I knew when Tuvok came back through the turbolift doors that something was wrong. He’d gone down to the holodeck only five minutes earlier, ten at the most. Being a Vulcan he’d never admit to having an expression on his face of utter “I tried, don’t blame me,” but one look in those dark eyes and I knew Kathryn hadn’t allowed him to relieve her.
I handed over the bridge and went down myself.
And as it turned out, I didn’t make it there.
I was just about to get out of the turbolift when it stopped and she of all people stepped on. She looked awful – hair mussed a bit, face pale, lips standing out in the middle of it all, eyes dull from lack of sleep. She’d been almost nonstop with the ‘man’ whose programming she’d tried too hard to rewrite since allowing him to keep his memories.
“Been relieved of duty?” I asked, giving her a smile, trying to lighten the mood. Second to the doctor, I think she’d had the worst time of us all, besides maybe Harry, and that was a long shot – he hadn’t had programming to erase, so all of his memories had been dealt with earlier. “I was just on my way down there.”
“Don’t bother,” she replied, raising a hand and rubbing at her tired eyes. She looked so forlorn about the whole event that I was tempted to reach out and touch her. “He ‘dismissed’ me, told me to go to bed. Said he’d be perfectly all right. I’ll have Tuvok go down and check on him later.”
“Then let me walk you to your quarters,” I told her softly. “I’d hate to have one of the crew find you passed out on the floor.”
I wasn’t lying. I really was worried about that.
“I can make it.” She waved me away with that stubborness that makes me love her and hate her all at once.
Then I did reach out and touch her arm, and her eyes swung to me, following up my hand, my arm, and locked onto my own.
She made a sound that was somewhere between a whimper and a sigh, her knees buckling. It was fortunate that I have the reflexes I do – her knees simply went out from under her, and I grasped her arms to keep her from hitting the deck.
To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. But I was also feeling something else, a tightening in my groin, and I begged to whatever fates watched over us in the Delta Quadrant that she wouldn’t notice.
“Computer, halt lift,” I said out loud. “God, Kathryn, are you all right?”
She hung her head towards the floor, looking down as much as she could, since the way I was holding her prevented her seeing in between us. “I’m fine,” she told me, but it sounded as though she was trying to convince both of us.
“Are you sure?” I felt her forehead, then my hand slid down to her cheek. They were awfully warm – too warm. “Kathryn – you have a fever.”
It felt good to touch her. She’s far more of that sort of person than I am – she’s not clingy by any means, but she’s very touchy-feely, something I’ve heard the crew talk about on more occasions than one. Me on the other hand, I’m just not. I’ve put my hand on B’Elanna’s shoulder sometimes. I’ve even touched Tom after he’s pulled off some sort of ruthless, daring maneuver at the helm. But it had been a long time since she and I had touched. I mean, we’re friends, we’ve hugged before when one of us needed to be hugged, something that doesn’t need the intracacies of sex and a relationship – simple stuff. She hugged me on New Earth sometimes. After we’d gotten the ship back from the Kazon. On the planet after the shuttle crash I had held her so close that I didn’t want to let go.
Looking back on it, I realized that it had been a while since we had done this…after the Borg…now I remember. After the letters from home. After she found out about Mark, and I found out about the Maquis.
“That’s what the doctor said,” She told me wearily, giving me that helpless smile and rubbing her eyes again. Suddenly she buried my face in her hands and burrowed against me, hard, snuggling into my chest. She made sniffing sounds as she was doing it, something I didn’t entirely notice because it was so unimportant compared to the other actions.
“Ohhh…Kathryn…don’t do that…” I managed to gasp out. The tightening in my groin was becoming more insistent, and in a minute I’d have to kiss her, and do something that we’d sworn before wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but we’d come so far since what happened with the Borg that I didn’t want to risk a friendship for something she wouldn’t tolerate. My heart was thumping, I was sure she could feel it, and sweat had broken out on my forehead.
Nice to know that even after 5 years, she can still surprise me.
“You’re tired, Kathryn. You’re exhausted, and you’re not well.” I pushed her away from me, trying to be gentle about it, trying not to remember the one last time she’d done this, when Mark had just written her a letter proclaiming his love for someone else. God I hope my face doesn’t give away what I’m feeling, because I do long to be with her sometimes, still, after all this time. If it does, I hope that it at least tells her that it’s not that I don’t want her, because I do. All the spirits know I do, but I can’t. Not now, not here, not for something she’ll deny the minute those doors open.
“And here I thought you wanted me.” Her tone of voice was teasing, that helpless smile coming out over her features again. She’s trying to lighten the mood, just like I had earlier. Her hands came to rest just about where my neck meets my shoulders.
