Note #1: The premise of this story is taken 
from an episode of 'The Dick Van Dyke Show',
just so you know. 



      I am not calling him.  I refuse to call him. 

      He's the first one I think to call every time I get in a jam. 

      No pun intended. 

      You see, my toe is currently jammed into the faucet of my bathtub. 

      I can hear Josh laughing right now.  I can see that smug grin. 

      I am not calling him. 

      I'd sooner wrinkle to the point of looking more like a prune than a 
woman before I'd call him for help. 

      I consider my options. I could just stay here for the foreseeable 
future.  I have water to drink, so becoming dehydrated is not a problem.   
Sure, eventually I'd starve to death, but wouldn't it be worth it to avoid 
such a humiliation? 

    Okay, scratch that.  My water source is currently unavailable and I 
really don't think I'd prolong my life much by ingesting soapy water. 

      I know what you're thinking.  Call a neighbor, call a friend, call 
someone else if you're so against calling Josh. 

      I have thought about that.  But here's the thing: he's the one person 
in this world I can picture not feeling totally uncomfortable with as I lay 
covered by a towel in a bathtub full of bubbles. 

      I know, it's silly.  Josh and I do NOT have that kind of relationship, 
but we have always felt at ease with each other.  Even when he's annoying and 
embarrassing me, I've felt at ease with him.   

      I liken it to this:  if you're going to fall flat on your face, you'd 
want it to be in front of your best friend.  There's a familiarity there that 
allows you to feel stupid and embarrassed, while remaining oddly comfortable 
in the situation.   

    I know that probably doesn't make any sense to others, but it makes 
sense to me. 

      Well, truth be told, Josh is my best friend.  I feel totally at ease 
with him.   

      But I can't call him, I just can't. 

      A piece of information I read on a website a while ago, suddenly pops 
into my head: "Across the United States, 20,000 deaths and nearly 25 million 
injuries occur in homes each year. About 80,000 of these injuries cause some 
permanent impairment. This means 1 person in 10 requires medical attention 
each year as a result of a home accident." 

      Okay, I'm calling him. 

      Thank God for cordless phones. 

* * * *

      "You're what?" Josh asks in a tone that clearly indicates he has 
understood me perfectly, but is already finding this extremely amusing. 

      "You heard me, Joshua," I say through clenched teeth. 

      I hear him laughing into the phone.  God, he can be such a jerk. 

      "Sam," he calls, "get in here!  You've got to hear this." 

      "NO!" I yell into the phone, but it's too late.  I can already hear 
Josh explaining the situation to Sam. 

      "Donna's big toe is stuck in the faucet of her bathtub." 

      It's at this point that Sam and Josh both burst into laughter.  It's 
also at this point that I vow to cause Josh bodily harm as soon as I'm 
ambulatory again. 

      "Josh!" I scream into the receiver.   

    I can almost see him pulling the phone away from his head and rubbing at 
his ear.  Good, I hope his hearing has been compromised.  It would serve him 
right.   

      "Yes, Donnatella?" he answers back in a condescending tone. 

      "How could you tell Sam about this?!  As if this isn't embarrassing 
enough, you had to go and tell the whole world!" 

      "I wouldn't call Sam the whole world." 

      "You know what I mean!" 

     "Then I'm guessing you don't want me to send a memo out to the other 
staffers regarding this situation." 

      "How perceptive of you," I reply sarcastically. 

      "Why would you stick your toe in the faucet anyway?" he asks. 

     I roll my eyes and respond sharply, "I didn't purposely place my toe in 
the faucet, you nitwit!" 

      "You're sitting nude in a bathtub full of bubbles with your toe stuck 
in a faucet and you have the nerve to call me a nitwit?" 

      "It was an accident, Josh." 

     "But-...," Josh's sentence is interrupted by Sam grabbing the phone 
from him and speaking. 

      "Donna, is the toe beginning to change colors?" 

      I can feel my brow crease. "I can't really tell, but I don't think so, 
Sam.  Why?" 

      "Oh, no reason.  It's just that I saw this girl on Rescue 911 once who 
got her finger stuck in those Chinese handcuffs and the EMT said that if her 
finger had changed colors they may have had to amputate." 

