J

It has been a while since I wrote to you. I was just sitting here thinking about you and how you tried so hard to be a man, to fend for yourself without relying on me. I know you don't want to feel like you owe your life to me. Think again. You already do. I can see that smile on your face as you read this. But I don't see it that way. We are together. What affects you, affects me. We are partners, aren't we? Yes, I admit we are in a relationship. We have been for a long time. I knew it. I just needed to keep you off balance for a while. I wasn't ready to admit it to myself. You knew how much I cared. You always did. You could read me from cover to cover.

You were devastated when your Dad pulled the plug on you and you didn't have a way to pay tuition or support yourself. I was angry. How could your dad continue hurting you, disappointing you, and denying his responsibility to you, his son? Showing again that he doesn't accept you, can't accept you for who you are. I do. I love you and I care about you and want you to be happy. I want you to enjoy life. I want you to do what you were meant to do. Be the best artist you can be. And the best homosexual you can be. Good. Another smile.

The diner only gave you cash for clothes and other little expenses. You had been relying on me for almost everything. It made me feel needed, wanted, and loved. I wanted to help you. I needed to help you but I understood that you felt you needed to do this on your own. I offered you free money, and then I offered you a loan which you wouldn't take. I even offered to buy one of your drawings. I didn't know how to get you to take it. I don't care if you ever pay me back. It is not about the money, it is about you, what is good for you, what will make this ride called life a little easier. I never wanted it to be about money. I wanted to give it to you with no strings attached. You deserve it. You have such talent.

You decided you needed fast cash and you chose selling yourself to taking a loan. I couldn't stop you. It wasn't my right. You are an adult. You have to make your own choices and live with them. You had to make your own mistakes and all I could do was stand by and watch, hoping that you would get your common sense back, hoping that you would let down your pride and let me help. I guess like me, you need to learn things the hard way.

At Babylon when you were looking for a job and talking to the go-go dancer, my eyes rolled up and I could see your wheels turning. No way were you going to be a go-go dancer, but you went for it. You went to Sap and you danced for him and got the job. Then you decided to practice on our counter at the loft. You looked hot and made me smile. I was eating Chinese, but you were what I really wanted to eat.

I did just that when you came down from the counter. Spanking you was just an added bonus. It was just a spur of the moment fun thing. You were so hot, smiling as I spanked you. If we hadn't been unceremoniously interrupted, I might have gotten a little carried away. After Lindsay and Mel left, I grabbed you and kissed you, and devoured your lips, tongue, nipples, cock and then I ate your ass. I spent so much time sucking your cock off that you were squirming and begging me to fuck you. But I wasn't ready. You tasted so good, so very good and the cream was a perfect topping to the Chinese food. Better than a piece of double chocolate cake, but your ass was pure ecstasy. I couldn't get enough. I sucked your ass for nearly a half hour. You were moaning and the sounds you were making, were exciting me to no end, but I didn't want to stop. Finally, when I knew you couldn't take it for another second, I prepared myself and pushed into you so fast. You let out a scream and then yelled harder. I knew you wanted it rough. You always do after I have tortured you for so long. You were loving it. I was loving it. We had been in such a great mood that night. We made love all night. It was a fantastic night.

I am only saying that because for a while, we didn't have a great night because you were working such long hours and it was killing you. It was killing me because I was so worried about you. I was especially worried that what Sap kept giving you might cause an anaphylactic reaction since you are allergic to so many drugs and all Sap wants is to keep you awake to dance.

When I saw you dancing at Babylon, I kept my façade on, but I was seething on the inside. I felt jealousy for those who were ogling you like a piece of meat, anger at your father for putting you in such a position that you had to sell your body, and I felt embarrassment for you because you didn't have the good sense to be embarrassed for yourself, but I also felt pride that you were willing to put yourself out to achieve your goal which is to achieve enough money by yourself for tuition for school. You looked great in those angel wings. You are my little angel. You and Gus, my two little angels.

