J

What has happened to us? Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? I did all I could. I was upfront with who I was. I knew I was damaged. I spoke the truth. I never lied to you. I told you I couldn't say the words. I had hoped my actions spoke to you. That is the only way I know to show my love, my feelings for you. I was there always when you needed me and I still will be. You have gotten under my skin. You are a part of me now. I will never be rid of you for you have taught me I could love. I could feel love and in many ways I can show it. I just can't say it yet. I can't tell you my feelings yet. Oh, I have wanted to many times, but my guard is still too strong, too much in place. You have chipped it away and I have big gaping holes in it where you have touched me, changed me.

I have had a hard life as have you but I have more years to tear down, my innocence long gone, if I ever possessed it. I don't know. I don't remember a time when I was truly innocent except when I was still in the crib, but that was too long ago to count. That is a time no one really remembers anyway, it is remembered only through the stories told and very few about me were ever told. Not like with Mikey. Deb always tells stories. Mikey would get so embarrassed, especially the one story when she was changing his diaper and he sneezed and the mucus landing in her open underwear drawer. That story is a keeper. I have very few good memories of my childhood. All I seem to remember are the hurts, the disappointments, and the abuse to my body, mind, and soul. I choose not to remember but to keep them locked in a box in the corner of my mind. Sometimes they slip out and I am the worse for the remembering. I have never let you see that part of me. I'd rather you see me strong, confident and in control then to see me out of control and sobbing uncontrollably. Actually, I fight a daily battle to keep myself from doing just that.

Maybe, you didn't think it was the truth that I was hiding behind a face. You are right. I was. The demeanor that I so studiously portray speaks of the confident, sensuous man. I am more than that. Much more and you have seen it, a glimpse here or there. I am too complex and too hurt to share it all. In time, I thought I would be able to slowly let you glimpse in the recesses of my mind. As I relaxed around you, I felt more secure. I knew in time, I would let you further in. Then suddenly, everything started to fall apart. I hung on, hoping against hope that things would smooth out. A part of me kept saying, I am not worthy of you, and another part told me to let you go to live your life. I listened, I fought and I lost the battle. I knew I had to let you go. Deep inside, I had always hoped to see that you would stay as you did that first night. No matter the crisis you have always returned to me. Will you return to me after Ethan or will you be too guilt-ridden. I will be here with open arms for I do love you. Don't fear. I will not bite. We could start over. Building trust again for we have a history. We have been braided together. We are drawn to each other. I know I am.

Are you listening? Do you hear my call? Do you hear my heart screaming? Where are you? Do his words really do it for you? Is there something missing? Do you really love him? Do you love him with your whole being or do you just love the words he can easily say? I gave you all I had, all of me. You are the only one I make love to and for me it is a gift I give you—myself. I am not ice, I hurt, I feel, I love and it was you, only you that I have loved. Please return to me. I am here with open arms. Come home to the safety of my arms. I will wait.

B