Falling after you

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB.  No copyright infringement is intended.

Despair swam around him - endless and dark. He was walking through the blackness again, lost and alone. He remembered this place well - was old friends with it. But he wasn’t meant to be alone here, someone was meant to come. He wasn’t sure how long he had been wandering about but it had been a while. He was scared.

“Hello!” he called out as he voice echoed before fading, absorbed by the shadows “Anyone there?”

Silence was his answer. He stopped walking and simply stood, wrapping his arms around him and holding back shudders. It was an old fear - being alone in the dark -  that went back to when you were a kid. Even knowing the monsters were real, even knowing how to kill them didn’t ease it. He wasn’t really scared anymore of the bad guys in the dark but everyone, even if they didn’t admit it, was still a little scared of the dark itself.

A hand touched his shoulder, tried to turn him.

He yelped, jumped and turned, holding up his fists.

A smiling face stared calmly at him “Hello Xander” the woman said.

Xander let out a breath and lowered his arms, relaxing “Hey Jenny. Fancy seeing you here”

Jenny Calendar - the long dead computer teacher nodded at him “Its been a while”

“Can I assume with you presence that I’ve either died in my sleep or there’s a bad going on?”

She shook her head, dark hair flowing out “No, I’m just checking up on you. See how you are doing”

He smiled, nodded and accepted the ease that he was dealing with an angel. It had been seven months since he had last seen her - the day he had died and she had saved him. He owed her a lot - in fact he owed her everything “I’m fine”

Her gaze was shrewd “You sure?”

He nodded then dropped the act “Yeah, except . . .” he trailed off and looked round helplessly “Sometimes stuff feels wrong. Like everything I have isn’t really mine”

“It isn’t, Xander” she said softly “Nothing we have is ours forever. It all turns to dust in the end. The only thing we can do is hold onto it for a little while”

“Cheery” he snapped - it wasn’t exactly what he wanted to hear.

“But are you happy?” she pressed anxiously.

He considered and nodded “I have Willow. I’m happy”

Her smile faded and as Xander watched in horror, her face twisted, and morphed. Before he could react, even scream, it was Edmund Krauss, the sorcerer who had tried to use him to return to life, stood there “You don’t have Willow, fool” The German taunted him evilly “You never did”

Xander backed up, heart beating fast “I don’t know what you mean” he stuttered.

“Yes, you do” he advanced on Xander “You’re just too weak to admit it”

Xander shook his head, turned and ran. Wildly and without direction. He didn’t hear the sounds of anyone following him. But suddenly a dark figure was in front of him. He crashed into it with a scream of terror. He fell backwards, hit the floor and stared up in terror.

He saw Willow in front of him but she looked different. Her hair was shorter, her eyes sadder. She held out a hand “When heroes fall, who saves them, Xander?” she asked softly.

Xander looked up at her in confusion “Will . . .”  he began.

“You gotta open your eyes when you fall, Xand. You gotta know what to see”

He shook his head, feeling suddenly desperate “All I see is you, Will” he confessed brokenly.

She lowered her head as sorrow washed over her beautiful features “I know. That’s the problem”

Then an arm whipped round Willows neck from behind. In one violent motion, another hand came up and twisted. Hard.

Xander heard bones break in a sickening crack. Willows eyes were wide in surprise.

The hand let her go. She was falling right towards him. He couldn’t even scramble away. All Xander could do was scream and scream and scream.

He saw Krauss’s smiling face in front of him.

Xander shot up in his bed and almost fell out. He steadied himself, breathing hard and sweating - all the telltale signs of a nightmare. He looked around his room, searching for comfort. Hidden away in the basement of his own house, while giving him that nice distance from his parents, sometimes got lonely. Made him feel more cut off from things than he did already. Buffy and Willow were in their own little world of college fun - and while he trusted Willow and never doubted her love, he sometimes wandered what she did when he wasn’t here. After all, her ex boyfriend, her very bitter ex boyfriend, who was still madly in love with Willow, shared some of her classes. And was a werewolf in his spare time while listed under Xander’s supernatural abilities column were the words ‘yeah, right!’.

He turned over in bed and found the picture of him and Willow at his bedside. She looked radiant, as always. Blissfully happy. It was from graduation - before the blood and the death and the explosions. They had got Jonathon to take it. Xander stood behind Willow, arms wrapped round her, grinning at the camera. Willow, however, instead of looking at the camera, had tilted her head up and was simply smiling up at him. In the background you could see Giles fixing Buffy’s cap, a proud father to the end.

Xander smiled. Graduation had healed many wounds - despite the fact that both Angel and Cordelia had moved away straight after it. He had patched things up with his ex and the fact he and Angel had finally gone their separate ways, without resorting to killing each other, was a step in the right direction. Plus, he and Oz had fought side by the side. The werewolf has even saved Xander’s life - saved the life of the guy who had stolen his love. Things were still awkward but there was communication and conversation. Things were forgiven it not forgotten.

