Justin,

I came home and I saw you on the couch. You started talking and I knew something had changed. I wasn’t mocking you. I was trying to save a semblance of me because I felt a dread wash over me. You were making me nervous, more than you will ever know. There was something different about the way you presented it. No tears, no rants, just a calmness that told me that tonight was different. I couldn’t reach out and tell you to stay because this time, it is me. No fiddlers, no arguments, no cooling off period, this was it.

You were right. You have changed. You have become your own man and you DO know what you want and I won’t give it to you. You said what you needed and gave me time to think about the consequences of each possible decision and yet I still won’t do it. I am flawed that way. I need you more than life itself. I do love you, I just can’t or won’t say it. There was always time. There will always be time until there is no more. I have lost you. Yet, at least, it isn’t like Vic. You are alive. I can see you from time to time. I can even touch you but it won’t be the same will it. Will I be able to sleep again? I couldn’t sleep well before you came into my life and now, the bed will seem far too empty. The loft will echo its sorrow.

Justin, I wish I could tell you how much more you are to me than the sex. That was out of this world. I will never find an equal for me in that. You were my only true home. These walls weren’t a home until you made it one. It was a place to fuck and to sleep off the latest round of drugs and alcohol before I had to be beautiful at work the next day. You made me see how much more the loft was through your eyes. You love this place probably even more than I do. It will never be the same.

We hugged our last hug as a couple before you left and I had to hold back tears. I had to somehow convey to you in that hug how important you were to me and yet there was no way that would happen. We both hung onto each other, not wanting to break away knowing that it would mean you were walking out that door. The inevitable happened, we separated but not until I told you to keep in touch.

From a scared boy of seventeen you have grown into a good well rounded talented man. I was there most of the way guiding you, pushing you, whispering gems of advice and yet I think you taught me so much more and yet, those lessons are held at bay. I just can’t take the step. I don’t know how. I don’t know if I want to. In some ways, you are more of a man than I am. I am proud of you. I wanted you to be the best homosexual you could be. I set out to do just that. You have surpassed my expectations. You surpassed the master. Moi. You know I respect you. Long ago, you showed me that though you are younger and still making those mistakes that only the young can make, you are more rounded and more sure of yourself than I ever will be. I don’t think you will ever stagnate. I think you will forever be learning and willing to go that extra mile to grow. I, on the other hand, have stagnated. The scared boy is still there, still hiding, and still pushing love away.

I am sitting on the same couch you were when I came home. Actually, I am in the same spot. I have a glass of beam and a bottle nearby but this time I am not going to get drunk. I am just sipping it like a glass of wine, feeling its tingle as I look around and see you everywhere. I don’t want to go into pain management mode because for once I want to feel, I want to be aware of all the emotion and all my thoughts.

I see you feeding me ice cream on the chaise as you ride me. I look toward the dining area and I see us sharing Jambalaya on its second day. Oh, I was so cruel. I had to prove a point. In many ways, I have always been the child in this relationship. I was always trying to prove a point. All I ever did was hurt you and yet you kept coming back. Forgiving me, allowing me to be me and always hoping that one day I would come around. You truly know what unconditional love is. I was always pushing the envelope. Always rebelling against you, myself, and others.

Now I am remembering, you in your green briefs throwing a temper tantrum after I bought that computer for you. I had to try and fix it. You were right. It was only a gadget. You were unfixable. At least, that way. Sure, it helped you go on to PIFA and it gave you hope but I think that with your strength of character, you would have gotten there anyway on your own terms. You had to be the one to fix yourself. Another lesson, I have not tried to master. That princess moment told me so much. It made me realize that I couldn’t fix it, I couldn’t take away the hurt that went so deep, I couldn’t magically make your hand work instead of cramp and I couldn’t make decisions for you. Yet, I didn’t learn that lesson, did I. I constantly was trying to push you away believing I knew what was better for you, never allowing you a chance to have a say in the decision.

Sometimes, you screamed and left but would give me time to cool down and then I would find you back here. I affectionately called you the stalker but you don’t know how much it meant to me that you cared enough to come back. For once, someone truly cared about and for me. I threw all that away. Didn’t I? You gave me enough space, enough rope, enough freedom and yet I hung myself.

Sitting here, I can’t help but remember you cooking in the kitchen to make sure I ate something when I was so sick. You took care of me and you didn’t complain. I tried to push you away again but you realized what was happening and you didn’t let me win. Thank god, I don’t know if I would have survived those weeks of radiation without you. You know when to reign in the rope and straddle me until I stop struggling or resisting. It works for most things. Not all. This wasn’t one of them.

Too bad, I couldn’t move toward you. Justin, you tried it all. You didn’t give up on me and actually, I believe you still haven’t. You just have outgrown me. You were so calm; I followed your lead hoping to be able to have it wash all over me. Maybe in time, I will feel the calm. Maybe, in time, as a friend I will be able to let you in. You already know me better than anyone. Michael only sees me as a teenager. In some ways, I still am.

God, this introspection shit sucks. I still haven’t finished my first glass of JB. I am glad you are doing what you need to do. I am glad you didn’t stay long enough to learn to resent me. Suddenly, I don’t even want to finish this glass. What good would it do to go numb when I don’t want to forget? I want to remember it all. The good and the bad times.

I look around and suddenly the loft is bare. Everything is gone except for the bed. I am at the beginning again. You were there to see me through that as well. Will you be there if I need you in the future? Somehow, I know you will be as I will be there for you. We have too much history. We have gone through so much together.

This drink isn’t doing it. I still have half a shot left yet I feel numb. More numb than when I went out drinking to douse the blood from my memory after the bashing. It never worked you know. I was there you know. Every night I watched over you. I protected you. I feared Chris finishing the job. We really have been through a lot, haven’t we?

I can’t get myself to walk over to the bed. I think I will sleep here on the couch. Your scent is still on it. I can’t face the bed without you. Or the shower! How will I take a shower knowing all the happy times we shared? Damn it! What have I done? Left behind again! Only this time, I had the choice.

I let you walk out. I didn’t push you out or throw you out, I just let you go. I feel dead inside. Dead but not buried. I still feel a thread of hope. Am I just kidding myself? My lifeline is gone. You gave me a reason for living. You gave me a reason to succeed. Yeah, you read it right. I was a success in business but not in my life. You showed me how to succeed in my personal life.

I love my son. I love you. My two babies, my two sons. I have seen you two grow and you have spread your wings. In time, so will Gus. It is the nature of things but you I could have held onto, I could have shared so much, but I am yellow. See the streak down my back it is glowing. Only you and I know it exists.

You see a future. You are willing to make a future with or without me and now you decided it would be without me. I guess I knew this was coming if I didn’t reach toward you but I am a stubborn asshole.

Now I am left behind. My choice. I blame only myself. You gave me every opportunity. I can write so much more than this. Maybe later. For now, I think I will turn off the lights and wallow in the fact that I allowed this to happen, I allowed myself to be left behind.

Brian