      The color, I am quite sure, drains from my face at that statement. 

    It is at this point that I hear Josh snatch the phone away from Sam and 
then proceed to reprimand him in a way only he can.  "Gee, Sam, you're such a 
comfort!  There must be a suicide hotline somewhere that's missing you!" 

      I smile at that and then listen as Josh addresses me again, "Look, 
don't listen to Sam.  I'm sure he misunderstood the program.  He got really 
confused during an episode of 'Three's Company' one time, so he's really not 
a reliable source." 
       
     I grin and shake my head at the fact that he can go from insensitive to 
strangely comforting in two seconds flat. 

      "Of course, if they do have to amputate, then you'll probably have a 
limp and that'll throw off the rhythm of 'our walk' considerably." 

      Okay, so he had to keep talking and ruin the moment.  It is, however, 
nice to note that the amount of time it took him to go from comforting back 
to insensitive is considerably less than it took him to go from insensitive 
to comforting. 

     "Yes, Josh, the possibility of disrupting the rhythm of 'our walk' is 
weighing heavily on my mind right about now," I respond sarcastically. 

      "Sarcasm is not becoming of you, Donna." 

      "Neither is sitting in a bathtub with a new chrome appendage, Josh!" 

      "That's what you get for asking to go home early." 

      "I went home thirty minutes early." 

      "So was it worth it?"  I roll my eyes and he continues, "How exactly 
did you do this?" 

      I feel my face burn with humiliation, even though there is no one 
around to witness it.  "I was using my toe to turn the hot water handle on to 
add some hot water to the tub and my foot slipped.  My toe ended up getting 
stuck in the faucet." 

      "I was expecting a more interesting tale." 

      "Sorry to disappoint you." 

      "I'll be there in fifteen." 

* * * *

      It's been 15 minutes since I hung up with Josh.  I know this because I 
have been counting 'Mississippi's' ever since.  Trust me when I tell you that 
word's much more difficult to say than you would think. 

      On the 900th Mississippi, Josh bounds into my bathroom, his hands 
firmly placed on his hips in a superhero pose.   

      He grins at me and says in a deep voice.  "Here I come to save the 
day!  Have no fear, SuperJosh is here." 

      If I weren't so glad to see him, I'd be thinking of ways to ridicule 
him.  I do, however, manage a roll of my eyes which he notices. 

      He shakes his head and gestures to the door, "Don't worry, I brought 
back up." 

      My eyes widen at that statement and before I can say a word, Sam, Toby 
and CJ pile into my bathroom. 

      I instinctively draw my towel closer to my body, as my mouth drops 
open.   I am speechless. 

      I finally regain my ability to speak and say through clenched teeth, 
"How could you bring them here, Josh?!" 

      His brow wrinkles, apparently perplexed by my anger. 

      He shrugs, "I figured I might need some help." 

      "And it didn't cross your mind that I might not want an audience while 
I am in this vulnerable state?" 

      He ponders this one for a moment. "Um, no." 

      I sigh and shake my head, too angry to even speak another word. 
       
      There are a few moments of uncomfortable silence until Sam breaks it.   
"I came because Josh said we make a good team." 

     Toby chimes in dryly, "And I came because the last time they made a 
'good team' the White House almost went up in flames." 

      It was CJ's turn next, "I'm here under protest.  I told Josh this was 
a bad idea.  Since he forced me to come, I figured I'd be your comforting 
female presence." 

      I smile weakly at CJ and then glare at Josh.  He, however, does not 
see my glare because his eyes are now glued to the awkward position of my 
body. 

      I didn't mention this yet, but my faucet is the kind that is in the 
center of the length of the bathtub instead of at one end.  Therefore, my leg 
is bent and twisted across my body.  This makes for a very strange and, I 
venture, unattractive pose. 

      Josh smiles at me, his eyes twinkling.  He gestures to my leg.  "How 
are you that limber and still single?" 

      Since I am unable to, CJ rewards Josh with a smack upside the head for 
me. 

      I smile at her, "Thank you, CJ." 

      "That's what I'm here for." 

