J

Home at last. How I missed you. How I needed you and wanted you but now that I am here. The loft seems wrong. I didn’t die. I came through it all and now I had to face you. You could see how tired I was and you noticed my ugly shorts. How I would never be caught dead in them, gray ones no less.

You don’t know it but I thought about you quite a bit while I was gone. Between my fears and anxiety I kept wishing you had been there and I couldn’t wait to see you as I landed at the airport and then…and then you were there noticing and I didn’t want you to see the incision. I suddenly was so afraid of you finding out and realizing I was incomplete, imperfect. God, I wanted that kiss but I was so tired and yes, it hurt bending. It hurts peeing, moving because I was invaded, my manly part removed and I…I am not worthy of you anymore. I am just…well…I am…I can’t go there. You will leave me if you find out. I pulled away because I couldn’t bear your knowing. I am so tired. Will I ever feel right again? You undressed me and let me fall asleep. Blessed sleep. NOT! The nightmares I have of decaying flesh, bloodied balls being sucked out of me. Will I ever be able to accept this me, the imperfect me? Will I…Could I ever allow you to touch me again? I am nothing now. I went into the shower to try to relax, relieve the tension. They say all is in working order but I can’t get hard. Each time I want to go there visions of bloody balls or the realization that I have plastic instead of the real thing just keeps me soft. I want to get hard. I really do. I can’t let you know that I can’t do it. The great Brian Kinney can’t get hard, can’t fuck anyone let alone his partner.

Damn it! I wanted to live. I wanted to see my son graduate high school and he isn’t even in kindergarten yet. I wanted to have more time with you Justin. I want to see you graduate and make good in your art. When it came to dying and knowing that it was a possibility I couldn’t be Cobain or Dean. Suddenly, I didn’t want to die young. But this. Living without sex, I think not but the more I dwell on it the harder the prospect of getting hard becomes. As soon as you touch me I recoil. Will this pass? The water washes over me and I sigh, a tear rolls down. I won’t cry. Not here. Not now. Not with you there. Damn! I am too young for this. Jack, that bastard, had many more years before he got it. He died. I didn’t. They caught it early. I will be okay. Yeah, right! Okay, by what standards. Not mine. It is all downhill from here. What next? How am I supposed to pretend everything is all right? Next, will be radiation. That is supposed to be even worse. It lasts longer and has more untoward side effects than this. At least, no random trick will notice. It moves like any ball would but I know. I will wonder if they will know. More than likely they will be too busy. I am not looking forward to the radiation. How am I going to work and do this? Why the fuck did it have to happen when I just started my new agency? Why can’t I get a break? I just wanted to come home and feel better but tired is only part of what I feel. I feel…I feel so ripped. My mind is doing a number on me. I feel like Hell would be good right now and then Justin you come into my mind and I dread that look of concern and pity that you will have. I don’t want anyone to feel pity for me, or concern. I don’t want to be treated as an invalid or worse…a dead man. That is what I am the walking dead, at least that is how I feel Justin. Especially if I don’t get it up soon. I just can’t stand the idea of you slowly resenting me or pitying me. I can’t take it if I saw horror on your face once you know I am a casualty of the Big C. I love you, Justin Taylor, I really do but I don’t know if you should stay with me. God, will I be able to live without you. You mean so much to me more than I will ever let on. You are the main reason I want to live, you and Gus. Is that being selfish? I feel so fragile, so vulnerable, so inferior. I need to see you love me as usual. I need something to be the same. I need to know you are untainted by this. I need to know that you are alive and in love with me. I need to see that shiny smile and not a frown. Justin, I surrender today to you. I will let you care for me today because you think I am just tired. I don’t know how I will be able to pretend if you know the truth. I don’t know if I could face you knowing that I am imperfect. Please let me pull this off.

B