Knight in shining armor

Rating: Pg-13

Timeline: Future. Call it end of season 7.

Distribution: Anyone who's already got my stuff is welcome to this as well. If anyone else actually wants it, I'd be tickled pink to hear about it. 

Spoilers: None

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the song, and I'm not making any money off this.

****

<Just do it,> I told myself. <Just go in there and do it.
You know you want to. You have to. Please? For me?>

That did it. Being reduced to begging myself was enough to  get me over the horrible fear and uncertainty. The gaping  pit of dread that had replaced my stomach was still there,  but a girl can't have everything, right? I knocked on the door of Xander's apartment.

I knew he was home, but I was still shocked when he opened the door. For a second, my brain shut down, but then the part of me that insisted I go through with this once and for all kicked in, and I knew I could do it.

Then Xander smiled at me, and I completely lost my resolve.

"Hey, Will," he said. "How be things with you?" His voice seemed a little off, but I wasn't listening closely enough to tell why. My brain was frozen again, fixating on his smile.

<If you tell him and this doesn't work out, you'll never see that smile again. Can you risk that? Can you?>

I couldn't. I just couldn't. I had to be Xander's friend, even if I couldn't be more. "I'm, uh, fine," I said, trying to sound cheerful and normal while my heart was breaking all over again inside my chest. "Can I come in?"

It was past dusk, so instead of saying yes, Xander just stood back from the door to give me room. I marched in and turned to look at him. He was still smiling, but like his voice, it seemed wrong somehow.

"Come on in to the living room," he said, and led the way. When we got there, I saw that things were obviously set up for a movie night. Popcorn on the coffee table, cheesy chips on the couch within easy reach. There was nothing to drink, but I knew from experience that Xander would leave the drinks in the fridge until the last minute to keep them cold.

<Anya,> I realized. <He's going to watch movies with Anya.>

They'd been getting better, back to being friends. I knew Xander was happy with the way things were going with her. He'd told me he was hoping they could give it another go.  It looked like Anya wanted that, too, or at least that she wasn't violently opposed to the idea. I didn't like the fact  that she was still a demon, but I wasn't in any position to  be casting stones, when you got right down to it.
 

<What right do I have to break them up? What right do I have to feel this way at all?> My distress must have showed on my face.

"Will," Xander asked softly, concern in his eyes. "You all right? Are you having the dreams again? Is that it?" His voice became even softer, more caring.

The dreams. I still had them sometimes, though not as often as the months right after Tara's death. God, Tara. Xander had been so good since she died. He'd been there for me every morning that I couldn't get out of bed, and every night that I couldn't get to sleep. Buffy and Dawn and Giles and even Anya had been huge helps, too, but mostly it was Xander who got me through it. And now I was going to do my best to ruin his chance for happiness with Anya.

Could I do that to them? To him? Could I tell Xander how I felt on the off chance that he loved me?

<He does love me,> I assured myself. <You know he does. He always has, and he always will. The question is, is having him love you as a friend enough?>

God help me, it wasn't. Having Xander as a friend was
wonderful. His friendship and love had saved me. Had saved the whole world *from* me. But it wasn't enough anymore. I had to at least try for more. I had to know if he could love me the way I now realized I loved him.Had always loved him. Would always love him.

<And if he says no?>

Then he said no. I would deal with that heartbreak when it came. The one thing I could count on was that Xander would still be my friend, no matter what. If that was all I could have from him, I'd have to make it be enough. Somehow.

I realized I'd been standing there thinking for too long without answering Xander's question. He was starting to look really worried. I smiled at him to try and reassure him. It wasn't much of a smile - shaky, uncertain, afraid - but it was the best I could muster.

"I'm okay," I said, and Xander relaxed a little bit. He was still worried, though. "I have something to tell you," I went on, before he could interrupt with a question.

"Okay," he said warily. "Shoot."

I shook my head. "Not like this. Sit down, okay?"

He just stood there for a second, then shrugged and sat down on the couch. I started pacing on the other side of the coffee table, trying to find the words.

"Will, please tell me what's going on. You're scaring me."

I stopped and looked at him. He was definitely scared for me. I felt horrible, putting him through this. But I had to know. Tonight.

"Don't worry, Xander. Really. I'm okay. I'm just... worried. About how you'll take what I'm about to tell you."

Now he seemed offended. "You can tell me anything you need to, Will. You know that."

