Finally

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB, I've just borrowed them for a while.

That’s a question I’ve contemplated several times in my life, but I’ve never truly found the answer.

I believe friendship is having someone to share your secrets with. Someone you enjoy spending time with. As a child it can easily be defined as having someone to play with, but as you grow older friendship can change. It can wither and die or grow stronger than any other relationship.

When I was four, I was a lonely child. Lost in a world of books. My parents loved me, but they didn’t really understand how to relate to a child. They gave me knowledge, rather than helping me to develop relationships with other children. They drew me into a world of adults as soon as I could talk.

For the first four years of my life, I was encapsulated in a world where conversations were built on books that had been read, current affairs, or the latest topic my mother was researching. There was no room for laughter or play, only seriousness. I didn’t understand what toys were. Yes I had dolls and stuffed animals, but I didn’t know how to play, no one had ever taught me, until I met you. . . .

I sat in the corner watching the other children. They seemed happy, painting, playing and enjoying each other’s company.

As I looked around, I thought how strange this place was. I had never been anywhere with so many children or toys. I was nervous, frightened even. Scared that I wouldn’t fit in. I had always been accepted by adults, but children were different.

The teacher, Miss Jones, smiled at me. I smiled back. She seemed really nice, she had taken time to speak to me, encouraging me to play with the other children. But I had spotted the book corner, filled with more books than I had ever seen in one place before. Unless you counted the book store. I eagerly left the hubbub of children behind for the safety of books, where I could lose myself into a world of mystical adventures, where the Princess was rescued by her Prince Charming.

I found my favourite book, Cinderella and began to read. As I read my surroundings faded and I was lost in the magical fairytale world.

I didn’t notice your arrival, or sense you watching me until you came over and spoke.

I raised my eyes from the page to look at you for the first time. Your chocolate brown eyes met mine. Your dark brown hair was slightly mussed, and your mouth turned into a small smile.

"Hello," I replied, unsure why you would want to speak to me when there were so many other children to talk and play with. But somewhere deep down inside I knew that you would be special to me.

"I’m Willow Sarah Rosenberg," I replied politely, just as my parents had taught me.

"Willow." You said. I liked the way you said my name, no one had ever said my name like that before. "It’s a very pretty name," you added.

I smiled, enjoying the fact that someone was talking to me. "Alexander is a nice name too, but you don’t really look like an Alexander. I think you should be called. . . ." I thought for a moment. "Xander" I stated proudly.

You looked puzzled. My heart sank as I thought I’d hurt you. I felt tears well up in the corner of my eyes. Just as I was about to cry, a huge grin lit up your face.

"No one has ever given me a new name before. Xander," you practiced your new name "Xander. I like it. Willow, will you be my friend?" you asked hopefully.

I sat on the floor at your house watching you dance. Well, you thought you were dancing. Your parents had invited me over for Christmas. My parents had agreed, giving them an opportunity to spend time with other adults, without their four year old daughter interfering.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the way you danced. Your hips and arms slightly out of sync with the rhythm of the music. You wore a pair of Snoopy shades and tried your best to emulate the Snoopy Dance. That was the night the tradition started and the night I fell in love with you.

When the music ended you sat down next to me. I had difficulty seeing you as the tears of laughter streamed from my eyes. "Thank you," I giggled, "for making me laugh."

You smiled, "I can’t believe you haven’t seen the Snoopy dance before. It’s on every Christmas."

"We don’t celebrate Christmas, we have Hanukkah." I stated simply, a little confused as to why I couldn’t celebrate both.

"Oh." You looked puzzled. "Well I got you a Christmas present. If you don’t celebrate Christmas, do you think I could have your Christmas present?" you asked hopefully.

"Alexander LaVelle Harris." Your mother’s voice surprised us both as she walked into the living room. "You can not ask Willow for her Christmas present. You bought it for her, even though she doesn’t celebrate Christmas, you are still allowed to give her a present."

You thought about it for a minute, then nodded your head. "Can I give it to her now?" You asked your mother eagerly.

"No. You will both have to wait until the morning. Now come on, it’s getting late and I know two children who will be really tired in the morning if they don’t go and get some sleep."

We looked at each other and smiled. We were going to spend our first Christmas day together.

I looked in the mirror. I smiled at my reflection. I was wearing my new Tigger Footie pyjamas and your Mom had carefully braided my hair. I left the safety of the bathroom and entered your room.

Your room was filled with toys and games, they were scattered on the floor and table. You hadn’t learned yet how to tidy up after yourself and you still haven’t! You sat on your bed in your Batman pyjamas with your favourite stuffed dog tucked under your arm. You grinned as I entered. This was our first official sleep over.

