Chapter 3

Rachel pushed back the curtains and raised the window, propping it open with a piece of wood, trying to make as little noise as possible.  The late morning sunshine pleasantly lit the dark room while the thin cotton curtains fluttered in the breeze.  The rain of the night before had created a quagmire of the streets of Rock Creek but left a fresh, clean scent in the air. 

“That’s better,” Rachel said to herself as she tip-toed across the room carefully avoiding the floorboards known to squeak.  Rachel stopped at the side of the bed and gently tucked the thin blanket around Buck’s bruised and bandaged body before slipping out of the room.  Closing the door behind her, Rachel wondered why she was trying to be so quiet.  Buck wanted her to think he was asleep, but she knew better.  He would have been much more relaxed had he really been resting.  He was only pretending to be asleep so he wouldn’t have to talk to her.  Obviously, he was still upset with her about Ike’s trunk.

Rachel was upset with herself, too.  If she hadn’t insisted on rearranging the bunkhouse and moving Ike’s trunk, Buck would not have been in the hayloft and the bizarre accident would never have happened.  Rachel felt it was her fault and wanted to make amends, but Buck wasn’t ready to give her the chance.

Once he was certain Rachel had left the room, Buck opened his eyes.  He felt a brief pang of guilt for trying to deceive Rachel but he didn’t want to talk about what happened.  He just didn’t feel like it.  The pain in his chest wasn’t as bad as the night before but it still hurt a great deal.  As long as he remained still and took shallow, controlled breaths it was bearable. 

He remembered waking once in the night trying to suppress a scream as pain shot through his chest.  He had evidently tried to change position and the intense pain had torn through the veil of sleep.  Or maybe he did scream.   He really couldn’t remember.  Teaspoon had been there immediately with a heavy dose of the sleep inducing medicine and it worked quickly, but the laudanum brought a heavy, unnatural sleep.  He had awakened in the morning with an odd feeling, as if he was fighting through cobwebs in his mind. 

Buck had grown accustomed to waking in the night, choking back the urge to scream.  The images in his dreams caused as much agony as the broken bones.  But, the laudanum had soothed his throbbing body and held the dream at bay.  He didn’t like the foggy, confused feeling but a little peace, evidently, came with a price.

Kid raised his hands shielding his face from the flying mud as Jimmy’s palamino leapt through the sticky muck covering the station yard.

“Ride safe, Jimmy!” Kid said before breaking into a wide grin as he gazed lovingly upon the most beautiful girl in the world.

“Hey, good lookin’,” he called to Lou as she reined Lightning to a halt and slid from his back.

“You need glasses, Kid.  I’m a mess,” Lou exclaimed, jumping over a puddle that lay between her and the man she loved.  Both she and Lightning were covered with mud and grime from the sloppy trail.

“Don’t care,” Kid answered, glancing quickly around the yard to make sure no one was watching before he wrapped his arms around her.  “Glad you’re home.  I was worried ‘bout you last night in the storm.”

“Got lucky.  I made it to Willow Springs and got a room at the hotel before it hit,” she answered, returning the embrace.  “This is Buck’s run, why is Jimmy taking it?”

Lou listened intently as Kid explained the events of the day before, an incredulous look covering her face as he described their friend’s accident.

“He did what?” Lou exclaimed.  Buck was cautious by nature, Lou was amazed that such a thing could have happened.

“Rachel saw him fall.  She’s pretty shook up about it.  Blamin’ herself for movin’ Ike’s things up there.”

“Well, it ain’t her fault,” Lou said.  “Will you rub down Lightning for me while I get cleaned up?”

“Sure, long as you meet me in his stall later,” Kid answered with a mischievous grin as he led the mud covered animal to the barn.

Lou smiled softly, wondering how it was possible to love someone so much.  Ike’s death had some how strengthened her relationship with Kid.  They both still missed Ike terribly, but the overpowering grief of his death had passed.  Many hours had been spent late at night holding each other, crying, remembering the young man they were proud to call their friend.  They talked of their belief in heaven and were both certain it was an even better place for Ike being there.  The tears still came, occasionally.  Losing Ike hurt and would for some time, but they had come to accept his death.  Lou prayed Buck could soon do the same.

Lou clutched her clean shirt to her bare chest at the sound of the bunkhouse door opening.

“It’s just me, Lou,” Rachel said placing a fresh load of laundry on the table.  “Sorry I barged in.  I didn’t know you were back.”

