Finally

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB, I've just borrowed them for a while.

“I always imagined we’d be friends forever. I never thought our friendship would disintegrate, but it did.

Our friendship survived kindergarten, junior high and most of high school. For fourteen years you were my best friend, the person I turned to when I needed support. The person who made me smile when I felt down, you were the only person who lighted up my dismal life. I thought we’d be friends forever, how wrong could I have been.

When we found out the truth about Sunnydale our friendship changed. We lost Jesse, but we made a new friend, a friend who literally made our lives hell. Buffy. Buffy changed our friendship more than anyone or anything had changed it in the past. She gave you the opportunity to talk to her about things you couldn’t talk to me about. She gave me the opportunity to lust, but hey I was a sixteen-year-old teenager, what else did you expect from me?

We stopped talking. Well we talked, but we didn’t ‘talk’. I missed you. You seemed to move away from me. I moved away from you. Looking back, I wish I could change it but I know I can’t. It was supposed to happen. Basically we grew up. The friendship that had been central to our lives, the most important thing, crumbled. Slowly at first, then as the distance between us grew, the decay escalated until there was no chance of repair. We were no longer inseparable we made new friends, we found love elsewhere.

You found Oz, and I found Cordy. For a while we were happy. Well you were happy. I could tell. Your beautiful emerald eyes lit up with happiness when you spoke about Oz. I was happy for you, for the first time the Willow I knew existed inside was beginning to surface, you were beginning to show other’s just how special you were. In a way I was jealous, because I understood that I was no longer the only person who could see how special you were, you were finally sharing yourself with someone else, and it wasn’t me.

I didn’t see the changes in our friendship Willow. I didn’t recognise the decay, because I always took our friendship for granted. I expected it to survive anything. I didn’t realise I had to care and cherish it, just as you would a plant, or an animal. I’m sorry but I took you and our friendship for granted, I always expected you to be there for me, just as I hoped to be always there for you. But we changed; our friendship changed and there was no going back, Will. Only forward, and that meant that we were striking new territory where our friendship would never be as innocent and honest as it once was.

When you and Buffy went to College I was left behind. I know you didn’t mean to leave me behind, but you did. I was isolated from you, from Buffy. My friends and my security had moved on, to a new adventure, without me. I understood, but I didn’t understand where our friendship was, or where it was heading. So I did what I always do so well, I ran from the situation, avoiding you, and avoiding what was left of our friendship.

Do you realise, you’re the only person who truly understood me. I’ve never let anyone get as close as you did, and I don’t think I will ever let anyone get that close again, because losing a friendship that was as special as ours is something I can never ever go through again. Losing you was like losing a part of myself, the part that always had the sensible answer, the part that kept me in check, the part that gave me hope, happiness and love.

Thank you for loving me. I’m sure without your love I would never have grown up to become the man I am today. Thank you Willow for showing me how to love, how to grow how to be a friend. Those were the most important skills you gave me and I promise, I’ll hold them close to my heart forever. Just as you will hold an important part of my heart, I promise to never forget you.

I’m sorry Willow. Sorry for not being there when you needed me. For not being there that night, the night you, Buffy and Giles were attacked. Where was I? I was with Anya, trying to forget about my friends, trying to find a replacement, someone to fill the emptiness and loneliness in my life. I succeeded in forgetting about my responsibilities, not only to Sunnydale, but also more importantly to my friends. Forgetting my friends that night, is something I’m never going to forgive myself for. If I had been there, maybe I could have done something. Anything. Maybe I might have been able to stop the attack. But that’s something I’ll never know the answer to.

I hope you can forgive me Will. I’m sorry. I should have been there for you, when you needed me most. Not being there will be something I will regret for the rest of my life.

Wherever you are Will, I hope you’re happy. One day I hope to see you again, to apologise for everything that I ever did to hurt you and our friendship. To apologise for not being the best friend I could have been. When I close my eyes at night Will, you’re the last person I see. Your smile relaxes my heart Will and for a few hours I can be happy again.

I’ll miss you Will, every day will be hard without you but I’ll always have our memories, our friendship. I will remember you because you’ll always be My Willow. My best friend.”

Xander gently placed the bunch of roses on Willow’s grave. His brown eyes brimming with tears, as he read the inscription on the tombstone.

	a ~ f	g ~ l	m ~ r	s ~ z
		Shimmer	Sairs' fic