Pairing: BJCD

Still rocking, tears streaming, memories exploding, Justin was oblivious to all around him. Word had spread about this special gay couple who danced magnificently and seemed to love deeply. Watching Justin’s heart breaking, an elderly grandmotherly type

Moved closer and tried to talk to Justin. His look was haunted and far away. Vacant. Tears started falling like a waterfall and he started screaming. Everyone thought that it was because of Brian. No one knew his history. His screams were loud and eerie, waking the dead and even Brian. Feeling dazed and headachy, he couldn’t figure out why Justin was crying and he was lying on the ground and then he felt the blood. “Fuck! “ He spat out. Looking into Justin’s unseeing eyes, he knew why Justin was screaming. Touching his head and knowing the blood must have been profuse, he realized that Justin was back at the prom and his own bashing, remembering what he had closed off so long ago. Trying to get up, but realizing he couldn’t. Brian tried another tactic to get through to Justin. By this time, the doctor on board ship and Mr. Butterroll had arrived.

“Wait!” Brian commanded. His hand outstretched in the stop position. Both stopped in their tracks. “Justin, baby, Justin, come back to me. I am here. I am fine. JUSTIN! It’s okay. It will all be okay.” Justin not stirring was getting even Brian scared. He knew he had to be taken care of quickly, but Justin was in worse shape. Talking very softly, Brian explained what was going to be happening. “Justin, I am fine. I can walk. I have a headache and a cut that is all. We are going to put you on the stretcher instead. Understand.” An imperceptible nod was given. “Good. Now, Justin, let me go. That’s it.” Brian helped move Justin’s hands from around him. Justin wrapped his arms around himself instead. “Good, baby. You are doing fine. Now, let them help you onto the stretcher. That’s it. I am right here. “Ma’am, can you collect his stuff over there and mine and follow us. He may need a mother figure.”

At that moment, Desire comes by the pool to see what the commotion was about and seeing the blood knew immediately what was happening. “Brian, can I help? She whispered softly. He nodded as he was talking to Justin. “Justin. Baby, we are going now. Desire is here too. She wants to talk with you. Please, baby. Hear my voice. It is real.” Realizing that he was too unstable to walk by himself, he motioned Desire for assistance. Being friends, it would not frighten Justin more if she was holding him up. It would look like friends. After managing to fully sit up, his whole world was spinning, colors were dancing, and his vision was blurred. Motioning to the doctor to bend down so he could whisper in his ear and not to upset Justin or let him hear what he needed to convey. “I definitely have a concussion. I have blurred vision, am dizzy, and feel headachy. Justin is in shock. He is finally remembering his bashing. We have to get him out of it slowly. I need to act like I am okay. Help me. He has to see me at all times.” Desire and the doctor helped Brian to his feet and steadied him. The two bracing him so he could act like nothing was wrong. The blood was still leaking but not as profuse as before. He was glad he had no shirt on or else it would have been ruined. Some had smeared onto his trunks when he had moved but he could just buy new ones so that Justin didn’t have to see the blood again. Knowing he would have to get some clothes from the room so that Justin wouldn’t see the blood any longer than necessary, he formulated a plan.

“It is a long walk. Are you sure you can make it?” The doctor stated concerned.

“I have to make it. Justin has to see I am okay, even if I am not. We have to get him out of this, whatever you call it. I have a plan of action.”

“Don’t ask.” Stated Desire. “You may not want to know. By the way, My name is Desire Flowers.” Seeing the doctor’s quizzical look and noticed he was about to say something, stopped him immediately. “My parents’ hippie days has given us unusual names. Doctor, what is yours?”