Lou finished dressing and turned to watch Rachel absentmindedly folding a large sheet.  It was evident to her that Rachel’s mind was not on the laundry.

“Let me help,” Lou offered, grabbing the loose end of the sheet.

“Kid told me what happened, Rachel.  It ain’t your fault.  Buck’s just real sensitive about things right now.”

“I should have realized it was too early to move Ike’s things,” Rachel admitted.

“I think I can understand how he felt,” Lou said thoughtfully, “It might be too early.”  After thinking for a moment she added, “But who’s to say when it’s the right time?  Buck will be fine, you’ll see.”

“Still, I’d feel better if he’d let me apologize,” Rachel said, accepting the folded sheet from Lou.

“I’ll talk to him.”  Lou offered.  “Is he asleep?”

“No, he’s been playin’ possum all morning so he doesn’t have to talk to me,” Rachel explained as Lou headed toward Buck’s room.  “Maybe you can cheer him up. See if you can get him to take some more laudanum.  I imagine he needs another dose by now.”

Buck recognized the sound of Lou’s footsteps and opened his eyes as she approached.  He was relieved it was Lou.  If anyone came close to understanding how he felt, it was her.  He had seen the tears as her eyes fell upon the empty place at the supper table.   He was certain Lou still grieved.

“So, how are you feelin’?” Lou asked as she sat on the edge of the bed, creating just enough motion to cause Buck to wince in pain.

“I’m alright, just tired,” he answered after the pain subsided.

Lou picked up Ike’s drawing from the bedside table and smiled softly at Ike’s interpretation of himself.   She had not seen this one before.  Doc Barnes had pried the wet piece of paper from Buck’s grip the night before and laid it on the table to dry.

“I’m glad you saved it,” she began, “but you could have been hurt real bad.  You gotta be more careful, alright?”

“Is it ruined?” 

“No,” Lou assured Buck as she handed him the drawing.  “Just a little crumpled is all.” 

Lou wanted to ask Buck about the trunk incident but it wasn’t the right time.  He looked awfully tired and she could tell by his labored breathing that he was in pain.

“Rachel said you need to take some more laudanum,” Lou said changing the subject.

“I don’t want it, Lou.  It makes me feel strange.”

“Strange in what way?” Lou asked picking up the bottle to examine it more closely.

“It’s hard to explain.  Sleepy mostly and so relaxed that I don’t feel anything,” Buck answered, searching for the right description.

Lou looked at her tired friend and smiled.  “Now let me make sure I understand.  You need to rest and it makes you sleepy.  You hurt and it takes the pain away.  Why is that bad?”  Brushing his hair away from his face she added, “C’mon Buck.  It’s just medicine.”

Buck thought for a moment but couldn’t explain his apprehension about the drug.  Lou was right, his excuse didn’t make much sense.

“Tell you what,” Lou began.  “You take some of this and stop givin’ Rachel the silent treatment and after supper tonight I’ll find some heavy books to press the wrinkles out of Ike’s picture.  Deal?”

Lou poured what she thought was enough laudanum into a glass, and then added just a bit more for good measure before offering it to Buck. 

“Drink it,” she commanded with the authority of a general.

Buck forced himself to swallow the caustic liquid.

“Does it taste as bad as it smells?” Lou asked taking a whiff of the open bottle.

“Worse, try some for yourself,” Buck mumbled, resting his head back against the pillows to wait for the drowsy, floating feeling to take over.

Lou leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.  Hoping a little good natured teasing would lighten his mood she answered, “Don’t need to.  I’m not the one who fell out of the barn.”

Buck knew Lou was trying to cheer him up but it just didn’t work.  He held the pencil image of his best friend against his heart and wondered if he would ever feel anything but sadness again.  It was a feeling he knew all too well.

Growing up in the Kiowa village as a half-breed had been difficult, to say the least.  Red Bear loved him but he could never understand his brother’s misery.  Happy times for Buck had been few and far between.  He left the Kiowa hoping for a better life, but experienced the same amount of hatred from his father’s people.  The feelings of hopelessness, the beatings and laughter at his expense continued.  The only difference was the faces of his tormentors were white instead of red.

Ike had been a happy child and knew the love and acceptance of a family, but the murder of his parents and sister had thrown him into a sad, silent and unreachable world.

