Ghosts from the past

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB, I've just borrowed them for a while.

His chocolate brown eyes look deeply into mine. They search mine, hoping to find something important. I try to read them; they are different somehow, filled with pain, loss and hopelessness. My heart contorts with pain. Why does he look so hurt? As I try to reach out to him, comfort him, he moves back from me. Silently moving out of my reach, his pale face framed by dark brown hair. I call his name, hoping that he can hear me, wishing that he’d stay. I see my name on his lips, just before he fades into the mist. I desperately look around, but I can’t see him. I’m alone.

I wake from the nightmare that’s haunted me for the past two years. Ever since the day that I found out he’d gone, walked out of my life forever, without even saying goodbye. I never thought I could feel so much pain, but a little part of my heart dies with everyday that passes without him. I miss him so much, he was like the other half of me, and he knew me as well as I know myself, probably even better. I thought we’d be together forever, but he took that away from me the day he walked away.

I wipe angrily away at the tears that escape my eyes. Why was I still allowing him to punish me? I should try and move on, rebuild my life. But it’s hard, hard to push the person I shared my life with into my memories, harder still to take the step away from the security I always felt with him. I’m frightened to step into a world without him.

I glance over at the photograph that stands on my nightstand. It was taken the summer Buffy stayed with her father. The summer Xander nearly kissed me. We spent so much time together that summer. Rebuilding our friendship, which had changed since Buffy arrived. It was so good, just to spend time with him, without the complications of helping Buffy. We could pretend that the nightmares of the world didn’t exist. It was just Xander and me. Just how it always was and just as I hoped it always would be. But growing up changed us, changed how we felt about each other, changed our friendship and before I knew it we were no longer best friends, more like passing acquaintances, and that hurt more than losing Oz or facing death.

I know I’ll love him forever, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. I fell in love with him the day I met him and I’ll love him until the day I die. My one regret is that I didn’t fight for him, show him how much he meant to me before he left. If I’d told him then perhaps he would have stayed. Perhaps we’d have had a chance, a chance for the happy ending. I know I can’t live my life regretting the choices I made, I need to live, move on. Although, loving Xander helped me to become the person I am, and one day I want to thank him. The question is will he allow me to?

As I sit on my bed remembering, I shiver with cold. A cold that I’ve never felt before. It chills me to my very core. It’s as if someone is running their icy fingers up and down my spine. Taunting me, tempting me to run. Run away from my past, from everything I cherish. I look around my room, trying desperately to figure whether there is anything out of place. That’s when I see it.

The mist. Swirling in the corner, dancing, as if trying to tell me something. As I watch, its movements become more purposeful, forming a shape that I recognise. I should recognise, because I’ve spent the past two years wishing I could see him again. Hoping for this moment. Although now suddenly it’s here. I’m scared. Scared that I’ve finally moved over the edge, to the point where I can’t return.

“Oh,” I gasp as the tears begin to fall from my eyes, as the realisation dawns that my Xander, the man I’ve loved my whole life is dead. I’ll never be able to hold him, kiss him. I’ll never be able to feel his fingers playing in my hair, or watch him dance the Snoopy Dance again. Everything that makes me whole has been reliant on him, his love allowed me to love, his friendship allowed me to grow. His confidence helped me to flourish into my own person. I owe everything to him and now he’s gone.

“Why?” I ask. It’s the one question that’s haunted me since he left. I wait and watch, as the mist swirls and fades before forming a stronger figure. A face almost forms. I can see Xander’s features in the mist, I don’t want too but I know it’s him. Who else could it be?

The mist moves from the corner, to my desk. It grasps a pencil and begins to write. I watch in wonder from my bed. Too afraid to move. Too afraid to speak. The pencil drops onto my desk, as the misty hand that held it dissipates into nothingness.

“Don’t go!” I utter as the mist swirls once more and fades into a final wispy presence, before it disappears completely.