      After making a big production of rubbing at his head, Josh finally 
rolls up his sleeves and kneels down on the floor. He leans close to the 
bathtub and examines my toe and the faucet.  Then he nods and says, "Yup, 
it's stuck all right." 

      "Well, thank you so much for your assessment!" I growl at him. 

      He grins wickedly, "You know, for someone who is dependent upon my 
help you sure are being snippy." 

      I tighten my jaw and force myself to speak kindly. "I'm sorry, I'm 
just a little tense." 

      He nods, "Apology accepted." 

      Josh then turns to Sam and says, "Go get me some butter from the 
kitchen." 

      "Butter or margarine?" 

      "Whatever she has, Sam," Josh responds testily. 

      "Because they both have their detractors and..-" 

      "Sam!" Josh interrupts him. "We're going to use it to free her toe, 
not make a grilled cheese sandwich!" 

      Sam blushes slightly before leaving the bathroom. 

      Josh turns to me, "He insisted on being my sidekick.  Calls himself 
SuperSam, although he'll never admit it." 

      I smile and then watch as Sam reenters, handing Josh the tub of 
butter.  He pulls the lid off and then digs his fingers into the butter.   
They emerge coated in butter and he brings his fingers to my toe.  He coats 
the toe, getting as close to the faucet as he can.   

      "Okay, pull," he orders me. 

      I pull with all my might to no avail.   

      He sighs, "Okay, plan B."  He turns to Sam again, "Get me some oil 
from the kitchen." 

      "Vegetable or Olive?" he asks. 

      "Sam!" Josh barks, which immediately causes Sam to leave the room. 

      He returns a few moments later with a bottle of olive oil.  Josh takes 
the bottle, removes the cap and proceeds to drench my toe and the surrounding 
faucet, careful to get as much oil between my toe and the faucet as possible. 

      When he finishes he says, "Okay, pull." 

      Once again, I pull with all my might to no avail. 

      Josh runs a hand through his hair and lets out an exasperated sigh.   
"Time for Plan C," he mumbles. 

      "There's a Plan C?" Sam asks. 

      Josh shakes his head, "No, but I was hoping for suggestions." 

    "I suggest that Toby is allowed to go home to watch the ballgame he is 
in the process of missing," Toby suggests. 

      "Good one, but not what I was looking for," Josh responds. 

    "I suggest we call the fire department and let them deal with this," CJ 
contributes. 

      Josh stands up, his eyes meeting hers.  "CJ, are you implying that I 
am not capable of doing this job?" 

      "I'm not implying anything, Josh.  I'm flat-out saying you're not 
capable of doing this job." 

      "Are you questioning my manhood?" 

    "Actually, I was questioning your toe-removal abilities, but since we're 
on the subject." 

      Josh grins and shakes his head, "Apparently, you've never heard of the 
incident of '83." 

      "Enlighten me." 

      Josh nods and begins to speak in a dramatic voice, "It was a cold 
winter day, the kind of day you remember forever." 

      I roll my eyes at Josh's antics, as he continues, "There was a chill 
in the air that sent shivers down my spine.  I was out for a stroll when I 
heard some screaming.  It was coming from the schoolyard across the street.   
I walked over there and found a crowd of children gathered around a pole.  As 
I got closer, I could see that a boy's tongue had frozen to a pole.  I had to 
think quickly, but-..." 

      "Uh, Josh?" Toby interjects.  "That incident's from the movie 'A 
Christmas Story'." 

      Josh smiles and shrugs, "Well, you know how kids get ideas from 
movies." 

      Toby groans and rubs at his bare head, "Give us a break, will ya?   
Admit defeat and get on with it." 

      "I will do no such thing!  I never back down from a challenge." 

      Groans emerge from all three staffers' mouths. 

      "I think I may have an idea, I'll be right back," Josh declares a 
moment later. 

      With that, Josh exits the bathroom.   

     Toby, apparently tired of standing, sits down on the toilet seat.  CJ 
busies herself by examining all of the beauty products that line my counter.   

      Sam, not content to sit still, begins rummaging under the sink 
cabinet.  He soon emerges with a sponge and Lysol soap scum cleaner in his 
hands.  My eyes narrow at him as he approaches the bathtub where I remain a 
hostage. 

