Sunshine,

You have been my conscience monitor, my mentor, my guide. You whisper things in my ear and I find it within myself to not disappoint you. You have taught me so many things, not all easy to swallow. You showed me what integrity means to you. You won’t allow others to stop you when you know you have to take a stand. You have values and virtues that you won’t give up. You can look at yourself in the mirror and know your smile is who you are. You have always been true to yourself as long as I have known you.

You were open from the start. I watched as you stood up for what you believed in and you taught me how to support and stand up alongside you. The posters were awesome, but not enough. You took my advice when it made a point home, but you stood your ground where it mattered. I was proud of you for that. Really I was even though you were suspended. You stood up for yourself. I seem to lag in that department. You know I do. I guess I was trained to keep quiet. You showed me that to be true to myself, I just might have to suck it in and put all I have out there. I took a chance of losing everything, but I still have you. I took that chance as you did. I put everything on the line for Stockwell. Everything. I received the greatest smile from you.

Now Justin, what do I do? I am in hock up to my ears. All my possessions are gone. My lifestyle might as well be. I have no job. I have no money and I fear even if you were reinstated for the first time in my life I may not be able to keep a promise. That promise is to be able to help Lindsay monetarily and you. I may not have the tuition for you when they lift the suspension. I never go back on my word. I never want to disappoint you but I may.

As I ordered those many ads by the Concerned Citizens for the Truth, I rejoiced and died each time. Without a job, I was putting myself further in the hole, but I have always been for truth. You know that. I won’t lie. I will not say anything I don’t mean or believe. I know. I know. All that stuff I said early on I meant every word at the time. It was my defense but you changed all that. You really did. Well, back to what I was saying. I learned from the best and I delved into this new experience of risking everything. I hope you will be proud of me for taking this giant step for the sake of the community. For us. For you.

I called the TV store and they picked up my set. I had my favorite piece of art, my first investment in art sold for a pretty amount of change. It was only a dent in the debt. Then I sold it all. The minimalist look for me. I guess we will have those floor picnics because the floor is about all I have left. Yeah! I got the bed. I won’t give that up. It is too much related to who I am. It validates me. Isn’t that pathetic?

It was worth it though when I saw your stunned face. It was priceless. I confessed that it was me, Brian Kinney who put the truth out there. Is this out of character enough? Can I bleed now? Oh, right! I already am. I have possession withdrawal. Brian Kinney the shopaholic! Brian Kinney, the label queen. What is in store for me now? I loved how you reminded me how out of character it was for me. It was, wasn’t it? I saw astonishment and pride in those eyes. I also saw that you thought I had lost my mind but damn! You were proud of me. Maybe, this sense of addictive withdrawal is worth the price when I am rewarded with that.

I guess I am growing up. Peter Pan is coming of age. I lay upon the bed with you sleeping as I ponder my plight and write this letter that you may never see. I may have the shakes now. I may feel like all that has defined me is gone, but suddenly, I realize I like who I am becoming. Thank you for awakening me to me.

Hi, Brian Kinney. Glad to get to know you.

How did you know who was hiding behind the walls so long ago. Oh, how far we have come. Now my walls are crumbs around you and with them everything else has gone too, yet somehow I feel alive. I feel renewed. I think we make a great pair. I still have you. Guess I didn’t lose the most important thing. Partners! I have a partner and it finally feels right. Hell, I am still scared. Guess I will always be, but at least I am terrified with you by my side rather than alone. I guess we are on an equal footing now. We are both starting from scratch. What are you going to teach me next?

I guess an old dog can learn new tricks. Now this is definitely not going to get into your hands. You will kid me about my phraseology now to doomsday. Wait a minute! Isn’t this the apocalypse. It has to be. Brian Kinney is broke. Broke but in love. Definitely, you ain’t getting this letter. Where are the four horsemen?

Well, maybe tomorrow I will sit down and make a plan. Or maybe, I just might give myself a couple of days to dwell in this place of poverty and experience it before I start my road back into affluence. This possession withdrawal is for the birds. They can keep it. I will rise again. Rise and rise and rise. Hmmm! I think something else is rising. Better put this away. Sunshine, I think it is time for fun. I won’t allow possession withdrawal to make my dick soft. Definitely not! Enough self-pity. On with the dance.

B