I nodded. "I do. I do know that. But this is different. But I'm going to tell you anyway." That seemed to mollify him, and I went on. "First, though, you have to promise me something. Promise me you won't interrupt me. This is going to be hard enough as it is. Promise me you won't ask me any questions or say anything until I tell you it's okay."

He wanted to start asking questions already, I could tell, but instead he just nodded solemnly. "I promise, Will. Anything for  you."

<Oh, I hope you really mean that, Xander.>

Aloud, I said, "Okay, first of all, I'm sorry to come over and ruin your night with Anya like this. I really am, but this can't  wait any longer."

"Anya?" Xander asked in confusion. "Oh," he began, but I cut him  off.

"Please, Xander," I pleaded, and I could feel tears welling up  in my eyes. "I can't do this if you talk. I can't!"

He started to get up, probably to comfort me, but I backed away  and held my hand up. I tried to put on a Resolve Face, but I doubt  it was very convincing. It did the job, though, because he sat  down and held his hands out towards me, making those little calm  down motions he always does when I start to lose control.

"Okay, okay!" he promised. "No more talking. I'll tell you later."  He was definitely scared now. I could see it in his eyes.

"Thank you," I whispered, wiping at my own eyes. "And it's okay,  Xander, it really is. Or I hope it will be, anyway." I started to  go on, to tell him, but then a horrible thought occurred to me.  "Anya!" I blurted. "Is she coming over right now?" That was all  I needed.

Xander started to speak, then closed his mouth and just shook  his head slowly.

I giggled a little bit. Hysteria, more than anything else. "Okay. We have a few minutes, at least?"

He nodded. My laughing seemed to calm him down, but he was still worried.

"Okay," I said again, more to myself than to him. I had to say it. I turned to face him and took a deep breath and just said it.

"I'm in love with you."

Xander just stared at me. Not exactly the reaction I'd been hoping for, but at least he didn't laugh. I waited a few  seconds for his expression to change, but it stayed the same.  Stunned incomprehension.

Naturally, I started to babble.

"It's a surprise, I know," I told him. "For me, too, believe me. Well, not really, since it's been building up for a long time now. But at first I thought it was just a reaction to Tara dying, and to the way you helped me through it."

Xander blinked. I decided to take that as a good sign, and  continued my yammering.

"You were perfect, Xander. Still are. I never would've gotten through it if you hadn't been there. Well, I mean, even assuming I hadn't tried to, you know, blow up the world and everything, even if I'd just gone nuts in a halfway normal fashion, you were the only thing that made me sane again. You're the only reason I can think about her without bawling my eyes out. You're the only reason I can even think about falling in love again."
 

Xander blinked again, and his mouth opened. I wasn't sure if he was actually going to speak or not, but I hurried on to interrupt him.

"I know what you're going to say. It's only been a year. How can I be over Tara? I'm not over her, Xander. I never will be. I love her now, just like I did when she was alive. But I love you, too, the same way I love Tara. I can't explain it, but it's true. I love you. I love you so much."

Xander shifted in his seat. He was definitely about to say something this time. His eyes were confused, and his hand
came up as if to underscore what he was going to say. I  gestured to him to be quiet. I had to make him understand.

"No talking. Please? I have to get this all out. And to answer what I assume was your question, yes, I really loveyou. This isn't just a crush because of how much you helped me. How much you still help me. I understand why you might think it's just a crush. You're my best friend, and I used to be crazy about you, and you were there for me when I needed you after Tara died. Me falling for you now is like a cliché or something. You're like the knight in shining armor who rode in to rescue me from all the bad things. Or who rode in to rescue the whole world from the bad things I tried to do, for that matter. You've always been my knight, really. That's how I've always thought of you, in case you didn't know. You've always been there for me, no matter what. I think that's why I fell in love with you in the first place, all those years ago."

I smiled, remembering the way things used to be. Then I shook my head to clear it and went on. "And that's why I fell in love with you again. But it's not just a school-girl crush this time. It isn't. This is the real thing, Xander, I swear to you. I really love you. For all sorts of reasons. I love you because you hold me when I need to cry. I love you because you give me space when I need to be alone. I love you because you always make sure Tara's grave is clean, just like you do with Joyce's. You thought I didn't know that, but I do, and I love you for it. I love you because you help Dawn with her homework, even though you never did your own. I love you because you make Buffy laugh until milk shoots out of her nose. I love you because you help all of us. Because you're the best person I know, and you've been part of me since I was five years old. Most of all I love you because I'm Willow and you're Xander, and it just seems like the
two of us loving each other is the way things are supposed to be. I love you because I can't not love  you, not even if I try, and I don't want to try."

