Dear Justin,

I am so sorry. I can’t be what you want. I can’t come to you with this. I tried but I just can’t bring it up. I can hear you in my head. “Brian, tell me, tell me what is wrong. Don’t hide from me.” Well, Justin, this is hard enough for me. I went to the doctor. Fuck! I have it. I have what I dreaded. I didn’t want to believe it. A stupid trick had to tell me. A doctor. Why didn’t you notice? It would have been so much easier that way. This need of mine to hide it from you wouldn’t have been an option if you had noticed. You would have wanted to go to the doctor with me. You would have known what I was going through. Lapping it in your mouth, you should have felt it. YOU SHOULD HAVE FELT IT!

I didn’t want to mention my fears. Not to you, but more so, not to myself. To mention would have made them real. I couldn’t tell you how scared I was. I am petrified but they said we found out in time. It is just one nut. One fucking nut! I will be lopsided but I will be alive. Actually, I won’t be a one-ball wonder. They have replacements so I will be able to hide it from you just as long as I keep it hidden from you until the incision heals. Shit! You will notice that too.

Do you know how scared I am right now? To go under the knife! To change who I am forever. Jack deserved cancer, but me? Haven’t I had enough bad happen to me?

I can’t tell you. I just can’t! To voice it would mean I am no longer a man. I have to do this by myself. I have to just get on a plane and go to John Hopkins and get the surgery. ALL BY MYSELF. How am I gonna hide this from you when I get back. You know every inch of me. You know the feel of me and now you will try to touch me and I will…I will be incomplete. No way, you aren’t going to notice! Just touching, you will realize it. You know how I feel in your mouth. You know how I am. I am no more. Justin maybe you won’t want me anymore. I am no good for you now. I don’t want to be without you, but…but…shit, Justin. !Why me! Why now! I just started Kinnetics and I have to leave. I guess I am a good salesman. You bought my trip. All I have to do is get you off balance and you bought right into it. I am sitting here in my hospital room and I am prepped for surgery. I really want you here by my bedside, soothing me, but I just couldn’t ask you to come. I couldn’t face knowing that I would be imperfect, incomplete. The great Brian Kinney damaged through and through now. Damaged beyond repair. I would know. I would wonder if you could feel my replacement ball. I’ve got to keep you off balanced until I can deal with the truth. I pride myself on my perfection. That’s a laugh. No longer perfect now. Never can be perfect again. Some say there is only perfection in heaven, but as ‘mommy dearest’ keeps telling me, that is not my destination. More like Pervert Central will be my final stop. Will this be my final stop? Will I get through this alive? Justin, I want to be alive. Suddenly, it is all that matters, that and you. Can I face you?

Cynthia was really mad at me when I told her I was leaving and to rearrange everything. I also saw your face when you said that “I don’t.” I don’t have to get your permission. Damn! Justin, I needed you to push so I could come clean, but you let me get away with it. Guess I thought you not to push. Times I should just be indulged. Damn it! Justin, you should have called me on it. I would not be alone right now. I fucking yelled at you about us not being married, but I expected you to counter it. I need to do this my way. I am so vulnerable. You won’t know the difference because they will put a new one in. New and improved bulshit! They said it will be 99% effective and that I might not have it but they can only be sure if it is removed and biopsied. Fuck! Why me? I feel like throwing things. I want to fuck you into oblivion over and over and forget what is coming out. You will know. I will know. Shit! How am I going to hide this from you? How am I going to look you in the face?

Besides, no pity parties for me. I won’t allow you to feel sorry for me, won’t allow you to resent me, won’t allow you to decide to leave on your own. Damn! I need to see your concern and your love right now. I need to be held. Fuck! I sound like a dyke. I feel wet. Damn! Tears. I didn’t know I was crying. Now I am acting like a dyke. It is just a ball. You think I miscarried or something. Ew! What is wrong with me? I know. Cancer. The Big C, the unmentionable. Why me?

I feel woozy. The meds must be kicking in. I will put this away for later. I love you Justin Taylor. I love you with all that is me.

B