These are my thoughts about you, my dearest sonny boy. You are so very special to me. That night you were born was such an extraordinary night, so perfect in two ways-you and Justin. We three are braided together and will always be a part of each other, no matter what the future brings.

As I got the name of the hotel you were staying at from the credit card company, I was so relieved. I was thrilled my baby was found. I could look into your face again, and those blue eyes, pools of water drawing me in deeper and deeper. I can't resist them.

I was furious with you for leaving the alarm off but I was also frightened. You could have been hurt when they came, if you had been at the loft. Yes, I lost my temper. I let the steam blow. I was angry but I expected you to go to Debbie's until I calmed down, until I got my temper in check. I never ever expected you to run off to New York of all places and with my credit card. I was devastated by the loss, but it was only material. Lindsay was right. You were the most important item lost. Item! Now, that's funny. You aren't an item, a thing, a possession, something to own; you are a person, a very special person to me, someone I am not sure I can live without. I am not worthy of your presence. I didn't want to lose you. I just wanted space to calm down. Justin, you of all people should have known that. You were missing in action and it was my fault. You are what counted and still counts. I wanted to grab you and wring your neck. How could you do this to me? I had such mixed feelings. I didn't want to hurt you. I was angry, scared, and relieved at the same time. I wanted to grab you and shake you. How could you have done this? Yet! Yet! Yet, I was so grateful that you were alive and well. But why did you go so very far away. How could I get you without showing how much I really cared? Justin, you maneuvered me into a situation. I desperately wanted to run after you, but that would be out of character. Damn! Why do I have to keep up this persona? It is all I know.

Thank God, Debbie gave me an excuse. Now, I could go with the boys. I didn't need the boys, didn't really even need Mikey. All I wanted was you. To hold you! Tell you I was sorry I reacted so badly. It was a gut reaction. But Mikey, he was company on the long drive. He and the boys helped to keep me alert with their inane antics. At one point, I wanted to throw the boys out, out of the car, but I knew you wouldn't approve. When we find you, I am gonna kick Mikey into the back seat, so my baby can be beside me so you can be where you belong, by my side so I can feel you next to me. I need you next to me. Mikey will be angry, but hell bells, who gives a shit? I don't. Damn! If anything else could have gone wrong. We had a flat. An actual blowout. Good thing, I am a good driver. Surprise! Emmett knew how to change a tire. I was shocked, but I didn't let on. He not only knew but he did it quickly, so quickly. Mikey and I didn't even finish a joint. I was so glad, the sooner we get to New York, the sooner I could find you and the sooner I can touch you, feel you, kiss you but even more importantly lose myself in your eyes. Since when did you begin to mean so much to me? How did I let you into my heart? And when? I got so antsy when we were within a half hour of New York, and the credit card company still hadn't gotten a charge from you. If you don't use it, how can I find you? I kept saying to myself, damn it. Use the card. Use the f&^%ing card already. I actually wasn't upset you had the card. I was grateful and relieved because, at least that way, you had money. You had a way to get what you needed. You were able to give me a paper trail so that I can find you and you knew what you were doing. In your heart you knew I would use it to locate you. Your safety was so vital to me. I kept chastising myself for getting so angry and kicking you out. Things happen. Life happens. Hell, even shit happens! Where the hell are you? Marilyn said Chelsea but we will see. Where do we start looking for you if you don't give us clues? But, you did. And I found you. You will never know how relieved I felt. How thankful? I was so afraid that something would happen to you. I was also so pleased by the fact, you never left the room. At least, that way, you were safe. New York is such an awesome place. No one should hide from it, but I want to be the one to show you the clubs, the sights, the sounds and the scrumptious foods. You know, with my tastes in the best of everything, my favorite foods in New York are from the outdoor vendors of Kosher Hebrew National franks and oh, I can't forget the knishes. Somehow, they taste better than a filet mignon when you have it outside in the park or near a museum. It is like having a taste of New York in your mouth, its flavor, its essence. Can you imagine that? Me! Liking a frank that much! I know! I know! Me and my five-star restaurants. This is different. It is a bite of New York, itself. Oh, and just a word of advice, never eat Chinese food at the well known restaurants. Find the restaurants hidden in the basements. They are the really good ones. The ones the tourists haven't corrupted. Yes, I truly want to be the one to show you the sights and sounds of New York. Gee, when did I ever care like this? Justin, you are definitely under my skin. How the hell did you get so deeply ingrained under my skin? Where was I looking? I tried. I really tried to turn you from your goal--me, but you weren't having any of it.

Well, we were walking up and down this street when the credit card company, informed me of a charge of the hotel. I was elated but I wouldn't let on. I just told the boys I would be back in an hour. I hoped. I knew it would take longer. I had to get there and get back. We had to talk and I knew what effect you would have on me when I got there. In fact, I was looking forward to it. The two of us alone in a room is enough to know an hour was a joke. I think the boys knew it too.