Xander reached past the picture and picked up the phone. A photo was one thing to reassure him, but it sure wasn’t enough.

He dialed the number from memory. It only rang twice “Hey Xander.” Willows happy voice came through the other end, wonderfully alive.

He grinned “How did you know it was me?”

“Who else would have the decency to phone at 3am in the morning?” she asked.

“Can’t argue with that. Why are you still up?”

“Maybe cause the phone rang and woke me” she joked and he felt her smile “Or could be the fact Buffy got called out for some late night slayage. I’m waiting up”

“Oh” he stopped, let the silence drag.

“You okay?” she prodded, voice soft and caring.

“Yeah, just bad dreams” he admitted, a little shyly.

She was worried “Again? Xand, what is that? Four nights in a row”

He nodded, feeling like a little boy, seeking comfort from her mother. Except when he was growing up, the loving hugs and reassuring words had always come from his best friend “Yeah. They’re getting worse. Actual conversations were had in this one”

“What about?” she pressed. He had told her little about the dreams. Just that they featured Jenny and Krauss. Nothing about how she died in each and every one. He didn’t want to scare her and while it was the Slayers territory to have prophetic dreams - these dreams, they were something else.

“I’m not sure. I didn’t get it” he shook his head, trying to shake off the lingering fear “Doesn’t matter. I just needed to hear your voice, you know”

“I know” She was sympathetic “Anytime. Are you sure you’ll be okay? I worry about you”

“Don’t Will. Everything’s going to be alright”

“You always say that” she said with affection.

“Well, I really believe it” he paused, hesitated without knowing why “I love you Will. I don’t know what I would do without you”

She was quiet for a moment “I love you too” she said, at last “Sometimes I think I’m just here to be with you, does that make sense?”

“That’s a little deep for 3am” he teased her “But it make sense, Will. I came back for you, remember. Its because of you I’m even breathing”

She didn’t like to be reminded of the night he died. “Go to sleep Xander. Try not to dream”

“Good night Willow”

“Night” she replied before hanging up.

He held the receiver for a little while longer, thinking. Thinking how he didn’t deserve her, wondering how it even came to be that she had forgiven him all his mistakes and loved him for all his faults. She said he was her hero - but in his dream he hadn’t ever been able to save her.  Maybe it came from the fact that the supernatural had brought them together - it made it seem less real, less believable. Maybe he didn’t think he was worthy of her, even now, still.

He didn’t know why he was having these dreams. He just knew he wanted them to stop. He collapsed back on the bed and closed his eyes. But he didn’t sleep. He just lay there and thought of her.

Xander pulled his car up in front of Sunnydale University and turned off the engine. He looked round, feeling as always lost in this place. Higher education - the place he could of gone too if he had just applied himself. Done something other than make fun of the people who made fun of him. Now all he had on his CV was a lifetime of goofing off. No wonder the only work he could get was the type that paid cash in hand and asked you kindly not to mention anything he saw to anybody in a uniform.

He sighed and got out, looking round. He was due to meet Willow and Buffy at the front entrance for lunch and he was only about ten minutes late. But that was okay - they knew that about him. He headed over to the stone steps leading up to the large double doors and sat down.

The summer sky was blue, empty of clouds and the overhead sun was bright. If you closed your eyes and wished hard enough, you could almost believe this town was not the Hellmouth. That the end of the world wasn’t probably just around the corner. Knowing the secrets of this town, made you appreciate the joys of life but also its flaws. 100 years, if you were lucky, was all that you got. And too many things were out there to take that from you.

“Deep, Harris, deep” he muttered to himself and his eyes strayed from the sky to the people. Flocks of teenagers on the brink of adulthood, laughing, putting off the inevitable for a few more years. He saw out there the misfits, the future models and business students. He saw people with their future ahead of them.

He saw Jenny Calendar. He jumped up with a jerk as he saw the computer teacher crossing the field in front of him, heading for a brick building. He only had her profile, the dark hair, the long patterned skirt and pastel coloured top. But it was her.

“Jenny!” he shouted, realising the stupidity.

She didn’t turn, didn’t glance his way.

Xander leapt down the few steps and ran after her, drawing a few stares from people as he sped past them. She kept walking purposefully, not aware anyone was chasing her.

Xander pushed himself that bit further - he had a lifetime of practice at running - but she had the head start.

“JENNY!” he bellowed it this time, trying to work out how she was here - why she was here.

She had reached the building but instead of entering she quickly headed to the edge of it.

Xander was closing fast, he saw her turn the corner to head around the back. He was maybe five seconds behind as he skidded round into the alley.