      He leans over me and sprays some of the cleaner on the tile above my 
head.  Sam then wipes it away with a sponge.  He's about to continue when I 
interrupt him. 

      "Um, Sam?" 

      "Yeah?" 

      "What are you doing?" 

      "Cleaning your bathtub." 
       
      "With me still in it?"  I ask, my voice tinged slightly with 
irritation. 

   He stops cleaning and looks down at me.  His smile indicates slight 
embarrassment. "I have a thing about soap scum.  It really bothers me.  I 
couldn't stand here looking at it for one more minute." 

      I smile at him, "Well, I appreciate that, I really do.  But I'd rather 
you wait until I am no longer in the bathtub before cleaning it." 

      He nods, although his face shows a hint of disappointment.  "Of 
course." 

    A moment later, Josh enters the bathroom with an object in his hands 
that causes all four mouths to drop open in horror.   

      He's carrying a chainsaw. 

      Yes, you read right.   

      A chainsaw. 

      Josh is carrying a chainsaw. 

      I just used the words 'Josh' and 'chainsaw' in the same sentence. 

      I'm horrified. 

      I swallow hard and manage to croak out some words. "Um, Josh, what are 
you doing with that?" 

      He smiles widely at me, "I'm going to use this to saw off the faucet 
and free you." 

      I shudder at the thought.  "No, you are not.  You were forbidden to 
ever touch anything sharp or pointy again after you almost blinded Sam with 
that letter opener." 

      Josh shrugs, "Sam was fine." 

      Sam fingers his right eye as he speaks, "I had blurred vision in that 
eye for 14 minutes." 

      "You're fine," Josh grumbles at him. 

    Sam sighs and says, "Actually, I still get blurred vision whenever I do 
a 'Magic Eye'." 

      A grin pulls at CJ's lips, "Correct me if I'm wrong, Sam, but isn't 
blurring your vision a part of doing Magic Eyes?" 

      Before Sam can answer, Toby snorts, "The man just admitted to doing 
Magic Eyes and that was your problem with his statement?" Toby pauses and 
then addresses Sam, "I thought you had to be prepubescent to do Magic Eyes." 

      "You have to have eyes to do Magic Eyes, Toby," Sam says through 
clenched. 
       
      I turn my attention back to Josh, "You're not coming near me with 
that.  I've seen firsthand the damage you can do with things that are not 
blunt."        

      Josh shrugs off my statement, "Yes, but that letter opener didn't have 
any grip.  This has a safety no-slip grip." 

     Toby scoffs at that and says under his breath, "Well then, Donna should 
feel perfectly safe." 

      "Where did you even find that thing?" I ask, ignoring Toby's statement. 

      "Your neighbor in 5b." 

      "Old Mr. Shanahan?" 

      "Yup." 

      "Why does he have a chainsaw?  We live in an apartment building.  He 
doesn't have a yard.  What possible use could he have for a chainsaw?" 

      Josh smiles wickedly and waggles his eyebrows, "I don't know, but I'd 
stay alert around that one.  I noticed a strange smell emanating from his 
closets." 

      I twist my face in disgust, "Oh, that's gruesome, Josh!" 

      He laughs, "Relax, I found it in the basement.  The gardener must use 
it in the yard." 

      Josh takes a step towards me and I flinch, inching myself into the 
corner of the bathtub as much as possible.  "I'm serious, Josh.  You're not 
coming near me with that thing." 

      He sighs, "Donna, all I want to do is cut the faucet off an inch or 
two away from where your toe must be. Then, hopefully, I can stick my fingers 
in and push your toe out." 

      I groan, "As foolproof as that plan sounds, the answer is still no. 
Plus, I really don't think my landlord would appreciate you destroying the 
faucet." 

      "So you pay for a new faucet, Donna.  It's worth it.  I mean, what's 
the going rate for freedom, nowadays?" 

      I laugh mirthlessly, "I don't know, Josh.  What's the going rate for 
toes, nowadays?!" 

      He moans and rubs at his forehead, "I'm not going to cut off your toe. 
 Trust me." 

