But she quit that~~
In the beginning, the pain was too fresh. Too
new. Her heart wouldn't accept that he was gone. She'd
sit before the crackling fire and all she'd see was
his face. His beautiful brown eyes. Hear his laughter
echoing down the hall as he chased Alex and the girls
to their bedroom where they'd scramble into bed
with her and settle in for a bedtime story. It was so
real. But lately, that wonderful image was fading
more and more.
The kids still crawled into bed with her. They
still listened raptly as she wove them fairy tales
that thrilled them. But one important person was
missing. The house was different. It wasn't the same.
She finally stopped asking, screaming "Why?" in her
mind. She'd drive herself crazy if she didn't let go
of the dream that he'd come back, and they'd all be
snuggled together in this big, empty bed again. She
had the children to think of. To live for. She wasn't
much good to them living in a dream world.
~~She made up her mind that someday she'd be fine
And she meant that~~
It hurt so much. His leaving. But she had lived
her life before crashing into his life, and she was
determined not to lose herself with his leaving. It
was the hardest thing she'd ever done. Moving on.
Willing the tears to stop. But she did it for the
children. Alex, who looked so much like his father it
broke her heart over and over again each day. Gabriela
and Serena.
She did it for them, she reminded herself as
such simple things as brushing their long golden curls
nearly brought her to tears. He'd loved those blond
curls. Said they were beautiful. Just like their
mother's. Said it in such a voice filled with love,
her tears threatened to spill over every time she
picked up a brush.
~~And she stopped drivin' by their old place
Now it's not that she don't know the way~~
She couldn't bear staying there. Their home.
Where they'd created so many wonderful memories. She
remembered the day he made detective. He was so proud.
And so was she. They'd only been married a
month. Close to two. They'd celebrated all night. Made
love until the break of dawn.
They made Alex that night almost six years ago.
And Serena and Gabriela two years later, she thought
as her throat clogged with tears. L.J. was the last
baby she'd make with him in that house. The last baby
she'd make with anyone. The memories were too painful
without him there to share them. Too haunting.
She lived with Mama now. They took care of the kids
together. She stopped driving past their old home.
It hurt too much to see the new family.
~~She just stopped, cause she had all she could take
But she never stopped loving him~~
~~There's a place deep in her soul, a place she'd always hold Only for him~~
He'd been gone a while now. The hurt was slowly
fading. She feared the ache never would. Mama urged
her to move on with her life. Find someone new.
Maybe not yet. But eventually. That's what he would
have wanted, she assured her. She knows she has the
best intentions, but really she doesn't believe there
to be anyone else out there for her. No one else but
him. He was her soulmate. Mama of all people should
understand that. Her heart would never belong to
another.
~~Still, she gets down on her knees, pray that she won't be Lonely for him~~
~~And she stopped wakin' up every night
Three o'clock wanting him by her side~~
She prays everyday for the strength and the
courage to mend her ailing heart. The loneliness is
the worst. He was her best friend. The one person she
was closest to in the entire world. Only with God's
help could she hope to find some small semblence of
peace. Some hope that her heart would heal.
That she'd feel whole again without feeling his
arms wrapped tightly around her. The bed was so empty.
She missed him so much. But she rarely woke up in the
middle of the night reaching, searching for his
strong, loving, comforting arms anymore. The cold
place where his warm body should be wasn't a
constant source of tears anymore. For that small
blessing, she was thankful.
~~Yeah, she stopped, but no matter how hard she tried
She never stopped lovin' him~~
She never told him how long she'd loved him. The
real moment she'd fallen in love with him. He would
laugh if he knew. And she knew she'd blush in
embarrassment. The way she always did. She never
got the chance to tell him the full breadth, full
extent of her love for him before he left her and the
children. She hoped he knew.
She never got to tell him he was right. The baby
she carried was another boy. Another fine son he'd
wished for but hadn't dared lay voice to his desire.
There were so many things she still wanted to share
as they cuddled together just enjoying each other. So
many things she never got to say.
~~The leaves are off the trees
And the snow is awfully deep for December
She walks right up to him, she can't quite find the words But they're in there
So she stops and says "Since you've been gone
I have thought about how life must go on"~~
She pulls her coat tighter around her as she
walks through the deep snow to get to him. It's
awfully cold. Colder than she remembered it being for
some years. But then, a lot of things are different
without him by her side. Her throat closes tight with
emotion as she struggles to find the words. They're
there, she knows.
Clearing her throat, she begins, wiping
carelessly at the tears that stream down her cheeks as
she talks. "Luis," she chokes, "it's nearly Christmas.
You should see the kids. They're so excited. Oh, they
still miss you. They'll probably always miss you. Just
like me. And L.J. I tell him stories about his daddy
everyday. How much you loved him. How much you looked
forward to meeting him. How you're watching over him.
He's so little, Luis, but I swear he smiles everytime
I mention your name. He knows his daddy," she said
smiling through her tears.
"We all miss you, Luis. They finally caught the
guy that shot you. Funny. When I looked into his
scared green eyes, I didn't feel the hatred I
expected. I felt sorry for the man. He had no one to
love him. Me and the kids, we have Mama, Theresa,
Miguel, all our friends. Most importantly, we have
you. And I know we'll see you again. I'll always love
you, Luis," she said as she kissed her fingertips and
touched his stone.
"Always."
~~Then she stopped and placed a rose on his stone
Then left him alone
But she never stopped lovin' him~~