J

My dear, dear Justin,

You are my heart. You don't know how much I hurt. I can't stop the tears. I am sitting on our bed, writing this letter, hoping beyond hope that you will walk in the door at any second. My life is nothing without you. Why did you leave me? I can't believe you really left me for the violin player, for Ethan. What were you thinking? What did I do so wrong? Why did you need something I can not yet give? I wanted to hurt you with the rage trick but it backfired. Maybe, I wanted to push you away for your own good. I am not worthy of you. Even now, after all this time, I still think that, but I also think about what you need and what I think you need. I want to make sure all your needs are fulfilled. All those things that are lacking because you hang out with me and the boys are fulfilled. I hope you thank me for this later and see why I did it. I hope you realize this is the ultimate love sacrifice. I feel I am on an Aztec altar, the way my heart is breaking. I knew I was forcing you away, forcing you to make a decision and in my way, the only way I know how with a flourish and with a flare only I possess. You should know my antics. You have seen it with Mikey at his birthday and at other times as well. You always knew me, read between the lines, and knew it was a selfless act that I was orchestrating, the perceived act. Why didn't you read between those lines and walk back into my door. Yes, I was pushing but I was so sure, you would push back and put me in my place. A part of me wanted that so very much, only I didn't recognize it. I pulled down my mask so you could see my eyes, see deep down into my soul and know the truth but did I finally hurt you too much so you can't see into the depths anymore. Oh, God! Let it not be so! I put the mask back on to pretend that the old Brian Kinney was back, as a symbol but really that person is not, can not ever completely return. You have expertly planted your magic upon my soul as if, I was remolded into another being. I will try and keep a part of the old Brian at the surface so our friends will not suspect how lost I really am. Justin, baby, come home! Please, oh, please! That is what I will pray. I was so wrong to send you away.

I was the one who got hurt. I was so very, very hurt. I wanted to scream but I put the mask back on and pretended that this Brian Kinney didn't care. That was the old BK before you dropped my walls, before you crept stealthily into my heart, and before Gus had come into my life. Those walls can never surface again, not in the way the walls were originally. Right now I am defenseless. Others may not perceive that fact, but you and I know it is true. Between the two of you, my old rules and ways and walls were dissolving quicker than I could cope. I couldn't give you the words I wanted because I was way too scared. Yes, Brian Kinney is scared or more honestly, terrified. I was in a dare I say it - the r word relationship or better yet p for partnership and we were in that partnership for a while. You understood that better than I did.

You accepted it sooner than I did, acknowledged it sooner, embraced it to your very being, something I couldn't do, haven't done. Will I ever be able to embrace it? Am I too late? Have I lost you for good? Have I finally pushed you too far? Have I finally pushed you away for good? Will I be able to move on with my life? Will I be only a shell of a man? I remember not long ago, a young boy laid in a coma and I wasn't sure if he would ever awake. I was so sick with worry and felt hollow, insecure, and alone. Nothing could numb the pain. It was my fault than and it is my fault now because I was too stubborn to give you what you asked for and now the loft is empty, cold, lifeless, joyless, dreary, dark, and dismal. How can I live in the loft now? How can I live with myself now? I don't know if I can. You truly are the sunshine of my life. My heart sang when you were near. It jumped for joy when you smiled with your blue pools of pleasure that shimmered with glee when you joked with me about my age. Only you could do that and make me feel loved. How I will miss those chidings.

Our life has been tumultuous, full of trials and tribulations but it has been full of lust, love, living, passion, pleasure and a possessed poetry that I, in honor of that precious dance know as the Prom, I shall call our dance of our rapture known as our united life. Yes, for our lives was truly only one life, each of us making the other whole! And it is only now that I realize how complete your life made mine. Will I be able to survive incomplete? I don't think I can. I don't think I will.

Our lives truly were so like a Latin dance, so passionate, fiery, frenzied and full of emotion. Yes, emotion. Even the emotionless Brian Kinney felt the emotion of the experience that was you. Justin, the tears keep coming. You aren't here and won't be here to calm me, soothe me, and tell me it will be okay, as you so often have. And why won't you be here, because I shoved you away. Who will be there when the nightmares come? No one! And why? Because, I made up my mind and yours that you don't need me, you can't love me and you never will. Not now. Not after what I have done.

Actually, everyone said you loved me, even your mom. Why can't I accept that simple truth? That fact still scares me and I fear that you would leave me some day, so I forced the issue, forced you to leave on my terms. I thought it would hurt less. I am so wrong. Justin, I wanted so much to pop a few pills, drown myself in Jim Beam and numb the hurt but my heart wanted to feel, didn't want to forget, wanted to savor the memories tonight of the good and the bad times. As I think about those memories, I realize if only I had - what's Mel's word, ah, yes, Chutzpah, maybe I would have, could have rode the ride that was you, Sunshine. But, a coward I am. Chutzpah of that magnitude is not one of my attributes. I wish it were. I love you Sunshine. Maybe, someday, you will be able to forgive me. Maybe! Well, one can hope.

I have done many things for you over these last two years, helping you, protecting you, coveting you, and last but not least and one I could never forget--loving you. Something I never thought I would be capable of, but this thing I did at the rage party was the toughest I have ever done in my life; sending you out on your own, with someone of your age, someone you can experience those things you would never try if you stayed with me, those things all nineteen year old should experiment with and so I set you free and I don't know how I will survive or if I will survive. Please, Powers That Be, let my baby, my sonny boy understand I truly love him and will always love him till I die and even after I die. Justin I will always be there to protect you in this world and the next and in any lifetime we may find ourselves living for our connection can not ever be severed even in death so I will love you forever and eternally.

B