I walked over to your bed and sat next to you. We waited patiently for your Mom to come and tuck us in for the night.

A couple of minutes later the door opened and she walked in, smiling as she saw us perched on the edge of the bed waiting patiently.

She hurried over to the bed and pulled back your Scooby Doo duvet cover and waited for us to climb into bed. I clung to my teddy bear and scrambled under the covers, waiting for you to climb in after me.

Your Mom pulled the duvet up to our chins and kissed us both lightly on our foreheads before saying "Goodnight, sleep tight and make sure the bed bugs don’t bite!"

You giggled in response, your eyes and nose scrunching up with happiness. "I love you Mommy," you said happily.

She smiled and walked towards the door, turning out the light before leaving. Closing the door quietly behind her.

"I’m not sleepy," you said, with a yawn. "I’m going to stay awake all night and try and spy Santa."

"You’ll be asleep before Santa comes. You know he won’t come unless you’re asleep. Miss Jones told us," I stated, remembering exactly what our teacher had told us before the holiday.

"You did see him, at the Mall last Saturday when we went shopping with your Mom. He asked you what you wanted for Christmas and you whispered it in his ear," I replied.

I could imagine you pouting with your last statement and I nearly began to laugh. "Well you never know. If we were really quiet, I suppose we might hear him come," I said, letting you win again. I had learned very quickly that I would do anything to make you happy. Our friendship had started that way, making sure the other was happy. Seeing you happy always made me feel kind of special inside.

Your hand found mine under the duvet and we fell asleep that way. Our hands entwined and happy knowing that we were together.

I felt someone tugging on my teddy. For a moment as I opened my eyes I didn’t know where I was. I suddenly felt very scared until I saw a familiar face lean over and look into mine.

"Merry Christmas, Willow," you spoke happily, my teddy grasped between your hands.

"Merry Christmas, Xander," I replied still a little confused as to why I was asleep in your bed. Then I remembered I was sleeping over.

The sun was just beginning to rise and the darkness of night was fading into a distant memory. "What time is it?" I asked. I knew I’d never been awake this early before.

"Time to go and see if Santa brought the Christmas presents," you replied a huge grin on your face.

You tugged my hand, pulling me gently from the warmth of the duvet. "Your Mom and Dad won’t be awake yet," I replied, not wanting to get into trouble.

"No problem." You grinned and your eyes twinkling with mischief "We’ll wake them up on the way!" With that you turned and ran out of the room into your parent’s room.

"Merry Christmas, Mommy and Daddy," your voice resounded through the stillness of the house.

I heard your parents groan, and then I heard them reply "Merry Christmas, Alex."

My heart ached. My parents spent most of their time ignoring me, unless I had a relevant comment to make on the topic of conversation. How I wanted to have a family like yours, with parents who played with you, talked to you like a child, and made me feel welcome.

You came back to your room, pulling your Mom behind you. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and stifled a yawn as she came into the room. "Good morning, Willow. I see Alex woke you up first."

You began to jump up and down eagerly. "Can we go and see if Santa came? Please! Please!"

Your Mom giggled, I think she had forgotten how much energy you could have at this time on Christmas morning.

"Ok, but don’t forget Willow. Remember she’s not celebrated Christmas before, so she’s probably a little unsure." she smiled tenderly at me. My mother had never smiled at me like that. My heart sank again, being with you and your family was fun, but it showed me what I was missing.

You bounded across the room and grasped my hand, gently guiding me out of your room towards the stairs. We walked quickly down the stairs and into the living room. The glinting lights of the Christmas tree welcomed us. I felt my mouth drop open at the sight of the brightly decorated packages under the tree. I had never seen so many packages before in one place.

You dropped my hand and dashed towards the tree. Dropping to your knees, you skidded to a halt inches from the base of it. You turned and smiled at me, your face filled with excitement and joy.

I stood in the doorway, a little unsure as to what to do. Your Mom came up behind me and took my hand, she led me towards you and motioned for me to sit down.

Your Dad finally came into the room and sat in his chair, a camera in his hands, ready to record your family Christmas.

Your Mom smiled at your Dad and then turned towards us. "Ok, you can open your presents now," she said, moving to perch on the arm of her husband’s chair.

I watched as you dived under the Christmas tree, desperate to find your name written on a present. Eventually you came out with a present. It was wrapped in Winnie the Pooh wrapping paper, a little white bow stuck in the corner. You sat down and turned to me, "Here’s your Christmas present Willow. Merry Christmas." You gave me the package and I held it for a moment in my arms. My heart swelled with happiness. You’d found my present first before looking for your own. I smiled.