“Let’s go with the theme here. Mine is Dr. Mayflowers and yes, our family came over on the Mayflower. It seems my family can’t get enough of the water.” They both chuckled. Mr. Butterroll discreetly took Brian’s rear in case his feet flew out from under him. Two crewmen carried the stretcher with Justin in it. Wanting to keep a hand on the stretcher to alleviate any of Justin’s fears, he tried but found his legs were not stable enough so he grabbed the doctor’s arm too. His legs felt like rubber bands, totally out of his control. He knew he really needed a stretcher and after attempting to walk a short distance, finally succumbed to their suggestion, yet again. “Justin, baby. It looks like fun being carried around. Sort of reminds me of Aladdin’s flying carpet. I think I want to try it. Okay.” Everyone was relieved when Brian accepted help. A second stretcher was brought near and Brian gratefully climbed on. The doctor had put a cloth on his cut to sop up any remaining blood. It had finally clotted. He hadn’t gotten a good look at it but he surmised that it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. He knew he would have to clean it. Possibly, it would need stitches to heal. He had felt that it might be worse when he had heard that Mr. Kinney was unconscious. At least, he wasn’t out long and had responded to Justin’s cries. Since Desire no longer needed to hold Brian up, Brian sent her on the mission to put away Justin’s stuff in the cabin and get him and Justin a change of clothes since he had stains on his as well.

As they rode their carpets, Brian soothingly spoke to Justin. “Hey, Baby. Come back to me. I need you, baby. I want to see that sunshine smile. I need to feel warmed by your smile. Come on, baby. You can do it. I will heal faster if I see that smile. You have come back to me before. Yes, baby. You know you can. Don’t freak me out, baby. You have stayed like this too long. There are good memories there too. Focus on the good memories. Focus on the dance. Do you see the dance, baby? Do you? Come on, baby, talk to me. You said it was the best time of your life. Now, do you remember it, baby, do you? Baby I…”

Justin moved slightly, his eyes focused on Brian’s. Finally, a response. Brian let out a sigh of relief and then smiled, knowing that he was getting through. That’s it, baby. Focus on me. You see. I am talking. I am okay. You aren’t imagining it. I have a bad bump on my head but that is all. It isn’t fractured. You always said I had a hard head or was that I was a hard ass.” At that, Brian was rewarded with a smile, a genuine smile. “That’s it, Sunshine. Give me that smile that is brighter than a hundred light bulbs.” Justin’s grin broadened responding to Brian.

Mr. Butterroll was taking everything Brian was saying in, amazed at how loving this man with a hardass, emotionless reputation was reacting to Justin. Here was a man deeply in love, a love that transcended lives. This was a soul couple. Two people truly in love, two people that planned to follow each other everywhere through time and many lives, and have done so, he was sure. Here was Brian Kinney, the man, the lover, the half of a whole. He ached for the sadness that Brian showed in his eyes, seeing his love in so much distress. He never would have believed that Brian would put someone else ahead of him. He showed that when he tried to walk for Justin’s sake and then when he realized he couldn’t, he had found a way to make it seem less scary. This man that he had worked side by side was a truly caring and considerate man. Flabbergasted wasn’t the word for it. He could find no word for what he was feeling. Brian never portrayed that. He portrayed a confident man, a man who knew his job, did his best but was unfeeling. He was astounded how he was slowly bringing Justin around. Talking to him, coaxing him back, softly, lowering his voice to a quiet whisper at times, yet the boy listened and was responding. Brian held his hand and didn’t stop talking as they made their way finally to the medical facility or sickbay.

“Sunshine, turn to me, that’s it. Now speak to me. Anything. Just say something. I know you can. You smiled for me.”

“Bri…”

“That’s my baby. Say more.”

“Brian, you aren’t dead.” Justin barely whispered.

“No, baby. I am alive and kicking and he playfully kicked his feet. Then he touched Justin’s cheek. “Justin. Can you feel this? It is warm flesh. My flesh touching you. You can breathe now, Justin. Yes, I hurt my head and I am sorry I scared you. I promise. No more armstand dives, for now, anyway.”

“Promise.”

“I promise, Sunshine. Now, you have to promise something in return. Don’t go into yourself like that again. It scared me more than usual this time, baby. You don’t want to scare me or the nice people on this ship, now do you?”