I gave her a smile that didn’t quite meet my eyes. I know she saw it then, because her face creased over just a bit – if you didn’t know her very well, you wouldn’t have seen it. But I do, and therefore I did. But it’s not something I can help. Goodness knows I’ve tried to wish the hurt away for the last few years.
I’m still wishing.
Unconsciously she leaned toward me again, burrowing, cuddling, but not as forcefully. Her hands wound around my back and rested there, gently, quietly. It was as though she’d done it a million times before. I can’t explain it – it just felt so right with her there, in my arms. I lowered us to the floor, sitting cross legged with her in my lap, rubbing her shoulders and back with my fingers, slowly and then faster, running one hand through her hair and tucking it under my chin so I could rest my cheek in it. It was soft, very soft, and smelled like jasmine. Strangely it almost smelled like sunshine, even though we hadn’t been off the ship in a while.
I have no idea how long we stayed like that. I only know that I didn’t want it to end. I wondered if she did, the turbolift probably had people on the other end that had sent reports to engineering, and it was a wonder Tuvok hadn’t come over the comm line to ask either of us if we were all right. For all they knew we were dead in it.
Her eyes flicker. She’s noticed the hurt in mine. Damn.
“Chakotay,” she says again, in a tone of voice I can’t place. It sounds as though she’s about to explain something, but it’s going to come from Kathryn, not Captain Janeway. But after all this time, there was nothing left to say.
I moved my hand over her mouth, not gripping or squeezing, just resting it there, letting her know that I knew. She surprises me again my opening her lips, taking those fingers and nibbling on the edges, suckling like a baby. Her touch was incredibly light, almost ginger, but not so much so that I didn’t know where she was planning to go. Her toungue on them was almost my undoing.
Something twitched in my groin, almost jolting me, my stomach muscles tightening as my eyes widened, and dammit I was sweating again. My heart was pounding, and it took everything I had to hold back. But I had to be sure. I couldn’t get hurt again, wouldn’t get hurt, not by a woman that I had to spend I don’t know how many more years sitting side-by-side with in front of 10 people a day. But for all my control, I still wanted almost to cry at what she was doing.
It took effort to speak. “I thought…just tell me this isn’t a one-time thing,” I whispered, pleading silently with every fiber of my being that it wasn’t going to be so. “That you don’t just want to have a fling in the lift. That as soon as the doors open…”
“No.” She shook her head. To speak fully, she had to let go of my fingers, but the next moment jolted me again, sucking one completely into her mouth, her tongue rubbing and laving circles around it.
That was all it took. I kissed her.
It wasn’t as gentle as I wanted it to be, I think my tongue and teeth got the better of me, by then my body responding in ways even I didn’t understand.As soon as the heat of the moment passed and I was sure she wasn’t going anywhere, not to mention that she wasn’t an illusion, I slowed down, and pressed my tongue against her skin with love and care. I went for her neck first, gripping her head with my hand, tracing the contours of her soft skin and holding her hair gently as my lips traveled the regions around and behind her ear.
From the sounds she was making I knew she enjoyed it. Enjoyed wasn’t quite the right word, it was lucky that we were both sitting, because her knees started trembling immediately. Stealing a quick glance out of the corner of my eye, I saw that her eyes were closed. I knew from our time spent on New Earth, giving her that neck rub that got slightly out of hand that her neck was one of the places she loved to be touched the most. She drew in a sharp breath, her whole body went stiff, her hand grasping my arm, and I wondered if she’d come already, right then. In a moment it passed, and she eased again to the trembling mess she had been.
I couldn’t find the enclosure to her pants. The way that we were sitting, she was turned slightly at an angle. Another reason was the fact that I just wanted to press my whole body against her, over her, under her, I didn’t care, I just wanted us to be together. I would have given my life for her any time, even on that first day with the Kazon if I’d had to, just to protect her. Somewhere in the back of my mind it registered that my penis with a life of its own had taken on just that, and the friction against the material was dreadful, but it was a small matter compared to what was sitting in my arms just now.
My dreams come true.
I kissed her gently, sucking on one of her lips, nibbling a bit, rolling my tongue into her mouth as I finally managed to open up her trousers. These Starfleet uniforms were not designed to be easy to get off, I knew that the first time I put one on. I maneuvered both of us enough to where we were on our knees.
I knew that she thought I was holding back, in a way I was, but not because I was doubtful about what we were about to do. I just didn’t want to hurt her, and if I caved in completely to what I wanted, I would also have to explain various bruises and cuts to the doctor or, heaven forbid, Tom Paris. While he was as likely to know about our relationship progressing as the next person, I didn’t want his betting pools to progress as well.