Once the two oddities of the Catholic orphanage found each other, things began to change.  Although as opposite as night and day to the eye, Buck and Ike grew to realize they really weren’t so different.  As their friendship grew, they began to fill each other’s needs.  Ike needed to speak so Buck gave him a language.   Buck needed to experience fun and Ike uncovered a mischievous side Buck never knew he had.  The sisters of the orphanage were the victims of more than one of the pair’s well executed pranks.  Both boys needed to express the heartache of their painful pasts and found comfort in each other’s understanding embrace.  Together they laughed and cried.

Now that Ike was gone, Buck couldn’t recall how to do either one.

“Any supper left Rachel?” Teaspoon asked hopefully.  “Where is everybody, anyway?  It’s quiet as a tomb in here.”

“There’s plenty left,” Rachel answered.  “Not many to feed tonight.  Noah took that short run to Blue Mound this afternoon and Kid and Lou are . . . are busy.” 

Teaspoon shook his head and sat down at the table.  He still had a hard time believing he hired a girl as an Express rider and now that girl was in love with another Express rider.

“You’re late tonight,” she remarked as she placed Teaspoon’s supper on the table.

The Marshall threw his hat and coat on the bench and breathed an exaggerated sigh.  “Barnett must be good for somethin’ but I swear, I don’t know what it is.  Think I’d be better off without him.  He couldn’t even handle a simple bar room brawl tonight.  Did Buck get along alright today?” he asked hopefully, shoveling in a mouthful of food.

“Oh, he slept most of the afternoon.  Doc said he was doing fine but needed to stay in bed another day.  He ate a little supper and then dozed off again.”

“Good,” Teaspoon replied between bites.  “He needs some rest. A body don’t work right without it.  Probably why he keeps having one accident after another.  If he’s in bed, he can’t hurt himself.”

Buck reached out for Ike but unseen hands pulled him away.  He tried to fight against them but the force was too strong, his struggle only increasing their hold on him.  Buck quickly turned around to see who was preventing him from reaching his friend, but found no one there.  Ike’s ghostly pale face turned toward him, his eyes expressing deep disappointment in his friend.  Blood began to flow from the wound in Ike’s chest soaking the bandages wrapped around him.  When the cloth could hold no more, the blood ran onto the bed and dripped to the floor forming a deep red pool at Buck’s feet.  Ike slowly shook his head in disapproval as his body began to fade away.

Buck tried to call out to Ike, but he couldn’t speak.  “I’m sorry!” he cried silently.  “I tried Ike!  Please forgive me!” he pleaded, frantically searching for his voice.

Buck bolted upright in bed, his heart racing, as Ike’s body faded away just out of his reach.  The dream was so real it took him a little while to remember he was in the spare room of the bunkhouse not the doctor’s office.  Ike had been gone for a month, not just a moment.

His broken ribs reacted violently to the sudden movement and sent waves of pain throughout his chest to remind him of their presence.  He tried to take a deep breath to calm his pounding heart, but the tight bandage supporting the broken bones prevented it.  Buck’s jaw tightened as he slowly lowered himself back into the bed.  His entire body hurt.  Lying in the same position all day had caused a terrible backache and the tender, bruised areas covering his upper body seemed to be competing for attention.  He didn’t realize it was possible to hurt in so many different places.  The doctor told him a good night sleep would help, but Ike’s piercing stare seemed intent on not allowing it. 

Buck thought he understood the dream, at least the first part of it.  It was reminding him he had failed Ike.  He failed him that day by not reaching him in time to stop his dangerous actions, as a best friend should, and he continued to fail Ike each night by not reaching him at all. 

Buck had begged the spirits to release him from the grip of this dream but his pleas were ignored.  Each night before he closed his eyes to sleep he silently recited chants remembered from his childhood.  He held his medicine bundle tightly and tried to think of happy times with Ike.  He remembered placing a bullfrog in the Reverend Mother’s desk and watching it leap into her lap as she opened the drawer or the long quiet walks he and Ike took to escape the other children of the orphanage.  What he would give for a happy dream.  But it never came.  Perhaps he was being punished for his failure.

Now he just wanted to sleep, to sleep hard with no dreams, not even good ones.  He could not understand how something so simple had become so difficult.  But he knew if he closed his eyes again, Ike’s haunting image would be there.  As so many nights before, Buck decided not sleeping at all was preferable. 

Wide awake in the dark room, Buck wished for a little company.  He felt a twinge of jealousy as the soft sounds of snoring drifting through the bunkhouse confirmed that its occupants were asleep. So were Teaspoon, Rachel and everyone else in town.  He wondered if they knew how lucky they were, how much he envied them.  Depressed and lonely, he settled back against the pillows to wait for the morning.

