“Brian, it’s hard for you to speak. Why does it hurt you when you talk about yourself?”

“Why do you say that?” Brian looked at Justin bewildered. “It’s because Gus told me just now that it seems to hurt you. Why do you feel emotion so much? When you talk of yourself you hurt from the emotion of it. Is that right?”

“And the memories. So many memories that aren’t good for me, that open wounds, that make me feel vulnerable, unloved, and not worthy.” “You are worthy Brian. You are worthy of being loved and so much more. Gus just asked me to help you. I could make this so much easier for you. You just have to think about what you want to say and with your permission I could read it from you. I will still get your emotions and it might not hurt as much without hearing the words spoken. All you have to do is open yourself to me. I will be gentle and what you allow me to see will not change my mind about you. It will just make me care about you more.”

“I don’t know. You say that now, but…I have buried things for so long.” He gulped. “Even from myself!”

“Brian, then it is time to deal with them so you can heal. There’s beauty in truth and truth is beauty. You try very hard to only speak the truth. You don’t do promises you can’t keep, etc., but you won’t allow yourself your truth. It is time Brian and I am here to help you through it. It will probably take many sessions. I don’t judge. Your kind riddles yourselves with guilt, hurt, and lies or half truths. We all have bad things that happen to us. It’s how we move on that makes us who we are. In many things you haven’t moved on. You have a gift but first it will be better if you can realize how to love yourself instead of living out someone else’s lies. You are a good man Brian. You were once in touch with the cosmic goodness and your cosmic purpose. Now it is time for a full cycle. Find yourself. Just look at Gus. You balance out his life. You are very important and this will give the two of you a great advantage over his moms. I could give them the gift too but from what Gus has told me I don’t think that they would want it. At least, not now. Besides it could be a male thing between the two of you. Your little secret that the two of you will share. So are you ready?”

Brian takes a deep breath and then says. Give me a second, I need some water and then we can do it. Do you want any?” “Yes, please.” During this small interval Brian is preparing himself for the emotions that he is going to feel knowing that there is really no way to truly prepare except for diving into the feelings. Can he do this? He gulps down a whole bottle and then grabs a couple more. He is going to need them. He would rather some booze but he doesn’t’ want Gus to think he deals with things with liquor. He may pass on his poor pain management skills. Deep down he knows Gus will check in and will hear some of his thoughts. He calls Gus over.

“Gus, could you do your dad a favor?”

“What’s that Dad?”

“Justin is going to help me. Could you try not to get into my head? There are just some things you may not want to know. It may make you sad to know some of the things of my past. Please!”

“I will try Dad. Sometimes you send things to me. Even though you don’t realize it. I will do my best.”

“That’s all I can ask. Go to your room so we are alone.”

“Okay Dad.”

After Gus leaves, Brian settles on the sofa making himself comfortable. He might as well be comfortable physically because he sure as hell won’t be emotionally. “Ready.” Brian nods. “Okay, go back to the beginning. To your birth. Tell me about that. Just think about it. Not a word is being spoken. Brian thinks to himself. How the hell can I remember my birth? No one remembers that far back. It’s impossible. “No, it is not. Open yourself to me. I can touch those memories. They are there but the pain of birth is hard to remember so we forget. In your case, it is very important to open yourself to it. It all started then.” Brian started to think. “My birth, my birth, so hard, not wanted. Then his memories started flowing. So many. So much to comprehend. So hard to focus. These are all thoughts however jumbled they may become. “Remember, I am here to comfort you. Take a few deep breaths and think back.”

Brian goes back and remembers. Pretty shapes and colors moving over me. My eyes are open, my crib is blue gingham. I am content in it, gurgling and smiling. I was an easy baby. I slept well in the night from early on. Even then I wasn’t a crier. I made my needs known but that was all. I spoke early. Shit! Jack would come in and pick me up and coo over me. Then things changed. Actually, not. He had his moments when he would adore me but most of the time he said that he was not a family man and that I should not be here. Even before I could comprehend what he was meaning. He just said it in a sweet sing-song voice. Joan would come in and feed and change me but even then I knew to try to be invisible. I…I…could sense things, know things. I was not touched, not hugged like other kids or even Claire.” “That’s right. Speech takes a while but in the womb, you already knew the tension between your parents.” “Yes, I didn’t want to come out. I knew that I wasn’t wanted even in the womb. I knew Joan just kept me because of her religious fear of damnation. I clung to what I knew before I was born when I was born. I clung to the idea of unconditional love, to beauty, to all that was good. I clung to the knowledge that I had a mate that I would find not early in life, someone who would love me for the beautiful loving person I am but even now I don’t see that person. I don’t know that person anymore. Where did he go?” A tear fell down Brian’s cheek. He felt lost. Why had he had to suffer so? “He got caught up in the facades of this world and the anguish. There are few people untainted on this world Brian. You aren’t alone. He is in there. We will free him. That is what this is all about. Go on.” Justin encouraged. Gus could sense Brian’s sadness. He was fighting not to eavesdrop but it was hard. Brian took a gulp of water. “Now it was going to get difficult.” “I know.” Justin nodded to continue.