"Thank you Xander." I carefully opened the wrapping paper, not wanting to tear it, as I wanted to keep this moment special forever. When I removed the wrapping paper a cardboard box greeted me. I placed the box on the floor and carefully opened the lid. Inside was a beautiful Cinderella doll. I pulled her carefully out of the box. Her beautiful blue dress sparkled in the fairy lights. I smiled, I’d never seen such a beautiful doll before. You knew that Cinderella was my favourite story. I’d read it to you every day since we met at Kindergarten. You knew the story inside out and backwards now.

You shared everything with me that day. Sharing is one of the most important parts of friendship. I’ve learned that in my life and you were the one who taught it to me.

That was the year when everything changed for you. You came to me the week after Christmas, my parents were home for once. I was reading The Chronicles of Narnia, the set of books you’d bought me for Christmas. When I heard a familiar knock on my door. I waited for you to bound through it as you’d done virtually every day since I’d known you. But today was different. You walked in solemnly, your face didn’t contain the usual sparkle, your eyes were red from crying.

I dropped the book I’d been reading and ran to you, holding you tightly in my arms. I could feel my own tears welling in my eyes, built from fear and concern. "Xander, what’s wrong?" I asked, desperate to find out what could have caused the boy I’d virtually known all of my life to change in an instant.

I guided you to my bed, and we sat down. You refused to let go of my hand. We sat there a long time, waiting for you to finally tell me what was wrong.

"He left us Willow." You spoke suddenly, your voice filled with pain and sadness.

"My Father, he finally left." The tears began to flow from your eyes again. I’d never seen you cry before, unless you counted the time you fell over and broke your arm. You were always the brave one, the one who stood up for me when Cordelia decided to taunt me with her snide comments.

I did what I knew you needed and I hugged, you trying to make everything better, although I knew I couldn’t. I felt my heart break as your warm tears rolled down my neck and onto my shirt.

"Because he realised he didn’t want my Mother or me anymore. He wanted his new friend, the one he introduced me to at his work’s Christmas Party. My Mom is so upset Willow, her smile’s gone. Her eyes don’t sparkle anymore, all she does is cry. I never want to hurt anyone like he hurt her."

I spent all day with you, helping you come to terms with your family. It was a rough year, your Mother turning to alcohol, and you found out that families can turn from a realm of happiness into one of hurt and pain.

But we had each other. Together we made the world a little better for each other. Spending more and more time together, playing games, talking about everything we did at school together.

That was another important lesson you taught me, how to care for someone, share their pain, be there for them. You were there for me when I needed you, and I hope I was there for you when you needed me.

We were still as close as ever, although I noticed that you were beginning to change. You and Jesse were talking more and more about girls and ignoring me. Jesse had become obsessed with Cordelia, you and I couldn’t really understand why he liked her. He used to be one of the three founding members of the We Hate Cordelia Society, but now he was more interested in getting her to go out with him.

You began to talk to me about the girls you liked, whether it be Jennifer from Chemistry or Lucy from English Lit. I always sat there patiently and listened to you, offering you my advice when you asked for it. The one thing I waited for though was for you to notice me. Well, notice me as a girl rather than just being your best friend, which was really special. But I wanted more.

That summer was fun, the Three Musketeers taking on the world, enjoying each other’s company. Preparing to attend High School in the fall, a new world would be opening up to us, more interesting than either of us ever imagined.

Buffy’s arrival changed everything again. My friendship with you included. You lusted after Buffy from the moment she arrived in Sunnydale. You would spend hours talking to me about her, how you would ask her out. I sat there and listened, helping you in anyway I could, because making you happy made me happy too. Although that wasn’t true anymore. Watching you lust after Buffy made my heart ache, you couldn’t see I loved you more than I’ve loved anyone else. You didn’t even notice I was a girl, just your best friend. Which would have been fine but, I so desperately wanted the happy ending just like the fairytales I read as a child.

Jesse’s death changed us both. We realised for the first time how precious life was and how easily it could disappear. We also faced something more frightening than ever before, the realisation that Sunnydale was built on a Hellmouth, and that vampires were real- very real, allowed us to change again.

I developed a new friendship with Buffy, which gave me the opportunity to talk about things that I could never talk about with you. Buffy knew how I felt about you, encouraged me to tell you, but I was scared. Scared that if I told you our friendship, something that I cherished, would disintegrate into dust.

