Painful truth
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB, I've just borrowed them for a while.
Rating: PG
Author's notes: The song is 'Hero' by Metallica. To Chad for sending me a copy of the lyrics.
Mama they try to and break me
The window burns to
light the way back home.
A light that warms
no matter where they’ve gone.
They’re off to
find the hero of the day
But what if they
should fall by someone’s wicked way?
The music
reverberates around my bedroom, the words strike a painful truth in my heart.
The song sums up my life so well. All
my life there has only ever been one person who cared for me and she’s gone.
Gone in search of her hero, the person who loved her first.
The only problem was that I loved her first, but I was too afraid to tell
her. Every day I hope that she’s
ok, pray that she’ll return, but why should she?
Everyone
I’ve ever cared for has hurt me. I couldn’t open my heart to her, afraid
that she would break it. So I protected myself. Protected myself from pain, from
the truth.
The last time I saw her was at my
parent’s funeral. She came to
support me, sure that I would grieve for their loss.
But why should I? They never
loved or cared for me. I spent my
days hiding from them, scared of what I might find if I entered their world. The day my mother began to drink was the day I lost my
family, except for her.
I spent the day of their funeral oblivious to my surroundings, confused at how I felt. In a way I felt loss, loss that they were gone. But I also felt relief. I no longer had to feel guilty, guilty about being a terrible son. One who’d failed them, disappointed them so much that I wasn’t worth caring about. She tried to cheer me up, help me. But I didn’t want her help. I wanted to wallow, wallow in self-pity at what I’d never had. What I’d desperately wanted, but was always out of my grasp.
All I’ve ever wanted is love. And when I finally found someone who loves me, what do I do? I push her away, build walls that even she can’t break down. In the end she left me behind, found love with someone else. It hurt to watch her go, but at least I couldn’t hurt myself anymore. The walls I’d built protected me, protected me from love, from pain, from myself.
Time so slowly
turns
Someone there is
sighing
Keepers of the
flames
Do you feel your
name?
Can’t you hear
your babies crying?
‘Scuze me while I
tend to how I feel.
These things return
to me that still seem real
Now deservingly
this easy chair
But the rocking
stopped by wheels of despair
Don’t want your
aid
But the fist I made
For years can’t
hold off fear
No, I’m not at
all me
So please excuse me
while I tend to how I feel
But now the dreams
and waking screams that ever last the night
(But now the dreams
that ever last the night)
So build the wall,
behind it crawl
(So build the
wall,)
And hide until
it’s light
So can you hear
your babies crying now?
I’ve spent the past two years
hiding. Trying to cover up the pain
I’ve felt with humour and smiles, but I can’t carry on.
Slowly I’m dying inside. I
feel like a robot, going through the motions of life, but not living it.
Not living my life, just watching it go by.
I need to move on, reach out for love, grasp it, hold on to it, and
cherish it. But I’m afraid.
Afraid that if I open my heart, it will be crushed, just as my parents
crushed it every day of my childhood. So
I hide, hide from the world behind the safety of my walls.
I dream of
her. Picture her auburn hair, and sparkling green eyes.
Every time I think of her my heart rises, my pain subsides.
But I’m scared to contact her. Afraid
she’ll reject me. So I lie here watching my life pass, filled with regret at
the missed opportunities. Understanding
that she is a memory, no longer a part of my life, and I regretfully accept it.
But somewhere deep inside there is hope, hope that she’ll come back.
Come back to me. It’s a
hope I cling to, helps me survive the day.
Without it I would have given up a long time ago. I sit and wait for
someone to break down my walls, release me from my pain.
But how will they ever break them down if I don’t let them in?
Only she holds the key to the lock on my heart.
Maybe one day I’ll be free.
Still the window burns
Time so slowly
turns
Someone there is
sighing
Keepers of the
flames
Did you hear your
name?
Can’t you hear
your babies crying?
But now the dreams
are waking screams that ever last the night
(But now the dreams
that ever last the night)
So build the wall,
behind it crawl.
(So build the wall)
And hide until
it’s light
So can’t you hear
your babies crying now?
Mama they try and
break me
Mama they try and
break me
Mama they try and
break me
Mama they try
Mama they try
Mama they try and
break me
Mama they try and
break me
Mama they try and
break me
Mama they try
Mama they try and
break me
Mama they try
Mama they try
I close my eyes and think of her
and pray that one day I’ll be the hero she deserves, because she’ll always
be my hero, the one who cared for me, who was my family when I had no other. She’s my life and one day I’ll tell her, maybe it will be
too late for happiness, but at least she’ll know.
I’ll know.
I grasp her picture and hold it to my heart, the words of the song echoing in my mind. The words of painful truth.
The End
