J

Baby, why did you give up on me, on us? Since Rage, I have seen you a few times, each time it feels like I have been socked in the gut, yet I need a doze of your sunshine daily. It is stronger than any drug. It keeps me going. I want you happy. I saw you smile today. It used to be for me. You deserve it. You opened me up, broke down my walls, now I grieve for what I have lost. For the walls, I no longer can erect and for you, my baby. Oh, I hope we can find our way back to each other. I can’t, I won’t beg you back but I wish I could. Why do I have to be so unbendable when it comes to love?

J, why didn’t you see through me, when I told you it was up to you to choose. Didn’t you see, I wanted it to be me? When did you want to go? When did you actually leave me? When did you stop looking into my eyes and seeing my soul. When did you stop seeing the child that I used to be, the one true Brian Kinney you used to be able to tap, the one not yet damaged?

I don’t understand, I gave you all I had to give. I changed because you showed me how. Why did you need the words? I gave you, me. My actions were screaming loud and clear, but somehow, you stopped listening. Why did you stop listening?

Baby, today I did something I never did before. I hit Mikey.

I couldn’t believe he was saying those things about you. How could he? I was getting angry but he went too far, way too far.

He said you would be better off dead, implying I would be better off without you. You don’t realize what you did for me.

I was shallow, wallowing in the land of boredom, doing things just to survive. When I was with you, laughter came back into my life. No longer was my life the color grey, shades darker and lighter depending on what happened at work, all of a sudden, my life was a rainbow of colors, brighter and brighter each day, not just shades but hues were brought to me. Now, the colors are that of blood, each shade from bright crimson red to dried-up-blood-red. The only other color I now see is yellow, Sunshine yellow, of your smile and your hair when you are near. I paint myself black, like the ashes I was meant to be. Without you, my heart keeps bleeding, inside it is crying, I am so alone now without you.

J, can’t you see the loft is nothing but a hollow shell without you. There is no humor there now, no life, no hope. Our home isn’t home anymore. It never felt like home before you. It was just a place to change my clothes, do some tricks, and shower the sweat and dirt of it off. With you, it wasn’t a hollow act, which made me feel beautiful for a moment, loved for the same moment, and then suddenly, more alone once the act was done.

With you there was a feeling that evolves, elusive elements finally coming together, anticipation of ardor aroused, you gave me hope, afterwards, I felt loved. The euphoria, ecstasy, and eager enthusiasm that was you sent me happily into the world. I felt truly beautiful for once in my life, INSIDE and out. You did that for me. Now, there is no one to lead the way,

no one to guide my steps, no one that really truly cares about me. You instinctively knew how to love, how to light up a room, how to light up my life, warm me up. Now, it is like I have been put into a freezer. I feel so numb, so cold. I feel so old. You made me young.

You may have been the younger of us, but you had wisdom beyond your years, while I was still in my childhood, not able to grow until you came. It’s has been such a short time since you left, a time to get my bearings only without you, I am lost.

I need you, Sunshine, please, lets get to know each other again.

B