Buck had spent other lonely nights watching the horses in the corral or sitting on the porchsteps waiting for the moon and stars to move across the sky.  It didn’t make the long hours move by much quicker, but it was something to do.  The night sky was cloudy and he couldn’t see much of it through the window, anyway.  He certainly couldn’t get up.  Even thinking about moving hurt.  It was going to be a long night.

Once his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, Buck glanced around for anything that could help pass the time.  A large stack of books sat on the table beside him, the edges of a piece of paper showing beneath them.  “Lou remembered,” he thought to himself.  It was probably just as well that he couldn’t look at Ike’s drawing.  He was afraid the eyes would show as much disappointment in him as they had in his dream.

Buck reached for the glass of water on the table next to the books, clenching his teeth in the pain the movement caused.  He brought the glass to his lips but recognized the smell.  It was laudanum, not water.  Lou or Rachel had evidently poured it for him while he slept.  Disappointed, he started to return the glass to the table but stopped as he remembered Teaspoon’s words from the night before.  “It will do the trick.”

Teaspoon had been right.  It took the pain away and he had rested without the dream interrupting his sleep for the first time in weeks.  When Lou had given it to him earlier in the day, the effects had been rather pleasant - soft, and soothing, like floating on a cloud. 

It concerned him that he couldn’t control the way the laudanum made him feel and self control was important to Buck.  He remembered, though, the Kiowa Man of Dreams often used herbal drinks to bring visions and he accepted that practice without question.  Maybe this wasn’t so different.

“A little bit won’t hurt,” he thought to himself.  He would rest and tomorrow would be better. 

Buck drank about half the amount in the glass, surprised that the taste and smell didn’t bother him as much as before.  “Must be gettin’ used to it,”  he presumed.

He leaned into the pillows behind him, anxious for the drowsy feeling to come, but the feeling the laudanum caused was different than before.  Rather than bringing sleep, the medicine brought a heightened sense of alertness.  He felt strangely calm but excited at the same time. 

In the quiet of the night, he heard sounds.  Incredible sounds.  He heard a mouse run across the floor at the other end of the bunkhouse and knew which direction it went.  He could hear Kid and Lou softly breathing in the next room and was able to distinguish the differences between them.  He heard himself breathe and was fascinated by the rise and fall of his own chest.  Tracing the outline of the bruise on his shoulder he noticed what a beautiful color it was.  The scar on his chest from the gash Red Bear inflicted on him was intriguing, too.  It felt so different from the skin around it.  How strange he had not observed these things before.

Buck’s attention was diverted by a tiny light in the room.  He watched the firefly in amazement as it played hide and seek with him, appearing and disappearing.   “How wonderful it would be to glow!”  he mused and held his hands before him wondering if he could, too.  To vanish and then appear somewhere else would be such fun.

Buck pondered these marvels for a time until his eyes closed and his limbs grew too heavy to move.  A warm, safe feeling settled over him, almost as if he was cradled by invisible arms.  “Lou was right,”  he conceded as he drifted into a deep sleep.  “It’s only medicine.  How could it be bad?”
 

Chapter 4

“Thanks, Lou,” Emily said, accepting the cup of coffee.

Lou poured herself a cup and took a seat directly across from Emily at the table.  Although Emily wasn’t a beauty, her attractive, honest and open spirit more than made up for her lack of fancy clothes or the latest hairstyle.  Unlike some of the other boys, Ike had been more attracted to the sincerity of a woman’s smile than the amount of rouge on her lips.   Emily had been perfect for Ike and Lou had liked her immediately.

“Where have you been, Emily?” Lou asked, her concern for the young woman across the table evident in her voice.  “We’ve been worried about you.”

“I know I should have written,” Emily began, “but I just wasn’t thinkin’ clearly for a while.” 

Emily hesitated for a moment before continuing, “I guess losing my father and Ike so suddenly was too much to take and I just started wanderin’.  I ended up in a hotel in Marietta, locked myself in the room and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.”

Lou reached across the table and placed her hand on Emily’s, giving it a reassuring squeeze.  Emily managed a brief smile as she looked into the compassionate eyes of the young woman seated opposite her.  Emily had not made many friends in her life.  Her father’s drifting nature had made it impossible.  They were never in one place long enough to establish a friendship.  Emily had only known Lou for a very short time but felt that, given the chance, they could be good friends.  Even if Ike had not told her Lou’s secret, it would have been impossible for Emily not to see through her disguise.  It surprised Emily that Lou had been able to continue her charade for so long.  Lou was obviously a woman - a young woman in love.  It was impossible for Emily to miss.  It wasn’t that long ago she had been a young woman in love, too.