The empty alley. It stretched several feet in front of him, there were no exits and it ended it a chain link fence. He stared. Why was he surprised she had vanished? Angels did that. It was part of the job description.

“Xander?” a worried voice came from behind him.

He turned and saw Buffy standing there, wide-eyed, looking concerned.

He took a breath and found he didn’t have much to spare. His pulse was racing madly. He bent down as his muscles began to cramp, trying to slow his breathing “I really should work out more, huh?” he gasped.

Buffy placed a warm hand on his back “Xand, are you okay? I was coming out to tell you Willow wanted us to meet her at the library and you jumped and ran.” she paused, hesitated “You were shouting Jenny’s name, Xander?”

He straightened “I saw her, Buff. She was here. In the larger than life sense. I chased her down here but she vanished. If you were behind me, you should of seen her”

Buffy’s worried frown deepened “There was no-one, Xander. I saw you running across the field and into this alley. But there was no-one in front of you” she paused “I’m sorry”

“Don’t be sorry” he snapped “Be Buffy. Kill the bad evil”

Buffy stared at him “What evil Xander? You’re loosing sanity ground fast here”

“Krauss! Or, someone. Something. I don’t know. But Jenny was here, I saw her . . .”

Buffy’s voice was gentle but firm “She’s dead, Xand”

He closed his eyes “I know that” he muttered “But . . .”

She stepped closer “I know what you think happened when you died.  Okay, I’ve been there. Dying is a weird gig. Coming back, even stranger. It makes you crazy for a little while”

He stared at her flatly “You think I’m crazy?”

“I didn’t say that!” she protested then grinned weakly “Okay, I did. Maybe you just think you saw her”

He shook his head “Buffy, you know there are real ghosts. You know, there are real angels. Okay, I’ve been dreaming weird things. Jenny’s been in them. I’m telling you, something funky’s going on”

Buffy sighed deeply, shaking her head and stepping back from him.

Xander caught her arm urgently “No, Buffy, trust me on this. Weirdness. We have to see Giles -”

“Don’t be a jerk, Xander!” Buffy snapped, eyes flashing “We tell him the woman he was in love with, is walking round campus like she’s not dead, how do you think he will react?!”

Xander dropped his head “I just . . .”

“I know you’re scared. We’ll go see Willow -”

“No!” Xander said sharply “Keep her out of it. For now. I don’t want her worrying”

Buffy shook her head and gave a little laugh “So, you want me and you researching with you’re feeling of something funky. Well, we should find something in no time!”

Xander glanced back down the empty alley and struggled to regain his composure. Buffy was right - this could all be a product of his overactive imagination “Okay. Point taken. I’ll calm but I won’t like it” he managed a smile.

She linked her arm with his “I’ll keep an eye out. Put the bat signal on alert”

He walked out with her “When are the Batman jokes going to get old with us?” he asked her playfully.

“Oh, around, never!” she shot back, laughing.

For a moment, laughing with his friend, Xander could ignore the feeling in the pit of his stomach. The little voice telling him Jenny was just the beginning . . .

They found Willow in the library with Oz. Buffy grinned at them both as she took the seat beside Oz and Xander slipped into the chair beside Willow, with a nod to the other guy.

Willow looked up from the book she was reading and smiled at them both “What took you so long?”

Buffy and Xander exchanged looks. Buffy gave her best innocent smile “Xander had car trouble”

Willow rolled her eyes at her boyfriend “Again. Xander, you really should put that car where it belongs. The scrap heap”

He tossed an arm over her shoulder and pulled her to him “Hey, its a classic”

Buffy shook her head “I heard Giles in him then. His deep attachment to his car is also scary. Considering its hell on wheels and not the good hell on wheels”

“I did not sound like Giles!” Xander grimaced at his friend.

“I heard Giles” Oz commented “But I understand. Its the sentiment not the standard”

“Is that guy talk?” Buffy asked “For ‘I love my car’ but am too manly to say it?”

“Van, Buffy.” Oz corrected with the tiniest of smile “And, yeah, it kinda is”

“Well I’m freaked. Can we move on?” Buffy asked.

Xander turned to Willow “What are you reading?” he asked.

She held up the book for him to see. He cocked an eyebrow “Alice in Wonderland. Wow, and they say college if full of new learning opportunities?”

She shrugged “I like it. We read it when were kids, remember?”

“You read it” Xander corrected “I looked at the pretty pictures and wondered if the Disney Alice had a boyfriend”

Willow laughed at him “You should read it” she told him.

He kissed her cheek “For you, anything. Even book learning” he made a face to illustrate what a horrible thought that was “Can I be the white rabbit to your Alice?”

Willow looked at him strangely “You’ve got the wrong Alice” she told him.

