As I contemplate my life, I realize that from the first night, I was claiming you as mine. That very special night we first met, my heart sang. I wanted to, but knew I could never turn away from you. I tried to bolt but you drew me in. That posture, those eyes, spoke volumes to me. You stood against the post, and I couldn't miss you. I was throwing my jacket into the Jeep and I felt a pull on me, something forcing me to turn your way. It had been a boring night, just run-of-the-mill tricks. Then you came along. I should have run away because I knew deep down inside, you could never be a trick. As I talked to you, my life changed. No longer would my rules stay intact. All my rules went out the window that night. After that night, if I saw you again, I would never let you go.

It used to be Mikey I would go to for an opinion, but I barely knew you, yet you were the one I chose to help pick my son's name. A trick you never were. A trick would never have had such a privilege. Even from the start, Lindsay noticed the look I gave you, a precious loving look. Something I never shared with another except Lindsay and now Gus and you. I used that look when I said you could suck my tits and you smiled a big smile. Why did you come into my life on that fateful day? Gus was born to me that night, but I was born to the two of you. A side of me I had so expertly hidden from others and to myself now ached to be free. I was scared, terrified to let anyone in. How did you manage it in an instant? Why did you not let me go? I fight the thought of you because you are my soulmate. We are connected. We are locked into each other. I fight my need for you. I am not your lover or your partner. At least, that is what I kept telling myself. Actually, you are more than that. You are my heart.

That first morning after Gus was born, I said, "Fuck, I have a baby." Then I paused and as I heard the water running I said aloud "two babies." Again, I was acknowledging you, claiming you as mine. Two innocents born to me and thrust into my care, two young people I could love unconditionally, whether I was ready or not. But can I love unconditionally? Am I capable? Am I too damaged? Gus doesn't expect anything from me but you do. Can I give you what you want? I don't think so. That terrifies me. I feel I need to protect myself from you. The only way I feel I can protect myself is to push you away, but I really don't want you to ever leave me. I push and push but I still want you here. I just don't feel worthy enough to have been given two gift; Gus and you.

Both babies made my heart flutter and made me feel whole. Justin, you were an innocent, so new to the life into which I brought you, so new to life itself, and so ready to live. You were a gift I needed. Your enthusiasm and adulation brought a newness into my life and made me feel young again as if I was Spring, as if I was being reborn, and I was. I was the one in awe. How could you have entered my life, accepting me for who I am and you saw me for who I really was, not the facsimile I portray? You saw into my soul. You saw the real me and suddenly I couldn't hide. That frightened me. I didn't know where to run so I tried to push you away but you weren't buying the act. You knew all I really wanted was to feel you, smell you, run into your open arms as you did into mine that first night. Each night and day I see you, I melt and want to be engulfed in you, protected by you. You scare me because you see under the mask, you scare me because I know I need you, and you scare me because I am afraid of losing you. What have I to offer you except my damaged soul? I need you more than you will ever know. I will never tell you how much. I won't even allow myself to think how much I need you.

I can't believe I took you to the hospital that night Gus was born. That was an event that was personal and only for those closest to me; Lindsay and Mikey. Yet, I couldn't help myself I needed you there. Only at the time, I didn't consciously realize that. You compliment me. I am a man-boy and you are a boy-man.

That night I was high but I also knew I needed to claim you, take you to heaven, and lose myself in you. I really needed to get as close as I could to you. I truly wanted to feel one with you and once was not enough. I couldn't get enough of you. You nearly wore me out but it felt so good. I never felt so alive. You learned fast too. Before I knew it, you were hungrily devouring my body, taking over, making me feel things I haven't felt with anyone else. I soon was wondering who the teacher was and who the student was. You were teaching me things about myself that excited and frightened me at the same time. The way you touched me brought me to heights I haven't reached since my teens, since I put my walls up. How are you making me feel again? How are you reaching behind the walls? Justin, you are a challenge I accept. You are love. Will there be two winners or two losers? Will I choose to be a loser, fearful of being loved?

The morning after, I had to have you surround me again. I didn't want to let you go, yet I needed to, because I would be lost to you if I saw you again. I tested you that morning with the Jeep. You passed the test. I was so proud of you. You made me smile. You bring out the best in me. I was myself with you that night because I sensed you knew who I was. You could never be a trick to me. Even the first time I took your gift to me, I knew you were not or could never be just about sex. My heart jumps when you walk into a room, when you look into my eyes and when you give yourself to me so completely and so lovingly. You were so very special. You are so very special. You are my boy-toy. You are my son. I claim you as mine. You are so much more. Sunshine, you light up my spirit.