have the strength.

She nodded weakly “Yeah”

He breathed. It seemed to be the only thing he could do right.

She continued, he barely heard her “This summer, before college, when you were away, it was so, incredible. I changed. I mean suddenly I wasn’t this shy, awkward high school girl. I was someone who was fighting evil, and, and winning. And I had a boyfriend, who loved me because he thought I was beautiful and special. I found out I could be someone without you”

“So, thats it then?” he asked “I’ll hand in my best friend ID card?”

She didn’t answer. Her silence spoke volumes.

He stood, his heart heavy in his chest.

He took steps towards the door, his world a daze, his vision black.

“Xand?” her voice called him back.

He didn’t know how but as he turned back round, something inside him snapped “NO! Don’t call me that like it means something to you now? Dammit it, Willow, how dare you? How dare you throw this away? Through it all, through all of this crazy life stuff I never ever treated you as anything but a friend! I never led you on! I never gave you any indication I felt anything more for you! And you get hurt when you have to see something that was always there? That you were my friend and nothing more. Well I
thought that was enough”

“It was, I mean” she jumped up “I mean, it was everything but I wanted more”

“You wanted Prince Charming on a white horse and when I didn’t live up to that, you tossed me aside and tried to fit Oz into that mould. And he couldn’t live up to that either, thats the real reason he left. Well, it doesn’t exist Will. Your faith in love isn’t gone, its just too high up in the clouds, to ever let you have real love down here. Real love is worth fighting for, it may not be perfect but, god, Will, its worth the fight. You grew up thinking me perfect and learned the hard way that wasn’t’t true. Well I leaned the hard way that my feelings for you were more than friendship.”

She stood there, defeated. Spent.

He stepped towards her “Can’t we fight?”

She shook her head.

“I love you”

He just said it, surprising himself. He had known he did, for a long time. He had ignored it when after the fluke, her return to Oz indicated she didn’t feel the same way anymore. It was why he left Sunnydale over summer. To give her the space. He had never dreamed it would bring him here. Her head jerked up. She was crying now. Tears that rolled down her cheeks in waves.

“I love you too” she confessed brokenly.

He held out a hand “Then, please, don’t make it over out of fear or pain. Please”

She stood there, still crying but made no move to take his hand.

“If I leave now, its to never come back. You know that?”

“I wish” she stumbled over words and had to suck in air to continue “I wish I could undo the past. I wish I could make it so we’re total strangers, meeting for the first time. But I can’t. I can’t erase this, Xander. I just don’t know what wounds deeper. The one
that makes me hate you, or the one that makes me love you. I don’t have the strength to find out”

He thought for a moment. Then he nodded with a fleeting smile.

“Fine. This is goodbye then”

No answer, again.

Poor, weak Willow. All the confidence and magic in the world couldn’t help her now. He felt regret, despair, unhappiness, anger, sadness - so much he felt in that instant it was like an overload. But he knew what had to be done.

He walked out.

“Bye” Willow said, a mere whisper as the door swung shut. Hugging her arms round her to stop the shaking, Willow tried to stop crying. She tried to tell her heart not to break.

It did anyway.

She was scared and stupid and afraid and a thousand times she knew she would regret this moment but she let it go on by, without fighting for it, without saving it.

So be it. She hadn’t lied to him. Everything she had said was true.

She didn’t have the strength to fight this. She hurt too much. The trouble was she also knew everything he had said to her was true too.

No.

She had lied to him. Just the once. Not directly.

She had never answered his question - if she could exist without him.

No.

Simple answer. No. There was no way.

But she had too. Relying on Xander, she couldn’t do it. She had relied on Oz so much and when he left, it shattered her. Her mother had taught her that, strong people relied on no-one but themselves. When Oz left, she had promised never to rely on someone again, like that.

Do you know, a voice in her head asked, you’ve  driven the two men in the world who love you, out of town? What does that say about you?

She shook her head, wiped at her eyes “That I’m messed up” she muttered to herself.

There was a knock at the door.

Willow jumped and eyed it suspiciously, counted down who it could be. Buffy wouldn’t knock, not to her own room. Giles? Maybe. But she thought he was patrolling with Buffy. Riley, on a Buffy search?

No, he knew she was slaying. Tara? It had to be Tara.

She was beyond late.

Rubbing at her eyes again, Willow hurried to the door and opened it, ready with a rush of apologies, a rush of reasons to why she was crying, all except the real one.

And she stood like that, door open, hand on the knob, mouth open as her speech and mind left her.

The guy standing there smiled simply “Hi. I’m new around here. Just taking a look round campus really, thinking of coming here next year, I hear its a nice college . . . anyway, I want to get to the cafeteria, serious need for caffeine but I have no idea where it is. I need someone to direct me - or take me?” he looked at her hopefully.

She blinked. Gagged. Stared.

He smiled some more and held out a hand “I’m sorry. Where are my manners? I’m Alexander. Alexander Harris. And you are?” His eyebrows raised, his hand patiently out, he waited for her response.

Willow smiled. She took his hand and her fingers enclosed his.

The shake was brief but firm.

“I’m Willow Rosenberg. Have we met? You look like someone I use to know.”

His grin showed dimples, his eyes sparkled “Was he devastatingly handsome and amazingly intelligent like me?”

Willow laughed, just a little. It felt good. “He was much more than that” she answered.

“Well, I will have to live up to his high standards then”

“You’ll exceed them” she said firmly and her laugh was completely genuine, filled with happiness but laced with tears “The cafeteria?”

He nodded enthusiastically “I hear they serve killer fish sticks”

She came through the door to stand by him “Big portions too. You need a friend to share”

“Well I have you” he answered.

She shook her head as she closed the door “But we’ve only known each other a few minutes”

He slung as arm round her shoulder, so casually “But doesn’t it feel like a lifetime?”

She caught his hand before it reached her shoulder

“This doesn’t fix everything” she said quietly to him, unwilling to shatter the illusion but knowing it needed to be said.

“I know. Thats going to take time, Will. It destroyed us but it can save us. Give it time. We’ll rebuild what we had. We’ll make it new and perfect”

“It will never be perfect, Xand” she said sadly “We both suffered that illusion”

He shrugged “Well, better than. Happier” he shook himself “So, fishsticks? And on the way you can tell me everything there is to know about you?”

“There isn’t much to tell” she replied.

“No, you look like a girl with a story to tell”

She laughed again “Well, it started with my Barbie . ..”

The End