No sooner had Willow said the words, did Xander’s world snap out of focus. For a second, he was falling down that rabbit hole.

He could hear someone trying to speak over tears. It sounded like Buffy.

“Please Xander, stay awake, okay, talk to me. It’s bad, I know, oh God, it’s really bad but you’re going to be okay. Please Xander, you have to be okay. Xander, you gotta be. You idiot, I warned you, I told you not to come on these hunts, that you’d only get yourself  - Be okay.”

And then there was another voice. Just as desperate but soft, quiet “Xander, are you there? Can you hear me? They say you can, but I’m not so sure. Cause if you could you would have heard me telling you how I feel and you would of come back. Please, Xander, listen real hard and grab hold of my voice. Cause I’ve almost given up hope . . .”

Then the voice trailed off and Xander opened his eyes.

Buffy was at one side of him, Oz leaning over her. Willow held tightly to his hand “Xander, God, what happened?”

He blinked, steadied his eyes on Willow “I’m not sure” he felt weak and horrible “Spaced out a little”

“You can say that again” she said “Its been ten minutes. You just went on us”

“Was it Jenny?” Buffy asked in concern.

Willows head snapped up to look at Buffy in alarm.

Xander shook his head, embarrassed by their attention “No, it was just - I didn’t get much sleep last night. Got a little woozy” he squeezed Willows hand “I’m alright”

She buried her head in his chest “Don’t say that if its not true” she whispered, a little angrily.

“I’m fine” he lifted up her to look at him and gave her his best smile “See?”

She relaxed slighter but didn’t look much happier “You can’t charm your way out of everything” she muttered to him then leaned forward and kissed him.

He held her for a moment before letting go “I just need rest then I will be as right as rain. Not that rain has ever been right but you get the idea”

“You shouldn’t drive if you’re gonna pass out” Buffy warned.

“I can drive you” Oz offered and Willow gave him a huge thank you smile.

He stood “No, its fine. I can walk in a straight line and could count any fingers you hold up in front of me. I can drive”

“I’ll come with you” Willow said, standing too.

“Will, you have classes” Xander reminded her.

“I’ll skip them” she said quickly.

He shook his head “No. Skipping classes has to be saved for apocalypse situations. Which this is not.” he saw her expression and relented, just a little “You can walk me to my car”

She nodded and took his hand tightly in her own “I’ll see you later” she told Buffy and Oz.

They nodded.

It was only when they were outside of the library, did Willow say anything else “You really scared me back there. It was, like, you were no longer in your body. You were just sitting there like a shell. A Xander shell” she shuddered “It was horrible”

“But I’m back now. It was a blip caused by tiredness. Not to worry about”

She studied him in that way that meant she was seeing right through him “You’re lying. Something’s up”

“Okay” he admitted, finding it impossible to lie to her “The dreams have me a little, tiny bit worried. But I’ve checked with Buffy and no doom or disaster is predicted.”

“Doom or disaster never gets predicted” Willow said sadly “It just hits you out of the blue”

“Not for us. We’re way to happy”

“You’d tell me though?” she bit her lip “You wouldn’t keep stuff from me?”

Guilt washed through him “I love you Willow” he answered, choosing to avoid the question “What do you think that means?” It means, he thought, I’d do anything to protect her, even if it means a few white lies. He sighed. It was amazing how he would rationalize things that were plainly wrong.

She smiled, looked reassured “It means you’re my hero” they reached his car and she wrinkled her nose “But I have less faith in your trusty blue horse”

He laughed and kissed her again “I’ll call you tonight”

“You better” she grinned at him “Or you could come round. Buffy’s going to be patrolling again”

“Tempted” he said “But I have to check at the bar. They might want me to pull a few shifts”

She nodded “Well, be careful”

“Always. I have way too much to loose” with a final grin he climbed into his car and started the engine. He watched in his mirror as he pulled away. She stood on the sidewalk, watching him and was still there as she became as spot in the distance.

For the next few hours, he just lay on his bed and watched the ceiling do absolutely nothing. Occasionally, he changed the routine and watched the second hand move round the clock. He tried not to think of anything, to concentrate on the hypnotic tick tock or find pictures in the grey cement. Instead thoughts pushed his way through.

Jenny was his angel. He knew that. Had proof of that in the fact he was alive. Krauss was the bad guy, the evil sorcerer but Jenny had dealt with him. Well, he assumed she had. Gave him a one way ticket down. But what if she didn’t? What if like all the cliched horror movies, the bad guy was never really dead and always came back for the sequel. Krauss probably didn’t have him listed under his favorite people after last time. The last time where he had used Xander’s feelings for Willows against him. What if he got revenge on Xander by hurting Willow? Or worse. He couldn’t let that happen - he had died twice but he was more afraid of Willow getting a scratch then it ever happening again. Sometimes he wondered how you could love one person so much. How one life could be wrapped up in another persons smile.