You are so much like me in so many ways. We both are very smart. We both rely on ourselves instead of others. Well, at least you are learning to rely on yourself. That is all I have had was myself to rely on. At least, you have me to rely on, if you fall flat on your face. I had no one. Never did. You can always count on me to pick you up and I am glad to do it. Your stretching your boundaries is a lot easier than when I did it because you have a support system. I didn't. Not really. We both had to fend for ourselves at an early age. We both had fathers that didn't care for us or accept us. We both have an unsurpassable talent, mine in advertising while your talent is in art. We both had goals we knew we had to fulfill, and we both are horny homos. At least we have each other and know what each other wants and needs. I bet you are smiling again when you read this, if I ever let you read this. We are more alike than most would think. We are equals even with the age difference.

When you had came home late from Babylon, I feared the worse. I was right. You certainly did take care of yourself. You got to go dance on the bar after one night. The best tips in the place with a high price, your dignity. Everyone knows how you get to work the bar. Sap gets to suck you off. How could you? I can't protect you with this. You have to travel this road alone. Yet, I saw your face and I knew it wasn't easy for you. You felt dirty. You felt used. You felt like shit. Fuck! If only you had only let me help you, you wouldn't have to sell your self-respect. Well, I still respect you. You are trying to find your way. Hell, I did dumber things and I wasn't even as young as you. I couldn't use youth as an excuse. It hurts me that you are hurting. My insides are churning knowing how upset you are with yourself, but you will deal with it. I know. You always see the silver lining. Don't worry baby, I will be here to pick up the pieces like I always do. But somehow, you will come out of this better than ever. You bounce; you cope better than I do. You are such an optimist. With all you have gone through, optimism has been a great tool.

I couldn't let you feel so bad. I knew how you felt. You went straight into the shower. I wanted to scream at you. I wanted to wash what you were feeling away. That is what you were trying to do. Scrub away your feelings. I didn't want you to rub yourself raw. I waited till you were in the shower for a few minutes and then I did what only I could do. I went to you, helped you wash yourself, I held you close, knew you were hiding your feelings, you didn't want me to know how bad you felt, but I did. I have been there. Slowly, I turned you to me, kissed you, touched you, went down on my knees and sucked you off. I was giving you a happier memory to dissolve the ugly one. I was showing you that you were still attractive to me. I still wanted you and you started to respond. You started coming out of your funk and the next thing I knew you were begging me to fuck you. Whatever you needed, baby, and I love to make you feel good. I prepared the two of us and I gave you your wish.

You had been pushing yourself too much, your school work is suffering, your health is suffering and you are not able to breathe. You were so tired. I tried to get you to take time off. I was so afraid you would get sick. Then you threw me a curve. You were going to do a party for Sap. I nearly died at that. You were so naïve. You thought you would just be beefcake but I have been to parties like Saps. It was drugs, booze and sex. But it was your call. I only hoped I would be able to help you feel good after it. I hoped I would be able to help you forget.

I wound up in jail that night and I couldn't be here when you came home. I could have killed Mikey for that. It was his fault. It was his big mouth that got us arrested. You came home to an empty loft. I felt bad about that. You wouldn't tell me what happened but when I saw your face in the morning I knew you had taken care of yourself, but you had experienced something you wouldn't tell me about. You seemed happy. You were free. You told me you had quit. You gave me all this crap and I knew it wasn't the real reason but I let you tell me what you wanted to. I was tired from being up all night and I was relieved that you were okay. I knew you were okay because of how you were smiling. Your eyes were smiling too. That put me at ease. While you were talking away, I undressed and crawled into bed. You told me how you were ready to take my offer of a loan if it still stood. I made a joke out of it and was relieved you finally were willing to ask for help. More relieved than you could imagine. You are worth every penny, nickel and dime.

I knew I was late. I came home several hours late and there are consequences to rules. I knew you did something special last night. You acted like a man. I felt I needed to give you something and you needed something special from me, so I did the only thing I could. I gave myself to you. I gave myself to you and you took me for a heavenly ride. I had forgotten how good it could feel. You are the only one I will ever let top me. That is my gift to you. I love you, baby. I really do.

B