I wrap my arms around my body and rock. Afraid to read the truth. The truth that Xander is gone forever. That I’m destined to be alone. Alone without my soul mate.

Suddenly my fear dissipates and I feel a strength I hadn’t felt for a long time surge through my body. I inhale deeply as I leave the safety of my bed and walk to the desk. Reading the note through my tears.

Please forgive me. I need you to understand. To understand why I left, how much I love you and how sorry I am that I hurt you.

Remember my heart will always belong to you, and I’ll always be with you forever. No matter where you are, I’ll never leave you again.

As I read, I remember Barbie. The day he’d given her to me I had felt so happy. I thought that Xander and I were going to be together forever. Barbie was the start of something more than friendship and it frightened me, and that’s why I was so cross with him when he used the present he gave me to signify our friendship and love as an arrow for his bow. But then he was only five. I had kept Barbie, even in her decapitated state, to remember how innocent our love had been. How much I cherished it and how much I loved him.

I returned the letter to my desk and hurried to my closet, where Barbie was encased in her shoebox. As I opened the lid, I gasped. Underneath Barbie was a book. A small book with a photograph of Xander and I fastened to its cover. I grasped the book and held it to my heart. How long had it been there?

I opened the book and found the pages filled with Xander’s writing. He gave me his journal when he left and I never knew. He’d come back to tell me. I failed him, failed him as a friend. I wasn’t there when he needed me.

As I read it’s almost as if I can hear his voice. I feel every emotion and can sense every thought he had as he wrote. I always thought I understood him, knew him better than I knew myself. But I obviously didn’t, I didn’t know him at all. Reading his journal, understanding things that he never allowed me to see, and for the first time I knew that he loved me. Loved me how I always wanted him to love me, but he was too scared to tell me. Too scared to ruin our friendship with love.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask my empty room, not sure whether I will get an answer or not.

As I continue to read, I share his pain as his parents fought. His mother turning to alcohol, his world falling around his ears, except for me. I was his one constant, the one person who loved him unconditionally, who didn’t expect anything from him but gave him everything. He knew I had given him my heart, just as he had given me his. We were just to scared for our love to be anything more than friendship, because we’d both witnessed love at its worst. Xander’s parents arguing, my parents ignoring

We were scarred and our parents had caused it, no matter how much we helped to heal each other, we still couldn’t heal the most important scar. The one that kept us from admitting our feelings, we couldn’t quell the fear that we would one day lose each other. Be alone. By not fighting our fear, we’d lost, lost the most precious thing in our lives. Our friendship. We built so many barriers that neither of us could break them down and allow ourselves to be happy. To be happy together.

“I’m sorry Xander. I wish you’d told me. I never wanted you to go. I wanted you to stay, but I was so scared to fight for you. Scared that you would realise that you didn’t love me. Scared that one day you’d wake up and realise that loving me was the biggest mistake you made. I couldn’t handle that, so I refused to let you in. Refused to break down the barriers to my heart. And now its too late.” I speak to my room, hoping that wherever he is he can hear me. Understand me.

I read his journal from beginning to end, I feel the pain he felt when I was unconscious in the hospital bed. I never knew he told me he’d loved me, I’d always assumed it was Oz. If I’d have known, I would have changed everything, fought for him. What I had with Oz was special, but he wasn’t Xander, he never could be. And eventually Oz realised that and left me to get on with his life.

Xander explained everything to me in his journal, even why he left. He couldn’t watch me love Oz, watch me be happy with anyone else. He loved me and wanted me to love him back, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready, and he couldn’t wait for me to be ready. He had to leave the pain behind try to find happiness in the world. Happiness without me.

He couldn’t be the person he thought I wanted, so he ran away. Hoping that one day he could return and be the person I wanted and needed. He didn’t realise that I never wanted anyone else, the only person I wanted was him and he would be the only person I’d ever want or need. But now it was too late.