He didn’t know. But he would protect her to the end. And longer. Forever.

And to do that, he needed answers. There was only one place to get them.

JENNY CALENDAR

That was all it said. A simple gold inscription. They were dead flowers surrounding the grave and a fresh, single red rose. Giles - Xander was surprised he still visited but perhaps none of them realised how deeply in love the uptight Watcher had been with the teacher.

He bent down and reached out with fingers that were trembling slightly to touch the letters “Jenny” he said, so softly, feeling a little stupid for talking to a grave “Jenny” he repeated, louder this time “I’m scared. I mean, I know, a dream here, a dream there - hearing a few voices, seeing a few ghosts. It doesn’t add up to much. Not in light of some of stuff that has gone down here. But - I can’t explain it. Something’s wrong. I can feel it. And its gonna get wronger” he shook his head “If I have ever needed your help, its now. Please Jenny”

Nothing happened. A soft breeze stirred the leaves in the cemetery. The sun was sinking close to the horizon, and red shot through with blue. Night came fast in Sunnydale.

“No-one’s home” Xander muttered and sat back on his heels. Okay, it had been a long shot. He knew that. But a guy could hope?

Suddenly a hand shot out of the dirt, the fingers uncurling, soil encrusted under the long nails.

Xander threw himself backwards and stared in horror “Jenny . . .” he began but as the second hand pushed its way through, Xander saw it was definitely male.

He clambered up and reached into his jacket, pulling out a stake and holding it in front of him. His breathing quickened as he eyes locked on the emerging figure “Flight or fight” he muttered And decided. Whatever was coming out of Jenny’s grave, he would fight it.

Slowly but surely, the person was pulling themselves out of the earth. He was covered in dirt and the dark suit he wore was tattered and frayed. Finally, he pushed himself fully out and stood tall.

Xander’s eyes were wide “Krauss” he began.

Edmond Krauss reached back down into the hole and pulled out a pitch black sword. Xander remembered what the watchers diaries had said - the source of his power. The key to bringing him back.

“No . . .” Xander whispered, frozen to the spot “You’re dead”

“You can’t be dead if you’ve never been alive” Krauss told him, accent thick. His swung his sword up and stepped forward “Come on, Xander. Attack me. Kill me.”

Xander sucked in a breath and held his ground “I defeated you once” he snapped.

Krauss took another step “Did you?” he taunted “Then why am I here?”

“Revenge kick?” Xander gulped.

Krauss laughed “You are a fool to the end. Perhaps its best if you do die”

“Never!” Xander shouted at him “Its not in the game plan”

“So what is?” Krauss asked “Because mine features killing everyone you know before coming after you. You’re the last to go, do you know that? You’re the key to this . . .”

“I will stop you” Xander swore vehemently “By, by -” he considered his options fast. Him stake. Evil sorcerer, big sword. He dropped the stake “Running” He turned and did just that. He hadn’t gone far when he realised he was running away from the main entrance. But he couldn’t turn back - Krauss was back. But their was a low wall, separating the cemetery from the Delta Zeppa house near him. He decided to head for that. Over the wall and then get far, far away. He needed some manpower before he could face Krauss. Or better put, he needed some Slayer power.

He risked a glance over his shoulder, as he ran but saw nothing.

And then something had grabbed his hand and was flipping him over.

Xander screamed.

Buffy stopped her stake seconds before it reached his heart. She blinked “Xander”

“Jeez, Buff! Slayers don’t kill people, remember?”

Buffy stood and offered him a hand, pulling him up “Yeah but they kill people running around this place at night” she shook her head in disgust “What are you doing here?”

“Almost dying. In more ways than one” he continued to search for the shadows and finding nothing, concentrated his attention on Buffy “And you’re kinda the exact person I needed to see. Krauss is back”

“Edmond Krauss?” Buffy asked “Guy with the sword?”

“The one and only” he confirmed “He just, er, came out of Jenny’s grave. Wants my death. Along with everyone else’s”

Buffy thought but not for long “We go to Giles. We have too. He’ll know what to do”

She started out “What about Willow?” Xander blurted “She’s not safe!”

Buffy kept walking, a Slayer with a purpose now “Its too out the way. We can get to Giles faster. You can call her from there. She’ll be okay, Xand, she’ll magic his butt if he tries anything”

“Willow” Xander said before she even had chance to get the words out “You’ve got to get to Gile’s”

He looked across where Buffy sat on the couch, watching him. Giles was doing the British solution to any problem - making tea.

“What’s wrong, Xander?” Willow was instantly alert and ready for action.