I stopped and caught my breath. Xander stayed silent, which  had to be a bad sign. His eyes were still full of confusion,  which was even worse. My heart plummeted.

"Okay," I said shakily, looking away from his eyes. I suddenly found the hem of my shirt extremely interesting. I started to twist it as I went on. "Obviously, you weren't ready to hear that. I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not sorry for loving you, but I'm sorry to dump it all on you like this.  No," I went on, sensing he was about to speak, "don't say  anything.  It's okay. I hope it'll be okay, at least. Promise
me something, though, Xander. Promise me two things." I looked up into his eyes again.

Our eyes locked for what felt like forever, then he nodded. I sighed in relief.

"Promise me we'll make this okay," I pleaded. "And promise me you won't call me until tomorrow. I'm going to leave now, and we both need to think about this before we talk about it. So promise me that you won't call until tomorrow,  and promise me that we'll still be friends after we talk  about it. Can you promise me that?"

He thought about it for all of two seconds, though it seemed like an eternity. "I promise, Will. Yeah, I need to think about this, but I promise we'll always be friends, no matter what."

I closed my eyes against the pain. It was obvious he didn't feel the same way I did. I turned and ran for the door. Xander  didn't even get up to see me out.

***

By the time I got back to the house, I'd managed to force  myself into an optimistic mood. Xander had just been surprised,  that was all. He'd think about it and he'd realize I was right.  He'd realize we belonged together. I didn't believe a word of  it, but making myself think that way kept me from crying.

"Hello?" I called out. "Anyone home?"

No answer. I walked into the kitchen and found the expected note on the refrigerator. Buffy had taken Dawn out to dinner and a movie, that new one with Hugh Jackman and Jack Black.They wouldn't be home until late.

"Fine," I said too cheerfully. "I'll be fine alone. I could use some alone time. Like I told Xander, I should think about this."

<Right,> my inner voice replied. <You need to think about this some more. Because lord knows, you haven't spent every waking moment thinking about it for the past few months.>

"Shut up," I told myself as I started to fix dinner.

I don't even remember what I had. I don't remember much of anything about that night. All I remember doing is lying on my bed in the dark, trying very hard not to think about  Xander. Trying very hard not to think about how I'd feel  if he broke my heart. When he broke my heart.

The night passed very slowly. I didn't come out of my room when I heard Buffy and Dawn get home. They must've thought I was either already asleep or staying with my parents or Xander, because they didn't come in to say goodnight. That was fine by me.

It wasn't until five minutes past midnight that I started to cry. It took me a while to understand why, but then it hit me.

Xander hadn't called. I know it's stupid, but some part of me, the little girl inside of me that had always loved  Xander, had expected him to call at exactly 12:01, as soon as it was officially tomorrow, to tell me he loved me, too. To give me the fairy tale ending where we lived happily ever after. But he hadn't called. Because he didn't love me the way I needed him to.

<So much for the knight in shining armor,> I thought as I cried myself to sleep.
 

***

When I woke up, my eyes were still red and sore from crying. I reached over to turn off the alarm, wondering why I'd
bothered to set it, and why exactly I should get out of bed.

Then I remembered. The lecture. I was TA-ing for Professor Winthrop, and he'd asked me to take over the make-up lecture for him. I had a sneaking suspicion it was mostly because he didn't want to come in on a Saturday, but I'd still
leapt at the chance.

I didn't much feel like leaping at the moment. "Yippee," I griped as I stumbled out of bed into the bathroom. I
tried very hard not to think about Xander, but that never  works. I spent ten minutes of crying and feeling sorry
for myself, then ruthlessly cut off my emotions.

<I'm not going to think about him today. Tomorrow is soon enough. Not today.>

That didn't work too well, either, but it lasted all the way into breakfast. Not half bad, when you think about it.
I made it to the kitchen and grumbled when I saw another note  from Buffy on the refrigerator. She and Dawn were out doing  something or other. She didn't say what, just that they'd be  away all day.

"Great," I muttered. "All my friends are deserting me." Since when did either of those two get up before noon on
a Saturday? I was okay, though. I didn't need them. I could get through breakfast by myself.

It wasn't until I was smearing light butter onto my bagel that I started to cry again. Xander always made fun of my
light butter. "Butter's supposed to be one hundred percent  fat, Will. That's the whole point! You're robbing it of its
role in life, woman!"

