I’ve spent most of my life proving I’m tough and I don’t need other people. My mother left my father when I was young and I gave up my childhood to help her take care of Teresa and Jeremiah. When she got sick and couldn’t get out of bed I became their mother; cooking, cleaning and trying to figure out what we’d do so that Momma wouldn’t have to worry. 

Then she died and we were taken to an orphanage. I told the Sisters that we didn’t need their help, that I could take care of my brother and sister by myself. Of course I really couldn’t have, but I wasn’t about to let anyone else know that. 

Teresa and Jeremiah were young enough that they came to like the Sisters and the other children in the orphanage. I never did. I missed my mother and I felt like I was letting her down by not taking better care of my siblings. So as soon as I could, I left the orphanage. I promised Teresa and Jeremiah that I’d get a job, I’d get some money and I’d be back as soon as I could for them. I’ve come to find out that things don’t always turn out the way we plan. 

When I left the orphanage I ended up at Wicks. I was young, naïve and didn’t know any better. By the time I figured it out I was already in danger. After what happened there, I added to the layers of defense I’d built up. The first layers were built after my father had left and my mother told me what kind of man he really was. 

Seeing him again and knowing he had Teresa and Jeremiah cut me like a knife. I had failed them. I’d taken too long to come back for them. I’d left them alone and they’d fallen prey to Boggs. It’s easier to call him that than truly admit to them, or even to myself, that he really was our father. Of course, he didn’t recognize me at first because I was dressed like a boy. It was just another layer of defense I’d come to adopt. It’s easier to pose as a boy and work hard than it is to be a girl. I think that if I’d been a boy my father wouldn’t have been so angry and abusive to my mom when they 
were together. He never wanted a daughter and maybe he would have loved us more… 

The only good thing that came out of everything with Boggs was that I no longer had to hide who I really was from the boys. Kid already knew, and Emma knew, but the rest didn’t. It was a relief to discover that once they knew they didn’t want me to leave and that they’d help keep my secret from Teaspoon. But there was danger in that as well. When I met Tyler DeWitt I felt some freedom to be a lady and I liked the flattery and attention he gave me. But he played a dangerous game and I found that I wasn’t ready to handle it and so once again, the layers of defense were quickly propped back up. 

I decided to just do my job. Be dependable, work hard, save my money and as soon as I could I’d get Teresa and Jeremiah from the orphanage and we’d start our life together. I didn’t need anybody but them. I could handle anything the world would throw my way. Robbers, outlaws, Indians, you name it, I could handle it. It would just be me against it all, and once I had my family, then it would just be the three of us. I certainly didn’t need any man in my life. 

But then… 

But when you’re holding me like this 
I’m carelessly lost in your touch 
I’m completely defenseless 
Baby, it’s almost too much 
I’m helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly 
Falling in love
 

One day I came to realize that I did need somebody. And at first it scared me to death so I fought the feelings. I just couldn’t let myself fall in love. I pushed him away and I turned my back on him, but that hurt even more. He was soft, gentle, and kind, didn’t demand or push. He was unlike anyone I’d known and treated me with respect. I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall, for this all to be a ruse, but it wasn’t that way. 

One by one the layers I’d built to protect myself melted away, and he was there for every one. Every step of the way he was beside me. Not pushing me, not pulling me, just there if I needed him. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t, but he never got angry when I said I didn’t and was always there when I said I did. It was like nothing I’d ever known and what once was a frightening experience, strangely became a liberating one. 

The knowledge that I could trust him, that he would never intentionally hurt me, that I didn’t have to be on guard all the time was overwhelming. Even if I’d wanted to, I don’t think I could have kept him at bay. My heart was no longer scared, but was instead completely enamored of him. It seemed to 
be overruling my head and I found myself doing and saying things I would never have imagined. Strangely, I didn’t find myself annoyed or embarrassed, I enjoyed it. 

And now… 

So let consequence do what it will 
to us, I don’t care 
let the stars stand as witness to it all 
say the word and tonight I will follow 
you anywhere 
I just can’t pretend anymore I’m too 
Sturdy to fall
 

Now I’m ready to shout from the top of the barn that I’m in love. I don’t care who knows. I don’t feel like I have to hide who I am. Most importantly, I don’t feel like I have to change who I am. He accepts me, for me. He doesn’t want me to change, he doesn’t want me to pretend to be someone that I’m not. He doesn’t expect me to instantly revert to a fragile China doll that he has to take care of just because I’m finally able to admit that I’m in love. 

He fell in love with me when I was Lou McCloud, Pony Express Rider, and he still loves me now that I’m more comfortable being Louise McCloud. With his help I’ve learned that those don’t have to be two different people. They can be different sides of the same person, and I like that. 

I used to think that if I fell in love and got married that I would lose my identity. I’d just be a wife or a mother, but I’d no longer be me. Now I know that it’s possible to love someone so completely that I’m willing to share my life with him, and not be afraid of losing that person inside he fell in love with in the first place. It’s no longer terrifying to be seen in public holding hands, sharing whispered conversations and looks of endearment. Because I can be that, and still know that I can get angry and escape to ride my horse. 

Tonight I think he’s going to ask me to marry him. He’s been nervous and secretive around me and everyone else. But if he doesn’t ask me to marry him, I may just turn the tables and ask him to marry me. That’s how strong I feel now. I know that I love him and that I can’t imagine being without him. If he asked me to marry him now, tonight, I’d do it in a minute. I’d follow this man to the ends of the earth because I know that he’d do the same for me. 

I am not afraid, I am not afraid
 

We’re walking together, our arms linked together and the townspeople are smiling at us because we are so wrapped up in our love for each other. We’ve reached the end of the street and he looks around nervously for a moment, hesitant and then he mumbles something under his breath and reaches in his pocket. 

“I had a speech all planned,” he says. “I wanted to do this right, make it special. But I can’t wait any longer. I love you Louise, and I want to marry you. Will you marry me?” 

He holds out the ring, but I don’t even see it. It’s not important to me. We could be dirt poor farmers, or the richest people in the world. It wouldn’t matter. I love him. He’s asked me to marry him and I take a step forward and launch myself into his arms, clinging tightly to him. 
 

But when you’re holding me like this 
I’m carelessly lost in your touch 
I’m completely defenseless 
Baby, it’s almost too much 
I’m helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly 
Falling 
I’m helplessly, hopeless, recklessly 
Falling in love
 

We stand in the street, holding tight to each other, and I don’t care that people may be looking at us. I pull back slightly and kiss him with every ounce of energy I have inside me, hoping that I can somehow let him know how much I love him. When the kiss ends, he pulls back and looks me, slight confusion dancing through his eyes. 

“Lou?” 

“Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you.” 

Because I love him, and I’m no longer afraid.