“Krauss is back, Will. He’ll be after you. Get here. Fast”

“Wait, Xand. Slow down. Explain”

“I don’t have the time. Will, if anything happens to you . . . please. Come”

Willow considered “Okay. I’ll go to Oz’s place. Get him to drive me”

“There’s no time!” Xander’s voice ripped with desperation.

“Its just round the corner” Willow insisted “If Krauss is back, we need all hands on deck. Plus, you don’t want me walking there on my own, do you?”

He closed his eyes - practical Willow. Knew all the right buttons to press “Okay. But be careful”

She was quiet a moment “You’re not the only one with things to loose Xander. Love you”

She hung up before he could answer. He nodded to Buffy “She’s on her way with Oz”

Giles came through carrying a tray with three mugs on it “And you’re sure on this?” he asked.

“Mmmm, hold on, is there any doubt in my mind? No, only sureness.”

“But he came out of Jenny’s grave?” Giles frowned “Doesn’t that strike you as strange?”

“On a scale of one to ten, him being a sorcerer, this being the Hellmouth - no. It doesn’t strike me as strange. Giles, we need a way to kill him!” Some begging entered Xander’s tone. He couldn’t explain the deep, irrational fear he felt. Krauss couldn’t catch him, he couldn’t. It would be the end.

“Destroy his sword” Giles answered without hesitation “Its his power. Its probably brought him here so logic dictates if you break it, you break the spell that lets him remain on this earth”

“But its a bad mojo sword, right?” Buffy asked, reaching for her drink “So, a simple pounding might not do it?”

“Correct” Giles said and stood “I think I may have some volumes upstairs that might contain some spells and chants we can use”

“Might and may” Xander muttered “I’m reassured”

Giles either didn’t hear or ignored him as he climbed the stairs.

Xander collapsed on the chair and put his head in his hands.

Buffy was beside him, placing her hand on his arm “Hey there” she said “Don’t worry. These are people I defeat in my sleep, remember”

He looked at her with dark eyes “Not this thing, Buffy. Not even you can kill this”

“What?”

“Death, Buffy. That’s what I saw in him. I saw the end” he didn’t realise he was shaking until Buffy gripped his hand. She pulled him forward into a hug.

Her voice whispered in his ear “I can’t defeat death, but you can Xander. When I died, you brought me back. And you brought yourself back too”

He smiled at her faith, just at her “And the other bright side is, I screwed up my death twice. Third times gotta be lucky, right?”

She held onto him tighter, her voice repeating in his ear “You’re not going to die . . .” and Xander held her back, looking past her shoulder to the mirror opposite him, on the far wall.

He blinked.

The glass was shimmering and as he stared, a flickering image appeared.

It was the Willow from his dream, the one with the short hair “Will . . .” he mouthed.

“Can you hear me Xand?” she was saying, her voice echoing as if from a long way away “Its getting dark. I can’t stay here much longer. Giles says its too dangerous. He doesn’t know. I’d hold on forever if I could just reach you. Let me in, see the truth . . .”

“Buffy” Xander said quietly, stiffening “Do you hear anything?”

She pulled back and shook her head “No. Nothing. You look pale, Xand . . .”

A stab of fear entered Xander’s heart, and something hit him with amazing clarity “Giles has been awfully long” he said, looking towards the stairs.

Buffy shrugged “So, probably got lost in his books”

Xander kept his voice firm “No. Something’s wrong!” he looked up the stairs at the dark hallway “Giles!” he shouted up “You okay?”

There was no answer. The silence stretched a little too long. The darkness up there seemed a little too black.

“GILES!” Xander shouted.

Still no reply.

Buffy pushed him back to stand at the foot of the stairs. She pulled a stake out and eyed him “Stay here” she ordered in her don’t argue with me voice. Xander was about too but he thought better about it.

Buffy climbed the stairs, her muscles tense, her senses alert and disappeared into the darkness.

Xander waited. Listened to his heart beat.

It sounded slow. Not racing. A sound echoed in his ear.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The noise seemed to come in time with each heart beat. He frowned.

“Screw this” he muttered and started up the stairs.

Until Buffy came crashing into him, thrown from above. Tangled in her, Xander fell.

“Ow” he managed as they landed at the bottom.

“Time to get off” he muttered to Buffy “Fun as this is”

There was no answer. She was motionless beside him.

Grunting Xander lifted her up, she was light in her arms for a girl with so much strength. She didn’t protest. Her head rolled dangerously about, almost as if . . . her blank eyes stared up at him. They didn’t flicker or blink. Her lips were still, slightly blue. Her chest didn’t move against his.

Xander shook her a little “Buffy, time to wake up. Wake up time”

Her head lolled to one side.