“Are you alright now, Emily?” 

“I’m better,” Emily answered confidently.  Her confidence began to waver as she continued, “I still miss them both so much.  But … I can’t change anything.”

Emily hesitated briefly,  “I just wanted you all to know that I really did love Ike and I feel terrible about what happened.  I know it was only a short time and you may not think that I could love him so quickly but…”

“You don’t need to explain, Emily,” Lou assured her.

“I thought I would have Ike forever,” Emily said with a wistful look in her eyes.  “We would get married, have a bunch of kids, live happily ever after.  But, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.” 

“What are you going to do now?” 

Emily drew a deep breath, “I’ve found a buyer for my father’s place.  I thought about running it on my own, but it’s just too much, so I’m going to Illinois.  My mother’s family is there.”

“The boys and I would be happy to help out if you wanted to stay in Rock Creek,” Lou offered.

“I know you would.  But I don’t want to be a burden.”  Emily smiled softly at her new friend, “I’m gonna try to get on with my life.  My stage leaves in an hour.  I just wanted to say good bye before I left.”

Buck was relieved to finally be allowed out of bed.  He had felt so odd the day before.  The laudanum had caused him to awaken with the same foggy feeling, but it didn’t last too long.  To his relief, he found that he was able to move around a bit without the stabbing pains in his chest.  They had been reduced to a dull ache assuring Doc Barnes that no other injuries were present.  But by mid-afternoon, he felt terrible.  Kid had tried to offer some company but Buck was in such an irritable mood that carrying on a conversation was impossible.  Kid had finally given up and excused himself to get ready for his run, attributing his friend’s moodiness to being confined to bed for too long.  Out of boredom, Buck grabbed one of the books on the table next to him and tried to read, but the words wouldn’t hold still.  They seemed to jump around the page.  He couldn’t concentrate on them, anyway, with the constant ringing in his ears.  It was the strangest feeling Buck ever had, almost like everything in side of him was moving too fast.  He felt nervous and jittery but couldn’t understand why.  The need to escape the strange feelings was finally too much and he reached for the bottle of laudanum as the quickest way to induce a numbing sleep.

Moving was still painful so Buck didn’t venture further than the barn, but it was good to breathe some fresh air.  He spent some time watching the new foal that arrived during the night as she struggled to gain her footing and take her first wobbly steps under her mother’s protective gaze.  Buck found himself smiling, in spite of himself, at her awkward attempts. 

Though only mid-morning, he was beginning to tire and headed back to the bunkhouse to rest.  His heart jumped into his throat as he opened the door and saw Emily and Lou at the table.

“What is she doing here?” he demanded, addressing Lou rather than Emily.

“Hello, Buck,” Emily said, a bit uneasily.  “Lou told me you were hurt.  Are you feelin’ better?”

“She has no right to be here,” Buck stated indignantly, ignoring Emily’s question.

“Buck that was rude,” Lou answered curtly.  “Emily has every right to visit any time she wants.  She’s a friend.”

Buck’s expression turned from displeasure to outright anger as he noticed Ike’s sketch pad on the table.  “What are you doing with this?” he demanded, reaching between the two young women for the pad of paper.

“I found it in the trunk when I put Ike’s things away the day after you fell.  I thought it would be nice to frame some of his drawings so we could all enjoy them.  Emily might want some of them, too,” Lou answered, her tone showing her displeasure with Buck’s self-righteousness.

“They aren’t yours to give away, Lou.  She gets Ike killed and now you want to give her his things?” Buck replied briskly as he walked across the bunkhouse and placed the sketch pad under his bunk.

Lou was ready to give Buck a piece of her mind about his attitude, but Emily grabbed her arm before she could get to her feet.  “It’s alright, Lou.”  Turning toward Buck, Emily continued, “I know you are angry, Buck.  But I loved him, too.  I understand how you feel.”

Buck advanced toward Emily like a predator stalking its prey, his dark eyes smoldering.   “You knew him for a week,” he began, his voice low and strangely calm. “We were best friends since we were thirteen years old and now he’s dead because of you.  Don’t you ever dare think you know how I feel.”