“No.”

“Okay, you don’t want to scare me or them?”

“Both.”

“Good. Now. Relax baby. I am here. We are here. Can you walk inside?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, they are taking me in first and then they will bring you in. Don’t worry, I am here.”

Inside, the two sit closely. While the doctor cleans his wound, Brian continues to talk to Justin. Finally, Brian sees light twinkling in Justin’s eyes. “Justin, your back.”

“Yes, how is it. I am so tired. I need to sleep.

“Not yet, baby, but soon. You…”

“I remember, Brian. I remember it all. It was so beautiful. It was breathtaking. You showed up at the prom even though, you said you wouldn’t. You told me you loved me then. You were awesome in all black with that…that”

“It’s okay, Justin. We will talk about it in a few minutes. Just let me get stitched up. I need to talk to Dr. Mayflower.”

“It wasn’t as bad as it seemed. I only had to put in five stitches.”

“Good. When must the stitches come out?”

“I will check in a few days. No more diving and active sports for you for a couple of days. Give your head a rest. It will yell if you jar it.” Dr. Mayflower smiled.

“I promise no more diving for a long while. I don’t need to frighten Justin again or jarring sports. Just quiet ones for now.”

I checked your eyes and you are right, you do have a concussion with the problems you are experiencing. Do things slowly. Use common sense, Mr. Kinney. You know what I mean.” Brian smirked. desire returned with new clothes which Brian quickly put on and then he helped Justin. “Desire can you possibly help me to the cabin. I am still dizzy.”

“Sure. Maybe, Justin can take your other arm.”

“Can we go now?” I need to put him to bed. This drains him. He is falling asleep as we speak.”

“We have a wheelchair here if you think it will make it easier.”

“Justin, will it be okay if I get a fast ride from Desire. I am a little too dizzy to walk. Can you walk, Justin.”

“Yeah, I can.”

After more instructions and some questions about Justin, they made it to their cabin suite. Brian slowly got up out of the chair and lied down on the huge bed. Justin crawled in next to him. Brian undressed slowly, leaving on only his shorts with Desire’s help. She took off his shoes and socks and then Justin’s. Smiling at her, he pulled off his shirt with a flurry. Brian was feeling the aftereffects of the fall. His head was pounding a tune he didn’t like, he was seeing blurry and feeling dizzy with each movement. He knew he couldn’t go to sleep yet he needed to rest. Holding Justin made him feel better. Justin curled up into Brian, his head on his chest, instantly falling asleep. “Stay, don’t go. I want to sleep but it is better if I stayed awake. Keep me company, please.”

Desire, smiled sweetly, pulling a chair closer, she took Brian’s free hand. “Are you okay? Tell me the truth. I know you were being strong for Justin.”

Tears started rolling down. “Why is it that you and Justin are the only people that really know me? I was so scared. I felt the blood and I also went back to that night, only I have always remembered it and the blood reminded me of the garage and him lying there in my arms, my rocking and praying he would make it. I felt it was my fault. If only I hadn’t been there, maybe…Just maybe, Chris Hobbs would not have struck him. The problem with that theory is that Chris had been harassing and hurting Justin the whole year, yet the judge said he was provoked because Justin was flaunting his sexuality. Give me a break. He danced with his boyfriend and kissed one kiss. The heterosexuals were doing more than that. Besides, it was only one dance, one fucking beautiful romantic dance. I have tried to forget but I can’t. He is with me daily to remind me. His hand, panic attacks, nightmares and this. I am not sure what to call them, but I am the only one that can coax him out of them. Not even his mother or Daphne, his best friend can.”

Patting his hand, she spoke softly. “He will get through all of this in time.”