My heart was pounding. I wanted to see you so much. I wanted to know you were all right and safe. I wanted to hold you, but I didn't want you to know how much I wanted you. How much I need you. Shit! Since when did I ever need anyone? I knocked loudly on your door. My heart was pounding almost as loud. I put on my mask so you wouldn't know. But you knew, don't you almost always know everything I feel. How do you do it, I will never know. You opened the door. I pushed it and scurried in with a flurry and walked to the far corner. In my mind, I ran. I actually wanted to run into your arms, but I had to put on a show. I had to feign that I was pissed that I had to come get you. As you talked, I suddenly realized how you felt. That no one wants you. That isn't true, baby. I do. I really do, but I can't let on, not yet, even if it is the right thing to do. It is hard for me to accept how much you mean to me and I am scared of the emotions you make me feel, those emotions that I had so carefully locked away till now. A part of me wants to run away, keep the status quo and part of me wants to accept and reach out to you. Baby, I am reaching out. It's the only way I know for now. I wish I had more to give. My heart went out to you as you talked. I could tell. You had been scared but strong. You did what you needed to do. I looked at you as you rattled on and I wondered if I could have been as strong as you at your age and I realized that I really wasn't. I needed to be loved and accepted and I wasn't. I still need acceptance, approval. I die inside every time someone takes a jab at me, but I pretend tit doesn't hurt. I need your adoration, adulation, and your approval more than you know. I know you want me to open up, but I can't--not yet. Maybe, I'll never be secure enough, but I hope, maybe, someday. As a child, I just went into a shell, built up walls of protection, stopped living, afraid to be hurt. You have to live, to experience, to feel. That is why your art is so good. You put all those feelings into it while I hide mine, ball them up into a wad and then shelve them away so that I won't have to feel. Justin, it is you, who have made me feel again. Suddenly, I figured I had better say something. So I did. You were telling me how you had no place to go. That your life was royally screwed. I told you what you were going to do and that I was gonna be there. Not in so many words, but by telling you that you would have to pay me back. Hell, I really didn't care about the money. The money was an investment in your safety. I just knew, you would feel you needed to pay me back. I wanted you, not the money. The money was inconsequential. All I cared about was you, only you. I can't let anyone know that. Not even you. I still need to protect the image, but why? That is the question. The necessity for it seems less and less important. I am just not ready to let it go. Not until I understand.

I wanted to grab you, hold you, make love to you, but you were so close, yet so far away and I was supposed to be pissed at you. How could I make the first move? Suddenly, it was you, in that hotel robe, that white robe that kept begging me to open it, who made the first move. You invited me to shower. As I reacted to your suggestion, smelling myself exaggeratedly, I knew where it would lead. You started it. I was gonna let you lead and you did. My heart leapt when you opened your robe and then started undressing me. I stood watching you, acting like I didn't care one way or another, but I did. I couldn't wait until you were finished. I wanted you so badly. I even pushed you to the bed once before you were done. But you got me undressed. Then I took you. I devoured you. I couldn't get enough of you. I needed you so much it hurt. All the emotions bottled up inside of me wanting to claim you, wanting to give all of myself to you and make you feel loved and wanted-- like I never was. Something I still crave, yearn for. (Don't go there, mind.)

Let the boys wait. I didn't care. Hell, they know me. They know you. They know how we are together. I bet they are betting what time we will show up. Wonder who will win. Maybe, they are betting on how fast it took till we started. They will never know that answer. Well, if I was paying for the room, I might as well enjoy the possibilities the bed and shower can provide. I really am not that shallow and you know it and your opinion now is the only one that counts, but I am still fighting that realization. When did that happen? When did I start losing control? When did I start caring, living again?

God, that was so good. It felt like we hadn't done it in weeks, no months. How I needed to be inside of him. How I needed to hear those moans and groans and sighs, like music, a beautiful crescendo of sound that is so hot. Those sounds beg me to give even more of myself and I always comply. Why can't I just tell him how I feel? Are my actions enough for him? When I am with him, I am the most comfortable, the most like myself. Will he help me find myself again? Will I allow him to?

Well, Justin we made it home and Debbie gave you a place to stay. This way, I can have my space when I need it. But, you will be here a lot. The loft no longer feels like home without you but I won't tell you that. Justin, one more question. How did you make me feel again and will I ever be able to drop my defenses, all my walls around you? I am starting to want to but I fear the outcome. I am afraid you will leave me and the fear is immobilizing, paralyzing at times. I wish I knew, truly knew what I felt, and am feeling. Yes, I know, that was really two questions.

B