“Soon I forgot what I had brought with me. I had an imaginary friend named…” “Go on. Don’t be embarrassed.” “Named…Fluffikins.”Gus smiled at the thought. He too had his imaginary friend only he became real when he met Justin. Now Brian was transmitting loudly. Gus couldn’t help but hear his thoughts. “Fluffikins kept me sane. The bickering in the house was unbearable. I couldn’t handle hearing it all. The thoughts of anger, pain, and hurt were too strong. I couldn’t allow it in my head. I turned it off. I was two. I created Fluffikins, a fluffy teddy bear-like entity with a human face, long blond hair, and blue eyes.” He smiled. “Fluffikins looked like you Justin. He was always there to comfort me. I tried to be good. I tried but I was two when daddy got drunk and didn’t like how I was eating my food, Jell-o was not quite making it to my mouth. I made a mess. I was having trouble using a spoon. It kept wiggling off. Joan had made multicolored Jell-o. It was fun. Daddy didn’t think so. He slapped my hand, pulled me out of the high chair roughly, took me to my room and promptly pulled down my pants taking off his belt and hit me good. It was my first time trying to feed myself Jell-o. I cried from the shock of being hurt and because I cried, he hit me more telling me that I was being a sissy. I was not to cry. I was only a baby. He hit me five times with his belt. Then he locked me in my room. I was not allowed to leave. I yelled I needed to go to the bathroom and I was not allowed out. I wet myself three times that night. Joan didn’t even come to my rescue at two. Two years old and already I was in the house of hell. I cried myself to sleep. I slept on wet sheets. I was punished in the morning for that. I was only two. A baby still. I wasn’t completely potty trained but I was locked in. I was locked in.” The pain that Brian was feeling was devastating. Justin was reeling from it. How could parents do this to their children?” Brian was teary-eyed. Some were streaking his cheeks. “I had a purpose when I was born. I felt it. I was to bring light to others and soon the light that I was became just a dying ember lost to me. Soon I lost who I was. I became a punching bag for Jack. My purpose was to be his anger management toy. I was just a baby. Just a baby and already I could do nothing right. How could a baby be in sin all the time? I was told I had to be good or I would go to hell. A two year old already threatened as a sinner. That age you don’t know right or wrong. ” Now, Brian was sobbing. Justin started to rock him. The pain Brian was reliving was truly hurting him as if it was happening in the now. It was so strong that Gus came out of his room and crawled up on the sofa on the other side of Brian as Justin was holding him. Gus started to hug his dad, tears rolling down his face. “Daddy, it’s okay. It will be okay. I love you daddy. I love you.” In his sob-laden reality, Brian pulled his son to him and hugged back. The three hugged each other and didn’t let go. The acceptance he was getting from both of them was healing. It was so hard to relive but it was so good to let the pain out. Share it. Let others see the feeling Brian Kinney, but it was so very hard to do. “Thank God, the gang wasn’t here to see the change in him, see him falling apart.” Brian thought. They rocked, soothing each other from the pain for an hour. Gus somehow understood why he had never met his grandparents. His father had been adamant about it. “Gus, I never wanted you to get hurt. They are still ugly people, people who judge and won’t accept any deviation from what they perceive to be normal. The religious fanatic and the homophobic prick.”

Soon the closeness of Justin against Brian and the emotion filled night was making the two of them horny. Brian’s thoughts switched from hurt to need and lust. “He needed release. No, he had to have release. He must have release. And Now!” Those thoughts kept coming fast and furious. Those thoughts were tantamount. He couldn’t go on if he didn’t have release. “NOW! I have to feel flesh against me now. I have to feel myself ramming into someone. I have to have control again. I need to feel in control. Must be in control! MUST!” Brian started to pace. He had Gus. He needed it. He had to feel something and fast or else he would lose whatever semblance of control he had left. And in front of Gus. Justin walked up to Brian, turned him around and kissed him. Kissed him tenderly, gently, and with the promise of more.