Brian hadn’t been in contact with Deb for a while. He didn’t need her proclamations of Asshole and blame, but he had always needed her love and though Marie and Pierre had taken over as parent figures he still needed Deb every so often, after all, she was his mom, the only mom he truly acknowledged. He took a deep sigh before he dialed steeling himself for the many questions and accusations since he hadn’t talked to her in so long. He hesitates hoping that Justin will be back shortly. Brian needs his strength fortified. Just hearing Deb’s voice will throw him for a loop. If only she wasn’t attached to Mikey at the hip. He took in three more deep breaths and dialed hoping Justin would be there for him soon. As if on cue, Justin appeared with fresh coffee and two waters as the ring hit three times and was picked up.

“Hello.” You could hear Debbie smacking her gum as she answered.

“Mom!” came the reply. “I need you.”

“Brian, what’s wrong. Talk to me.” She heard that voice before. It was a voice Brian rarely used because it showed his vulnerability and the words he had used unnerved her. Brian never admitted he needed someone. At least, the Brian she had helped raise taking care of his bruises and all.

“Mom, did you hear about the plane crash?”

“Yes. Don’t tell me Justin was on it.”

“No! No! Justin is all right. I am…Mom, you don’t know me anymore. My life is so different from the person you perceive me as. I am not that asshole you grew to love, though I have been known to revert every so often but that isn’t why I called. I called to ask you how I can do something. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.”

“What is it Brian and what does it have to do with the plane crash?” Deb was getting impatient. She wanted to know what Brian was upset about. He rarely showed emotion. At least, her Brian didn’t. She had heard that she might not know Brian anymore. That scared her. Now, he was calling her for help.

“Brian, I can come there.”

“No! I am not ready to see you. It went badly with Lindsay. I can’t have that stress.” Deb wondered what was stressful about seeing her. She didn’t get it.

“Mom, please let me get this out. It was hard enough to call you.” Justin’s hand was holding his husband’s, caressing it, calming him.” “I almost didn’t.” He took a deep breath. “It’s like this. I have Gus’ friend staying here and I don’t know how to tell her that her parents are dead. They were on the plane.” A tear escaped Brian’s eye and Deb heard the emotion and choked back sobs in his voice. He never shows emotion. What is going on? “Deb, how does one tell someone her parents are dead? I’m at a loss here. I was told that the bodies were thrown everywhere and some may not even be found. We may not even have a body to bury.” Brian was crying fully now.

“Brian, why are you crying? You don’t cry. This isn’t you. You just handle things. You are great in a crisis. You will know what to say.” Actually Deb thought about it and she had no advice of what to say. Not in this instance.

“Brian, why has this gotten to you?”

“Deb, That has never truly been me. I have always felt deeply. Justin saw that from the beginning. With all we have been through the last few years, I have changed. Dying added to that change.”

“Dying?”

“Yes, Deb, dying changes one. I died twice after the crash. I am lucky to be alive and I don’t do the emotionless asshole anymore. You wouldn’t even know me. There have been a lot of changes physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Yes, spiritually. You have no clue who Brian Kinney is. I needed you Deb. I needed to hear your voice and the compassionate side of you. The side that took care of me when I was a boy and the person who helped me see there was someone who cared, but Debbie, I am not well and won’t be for a long time if ever. The crash did a number on me. I am now exposed. The Great Big Bad is no more. I don’t need someone to tear me down and you do all the time. With words and with blame. I need someone who won’t call me asshole and who won’t pity me at all. I want and need someone who will hug me with love. The problem is Mikey. I can not be near him again. It is a negative relationship and since you are his mom and always blamed me for his problems even when I wasn’t even involved, I can’t and won’t allow it anymore. I am not strong enough to carry his burdens. He has damaged me in the past and there is no way I can ever be friends with him again so that is why I have not been in contact with you. I have needed a mom but I won’t make you keep quiet, keep my secrets. I don’t ever want to see Michael again. You have my cell number. It has never changed. If you think you want to get to know the real Brian Kinney call me. I won’t hold my breath. To see me would mean you have to never talk about me or my life to Mikey. To be a part of my family again will be changing the way you talk to me. I expect only love and encouragement from my family that I have now.”

Deb was reeling from all that Brian had said. He died twice, he is not who I know. What does that mean? Why would I pity him? What does he mean he can’t take the way I speak to him? What’s that all about? And keeping secrets from Mikey I don’t do. Why is he so angry with Michael? Michael never did anything wrong, did he? They were best friends. Or were they? He said he isn’t well. It has been a long time since the accident. Bruises would heal by now. So many questions.

“Brian, what do you mean you are not well? It has been a long time since the accident.

“Deb, just believe me. I am still recovering and it is a slow and painful journey. Suffice it to say, it is a very long story and at times it seems monumental, but I am alive. That is what counts. Justin and I have never been closer.” “Hi, Deb,” Justin yelled loudly.

“Give me Sunshine.” Deb demanded. Brian acquiesced the phone.

“Hey Deb, how are you?”

“Don’t act like everything is alright. What the hell is going on? Tell me what Brian isn’t saying. What does Brian mean, he has a long journey?” She was rattling off a zillion questions to Justin and Justin couldn’t help but laugh.

“Deb, we called because Brian needed to hear your voice not get inundated with a thousand questions. As for answering your questions about his life and his injuries, I think it is up to him to divulge only what he wishes. I am not going to tell you anything unless he says it is okay. I suggest if you want your lost boy back you will have to think hard on what he said and what he wants. He is not being cruel or selfish. He is making sure he can survive seeing you again without any repercussions. He has separated himself from many of the old gang. It is not an act of selfishness unless you call doing it for your health selfish. Now Deb, today he reached out to you. Think long and hard before calling back. And remember, pity is not in our vocabulary. You will understand once you see him if you see him. We are extending an olive branch. Too much has happened in our lives that you know nothing about. I know Brian needs you right now, especially now. So think hard. Bye Deb.”

“Just wait. I need…”

“Deb, I have to go. Brian says bye. He can’t talk now. We have to deal with this latest crisis. Bye, again.” Justin hung up the phone. He could see the pain Brian was in after he heard Deb’s voice.

“Brian, are you okay. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea. I am glad you stood up for yourself.”

“She just doesn’t get it. I doubt she will decide to keep my secrets from Mikey or change her views about me or the way she speaks to me. I wonder if I got through at all. It was so hard.” Justin cups Brian’s head in his arm and held it to his torso petting his hair, stroking it so that Brian calmed down. Brian’s sobs wet his shirt.

“Shhh, Baby. Everything will work out.”

“How can you say that? Sarai’s parents are dead. Nothing can change that.”

“True, but we will tell her together.”

*****