I fingered the band of her underwear, the pad of my thumb against the lace while the back felt the soft satin-like mass that made her skin, the creamy alabaster shade with a dusting of freckles that I’d never seen, at least not in the places she had them. My hand slipped in further to find a hot, soft wetness there, her folds already swollen and beginning to unfold like a flower allowed the sunlight.
The heat increased as I ran a finger through them, seeking and finding the knot of pleasure that was the very core of a woman, pressing agianst it gently, ignoring as best I could the fact that I was practically ready to rip a hole in my pants involuntarily. It was easy to cover that hard nubbin with my thumb, circling it and flicking at it, easing the way for a finger and then another to dip into her inner warmth that was by now far more than warmth.
She went stiff again, and it wasn’t from pleasure. It had been such a long time for her, I dind’t want to hurt her one little bit, and I stilled my explorations for the moment, feeling her muscles adapt to long-denied touch. My thumb circled her swollen knot until she shuddered into my arms, my free hand keeping her face buried in my shoulder.
The moment of release made it all possible; my fingers had a will of their own and buried themselves inside to feel the clenching, the rhythmic beats that pulsed with a mind all their own. I think my heart was beating in tandem to them. I mimicked the movements that my cock so longed to make, thrusting inside with just a bit of force as deeply as I could, pulling out to the tips and inserting again. I couldn’t get enough of her. My free hand let go of her neck to slip around her back, sliding up the layers of uniform to reveal more of her satiny skin, soft to the touch, utterly vulnerable in the very small of her back, firm and neat on her rear end, which I cupped gently, placing slight pressure on the crack but careful not to penetrate anything. Her pants were loose, and the feel of the material against the back of my fingers while her skin was underneath the pads was almost too much to bear.
“There’s no going back, Kathryn,” managed to escape my lips in a ragged series of pants. I know that sounds incredibly stupid, a terrible thing to say, in a compromising position on the floor of a turbolift with my superior officer who also happened to be the woman I’ve dreamed about being with for the last 5 years. I jolted slightly when she reached to my trousers and undid the fasteners, allowing my erection to slip out. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about ripping them anymore.
Her hand felt cool against my hot skin, skin that was growing tighter and beginning to throb, the feelings by now pounding the blood through my veins, some of which were in that organ and wasted no time letting me know that fact. I groaned helplessly as she stroked me from base to tip, her small hands and fingers that are normally so delicate not changing even now in the heat of passion. She was exploring, getting to know me, the part of me that she hadn’t known before, much as we’d been together countless times over the last few years and had any number of chances, not the least of which was sharing a home on a deserted planet for six weeks.
I let her explore. I couldn’t last long; when she raised her head up and ran her soft tongue over my lips I knew my time was growing to an end, and I didn’t want to end it alone. I couldn’t end it alone. I wanted it to be with her, to her, and for her.
I wanted her to feel what I was feeling.
With what little control I had left I pushed her hand away. “If you keep that up there’ll be a mess in here,” I managed to groan, “and I for one don’t feel like explaining it.”
From the look she gave me I don’t think she did either. But we both knew that we had no intentions of straightening up and trying to wobble our way to one of our respective quarters in our condition. It had gone too far for that. Instinct took over; I pushed her pants down to her knees and flipped her on all fours. I didn’t expect she would be so light, honestly I didn’t. I could tell that she hadn’t been eating.
I’d worry about that later.
I discovered something else – I couldn’t look at her any more without wanting to touch her, taste her. “Of course,” I told her softly, pushing up her shirt and running a finger down her spine, cupping her rear again, “after this we’ll have to do it somewhere more comfortable. But I want to show you…give you a slight, small window into what you’re going to know from now on.”
My mind was already reeling with the possibilities.
I pushed my own pants out of the way and spent a few moments making absolutely sure she was ready – four years is a long time, and I knew that one wrong move and she’d be in so much pain there would be no chance for enjoyment. Some men actually like that, they like to be a woman’s first time after a long period of abstinence just because they’re so tight, they take the pleasure for themselves and leave the woman wanting.
It’s not my style.
Tight would be an understatement, describing Kathryn at that moment in time. She braced on all fours as I licked and nuzzled her shirt up towards her shoulders, slipped an arm around her waist and put my weight against her lower back as I flicked and circled once more at her spot, the spot guaranteed to have a woman howling in seconds.
She stretched to accommodate me, when I pushed into her; her tight tissues expanded to admit my entrance and then molded back around me, nestling, creating a home within a home, a place all their own. I was breathing hard by that time, short ragged gasps, somewhere in the back of my mind registering a long, low moan of pleasure from her. I was being so careful not to hurt her that I almost lost track of how far it had gone, until I realized that I couldn’t go any farther.