      "Are you kidding?  You, Mr. Mishap, are wielding a chainsaw and 
declaring that you are going to use it within inches of my toe.  Not only do 
I question your ability to handle sharp objects, I'm questioning your sanity 
right about now.  At this point, I wouldn't even let you within ten feet of 
me with a nail clipper!" 

      He grins, "Well, good, cause a nail clipper ain't gonna do the trick." 

      "Josh!" 

      He groans loudly and his shoulders sag in defeat, "Fine, we'll think 
of another way." 

      "Thank you," I say with a relief-filled smile. 

      He exits the bathroom, but not before throwing over his shoulder, "But 
if we don't come up with something soon, I'm going to come back in here and 
start hacking." 

      I swallow hard at the thought and say a quick prayer for my safety and 
that of all my beauty products. 

      He returns a few minutes later and studies me, "So?" 

      "So what?" 

      "What did you come up with?" 

      "For what?" 

      "The global warming crisis!  What the hell do you think?!" he barks at 
me. 

      I raise my eyebrows at him, not at all pleased with his tone.  I turn 
my head away from him and study the tile. 

      I hear him sigh loudly and, out of the corner of my eye, I can see him 
run a hand through his hair in frustration. 

      "Don't start with this.  Don't give me the cold shoulder.  I really 
don't think you're in any position to ignore me." 

    I roll my eyes at the fact that he's right.  However, under any other 
circumstances, he'd be in big trouble for speaking to me like that. 

      I slowly turn back to him, "I don't know what else to do." 

      He gives me a 'no freakin' kidding' kind of look and then turns around 
to face the others. "We are very open to suggestions.  Make yourselves 
useful." 

      CJ turns to address Toby and Sam, "Pizza, anyone?" 

      They both nod and respond with enthusiastic 'yeses' and 'i'm 
starvings'.   

      I can see Josh's shoulders tense and I know that he's gearing up for 
something. "Hey!" he yells.  "You're not helping!  Come on, some of the 
brightest minds in the world are congregated in this bathroom...Surely we can 
devise a way to free a woman from a faucet.  Damn it, we've solved major 
world crises!  I think that we can rise to the occasion this time." 

      CJ, Toby and Sam stare back at him with blank faces, obviously unmoved 
by Josh's 'pep talk'.   

      CJ turns to Toby and Sam again, "Pepperoni good?" 

      Josh shakes his head at that and says tiredly, "Come on, guys." 

      Toby shrugs his shoulders and says bluntly, "Look, Josh, we're tired 
and we're hungry.  We've just spent the better part of our night sitting in a 
bathroom looking at a woman in a bathtub.  Now, either you let us eat or I'm 
gonna get that chainsaw and come after you with it." 
      
      Josh simply sighs and shakes his head. 

* * * * 

    Two medium pizzas arrive twenty minutes later.  The five of us inhale 
both of them in mere minutes.  I can honestly say this is the first time I've 
ever eaten pizza in a bathtub.  Actually, this if the first time I've ever 
eaten anything in a bathtub. 

     Silence ensues after everyone finishes, until Sam speaks. 

     "How do you know if you're going to have a light day?" Sam asks, 
seemingly out of nowhere. 

     It is then that I notice he has a package of  my sanitary napkins in 
his lap and is studying it.  He must have swiped it from under the sink when 
I wasn't paying attention. 

     I look at CJ, "You want to take that one?" 

     CJ offers me a slight smile and nods.  She then turns to Sam, "Well, 
Sam, when Aunt Flo comes for a visit she brings a detailed list of her needs 
and habits with her." 

     Sam offers CJ a grin, "Going by that answer, I'd have to say you've got 
a guest." 

     I notice Toby shake his head, knowing that Sam has erred. 

   CJ quickly picks up the package from Sam's lap and then hits him in the 
forehead with it. 

     Sam rubs at his head and whines, "Hey, what was that for?" 

     "That was for sounding like Josh.  I expect more from you." 

     "It's not fair, I can't get away with anything just because I'm the 
'nice one'," Sam says under his breath. 

     "And that, my friend, is the reason you were subjected to wedgies well 
into your college career," Toby adds. 

     "Hey, I was in a fraternity.  They do those things." 

     "I didn't realize females were permitted in fraternities," Toby replies 
with a smirk. 

