A rain of stars

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB, I've just borrowed them for a while.

Author’s notes: I dedicate this story to Louise, who allowed me to use her beautiful poem.

I remember that moment when our lips finally met. The world melted away, my mind awash with sensations that I thought I’d never experience. It was a moment of pure happiness, one that I’d hoped existed, one that I thought would always be unobtainable.

When we stepped back, your eyes were filled with something more than I’d ever expected to see, more than I’d let myself hope I’d see. But we denied that moment, or tried to.

The next few weeks were filled with encounters that changed our relationship forever, it was a time filled with love, excitement and betrayal, and for that I’m sorry. Our snatched moments betrayed our friendship as well as betraying our friends. In those few weeks we almost ruined everything. But one thing never changed. How I felt for you.

But I tried to forget, forget how being close to you made me feel. I couldn’t let you get close to me again, because if I did I knew there wasn’t going to be anyway of hiding how I felt again

So I moved on, moved on to Oz and then Tara. Looking for someone who could give me what I needed, but they weren’t you. I was happy with them. I loved them. But I could never love them how I loved you. How I still love you. This sounds ridiculous. As I read this, I almost laugh, but it’s too painful too. My life in Sunnydale seems so far away, another lifetime, another world. A world where life was dangerous but filled with family, a closeness I’ve not felt since, since I left the security of home.

I’ve tried to move on, and I have. I’ve found love in other places, and I’ve been happy. But I can’t help but think of you, you’re part of me, a part I can never leave behind. A part that will stay with me until the day I die. Your friendship as I grew up meant so much to me, you believed in me. You saw someone more than anyone else ever saw. Just as I knew you were more than just a wisecracking kid, you were my life, my laughter, and my hope.

I thought I’d never see you again. The day I walked away from Sunnydale, I left part of me behind. I left the part of me that made me smile, made me feel safe. But then you found me. I don’t know how. I didn’t ask why. I just walked into your embrace and the pain I’d kept hidden melted away, just as the world had the time we first kissed. The time I realised that you felt the same way about me, the time a rain of stars brightened my life.

Forever is something I’d dreamed of, never really believing there was a chance of it ever happening, but it did. You found me. You saved me. Saved me from a life of loneliness. You showed me how it was to love, how to live again. You taught me how to laugh. For that I’m eternally grateful.

The time we’ve had, the love we’ve shared, will live in my heart for eternity. I may not be with you forever, but know that I will wait for you, welcome you to the peace that now greets me. To the place where the sky is filled with a thousand rainbows and it rains a sea of stars, where love and friendship never dies. A world created for you and I.

Take care my love; my heart will belong to you forever. Smile at the memories, walk towards your future with your head held high. Because wherever you walk, wherever you go, I will be with you.

Goodbye is too harsh, so long sounds better, but it’s not what I want to say. Goodnight is what I need to say, because I’m going to sleep, sleep forever, but I won’t be alone, for I’ll always have you, just as you have me. Goodnight my love, my heart, my soul. I wait until we’re together again.

The tears cascade from my eyes as I read the letter from my Willow. I can’t believe that she’s gone, left me alone in a world that’s now empty, empty without her beauty, without her smile. My whole life I’ve only felt complete when she’s with me. Living my life without her is something that has been in my nightmares, but now it is my reality. I don’t know if I can live without her, but I have to try, because she would never forgive me if I didn’t. She loved life, lived it to the full and I need to show her that even though she’s not here with me, I will try to live without her, build a life, move on. Even though moving on is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but knowing she’s here, inside my heart will help.

I read the poem again, longing to see a world where love and friendship can never die. And I know, that one day we’ll meet again, love again and I know that day will not come soon enough.

I touch her face once more, her skin pale; she looks so peaceful, so free of pain. I see her as a child, as a teenager. The day I married her, the day she had our daughter. I see her smile, her green eyes dancing with joy, but now they’re memories, memories I’ll cherish until the day I die.

I can’t believe how fast the last forty years have passed. I can’t believe how wonderful my life has been since the day I found her again, the months I searched until I found her hiding from life in L.A. The day she left me, I realised I couldn’t live without her. I made a promise that when I found her, I would love her forever, and it’s a promise I’ve kept.

I lean forward and kiss her forehead once more. “Goodbye my love.” I whisper, hoping that wherever she is she can hear me.

I turn towards my daughter and my grandchildren and I smile. I may not have Willow but I have the family we created together and I say a silent prayer. A prayer that thanks God for allowing me to experience a happiness that I never thought would be mine.

And finally I walk away towards my future with my head held high and I smile. I smile because I feel her presence, in my heart and in my soul and I know that I will truly never be alone.