I close the journal, my heart filled with pain and understanding. By reading his journal I understand Xander better than I ever had before, and I realise that whatever happened we will always love each other and be together in our hearts, even if we aren’t together in real life.

As I sit and think my phone begins to ring. I pluck the receiver from its cradle.

“My name is Dr Robinson, I have you listed as the next of kin for a Mr Alexander Harris.”

“Yes.” My voice quavering, hoping that maybe Xander was still alive, so that we could have an opportunity to finally be together.

“Mr Harris was involved in a car accident early this morning, he’s been unconscious ever since. He’s in a stable but critical condition. As you’re listed as his next of kin I wanted to notify you. He’s at Los Angeles Memorial Hospital if you would like to visit him. I was hoping you’d come and talk to him, sometimes talking helps people come back. From the belongings he had with him, I would say you’re an important person to him."

I open the door to his room, my heart pounding in my chest as I see his still form on the bed, connected to an array of machines. They bleeped to notify me that he’s still alive. Still with me. Allowing me the chance to tell him everything for the first time.

I walk slowly to his bed, grasping his hand in mine. Marvelling that I have been given the opportunity to touch him again. I look at his handsome face, he hasn’t changed in two years. His brown hair is a little longer but other than that he looks the same, except that now he’s unconscious. My free hand plays with his hair, smoothing it away from his eyes. How I wish they’d open so I can look deeply into his, revel in the dark chocolate brown that were always like candles that lighted my life.

I begin to talk, to tell him everything I should have told him before he left. I’ve been given an opportunity to see him again and I’m not going to waste it.

“Xander, I don’t know whether you can hear me, but I’ve got to tell you some things that I should have told you a long time ago. I hope you can forgive me for waiting for so long, but today I found something that helped me to understand. Understand the pain I caused you and I want you to know that I’ll never hurt you again. I love you Xander. I’ve always loved you and I know I’ll always love you, no matter what happens.

“My life began the moment I met you, and for the past two years, I waited for the day when I could tell you how much I’ve missed you and now I finally can. Wherever you are believe me, I love you and if you can, come back to me, because I need you. I’ll always need you because you’re my life, you always have been and you always will be. I know I’ll love you forever and I know wherever you are you’ll always love me and I will understand if you can’t come back, because one day we’ll be together again. I promise.”

I rest my head against his and hold him, not wanting to let go. Knowing that this might be the last time that I have the opportunity to hold and touch him. As I rest against his head, I feel my tears escape, rolling down my cheeks and onto his chest. I close my eyes and think of our past, the past that helped us to grow into the people we became, the past that was so full of promises left unfulfilled. A future that seems so empty if I can’t spend it with him.

I close my eyes and let my memories wash over me. As my memories warm my heart I don’t notice his eyes open and a smile wash over his face as he recognises my form resting against him. I was completely lost in my memories until I heard his voice utter my name.

I lift my head, scared to look thinking my imagination is playing tricks on me again.

I raised my eyes slowly to his face and the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen greets me. His brown eyes filled with a love pure and honest and he’s looking at me.

“I love you Willow, no matter what, and I can’t live without you. I had the craziest dream that I visited you in your room, I wrote you a note. What happened Will?”

I smile as I respond, gripping his hand tightly in mine. “It doesn’t matter what happened, all you need to know is that I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere. I love you Xander, and I’m not afraid anymore. I realised that life without you isn’t worth having. I want to be able to love you forever.”

“Forever, doesn’t seem long enough Will.” He replies, his finger brushing away my tears. “But it seems like a good place to start.” He smiles, moving his hand behind my head and pulling my lips towards his.

Our lips meet in a kiss that was full of promise, hope and apologies. We know that we’ll have forever to forgive each other and build on a love that has tied us together since the moment we met. And no matter what happens nothing will ever change that. We’ll be together forever.

	a ~ f	g ~ l	m ~ r	s ~ z
		Shimmer	Sairs' fic