Her movements were unrestrained, once both of us had adjusted, me mostly holding still for the fact that I didn’t want it to end before it had begun, gathering control and strength for what was to come. I thrust into her gently, my testicles finding and resting against the smooth skin of her buttocks, gripping her hip to steady her while I pulled out to the tip, feeling her buck against me, the hot wetness surrounding and enveloping me, leaving me with a somewhat empty feeling as I pulled backwards.
She was delicious; I couldn’t get enough of her. I kept up a gentle rhythm, closing my eyes, the lights and walls of the turbolift swimming a bit with the sensations that were coursing through me, my hands still in position to keep her from being hurt. Her walls clenched again; another moan, and I felt it – I felt her muscles loosen, tighten, and loosen again, the hot wetness increased, creating more and less friction at the same time. Kathryn’s arms bent at the elbows, her forehead lowered to rest on the carpeting, and despite myself, I chuckled, finding it lovingly amusing at what I did to her.
It was nothing compared to what she did to me.
She met me thrust for thrust as I increased my rhythm, instinct again taking over and my desire overwhelming all other feelings, pumping, pumping, once, twice, three times…just as everything tightened for the last time, I squeezed her clitoris, wanting to take her with me. It had the desired effect. With a delicious groan that somewhere in its duration turned into a howl, I pressed forward into her, and with little shame felt myself come, the creamy seed flooding her channel, meeting and mixing with her own fluids.
For the first time in years, I felt as though I was home.
Home in a turbolift – what a concept.
We were quaking together in aftershocks, Kathryn moaning low in her throat, her forehead resting on the carpeting of the deck, her chin braced on her palms. The entire upper half of her body had caved in to the artificial gravity, and the only thing holding her against complete collapse was me. My hands on her hips.
“Kath…Kathryn,” I managed, after finding my voice. I was still penetrating her, rivulets of sweat running down my face, staining the turtleneck of my uniform. It already chafed against me. I leaned forward, grasped her shoulders, and drew her bare skin back to mine completely, wrapping her in my arms. She was gasping for breath. It made me chuckle, looking her over, tucking her against me. She tipped her head up; our lips met for another delicious kiss, so unlike our lovemaking in the turbolift – light and careful.
“God – are you all right?” I asked again. All right, so it wasn’t the best thing to say. But I don’t think I could have thought up anything more intellegent at that point in time.
“Fine,” She got out, after about three tries. I smiled, watching her gasp for breath, her lips trying so very, very hard to come up with something articulate and failing for a good few minutes, still trembling in my arms. My hand caressed her face, wiping the sweat them. She caught it, drew it to her lips, kissed it softly and wrapped her arms around my neck.
My gods. I wondered what we could have possibly fit inside that lift from our quarters, because at that moment in time, I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to leave. Comforting Kathryn has always been somewhat a part of my job, but I don’t think that Starfleet had this in mind when they designed the role of First Officer.
And at that point, I didn’t care.
I had the woman of my dreams right there in my arms.
She had, it seemed, put the reins of control in my hands, and so it was me that stood up first, awkwardly pushing myself up the wall. I fastened my pants, tucked in each of my three layers of shirts, and made sure I was presentable, save for the sweaty turtleneck that there wasn’t much about fixing. My next duty was, of course, Kathryn, who still sat on the floor watching me with wide, shining eyes. I grasped her under the arms, lifted hersecurely, set me on my feet and did the same, fixing the strands of my hair, making sure she looked as immaculate as possible as well. That done, I smoothed her short hair, cupping her face in my hands, grinning down at her. She gave me the sweetest smile I had seen in a long, long time.
We both glanced around when we stepped out of the turbolift, supressing our giggles as we made our way to her quarters. Thankfully there weren’t any people visible, and we met up with no one. I regarded it as a mark in our favor. I wasn’t shy about people knowing we had been together…I was just shy about letting people know where we had been together. She muttered something about being grateful that Tuvok or Vorik were not around, as they would have guessed instantly what we’d been up to.
We made it inside her quarters, at least, before a lecherous grin lit up her face again, and she attacked me. Desire flashed in her blue eyes, and suddenly the removal of clothing was taking place again. Boots, socks (I have no idea how we accomplished THAT one), pants, all of our uniforms were dropped to the floor, flung over a chair, we didn’t much care, endorphins and hormones taking over again as we toppled onto the couch, Kathryn landing not for the last time in my arms, where I proceeded to hold her as if she was the finest china. So unlike our lovemaking just a few minutes earlier, slow, gentle kisses and touches, my dark fingers rimming her pink nipples, contrasting against her pale skin. Her tongue licking at my collarbone, small hands learning my body.
“So,” I said to her, trying to be casual while fighting a laugh that threatened to explode, caressing her neck, chuckling with amusement as I watched her shiver and groan, “shall we try to make it to the bed this time?”