Emily bowed her head, nervously shielding her eyes from Buck’s hate filled glare.  She did blame herself and regretted the actions that had lead to Ike’s death.   Still, to hear Buck accuse her was almost too much to bear.  Lou was stupefied by Buck’s cruel words and simply stared at him in disbelief.

Buck was surprised at his behavior, too, and stood for a moment, clutching his injured chest, not quite knowing what to do.  The tension in the air was almost visible as he finally turned away from them and left the bunkhouse.

After a moment, Emily looked up at Lou, tears of guilt and grief threatening to spill from her brown eyes. “I really did love Ike, Lou.”

“I know you did, Emily.  I know.”

Buck leaned back against the bunkhouse, his arms wrapped around his throbbing chest as he tried to calm himself.  How could Lou have done this?  He thought she understood how he felt.  She knew how painful losing Ike had been for him.  Now she was sharing a cup of coffee and making small talk with the person responsible for his death!   To make matters worse, Lou was giving Emily Ike’s things!  Emily didn’t deserve his possessions.  Buck felt he had more of a right to them than she did. 

He needed to get away from them, away from the sound of their voices and Lou’s betrayal.  Buck’s eyes searched the station for a quiet place of escape and headed for the barn, but stopped abruptly as Rachel emerged from the house and also walked in that direction.  Still holding a grudge about Ike’s trunk, he instead turned away from the station and headed into town.  He had no particular destination in mind; he just needed to get away. 

He walked along the sidewalk, not really paying attention to where he was or where he was going.  The noises of Rock Creek buzzed all around him, but he didn’t hear them.  Buck bumped into Nellie Wadkins as she left Thompkins store, upsetting her shopping basket, the contents spilling onto the sidewalk and out into the street.  The elderly woman and Thompkins both took offense to his carelessness.

“Watch where you are going, young man!” Mrs. Wadkins said critically.

“I’m sorry,” Buck offered quietly as he knelt down to retrieve the spilled merchandise, grimacing at the pain the movement caused.

“Get on out of here, Cross, before I charge you for the damaged goods!” shouted Thompkins.  “And if you can’t stay out of the way of decent white folk then just stay away!” 

Buck slowly rose to his feet, glaring at the storekeeper.  There were so many things he wanted to say to that man, but not now.  He held his tongue.   He couldn’t deal with Thompkins, Lou and Emily all at once.  Buck turned away without another word and continued down the sidewalk, his chest aching, anger and humiliation boiling inside of him. 

Lou and Emily’s voices followed him.

“she’s a friend, she’s a friend,”
“I know how you feel, I know how you feel,”

“No, you don’t know how I feel,” Buck said aloud, causing a perplexed look from the couple he brushed against on the sidewalk.

“Good to see you up and about, Buck,” Doc Barnes said as Buck stopped to rest against a porch post in front of the open door of the physician’s office.  “Come in here a minute.”

Hearing his name, Buck turned to locate the source of the voice.  Doc Barnes sat at his roll top desk in the waiting area of his office, taking a break from the stack of papers in front of him when the young Indian caught his attention.

“What is it, Doc?” Buck asked, a little annoyed that his retreat had been interrupted.

“Marshall Hunter stopped by earlier and asked me to check your bandages.  He thought they might be a little too tight now that you are up and movin’ around,” Doc explained, noticing the boy was having a little difficulty catching his breath.

“It’s not a good time right now, Doc.”

“Nonsense, it’ll just take a minute,” Doc insisted getting out of his chair.  “Humor an old man, Buck.  It will save me havin’ to go to the station later.”

“Doc…”

“C’mon, you’re already here,” he insisted, motioning for Buck to follow him.

Buck really wasn’t in the mood for this, but he genuinely liked Doctor Barnes.  He was one of the few people in Rock Creek who didn’t care about Buck’s heritage.  Perhaps it took a doctor to understand there was more to a person than skin color.  Buck sighed and reluctantly followed the physician into his examining room.

“Take your shirt off and have a seat right there,” the doctor ordered, pointing to his examination table.  “Need some help?”

“I’ll manage,” Buck replied as he slowly complied with the doctor’s request.

Buck looked around the room as Doc Barnes removed his bandages.  It was a bright, clean room full of shelves and cabinets that held a variety of glass bottles and containers.  An unidentifiable smell was present in the room.  Buck assumed it was a mixture of odors from the contents of the bottles.  He thought for a moment how different this office was from the teepee of the Kiowa medicine man and wondered briefly which man’s medicine was stronger.