That was the night that you saw me, really saw me, for the first time. It was the moment our friendship changed for ever. When I stepped out from behind the screen, wearing the dress I’d saved for last, your eyes looked at me as if you were seeing someone different, someone who hadn’t been your best friend for the past twelve years, someone who was new, interesting.

I couldn’t believe that we were standing in my room getting ready for Homecoming. Seeing you in your tux took my breath away. In that moment I glimpsed the man that you were to become and I loved you even more.

I became jittery, babbling about dancing, or rather not being able to dance in my dress.

You looked a little puzzled and then we moved closer, that beautiful song playing in the background. We began to dance. You danced! Your dancing was perfect, and your hand on the small of my back sent shivers up and down my spine.

As we danced, our heads became closer, the distance between our lips diminishing until they met. The kiss made every part of my body and soul feel alive.

That kiss changed everything. Especially our friendship. I knew then that every time I was close to you I’d think of the kiss, the sensations I felt, the way my heart pounded. That kiss, in a way, was the unspoken message of love both of us had tried to hide. A moment of weakness that allowed our barriers to collapse.

We had moments of snatched pleasure after the clothes fluke, but everything we’d known and cherished changed. A barrier neither of us could move grew between us.

Oz and I broke up in my first year of college and as much as I hate to admit it, I changed. That first year of college I was amazed at how I fitted in, no longer regarded as an outsider but part of the crowd. For the first time I could be me. The only problem was that I wasn’t really me, I was trying to be the me I thought I should be. And in the process I hurt you. I didn’t mean to, but I did. For that I am sorry, I can never apologise enough, but I know you understand. You always do. I wish I could take that year away, but I can’t, it’s a part of my history just like every other moment in my life.

Although I had a chance to mend our friendship and strengthen it. It happened the night of Buffy’s twenty first birthday.

Angel and Cordy had returned from L.A for Buffy’s party. We sat in Buffy’s apartment waiting for Buffy and Giles to return from patrol. The four of us didn’t know what to talk about, our lives had changed so much since High School. But we started to talk, clear the air and rebuild friendships.

Buffy and Giles returned and for once, Buffy had an uneventful birthday. We all became closer, realising that we’d survived five years on the Hellmouth. We remembered those who hadn’t made it and we all promised that we would stay in touch, whatever the future held.

You sat on the couch opposite me and I could feel your eyes glancing at me, studying me. I wanted to look, take in your handsome face as I had secretly before. But if I’d have looked at you then, I would have shown you how much I still loved you, as I always loved you. I couldn’t stop.

That night you offered to walk me home. I hadn’t felt so nervous being alone with you since the clothes fluke. We walked in silence for a while, neither of us willing to take the first move, frightened we might say the wrong thing.

I’d hurt you by being so horrible to you and everyone, being selfish, ignoring what had always been so important to me, my friends. When Anya and Oz left everything became clearer. I realised just how important my friends were, and I realised that I would love you forever and it scared me, really scared me, more than any vampire or demon we’d ever fought.

Walking home with you that night gave me an opportunity to talk to you. An opportunity I hadn’t had in such a long time. I started talking about Barbie. Your eyes glinted with laughter as you recalled her fate. It was the start we needed to talk again, really talk.

When we reached my apartment door, we stood on the doorstep for the longest time. Our eyes locked, holding a silent conversation. Before I knew it, our lips met again, this time in a kiss that was honest, pure and filled with more love than I’d experienced in my life. For the first time in my life I felt complete.

That was the beginning, when our friendship became even stronger. It contained a love that was pure and strong and which would survive everything, even living on a Hellmouth.

When the kiss ended, you spoke to me, and I’ll remember your words forever. "I love you Willow. I always have and I always will." Your eyes showing me you meant every word.

My heart filled, almost burst with the amount of love I felt. As the happiness swirled through me. I uttered the words I’d dreamt of saying my whole life, declaring them with the force of every part of my body and soul, "I love you Xander." We kissed again, sealing our declaration.

I waited nervously outside the church. My stomach churned at the thought of all of the people waiting inside, waiting to watch me exchange vows with you.

As soon as the door opened, and I saw you waiting with Angel at the altar, my nervousness vanished. Your smiled made everything better. As I walked up the aisle with Giles holding my arm, my eyes were locked onto yours, I didn’t even notice our family and friends who had come to witness our marriage. All I could see was you and our future together. I knew together we would be happy, and I hoped it would last forever.

