Gus,

Today is Thanksgiving. I never was one for holidays. It seems my folks; your grandparents didn't like holidays. Holidays affected the natural order of things. Holidays ruined the comfort of routine. Holidays were when I knew the fireworks would begin, after much drinking. It was a time of loose tongues and too much abuse. Sorry, I could never get into the holiday spirit.

I know now that I have you, I will have to change, but it will take a while. Be patient. Gussy, I would do anything for you, even if it has to include celebrating the holidays. Justin is already on me about them, about decorating, bringing in a Christmas tree, celebrating, buying presents, accepting the mess and the frivolity of the season. The season only brought me woes. I didn't even have gifts a lot of the time. It was a scary time for me. Maybe between you and Justin, I can erase the bad memories and build some new ones. That is what Justin was trying to sell me. New more improved memories. Even though, it is a time of year I have always ran away from, it is also a time of year for new beginnings, new memories for you. I am in a battle wanting to run from the holidays and wanting to share each new adventure with you, your time on Santa Claus' lap, the opening of presents for your first Christmas and Chanukah. I am sure Mel will want to celebrate that too. I am chuckling at the thought of the time, I stopped the Bris. I wouldn't let you be cut. I want you the way G-d intended. I have never celebrated Chanukah. Don't know what it entails but I know the history behind it. Seems Jews always are celebrating and remembering their history. Somehow, they see joy in everything even the most devastating. They remember so they won't forget and somehow it gives them a strength no other nation has. I read a lot about them when I was in college. I took a course on the Jewish Mystique. It was very interesting.

Seeing your smile and Justin's, I know I will lose the battle. I will learn to smile and enjoy the holidays. It is such a decorative time. The city brightens. The stores are aglow and your smile widens. The stress increases but the pleasures do too. It has always been a depressing time for me. To see the holidays through a child's eyes will be a blessing for me. To see your joy and excitement as these holidays take on significance in your life as each year goes by will allow me to live them vicariously through you since I never had good memories of these holidays. I see between you and Justin, I will be celebrating all out this year. Justin will not accept anything less. I love his enthusiasm. I hate the fuss and bother. It will disrupt the norm. The loft will never be the same.

Gus, he is so special. I really love him. I didn't think I could ever love anyone. He has changed all that. He has made me vulnerable and I know we are in for rough times because he is so young but he and you are my lights at the end of the tunnel. I just can't give him all he wants. I am so afraid to open completely and because of that, someday I may lose him. No matter what, I want him always in your life. He loves you so much. Well, today, I guess Justin has planned the whole day out for me and like you, I can't say no to him. He has also planned tomorrow out and it seems we are getting the ornaments and such for the tree and the tree. Don't tell him, Gus but I am actually excited about this. I am looking forward to it even if I am going to the malls because of the elation it will bring to Justin's face, his smile and his eyes will sparkle, like a million stars. And I will be rewarded in that way as well as others. The look he will have will be worth the aggravation and the crowds. I just can't tell him that. I can't show him how vulnerable he has made me. He has ripped away so many walls.

Well, I guess I am signing off for now because he is stirring. I don't want to be caught writing this letter. He doesn't know I write letters to him and you. I don't want him to know.

Lovingly, Dad