J

Vic died. He really died. The closest to a father that I had and he really died. I had to go get YOU and YOU thought I was kidding. I am not that big an asshole. No one expected him to die. He was doing so well. Finally, he had love. I was so glad for him. He was happy and boom! It all goes to hell. I am happy now. What will happen next to me for allowing myself such as love? I fear that something will happen to me to allow myself such as you. Maybe Vic and I were not meant to be happy. Justin, you make me happy. You give me a reason to live. Not so long ago, I didn’t really care if I lived or died, you changed all that. I wanted to go out in a blaze of glory like Cobain or Dean. Young and beautiful. Now I don’t know. I don’t know why but coming home to you is…is…nice.

At least, he didn’t have to suffer this time. At least he didn’t know what hit him. He died quickly. So much better than wasting away. I would like to go swiftly like that. In sleep. God, he was in so much pain, barely hanging on not so long again. Only four years ago. Who am I going to talk to now when I need him? He understood my past, saw me go through it. He understood me better than Deb. Two gay men. Justin, you weren’t around then. There are just some things I can’t tell you. I don’t have to tell Vic. He knew. I was lucky to have him for these past four years. He kept me grounded. He kept me alive. I could call him even when he lived in New York.

Doesn’t anyone realize I hurt too with his passing? I needed to be there. I needed to be around the family. Yeah, I said what I said and I meant it. We were graced with his presence for four extra years. I felt a cold chill run over me like something bad was gonna happen to me but I shrugged it off when Deb sent me on my way. I really didn’t mean anything. I was just stating a fact. I see life differently I guess. I wasn’t passing judgment that he shouldn’t have left. I felt betrayed when she sent me away. I could have said sorry, but that isn’t me and especially when it was the truth as I saw it.

That cold feeling settled on me for good when my trick of the night said those dreaded words. “You have a lump.” Just a four word sentence, simple and to the point. The blue lights in the back room seemed to fit the dread that washed over me. I knew at that moment that I was alone. Always alone. I couldn’t share this information with anyone, not Mikey, not you. I had to pretend nothing was wrong. I was weak in my knees. I wanted to lean back into the wall and let it support me, but I was Brian Kinney. Nothing fazes Brian Kinney so I forced my legs and feet to cooperate. I walked myself right out of there. I barely got to my car and opened it getting in. I put my head and arms on the steering wheel and sighed. I tried for a good ten minutes to get it together long enough to drive to the loft. Swinging the door open, I looked at it. Nothing had changed. Everything was in its place, neat and tidy. Just like I like it. I didn’t feel neat and tidy inside. I felt like I was falling apart. The loft should reflect that. Somehow! Why must I always be alone when important things happen to me?

I came alone into this world. Mom was drugged up, gassed up. She didn’t do pain. I was alone for soccer games. Mommy or good ol’ Jack were never sober enough to go to them. Waste of time they would say. Never to either of my graduations. Sure Deb was there for me, Mikey, Vic, but it wasn’t the same and they knew it. They were not there for awards I got. Nothing, nada. So why shouldn’t this be any different. I will just call in the morning and make a doctor’s appointment. Just when things were falling into place. The decision is mine. I ripped my clothes off and took a soothing hot shower. My back and neck are so tense, but it didn’t help. I lied in bed counting the flecks in the ceiling. Not once did I doze all night. The warm sun rays didn’t even take away the foreboding. Nothing could. It will linger over me like a dark cloud raining on my mood. Inside I am a wreck but no one will notice. I am a perfectionist at hiding my feelings. I want to jump out of my skin today. The fear is intensifying and multiplying and yet I can’t tell you. I picked up the phone five fucking times to call you. Five times. Is that pathetic or what? The last two I actually started to dial your number but I just couldn’t go through with it. I feared I would cry. Do you blame me?

Two fuckin’ events happen together. Vic’s death and now this. Can’t I get a break. A lone tear falls to the page unnoticed. People think there is nothing there inside this shell but you do. You know how I can ache. People forget I am human. I am the strong one, the emotionless uncaring one. I care. I care more than they will ever know. What will they do without me if this takes me too? I scanned the web about it. I know what they will tell me. I will be going under the knife either way. I will have to take the chance. I fucking don’t want to die. With all my bravado I don’t want to meet my maker anytime soon. Will you love me as a one-ball wonder? Will you leave? I couldn’t handle that. I would rather die than lose you.

Well I made the call, went to a doctor and we made the plans for surgery. John Hopkins here I come. I just can’t tell you. I want to just disappear and hope for the best.

Vic’s funeral was so hard for me. I could barely keep it together. If anyone noticed they kept it to themselves being involved in their own grief. In a few days, it could be me going down into a hole and not one I normally frequent. Had to go there, I was getting morbid. Maybe, they just thought for a moment I felt something but were afraid I would bark at them if they said anything. I needed you to notice. I needed you to hear the sharp intake of breath, know I was shaking some. I needed a comforting hand. Again, I was doing something important alone. You are born alone, die alone, and travel to your final destiny alone. Is it my time. Could this have already metastasized? I shiver at the thought. Where does everyone go when I need them? I couldn’t even count on my mom for a kind word if I got sick. I had to feign for myself. The bottle already her sustenance when I was a mere boy. No wonder I keep people at arm’s length because then I don’t get soft. I remember I have only me to worry about, only me to depend on and I do take care of myself.

B