J

Justin, I sit here alone and I am contemplating our time together. I am missing you even more than I could think possible. The loft is cold and empty without you. There is so much to tell you. There is so much I have never said. I have implied many things. I have denied things too often. Shakespeare said it so well. "I think thou protest too much." Wasn't that Hamlet or something? Well, I have protested myself out of happiness, or was it omission that caused the split. The only time, I have ever felt joy was with you. Maybe, it was my fucking pride. I remember your first pride. How you were looking forward to it. You had forgotten all your trials; you were so caught up in the excitement until you saw Hobbs at the hospice. It was all I could do to get you to celebrate Pride. I felt so happy when your smile came back as you were walking with Jennifer. I knew then that I had been right to push you out the door and go to the parade. I will tell you a secret; I was second guessing myself all morning. It was all worthwhile when I saw that special Sunshine smile everyone has come to call your own. God, I miss that smile. It lit up my life.

I miss so many things about you, about us, about me. I guess I will tell you about me first. I miss the joy I felt in the morning when I knew you were next to me in our bed. Yes, I said OUR. The loft was our home, the bed our bed, the shower our shower, the kitchen never became ours, it went from mine to yours. You took it over. You made it yours and I got the rewards for letting that happen. Your food. So scrumptious. I knew I would gain weight if I ate everything you know how to prepare, especially those luscious desserts. They would be the death of my waist. I would say no to the dessert you made but you would share your piece with me. I got to have some without all the calories of a whole piece. Who am I kidding? By the time you had three or four pieces, you probably had given me at least a full piece. We both knew the truth, but we kept the game going. You kept quiet, knowing if you said anything, I would stop and then I would not be able to indulge in your goodies. You knew how to play me. Believe it or not! I miss it. I miss the games at the dinner table with the food and with sex. Food became important in our relationship. Should I count the ways we used ice cream? Maybe not. That should fall in the us category. I miss the times I felt loved, cherished, wanted. No one ever wanted me like you did. Even with Mikey, it was different. I looked forward to coming home, being able to talk to you about my day, a new client, or why I was in a hellish mood. You were always so interested. Someone really cared about what I had to say. You were the only one ever to truly want to know about me, my feelings, my thoughts, my needs, my desires. I opened up to you more than anyone else. I will never let anyone else in, like I did with you. I needed that. I got used to it so fast. I didn't realize just how much something so simple, sharing, could mean so much. For me, our relationship, yes, I used the r-word, was not about sex. It started out that way, but it quickly changed. Sex was the way, I communicated to you or so I thought. It wasn't just a fuck with you. For some reason it never was. I could have any trick for a quick fuck or a blowjob. If I just wanted release, anyone could have done that. You gave me so much more. You gave me back myself. I started to see myself in your eyes. The person I hid from everyone including myself. I actually started to like myself. Your drawings made me feel special. I was somebody. I was important to someone. I started to strive for more, not in the business end, but in other ways, in ways that Debbie would be proud. My life was changing.

Yes, my life was changing and all do to you. There is so much more about me that changed because of simple things and because of you. You were my light in the darkness. When you wore your smile, it lit up any room you were in, it lit up the loft, but it lit me up as well. It was like I was lying naked in the blazing sunlight with a sweet breeze flowing over me every time. I need to see that smile again. The darkness is overpowering.

You went after me like a hawk swooping down for the kill. Your tenacity to get what you wanted surpassed mine tenfold. I loved that about you. You went after what you wanted with ferociousness, I don't think I ever possessed it to that extend. You used this quality in your drawing as well. I admired you for that. I miss watching you during those times.

What else do I miss about you? That could be a very long list. I miss your smile, your scent when you are freshly showered, your scent after sex, and your scent after a long day. I even miss your scent mixed with cologne. I miss you chiding me about my age. Only you could get away with that. I miss your enthusiasm about life, the holidays, about most anything. You seem to have the gift of wonder like a newborn baby. Your enthusiasm even surpasses Gus at times. Gus, beautiful Gus and you. That is another thing I miss. I miss watching the interaction between the two of you. You could always communicate with Gus. You were a natural with kids. I can't forget that first night, the night I met you and Gus. You named Gus. I asked you and you didn't hesitate. You picked his name. That is something I also miss. You knew your opinion and you weren't afraid to voice it. That is until the end. Towards the end, you became silent, evasive, and elusive. That I don't miss. That wasn't my sunshine. What did I do to make you feel you had to hide?