“I must say, Buck, I think this is the biggest bruise I’ve ever seen,” the doctor remarked as he examined the black and blue mark across Buck’s chest and shoulder.  “Still causing a lot of pain?”

Buck nodded his head.

“Well, you got off pretty lucky.  Miracle you didn’t break more than a few ribs,” Doc Barnes commented as he retrieved a supply of fresh bandages from one of the cabinets on the wall.  “Now, I’ve told Marshall Hunter, but I’m gonna tell you, too.  I don’t want you on a horse for at least another three weeks.  Then we’ll see.  Gotta give these bones a chance to heal some before you go jarring ‘em over an Express trail.  These bandages need to say on…..”

Buck tried to pay attention to the Doctor’s instructions but his mind began to wander.   No matter how hard he tried to shut them out, Lou and Emily’s words would not leave him alone.   He was tired and beginning to feel that strange nervousness again.  For a moment he considered asking the doctor about it, but decided against it.  He was just tired.

“By the way,” Doc Barnes continued, “I saw that young woman your friend was smitten with in town today.  Emily was her name wasn’t it?”

Buck asked sharply, “What?”

“I said, I saw Ike’s young lady today,” Doc Barnes repeated.  “They made a nice couple.  Too bad things turned out the way they did,” he added thoughtfully.  Remembering Teaspoon’s comment a few days earlier, he asked, “Are you holding up alright?”

Buck was surprised by the question and quickly answered, “I’m fine.”

Doc Barnes looked at the young Indian skeptically.  He knew that wounds to the soul required as much attention as any to the flesh.  Problem was, they were much more difficult to see.

Buck clenched his teeth as the doctor began to wrap the bandages around his throbbing chest.  He glanced around the room trying to focus on something to take his mind off the pain and the words repeating in his mind.

“she’s a friend”
“I know how you feel”
“too bad things turned out the way they did”

Buck’s eyes rested on a familiar glass bottle in the cabinet on the opposite wall.  He looked away, but he was drawn back to the bottle of laudanum remembering the pleasant, comforting feeling the medicine had brought.  He still felt a bit apprehensive about taking it, but, he had to admit, it worked wonders.  Buck knew he would feel better with just a little sip of the medicine, but his bottle was back in the bunkhouse and so were Lou and Emily.

Doc Barnes finished his work and helped Buck slip into his shirt.  To Buck’s surprise he had trouble getting the buttons through the buttonholes.  His fingers didn’t seem to cooperate and his hands were shaking slightly.  His eyes were drawn back to the cabinet on the wall.

“Are you gettin’ some rest, Buck, or is the pain keeping you awake?” Doc asked from across the room as he placed the extra bandages back in the cabinet.

Buck hesitated for a moment before answering.  “Here’s your chance,” he heard from somewhere inside him.

“The medicine helps me sleep.  But…I knocked the bottle over last night and it spilled.  Could I have another one?”

“Well, I don’t see why not, but only for a couple more nights.  I don’t want you takin’ too much of it,” Doc said as he opened the top drawer of the small desk next to the window.  Buck watched as he removed a small key and unlocked the glass door of the wall cabinet. 

“Here you are.  Remember, just a little bit for another night or two.  No more than this much,” he said, marking an imaginary line around the bottle before handing the laudanum to Buck.  “I’ll put it on the station’s bill.”

“Uh, Doc, I’ll just pay you for it…since it was my fault,” Buck answered uneasily, holding the bottle tightly so he wouldn’t drop it. 

“Suit yourself,” Doc answered as he locked the cabinet and placed the key back in the drawer.  “I’ll talk to the Marshall later to let him know how much more you can take.”

“Um, Doc, I’m headed to Teaspoon’s office now.  I’ll tell him,” Buck said quickly, hoping his lie didn’t sound like one.

Buck paid the doctor the required amount and hastily left the office.  He rounded the corner of the building and leaned back against the brick wall.  Buck never lied, and wasn’t very happy with his behavior, but it had gotten him what he wanted.  Glancing around to make sure no one was watching, he removed the cork from the bottle and took a quick drink.  Buck began to feel the warm waves of security wash over him once more.  Within a few minutes, the unwanted voices began to float away.  He unbuttoned the cuff of his shirt and slid the bottle into the sleeve, cupping his hand around the bottom of the bottle to hold it securely.  For some reason he felt like he needed to hide it.  Perhaps it was because of the dishonest way it was obtained.