Exchanging our vows was perfect, our friends sharing the moment with us. As we exchanged rings I glanced over at Buffy, she was crying with happiness. Giles looked so proud, I think he thought of us as his children, and giving me away was a big honour for him.

That day was one of the happiest days of my life, although everyday I spend with you makes me happier than I can ever tell you.

I had everything prepared. A romantic dinner, candles, your favourite meal. I had practised my speech, slightly nervous at how you would react, but deep down inside - knowing you as I do, I knew you’d be ecstatic.

You came in from work and kissed me, just as you had every day since we’d moved in together. Your face filled with a puzzled expression at the sight of the table, the candle’s light flickering and causing shadows on the wall. A brief look of panic washed over you as you checked the date to make sure it wasn’t our anniversary.

We sat, talked and ate. I waited for the right time to tell you. But somehow you knew there was something on my mind. You always did.

"You’ve got that look on your face. The one that clearly says you have something to say but you’re not sure how to. I’ve known you too long, Will." You smiled as you spoke, trying to reassure me that I could tell you anything.

I inhaled deeply, knowing it would be now or never. "I went to see the doctor this morning." I started.

I shook my head. Relief evident in your face. "I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby."

Your face exploded with happiness. You jumped out of your chair and dashed to me. Embracing me, kissing me.

That night was almost as special as our first kiss, but it couldn’t match the night our daughter was born.

We sat watching re-runs of Star Trek when I realised I’d gone into labour. When I told you your face turned white, a sheer look of panic in your eyes. You dashed around the house, looking for my bag and car keys. I just stood there and watched you. I couldn’t believe that in a few hours everything would change again, we would have a baby to care for. When you finally found your keys, you rushed me to the hospital. I’d never seen you panic as much as you did that night. You had always been so calm, but when I mentioned I was in labour, every ounce of sense left you. If I hadn’t been in so much pain, I’d probably have laughed.

When we got to the hospital, you never left my side. Holding my hand, wiping my forehead, telling me how much you loved me.

I’m sorry for what I said to you that night, the pain clouded my sense of reason.

I remember looking into your eyes as the doctor told me to push, they were filled with concern, excitement and love. Without you I’m sure I would have given up. When Ellen was born, you cried with happiness. As you held her, your eyes filled with amazement and wonder at our precious daughter.

We were finally a family. We had promised ourselves a long time ago that our children would never experience what we did as children. They would have parents who loved them, care for them and enjoyed spending time with them.

As I write this, I know I haven’t got a great deal of time. I am determined to see Christmas with you, Ellen and Josh. Our final one as a family.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write, but I needed to tell you how important our friendship and love has been to me. Without you, I wouldn’t have had such a perfect life.

You taught me how to love, care and share. The twenty six years I’ve known you haven’t always been easy, but every day has been very special to me Xander.

I’ve finally decided what friendship is Xander. It’s the life I’ve had with you. You were first my friend, then my lover, but you will always be the one person in this world I love more than anyone else. The person who knows me as well as I know myself, the person who listens to me and understands, even when it’s hard to.

I want you to go on Xander, watch Ellen and Josh grow. Be there for them, help them with their problems, help them to build friendships and to find love like ours. Teach them everything you know about friendship, if you do that I know they will be happy.

Tell them how much I love them and you. One day show them this book, let them know how much loving you, being your friend meant to me.

I love you Xander, I will love you forever. I won’t be there to help you when you need a friend most, but remember I’ll always be with you in your heart, just as you’re in mine.

Xander closed the book. A book which was filled with every memory he and Willow had made together. It was the most precious gift Willow had given him. It contained their life, love and friendship. He couldn’t stop the tears flowing freely from his eyes. His hand wiped them away as he looked at the framed photograph of Willow. The one he’d taken the night they’d found out she was pregnant with Ellen.

He tried to smile, remember Willow before her illness, but his heart had broken in two.

He heard the door to their bedroom open, and turned to see their daughter standing in the doorway. Her long auburn hair flowed around her shoulders, her hand held her teddy firmly.

She walked towards his open arms. He lifted her onto his lap. She reminded him so much of Willow. Her emerald green eyes gazed at him just as her mother’s had done.

Xander inhaled deeply, not wanting to upset his daughter by crying. "Asleep with the Angels honey."

"She can’t sweetheart, but she asked me to tell you how much she loves you, Josh and me."

Xander cradled his daughter. His heart aching at Willow’s death, but somehow he knew she’d always be with him. In his heart and memories he’d see her, remember her. And watching their children grow up he would be reminded of her always.

	a ~ f	g ~ l	m ~ r	s ~ z
		Shimmer	Sairs' fic