These are my thoughts about you, my dearest sonny boy. You are so very special to me. That night you were born was such an extraordinary night, so perfect in two ways-you and Justin. We three are braided together and will always be a part of each other, no matter what the future brings.

I have a son, a baby, a little someone from my loins. I can't believe it! It really happened. It feels so surreal. How did Lindsay talk me into this? To be a father, a dad! I am a father. I gave my sperm and procreated, but can I truly be a good dad? Gus, you are a true miracle, a little live person and you belong to me. Sonny boy, you are so beautiful, so innocent, so alive and so very unique. I marvel at my good fortune. Am I ready? Can I do this? I may have only shot in a cup, but the results are the same. I am a father and not just a father--a gay father. Will my precious one be gay or straight? Your two parents are gay. But it won't matter. I will love you either way, sonny boy. Such a prized gift you were that landed into my lap that night Justin walked into my life. No! Two gifts from God! Why is God opening my heart? Why now? I have been cultivating such a good mask for years so I couldn't get hurt and now, love is being forced into my life. I have kept love away from me, pushing it as far away as I can. I have held Mikey at bay for seventeen years. It has taken time and much pain for me to reach this point. Not forced, more like love is insinuating itself into my heart leaping and rejoicing. The ice in my heart is melting. It was I, who has given love a hard time. I am so terrified of love but not of you. No, never you! I see myself changing, slowly, but changing, accepting love, all due to you and to Justin. But with Justin, I still keep finding myself wanting to push him away. You are not a threat to me but he is. He is a threat to my mask, to my very existence, to the way others perceive me. He sees through me, forcing the walls to crumble, but I can't live without them. Or can I?

Gus, I am writing this so some day, you will know how much you really mean to me and how much I care about you. I want you to know how thrilled and awed I was by you. I want you to see the changes you cause in me. You were so small yet your eyes were so alive, even from the first moment my eyes looked into yours. Your movements showed how ready my sonny boy was to grab life. I also didn't like Abraham as a name. It was much too formal for my boy. It was too scholarly, too dull, too biblical and too demanding for my boy. You needed a name full of life, full of the excitement you will bring to the world. I was afraid of Mel, of how she would take it if I picked Gus. I was so happy Justin picked Gus. It fit you. It fit me. I know in my heart you will never disappoint me but I will disappoint you over and over and I am sorry for that.

I didn't plan on going to the Bris. I didn't even know what a Bris was. I thought it was just a party like a housewarming, just a reason to show you off. I didn't know it was about circumcision. I flew over there, speeding all the way when I found out. I may be circumcised but I had no say. You were born that way. Not even from birth are we accepted. I will always accept you as you are, with your strengths and with your weaknesses, with your flaws and with your perfections. To me you will always be perfect, perfection in humanity. I will be aware of your flaws but they will only intensify my belief in your perfection. You aren't Jewish and you don't need to be cut. I had to protect you, allow you to be who you are, as God made you. Can't anyone accept who we are? Who you are? If I don't protect you, who will? You are perfect just the way God made you. To protect you, I interrupted a religious practice. Too bad! So now there is just another reason I have given Melanie to cause friction between us. So what! I already got her angry when I wouldn't sign the life insurance policy with you as beneficiary. It had nothing to do with the money. My money is yours, Gus, if you need it. It was the way she was presenting it. Oh well, after the Bris, I guess I will give in and sign the policy. Maybe that will ease the way for Lindsay to soothe Mel. I didn't want to give Lindsay trouble. Really I didn't. I needed to protect you. That's all. That was my only motivation. I need approval so badly yet people only tell me how bad I am. Why don't they see my true self?

I never thought I would ever become a dad. Thank God for Lindsay's persistence. You are so lucky, sonny boy, to have such loving moms. They love each other and they love you. Mel wanted me to give up my parental rights to her. I almost did. I was about to sigh and the pen wouldn't write. I tried another pen but at that moment, I looked at you and I knew I couldn't do it. I loved you too much. You were mine. How could I deny you? Justin was against my giving up my rights from the start and he was right. You need me but I need you even more. Sonny boy, you have opened me up to life and I am so comfortable around you, I forget who I am. My mask lifts when I am around you. I am me-the true me-the one who I have hidden so well that I had hidden him even from myself. I started to believe the portrayal.

I wear a mask but so do so many other people. No one shows their true self all the time. People wear different hats, play different roles and they pretend to be someone they are not. Justin is open. He hasn't learned to hide his feelings. I am torn; torn between letting him live his life open and teaching him to build a hard shell, a wall of protection. He gets so easily hurt. But this openness is what is so unique and captivating for me. Gus, I am so afraid to disappoint Justin and I know I will hurt him over and over. Will all the hurts finally push him away? I can't tell him how important he is to me. I can't tell him how I feel. I know he will eventually need to hear the words. I don't know if I ever can, and I am so terrified I will lose him. Can I change for the two of you? For you! For him! For me! I am moving into unexplored territory. I am spiraling faster and faster into an adventure that I have no control. I have always been in control. What do I do now?

You give me all the approval I need, in the form of unconditional love. Something I never felt before, never from my mother or my father or my sister, but from you, I have felt it always present. My folks didn't know how to love. I hope I can live up to loving you in the way only a parent can, unconditionally. I float in its river. I have always run from love, but I can't and won't run from you. You pull at my heart, grabbing at my strings, strumming a song that I cannot resist and I am grateful for that strumming and for the song you have my heart singing. The night you were born changed me forever. With you, I can be myself, who I really am. I can smile and for a moment be comfortable with myself. Holding you, my mask is lifted. Being with you, my soul is warmed. So many times, I have wanted to come over just to hold you and look into your eyes. When I am at work and I want to scream, I just look into the picture on my desk and my heart leaps, a smile forms upon my lips and suddenly, I can deal again with the world. To be a dad is such a privilege. To be your dad is such a Godsend.

Sonny boy, this is only the first in many letters I will write to you. Maybe someday, I will be ready to let you read my thoughts, but right now, I am too raw, too uncertain to allow anyone to go behind the mask. May you always know I will love you, even beyond the grave.

Dad