“Don’t promise something that may not happen. I don’t. I have the same nightmares. We are a pair. The two of us, damaged souls who belong together, our love is the glue but our history is the cement. We are tighter than the stones within the great pyramids. You know, I can’t believe it but he is the more dominant of the two of us. I am the one who acquiesces. I can’t help it. I can’t say no to him. He is my essence. I would die if he left me or something happened to him. I am so intertwined with him. Oh, I don’t mean really die, just die completely inside. I would never be able to love again. How could I when I already had perfection. I have hardly any taste for tricks anymore. I still do it. I haven’t gotten to that point of totally giving tricking up but I have decreased considerably. When you have the perfect ass as your own property, nothing can compare. His silky strands of blonde feels so good, his taste is all I crave. Nothing can compare. They are all counterfeit. Who needs counterfeit when you have the real thing?”

“Okay, that is true and I am glad you are slowly settling down. Hold that look, Kinney! You are settling down. Listen to what you just said. You know it is true. You said you were scared. You were scared on various levels, seeing Justin’s reaction to you, rocking you like you did him. Hearing him scream all scared you, but you were scared for yourself as well, weren’t you when you realized you had been unconscious.” Brian started to sob, little raspy sobs at first and then he just let go. He couldn’t help himself. All the pain was flowing out of him. He gripped his head because the sobs made it throb even worse, but he couldn’t stop. Between the sobs he tried to talk. Desire moved from the chair to the bed behind Brian and cradled his head in her lap. That was all she could do, feeling helpless except she knew she was there to listen and listen she did. “I…feel… gulp…like my whole body… gulp…hurts even though …it was only my head. It wasn’t even that many stitches. Dee, I don’t know how much I can take. It is like my heart and my body are ripping apart.” His sobs subsiding and blowing his nose with a Kleenex Dee hands him, continues to speak. “Look at him. He looks so peaceful. So beautiful. You would never know that each day is a struggle for him and he never complains. Sunshine is really amazing. So courageous. I feel so cowardly compared to him. I am. I hope his remembering will help him deal with some of it now. Always, he felt like a part of him was dead because he couldn’t remember. Does he remember what I said to him? Does he now feel the love I felt for him or is it like a hazy mist of memory? Will he be able to assimilate it all and be comfortable with it? Will he accept it? He had a couple of pieces but not the whole pie. I am frightened for him. The shrink had said he needed to be reminded or else he would always be the walking wounded. I had tried everything. My son’s first birthday gave him a few memories which got him out of that total dead look about him. He didn’t smile and there was no light in those beautiful blues. Today, he had that same haunted vacant look. It scared me. I was afraid that he might not come out of it this time. How could I live with that? Such beauty trapped in a mind prison. No way. I would do anything to call him back to me. When he saw the yellow toy bat, it helped. He started to come alive. The smile and twinkle came back, but there would still be haunted times. Maybe, this was meant to be. Yes, Brian Kinney has emotions and cares. I always have had them, I just don’t show them. Not to anyone! That is except you and Justin. How do you do that? Rip them out of me.”

“Brian, he sleeps through everything, doesn’t he? Oh, and I don’t rip it out of you, I just let you talk and I listen without judgment.”

“Yeah, he is wiped out from the experience. He will sleep for hours. A siren can go off next to his ear and he will not wake until his body has coped with everything. His rem sleep is almost constant after one of these. I don’t know if that is good, but watch his eyes. He is working it out. I never leave when he has one of these, even if he sleeps 20 hrs straight. He freaked again one time when I had left to go to the corner for something. I had figured I had time because he hadn’t been asleep but an hour. It would only take me fifteen minutes to run the errand. I was getting something special for him. A treat. I had to go through it all over again. He was frightened and scared. Feared he was alone for good. I had left him. I learned my lesson. If I needed something, it would be delivered. No more trips out.”

“I can get you anything you need. The doctor will be checking up on both of you and I fear so will the owners. What a way to spend you day off, hurting and worrying.”