     Sam shakes his head in irritation, "You know, you tell a guy something 
one time while in a vulnerable state and he uses it against you." 

     Toby smiles and then snatches the package of sanitary napkins from 
Sam's lap, which CJ had replaced.  He begins to examine it.  "You know you're 
bored when you begin to find feminine products exceedingly interesting." 

     He continues to examine the package and then laughs, pointing to a 
section on it's side, "There's like 95 different kinds of these things." Sam 
leans over to look at what Toby is talking about.    

     Toby continues, "My, how do you women decide.  First, it's a choice 
between wings and no wings." He pauses and then smiles, "I don't where you 
all plan on going during that time, but it's nice that wings is an option." 

    He goes on, "Then there's Super this, Super that, Ultra this, Ultra 
that, Long, Thin.  Damn, I've seen less variety at a Baskin-Robbins." 

     CJ smiles, "Well, women are different and things can change from day to 
day, Toby.  You have your Rocky Road days and you have your French Vanilla 
days." 

    "I'd just like to say that I feel this conversation has taken a very 
uncomfortable turn," Sam comments, but no one acknowledges him. 

     Toby just stares at CJ before saying, "I have no idea what you're 
talking about, but I really want some ice cream now." 

     I'm not entirely sure I understood CJ either, but I am sure I could 
kill for some Cookies & Cream right about now. 

     During this conversation, Josh has been sitting on the edge of the tub, 
his head in his hands.   

     He's thinking.   

     I'm scared. 

     He finally jerks his head up and gives us all a glare, "What the hell 
is this, 'Sex and the City'?!" 

     "I thought you were thinking," I comment. 

     "It's a little hard to think when you are forced to listen to this 
'girl talk'." 

     "So, I'm to assume you haven't come up with a way to free me." 

     Josh offers me a wicked grin, "Actually, I've begun to consider leaving 
you here.  Think of the freedom I'll enjoy.  I'll be able to drink alcoholic 
beverages.  I can hire an assistant who will actually bring me coffee.  I 
won't have to endure anymore longwinded, one-sided conversations about 
trivial information.  I don't know, sounds pretty appealing." 

     "Josh," I say softly. 

     "Yeah?" 

     "Come closer." 

     He offers me a strange look, before leaning closer to me. 

     I take this opportunity to grab ahold of his tie and yank him towards 
me. 

     His eyes widen and his face immediately grows red.   

     I speak softly, but in a tone that is about as sinister as I can 
manage. "Don't even think about abandoning me, Joshua.  Never underestimate 
the power of a woman and her peticured toes." 

     He makes a little gurgling sound before croaking, "Okay, just let go.   
The blood is no longer flowing to my brain." 

     I let him go abruptly, the force of which sends him careening backwards 
a bit.   

     Josh rubs at his neck, "You have violent tendencies." 

     "I do not have violent tendencies." 

     "People call me hostile, but you have violent tendencies." 

     "I've been stuck in a bathtub for three hours!" 

     He continues, completely ignoring me, "Let's examine your history.   
You've been known to yank me by the ear.  You-..." 

     "Josh!" I snarl. "Shut up and get me out of here." 
      
     "Fine," he agrees and then adds under his breath, "But you do have 
violent tendencies." 

* * * * 

   "I'll never understand why you women insist on keeping these fancy 
wrapped soaps around.  You never use them," Toby comments, as he surveys my 
countertop. 

     "I'm choosing not to take offense to that 'you women' reference," CJ 
informs him. 

     Toby ignores her and continues, "You've got rose-shaped soaps, 
heart-shaped soaps,  a variety of different fragrances."  He shakes his head 
and turns to Sam, "It must be due to a fundamental difference in the genders, 
because not only do men not have decorative soaps, your lucky if they have 
any soap at all." 

     Sam turns away from him and mumbles incoherently, "I have decorative 
soaps." 

     "Excuse me?" Toby asks, his eyebrows raised. 

     "I have decorative soaps." 

     "You have decorative soaps?" 

     "Yes." 

     "Why?" 

     "They look nice." 

     Toby shakes his head, a smirk upon his lips, "You know, Sam, you're a 
waxing and a trip to 'Bath & Body Works' away from being a woman." 