Buck glanced around the station for Lou but didn’t see her.  He assumed she was still in the bunkhouse with her new “friend”.  He wanted to rest for a while but not if they were there.  He noticed Rachel hanging out a load of laundry and headed for the barn in search of a quiet place but instead found Cody brushing his horse.

“Hey, Buck!” Cody called, a wide grin covering his face.  “I hear I missed the excitement in the barn the other night.  Was you tryin’ to fly or somethin’?”

Buck found no humor in Cody’s remark and his expression told the cocky rider so.  Cody assumed Buck was in a “mood” and thought it best not to provoke him further.

“So, are you alright?  What happened?” he asked in a more serious tone.

“I’m fine, Cody,” Buck replied brusquely.  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

All he really wanted was to be alone someplace quiet and with Cody in the barn it certainly wasn’t going to be quiet.  The bunkhouse was out of the question, too, as long as Lou and Emily were there.  He decided the only option was to leave.

“Alright, just kinda strange is all,” Cody said in disappointment.  He really liked a good story, and whatever happened to cause Buck to fall out of the hayloft was probably a good story.  Cody decided he would simply wait and get the details from one of the other boys.  He finished grooming his horse and walked across the barn to put the curry comb back in its place. 

Buck took the opportunity to remove the bottle of laudanum from his shirt sleeve and tucked it into the waist band of his trousers.  Ignoring Doc Barnes’ orders, he led Ike’s horse from his stall and, using a stack of hay bales for a makeshift ladder, carefully mounted the animal.

“Hey, Buck.  You supposed to be ridin?” questioned Cody.

Buck turned the horse slightly so the bottle was hidden from Cody’s view.  “I’m just gonna get away for a little while.  Don’t tell Teaspoon or Rachel, alright?”

Having been confined to bed before himself, Cody could understand Buck’s need to get away from the station and nodded his head in agreement.  “Ain’t bothering me none.  Do what you want.”

Once away from the station, Buck began to understand why Doc Barnes had not wanted him to ride for a while.  Although the horse was only walking, the movement was enough to cause the throbbing in his chest to return.  Without thinking twice, Buck reached for the bottle of laudanum to put an end to his discomfort.

Soon the pain was gone and Buck was enjoying the familiar relaxed feeling.  He closed his eyes and let his head drop back to feel the warmth of the mid-day sun on his face.  Rocking back and forth in rhythm with the horse’s steady gait, he let the reins drop and allowed the horse to wander at will.  After a while Buck felt himself slipping to one side and opened his eyes to steady himself.  Scanning the countryside for a moment he recognized where he was and urged the horse forward.  It was just a little further. 

He really hadn’t planned on coming here.  Or, maybe he had.  He didn’t know.  Buck slid off Ike’s horse and let his eye roam the area.  He had come here a few times since Ike died, but the place looked different now.  The burned spot on the ground where Ike’s funeral pyre had been erected was now covered in lush green grass.  Others might not have recognized the place, but Buck would never forget it.

Buck left Ike’s horse untethered, somehow knowing the faithful animal wound not stray, and sank into the green carpet.  He ran his fingers through the blades of grass, and remembered the night he and the others had come here to release Ike’s spirit.  He could still feel the heat from the flames and smell the smoke of the fire. 

These sensations returned every time he came here, but they didn’t bother him this time.  Instead of agonizing over this place, he felt strangely calm.  Without realizing what he was doing, Buck reached for the bottle of laudanum again.  He soon felt his body become very heavy.  He laid down in the grass, staring up at the sky. 

Clouds began to turn into the shapes of animals parading across the sky, changing from one animal to another as soon as he recognized it, almost as if they were trying to outwit him.  Ike had been able to see these things and tried repeatedly to point out the shapes to his friend, but Buck could never find them.  Ike told him he had no imagination.

“Guess I’ve got an imagination, now,” he said rather smugly to the bear floating overhead.  He hoped Ike would be pleased that he finally could see them.

Buck felt a tingling sensation on his hand and noticed a small ladybug crawling across his finger.  He turned over and rested his face against the ground watching the insect move its multitude of legs across his hand.  Buck counted the number of spots on her back over and over again as if the number held some secret importance.

Buck was amazed by how differently he felt after taking the laudanum.  Never in his life had he felt so calm and relaxed.  Lou had betrayed him, no one understood him, neither the Kiowa nor the white world wanted him, he had killed an unarmed man and Ike was dead.  But all that just didn’t seem to matter as much.  Buck closed his eyes and let the peaceful feeling envelop him.  He didn’t know exactly what was in that bottle, but it was magic.