I had to laugh at the memory of how outraged he always sounded when I'd drag out what he insisted on calling the
impostor butter. The laugh died in my throat when I realized I wouldn't be joking with Xander like that for a long time.
Maybe not ever again.

<No,> I reassured myself. <We're still friends. It'll be weird for a while, but we're still friends. Best friends.
Xander knows what it's like to be on the bad side of a confession like this. He would never let it ruin us.>

I knew I was right, but it still didn't help much. Xander was my best friend, and I'd loved him as a friend all my
life. I'd loved him as more than a friend for almost as long, and I'd managed to get over that part of the love
once before. I just wasn't sure I could do that again. I wasn't sure I could be just a friend to him anymore. I
wasn't sure of anything.

<Stop it. He's your friend. You're his friend. That's a wonderful thing, and you'd better get used to it, because
that's all you get. Can you live with that?>

No, I decided, but I wiped away my tears, gathered my things, and set out for the lecture hall.

***

As much as I hadn't wanted to go to class, it turned out to be just what I needed. That shouldn't have surprised
me. Schoolwork has always been an escape for me, and this was even better. I had to pay attention the entire time,
to give the lecture and answer questions. I didn't have much opportunity to think about Xander. It helped so much.
I resolved then and there to become a teacher of some sort.  If I was going to have to live the rest of my life without
Xander, I'd need all the distractions I could get.

Inevitably, the lecture ended. I smiled and said goodbye to everyone, but inside, my heart sank. I didn't have anything at all to do for the rest of the day. Normally, I'd have plenty of options. Buffy or Dawn were always up for some fun, or I could go to the Magic Shop. But Buffy and Dawn were nowhere to be found, and if I went to the Magic Shop I'd see Anya. Anya, who was getting back together with Xander.

I didn't cry for long. Just a few minutes. Luckily, there was no one else waiting for the room, or I'd have had some
embarrassing explaining to do. I dried my eyes and gathered  my things to leave.

The first thing I saw when I opened the door was Anya, leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the hallway.

"Oh, good," she said, "I did have the right room." Her eyes flickered up to mine, and I knew she saw that I'd been crying, but she didn't say anything.

"Anya?" I asked stupidly. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the Magic Shop?" She always opened
up at nine on Saturdays, since one of her best customers liked to come in before lunch.

Anya shook her head. "We're closed today."

Anya had closed the shop? Immediately, I started to panic. "What's wrong? Some kind of emergency, right?
Is it the Hellmouth? Or those radioactive zombies again?"

She smiled and said, "No, nothing like that. Everything's fine." Her smile went away as she said, "It's Xander."

I closed my eyes against the care and affection in her voice. Of course. She was here to make sure I stayed away
from her man. I sighed and said, "It's okay, Anya. He's made it clear that he wants you, not me."

She was silent for a moment, then said, "We broke up."

My eyes snapped open. "What?" I demanded.

She half-smiled. "Well, not broke up so much as never got back together again."

"I... I don't understand. You two were doing great together!"

"Yes, we were, but not the way we used to. We're still friends. Better friends than before, I think, but that's all we're going to be." She looked directly into my eyes and said, "There's someone else he'd rather be with."

<Me! Let it be me!> Aloud, I said, "What do you mean?" very carefully, not letting any of the suddenly reborn
hope I felt into my voice.

Anya heard it anyway. She just smiled and said, "Walk with me."

She led me out onto the quad and waved towards the corner of the building. I looked over there and saw a group of students laughing and pointing at something out of sight.

Buffy and Dawn marched around the corner in perfect step with each other. They were each wearing the most ridiculous get-up I'd ever seen -  weird shoes, tunics and tights, and  funky hats with feathers. Dawn was smiling as they walked towards Anya and me. Buffy wasn't smiling, and I could tell she was muttering to herself about how stupid she looked.

I looked at Anya, hoping for an explanation. She just smiled and said, "I won the coin toss." I looked back to Buffy and Dawn.

Buffy stopped griping and gave me a big smile when she and Dawn stopped in front of us. I gave her a weak wave,
still trying to catch up. Buffy unrolled a scroll I hadn't noticed and cleared her throat theatrically.

"Hear ye, hear ye," she called out, looking around to make sure everyone in the vicinity was paying attention. She
needn't have worried. "This is to be a public proclamation. You are all witnesses, and from here you shall spread the
word far and wide, that all may know the truth!" She turned and bowed her head to Dawn.

Dawn unrolled her own scroll with a flourish and began to read. "Be it known, from this day forward, that Alexander Harris is in love with Willow Rosenberg!" She paused to wink and smile at me.