I miss the sounds you make when you are eating and during sex. The groans and moans are like music to my ears, pushing me on to please you more. Sex with you became not able me but about more ways I could find to please you. When you called my name, it was like the angels were singing. It meant more to me than you would ever know. Briiiiiiiiannnnnnnnnnnnnnn! You would sound. I could almost cum from that sound alone. It meant so much. It sometimes would span a whole octave. Once you came into my bed that first night, sex no longer was the same. I started out the teacher, and became the student. I showed you the fundamentals but you showed me the intricate inter-weavings that surrounded the fundamentals. You were a rapid learner, talented, and you saw nuances I could never have found because you were innocent, in love, and you saw the big picture while not forgetting about the pixels that it took to make that picture and each pixel was just as important to you as the completed picture. That is how I felt when you made love to me; I was a zillion pixels, all of which had to be tasted before culmination could occur. I let you top me because you made me feel so alive. No one else before or after has been able to make me feel like that again. I miss your touch.

I missed your infectious giggling when I tickled you or when we were being playful. It was a sweet sound. I would find myself giggling. Something that had been rare until you came into my life. This may sound weird but it seemed like you knew me before and already knew my soul. Could we have known each other before? I said it would sound silly.

I miss your looks. You had so many. The look of lust would make me react immediately. I could never resist that look. But it was your look of disappointment when I hurt you that really said volumes. I would hate myself for days. I would try to make it up to you without being romantic, without flowers. I would try to show with actions what I couldn't say in words. Most of all, I liked watching you sleeping. The look of peace and contentment flowed into me from you. I became content because of you.

I learned to feel joy and happiness as well as heartache, and heartbreak. I learned what was meant and how it felt when that love was lost. Justin, you may not believe this but I feel lost without the lessons you have given me, and were going to give me. You never knew you were the teacher, did you. Well, you were. In the two years you were with me, you taught me so much. You taught me to feel. You taught me how to love. You taught me I could love. Other lessons included: how to be in touch with myself, to love myself as well as others. That one I have to do a lot of homework before I get that right. I still hear my mother's words about how I am unworthy of love, even self-love. You taught me life was worth living. You showed me how to see life and my surroundings through your eyes. Your drawings brought to life so many things I have overlooked. So much around us is beautiful. We need to look around and appreciate that beauty. That is a gift from you to me.

Justin, I am sorry that I hurt you so much. You just asked for something I wasn't yet ready to give. Your lessons hadn't gotten me there yet. If only you waited a little longer, maybe the changes that have occurred and the changes yet to come would have helped me arrive at a point that I could say what you needed. I miss you telling me you loved me. It helped me change. I understood you needed it from me but I was still a baby learning to walk. I am still falling down. I need you to help me walk. I need you to pick me up.

What do I miss most about us? I think I would say just having a quiet time on Saturday or Sunday morning. Just talking and being together like a hetero-couple. Yep, I said that. Except I think we speak more without words than most heteros. I miss our showers together, so intimate, so caring, and so sensual. It was about touching you and then it would more often than not move into a sexual encounter. I loved that. I also loved the fact you couldn't get enough of me. When did that change? I still can't get enough of you. I liked walking with you and I loved dancing with you. At Babylon, at Woody's, at the loft, it didn't matter. It was the closeness and the intensity of the dance, of our bodies trying to melt into each other. The dance on the dance floor continued to the loft and into our bed. More often than not, we couldn't get enough. Yet, we were entwined time and again. Please dance with me again. Yes, I miss the sex. How could I not. You were the master. You had to be a master. We really had something special. Why did it take me so long to realize what I lost? Justin, it hurts so! Do you hurt too?

Justin, there is still so much more to say, so many more ways I miss you, so much you have yet to teach me. Funny, I thought I might have found someone I could grow old with. I just miss being with you more than I thought possible. I am here with open arms if you ever deem to frequent my door again. I love you Sunshine.

B