He shook her again “Buffy, come on, stop fooling!” his voice rose “Something bad’s going on, remember, you defeat it” the last word came out a strangled choke as the truth hit him like a cold shower “Buffy” he gasped.

She was dead. Neck broken. Just as Angelus has killed Jenny.

Tears dripped down his cheeks. He felt like he was going to be sick. Or scream. Or just collapse. But neither option was viable, none were going to save him or Willow. None would bring back Buffy. He could put air back into her lungs if she drowned but nothing could fix a broken neck.

He laid her down, gently. She lay there on the floor of her Watchers apartment, a beautiful statue. Somewhere, Xander thought, a girls life was about to be changed. Maybe forever. He wished her happiness “You got your peace, Buff” he said softly, crying still “Enjoy it”

He stood and turned to the stairs. Giles still might be alive up there. He had to live with that chance.

He marched over to a chest in the living room and opened up. Inside lay an array of weapons. Xander scanned them before lifting out a crossbow. It was loaded with three glistening silver bolts. He’d get Krauss before that nasty sword got anywhere near him.

He had no doubt it was Krauss who killed Buffy. It had to be.

He started up them. Took each step slowly. The silence got under his skin, grated on his nerves. Again he could hear the distance beep. The crossbow shook in his hold.

He reached the landing. Looked around. Nothing but darkness.

Rational thought told him to turn on a light. See what he was facing. But Xander didn’t want to see. He had never been able to see what was right in front of him.

The door to Giles bedroom was open. Xander took a few hesitant steps.

“Krauss!” he called “You’re going to pay for this!”

He didn’t get an answer. He hadn’t expected one.

He stood at the doorway. Pushed the door open with the tip of the crossbow. It opened with a creak.

He stepped in “Hello?” he croaked.

Darkness in front of him. As always. Blurry outlines of a bed, a wardrobe.

Positioning his crossbow in one hand, he reached out and fumbled for the light switch.

Light filled the room, illuminating a body on the bed. Emphasis on body.

A slow pool of blood spread out under Giles.

He had a hole in his chest. Killed, in the same place Xander himself had been stabbed.

Xander gagged.

Jenny stood on the other side. Looking down at her beloved, she lightly stroked his hair “You did this” she told him softly “All this is from you” she turned to face him. She looked - haunted.

Krauss was beside her “You’re the key” he added.

Xander reacted almost instantly. The crossbow bolt was flying for his heart. Krauss made no move to dodge it. It flew into his chest and passed right through. With a thud it buried itself into the wall.

Xander dropped the crossbow. Backed up. And hit the door.

He hadn’t closed it. Of that he was damn sure.

“You’re the key to this” Krauss spoke quietly. Without a trace of a German accent “You’ve got to wake up and see this for what it is”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” he snapped angrily “But I won’t let you get away with it!”

“You don’t get it!” Jenny sounded angry “We’re doing nothing. We’re you! See it, Xander.”

“You’re so close” Krauss added.

“WHO ARE YOU?!” Xander shouted at him.

Krauss showed a smile. As it had in his dream, Krauss’s face twisted again but it took Xander’s brain a second to realise who he was looking at. Himself.

Xander dropped down to his knees, unable to hold himself up “No . . . this is a trick. I won’t listen to it!” he covered his ears with his hands. Screwed himself up into a tight ball.

“Then listen to me” Warm hands covered his. Pulled them gently down.

Willows beautiful green eyes looked into his - the same but different too. The girl in the mirror. In the looking glass.

“That’s right Xander” she said “I’m Alice. This is all wonderland”

He shook his head “I don’t understand”

She ran a hand through his hair “Yeah you do”

He was crying “No . . . you’re not Willow. You’re not! Krauss, he’s just casting a spell, he has some kind of plan but I won’t fall for it. I won’t” he was babbling. Buffy was dead. Giles was gone. He was seeing monsters and angels and doppelgangers.

Tears glistened in her eyes “I am Willow. Wonderlands a great place but its not real. You must understand that, its not real” her voice was urgent, laced with fear and something else, a deeper emotion. Love.

“No” he said, voice strong through tears “You’re crazy! Or I am. I don’t get any of this . . .”

“Then don’t. Just look into your heart. Do you see me?”

Mutely, he nodded. Willow was all he saw. He loved her so much.

She nodded “You loved me enough to create this. I know that. You don’t have to be afraid, Xander. Come through the looking glass and you can have my love for real”

He stared at her, lost and confused. But her words held a power, they spoke to a part of him. In the distance he heard a knock at the door.

Willow! His Willow!

In a sudden burst of anger and fear, Xander threw her off him. He was up and pulling open the door. He charged down the stairs and threw open the front door.

Willow, his wonderful loving Willow with her long red hair stood in front of him. She was breathless and tearful “Oz!” she gasped at Xander “Krauss - Krauss killed him!”