“Fuck! I forgot about Mr. Blackwell and Mr. Butterroll. Mr. Butterroll was there through it all wasn’t he. He heard everything I said. Shit! My fancy emotionless, uncaring exterior was totally blown, wasn’t it?”

“Yep. No way to convince them now that you are that cold hardass you portray. He saw the real Kinney.”

“There goes my reputation I built up. No one will believe this softie is a hardass anymore. Word will spread. Work will be intolerable. Only Cynthia knew me at work. Oh, yeah, she is the third one who really knows me. She got to know me when I needed someone to pull me through the time Justin was in a coma. She saw me crying constantly. She even used concealer to help cover the bags under my eyes. I didn’t sleep for days at a time. You will get to meet her. She is coming on at Fanning Island”

“I’d love to meet another faghag that you have initiated. Is this one a keeper.”

“Sure is. She has been with me for years. She was the only one that could reel me in and could handle my moods. She is good at her job, too. No, excellent. She is a blond also. I must love blonds. Always thought the dark swarthy type was mine, but look at who surrounds me. Blondes.”

Knock, knock came the sound at the cabin door. “Who is it?”

Mr. Blackwell and Mr. Butterroll. Can we come in?”

“Enter. The door is unlocked.”

“Hello, we came to see how you were doing. How is the young mister?”

“He fell asleep as soon as we got him into bed. I didn’t sleep. Doctor’s orders. Not for a while anyway. I am still dizzy, have blurred vision, and a tornado is swirling around in my head. Other than that I am fine.”

“Funny. Now, will young Justin be up for dining at the table tonight or will you too be dining in your room.”

“The way I feel, we will be dining here if it is alright. I don’t know when Justin will be waking up, but I wouldn’t leave him alone if I did know. He can sleep anywhere from one hour to 20. His body and mind are working. I wouldn’t try to wake him until he is ready. He would freak if I wasn’t here when he awoke after one of these bouts. I expect this one to be a longer sleep. He was terrified.”

“We came to see if we could provide any assistance. We will be glad to make sure someone comes to take your order when you are ready. We are sorry this happened on your day off. Not much fun, is it?”

“No. By the way, I have a request. Mr. Butterroll, I know you heard everything I said and did. Please keep it between yourselves and my group of four friends. If it spread that Mr. Kinney is a softie, work would be unbearable.”

In unison, the two giggled and then said, “Is that all you are worried about, your reputation. Don’t worry your pretty head over it. We will never tell. Never tell.” Mr. Blackwell continued. “We originally were uncertain about hiring you because of your reputation. Yes, you are the best, but we wanted someone who would understand us, cared about us, not just the profit line or the added bonuses. The final factor to choose you is that you are gay. We had our doubts but we felt it would pay off. Now we find our reservations were not necessary. It was only a persona you cultivated, not the real you. We liked you, Mr. Kinney, but we like you so much more now that we see you in action as the real Brian, a man who cares and loves deeply. You two have been lovers before. We can tell.”

“You aren’t the first to tell me that. I have felt it too. We were drawn to each other like magnets. I would push him away and he would come back. I stopped pushing. I will ride this adventure to its end and enjoy it while it lasts. The good times far outweigh the bad. He never asked for this. It just is.”

“No offense, but most gays would have kicked him by the wayside and moved on. Why didn’t you?”

“Because I would die, my soul would cry for the rest of my life. I could never love another like I love him. I would never even try. I didn’t believe in love when I met him. He taught me to sing and dance. The music would stop without him. Simple as that!” Justin rolled over, on top of Brian. Brian laughed. “See, how could I leave now. I am trapped.” He said as he clasped his arms around his love.

“We will beg our leave of you. Go to sleep, Mr. Kinney. We will wake you in two hours. You have stayed awake long enough. Maybe, Ms. Flowers might like to change into something else.”

Desire took her clue from Mr. Blackwell. Brian, sleep now. We can talk more later. Later.”

“Later.”

As the door closed, Brian looked down at his love and muttered. “I love you,” as he fell asleep.

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