I barely noticed. I was trying very hard to convince myself that I'd heard her right. <Xander loves me. Xander loves me. Xander...>

My legs started to give way, but Anya caught me. I looked up at her in disbelief, and she nodded. "He loves you."

My heart felt like it was dancing a jig inside my chest. I squealed and hugged Anya, then turned back to Dawn. I gestured frantically for her to go on, ignoring all the smiling and laughing people who were watching.

Dawn wiped at a tear in her eye, then said, "We were gonna put more on the scroll, but Xander decided he'd rather tell you in person."

We all looked at the corner Buffy and Dawn had come from.  For a long, long moment, nothing happened. Then Xander appeared.

He was riding a horse. He was dressed in plate armor. The horse was beautiful, black as midnight with silver panoply.
It walked as if it knew it was the center of attention. For everyone else, maybe it was, but I had eyes only for Xander.

Amazing. That was the only word for the way he looked. Well, maybe not the only word. Gorgeous would also have fit. His armor shone brighter than the sun, and as he rode the horse towards us, he looked like a god entering battle.

Okay, that might be a bit much. Let's go back to gorgeous. He looked better than I'd ever seen him, and that's saying
a lot. He wasn't wearing a helmet, and his hair was waving in the breeze. His smile was wider than I'd ever seen, and
his eyes were ablaze with love. Love for me. He laughed in delight when he caught my eye, and snapped the reins to make the horse move faster.

I couldn't wait. I ran to meet him, and he reached down and pulled me up into the saddle in front of him. There was so much I had to say, but I couldn't think of the words. There was only one thing I could think to do.

He must've felt the same, because our lips met halfway. The crowd cheered as we kissed, but I barely heard them. I was kissing Xander. Nothing else registered.

"I love you," he whispered when we broke the kiss. He leaned his forehead against mine and stared into my eyes.
 

"I love you," I told him, not even trying to fight the tears I could feel forming in my eyes. Xander kissed them away as
soon as they started to fall. I clutched at him and he held me for a long time.  It wasn't all that comfortable, leaning
against his armor, but I didn't care. Xander loved me. Nothing else mattered.

Eventually, I looked up into his eyes. "How...?" I asked, unable to finish the thought.

He laughed and kissed me again before answering. "Long story,"  he said. "But," he went on, forestalling my glare, "there's a short form. Anya knows a guy who jousts at all the Renaissance fairs on the west coast. He buys magic charms to help him win, or something. I didn't ask for details when she came up with the plan."

"This was Anya's idea?" I couldn't believe it.

"Yeah," Xander said. "Well, mostly. Putting Buffy and Dawn in the page costumes was my idea."

I laughed. "I should have known."

He nodded. "Yep. But yeah, Anya's idea. My plan was to just kick down your door at one minute past midnight. The girls thought it lacked a certain romantic panache."

"I'd have to agree," I said. "Though I wouldn't have last night."

He winced. "I'm sorry, hon. I wanted it to be a big gesture.  I should've thought of how you felt, but Buffy, Dawn and Anya were so excited by all this that I kinda got caught up in it."

"All three of them? How long were they all in on it?"

"Since about forty-five seconds after you left last night. I jumped on the phone and rallied the troops. They all showed
up about twenty minutes later. You must've just missed seeing Buffy and Dawn on your way home."

"I guess so, yeah." I laughed, and then, for some reason, all of a sudden remembered where we were. I was sitting on a horse with Xander, surrounded by gawking students. "Uh, Xander?" I asked. "Could we maybe go somewhere else for awhile? I think we've got some stuff to talk about."

He nodded. "Yeah, we do. Short form, though, before we do the long form. When you came over last night, Anya had just left after giving me the 'let's just be friends' speech." He nodded at the look in my eyes. "Yeah, hit me pretty hard. But when I thought about it, I knew she was right. I love her, but I'm not in love with her anymore. I'm in love with someone else."

"Me?" I asked, just to hear him answer.

"You," he said, laughing at the delight in my eyes. "Only problem was, I had no idea how you felt. I was thinking about
whether or not to tell you when you came over. That's why I was acting so weird even before you dropped the bomb on me."

"Makes sense," I said. "Actually, it all makes a lot of sense. I guess the short form's enough. We don't need the long form talk at all, really. What should we do instead, do you think?"

"We could kiss," Xander suggested hopefully.

"Yes," I said. "Yes, we could."

So we did

The End