Gus

Today was your birthday, your very first birthday. I can’t believe you are one already. I can’t believe it is one year ago, I met Justin as well. As I said before, the three of us are braided together. No matter how much I push Justin away, he will always be a part of this triad. Again, your birth was monumental. My meeting Justin on the same night was momentous. My heart shed its hard cover when I looked into your eyes for the first time, held you for the first time. You were so little, so helpless and all mine. Well, all mine and Lindsay’s and Mel’s and Justin’s. Yes, I guess I knew even then, that Justin was staying and would be a part of your life forever. You make me so proud seeing how you have grown and learned and thrived in your alternative family. You are truly special.

Now, your birthday comes around and I am trying so hard lately to get Justin to feel the pain he needs to feel to heal and it is you who has the key to his memory. You! I don’t believe it. I go through, forgive me here sonny boy, hell trying to make him experience that night again. I started all the nightmares again because all my feelings came back from the bashing. They really never left but grew less intense. Now, they are back in full force. I have to deal with both Justin’s and my nightmares.

You ask. How did you help? Well you did. You got a yellow plastic bat for your birthday and you waved it and it triggered Justin’s memory. It freaked him out. It made him remember the attack. Now, he is no longer the walking dead or the walking wounded. Now, he can feel the pain and he can deal with it and with all that it will take to recover with my help, with our help. You are as much a part of his recovery as I am. He loves you and he needs you. He forgets his insecurities when he is around you. He is himself. He needs to be touched a lot. He needs to get used to being touched again and you need to be held. You two will be perfect for each other, nurturing each other. I will be there, if either of you have problems. The love the two of you feel for each other will be so healing for Justin.

Well, I didn’t mean to go there when I started this letter but everything is hitting me at once, today. I knew Justin needed to be at your birthday party. He never would have forgiven himself if he missed it, but he was so scared to be in the crowd of people. We sat on the side, alone, away from everyone. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to deal with the crap Mel would probably dish out, or be among so many kiddies but I wanted to be there for you. Justin was the perfect excuse for me. I could be there but apart because I had to be near Justin, keeping him centered, keeping him from freaking out. It went well until the presents. I know you won’t remember anything about this day, except through the pictures taken and the stories we will tell. It was a beautiful day; warm, sunny and the decorations were perfect. Your Mamala, Lindsay outdid herself as I knew she would. Vic made a great cake. The swing was finally put together with little help from me. I gave up. Still don’t know what a gratchet is. The kids had fun on the swings. I watched them. I was happy everything was going well.

I sat there, behind the flowers, thinking of your birth, the last year, of how you have mellowed me some, cracking my walls, letting me reintroduce myself to myself, and to you. I have changed a lot because of you, because of your unconditional love. I would do anything for you. You will never be left wanting. My heart jumps when I see you coming toward me. My whole body relaxes at the sight of you. My heart is warmed by your smile, your touch, your look completely loving, completely trusting, and completely sure of my love. I wish I could say to Justin what I can so easily whisper to you. I love you with all my body and my soul. I forget to think, to hide from you. It feels good to be me. I forgot how it felt.

I am so used to wearing my mask that it was so rare for me to let my walls down. When I am alone at the loft, sometimes I let the façade slip because no one can see, but more often than not, I stay in character because I never know if Mikey or the gang might barge in. I couldn’t take the chance. Not until you. Justin capsizes one wall, I rebuild it, but with you, I am me because I know you sense who I really am. I can’t hide from you. That would be dishonest. That is why I prefer when you are at the loft. There the walls go completely down when I am playing with you, feeding you, changing you, and sleeping with you. I love holding you on my chest or in my arms as we sleep. I liked playing with your fingers and letting you grip mine with your itty bitty hand when you were a newborn. I like to look into your eyes. I like to watch you sleep almost as much as I like to watch Justin sleep. No! I think you are both tied in what I call my guilty pleasure. If I am by Mel, I have to keep up the façade of the person she sees me to be. Boy, she is wrong about that. I am really a softie at heart especially when it comes to you. You are my warm, fuzzy teddy bear. My very own life preserver. The two of you, you and Justin, help keep me sane. I don’t think I would survive if I lost either of you.

Oh, yes! I am so glad Lindsay talked me into being your daddy. I hope I never disappoint you. I know I will, as you will at times disappoint me, but I will always love you and I will always be there for you. Always and forever.

Lovingly,

Dad