     Sam lowers his head and Toby's eyes widen. 

     "You go to 'Bath & Body Works'?" Toby asks. 

     "They have fine smelling products, Toby," Sam responds, as he lifts his 
head a bit. 

     "That's a store for females, Sam.  You know, the ones with breasts." 

     "That's completely untrue.  They have a men's line of products." 

     "You know what fragrance I like?  Cucumber Melon," CJ comments. 

     Sam raises his head and responds excitedly, "Oh, I love Cucumber Melon. 
 I have the Creamy Body Wash." 

     Toby's eyes nearly fall out of his head at that comment.  It is only 
then that Sam realizes his slip-up. 

     "So that Cucumber Melon's a part of the men's line, right, Sam?" 

     He nods unconvincingly, "Uh, yeah." 

     Toby shakes his head, "All this time I thought I had a male for a 
Deputy.  Boy was I wrong." 

    "Just because I enjoy nice smelling products intended for women does not 
make me any less of a man," Sam says defensively. 

     "No, it makes you a woman." 

     "Hey!  It's not my fault they have good products that cleanse your body 
while removing dead skin and leave it smelling like a fruit." 

     Toby groans, "You're a man, Sam.  You should be using a bar of soap.   
I'll even permit a wash cloth, if you'd like.  You should be using a manly 
smelling bar of soap, like Zest or Irish Spring." 

     "It's nice to know your so openminded and not at all sexist, Toby," CJ 
says. 

   "I have an openmind.  It's just not open enough to fit a fruity smelling 
Sam through." 

     CJ grins at him, "Well, it's obvious that Sam is more secure in his 
manhood than you are.  I find it refreshing and attractive." 

     Sam smiles widely at Toby, "I'm refreshing and attractive." 

     Toby scoffs and addresses CJ, "Sure he's refreshing and attractive now. 
 But if he was your guy and he used up all the Cucumber Melon Body Wash, I'd 
bet you'd be singing a different tune."   

      There are a few silent moments before Toby turns to Sam, "Waxing?" 
       
      Sam drops his head and responds softly, "You swim in college and-..." 
       
      "Damn it, Sam, you are a woman!" 

     CJ's about to respond to Toby when Josh enters the bathroom, talking on 
the phone. 

     "Yes, sir, thank you." 

     Oh.  My.  God. 

     There's only one person he calls 'sir'. 

     Please don't let him be that stupid. 

     Please, God, don't let him be that stupid. 

     "Yes, Mr. President, I'll be sure to do that." 

     He is that stupid. 

     Damn him, he is that stupid. 

     He hangs up the phone and turns to me with a grin.  His countenance, 
however, immediately changes when he sees my scowl. 

     "Okay, why are you looking at me like that?" 

     "You told the President I got my toe stuck in a faucet?!" 

     He smiles and shakes his head, "Of course not." 

     I breathe a sigh of relief, as he continues, "I told him *CJ* got her 
toe stuck in the faucet." 

     "Me?!" CJ squeals.  "Why me?!" 

     I feel for CJ, I really do.  I too have been touched by Josh's 
stupidity.  But, truthfully, I am so glad that she's the one dealing with it 
this time, instead of me. 
      
     Josh shrugs, "Because Donna has violent tendencies." 

    CJ hits him upside the head again, "Who the hell do you think taught her 
those?" 

     Josh rubs at his head, "Oh yeah, I forgot you have violent tendecies, 
too.  Must be a female thing." 

     For that comment, Josh is again rewarded with a slap upside the head. 

     "Dude," Sam says softly, "I'd stop talking before you lose any more 
brain cells." 

     After Josh rubs at his head for a few moments, he sighs and says, 
"Well, do you want to know what he told me or not?" 

     I nod, "Yes, please tell us." 

     "Vaseline." 

     "Vaseline?" I ask. 

     "Yup, he says Vaseline will do the trick.  I just have to make sure to 
get some between the faucet and your toe." 

     "I don't mean to doubt the President's expertise on the subject, but 
how exactly does he know this will work when butter and oil haven't?" I ask. 