Xander barely heard. He grabbed her hand and pulled her along “Run” he shouted “We have to get out of here!”

She let him pull her along, crying a little “Xander, I’m scared!”

They were running along the street. It was a main road, and not that late but both the roads and the sidewalks were empty. None of the houses has lights on. None of them.

Xander began to slow, looking round. It was almost like the world was empty. Except him and Willow. They were the only ones left - Krauss had destroyed everything else that was important.

But not Krauss. That wasn’t the face he saw.

Beside him, Willow panted “Xand, he’ll come after us next. He killed Oz. And Buffy!”

Xander stopped dead. His head turned to her “How did you know that?” he asked.

She gripped his hand and gulped “I - I saw . . . you said . . .”

“I said nothing!” he replied “You couldn’t of seen anything” he paused “How did you know Krauss killed Oz? You never saw him to know what he looked like” he stopped, realization hit him “Only I did”

“Please” she was sobbing “Xander, if we just get out of here, it will be alright. We can be together. Please Xander. We’ve got to go!” she tugged at his hand.

He remained still, thinking “It all came from me . . .” he murmured and looked round the streets that were not just deserted but empty “I’m the key”

And then he knew.

Willow dropped his hand. “I love you” she whispered “Don’t do this”

Xander turned to face the way they had come.

There, illuminated by streetlights were three figures. Jenny. Krauss.

And the second Willow, the one he kept seeing. The voice he had heard in the library, asking him to come back. The Alice who had followed him to wonderland.

In front of him, the figures melted into one and just Willow stood there.

His Willow clung to him.

“Its not real” he said loudly “I died in the cemetery with Buffy”

The Alice Willow stepped forward “You never died. You went into a coma, Xander. You’ve been under for three months. I’d almost lost hope -” her voice broke “Then I found this spell. It was dangerous but I had to try anything” she smiled “You created a whole Sunnydale where we could be together. Where I never went back to Oz after the fluke. But you made it so perfect, you didn’t want to come back. I didn’t know how to reach you, how to make you see . . .”

“Xander!” his Willow tried to turn his face to look at her “Don’t! Its all craziness! Why would you want to be in a Sunnydale where I’m with Oz! I love you. We can still be together!”

He looked down at her and his face trembled. He stroked her hair “Will, its not real!”

“It is!” she cried “It is to me! I love you!”

“I love him too” the second Willow said, still from far away “And that’s real. He may not have it to touch, he may not have me in his arms but he has that love in his heart. He always did.”

Xander nodded. Carefully, he pulled out of her hold. He leaned down and kissed her “Wonderlands a nice place to visit but I can’t live here”

She stepped back and nodded. Peace descended on her face “I’ll be here, if you need me”

His smile was soft “I know. You always were. I love you”

She smiled again, a ghost one and then it was just him and the other Willow. The real Willow.

“Its really been three months?” he asked.

She held out a hand  “For me, it was eternity” she confessed.

He walked forward “How did you know I would hear you?”

“Because when I fell into this place, I heard you and it brought me back.” she laughed “It took me a few hours. You were always a little slower”

He reached her and looked at her outstretched hand “Hey!” he protested “I got there in the end” he took  her hand.

Her fingers curled round his “We’ll get there too, Xand”

Xander felt the familiar rush of blackness. He let it come.

But, this time, it wasn’t descending on him, he was rising above it . . .

He opened his eyes and saw her. Of course. His lips stretched into a smile.

It hurt. It felt like he was using muscles he hadn’t used in a long time. Which he was.

Willow looked tired, bags under her eyes but her returning smile, though weak, lit up her whole face “Hey stranger” she whispered.

“Hey” he replied and looked round.

The off cream walls had to be Sunnydale Hospital. His eyes went to a machine, attached to his arm. Beeping softly. He returned to her, unable to stay away for long “How do I know this is real?”

She kissed him “Does that feel real?” she asked.

He considered “Not sure. Can we do another test?” he grinned at her.

She burst into tears and fell into his arms “Xander, I can’t believe how close I came to loosing you!”

His arms encircled her and it had to be real because it felt so right “Its okay. I’m back now.”

She nodded fiercely “I know. Oh God, I love you so much. Everything’s going to be okay now . . .”

He silenced her with a finger on her lips “Ssssh. Don’t say that. There’s no guarantee things are going to be alright. There never is”

Her eyes were wide. She stared at him without understanding.

“I love you Will. You can guarantee that”

“I love you too!” she wept.

After that, things were a blur. There was a sobbing Buffy, confused doctors and nurses with needles. There was Giles with chocolate, Oz with a welcome home silence - even his parents.

Xander saw them all and at the same didn’t see them at all.

The only real thing he knew was that Willows hand was in his.

And she never let go.

The End