J

I have been watching you lately and it has been hard to see you with another, so very hard but if you are happy then it is worth the pain. So much is pushed under the bridge with us. We have been through a lot. We have always communicated more without words and tonight was no different. Tonight, our language was stronger and more intimate than ever. Words could never say what I really felt. We were always there for each other. From the moment I spotted you, I knew you had to be in my life but I fought it for so long. Now you aren't there in the center of it, but only on the periphery and it still hurts.

Tonight showed me how much I still wanted you with me. When you brought back the cowry bracelet and put it on me, the sparks, the electricity was still there, still shooting between us. I felt it and I knew you felt it from the look in your eyes. Your touch in the process of tying it was so intimate. It took all my willpower to stop myself from kissing you and making love to you right there on the spot. I felt you wavering too. I wanted you back but not that way. I knew if I were going to avoid doing the wrong thing, I had to break the spell. I had to say something. I said something to the effect of "isn't it time to go back to your boyfriend." Double edged that was. I knew it would break the spell. It did its job beautifully. Subtlety with truth. It was a way of saying come back and a way of saying go. My acid tongue would send you away, but it would also nag at you, wondering what exactly I meant by it. You had sensed the double meaning. Now you will want to know if I meant it. God, I wanted to make love to you then.

You have always been the only one that has ever accepted me completely, never doubting me when someone was making trouble for me. You never waver. You know me. You know my moral code and how much it means to me. Everyone else had a nagging doubt, a silent wish that it could be true. Will Kinney stay down for the count? So many people want to see me fail. You don't. Your love is true and you know me like no other. I don't know how you do it, but you always make things right, when others write me off. This isn't the first time and I know it won't be the last. I know you still love me and you always will. The question is, are you still IN love with me. I am IN love with you.

Funny, how that is the same for me. I will always be there for you. I had to hit Mikey at the munchers' anniversary. I warned him. I told him to shut up. I told him to drop it. Finally, I had to hit him. I couldn't let that last remark go. It was so mean and unfair. He said I should have let you die. How could he? Of all the things I expected out of his mouth. That was never it. I just reacted in defense of you.

As always, no one asked what happened or why. Bad boy Brian had lost it. Brian was trouble, yet again. Mikey could do no wrong. Even Debbie called me an animal. I still keep hearing it over and over. Not once did she ask either of us what happened, even when Mikey said it was his fault and that he deserved it. She would be dumbstruck that Mikey could have said that. She would never believe it. No one ever wants my side of the story. Never ever! I learned long ago, just take it and keep your mouth shut. Debbie says I am like a son to her, but I am the black sheep in her eyes and the one she always blames. Shit! I am tired of it all. Tired of never being accepted, always blamed. But who do they turn to when they are in trouble? Me! I never throw what they have said up at them and deny the help. That isn't me. Besides, it gives me some purpose, a place in the family. One that they can't deny. It also makes me feel good.

Mikey is more upset than I am. He puts his nose into my business way too often and is way too needy. Why is it that everyone else can have a lover, but not me? Why don't they see that I can love? Why is it that Mikey thinks he needs to defend me and tell you off? He had no right. He doesn't see what I see. He doesn't know what I know. He is so judgmental of you. It isn't right. He doesn't know how much you did give me. You gave me challenges, hope, a belief that I could be better, that I was worth something, that I was worthy to be loved, even if I drove you away. You didn't want to go. I learned about myself, that I could change for someone else, that I could love a child—my own son. He lights up my life, but you are my sun, Sunshine. I don't understand why you listen to Mikey. He doesn't talk for me or for any of us. Maybe, it is because you are young. Whatever the reason, stop listening to him.

By the way, I went to the comic book store after I punched him. I got him a $23 Kansas City steak for that shiner. A peace offering. I couldn't help it. I reacted before I thought. I saw red. He actually tried to apologize. He knew he was wrong. I would have never hit you. I needed your forgiveness for reacting even though you weren't there to tell me. You would have told me to make up with him, so I did. I kept hearing what I thought you would tell me to do. I took that voice and did it my style, my way. You don't want our relationship fractured. You have shown me that more than once.

Lately, I have been using Mikey as a substitute, so I am not alone all night. I keep taking him away from Ben. I figured I would do it once or twice and then one of them would put their foot down. It lasted two weeks and some. Mikey wouldn't disappoint me but he kept hurting Ben. Ben put his foot down. Good for him. Now I am going it alone again. Am I ready? Not sure about that, but I have to go on.

This is a letter about temptations. I was tempted and reacted by punching Mikey, tempted to use Mikey and did for a time. I am not proud of that. He went willingly though. I was tempted in making love to you again. At least, I stopped myself there. It would have been the worst thing I could do. You know I needed you that night I hit Mikey, I needed to feel you so much. I couldn't be alone that night. I ordered up a hustler that night, one that had your hair color and length, your build. It was worth the money. I could totally feel you with me, the illusion was perfect. I buried my hand in your hair, smelled you, I was fantasizing that it was only you. No one else. The demons left that night. In my mind, I was making love only to you. Unfortunately, the dawn came. I had to face another day without you, one day at a time, one more morning, one more night, over and over again. Always without you.

Tempted B