J

When you left, I cried. Yes, Brian Kinney has emotions. Yes, I cried, and I died. Did I have a reason to live without you? I think not. This isn't living, it is only surviving. I follow my routine each and every day, but I am not happy, I cannot feel. I am numb, numb to the world, numb to life, numb to everything. I cried hard and long. Why am I like this? Why did I push you away or did I. Was that just an excuse to leave me? Was there something underlying your quest for romance? Romance was just an excuse. What was the real reason you left? I only want your happiness. I lived like this before you walked down Liberty Avenue into my life. But, this is different. You brought down my walls, stripped my of my rules, cracked my emotional resolve, you opened up my heart and then left me with a bleeding, seeping heart and a strangled soul. Why did you leave me like this? I would have been better off dead. I am the walking dead. I have no defenses. I lost my love and my life.

You kept me feeling young. Your sunshiny smile meant so much to me. It kept me warm. It anchored me. Your love empowered me. Your adoration awakened me. You brought life to my soul. You read me like a book, seeing what others couldn't see. You didn't take my guff and always confronted me. Then you were hurt. Everything changed. Before you never gave up, you always came back. Then you stopped reading me and you held yourself back, you were slipping away. I knew not where you were going. Emotionally, you were not there anymore. Then you were gone. I was alone. What do I do now? Will I heal? Will I free my soul? Will you? Will you ever return? Will I be able to trust you again with my heart and my soul? When you return, I will open my arms and beckon you in as I did that first night. Standing naked then, I let you see my inner soul not just my body. You accepted my invitation then and I hope you will now. My heart and my soul ache for your return, ache for your touch, ache for your love, and ache for your knowing.

Why did you leave so long ago? What did I do wrong? Why did you push it? Why did you need to hear the words? I gave you my love, my soul, my heart and my body. I couldn't give you the words. Why did you have to have it all? Did you know, I cried many a night when you were pulling away? I bottomed for you, only you. Didn't that show how much I loved and trusted you? What else did I have to do? I don't have the words I just have the actions. I will ask no questions, just come back to me. My arms will spread wide and I will engulf you, keep you safe and protect you. You are a man now, No longer a boy. No longer an innocent. No longer are you fearless. Will you ever heal? Will I? Will you love me as a man? Am I man enough for you? What else must I change? I have changed so much for you.

The time moves so slowly. Each day feels like a week, each week like a year. Forget about the months. I feel abandoned. I feel lost. I am lonely for my love. I still cry late at night when nightmares deluge upon my dreams. I rarely trick anymore because when I do, I only see you. I cry out your name, and tremble long after I have released my load. I am incomplete without you. I need you to complete me. I will never love another. If you don't return, I will forever be alone. I will forever love you. I will forever live in the memories. I want to build more memories. What are you doing right now? Are you thinking of me? Do you miss me as I do you? Do you still love me as you promised you always will?

What do I miss, you ask? Let me give you a list. It is long. Here it is:

1) I miss that sunshiny smile.
2) I miss your nagging.
3) I miss your clothes strewn all over
4) I miss waking up with you by my side.
5) I miss our morning showers.
6) I miss you washing my back.
7) I miss bottoming for you. I want it badly.
8) I miss looking in your eyes.
9) I miss your love.
10) I miss you saying how much you loved me. It never really bothered me.
11) I miss you kibitzing me about my age.
12) I miss holding you.
13) I miss kissing you.
14) I miss watching you sleep. It was a guilty pleasure.
15) I miss your constantly drawing me. I know I always complained.
16) I miss you working on the computer.
17) I miss your cooking
18) I miss you.
19) I miss the enthusiastic way you made love. It was always like a first time. So exciting, exhilarating, so erotic.
20) I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I MISS YOU! There now I am shouting it. Do you hear me? How many times must I say it? This list can go on and on and on. I miss you so much. My life isn't the same.

When you return to me, I will be here. There is no place for me to go. I cannot hide. I cannot run from you anymore. I cannot run from myself. I am here to stay. I hope you will return to me I will open my heart, open my soul, open my arms, cry happy tears, and know that I am finally saved from the bottomless pit of no return that only my true love can save me from. You are my savior. You are my anchor. Your are my true love, my soul mate. I welcome you back.

With all my love

B