     Josh smiles, "From experience.  Seems the First Lady also got her toe 
stuck in a faucet a number of years ago and Vaseline worked." 

     CJ, Toby and Sam chuckle at that, apparently trying to imagine the same 
thing happening to Dr. Bartlet.   

     Josh turns to them, "He also said that if anyone ever lets the First 
Lady know that he told us, we'll be subjected to daily lessons on the history 
of maple syrup." 

     Their expressions change to horror and they respond in unison, "My lips 
are sealed." 

     Josh turns back to me, "So, do you have any?" 

     "In the cabinet behind the mirror.  Third shelf."  He opens the cabinet 
and removes the jar of Vaseline. 

     He then kneels before me and opens the lid.  He dips his fingers in and 
coats two of his fingers.  Then he rubs it on my toe, careful to get some 
between it and the faucet by pushing a bit of it through the nearly 
non-existent gap.  He then grabs ahold of my toe and begins twisting it back 
and forth ever so gently. 

     I watch him as he works, his eyes focused on the task at hand.  I 
always love watching him when he's like this...When he's thinking, working 
methodically on a problem at work.  You can almost see his mind racing. 

     To me, there's nothing sexier. 

     Especially when he's making a heroic gesture on my behalf. 

     Okay, so he's not saving my cats from a burning building or pushing me 
out of the way of a moving car, but this is enough.  It's heroic to me. 

     All right, don't start thinking that way.  I can find him sexy, while 
still maintaining a purely platonic relationship.   

     I can find him sexy and he can still be my boss and best friend. 

     No, it won't eventually catch up to me and I'll have to act on these 
feelings. 

     I'm thrown from my thoughts as my toe slides out of the faucet. 

     A grin spreads across my face and I look at Josh, "I'm free!" 

     He smiles at me and says in his Scottish, Mel Gibson 'Braveheart' 
voice, "They may take your diginity, but they will never take your freedom!" 

     I laugh and wiggle my toe around.  It's a little red and sore, but 
doesn't look any worse for wear. 

      I smile at him and say softly, "Thank you." 

      He returns my smile and responds, "Anytime." 

      I point to the hook behind the door, "Could you please hand me my 
robe?" 

      He nods and hands it to me. 

     "Thanks."  I pause and then say as nicely as possible, "Could you all 
please leave?" 

      Toby, CJ and Sam go into motion immediately. 

   They head toward the door, as Toby comments, "After four long hours, the 
hostage crisis has finally ended.  The victims say they thought it would 
never end and one balding man commented that he 'considered drowning himself 
in the toilet just so he wouldn't have to endure one more moment'." 

      We all laugh, as they exit the bathroom. 

      I yell after them, "Thanks, guys!" 

      They respond with tired, halfhearted 'welcomes'. 

      I look at Josh and move my eyes in the direction of the doorway, "Uh, 
I meant you too.  I like some privacy when removing myself from a bathtub." 

      He places his hands in his pockets and shrugs with a grin, "I don't 
know, I just figured this incident has brought us a lot closer...Raised our 
relationship to a new level." 

      I study him for a second, unsure of the intention with which he said 
his words.  He seemed to be saying them jokingly, but it felt like there was 
something more beneath them. 

      I offer him a soft smile, "Goodbye, Josh." 

      He gives me half a smile, before leaning down and kissing my forehead. 
 "Try not to get yourself into anymore jams, okay?" 

      "Okay," I agree, my smile widening from his touch. 

      He moves to leave, but my voice stops him, "Josh?" 

      "Yeah?" he says, as he looks down at me. 

      "You make a pretty damn good superhero," I say with a smile. 

      He grins back at me with a hint of pride in is eyes, before saying, 
"Now if only I could use my chainsawing abilities for good rather than evil." 

      I chuckle and then watch as he exits the bathroom. 

      I slowly get out of the tub and put my robe on.   

      I smile creeps across my lips as I think of Josh. 

      Yes, he can be a jerk.  He can be arrogant and insensitive. 

      But, for a few moments today, he was my hero. 

      And, when I think about Josh and the work he does every day, that's 
the word I attribute to him. 

      Well, that and sexy. 

      Let's not forget about sexy. 




THE END

Feedback
Main Page