Note #1: This story was inspired by the song "Superman (It's Not Easy)" by Five for Fighting. I thought of President Bartlet after hearing it. I'm really bad at interpreting the meaning of songs though, so it's entirely possible I shouldn't have thought of him after hearing it! Anyway, I meant to include the lyrics in the fic somehow, but I couldn't get it to work. I did, however, post them after the fic, for those interested in reading the lyrics. Note #2: This story takes place a few weeks after the season finale and is told from the President's POV.
I'm only a man. A man who is the leader of the free world. A man who ten people would gladly take a bullet for. A man who has cried himself to sleep countless times, but would never admit to it. I don't know what it is about being President that makes people believe that I am not flawed; that I do not have profound moments of weakness. I am human. Nothing more, nothing less. I've made my share of mistakes. Hell, I've made other people's share of mistakes. I have MS. It is not something that defines me, but it is a part of me that I cannot deny. And now I face my greatest challenge as President because of it. I wonder if the American people look at me differently now. I wonder if they feel betrayed, deceived. I wonder if that will be running through their minds as they cast their votes in next election. I know that my Senior Staff looks at me differently now. I can see it in their eyes. They hide it well, but I can see that a little part of them stopped believing in me that day. We work in a business where believing is as fragile as a glass figurine. It can be shattered in a heartbeat if not handled with care. I shattered a bit of their belief in me the day they found out about my MS. There is a part of them that will always wonder if there is something else I am not telling them; if I really am the person they pledged to serve at the pleasure of. They deserved better. These people sacrifice their social lives for the work that we do. They lose sleep over issues we have no hope of winning. And they fight with a fire in their eyes for them anyway. They deserved better from me. They put their trust in me and I let them down. I wish I could promise that it won't happen again, but I can't. I am human. There are times when the weight of the world brings me to my knees. There are times when I question all that I believe in and stand for. I am strong, I am weak, I am human. The famous playwright George Bernard Shaw once said, "Heartbreak is life educating us." Crap. An absolute load of crap. That's what I say. All right, I'll admit to still being a little raw around the edges about losing the one woman besides Abbey who could put me in my place. I still half-expect Mrs. Landingham to walk into my office at any moment or to start harassing me about my dislike of vegetables. The fact that she is currently haunting me has only strengthened that expectation. "Heartbreak is life educating us." Well, if that's true, then I'm just about the smartest damn person in the world right now. I can't believe she's gone. Those words coming out of Leo's mouth broke my heart. It was as if someone had stomped on it, causing it to splinter into a million pieces. I was angry. I was devastated. I still am. I need her now more than ever. I never expected to have to go through this without her. She's with me, I know that, but it's not the same. Her presence in this world meant something to me. She was a link to my past. She was a reminder of where I came from and where I was going. She's the reason I'm here. Without her guidance, I very well could have turned into a man who talked a big game, but wouldn't get up off his ass and do anything about it. Mrs. Landingham made me see that my father's view of me was wrong...That I was more...That I could be more. When I looked at her, I saw a woman of incredible strength and immense courage. She lost her boys, but she never lost hope. She went on and honored their memory the best that she could. One glance at her and I would know why I am so glad to have the office with the big seal on the floor. She made me remember why I wanted to become President. She always represented hope to me. Hope amid terrible despair. I would look at her and see a piece of the American people. The children who go to sleep hungry every night. The woman who cowers in the corner, trying to shield herself from the blows of an out-of-control husband. The teenager who thinks that drugs is the only way to make it through one day to the next. The elderly man who can't afford the medication he so desperately needs. I would look at her and remember that they are the people I am fighting for. I would look at her and know that there is hope for them...And that maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to help them and make them see that hope. It was in those moments, when I'd look at her and remember, that I'd felt like Superman. I could do anything. I could leap tall buildings, outrun bullets. In those moments, I was unstoppable. Then she died. She died in a terrible, unfair way. And my reminder died with her. My invincibility vanished with her. Sure, I see her, I talk to her, but I can't just glance at her whenever I feel the need anymore. I doubt myself now more than ever. There are times I wish I'd never agreed to run again. The first time was so hard. I never expected to win. I don't know that I was ever actually prepared to hear that I had. This time will be harder. Now the people know that I didn't disclose something important about myself. They may question my character. They may hold all of my failures during this term against me. Before I took office, I promised myself I would never become a 'headline president'. I would never become one of those president's whose name is in the paper everyday because of this indiscretion, that scandal. I promised myself that I would never allow the important issues we work on here everyday to be overshadowed like that. Yet, here I am. Every newschannel has been discussing this nonstop for weeks. Every paper can't get enough. I don't think of it as a scandal, but there are people who do. And my staff and wife will face endless questions and probably far worse because of their involvement with me. My wonderful, loyal staff will be put through the wringer for something they had no knowledge of. But, and I say this without hesitation, I would do it all again in a second. I wouldn't change a thing. The fact is that I probably wouldn't have been elected if the people knew I had MS. I didn't even win by a majority as it is. They would have perceived me as weak. Come election time, at least, they will know that I've done this job for four years. Whether or not they believe I've done it well is another story. And whether they believe I can do it well for another four remains to be seen. But I wouldn't have changed a thing. Did my staff deserve better? Damn straight. Could I have given them better? God help me, no. If I had told them at the outset, I would have left them open to even more trouble. No matter what anyone ever says, they will know that they never lied to protect me and that I never asked them to. Would they have lied to protect me? Would these good, decent people have lied to protect me? In a heartbeat. And they would have gone to sleep with their consciences clear because that is what needed to be done. In the long run, it wouldn't have been about me. It would have been about doing their jobs. It would have been about working on the issues that are important to this nation. It would have been about leaving this place better than we found it. That's how it was for a while, but it's ended now. I'm the news, damn what really matters. But I carry on. I continue on with my days, as if the past few weeks haven't changed me. I act as if I'm not weaker in some senses and stronger in others than I have ever been. I try to act as if the whole world does not know I have MS and that Mrs. Landingham is sitting outside my office. Then I look at Leo's face and I can't deny the events that have come to pass recently. His face seems older now, his eyes already showing the fatigue from the uphill battle he knows lies ahead. Or I pass by Mrs. Landingham's desk, smile politely at Nancy and I can't pretend that things haven't changed. That I haven't changed. But I will carry on. I will fight my damnedest to win that election. I will do all that I can to renew the faith of my staff and that of the American people. I will do all that I can to honor the woman who set me on this path. And, for a few shining moments, I will again feel like Superman. Until the Kryptonite once again brings me to my knees.
THE END
"Superman (It's Not Easy)" By Five For Fighting I can't stand to fly I’m not that naive I’m just out to find The better part of me I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane More than some pretty face beside a train It’s not easy to be me Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I’ll never see It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive Even heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede Even heroes have the right to dream It’s not easy to be me Up, up and away…away from me It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight I’m not crazy…or anything… I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive Men weren’t meant to ride With clouds between their knees I’m only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me It’s not easy to be me.
