Justin,

I don’t know why I feel this way, but I do. It seems so clear. You may laugh because you probably already know this. You have such great insight into people, but I try not to dwell on such things. I can hear your voice now. “Finally, it clicked. I have been saying this all along and you finally let the dawn in.” You’d chuckle and I would give you my glare and you would laugh harder. At least that would be the way you would react if we were alone here at the loft.

Well, here goes. Mel is like me because we are alike and that is why we don’t get alone. We are way too much alike. Mel and I both have something in our individual pasts that have made us who we are. I accept that. Isn’t that true of everyone? We have disappointments in our past that has given us a self-image of self-hatred that stems from love or more specifically, lack thereof and in Mel’s case, her previous inability to conceive. We both turned this fractured self-image inward and we became driven. Very driven. The difference between the two of us is that she knew what love could be. She wasn’t afraid of it. She was attracted to women and she had love with Leda. She was attracted to that type. What surprised her was falling in love with Lindsay who was not at all the type she originally gravitated towards.

I am the same. You, my Sunshine, are my Lindsay. You know the men I used to pick. Then you came along and my life changed. Each breath was a breath of fresh air. My life was no longer stale. I no longer wanted to die or felt that dying young was right for me. I wanted to live, to breathe, and to experience with you by my side. Things look so different now. Clearer. Alive. Colorful. Fuller.

We both wanted love in some way, but I was too afraid to fight for it. I was too scared to get hurt. It was easier to live with walls. To hide. To keep love away, but the old saying is true. Love finds a way. Love wanted me and it came in the form of you. I could not resist. I was floored by your beauty, your innocence, and the air of nervousness and fear. You were scared, but you knew you wanted something and to hell with the fear. You face things head-on. Well, you found that something in me. I was stunned you wanted me. So stunned and terrified. I didn’t know I was starving for it, that I wanted love like I wanted each breath. I had gone into my own cocoon to ward off love. I was certain I didn’t need it. What a crock? The funny thing is I craved love so much when I was younger. I grabbed any crumb I could perceive as love, but there was really none to be had. I starved. My parents broke it out of me. I was so broken, the walls came up then, slowly at first, but more rapidly later. It wasn’t until I met you that they would crumble at all. Not only did my walls crumble, but they totally collapsed at times. Oh, I could resurrect them for the outside wall upon wall, but they were never strong again. I would show myself and then quickly cover it up, but never again would they be as they were. Strangling vines had led way to thorny roses and then sunflowers. Sunflowers are no protection. How did you do it, Sunshine? How did you take the mortar away? The final piece of mortar gave way when my conscience bloomed and flowered. Don’t tell the family, but I know you always knew it was there. So did they, but they ignored it except when they needed something. You never asked for anything. Not like them. Greedy buggers. You asked for words, for affection, for love. Simple things that I was too afraid to show. Yet, you stayed on. Always returning. Why? You know how much of a show my mask is and you allow me to wear it, even though, you know I am someone else. I am glad you call me on it often. You do it so lovingly. Sometimes, it is just a whisper, but I hear.

I feared love, I was terrified, mortified, all out petrified. I was afraid if I opened up I would be pummeled off into the next century. Since we just arrived into a new one, it would be a long kick into the next one, now wouldn’t it. I am sure you would chuckle here or if I were speaking, you would jab me in the arm or leg. I couldn’t be disappointed again. It only brings hurt and pain. I forgot it brings joy and a giddy happiness too. I guess I forgot because unfortunately, I never experienced that side of it. I know that is worse than sad. No wonder I learned self-destructive coping skills, my pain management program. I learned early to find ways to hide. What other better ways than drugs, drink, and sex. You tell me. Actually, you did. With your love, so open and free.

You know you always saw the inner me. From day one, you knew who I really was. I didn’t but you did. You taught me to reacquaint myself with me. I ain’t half bad. You were so young and yet so old, much more mature than me. You are an old soul, Justin. I know you know what that is. It is true. You are. You are wise beyond your years, centuries upon centuries worth of wisdom. That is what gives you the confidence you have. I have too much baggage to allow myself to tap into my wealth. You don’t.

You face any obstacle and move forward. I guess I have kept my obstacles and enlarged them into high castle towers that are protected by moats and alligators. Until you. You are teaching me how to cross the moat and become free. You have a large task there, Sunny Boy. I have called you and Gus both Sonny Boy, but I spell it differently for each. Your smile is the key. From birth I have been pounded on, pushed down and I have pushed back up, but each time has taken a toll, ripped a layer off slowly and I couldn’t expect nothing less from my folks. That was my family of the past, but my present-day family pounds me pretty good, too. It’s always Kinney’s fault. Always. Well, that isn’t true and you know it. Thank God, you do. You push away the alligators and the pounders. You have allowed me to surface. I am scared and grateful at the same time. I have to get used to me again. I think it will be worth it. I know you do. The present family kept me trapped. Maybe, if I had not come home to work I might have learned this sooner. I wouldn’t count on it. I also would not have met you. Then again, who knows? I guess you are my only chance to keep my self-fulfilling prophecy from coming true. It already has changed. It used to be that I would die young. Well, I am past the age of that prophecy. You did that. You really did.

I guess fate won out. It came knocking in the form of you as love and I fell head-over-heels. You wrestled me until I submitted and I did, you know, submit. You are the dominant in this relationship. Yes, I used the word. You are the stronger. I can’t believe this. The King of Liberty Avenue is the follower, the submissive, but I am. I can’t help but do what you ask of me. Yeah, Yeah, except for that, but I tell you in so many other ways.

Okay, back to Mel. Both of us were screaming for love. Mel in her way and me in mine. Only I didn’t realize it self-consciously. My arrogant, standoffish persona screamed it so loudly that all came to me, men and women alike. Women wanted me just as much, too mother and as a lover. They sensed my need. Men wanted my expertise and each one hoped to land me. Few succeeded and only one stayed. You! I took the love I could find, a momentary release kind-of-love. Unfortunately, it didn’t last and I was still alone. Not anymore.

Hopefully, NEVER again!

B